#259 – Necks

30 01 2014

The neck has spent years out on the bogan frontier. It was only after sweet tribal sleeves, some mad calf tatts, and some sick chest and back pieces of dragons that the bogan would start nominating its neck as  prime real estate for the newest visual representation of its soul. Similarly, it has been willing to have any number of its orifices (orifii?) violated in preference to turning up somewhere with a plum-coloured hickey bruise on its neck. Yes, the bogan’s neck has always been sacred, save for being used as an occasional hanging place for shark teeth and Tiffany logos. Even Pandora and Livestrong were unable to colonise the space from their stronghold on the bogan’s wrist.

But that was then. In 2014, the bogan has mutated once more. It is currently unable to open either a liquor bottle or a social media platform without contemplating its neck, and nominating it. Like a smug giraffe, the bogan will marvel at its own neck, and declare that none of its friends have a neck quite so splendid. Which is to say: bogan is filmed swiftly consuming alcoholic beverage, and then nominates someone to do likewise. Being the creature of excellence that it is, the boganic spiral towards disaster commences.

Neck being used to full potentialJust as the bogan giddily embraced planking in 2011, a fad that led to an unfortunate death from a 7th floor Brisbane balcony, so it will presumably be with neknominating. In the case of planking, the slower mobile data speeds and smaller data caps of three years ago meant that the bogan was generally limited to merely posting a photo of itself planking on Facebook. But the arrival of 4G has allowed the bogan’s creativity to flourish. It’s not simply about consuming the beverage, the twenty seconds of footage is also a thrilling platform for a talent/stupidity contest. Can the bogan think of something fucking idiotic to do before/during/after having a drink? Yes it can.

Careful scriptwriting is now required, with intense pre-video deliberations occurring to determine the more theatrical components of the video. New footage from the field reveals an audacious neknominate effort that involves hanging off the bottom off an airborne helicopter without a harness, and smashing down a delicious 375ml of Victoria Bitter. In another, a bogan nails its scrotum to a wooden board, then consumes its drink. No female bogan has yet had the balls to emulate that feat, but it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that one will choose to give a bit of lip in return. And the Mexican wave of boganity continues.

Just as Australia’s rampant prosperity creates ever more bogans, it also taketh them away. Darwin is not only a city where bogans ride crocodiles and make the NT News Australia’s finest newspaper, it is also an –ism that will spare no corner of the continent. The Abbott Government’s plan to water down the National Broadband Network stands out as a beacon of hope to save the bogan from itself. With excessive data speed comes an uncontrollable deluge of bogan exhibitionist daredevil idiocy, which has the capacity send the bogan the way of the Tasmanian devil. So, next time you see the bogan risking its nek, nominate Tony Abbott to strangle its interwebs for its own good.


Actions

Information

43 responses

30 01 2014
Vviv2

Slow them down?? Whatever happened to Darwin’s law? Let the bogan be free to remove themselves from the gene pool of life…..

30 01 2014
Shirley

HI VIV!

31 01 2014
Vviv2

Hey there Shirley!
How’s tricks?

1 02 2014
Shirley

Tricks are tricky. Some things never change.

30 01 2014
argy

I waited 6 months for that??
the dude in the photo isn’t jumping, and I can’t see a shark
wtf is the story??

30 01 2014
Shirley

OMG I literally learned what neknominating was today, and mused the boganicness of it, before tweeting my disdain.

30 01 2014
peterpixels

Bloody bogans.

30 01 2014
alyssakt

Hmmmm… Just flicked past Nein’s The Block and saw the ugliest neck tattoo I’ve ever seen on their favourite bogan.
I liked that the recently bogan elected Abbott got a mention for destroying the NBN, but to think he’s our only chance of winning this war against boganity is purely inconceivable!!

31 01 2014
Moo

In China, we know all about neknominating. Thanks to news.com.au we hope many die, but some learn. Regardless, there is big change here, and it has forged the Chogan. The chinese-bogan hybrid. Daddy owns a coal mine and the offspring are all dj’s. But for now, it’s Bogan 1. China 0.

31 01 2014
Moo

Oh yeah, btw, where the fuck have you been? On the 48 months interest-free Natutzi watching Nine? You heepocreetical plecks.

31 01 2014
Paul Azadian

@TBL:
Final para, “the capacity send”.

Otherwise, noice!

31 01 2014
moar caek

Where am I? It’s so dark in here…
Hello?
I don’t have any neck tatts. I wish tony abbott would go on a late night drinking binge in kings cross.

I mean, did you see Turnbull choking on his own self loathing on 7:30 last night?

How cool would it be if Turnbull king hit abbott and killed him?

…in the old members bar. I bet pyne would cry.

And we would still have shit intarwebs.

31 01 2014
moar caek

And also…
dear young people,
Your 21st Century social media pop culture is pissweak.
Please shut up and fuck off.

Oh wow! I might post a selfie of myself reading An Book (on a tablet of course) and see if I can coerce my cronies to do the same. That would be totes awsm.
Amirite?

31 01 2014
euridemercedesbenzadelaideracing

The kids aren’t alright huh Chubs!

31 01 2014
euridemercedesbenzadelaideracing

The kids are not alright huh Chubs!

3 03 2014
martin

Yeah it’s on the pretentious and annoying side moar. But as I age I prefer the peace and quiet of their plastic and gormless culture. I’m glad I’m not having to listen to dickwads pumping out doof in their cars, or twats like me trying to play instruments and doing burnouts. Although we had more talent and vitality, we were probably a lot more irritating to the oldies. :D

31 01 2014
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Hi dudes! I recently joined faceplant and got exposed to neks. I feel like a hot shower. This tattoo thing is really getting out of hand. I would have thought that when Beiber and One Direction got inked up the kids would realise how deeply uncool it is but seems not.

1 02 2014
Shirley

I knew you’d eventually join the dark side.

31 01 2014
Vviv2

Moar! Simon!
Long time no read…. Hope you’re both well & bogan free?

31 01 2014
euridemercedesbenzadelaideracing

Hey Viv2, I manage to keep my head above the swelling tide of boganity. Much shaking of head and muttering phuck me goes on though…

1 02 2014
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Het Viv2 and Shirl, I continue to keep my head above the swelling tide of boganity. I spend a lot of time shaking my head and muttering phucking me though.

1 02 2014
euridemercedesbenzadelaideracing

Still can’t type either….

1 02 2014
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Still can’t type…

3 03 2014
martin

Fuck you Simon.

The tatt thing works, I’ve seen 3-4 bogans lately(one with a calf tatt of the southern cross) with tatts all over them with very hot women(at least physically).

Hope youse are all good, and fuck you Ash if you’re lurking.

You lot seen this?

I’d be up for this neknominating thing. I’d love to see Simon try and skol a beer.

I must say I’m preferring Abbott to Labor, the more unemployed and or oppressed bogans the better and the sooner they’ll be put back in their rightful place.

5 03 2014
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Martin ya dumb carnt. Maybe physically beautiful but if they are walking around with Southern Cross bogans you can bet they are not girls you would want to spend any quality time with. I’m a good beer sculler.

Recently I have heard in the media both Julia and Peter Garrett being interviewed. Both spoke normally and presented rational points of view. Why the fark couldn’t they do that whilst in parliament. Instead they talked to us like a mob of 2 year olds. Annoying!

You’d be rapt U2 have a new single out Martin. Did you hear when Bono tours he has a truck follow him that has his bed in it and this is put in his hotel room each night. He could use that money to end world poverty again instead. Not as if he is staying in ordinary hotels is it? Spanker!

5 03 2014
martin

Eh, fuck U2. I haven’t cared about them since the 90s.

Yeah dunno, maybe Juliar could talk about misogyny again. She’s got a 2 million dollar house now around your way. Sucked in.

It’s the age of seeming. That’s one thing Bolt got right.

5 03 2014
martin

Eh, f#ck U2. I haven’t cared about them since the 90s.

Yeah dunno, maybe Juliar could talk about misogyny again. She’s got a 2 million dollar house now around your way. Sucked in.

It’s the age of seeming. That’s one thing Bolt got right.

5 03 2014
martin

Bono sounds a bit like those libtards on the ABC parroting libtard shit for $150k+ a year. Did you see how much they get paid?

I’m in the wrong game, I’d be a libtard and parrot contemporary left wing shit for $149k!

Nah I wouldn’t really.

6 03 2014
euridemercedesbenzadelaideracing

I’m pretty sure you would make the best Libtard of anyone I know Martin. You have made the study of them a life work?

6 03 2014
alyssakt

You give Martin top much credit, Simon – he doesn’t need to study Libtards to regurgitate the same brainless and tired rhetoric as they all do ;)

9 03 2014
martin

Both the Libs and libtards like shitting on the bogan, but at least the Libs make up a good story for them when they want their vote! Ie, refugees, clogging up the roads etc.

Being a bit of a media junkie it’s hard to avoid libtards, our unis produce them like model Ts, and their propaganda usually has a bit more truth to it rather than the infantile crap you get from the crony capitalists. :D

Seems you’d be pretty libtard free in Adelaide?

10 03 2014
Alyssa KT

Oh, I think I was confused – I presumed, with your Juliar and Bolt shit, that you were a retarded LNP supporter, Martin – a “Libtard”.
But I see that it’s more of an insulting term for liberal (with a small L) people.
I’d rather be a “Libtard” leftwing critical thinker who doesn’t accept Murdoch Media propaganda than a Liberal National Party supporting gullible, rightwing, racist, angry Teabagger. :D

10 03 2014
martin

You have a monopoly on critical thinking? Please.

Also I’m not racist. I’m quite happy for a lot of jobs traditionally done by bogans and libtards to be done more cheaply by immigrants. :)

10 03 2014
alyssakt

When you spout things like “Juliar”, yes, I believe I do.

10 03 2014
martin

Well she did lie. Now whether or not the carbon tax is a good thing is another story. But she also lied about being anti big Australia.

The problem with lefties is they think that just because they don’t parrot the right winged media that parroting the left wing media makes them not a parrot.

10 03 2014
alyssakt

Well that would simply mean that you fail to understand (and wish to remain wilfully ignorant about) what a Minority Government means (aided, no doubt, by the LNP and Murdoch Media misinforming you due to their own agenda, coupled with your failure to be a critical thinker who doesn’t blindly believe their crap):

“A minority government or a minority cabinet is a cabinet of a parliamentary system formed when a political party or coalition of parties does not have a majority of overall seats in the parliament but is sworn into government by the outside support of the other parties to break a Hung Parliament election result. In such a govt, the other parties simply vote as a support during the govt formation so as to meet the number required to get the majority.”
When Labor were forced to form a Minority Government with the Greens and Independents shit changed.

Obvious facts are obvious.

10 03 2014
alyssakt

“Yourselves”??
I’m not Labor.

10 03 2014
alyssakt

Meanwhile… the list of the “Abbott Government’s broken promises and everything his Government does to hurt Australians” is up to 115 points since September 2013…

http://sallymcmanus.net/abbotts-wreckage/

10 03 2014
martin

A lot of those things I consider good things.

61. Cuts $2.5 million from community radio

Cry me a river.

Anyway, Juliar still lied about being anti big Australia. Plus they did their fair share to hurt Australians. Ie foreign investors buying our real estate. Plus abuse of 457s. Labor is just another oligarchical party for a certain group of people, just like the Libs.

To consider yourselves free thinkers and the “people’s party” is a joke. You just want to manipulate society and the economy to benefit your voters and backers just like the Libs do.

Mafia 1 vs Mafia 2.

10 03 2014
alyssakt

“Yourselves”??
I’m not Labor.

28 02 2014
John

Of the 250+ plus articles on this site, maybe 10 actually have anything to do with bogans (new or old school), most are just hipster whining about anything mainstream or popular.

This article however, now makes it 11.

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

Nothing on this site seems to really be concerned with inventing and describing a category of behaviour described as ‘bogan’. It is just a place where people (including me!) act as poseurs and get their opinions across while pretending we have better/higher standards of taste or behaviour than others.

4 08 2014
alyssakt

Yes!
There is no cure for boganity. We can only whinge and hope.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 468 other followers

%d bloggers like this: