#258 – Knowing the Future

16 07 2013

“The future is a foreign country,” says the bogan wisely as it looks up from The Daily Telegraph, comfortable that it pulled that quote that it heard on A Current Affair that one time. Quotes always make you sound wise.

Bogan whispererBut deep down, it knows that actually the future is terrifying; a dystopian nightmare without royal babies, without taurine-fuelled drinks in infinite varieties, without Kyle Sandilands doing flips onto a shooting star.

The bogan is afraid. Always has been. The massive guns, the melanin, the colourful attire, the carefully rehearsed poses for those weird photos they take at the nightclub; they’re all a hastily constructed veneer to show the world that everything’s cool. But rather, the bogan is terrified; thirsting for knowledge. For understanding what comes next.

It’s no longer worried about its children now that they’re baptised and Ray Hadley tells it that climate change is rubbish. But what about its own future? Its job security? Its plans to retire at 53 without actually having saved anything, but chucked a few quid into Apple shares?

First, it turns to Ross Greenwood on Channel 9, who has some feelpinions about the future, then tells the bogan to stop spending so much on flatscreens and save some money. Disgusted, the bogan looks elsewhere.

Housing. The bogan knows there has never been a safer bet than throwing all of its money into a rental property, negatively gearing this shit out of it/renovating and ‘turning it over’, then counting the dollars.

But where to look? Who could provide that needed certainty? The hot tip on where to buy a house in that suburb that is a dead-set certainty to be the next boomtown but the bogan would never live in?

Enter: News Limited.

Enter: News Limited’s resident Australian Real Estate Psychic, Elisabeth Jensen.

In further incontrovertible evidence that no individual, organisation or business has its finger as firmly pressed to the bogan pulse as Rupert’s Australian outpost, the stable of tabloids and websites that fall under the News Corp banner have employed ‘2010 Australian Psychic of the Year’ Ms Jensen to provide a regular column answering readers’ (bogans’) questions about all things real estate.

“I was guided to the home I live in, I saw it in a vision, I went there to have a look at one I really wanted but couldn’t buy the unit.

“A month later another unit came up in the same block and that was much better because the other one had problems at a later date,” said the bogan whisperer Jensen.

News Limited feel confident in her ability to assist bogans in finding out the sweet place to buy, or whether “there’s a problem with any property.”

“People come to me to see me for a psychic reading, asking what’s wrong with a particular house, that it feels very strange, asking ‘are there spirits in this house’,” Ms Jensen says.

“I’ve sent away bad energy or difficult spirits, sometimes they’re lost souls, people who don’t know they’re dead.”

After consulting with the property medium, the bogan will then be consulted on the likelihood via binary online poll.

Looking up from its copy of the Tele, the bogan exhales, relieved. It has certainty again.

 


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25 responses

16 07 2013
djmdjmdjm

Holy shit, “Real Estate Psychic” is actually a thing. More proof that I’m living in a dystopia of reified post-modernism.

17 07 2013
The Jester

I know what you mean, I couldn’t believe it either! It immediately set off my bullshit alarm.

19 07 2013
cheshbitten

Wouldn’t it be sensible if you were a Real Estate Psychic would be to shut the hell up and secretly invest?

16 07 2013
Word Journeyer

News Ltd doesn’t have its finger on the bogan’s pulse; it is the pulse. Which of course means that element of society is regularly going into social cardiac arrest whether that means roid-rages, or racist tweets to Q&A.

12 08 2013
Davo

You actually watch Q and A? I thought that was just for labor bogans to gang up on conservatives.

12 08 2013
Word Journeyer

Yes. And yes, though it wasn’t quite a question.

16 07 2013
Virginia

Gadzeeks, reminds me of the Australian Property Forum, some of their posters deserve a good glassin’
Good point about News Limited. But are they tapping into the bogan psyche or are they bogans doing “serious” reporting?

18 07 2013
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I believe a bit of both Virginia.

28 07 2013
Vando Vando

This blog is fucked. The blogger has a literary talent but lacks the value that it is wrong to negatively stereotype ‘a type’ of people. I wear fluro and read Montaigne. You don’t hear about Chomsky ridiculing Alabama rednecks. It is a pity that the blogger has arrived that this petty-humour blog is the high watermark of their life. I feel sorry for you Mr / Ms Blogger. You are no match for Oscar Wilde.

22 08 2013
Zairrin

As said many times before, the things listed on this site are just “Things Bogans Like,” not “Things Bogans Like and No One Else,” You can like/do things listed on this site without being a bogan.

Lacking a sense of humour and taking things way too seriously, however, is very bogan.

(Also, first post here. Hello, everyone!)

30 07 2013
Mergatroid

It’s called News Corp Australia now.

12 08 2013
John

Surely a new entry has to be following the “South Sydney Rabbitohs”. Every second person I see being arrested, visiting Long Bay Gaol or just simply being a pest or violent on a train it is somebody that has a Rabbitohs jersey on. A whole movement has sprung up on social media to highlight these facts.

23 08 2013
devil's advocate

eh. Basically anything on the front page of news.com is bogan.

2 09 2013
martin

Just a heads up to remind TBL’ers that non bogans vote for the Stable Population Party this Saturday.

Bogans vote for:

Liberal
Labor
The Greens
Clive
and all the others, bar, maybe the wikileaks and pirate party.

All the rest are bogan.

Thanks.

3 09 2013
noodles

All the rest are bogan? What about the Nationals? Now they’ve got Angry… oh yeahhhhh!

4 09 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

I’m voting for Pauline, and she’s in a separate state! so f#ck you Martin.

4 09 2013
martin

Yeah f#ck that ha ram shit from the country of Islam I might vote for Clive, radical bogan ideas is the new libtard.

4 09 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Just watched some of Clive’s finest work on Chaser. The dude is batshit crazy. I see you more as a Bobkat type Martin.

5 09 2013
martin

Nah f#ck that c#nt. He wants 60 million reffos in Nth QLD alone!

Clive just isn’t as good at hiding that he’s batshit crazy. That’s why I like him, but I think I’ll just hand in a cock vote for the lower house. They’re all c#nts.

4 09 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Lighting up Dwarfs, genius!

In case anyone wants to know about Martin’s credentials he watches X Factor…..

4 09 2013
martin

Simon is still upset over JuLia being gone. He has to sympathize towards feminazis in order to get puss. He also lines up whenever apple stores open up and cheers when they let him in.

Posted from my aldi pad non bogans use pads from aldi.

4 09 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

You farkin idiot. Julia was awesome but I preferred little Johnie. Is Bono running?

Simon heartily endorses not listening to U2 on a Walkman.

5 09 2013
martin

Julia was a bogan, little Johnnie was a dick head yogan, with bogan appeal.

F#ck you Simon you Adelaide p00f.

19 10 2013
bogan scott

This makes me laugh, what a cracker!!! anyway….

30 11 2013
Matthew Leonard

This is a very clever and culturally accurate website. I suggest four more posts for you to do:

* Coming to the city on weekends
* Subway
* Pokie Pubs
* Smart phones

Let me know if you need help to write them.
Matthew
http://www.mjlphd.net

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