Things Bogans Like

In an odd juxtaposition, the bogan, while poorly informed on almost all matters, will still have an opinion on most things, and is actually a relatively voracious consumer of media. The media have long known the enticing power of the bogan buck, and once their websites gave them the power to monetise bogan clicks, and the ability to count those clicks, internet news trends were set in place forever. While news websites are thus invariably plastered with images of women in varying stages of undress, links to stupid stories about bogans and various other trollbait, there has been an increasing move to boganise the news. When an event happens, it cannot simply be reported; there must be an angle of bogan interest. This week, this directive collided with reality with the force of several poorly-timed Jagerbombs.

When UK-via-South Africa brewing giant SABMiller made a play to buy out Foster’s Group earlier this week, it was a lead story on almost all newspapers and websites. Bogan fear merchants Today Tonight led with the story that yet another Aussie Icon Was Being Taken Over By Big Foreign Business. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t a great deal of news. SABMiller had offered $4.90 per share for Fosters, which was politely refused, and which pushed the company’s value up 30c/share. Moreover, even if the sale went ahead, there really wasn’t a great deal to report. The Aussie beer industry is already a virtual duopoly between Foster’s and Lion Nathan (owned by Kirin). It would simply become a duopoly between Foster’s (owned by SABMiller) and Lion Nathan (owned by Kirin).

We at Boganomics saw this, and shed a single lonely tear for the hard-working folk at Fairfax, News Ltd and Channels 7, 9 and 10. Even the ABC. So, in our guise as Maxtreme Consultants, we’re here to help. Here is the story of the sale of Foster’s that the bogan wants to read. After all, why let the truth get in the way of a good yarn?

To read our article in full, head over to the Macrobusiness Superblog…

Henry Ford was born on the outskirts of Rockhampton in 1922. In 1925, he established Ford Australia, and subsequently travelled back in time to found the Ford Motor Company in the USA sometime prior. The upshot of all this, is that the bogan knows there is no car company more Australian than Ford, because Holden is owned by General Motors, and Ford is not.

Henry Ford was in his 90s by the time he downed tools and unveiled the Ford Falcon in 1960. The car induced rapturous tremors in the ancestral bogan population, with ancient bogans unanimously declaring that Australia was better at cars than anyone, anywhere, ever.

The introduction of the profoundly un-Australian Nissan Skyline R32 to the Bathurst 1000 race in 1990 was unremarkable, with the car suffering mechanical problems and losing to an SS Commodore. In the same way that the shell middens of indigenous Australians have gained significance despite being little more than a mound of food debris, Mount Panorama is believed to be comprised primarily of empty beer cans and pie wrappers, fused together by decades of bogan urine and saliva. Anyway, the Nissan Skyline dominated Bathurst in 1991 and 1992, which the bogan refused to accept, because Australian cars are the best in the world.

Continue reading this post at the Macrobusiness Superblog…

The bogan clings to its habits like a mollusc to a shipwreck’s hull. It will only holiday in places with familiar franchised retailers, it will only drink green beer on St Patrick’s Day, and it will trust only Richard Wilkins via satellite from Los Angeles. But sometimes the bogan grows tired of this predictability. It wonders if the highs and lows of life outside of its cocoon are worth experiencing. It craves xtreme emotion. At this point, the bogan will sometimes purchase a non-Jetstar international airfare, watch SBS News, or try something in wholemeal. Alarmed and confused by the ordeal, it concludes that it can have its desire for new horizons ably met in radio form by a myopic shock jock. Kyle Sandilands not only discovered the fickleness of bogan rage when he ran the rape lie detector skit on Sydney radio, but also the graciousness of bogan forgiveness.

The bipolar bogan was quick to pardon Sandilands, as its dwindling outrage was usurped by its growing need to be outraged again. Channel 7 soon restored Kyle to his rightful position of luring bogans onto talkback radio. The Melbournian bogan, for years denied the true Sydney-style talkback radio experience, now has Talk Radio 1377. On AM, no less – the original bastion of bogan-baiting hate-mongers – this network features the crème de la crème of bogan baiting hate-mongers. Here, among the company of Sammy Newman, Andrew Bolt and alcoholic ex-A Current Affair hatewright Chris Smith, the bogan can find rare refuge from the Political Correctness Gone Mad which is rampant throughout the latte-sipping media. The middle-aged and elderly bogans have been feeling as though they’ve been missing out, with the younger bogans enjoying their Ed Hardy clothes, Australian Idol and anal sex. There has for years been a simmering rage, laying dormant, and waiting to be activated by some old-fashioned mad hating skills.

Talk radio has the requisite skills to appeals directly to the bogan’s hate gland. Where A Current Affair can only hint that Asians are invading the country, Andrew Bolt can say that multiculturalism “rewards most those who integrate least”. Perhaps in good time, he will be able to fan the flames of a race riot, much as Alan Jones in Cronulla. To the bogan, calling into talkback radio for a pause-poor skewed rant is the beginning, middle, and end of “doing something”. From there, it is perfectly positioned to blame everything on the government.

Rightly, the bogan hates being told what to do, hates having its movements restricted, and hates feeling obliged to anyone. This is an important reason why it loves purchasing investment properties; so it can tell someone else what to do, restrict their movements, and have someone feel obliged to them.

This free-thinking, independent creature is informed by its convictions, exhaustive research and by Brent down the pub. These resources have led it to believe that the best way to stay in the pink of financial health is to invest in property. Various credible people and publications have told the bogan that the only safe bet in the world is houses, because, well, they are ‘safe as houses, mate’. This message is reinforced by Brent who reckons ‘God ain’t makin’ any more of it is he?’. What, asks our libertarian crusader? ‘Land, mate. Laaaaand.’

The bogan has heard these same anachronisms being belted out by many a non-ivory type and knows it to be true. God ain’t making any more it, he’s retired and making less, all the time. Convinced of the endless profits and jet skis to be made from the property market, it decides to re-mortgage its McMansion and its right kidney to purchase a 3-bedroom townhouse in a leafy suburb only 25 minutes from the heart of the CBD.

To continue reading, head over to the Macrobusiness Superblog…

Well, we’ve finally managed to be misquoted by The Australian, and sneered at by Tim Blair. Today marks a high point in the TBL experiment.  As befits the ‘Cut and Paste’ section of our august national broadsheet, several slices of last week’s Boganomics piece were assembled in lovely fashion for the general outrage porn of that paper’s readership. A response has been penned, and seeing as the piece went up at our Macrobusiness page, it’s only fitting that the response is posted there, too.