Vow Generator

Try out our BOGAN WEDDING VOW GENERATOR

You will find no Tennyson, Byron or Yeats on a Bogan’s bookshelf – although you may find one of these. And, with the bookshelf in such close proximity to the home theatre, offering its endless array of high-octane entertainment, it’s rare the Bogan will pick up a book at all, unless thus prompted. No, on almost all occasions, the Bogan doesn’t like poetry in the least bit – it’s pooncy, vague and confusing. But during the festival of self-expression that is a Bogan wedding, the Bogan not only likes poetry, it is a ravaging fiend for it.

Writing its own wedding vows is a perfect way for the newly unleashed Bogan poet to satiate this need. The Bogan is rarely articulate in everyday life, and often finds a shortcut to self-expression through the wisdom and wit of others, with mixed results. The Bogan recognises that writing its own wedding vows is the perfect opportunity to put to use the tritest and most saccharine phrases learnt over years of watching Hugh Grant films, and attending the weddings of other Bogans.  The Bogan also knows that in customising this solemn oath, it can set the tone of the entire matrimonial period, till death, incarceration or spit roasting the spouse’s sister do they part.

Given the popularity of self-penned vows, it’s curious that all Bogan wedding vows are almost always utterly identical in every way. Without exception, any given Bogan wedding vow will contain the same familiar and threadbare clichés as the last, differing only in the order those clichés are strung together. To illustrate this, we have a treat for TBL readers – a barely customisable, totally awesome Bogan Wedding Vow Generator from our good friend Jaxon Pillock.  Before you try Bogan poetry for yourself, though, cast your eyes across this pearler of a wedding vow from the Bogan Poet Laureate herself, Bec Hewitt. See if you can beat her high score…

“I really don’t know where to start

but I definitely know you’ve captured my heart,

It started that night you called me up,

to see if I’d play in the Starlight Cup

Way back then, little did we know,

That our love for one another could grow and grow,

A text message or two is what kept us in touch

And I want you to know that I love you so much

It wasn’t’til late in 2004

That I received another phone call

When we decided to meet,

we went up the street for something to eat,

From that day on I’ve been by your side

And look at me now,

I am here as your bride!

I used to wish upon a star

that I’d meet the perfect husband

- and here you are!

You’re an inspiration to so many including me,

Anyone whose (sic) ever met you can count

themselves lucky,

I’m so lucky I’ve found the one,

Being with you I have nothing but fun,

You are my best friend and my dream come true

And I’m so glad to be sharing all this with you

This is only the start of our dream together,

But I promise to love you until forever

I can’t wait to start my life with you,

Just being together, our dreams will come true

I have no doubt I’m glad to be your wife,

And being with me is now a part of your life

I admire you for so many reasons,

I mean look at what happened at the Four Seasons!

We’re about to experience the miracle of life,

but always remember I’m so proud to be your wife,

Having a family with you makes me so glad,

I know I’ll never get sad,

Thanks so much for choosing me,

By sticking together we’ll make a great family

Engaged and then married and now one on the way,

I’ll take such good care of you every day,

It’s safe to say I’ll love you more and more

And marrying you today, I couldn’t be more sure.

Rebecca Hewitt! I’m your wife!

 

I promise you one thing, stick with me and you’ll have a bloody good life!”

44 responses

10 12 2009
Chris

I luv the vow generator… me and my missus yoused Bec Hewitts vows as inspiration… we met at the parra speedway….

24 05 2010
TheMon

Pass the sick bag, a really big one.

30 03 2011
Jiba Jaba

Dairo’s

10 12 2009
Kat

Is that really Bec Hewitt’s wedding vow? No way.

Another bogan trait – absence of embarrassment.

10 12 2009
Kat

Love the wedding vow generator.

11 12 2009
Gav

“till death, incarceration or spit roasting the spouse’s sister do they part”

pure comedy gold!!

11 12 2009
Beck

I’m still laughing – thanks, Bogan Wedding Vow Generator! Now, if only we could subscribe on our mobiles after watching the ad on commercial telly late at night …

Our hearts combine deep like the ocean
And baby you have my devotion
I’ll never ever disagree
And love you for eternity
Cause you are amazing, and you do amazing things,
And I wouldn’t change it, cause we are amazing things.
I vow to change the Huggies at 2am,
love the kids and play with them
I vow to split the difference on the thermostat *
Kapo rere te kuri. Taku ringaringa te ngaua e te kuri
Each night I will kiss you to remind you of my love
Our romance will rise up to heaven above

*sniff* It’s just so *beaut*.

19 12 2009
bogankings

How about Layton calling another bogan celebrity that he does not even know just to hook up? What an arse clown. Apparently alot of hollywood celebrities do this too.

20 12 2009
ohnobogan

Another bogan trait – never knowing when enough is enough (enough beer, enough make up, enough babies), that prose must have taken 20 minutes to read through, with all the crying and puppy eye looks.

22 12 2009
Sam

LOL!!!

27 01 2010
Aussiguru01

Get me a bucket please!

2 02 2010
pinky has a brain

I nearly died laughing TBL- Too awesome

3 04 2010
Tombarina

I’d never actually read this pome (NOT poem) before.

If only I could turn back the clock – by about three minutes, to a happier, brighter time, when I wasn’t aware of slack-jawed lobotomised dross like:

I admire you for so many reasons,
I mean look at what happened at the Four Seasons!

Tombarina needs a little lie down. Tombarina’s not feeling at all well…..

7 04 2010
Linda

I’m still laughing!! That cannot be real! Can it? Please put me out my misery. Someone did not really spout that crap at their wedding????????? No shame. Truly a bogan trait that needs exploring.

9 04 2010
helen

I’m CRYING with laughter! The sheer, utter, beauty of this vow. The genius of this site…

18 04 2010
OMG

My incredibly bogue cousin who lives in Gosnells, WA…who would thought that would be a haven for developing bogans…no one else would live there!
Anyway, just as herf wedding vows were completed she annouced “hey babes, guess wot, we’re hitched!” Peeeeerrrffect. They now have 5 kids with such ridiculous names I am too embarassed to list them however, Rainbow (son), River (daughter) & Leaf (Son) feature. Bless.

24 05 2010
Sherilee from Mill Park

I rekon my vows were better.
I said “You are my life, you are my sun, you are my moon, you are the food that I eat, you are the earth that I walk, you are my world, you are everything”.
He reckons I was the best thing to ever happen to him, betterer even than the day he bought his Commodore HSV, and much betterer than his mates. And to show how much he loved me he filled the whole bathroom in the honeymoon suite with flowers just like in that youtube clip. We couldn’t even get in there to have a bath together, but that didn’t matter because I knew he loved me.

20 10 2010
Firekai

Betterer?? Gawd… pass me the sick bag for this bogan puhleese…

22 01 2013
scott

Oh the humanity…..

24 06 2010
Em

Hahahaha… best bogan wedding speech closer ever, following a teary thanks to the mother of the bride for all she has done to support them (which was quite alot)…..
“I just want to finish with a little joke…..What’s the difference between jelly and jam?…….You can’t jelly your cock down your wife’s throat”…..silence….nervous laughter…. WTF?

7 10 2010
SneakiPeet

Oh my goodness…No, no. That can not be said at a wedding. Did Grannie fall off her chair or have a heart attack? One of those two things had to happen.

7 10 2010
SneakiPeet

Is it worrying that I think this sounds really romantic?

15 10 2010
micko

My grandfather married this year and unfortunately the best mans speech largely consisted of stories of trips to Hay St on some seniors trip to Kalgoorie, this was met with bewilderment of most, disgust of many and apparently the delight of some.

18 10 2010
from outer space

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I could see that vow on four weddings! hahaha …which is another bogan show. hahahaha!!!

8 11 2010
wacky

Another important thing bogans particularly love…super tacky funerals!
Those crowd -scanning big plasma TV screens in the chapels aid and abet the travesty. At last they can be stars on their own candid camera show with those mawkish pop diva Kylie or Delta songs or favorite footy team club songs they choose, to send the dear departed off. Betraying the fact they are really trash thinkers from the suburban back blocks to their more detached and cultured acquaintances, present.
Wacky

8 11 2010
fitter

I’m shocked and disturbed more than anything. I knew the Hewitts were bogan royalty, but this is beyond the pale….. just appalling.

9 11 2010
wacky

Don’t be shocked, fitter.
None of us should be, when un- coincidentally, droves of sports dickheads and soap opera / model bimbos or plain ‘glamor bikes’ team up for the mutual benefits of spin-off publicity as part of the fame ‘shagging’ network. It becomes a case of selling a ‘air-head’ romance story and then a wedding to New Idea or any of the other brainless female magazines. A simple case of being a pure joint driven commercial enterprise. If some falter and commit ‘faux pas’ along the way, some manager/agent will try to clean up ‘some poor thing’ with maybe a strut on Dancing with the Stars, a heart break story about a cousin three times removed, or how they have found ‘new love’ – on T/T or A.C.A.

All part of a promotional ritual by the Bogan A -list social set,: that mosquito species – concerned only with being the center of attention. Always looking for that unattached candidate who they see as an achiever (at least , for now !), to blood-suck and continue keeping them in the public eye. Makes one want to reach for the insect spray!

On cue when they speak: they tend to quickly expose the degree of their intelligence ‘as nothing more than a long day car trip across empty spaces , between both ears’. So sad when they realize they will be nobodies and forgotten wannabees in 5 years time and find their ‘personal re-invention’ time has ran out!

11 11 2010
Stephanie

Well my cousin (massive bogan) and his wife had beautiful bonbonniere (NOT) at their wedding reception on all the tables, stubby holders- yes that’s right!!
They were printed on with ‘ To have and to hold, to keep your beer cold’ and my cousin and his wifes name and wedding date. Reception of course had a DJ who played Cold Chisel amogonst other tunes. Thankfully I did not attend this wedding, but my parents, sister and brother passed on this tragic story to me. The venue also proudly stated on a brass tablet that it was ‘EST 2007′. I can’t remember the suburb in Melbourne, but it was out in 1 of the horrible ‘burbs past Taylors Lakes.

29 04 2011
Lilybet

I heard of a wedding that gave stubby holders as bombonniere. The lovely things were inscribed “I got pissed at — and —‘s wedding”. Klassy.

15 11 2010
Britt

Bonbonniere= BOGAN.

Just don’t do it people. No one needs/wants your wedding “show-bag”.

24 11 2010
Ash - Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model

I hurled after “I really don’t know where to start.”

22 01 2013
scott

if only she’d known when to finish. like right there.

7 01 2011
HappyFriend

I just can’t bring myself to accept that a fellow human would say this, and at a wedding no less!

15 02 2011
Andie the Amateur

Guess what people? There’s actually a FAN PAGE for this poem on Facebook! I have lost all faith in mankind. Here’s the evidence:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=249366232665

Hope youse all like the profile picture of the page too.

27 04 2011
JD

Why have wedding speeches become akin to 21st birthday speeches???

22 09 2011
wishiw@z@bogan

gittin’ me a tr@cksedo right now ! Luvy@z@ll !!!!!!!!

19 11 2011
PluckedGrouse

Bec: I rooley luv him & stuff.
LAYT!!: She’s a grouse chick!
Bec: Do ya wanna do it Babe?
LAYT!!: C’MON!!

15 12 2011
Daniel Pascoe

that is beautiful …bec is such a talented aussie actress …and now a poet …our very own william butlah yeets

21 04 2012
Ranting Snob

That vow is aggressively mediocre drivel. She has self worth issues, amongst other problems. I have never felt such nausea.

I feel that Bec and Layton are more than just bogan royalty. They are in fact, the very physical embodiment bogandom, split into yin and yang. Once they were wed, these energies united, culminating in a cataclysmic explosion – a “Bogan Big Bang” if you will – from which emanated particles of boganness that have rained down upon society for years since. Their union has created a singular “Bogan Star” whose raison d’etre is to make bogandom appear not only acceptable, but even desirable to others, and by implication, imbuing all existing bogans with a sense of undeserved social cachet. Now bereft of a sense of inferiority vis-a-vis their lowly place in the social stratum, the bogans, having become embolded by the Bogan Star’s anabolic presence, begin to become “proud” of being bogans…

In the interests of taste, aesthetics and civility, the Bogan Star and all of their (numerous) offspring should be promptly neutered and spayed in order to prevent their genome from further contaminating civilised humanity. Alas, left wing civil rights types inform me that this is not permissible by law.

I will be watching the decay of Western Civilisation from the Country Club in my Land Rover. May god have mercy on us.

11 07 2013
Carolina Springs

raison d’etre? Is that like a sultana that looks like Dieter Brummer?

26 07 2012
Maya

hahaha! i just did me and my partner for the began vow generator. sooo funny. umm, is that REALLY Bec Hewitt’s wedding vows? scary…

31 07 2012
Char

My current boyfriend is a bogan if he said those vows at our wedding i would walk out, or be mortified in front of my family (very high class family, my grandmother owns many ballet schools in europe). we are two very different people but we go together so well and plus i love the chevys

20 03 2013
gransano

This is really sumfink !!! all this lovely proze etc. why can’t someone make a short fillum on this topic

gransano

24 06 2014
Unfoofoo - Survivor from the deepest garages of doomness

Fucking Hell!….This (original article) is weapons grade drivel!

I bet all all the home-job window tint on all of the cars in the Hill Pong / Roman Catholic Bum Rape / Hysterical religion,… Church car park, bubbled to Hades, upon the reading of this sloppy, morning after, laundry emergency 5th grade composition, rectal ejecta.

Someone please kill me.

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