When the bogan first heard of schadenfreude, it was very happy. It thought it would finally have something to mix with Mother; Red Bull having already been allocated exclusively to Jägermeister. The bogan clapped excitedly; “A MILF bomb!” it screeched. Its excitement was short lived, as schadenfreude is actually only a concept, and the only concepts that truly intoxicate a bogan are political correctness gone mad, free speech and confusion.
Despite this initial setback, it turns out that the bogan still likes schadenfreude very much. While it will glass anyone that takes pleasure at any of its own gaffes, the bogan will use its phone to record anyone else’s public humiliation, and then broadcast it to Facebook as soon as possible.
While the bogan itself believes that it can never be blamed, it derives maxtreme enjoyment from viewing the misfortunes of other bogans. Other anyone, really. In particular, the bogan will embrace the failings of celebrities most passionately of all. The bogan has a curiously pathetic and symbiotic relationship with celebrities, parasitically feeding of their success to validate their stunted belief that one day people will give a shit what they do, yet, like any parasite, leaping off its host the moment things get hairy. Thus, Tiger Woods is now a tip rat, Paris Hilton a slut and Lindsay Lohan a junkie. However, the bogan, deep down, knows that this schadenfreude will not last; that it will forgive the celebrity and reattach its life-giving appendages to its trashmedia intravenous drip. Because it believes that it, too, is destined to face the rise to fame, fall into sex addiction, and rise to bogan forgiveness one day; hence its schadenfreude is brief.
That goes for people the bogan knows, like Tiger Woods. When it comes to anonymous Australians, however, the bogan’s capacity for mirth at other’s pain is limitless. While Australia’s Funniest Home Video Show has been on Australian TV screens for two decades, the bogan is yet to grow tired of unruly farm animals biting fat women, children headbutting each other on malfunctioning playground equipment, and over-confident dads coming to grief on quad bikes. All to the same four “boing” noises as they ever have. The patriotic bogan deems viewing this procession of canned laughs as “being able to laugh at itself”, and the show’s theme song (“Australia, Australia, this is you”) agrees.