#256 – Superfluous Ingredient Descriptors

19 03 2013

It is just plain wrong to categorise the bogan as a straightforward, simple creature. There is nothing simple about naming a child “Mhadeziyn”, attempting to perch atop a revolving system of four different interest-free finance facilities, and clutching seventeen different mutually exclusive conspiracy theories about foreigners, allergies, and corporate fat cats.

That’s right, the modern bogan is a seven-sided Rubik’s cube of mystery. Gone are the days where it would happily lunch upon a humble beef burger, a packet of salt and vinegar chips, and a can of Sunkist. This caused much hand-wringing in snackfood and fast food boardrooms around the nation. “Had the bogan become less ravenous?” one asked. No, the bogan had not become less ravenous. “Had the bogan become more tasteful?” another well-intentioned staffer enquired. No, the bogan had not become more tasteful.

A Contiki Tour in three 200 gram boxes.

A Contiki Tour in three 200 gram boxes.

The boardroom clocks ticked loudly, and a few board members shuffled their papers to distract from the fact that the meeting had ground to a complete halt. Others in the room awkwardly looked out the window, wishing for an urgent reason to be elsewhere. Out the window, down in the car park, a bogan was doing doughnuts in a fluorescent ute. Attached to the ute was a trailer, on the trailer was a Jet-Ski, and on the Jet-Ski was the bogan’s friend, riding with no hands. Seconds later, the Jet-Ski rodeo bogan was thrown off the Jet-Ski, landing in a puddle of its own elbow cartilage. Clearing his throat, a board member addressed the room. “The bogan has become much more deluded”. Yes.

Six weeks later, the snackfood company re-released its salt and vinegar chips. As “Rock Salt and Balsamic Vinegar”. Salt from exotic rocks. Vinegar from exotic… balsams. The bogan didn’t mind that the price was 50% higher. After all… rock salt! Sales soared. The constantly mutating vagaries of the bogan mind had once again been skewered by nonsensical branding. Soon, no bogan wanted a beef burger unless it was an Angus Beef Burger. And “blood orange” flavoured soft drink was seen as both more maxtreme and more prestigious than stupid old plain orange. It was thrillingly irrelevant whether there was any discernable difference in ingredients or taste. This is because the bogan wants to remain deeply within the comfort zone of its palate, whilst still projecting the illusion of fashion and progress.

The bogan craves these superfluous ingredient descriptors, and consuming something pointlessly, functionlessly overwrought adds additional layers of meaning to its existence. An Ed Hardy t-shirt for the mouth. If Arnott’s releases a gourmet version of Shapes called “Cracked pepper, Mediterranean feta, French onion, crispy chicken, flame grilled steak, roasted garlic and peppercorn” (all of these terms have appeared in Shapes names in recent years), the bogan’s biscuit-purchasing fervour could  only be heightened further if the product was also dubbed “limited edition”.

The bogan is a moron.


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68 responses

19 03 2013
Blueballs

ah, it was funny two years ago… TBL is just ticking along with the odd whimsical observation these days that sounded a little like the Hey Hey its Saturday schtick in 2010

19 03 2013
Blueballs

Which brings me to Stuff Expat Aid Workers Like… an even more shallow knock off because its composed by a bunch of aid workers, who despite being the biggest bunch of self-important wankers god ever shovelled guts into (and therefor a rich vain of internet mockery) doesn’t even go for the jugular or take the piss.

20 03 2013
Rlb

That would be vein…

8 10 2013
Jesse

I went overseas for a year and a half and stopped looking at the TBL website but now I’ve come back to the TBL website and am totally stumped. You guys have come full circle. Everything you previously tried to say about ‘bogans’ you’re now saying about the Average Australian (if there is such a thing) and/or the Australian consumer.

8 10 2013
Lisa M

Most Australians ARE bogans.

19 03 2013
franzy

Oh, I don’t know. “A puddle of its own elbow cartilage” is still quite a beautiful image.

However – yes. TBL has so comprehensively defined the bogan that suddenly, we are all, in our own ways, a little bit bogan. To paraphrase Syndrome: now that everyone is a bogan, no one is. Or wants to be.

19 03 2013
lisamurray9@hotmail.com,

Come on, it wasn’t that bad, Blueballs. I felt pleasantly smug while reading it, and that’s the most important thing.

19 03 2013
lollyexpert

I particularly liked the reference to the rodeo bogan landing ‘in a puddle of its own elbow cartilage.’ Perhaps they, like most of us, are so bored with an uninspiring traditional Australian diet (what is our national dish anyway?), lacking in culinary imagination, that they feel a need to identify with the exotic. Maybe they are just trying to keep up with mainstream society’s moving away from a 1950’s typical meat and three vegetables diet. Unfortunately I don’t hold out much hope in their abandoning the practice of consolidating the entire meal to resemble a tomato sauce quagmire.

19 03 2013
Vviv2

The advertising executives must be tearing out their follicles trying to think up ways to entrap the ‘new age’ bogan….

19 03 2013
Tez Miller

I tried those Flame Grilled Steak & Onion Shapes, and they were AWFUL! Even a junk food binge-eater like me has her limits. Had to throw them out. Hopefully the crows & magpies enjoyed them.

But if the bogan liked this flavour, the bogan is well and truly, indeed, a moron.

19 03 2013
James Hunter

I especially like the milk company that advertises “No Permeate” Milk has been separated into butterfat(cream),skim milk ,and non fat milk solids for over thirty years and after pasturising recombined in standardised ratios to give a milk consistant in texture and flavour the year round and from district to district. The differences caused by breed of cow , and flavour of feed are ironed out.
So it is just a beat up to try and diferentiate its brand of moo juice. .Bet the bogan would not like runny milk one week ,super creamy the next or milk flavoured by clover. Maybe the adult bogan is like some bogan kids who think milk comes from factories not from cows.?
Bhahahahahah. Be more relavant if they said does not contain Melamine ( sorry China)

19 03 2013
martin

Full cream or else you’re a f#cken pussy. You don’t even have to buy Dairy Farmers, as they are owned by the Japs.

The Japs can get f#cked. They are now on a bogan money printing thing. So much for their ingenuity and honour. Well, they are a significantly honourable, seeing as they want to take the pain rather than just plugging things up with immigrants and kicking the can down the road. So they are still less bogan than what we are.

19 03 2013
James Hunter

Martin,
Seems half the milk factories in Australia are owned by Parmlat the Italian company !

19 03 2013
martin

Seems like 80% of our mining companies are foreign owned too. If you don’t want to give the country away you’re a bogan and a racist!

Yep, even the Greens are aware of that.

http://www.google.com.au/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&ved=0CDEQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fgreens.org.au%2Fsites%2Fgreens.org.au%2Ffiles%2FForeign%2520Ownership%2520of%2520Australian%2520Mines.pdf&ei=jCJIUdcwiJGJB8PjgYgB&usg=AFQjCNHwwwnDoOEZwAyrLVGLhxzr4ClYZA&sig2=gUqb2Lp-pnramBBUlUrrBQ&bvm=bv.43828540,d.dGY

But it’s a shame they’ve become pro mass immigration. Libtards.

19 03 2013
martin

I’ve noticed this with the foodie thing. Almost every dish has garlic in it. All these foodies think they’re king shit when it’s just garlic that is what is primarily differentiating the old meat and veg from all these fancy dishes. How bogan is the world where all you’ve got to do is sit down at a restaurant and that somehow nullifies your boganness?

Most foodies are wannabe libtards, but still vote Liberal and have investment properties.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Hey Martin, how much longer has your mate Julia got before she emerges from the party room, in tears, with a rather large knife lodged in her eyeball?

20 03 2013
martin

She lied about being anti big Australia! No mate of mine. :D

Ha ha, I hope she does cry. I hated Rudd but I think he’s entitled to some massive schadenfraude.

Shame the Libs will screw the NBN though. I’m entitled to it.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

We would hate your libtard themed porn to be slow downloading I suppose. Are you excited for the final episode of The Block Martin?

20 03 2013
martin

Well if I ever have kids they’ll want to watch some porn at the same time when they get to a certain age.

I know some people that drove to Bondi which would have taken them about an hour, maybe more, then lined up for 2 hours or so just to look at The Block.

I keep on thinking there might be some hope in the world, but there clearly isn’t.

I don’t watch The Block, watching that makes you an a grade bogan. More than watching NRL does. Do you watch it Simon?

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

No dude, I stick to my sport and some series on Foxtel. Justified is my current favourite. Just the ad for The block makes me angry, no way I could sit through hours of those bogans crying and whining, or is that biggest loser, or the voice, it’s all the same really.

Your NRL guys are f#cked, the police is going to get them for being ‘roided up metheads.

20 03 2013
martin

Sucked in to them. Like you can talk, what about cycling? Isn’t that infested with drugs? Or was that just Lance? At least cycling isn’t bogan.

AFL guys are just more elongated meatheads.

There’s some AFL movie coming out, I saw it on the movie show, looks bogan as hell. You’d love it.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

I probably would. AFL is cool.

Saw this quote about Lance.
“I think it is terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance, especially after what he has achieved in winning 7 Tour De France’s whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs I couldn’t even find my bike”

Funny stuff.

20 03 2013
Vviv2viv2

There’s a new drug of choice for the sportsman now gentlemen….Specializes in getting the heart rate PUMPING!
The bogan’s are loving it by all accounts…..

http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/molly.asp

20 03 2013
Vviv2

The bogan’s have a new drug of choice for their sports now gentlemen. By all accounts it gets the heart racing……

http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/molly.asp

20 03 2013
Pandabater

If The Bogan does not have enough Equity Mate to afford a “Black” Mercedes or a “Black” HSV he can console himself with one (or 2) of these;

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

I’m not eating it unless it is Platinum and Angry, black is so yesterday.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Whack a couple of those bad boys down and your daily calorie needs are fulfilled!

20 03 2013
martin

Instead of taxing junk food, we should subsidise it for bogans, so they die quicker.

We just need to do a bogan census, 10-20 questions should weed out the bogans from the non bogans. Then just send the bogans kfc vouchers. Then the rest of us could buy shares in kfc and make a killing. Or pepsico which I believe is the parent company.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

That should be easy, here is a start to the questions
1) Bali or Europe
2) NRL or AFL
3) U2 or The Pixies
4) Transformers or Lawrence of Arabia
5) Parmy or Tea smoked Duck

20 03 2013
martin

1. Neither. America.

2. Neither. Fail. You’re a bogan.

3. U2.

4. Neither.

The question should be Zulu or Amelie. That would catch the bogans who think they’re libtards.

5. Parmy.

20 03 2013
James Hunter

Martin and Simon,
I think your both screwed !
The real answeres are
1:north west Australia
2; Womens Basketball
3;Casey Chambers or Cher
4;Pride and Predudice
5 Rost of lamb leg stuffed with bacon,kidneys and nutmeg glazed with marmalade and mustard.

20 03 2013
martin

Casey Chambers sounds like a waling cat. I’ll say Cher as the non bogan answer. She did the campy thing with a certain dignity, and she was way more rootable.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

JH got you with the subtlety of the question there Martin. Both are totally bogan.

20 03 2013
martin

Nup. I think she’s ironic.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

That’sjust the Hipster in you trying to get out Martin. Cher has always sucked.

20 03 2013
Vviv2

Agreed Simon! Mind you she does looks awesome whilst she does it…..

1 04 2013
I CLAVDIVS

You’re

8 10 2013
Jesse

Nope, a better survey would be

Europe&Asia or Africa&America
Spectator sport or participatory sport
Downloaded/recorded music or live music
Movies or Television
Restaurant food or home cooked

20 03 2013
martin

1. 4WD or Commodore. – that would catch the yogans and maxxtreme bogans because they would both answer 4WD.

2. Fairfax, ABC, or News Ltd, None of the above. Anyone who answers the first 3 is a bogan.

3. NBN or no NBN.

4. Some cricket question, anybody who gets it right likes cricket and is a bogan.

5. What is quantitive easing?

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

5) No such thing.

Do I pass?

20 03 2013
martin

It’s money printing, it’s what’s keeping the world’s economy going, it’s why our dollar is so strong against the US dollar. It’s very bogan.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

I thought it was a trick question but turns out you just can’t spell. F#ck you Martin.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantitative_easing

20 03 2013
martin

Not changing the english language to incorporate more phonetically palatable spellings is bogan.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

JH – Better give Martin a pull at your Bottle of Metho, I think he needs it.

1 04 2013
I CLAVDIVS

You know, Martin, I once went to a Combichrist gig here in Sydney where there was this guy wearing a plastic S.W.A.T hat, obviously acquired from a show bag. He’d obviously stumbled across the gig entirely by accident or chanced across a YouTube clip of “This Shit Will Fuck You Up” whilst searching cool party drugs but the hat left the impression he had no clue what he was there to see or why, he just knew he had to keep pretending so the shame of his reality wasn’t on display. You are that guy and his plastic S.W.A.T hat is your boganism.

7 04 2013
martin

I would love to go to a CombiChrist gig with a cheap SWAT hat on.

Combichrist, I assume that’s industrial metal, a temporary refuge for bogans to pretend they’re not bogans until they get into the real world.

I want to fuck you like an animal! How profound and enlightening. Is there any other messages to be gained from that sort of music?

Libtard.

7 04 2013
martin

I would love to go to a CombiChrist gig with a cheap SWAT hat on.

Combichrist, I assume that’s industrial metal, a temporary refuge for bogans to pretend they’re not bogans until they get into the real world.

I want to f#ck you like an animal! How profound and enlightening. Is there any other messages to be gained from that sort of music?

Libtard.

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Good call on the movies, here’s a tricky one
Magazines – Wheels or Top Gear?

20 03 2013
martin

Wheels?

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Correct!

20 03 2013
James Hunter

NRMA Magazine !

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Oh James Hunter, ease up on the Metho Pops.

20 03 2013
James Hunter

Simon ,
It is the Coke used as a mixer that does the damage. Metho just “Lights My Fire”

20 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

I thought you were a pro JH, only beginners would mix Metho with Coke.
*Simon uses and recommends Diggers brand Metho since 1995*

20 03 2013
Vviv2

Coke is an acceptable mixer for the first couple of drinks….Just to get the metho into your system quicker.
For myself, I prefer it in shots….. ^_^

22 03 2013
martin

#TBL 302030304550403022304050605 – Giving a f#ck about the Labor leadership thing.

Juliar hasn’t been much more left wing than Thatcher. Everything is almost exactly the same as the Howard years. I think everyone hates her because she’s got a pointy face and a big nose and because she says economee.

Aside from the small party I support I want Penny Wong as PM, so we can laugh about our PM being a leso. In fact I reckon that’s Labor’s best bet. She speaks very well.

22 03 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Jesus, she’s harder to get rid of than Herpes.

I’m not sure The Liberals count as a small party Martin, but after the next election Labor will.

25 03 2013
martin

I declare that Q&A has gone from merely annoying and inane to seriously bogan.

I hate those f#cking little gen y shit head bogans who think they’re libtards.

I demand a TBL post on Q&A.

30 03 2013
R.H.

Dumb cunt.

Try living.

8 04 2013
martin

Abuse with no context I can use to get any sort of comeback.

Bogan. Go and root your fat wife after shouting at Jayden or whatever your kid’s name is.

3 04 2013
Ryan.

Speaking of Bogans…Yesterday, I received a profanity laced email from an editor at theantibogan. To put this email in context I’ll provide some back ground details.

I had posted on theantibogan that I thought it inappropriate to contact the employers of those who had made racist remarks on line. I had also pointed out that in many cases, theantibogan had published misleading accusations against their ‘victims’. I also wrote that their approach was vexingly immature. In response, many posters and an administrator of the site accused me of: being a closet racist, a homophobe, a supporter of violence against women, and a liar as well as being professionally negligent! Naturally, I was aghast.

What was most inappropriate was that an administrator at theantibogan publicised my email address (which contains my full name) and location. Thus, I had been falsely named on a public website as a person who held these repugnant views.

After several emails which included a promise of legal action from me, the antibogan correctly removed my details and deleted the offensive comments that had been directed towards me. I also received an apology for posting my name and details. What I did not receive was a retraction regarding the imputations that impugned me personally.

Part on an email I received from theantibogan stated:

“Your request (for a retraction) did not come with specific guidelines as to how bold or large the font should be, whether or not it should belong to its own post, highlighted on the homepage surrounded by quirky gif animations or anything of the like.”

I replied to them that this response was both trite and adolescent. The next email that I received from theantibogan is given in full:

“Says the fuckwit who can’t let it go. Piss off, douchetard.

Ed”

Charming. These people are apparently grownups.

4 04 2013
lisamurray9@hotmail.com,

Tsk! The Antibogan really shoots itself in the foot with this kind of knee-jerk bullying behaviour.

7 04 2013
martin

I agree Big Brother is bogan.

8 04 2013
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

#696969 – Petro powered leaf blowers

Buy a farkin broom and stop destroying my weekends with hours of your sh#t.

4 06 2013
James

I thought this was a funny entry, but I doubt it has anything to do with attracting the bogan audience. If anything, it’s an attempt to try and get the black turtleneck audience to buy more chips. In fact, if anything, I’d say it’s targeted right at the creators of this site!

15 05 2014
max

I agree the bogan loves Superfluous ingredient descriptors, ask a bogan if he or she is aware that their favourite brand of chips contain palm oil grown in an ecologically devastated Borneo or Malaysia and that the consumption of those products is helping to drive the Orangutan to extinction and the response will be something like ” F#*k off ya greeny c*#t i couldn’t give a f*#k now piss of before i smash your f*#*$n head in!!!

27 05 2014
Gary

I’m not sure that those area’s would be more hospitable to Orangutan’s if they grew Canola instead of Palm oil. You are a bogan for not thinking the bigger issue is the removal of natural habitats for any type of farming.

27 05 2014
Gary

Its normally Sea Salt rather than rock salt, That’s because the plain old Cheetham salt that’s available cheap in Australia is “sea salt”. But restaurant menu’s are worse.
Menu’s read, ” a tender pattie of minced beef, containing coriander and other herbs, gently pressed together and flame grilled over a gas flame, served with the shoestring potatoes” I want a burger and chips not the friggin recipe.
( and its not just bogan restaurants that do it ).

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