Try out our BOGAN WEDDING VOW GENERATOR
You will find no Tennyson, Byron or Yeats on a Bogan’s bookshelf – although you may find one of these. And, with the bookshelf in such close proximity to the home theatre, offering its endless array of high-octane entertainment, it’s rare the Bogan will pick up a book at all, unless thus prompted. No, on almost all occasions, the Bogan doesn’t like poetry in the least bit – it’s pooncy, vague and confusing. But during the festival of self-expression that is a Bogan wedding, the Bogan not only likes poetry, it is a ravaging fiend for it.
Writing its own wedding vows is a perfect way for the newly unleashed Bogan poet to satiate this need. The Bogan is rarely articulate in everyday life, and often finds a shortcut to self-expression through the wisdom and wit of others, with mixed results. The Bogan recognises that writing its own wedding vows is the perfect opportunity to put to use the tritest and most saccharine phrases learnt over years of watching Hugh Grant films, and attending the weddings of other Bogans. The Bogan also knows that in customising this solemn oath, it can set the tone of the entire matrimonial period, till death, incarceration or spit roasting the spouse’s sister do they part.
Given the popularity of self-penned vows, it’s curious that all Bogan wedding vows are almost always utterly identical in every way. Without exception, any given Bogan wedding vow will contain the same familiar and threadbare clichés as the last, differing only in the order those clichés are strung together. To illustrate this, we have a treat for TBL readers – a barely customisable, totally awesome Bogan Wedding Vow Generator from our good friend Jaxon Pillock. Before you try Bogan poetry for yourself, though, cast your eyes across this pearler of a wedding vow from the Bogan Poet Laureate herself, Bec Hewitt. See if you can beat her high score…
“I really don’t know where to start
but I definitely know you’ve captured my heart,
It started that night you called me up,
to see if I’d play in the Starlight Cup
Way back then, little did we know,
That our love for one another could grow and grow,
A text message or two is what kept us in touch
And I want you to know that I love you so much
It wasn’t’til late in 2004
That I received another phone call
When we decided to meet,
we went up the street for something to eat,
From that day on I’ve been by your side
And look at me now,
I am here as your bride!
I used to wish upon a star
that I’d meet the perfect husband
– and here you are!
You’re an inspiration to so many including me,
Anyone whose (sic) ever met you can count
I’m so lucky I’ve found the one,
Being with you I have nothing but fun,
You are my best friend and my dream come true
And I’m so glad to be sharing all this with you
This is only the start of our dream together,
But I promise to love you until forever
I can’t wait to start my life with you,
Just being together, our dreams will come true
I have no doubt I’m glad to be your wife,
And being with me is now a part of your life
I admire you for so many reasons,
I mean look at what happened at the Four Seasons!
We’re about to experience the miracle of life,
but always remember I’m so proud to be your wife,
Having a family with you makes me so glad,
I know I’ll never get sad,
Thanks so much for choosing me,
By sticking together we’ll make a great family
Engaged and then married and now one on the way,
I’ll take such good care of you every day,
It’s safe to say I’ll love you more and more
And marrying you today, I couldn’t be more sure.
Rebecca Hewitt! I’m your wife!
I promise you one thing, stick with me and you’ll have a bloody good life!”