#255 – Living Once

23 01 2013

The bogan understands the universe. From the big bang that started everything approximately 13.75 billion years ago, to The Big Bang Theory that started on Channel 9 on March 12, 2008, the bogan soars over space and time, like a golden, winged Jet Ski with the ability to transcend all of existence.

While we're at it, these Keep Calm posters can fuck right off tooContemplating its own constitutional right to eternity, the bogan intermittently sought refuge in the afterlife offered at its local megachurch. Returning to its McMansion, it would then ponder Buddhist reincarnation while focusing its eyes on the various pieces of Buddhist iconography that it had commandeered as domestic decoration. As the complexity of rebirth and multiple lives began to reveal itself to the bogan, it realised that it would need at least four of its child’s Ritalin tablets to complete this train of thought.

The bogan, it did not sleep that night. Pacing between its rumpus room, its family room, its lounge room, its formal living room, its theatre, its dining room, and its informal eating area, concepts flew like lonely comets in the vast expanses of inky black sky. Karma, immortality, birth, death, lifespans, heaven, purgatory, rebirth. The first light of dawn brought no more relief than the three massive cans it had gasped down since 4am. It would need to drive its car. Driving its car would bring freedom. The ability to speed away from its troubles.

But going 80km/h didn’t work. Paralysing thoughts of universe still present. 100km/h. A slight improvement in wellbeing. But the bogan did not aspire to a slight improvement in its wellbeing. It wanted maxtreme wellness. To be so well that it shat multivitamins. At that moment rays of sunlight scrambled over the Bunnings Warehouse on the horizon, and everything was illuminated in the bogan’s mind. All of these big ideas about reincarnation and eternal life could be completely scrapped. You Only Live Once.

“Fucken YOLO!!!”, the newly liberated bogan whooped, plunging its foot into the accelerator pedal. The subsequent 8 minutes between this moment and the flashing lights of the police car were pure existential bliss.

YOLO neatly distils boganity into a blunt, four letter weapon that the bogan can use to attack anything that has a passing resemblance to a good idea, and embrace anything that is profoundly idiotic. Angry Angus burger with 56.5 grams of fat? YOLO. Interest-free finance with an interest rate of 20%? YOLO. Saving a portion of its salary each month? Nah, YOLO. 150km/h therapeutic morning spin through the suburbs? YOLO. Back alley Thailand tetanus tattoo of YOLO in gothic font? Well… YOLO. The bogan only lives once, and is determined to make that once as brief as possible.

Temporarily deflated by its run-in with the local constabulary, the bogan rolled back to its McMansion at 5km/h below the speed limit. Still jittery from the heady mix of Ritalin, caffeine, guarana, adrenaline, and a $400 fine, it resolved to pull a sickie, and soothe itself by watching the hilarious adventures of Leonard, Sheldon, and the whole Big Bang Theory gang on its Blu-Ray 3D LED LCD HD HDMI USB 100HZ TV. There would be no more troublesome thinking that day.


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46 responses

23 01 2013
Shirley M.

I’ve been studying The Big Bang Theory lately. I’d expand on this, but no one will read it because YOLO.

24 01 2013
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Come on Shirley. I promise to read it.

From the ads I gather, the nerds do something uncool, the semi hot chick giggles. Is that it?

27 01 2013
jaguarpython

making fun of gay autists. I think literally gay and literally autistic. kind of sad, really, that they have to stoop to such a level as making fun of the disabled.

28 01 2013
martin

Who the hell watches that show? It’s on the premier bogan channel. Bogans like it? They’re too nerdy for me.

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

Nobody watches this show. The show even more nobodies watch is Two and a half men. in fact, they probably attract the same audience.

4 08 2014
alyssakt

Agreed.
Actually, anyone intellectual enough to understand what the geeks are saying, has no interest in the show. The fans have NFI

23 01 2013
marko of Manly

I am therefore I consume therefore I am

23 01 2013
ls

This blog has become horribly terrible.

Thanks! TBL

12 02 2013
James

It turned horrible a long time ago when it stopped actually being about anything even remotely to do with any real bogan (as the word would be commonly understood by 99% of Australians) and just become a rant of ‘things hipsters hate’ (ie, anything and everything popular), under the guise they they are all really just ‘new school bogans’.

Yes, everyone who doesn’t wear shit vintage clothes is a new age bogan.

13 02 2013
Matt

Ha hit a nerve did they?

13 02 2013
martin

Only addressing stereotypical bogans would be very bogan. Thinking you’re immune from boganity simply by aesthetics means you’re a bogan.

By your thinking Eddie Obeid would not be a bogan even though he’s the biggest one in the country at the moment. Horrendous.

23 01 2013
Fiona

LOL.

the classics.

LOL.

23 01 2013
Shirley

LOL. Impostor.

26 01 2013
Donkey

LOL. I have those in my library…

23 01 2013
urbanreverie

Guilty as charged. I was recently on holiday and changed my holiday plans (and lost a non-refundable Jetstar airfare … oops, another guilty as charged .. see #50) when a friend offered me a spare train ticket to the Sydney New Year’s Eve fireworks on a luxury heritage sleeper train he bought for someone else who couldn’t come. I actually said “YOLO” on Facebook at the time.

Great post, TBL. Good to see you boys in fine form.

23 01 2013
Werdna

I look both ways before crossing the road…YOLO…

24 01 2013
Alyssa KT

YODO

24 01 2013
Kat

This is the first time I’ve read a post and seen the bogan in a sympathetic light.

24 01 2013
martin

McMansions cost about the same as those pissy little terraces libtards love. You can sit in your $900k terraces and watch channel 2 in 40 degree heat with no air con to your hearts content, but f#ck your mass immigration.

if there’s a god I think most bogans will come back as poor people in 2nd and 3rd world countries as punishment. So by being pro mass immigration you’re actually pro bogan.

24 01 2013
urbanreverie

Congratulations Martin, you’ve just been nominated for the Non Sequitur of the Year. :P

24 01 2013
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

Going straight to the pool room?

It’s gonna look good next to his Grumpy Carnt Lifetime Achievement Award.

24 01 2013
martin

How do you know Urban? You haven’t been dead yet. Bogans may very well be sent to horrible countries. :D

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

What does ‘Channel 2″ mean. Is this coded or an in-reference??

4 08 2014
alyssakt

We used to (and still do) call the ABC, Channel 2.
How old might you be? :)

24 01 2013
Ash - In Yr McMansions, Glassin Yr Carnts

The use of YOLO to justify stupidity is one of the most crotchkickable offenses of our age.

27 01 2013
Oldgrumpyandproud

15 responses, 8 by the same old same old snooty crowd.
Looks like everyone’s over them, and it………

That’s fine, we’re internally motivated. TBL

28 01 2013
martin

What a little bogan victory for you. After 2-3 years of it I think we got our money’s worth. I don’t think we’re snooty, I think you just suck balls.

28 01 2013
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You’re doing good work TBL, thanks.

4 08 2014
alyssakt

Snooty?
And our disparaging comments of the generalised random bogue is worse than your condemnation of us? Cool. Gotcha

28 01 2013
unclestu88

More articles please

29 01 2013
Science Relief

The whole universe is full mystry and all this mystry wants our attention because they also wants to come up in front of us. and Science is the way through which we can find it and can revealed it for our world!!!!

30 01 2013
martin

Julia’s going hard on the libtard thing with the glasses. I bet she doesn’t even have bad eye sight. What a bogan.

31 01 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

And now she is going to subject us to 8 months of asshattery. F#ck you Julia.

31 01 2013
martin

I hope someone punches her in the glasses. They should give that Asian leso a go next time. That would be an interesting election. Abbott vs Asian leso woman.

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

I hope by Asian Leso you mean Penny Wong? Penny Wong will be Australia’s next Prime Minister and will lead for 4 terms. And I’m not selling out or developing my feminist side by saying this. She is the best, most decent person in Australian politics.

4 02 2013
Reetard

I’m fucken lovin this shit

7 02 2013
martin

So I think we can now say watching sport is 100% bogan. I will expect a post on this by TBL in the near future. :)

F#ck you Simon. :)

8 02 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Maybe, but participating is awesome, you get so many cool drugs!
How do you like them apples Martin ya farkin idiot?

9 02 2013
martin

Wtf does that mean carnt? Yeah participating is non bogan, unless it’s gayfl or rugby of both persuasions. Oh, it means I got owned. Fark. Apples are pretty bogan. So boring.

9 02 2013
martin

Actually I don’t think so, I think the only non bogan sports are cycling and handball.

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

Badminton is the best sport. Its neither bogan nor non-bogan. It’s pure!

10 02 2013
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Apparently 6 times more NRL teams take drugs than AFL. Makes sense, how else do you lose your kneck.

12 02 2013
martin

Must be why they get so horny they gotta go gang banging. I wonder if Ash does gang bangs with nrl players? He seems to be connected with some shady people.

12 02 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

May explain why they like to poo in corridors as well. Those drugs must f#ck your system up bad.

8 04 2013
Ash - Glassin' Carnts Cause I Can

I have not, at least not at this stage.

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

neck

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