Regular readers of this blog would be excused for thinking that the bogan lacks a central nervous system, and is utterly incapable of remorse or forgiveness. While that assumption is fundamentally correct, there have been a few sightings of bogan compassion. One of the most intriguing among these is the bogan’s ability to forgive misbehaving celebrities.
The bogan wants desperately to be a celebrity with no particular skillset. The unfortunate truth in this is that 99.9% of them are not celebrities, nor are they, despite their lack of any particular talents, “celebrities waiting to be discovered”. In the meantime, many among this 99.9% will dedicate significant amounts of time and money to celebrities, ranging from buying magazines which gossip about celebrities, to watching shows which gossip about celebrities, to gossiping about celebrities with other bogans.
The bogan has convinced itself that the worth of a celebrity is entirely dependent on what they, the bogan think of them at any given time. As such, the bogan has developed detailed (if nonsensical) insights and monologues on dozens of celebrities that it can rattle off at a moment’s notice. From time to time, a celebrity does something that will meet with the fearsome wrath of the bogan. The offences can include cheating on a spouse, calling a linesman a ‘spastic’, lying down on a rowing boat, entering politics, subjecting children to polygraph tests, or wearing a bogan-reviled garment to a red carpet event.
For a period of weeks or months, this celebrity will have gushing torrents of bogan hate pouring down upon it. It will come in the form of spittle-soaked talkback radio rants, fact-orexic magazine exposés, and foodcourt conversations with the capacity to strip bystanders of their will to live. Fortunately for the maligned celebrity in question, there are three ways out.
Firstly, the bogan’s Lilliputian attention span means that the grave celeb crime is likely to be forgotten by the time its next movie or album comes out. Second, the celebrity may publicly apologise to the bogan. To all the bogans. Because that’s who the celebrity truly wronged, here. Not the cuckolded wife, not the estranged political movement, but the bogans.
Finally, in the wake of this apology, the bogan can prove to itself that it is a wonderful human being. By mentally extending the olive branch to Tiger Woods when he eventually walks up to a tee, the bogan will feel warm and compassionate. In this moment, the bogan is basically Tiger’s best mate, deeply connected to his soul. As Tiger collects the trophy at tournament’s end, the bogan can reflect on the roller coaster relationship they had with Tiger, and decide that it’s OK. That Tiger, despite his foibles, despite the pain he caused the bogan, is OK.