#221 – Baptisms

11 04 2011

The bogan only recently learned what a hedge fund is. Even though, throughout the global financial turmoil of 2008 and 2009, it only heard snippets in the trashmedia about hedge funds collapsing, it feels now that it knows what they are.

They are betting syndicates set up to bet on different things from what the bank bets on so that, no matter what, they always win. Whether or not this is true, the bogan has yet to realise that it has been engaging in its own hedge fund for some time. With its consonant-challenged progeny’s eternal souls, no less. Baptising their newborn, vowel-free spawn, is the perfect way for the bogan, who is entirely indifferent to observant religion (it will not get up early on Sunday) to make sure that, just in case they’re wrong, and the God they don’t follow is a vengeful one, their kid is safe.

EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT CHRISTIANS, OR THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE BAPTISED, ARE BOGANS. YOU IDIOT.

By baptising their child, the bogan counteracts all of the heinous acts it will no doubt commit throughout its life. It is a religious prepaid carbon offset for all of the filthy emissions that the bogan’s child is likely to be encouraged or allowed to make by its lack of parenting. Little Aron’s unfortunate dose of ADHD will, of course, provide a relatively ample amount of coverage from divine retribution, but it can’t mask everything.

Moreover, baptisms are similar to weddings in that the bogan parents get to be the centre of attention for the day. The child, being of an unintelligible age and brain capacity, merely sits in the middle of any given room, while the profoundly fertile  mum and dad sit beatifically nearby, wallowing in the cooing fervour that is a new child.

The bogan is also very aspirational. While this tends to focus on the corporeal realm, with its attendant McMansions and 86” 3D! televisions, the bogan will always aspire to bigger things. And to the bogan, eternal soft white light, feathered beds and no real concern with adultery (as the male bogan considers the place) is worth a quick dunk in the holy water and a deathbed repentance.

The bogan may invoke the name of god in a self-righteous fashion in order to bolster its arguments about everything from kids’ fashion to foreign policy, but when road raging, fighting, complaining about refugees or purchasing garish ‘fashion’ items, God couldn’t be further from the bogan’s mind. This doesn’t stop the bogan from getting a priest to dunk its offspring in magical godwater, which is similar to nutrient water, but replaces theoretical nutritional content with the theoretical spiritual content.


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173 responses

11 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I told my story of the incident at my godson’s christening some posts ago, so most of the regulars will remember it.

Needless to say – uber-bogan events. I’m just glad I was raised Hindu so the nonsense rituals only come when I’m old enough to ignore them. And if I ever spawn, no matter what the creed of the woman I made a baby with our kids will be raised without religion until they’re old enough to make up their minds.

These days, all I say is that I believe in God but no religion is right for me.

13 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I too believe that there’s a Higher Power, but that it is something far beyond our human comprehension and to make presumptions for (and equally, those militantly against) the identity of such. Accepting that makes my belief much easier to abide by.

That’s one I’ll defend Catholicism and other similarly venerable longstanding belief systems (Abrahamic or other traditions) is the culture of enquiry and metaphysical philosophical argument, whereby that very uncertainty is embraced, applying rigorous query to the meaning of life and the very nature, ergo the existence, of God or other Higher Power. Instead with the literalists, you get absolutism and mindless conformity…not saying it doesn’t exist in Catholicism or other faith identities (it certainly does, QED Benedict XVI or Cardinal Pell), but at least these marvellous thinkers and inspired mystics still have an esteemed place in the canon of Church identities. It’s just a shame that many of the laity aren’t encouraged to seek these lines of enquiry, at least at the “retail” level, i.e. your average suburban diocese, though of course there’s the odd priest who has fully embraced the reformist culture of Vatican II and will not revert to old-fashioned ways in that supplicant reactionary manner, that certain traditionalists would like all the flock to do just that.

Spirituality is a far greater concept, ever evolving, than they will admit to…better to accept these unknown aspects if you’re not prepared to grapple with them in sincerity, than to pretend to claim to know the truth, so you can look high ‘n’ mighty…I’d agree with others who’ve mentioned thus far that this presumptuous bumptiousness would be frowned upon the very man, Jesus Christ, they say they idolise.

13 04 2011
Lord Charos

Spirituality is a waste of time. There is no God, get over it people! I thought we had progressed past the need for a god of the gaps, but quite frankly it is quite apparent currently that I am wrong.

13 04 2011
James Hunter

BOT
A culture of enquirey in the caflick church ? You jest sir. Oh I forgot the inquisition !

14 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Yes, Cathaholicism has a hell of lot to answer to over history, I concur with you there James.

However, they didn’t have a monopoly on bastard behaviour: other pursuits of faith are similarly culpable, though they certainly cornered the market for a long while.

Like I said (oh, you blasted heathens, do I so have to justify mysel to your modern day Inquistion?!) before, at least there’s room for considered contemplation upon matters of the Spirit (to Lord Charos, spirituality is NOT religion; the latter is merely a vehicle for us mere mortals to drive to that destination), unlike the Fundie literalists, who not only warp the core message, they fück with heads by being so belligerently rigid.

I wish some of you—particularly the non-believers amongst your good selves—would practice some of your (I sincerely believe useful) tolerance and acceptance of others that are at the cornerstone of sound humanist values (that and religious belief are not necessarily mutually exclusive; I look at life through both perspectives complimentarily). Some Atheists are just as sanctimonious as the worst Bible-bashers, but then again I’d prefer the company of an Atheist of sound morals than a Sunday Cafflick who’s a prick the other six-and-a-half days ofthe week.

Just because some of you may have been tainted by crazed religious wingnutters doesn’t mean we all are. And lest I sound curmudgeonly and prickly, I rather expected better tolerance and understanding from people of your high estimation, so I’d be lying to say I’m not a little disappointed. But I can understand, if not appreciate, the mildly hostile stance.

I’d like to think that your estimation of me also hasn’t diminished either, in spite of our differing views.

I can accept difference, but do not brook ignorance well.

14 04 2011
James Hunter

BOT,
Most religions are ok untill the respective houses of worship and associated hangers on get to them. The people screw gods word as it were.
The caflicks though i do have a problem with in particular the type of morality that encourages breeding in impoverished countries and bans birth control. We are supposed to be living in an age where matters of sustainabliity have some creedance and where public health and use of condoms to avoid aids is taken seriously. but the pope knows better (sic)
To me those things alone make the church of rome the true evil empire and the pope the devil personified.

23 04 2011
Vviv2

This is just a random throw in, but the thought behind it intrigued me

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2Y71nX/www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg.html

11 04 2011
bec

As opposed to back in the day where baptisms were just an excuse for a barbecue, I believe you can now find registries for baptisms.

Ye gods.

11 04 2011
chris

That doesn’t surprise me at all. If you are going to instil greed, self-interest, consumerism and an upsized sense on entitlement in little Braehdunn, you may as well get in early.

11 04 2011
chris

*sense “of” entitlement*. D’oh

6 05 2011
Tristain

wanker

11 04 2011
Yezitsme

Hopefully NAMING DAYS have made the list!? Bogan, no matter which way you look at it or try and defend it.

12 04 2011
Gold Coaster

In some cultures it’s the norm!

27 04 2011
Al

The “naming day” is much more bogan than a christening.

It effectively says “I don’t believe in god or christian theology, but I feel the need to have a ceremony that is entirely pointless anyway because I want to be the centre of attention”.

In essence the naming day has all of the flaws of the christening, as outlined above, with zero tradition backing it.

Indeed, when it comes to self-indulgence, the naming day is an order of magnitude worse than the christening.

11 04 2011
MeAgain

Naming days are a wog-bogan thing. Oh moi God! I’m celebrating coz today is my name day.

12 04 2011
devil's advocate

Polish people observe name day, it appears to be a bigger deal than (or a replacement for) birthdays.

11 04 2011
Pendant

I’m glad this one made the list, although I think one of the primary motivations of baptism of bougespawn has been omitted, namely that the parents believe it will increase the odds of Tameeka getting into The Blessed Heart of The Madonna Christian Primary.

11 04 2011
shakPower

HAHA ‘Tameeka’ , classic!

11 04 2011
bec

Nah, the NABS aren’t as huge for the little local Catholic schools as they are for those honking abominations with the “Christian College” suffix. The micks are all big on issues like Reconciliation, stopping world poverty, and environmental protection.

11 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Plus, you tend to find a fair few wogs at Catholic schools.

11 04 2011
chris

I concur, Bec. I live around the corner from one of those garish monstrosities and they attract bogans like moths to a flame.

11 04 2011
Mr Q

Cardinal Pell says you’re wrong on Catholics being into environmental protection. Mind you, Cardinal Pell says a lot of things. I say there’s absolutely no chance of me coming back to the church while it’s run by nutcases like Cardinal Pell (not that there’s a hell of a lot of chance of me coming back, Pell or no Pell).

You’re right that the NAB though is much more likely to be interested in a bit of Hillsongery than old style Catholicism. Hillsong encourages *you* to be wealthy so you can give them money. The NAB likes the idea of worshipping money and getting in with God on the side that Hillsong gives them.

13 04 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I may be a Cafflick, but I ignore the prattlings of that petty man.

I’m in with the rather libtard Father Bob Maguire types, who go to the grassroots and the essence of living life in an ethically sound manner in all my dealings. And he’s no fan of Cardinal Hell either.

16 04 2011
Clairebbbear

You’re not my other half posting under another name
are you BoT? First the TISM thing, now Father Bob?

Anyway, having been to a few Father Bob masses, I can safely say that his church has a natural bogan repellant. I don’t think the additions to the stations of the cross, with the references to the various sufferings of women and Aboriginal people, could possibly compete with the Gospel of Prosperity in the bogan’s mind.

Bogans might enjoy seeing a famous priest though.

16 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

“Bogans might enjoy seeing a famous priest though.” Hee heee…. Boguette nudges hubby in the ribs: “Look Shayne, it’s that priest off A Current Affair”.

11 04 2011
Vviv2

Though it’s worth noting Bec, that a great many of the biggest slum areas around Sydney in the eighties were owned by those same caring folk.
Hiding behind their stained glass & vows of poverty, yet protecting their paedophile clergy from well deserved glassings….
I agree with Ash, a higher being, yes, but none of the trappings or translations mankind.

11 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I would still say I identify as a Hindu – I observe Hindu holidays, I avoid beef (Although I do eat it occasionally) and I visit temples whenever I’m in India (Albeit with my family). But that’s more because I’m proud of my cultural heritage than any religious calling.

11 04 2011
Vviv2

Whereas I was simply taught to question, & not to take anything at face value, let alone on faith….

If a god botherer can’t answer the questions of a curious child, how then can they expect that same child to accept everything they say as truth?

23 04 2011
Vviv2
11 04 2011
bec

Oh, a completely lapsed mick, to be honest. But having worked with the Church for the past year and a bit, their over-the-top image retcon does make them a little unpalatable for the “fuck you, i got mine” crowd.

14 04 2011
Willard

The baptismal certificate does increase the odds unfortunately. In fact, so long as little Jaiden doesn’t start spouting satanistic stuff at the interview with the head and your money is good, you’re in. I’m finding it harder to get my unbaptised little ‘un into a decent public PS!

11 04 2011
Fi

” Admirable is the name of God, in the Spirit of Reparation of blasphemy” Jesus to Sr. Marie de Saint-Piere of St. Peter. A Carmelite Nun of Tours, France.
He also requested this to be recited, the reason is after the prayer.:
“May the most holy, most sacred, most adorable, most incomprehensible and ineffable Name of God be forever praised, blessed, loved, adored and glorified in Heaven, on Earth, and under the Earth by all the creatures of God and by the Sacred Heart of Our Lord Jesus Christ in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar. Amen.”

Jesus said “This Golden Arrow will wound My Heart delightfully,
and heal the wounds inflicted by blasphemy.”

11 04 2011
chris

Point being?

11 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I think youse just got told off for taking baby jesus name in vain.

11 04 2011
chris

Figured as much. Guess some folk are too stoopid even to read the paragraph in bold caps.
Back @ ya then, Fi: Matthew 21:13 “My house shall be called a house of prayer, but you have turned it into a den of thieves.” I believe that was what Jeebus yelled as he kicked seventeen different kinds of snot out of the temple priests. Love to think what he’d do at a Hillsong gig.

11 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

You can bet Jeebus would sort out the happy handclappers good, real good. They deserve the impending apocalypse. There would certainly be some smitting and casting down.

12 04 2011
Fi

Nope Chris. Not ‘stoopid’ at all. I totally get the humour. Just putting out a prayer. I can see how MAXXXTREME a baptism can be for the bogue. It will justify their ‘belief’ in being judgemental….not that they are racist, but.
They will feel very pious no doubt.

12 04 2011
chris

Hi there Fi. Sorry for calling you stoopid. I thought you must have been one of these spittle-flying-across-the-keyboard types who arc up any time religion is mentioned. You know: “let them try saying that to the Muslims, see where it gets them….” etc. I assumed you were like that and I was wrong to do so. (Please tell me I was wrong, Fi.)
But what I don’t get, and maybe it is me who is being stoopid, is the continual reference to blasphemy in your “prayer” considering the original post was not blasphemous in any way. Perhaps you could expand on that (you may need to use bold caps as well), bearing in mind that many here didn’t receive their education in institutions whose name began with “Our Lady of…” Cheers.

13 04 2011
Fi

LOL Chris.
No problem : )

It is just a prayer that I think is really cool, b/c its so simple and it was dictated in a vision…yes we can argue whether the vision was real or not.

And the way I look at is, I think JC was pretty cool, and I think most people would agree regardless of whether they believe he is their Saviour or not. He was ahead of his time as a social rights spokes person, let the first without sin cast the first stone…talk about calling peoples shit! Hung our with crooks, lepers etc, didn’t like hypocritical BS and had the guts to say it, but still also gave lessons on compassion…Do unto others etc ? Turn the other cheek…Pretty amazing stuff, especially for that era…Anyway…I don’t know how many people have endured crucifixion, I can barely cope with an acupuncture needle!!! and the way I look at is, he took a lot of shit for us…so something such as this, that pleases him…why not, thats all he asks.

It is my beliefs that make me think…do something nice for others…it costs nothing. I do the same if I see a homeless person…have a chat with them, see someone upset..I send a ‘ prayer’ out to them that I hope they receive comfort soon etc etc.
It says it pleases him…and he would like many to say it…so why not??
‘Just saying’ ; )

13 04 2011
chris

Mmmmkaayyyy. If you like praying, that’s fine by me. But here’s something I still don’t get. Regardless of what people think of the ole KJV Bible (and I don’t really care either way) there is no denying that it is a significant piece of literature. It has been an influence on many people from Milton, Shakespeare and Hemingway to Stephen King, Nick Cave and Black Francis.
But you chose to quote what some French nun thought she heard when she saw the face of Jesus in her grilled cheese?
Also, I’m pleased that your faith motivates you to do good deeds, but please, pretty please with coconut sprinkles on top: please don’t go down the road that so many christians do in thinking that they have a monopoly on good works and charity. It’s a bad look.

13 04 2011
Fi

I do not think that at all I have a monopoly at all. I did not state that either.

You assumed when I wrote ‘ my beliefs’ I meant Christian beliefs…That is not what I wrote.

And the cheese sandwich jibe, yeah, that is a bit blahhhh.
No correlation.

You asked for an explanation, I gave it.
It is just me trying to do a small little part.
‘ Just sayin’

13 04 2011
James Hunter

fi,
If god were so smart then i’m sure he would not give a toss weather people were good christians muslims Bahai’s,buddists or heathens so long as they lead the right kind of life and treated their fellow men according to the universal golden rule.

13 04 2011
Fi

James
I agree with you. I’ ve met people who are more ‘Christian’ in their values that official Christians…but that happens in every religion.

Separate the religion from the faith.
I try and have faith, I struggle with it a lot, but I still to my first claim, I think JC is very cool. I am a bit of a socialist at heart and that is what I like.

13 04 2011
Fi

Oops a few typos. Apologies. A long day/night at uni!

13 04 2011
James Hunter

Fi, Then you will appreciate the similarity of the chrisians and socialists versions of the golden rule. From each according to his capacity and to each according to his need (Marx)
and do unto others as you would have them do unto you ( holy bible)

its a good line to get an argument going at a gathering. Karl Marx was a christian at heart !!??

15 04 2011
$hruglife

He might have been a good bloke, but definitely not ‘cool.’

11 04 2011
chris

“I promise I’ll stop if you don’t like it.” Fr Seamus O’Finnigan to unnamed altar boy, c 1973.

12 04 2011
Gold Coaster

That’s not in the Bible…is it a Catholic teaching/writing?

11 04 2011
duxlux

If stretch hummers are the go for bogan weddings, then we can only expect more maxxx-tremeness at baptisms.

Other options for guarantee your ‘HSV Load’ into the afterlife should include:

1) A ritual first tattooing in Germanic lettering
2) A mini schooner glassing – a lasting memory
3) An AC/DC Angus Young School Boy outfit, instead of the white purity cloths.
4) Use of Woodstock or Jim Beam, instead of holy water
5) All of the above (but for more $$$ of course)

11 04 2011
shakPower

finish off with the baby glassing the priest, breaking some random stuff in the church and the parents getting pissed on champagne and yelling out ‘furking cunts’ at every nun is sight…

11 04 2011
chris

Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!

13 04 2011
Gold Coaster

Careful now.

14 04 2011
chris

Just quoting one of my favourite theologians, GC.

15 04 2011
Gold Coaster

Me too- Father Dougal McGuire!! “Careful now, Father Ted!”

Father Jack is my absolute favourite though.

15 04 2011
chris

Of course. D’oh. *glasses self*

11 04 2011
chris

A bit of velvet rope, VIP card-style action wouldn’t go astray either, dux.

11 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I will dress my first born son in an Angus Young School Boy Baby outfit.

I’m not joking.

11 04 2011
shakPower

HAHA bogans turning to spirituality , surely doomsday is not far off then. There’s only so much bogan love God can take!

11 04 2011
djm

I never believed that bogans would grasp Pascal’s Wager, much less accept it!

11 04 2011
chris

The closest that the bogan will ever come to Pascal’s Wager is using jelly beans as poker chips.

11 04 2011
urbanreverie

ROTFL! That’s good, Chris :)

12 04 2011
Mick

Pascal’s Wager.

Thank you. Another thing that I can add to the list of “Things Mick Learnt From TBL.”

13 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

One of my favourite theories.

20 04 2011
A.Net

What a laugh, the bogan grasping Pascals Wager ! That would assume a grasp on logic :)

11 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

The bogan thinks a hedge fund is the money put aside each month for a fresh Brazilian.

12 04 2011
chris

The bogan thinks fiscal rectitude is something gay guys do when no one else is around.

12 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Oh, sounds ouchy.

13 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

The bogan thinks that Cannes is what they got their girlfriend last Christmas.

13 04 2011
MeAgain

HAHAHA Simon, you are indeed funny. Most bogan sheila’s would probably shave & preferably with Shane’s razor…

13 04 2011
James Hunter

isnt it some extra you pay “jims mowing”

11 04 2011
Pinny

a classic bogan in my mothers group had her baby boy baptised in the catholic church even though NEITHER of them were Micks. It all makes sense now though…………..

11 04 2011
barkeep @ the Ye Olde Glassing Barn

Some of the text will have to be re-translated to speak to the bogue of today;
“Let ye who is right cast the first glass”
David did not “smite” Goliath. The story is now that he glassed him.
“Eve did accept a bottle of Corona for thine did not taste like beer, after her 3rd bottle Adam did try and get the leg over cause he sensed she was sufficiently intoxicated to put up minimal fight for fornication”
“And Moses did part the water, he did so by using a jet ski”
“Emerging from the cave after being believed to be dead, Jesus did say “nay, twas not dead merely had a “rager” on Friday and took all weekend to recover”.
“Thou shall not make for yourself an idol, unless it is some hot celebrity who we can all look up to for battling drug addiction sex addiction and what have you”
“Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy by only watching Pink & the V8 supercars, then try to make everyday like the Sabbath by feining injury and receiving workers comp”
“Thou shall not take the lords name in vain unless there is a “faarkin” somewhere in the pronunciation”
“Thou shall not commit adultery unless the chick and/or guy are really hot”
“Thou shall not steal unless it is something that would look good around the home”
“Thou shall do no murder unless the caarnt asked for it and you gave him a glassing and when he hit the pavement he died, so for technical purposes it was the pavement that killed him”
“Thou shall not covert your neighbours wife unless she is hot”
Some of the sins will have to be changed. Maybe along the lines of; Lust – it’s compulsory and Greed – does not apply to you but everyone else around you, and be sure to point this out when they are or Gluttony – accepted at all you can eat restaurants

11 04 2011
chris

Priceless, barkeep. I say you’re the messiah and I should know, I’ve followed a few.

11 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Is that you Brian?

12 04 2011
Gold Coaster

He’s not the messiah, just a very naughty boy.

12 04 2011
chris

I am Brian. And so is my wife.

12 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin Carnts

Can I join you?

12 04 2011
chris

Hell yeah. It’s fun!

12 04 2011
chris

The bogan thinks Noam Chomsky is an Israeli chocolate bar.

13 04 2011
Fi

good one. and they would be baffled s to why said chocolate bar unwraps itself on ‘ democracy now’.

13 04 2011
James Hunter

do they have negros in the israeli army ?

12 04 2011
chris

The bogan thinks a J curve is something the missus read about in Cosmo.

12 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Bogans think resurrections are cause by Viagra.

12 04 2011
chris

resurrections or red erections?

12 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Bogans think divine intervention is a poor umpiring decision in their favour.

12 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Simon, don’t you know that there’s no such thing as an umpiring decision in your favour? If it’s agins you, it’s a shit decision. If it’s for you, it’s blatantly obvious.

I’d’ve thought a guy like you who actually follows sport would know better.

Also, bogans think Monty Python is Mr Burns’ pet snake.

12 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

True dat Ash, forgot to put my bogue hat on.

13 04 2011
James Hunter

what a way to get the blues ?

13 04 2011
Fi

LOL

13 04 2011
Fi

wheres a thumbs up icon when u need it?? : )

12 04 2011
chris

oops. posted that in the wrong spot. That was meant to go under Simon’s “brazillian” post.
Correct answer, Ash: No! F@ck off!

12 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Hey I don’t want to have this Swazi tat, it was a mistake. I hate the bogans as much as anybody!

12 04 2011
chris

Oh yeah. Well go paint “F*ck off we’re full” in latin on that mosque over there. 100 times.

13 04 2011
Vviv2

Nos procul Eleonota plena

13 04 2011
Vviv2

sorry Chris, that should have been…

Pedicabo nos plena off

12 04 2011
barkeep @ the Ye Olde Glassing Barn

It could be but it is spelt Bryyann.

Release Rojja, or
Relesae Rodknee

12 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Isn’t that Wodger.

Oooo look a sandal, follow the sandal…….

13 04 2011
Gold Coaster

No, the Gourd! Follow the Gourd!

13 04 2011
chris

Heretic! Persecute the unbeliever!

13 04 2011
James Hunter

its both its ghandi bringing water

12 04 2011
chris

haha! ROFL! (or RØPHLE)

11 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

barkeep, if I could love anything more than I love cake, Coopers Pale Ale and massive cans on women combined, I would love this post. Possibly the greatest thing I have ever seen on TBL. Take a bow, sir.

Although, I would make one minor adjustment – Sundays can also be used for watching footy.

11 04 2011
Frank incensed

As a happy-clapper myself, I’ve never been less offended than I am by this post. It’s clearly not a stab at baptism, it’s a stab at hypocrites. I have far more time for non-believers who taunt my beliefs than I do for morons who do lipservice to christianity while giving it a bad reputation.

Indeed it is, Frank. But we’ve had so much filthy feedback in the past to what was actually fairly innocuous stuff, that we wanted to pre-emptively mock the fools who do so. Probably not a good way to drive comment traffic, though, in retrospect. TBL

11 04 2011
chris

There should be more like you, Frank. From an ex-clapper.

11 04 2011
Cherry

Frank, I get offended non-believers because they feel the need to push their belief system onto me. I’ve been ridiculed multiple times by people for my refusal to not have sex before marriage, as if it’s the biggest thing in the world. Having someone ridicule your beliefs and practices as bad as having a religious person tell you you’ll go to their version of hell because you don’t agree with them. Why can’t people just respect other people?

12 04 2011
Gold Coaster

True. I’ve been in the same boat. Non-believers can be more judgmental! My mother thought I was terrible for not putting out before I married the guy! But on the other hand, you get a lot of respect from all types for sticking to your principles. Good on you.

11 04 2011
Cherry

For the record TBL, I’m a Christian and the minute I saw your post I totally got it.

I recall lots of families come with their babies to be baptised, never to be seen of again. I’ve never been sure what it’s in aid of…whether they were just getting a shoe-in in the unbelievably remote chance the child then wanted to become an actual Christian. My parents always tell me that we should be open to whoever wants to be baptised…I’m not sure why we should waste part of our service on someone who has no intention of respecting our traditions.

11 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

No more warnings please TBL, we keep getting all these sensible, level headed comments. No good, no good at all.

13 04 2011
James Hunter

Simon, time for affirmative action

14 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Send in the Beagles JH!

12 04 2011
Gold Coaster

I’m a Christian, and our organisation does not baptise infants. The point of baptism is that you’re dedicating your life to follow Jesus and worship God, and how can you make that decision as a baby? It’s a serious decision that only an individual can make after much study and consideration. In the first Century, it was those old enough to make that decision who got baptised (Jesus himself was 29!) I was 19 myself.

12 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin Carnts

Reminds me of the opening lines of the movie Saved! (great movie, for those who haven’t seen it) where the girl claims that she’s “been Born Again her whole life.”

12 04 2011
devil's advocate

I thought baptism was an interim measure so the baby didn’t go to limbo. The active choice part comes in at confirmation (which, being done at around 13-14 years of age, still might be questionable but you can argue still voluntary).

13 04 2011
Gold Coaster

The Catholic church cancelled limbo a few years ago. Guess all the unbaptised babies got let out.

In the Bible Jesus got baptised at 29. John the Baptiser was not baptised at all. Did he go to limbo?

13 04 2011
devil's advocate

Sorry, they go to limbo if they die before being baptised.

Based on that reasoning then yes, John the Baptist would have gone to limbo based on not having been baptised.

Unless the cancellation of limbo by the vatican or whoever applies retrospectively, ie they don’t get let out, they just never went there to begin with. But that’s beyond my thoelogisational skills.

14 04 2011
Willard

I thought after John de Baptist baptised JC he then asked JC to baptise him. Is this a chicken and the egg thing?

11 04 2011
p'bee

it’s just conspicuous consumption under another guise.

11 04 2011
Vviv2

LMAO! Don’t pout Simon…. There’s always room for your brand of humor!

11 04 2011
Benny Hill

Most priests envisage cumming on the baby’s face while it applies the holy water.

11 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Thanks for that Benny.

11 04 2011
Davo

I’m suprissed bogans haven’t started converting to Judaism in the belief that all Jews are rich.

11 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

It’s not easy to convert to Judaism. I’m not an expert, but I believe that it takes at least one year and a lot of Torah study for the most liberal sects. You think bogans are down for that?

11 04 2011
Davo

And they’d have to give up their saturdays. No chance

11 04 2011
chris

Not to mention the whole slicing off the foreskin thing.

11 04 2011
Snag

And perhaps the no pork thing.

11 04 2011
Davo

Bogan Shinto. Instead of a tea ceremony, flower arrangement and lighting incence for ghosts. They could have a glassing ceremony, sticker arrangement and burning rubber.

11 04 2011
Vviv2

Can’t you just picture it? Bogans wearing Yarmulke with “F**k off, we’re full” tastefully embroidered on the back…. :-D

11 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Haha, you’ve given me an idea. I have a mate at uni who’s Jewish – I might just be able to convince him to rock this.

11 04 2011
Vviv2

The bogans would look on in AWE…..

11 04 2011
Vviv2

The bogans would look on in AWE
They might even make him PM

12 04 2011
Davo

Would bogans become Jewish for an Ed Hardy yarmulke?

12 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

I have a cousin in the US who’s step-brother is Jewish, and he’s a hard-core Jewbogue. I should ask him.

12 04 2011
Vviv2

You just may have hit on a great marketing ploy Dave….

13 04 2011
Fi

rofl!

14 04 2011
Willard

Gold!

20 04 2011
XXX

Yes, but it requires too much sacrifice, study and dedication to be Jewish. Bogans couldn’t hack it. Most Jews are intelligent too. Nuff said!

11 04 2011
Blueballs

I’ve got better things to do on Sunday morning than being reminded by some kiddyfiddler that I’m going to hell for my numerous and many ‘sins’… Does that make me a Bogan too?

As for the possibility of the spawn of Blueballs getting baptised, Thats not going to happen since Mrs Balls whittled away her fertile years seeking career fulfilment only to file for divorce when she realised her biological clock hit 1945hrs and shifted all her barren resentfulness on to me for failing to ‘produce the goods’ earlier with my pill resistant wonder-spunk.

Sorry, it would’ve been my wedding anniversary today and I needed to get that off my chest!

11 04 2011
Vviv2

*Hugz*
Hope you feel better now BB…

12 04 2011
Gold Coaster

Some women give the rest of us a bad name. I’m sorry about that, Mr Blue.

“I’ve got better things to do on Sunday morning than being reminded by some kiddyfiddler that I’m going to hell for my numerous and many ‘sins’… Does that make me a Bogan too?”

No, that does not make you Bogan. Churches who allow kiddyfiddlers to stay, and use the preaching of a fictitious ‘hell’ to frighten their followers into compliance are not doing it the way Jesus did, that’s for sure! It just means you can see what these religions have done in the name of God, and you no doubt know that God is disgusted with them, and so is Jesus. Matthew 7:21 says Jesus will say, “Get away from me, you workers of lawlessness!”

11 04 2011
Pandabater

I thought the bogan got his kids baptised
because it’s in all of his lifetime instructional
(Gangster) videos.

11 04 2011
Mick

Bogan baptism
deal eternal has made
behave like a carnt

11 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord of Glassin' Carnts

Holy water keeps
The bogue out of hell
For glassin some carnts

11 04 2011
Pendant

Loved the Plasma gaffe on Mediawatch tonight. The rest was a bit morbid though… what the hell’s going on in the ABC editorial department?

11 04 2011
Pendant

lol just realised it doesn’t air for another 2 minutes. Go watch it people!

12 04 2011
HappyFriend

How true! Brilliant!

12 04 2011
Gold Coaster

I can understand why TBL put the disclaimer up. So many posts in the past have been from indignants who just didn’t get the irony. It’s a shame it has to be like that, but that’s what bogans have done to our world.

12 04 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin Carnts

They could use a little Full Body Rigidity, methinks.

12 04 2011
chris

I love these guys. Whenever I feel like a good belly laugh….

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

14 04 2011
Give a toss

Wow! I just wonder how many happy clappers have already tried to book into a sermon with Pastor Deacon Fred Smith. Sadly the NABs won’t like the dress code though.

18 04 2011
XXX

It’s a hoax website. A very good hoax but a hoax nonetheless. It was set up by an atheist to poke fun at fundamentalist Christians. Google it and you will get the full story. I particularly enjoy the “kids” page.

20 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

A hoax? Really, do you think? Damn, I sent them money for a copy of “Levi the Little Cockroach”.

20 04 2011
XXX

Come on Chris. You are still saying them, when it is actually one person responsible for the website. You certainly sounded as though you believed it. “I love these guys”. That doesn’t sound like you knew it was a hoax. Not that it matters, it’s still hilarious!

20 04 2011
chris - Bogan Whisperer to the Rich and Famous

You’re absolutely right, of course. It doesn’t matter. I like The Simpsons as well. “Them” “those guys”… whatever. I’m pretty sure “they” are fictitious as well.

12 04 2011
Andrea

Our son was baptised the same day as a little girl named Kayela. Seriously. Kayela Brooke Jayne. Haven’t seen them in the church since, mind you.

I think my biggest problem was the in-laws who insisted on going to Mass the previous night because heaven forfend they should take communion in an Anglican church! Meh. A pox on them. Just because I refused to convert to Catholicism…

12 04 2011
devil's advocate

I think we’re all missing the most important part of this latest posting, which is – TBL have updated their previous references to plasma screens to reflect the current technology, which is 3D.

Thanks, TBL.

12 04 2011
chubbybloodfart

anyway.
f#ck christians.
&
fu#k religon.
sick of it.
humanity wipes itself out over a dispute as to whether the supreme being wants us to wear a hat or not.
If there is a god he deserves better than us.
and anyway, there isn’t. the research is well and truly in.
just because you can’t understand what LabCoat is saying, it don’t make it wrong.
(this is also true for climæt deniers)

12 04 2011
Pendant

Just fyi, he wants us to wear a hat.

DEATH TO THE HATLESS ONES!!!!

13 04 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

*dons bogue hat again*

13 04 2011
Gold Coaster

I understand what labcoat says, but I don’t necessarily agree with him/her/the collective.

14 04 2011
Pendant

Uh oh. Which issue has prickled your contention?

14 04 2011
Gold Coaster

Evolution. I’ve studied it in depth and when I did I changed my belief to something different!

13 04 2011
James Hunter

Onyer chubby, a sensible comment is so welcome.

14 04 2011
Pandabater

I need to share.
On RPM Tuesday night Shane the trainer
from The Fattest Bastard said;
Harleys are the Pandora bracelet for men.
Gold, twenty fckn four carat gold.

14 04 2011
James Hunter

If there is a god I’m sure he would not give a toss what god you believe in but I’m also sure he may look a bit askance at membership in some of the popular religions.
like my pet hate is people who feel they can do whatever bad shit all week because on sunday they go confess and its all forgiven. What a load of delusional cobblers.

14 04 2011
chris

I don’t care what day people worship on. I don’t care how many arms their deity has. I don’t care that their religion might have been cobbled together by a couple of mid-western travelling chamber-pot salesmen in the 19th century. Live and let live. I simply ask two things: 1. Don’t bug me when I’m trying to get dinner on. 2. Don’t take advantage of the vulnerable. If you can’t do this then sorry, you’re not part of a religion, you’re part of a scam.

15 04 2011
martin

Don’t close the f#cking bottlos on Good Friday you c#nts. I always suspect that Good Friday gives a taste as to what it must be like to live in a facist/communist country.

That’s it James, if there is a God and he’s a good bloke and all that he’s not going to give a toss what religion you were a part of, he’ll just want to know how much of a c#nt you were.

6 05 2011
Tristain

you are a bogan

22 08 2011
steph

hear hear, only a bogan would bitch about a bottlo being closed one day out of 365

15 04 2011
Willard

I’ve seen plenty of citations from The Bible but haven’t spotted any from Dawkins or Hitchens, a couple of sensible types if there ever was. Ah, I gotta remind myself this is about bogans and not about anything else…

15 04 2011
Gold Coaster

Dawkins and Hitchens won’t outlive the Bible. I’m familiar with Dawkins’ work, I just don’t believe his ideas. That doesn’t make me a bogan. Dawkins would like to think so, because one of his major logic flaws is ad hominem attacks on those who disagree with him.

29 04 2011
d-b

All of you are bogans, especially the Hitchens enthusiasts. Read some Augustine and head over to ABC’s religion and ethics portal. OR if you consider yourself an atheist at least read Hume instead of that god-awful Journalist.

6 05 2011
Tristain

bogans like baptisims? apart from a couple of massive greek and italian affairs the baptisims i’ve been too have been a quiet lunch or family bbq … i guess TBL is losing things to talk about ..

22 08 2011
steph

I went to a baptism once for little Ashton who was born to unmarried parents. BOGAN!

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