#21 – Massive Cans

9 11 2009

Ever since energy drinks caught the bogan’s eye (bogan + more energy = more bogan) at about the turn of the century, the Coca-Cola company has wanted in. Brands like Red Bull and V had figured out how to reduce the can size by a third, put more caffeine in, and charge twice as much. This is commonly referred to as “marketing genius”. Due to their seemingly terrible understanding of the things that bogans like, Coca-Cola’s attempt to gain traction in this lucrative area failed again and again. First came “Lift Plus” in 2000, which was a spin-off of an established brand, put into a slim can. This didn’t sell well, so they decided to do the exact same thing a couple of years later, but call it “Sprite Recharge”. Unsurprisingly, the bogan remained unmoved. The company then launched “Burn” in 2003, a slim 250ml beverage with only moderate maxtremeness. Fail.

In 2007, evidence emerged that Coca-Cola’s inept marketing department was getting closer to understanding the bogan. Accompanied by a $15 million advertising campaign, they launched “Mother”. The can was covered in tribal tattoos, had an aggressive font, and the name of the product allowed the bogan to make endless jokes such as “I’ve got your mother in my mouth lol”. Despite these improving lures, the bogan did not like the taste, and there was still something missing. It failed.

The next product launch worked, even though they only repackaged the Mother brand. Why? They reverted the taste to one of their previous unsuccessful attempts, and kept the tattooed aggressive can design. They slightly upped the obnoxiousness of the rhetoric, including phrases such as “our lame legal guys made us warn you”, which appeals to the bogan’s desire to break all the rules of people who usually tell the bogan what it can and can not do. However, the thing that caused the success was the doubling of the can from a slender 250ml to a hulking 500ml. At the end of the day, the  bogan requires the widest TV, the loudest jet ski, and the biggest bicep. It will routinely overlook all other details of a product, and prioritise sheer size. Mother had become the energy drink that was clearly the most likely to help bogans win a fist fight, jump a dolphin on a Jet Ski, or successfully negotiate hordes of other bogans at DFO

Coca-Cola could then rest easy, knowing that there were thousands of bogans walking the streets fingering an oversized mother. Indeed, it has been so successful, that both V and Red Bull have launched larger cans to defend their market share. Speaking of massive cans, bogans love enormous breasts, too.

Visual proof that Coca-Cola’s understanding of the bogan has transitioned from “none” to “alarmingly acute” in just a few short years:


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59 responses

9 11 2009
Tez Miller

I don’t even remember “Burn”. Definite FAIL.

9 11 2009
Al

I… I think I love you, thingsboganslike.

13 11 2009
Samantha

I know what you mean Al….it’s like I am not alone anymore

9 11 2009
Air Supply

Coca-Cola has a “-” in it. You should correct the spelling mistakes less you look like a bogan :P

9 11 2009
rustybeamish

It’d be “lest” instead of “less”, so we’ll call it square.

10 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Rustybeamish, you are the greatest human being that’s ever lived. I may let you storm Fortress Fiona if you keep being a good boy.

10 11 2009
Lee

Touche Rusty. “Fortress Fiona” sounds pretty scary though! : )

10 11 2009
rustybeamish

It does sound like a dangerous target. Might have to pack a water bottle and a pack of bandaids.

10 11 2009
Lee

Even an EPIRB!

10 11 2009
Lee

“Coca-Cola” uses quotation marks to show ownership of everything inside the quotation marks as a registered trademark.

They seem to have dropped the “Dynamic Ribbon Device” for some reason, Jeff Grosso would be spewing! (For those of you old enough to know who Jeff Grosso is!)

9 11 2009
Lee

Let me think about this one while I suck on a woodstock longneck!

9 11 2009
boreycake

that reminds me. Woodstock came out with that big limited time can which they could never seem to shrink back to normal size. Bogans love those!

9 11 2009
Lee

Have you tried it though it’s fucking hideous. Tastes like the shit they wring out of the mop at the Jim Beam factory.

9 11 2009
berihebi

Sneak up behind best mate with a can of Mother then reach round and and bang it a few times against his crotch saying “How’s it goin’ motherfucker!”

Classic. I crack me up dude.

9 11 2009
rose

it goes with their choice of “king-size” choc bars

9 11 2009
shazza

There’s nothing quite so sweet as a mini bogan sharing some Mother with his bogan mummy. In his pram, sippy cup in hand, brimming with caffeine and sugar. Brings a tear to my eye.

9 11 2009
berihebi

Was going to call bullshit on this but then:

9 11 2009
shazza

Don’t doubt the shazza berihebi.

10 11 2009
Ghengis

How sad

11 11 2009
shazza

Ghengis,

That’s not the sad part. It gets really depressing when the kid gets diagnosed as ADHD. And then mum and dad sell the little freaked out, sugar addicted kids dexi’s to friends, family and local teenagers.

7 02 2010
Claire

Sad but true

9 11 2009
Indi

The designer version of the Darwin stubby or the 2l ‘easy-goer’ you can get with a family pack at KFC.

9 11 2009
Lee

I really don’t know what it is with energy drinks, they taste like shit and do nothing.
The energy shots are popular now.

9 11 2009
KL

The same low-class bogans who bitterly complain they aren’t paid enough for their dead end manufacturing job and “deserve” a 40% payrise are generally the same ones who swig drinks like this at $5 a pop, daily smoke multiple packs of $15 cigarettes, eat fast food non-stop instead of shopping at a supermarket and buy copious amounts of booze.

Reminds also of when you see on the news those independant petrol stations selling unleaded for $0.89/litre as a gimmick and the bogans line up for hundreds of metres and wait for hours. Nevermind they leave their car idling the whole time and make numerous trips into the store to buy Coke and potato chips while they wait! The important thing to remember is that they are saving money by getting their fuel for $0.30 a litre less!

9 11 2009
Ronan Macewan

it’s not just bogans who do that, just idiots and tight arses.

Also re: people complaining about losing their manufacturing jobs – you sound like a complete snob. Not everyone who is working class is a bogan, just as not everyone with cash to splash is a paragon of aristocratic virtue. Entrenched poverty is not an easy thing to escape, it’s not just about having an aspirational attitude.

9 11 2009
Linda

Loving your reply! :)

10 11 2009
kevin ashman m.d.

i like thesaurus.com too.

2 12 2009
CD

You sir, are a right fuck. Who do you think it is that manufactures your exuberantly over priced cars and builds your state of the art mansions? Who are the people who grow your food and keep your city in the pristine condition that you so ungratefully expect it to be? It’s not the pompous associates you seem inclined to mingle with. It is the so called “Bogan” you jest at while you sip on you $500 bottle of champagne. These are the people who are the heart of society and the butt of every joke. Think about this next time you divulge in your next meal because one of these so called “Bogan’s” grew that, drove it to the supermarket, packaged it and sold it to whomever cooked that meal, and the plate it is served on, in the house you are residing in, in the suburb you hold your “classy” parties in, they were all manufactured, run or maintained by a “Bogan”.

And no thesaurus.com was not used once. Some people that aren’t of upper class do have a decent education and a sense of respect for themselves.

7 12 2010
Class Act

Shut up bogan.

9 11 2011
Sven

and I pay you for it week in week out. Its not my fault you spend it on tasteless rubbish like Ed Hardy and 3 series BMWs.

9 11 2009
Ronan Macewan

(great post and great blog BTW -you carefully avoid crossing the line into the arch snobbery evinced above)

9 11 2009
njptower

Cans? of drink? I thought this was about other sorts of cans that bogans like — big cans = big hooters

9 11 2009
shazza

njptower, I suggest you read the blog author’s blurb above – all the way through.

9 11 2009
Lee

He was dazzled by the heading and unfortunately couldn’t get past it!

10 11 2009
Matty H

Big massive cans of energy drink are so 2007. Its all about the little shots of energy drinks. Aussies are so far behind. In the US there is “5 hour energy”. You can get a 6 pack at Walmart for $10-$15. Its little shots of heaven. I shouldn’t bag it, as I use it and its great. No sugar rush and no come down, just 5 hours of energy… ok I sound like an advertisement. Even worse, a BOGAN! But in my job, long haul cabin crew, on an 18 hour shift flying around the globe, you get your energy from anywhere you can, weather it be a bogan source (energy drink), or a snob source, a triple shot latte. Although I dont believe the energy drink is totally bogan, I will say I have seen a giant can of mother in the cup holder of many falcons and commodores in the westie suburbs. I think, why do these people need all this energy to go from there brick veneer house in the burbs to there 9 to 5 office job?

10 11 2009
Simon

Matty,

Energy comes from calories, try eating something instead of drinking that shit. Energy drinks are 1000% bogan, no doubt. The belief that a can of drink will give you what your body needs but KFC does not supply is bogan logic of the highest order (see also Boost Juice).

10 11 2009
shazza

A flying bogan? Whatever next?

11 11 2009
CB

Shazza, that made me laugh!

12 11 2009
Matty H

You want to see flying bogans, just wonder back in to the economy class cabin on any flight in Australia, or to Bali, Fiji, Thailand, any south east Asian destination really. But something tells me from the bitter twisted comments on this site, most of you have never had the chance to travel up front and look back.

9 11 2011
Sven

Matty, just because you serve people in first class, doesn’t mean that you are of the same calibre. Besides, I know I’d prefer to spend my money on business class; its comfortable, tasteful and not rediculously expensive for only a 8/9 hour flight. Unless I am going to London, then the skybed and shower is a must.

10 11 2009
Lee

Wow matty those energy drinks really sound like they work for you, you sound like you’ve been up on the gas for a couple of days! (Gentle ribbing).
Go have a zanex and a lie down mate.

19 04 2011
Phil S

Xanax (Alprazolam), not Zanex, please! Anyway Benzos are not that effective – if you want a really “effective” knock-out product, there are plenty of atypical antipsychotics that work a treat (my favourite must be Olanzapine)

11 11 2009
Jodie

Or you could snort coke. It has about the same level of nutrition.

12 11 2009
Lee

But you do have to be ultra hip for that, the bogan prefers the tweak as it is cheap, nasty and easily found.

10 11 2009
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[...] #21 – Massive Cans Ever since energy drinks caught the bogan’s eye at about the turn of the century, the Coca-Cola company has [...] [...]

24 11 2009
Rar

Loved Lift Plus and more so Sprite Recharge!

25 11 2009
Kat

I don’t understand energy drinks unless you have to stay up for ages. I wonder if most people understand that guarana isn’t that great a thing to take day after day?

1 12 2009
Right and proud

I rate Mother as a drink. It’s a real kick. Sometimes when I’m at work and feeling tired I’ll get a can and be buzzing in no time!

8 12 2009
Simon

You sir are a bogan.

19 12 2009
Rosella

I thought the title of this post referred to boob jobs (“Massive Cans”), which incidentally is a bogan trait I believe.

9 01 2010
Dave d7b

“They slightly upped the obnoxiousness of the rhetoric, including phrases such as “our lame legal guys made us warn you”, which appeals to the bogan’s desire to break all the rules of the educated class”

i thought you were more intelligent when i began reading.

Your statement suggests bogans are not educated. I guess i have had the benefit of growing up on 4 continents and have realised that 99% of this country are trashy, classless bogans (including myself). You are in loser denial mate, education has nothing to do with how much of a bogan you are. If you went to uni (im guessing you think higher education breeds intelligence as well… ) you would have perhaps strolled through an engineering faculty at some stage. Millions of bogans and some of the highest educated and intelligent people in this country.

from somebody else (i.e some bogan so who gives a fuck):

“Aussies are so far behind.” – congratulations. isolated marketplace will generally have this effect.

God i hope this country ends up leaving the borders open so we are invaded and slaughtered by a culture who doesn’t have its head up its ass like ours does.

WE ARE TRASH, NOBODY CARES ABOUT AUSTRALIA, SO GO TO THE FUCKING BEACH AND SHUT UP ALREADY.

If you want modern devices and fashionable products go to the US or EU (or personally, i think you should hurl yourself into a speeding 911….its ‘classier’ that way.

You are either a bogan in denial or a touro – twat who can fuck off back to the ‘old country’. Either way, a total wanker.

Happily a white trash, bogan , ‘educated’ Australian male with world experience and no pathetic tattoos.

love,

Dave
‘Bogan Power – resourcefulness at its greatest since 1788′

Wow. Not sure how you reached your original conclusion there, on which the rest of your rant was predicated on. Whether educated or not (and many bogans are), the desire to not appear elitist and snobbish is a clear strain in bogan behaviour. Bogan is as bogan shops. – TBL

12 03 2010
RK

I went into 7/11 today and there is a current promotion going on: A can of Mother and a copy of ZOO magazine for $6

The perfect bogan combination…now we know what they are doing with all that energy.

Comment of the day! TBL

4 10 2010
Silverback

I just knew ‘massive cans’ would make the short list.
“Sharrup nd drink yer V Tameeka”- po faced, inebriated mother to peaking snot faced child in pram (with three oversized wheels and suspension rigging).

15 11 2010
Britt

and then there’s the “other massive cans”. AKA – fake boobs.

8 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I am very much in favour of the other kind of massive cans. Not so much these ones.

12 01 2011
Louie

Bogan sister in law has massive cans. Massive gunt (yes that’s a word) to prop them up too courtesy of too many massive cans to wash down packets of chips, kitkats and mcshitburgers.

12 01 2011
Fugue

Man, I was so upset when Mother came back and was actually successful this time around – mostly because their ad campaign was even more obnoxious and irritating than originally.

“We then set about tracking down those responsible for the original mother”

That was YOU you fucks!

14 02 2011
dirksnews

I find that most obnoxious commercials can be avoided through shunning all commercial media. They provide nothing of substance anyway..

5 10 2011
Dave

By the logic shown above it is somewhat surprising that ‘Cocaine’ energy drink didn’t last very long – just the name alone appeals to bogans because it sounds risky and extreme, and bogans secretly love class A drugs (bogan + cocaine = maxtreme bogan, bogan + dodgy pill = clubogan).

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