#233 – Schadenfreude

28 06 2011

When the bogan first heard of schadenfreude, it was very happy. It thought it would finally have something to mix with Mother; Red Bull having already been allocated exclusively to Jägermeister. The bogan clapped excitedly; “A MILF bomb!” it screeched. Its excitement was short lived, as schadenfreude is actually only a concept, and the only concepts that truly intoxicate a bogan are political correctness gone mad, free speech and confusion.

Despite this initial setback, it turns out that the bogan still likes schadenfreude very much. While it will glass anyone that takes pleasure at any of its own gaffes, the bogan will use its phone to record anyone else’s public humiliation, and then broadcast it to Facebook as soon as possible.

While the bogan itself believes that it can never be blamed, it derives maxtreme enjoyment from viewing the misfortunes of other bogans. Other anyone, really. In particular, the bogan will embrace the failings of celebrities most passionately of all. The bogan has a curiously pathetic and symbiotic relationship with celebrities, parasitically feeding of their success to validate their stunted belief that one day people will give a shit what they do, yet, like any parasite, leaping off its host the moment things get hairy. Thus, Tiger Woods is now a tip rat, Paris Hilton a slut and Lindsay Lohan a junkie. However, the bogan, deep down, knows that this schadenfreude will not last; that it will forgive the celebrity and reattach its life-giving appendages to its trashmedia intravenous drip. Because it believes that it, too, is destined to face the rise to fame, fall into sex addiction, and rise to bogan forgiveness one day; hence its schadenfreude is brief.

That goes for people the bogan knows, like Tiger Woods. When it comes to anonymous Australians, however, the bogan’s capacity for mirth at other’s pain is limitless. While Australia’s Funniest Home Video Show has been on Australian TV screens for two decades, the bogan is yet to grow tired of unruly farm animals biting fat women, children headbutting each other on malfunctioning playground equipment, and over-confident dads coming to grief on quad bikes. All to the same four “boing” noises as they ever have. The patriotic bogan deems viewing this procession of canned laughs as “being able to laugh at itself”, and the show’s theme song (“Australia, Australia, this is you”) agrees.

Friday Boganomics – The Sensational Foster’s Buyout!

24 06 2011

In an odd juxtaposition, the bogan, while poorly informed on almost all matters, will still have an opinion on most things, and is actually a relatively voracious consumer of media. The media have long known the enticing power of the bogan buck, and once their websites gave them the power to monetise bogan clicks, and the ability to count those clicks, internet news trends were set in place forever. While news websites are thus invariably plastered with images of women in varying stages of undress, links to stupid stories about bogans and various other trollbait, there has been an increasing move to boganise the news. When an event happens, it cannot simply be reported; there must be an angle of bogan interest. This week, this directive collided with reality with the force of several poorly-timed Jagerbombs.

When UK-via-South Africa brewing giant SABMiller made a play to buy out Foster’s Group earlier this week, it was a lead story on almost all newspapers and websites. Bogan fear merchants Today Tonight led with the story that yet another Aussie Icon Was Being Taken Over By Big Foreign Business. Unfortunately, there really wasn’t a great deal of news. SABMiller had offered $4.90 per share for Fosters, which was politely refused, and which pushed the company’s value up 30c/share. Moreover, even if the sale went ahead, there really wasn’t a great deal to report. The Aussie beer industry is already a virtual duopoly between Foster’s and Lion Nathan (owned by Kirin). It would simply become a duopoly between Foster’s (owned by SABMiller) and Lion Nathan (owned by Kirin).

We at Boganomics saw this, and shed a single lonely tear for the hard-working folk at Fairfax, News Ltd and Channels 7, 9 and 10. Even the ABC. So, in our guise as Maxtreme Consultants, we’re here to help. Here is the story of the sale of Foster’s that the bogan wants to read. After all, why let the truth get in the way of a good yarn?

To read our article in full, head over to the Macrobusiness Superblog

#232 – Bundaberg Rum

20 06 2011

You will often hear the bogan speaking of the “Aussie spirit”, a term the bogan uses to fence in the broad traits of Australians that are also shared by countless other peoples around the world. If a bogan’s car runs out of petrol 3km from the nearest petrol station, it is the Aussie spirit that propels the bogan’s feet up the long and lonesome suburban road, when people of any other nationality would have surely perished somewhere between the McDonald’s and the Woolworths along the way. But to get to the true heart of the Aussie spirit, we must look elsewhere.

First made in central Queensland in 1888, Bundaberg Rum is the only domestically produced spirit recognised by the bogan. The bogan’s grandfather’s sexual and pugilistic conquests were fuelled by Bundaberg’s eponymous liquor, as were the bogan’s father’s, and now it is the turn of the modern bogan to do much the same. The mix of sugar cane and sugar allows the bogan to energise and intoxicate itself to maxtreme heights. Indeed, the world is so much better to the bogan when it has a belly full of Bundy, that the bogan will fight against anything that isn’t Bundy. These things include, but are not limited to, street signs, bouncers, windows, modesty, logic, and other people who are also drinking Bundy. Moreover, when the makers of Bundy Rum realised the energy requirements of its drinkers, they began manufacturing their own cola to add to their own rum, in a specially formulated bogan-fuelling concoction that is universally known as bundy and coke. The bogan cannot conceive of a situation where it would now drink bundy without the added energy of bundy coke.

In addition to sponsoring bogan-approved things as the Wallabies, the Waratahs (aka the ‘Tahs for all those north of the Murray) and of course a five-year deal to be the ‘Official Spirit of the NRL’, the Bundaberg Distilling Company uses a digitally animated, human-sized polar bear to induce the bogan to drunk rum. The Bundy Bear is depicted as being on-site at all crucial moments of the bogan’s life, providing advice or assistance to enable the bogan to be acutely bogan. These crucial moments include buying rum, and observing other bogans attempting to get laid. As the first polar bear to have spent sufficient time around bogans to acquire a drawling Australian accent, the bear has been informally elevated by bogans to national emblem status, frequently adorning boganic residences and/or vehicles.

But there’s more, because Bundaberg Distilling Company really understands the bogan. Ten times in the past 15 years, the bogan has been presented with a golden opportunity. No, it’s not the chance to get 483 months interest-free from Harvey Norman, it’s even better. Yep, as most recently happened in December 2010, “Bundaberg Black” rum was offered in LIMITED EDITION 10 year old vintage. With only 12,000 bottles available, a boganic panic reverberated around the nation. Not even the $150 price tag was enough to deter bogans from swooping – bogans began queuing at the distillery door at lunchtime on Saturday for the Monday launch – rivalling even the most dismal George Lucas and Steve Jobs tragics.

Fresh from this success, Bundaberg plans to take things even further, to even more maxesque bogan heights. Super limited edition, super premium Queensland rum is in the pipeline, which will require thousands of the bogan’s dollars. Even bogan families need heirlooms.

Friday Boganomics – A Ford Ability Crisis

17 06 2011

Henry Ford was born on the outskirts of Rockhampton in 1922. In 1925, he established Ford Australia, and subsequently travelled back in time to found the Ford Motor Company in the USA sometime prior. The upshot of all this, is that the bogan knows there is no car company more Australian than Ford, because Holden is owned by General Motors, and Ford is not.

Henry Ford was in his 90s by the time he downed tools and unveiled the Ford Falcon in 1960. The car induced rapturous tremors in the ancestral bogan population, with ancient bogans unanimously declaring that Australia was better at cars than anyone, anywhere, ever.

The introduction of the profoundly un-Australian Nissan Skyline R32 to the Bathurst 1000 race in 1990 was unremarkable, with the car suffering mechanical problems and losing to an SS Commodore. In the same way that the shell middens of indigenous Australians have gained significance despite being little more than a mound of food debris, Mount Panorama is believed to be comprised primarily of empty beer cans and pie wrappers, fused together by decades of bogan urine and saliva. Anyway, the Nissan Skyline dominated Bathurst in 1991 and 1992, which the bogan refused to accept, because Australian cars are the best in the world.

Continue reading this post at the Macrobusiness Superblog…

#231 – Shock Jocks

14 06 2011

The bogan clings to its habits like a mollusc to a shipwreck’s hull. It will only holiday in places with familiar franchised retailers, it will only drink green beer on St Patrick’s Day, and it will trust only Richard Wilkins via satellite from Los Angeles. But sometimes the bogan grows tired of this predictability. It wonders if the highs and lows of life outside of its cocoon are worth experiencing. It craves xtreme emotion. At this point, the bogan will sometimes purchase a non-Jetstar international airfare, watch SBS News, or try something in wholemeal. Alarmed and confused by the ordeal, it concludes that it can have its desire for new horizons ably met in radio form by a myopic shock jock. Kyle Sandilands not only discovered the fickleness of bogan rage when he ran the rape lie detector skit on Sydney radio, but also the graciousness of bogan forgiveness.

The bipolar bogan was quick to pardon Sandilands, as its dwindling outrage was usurped by its growing need to be outraged again. Channel 7 soon restored Kyle to his rightful position of luring bogans onto talkback radio. The Melbournian bogan, for years denied the true Sydney-style talkback radio experience, now has Talk Radio 1377. On AM, no less – the original bastion of bogan-baiting hate-mongers – this network features the crème de la crème of bogan baiting hate-mongers. Here, among the company of Sammy Newman, Andrew Bolt and alcoholic ex-A Current Affair hatewright Chris Smith, the bogan can find rare refuge from the Political Correctness Gone Mad which is rampant throughout the latte-sipping media. The middle-aged and elderly bogans have been feeling as though they’ve been missing out, with the younger bogans enjoying their Ed Hardy clothes, Australian Idol and anal sex. There has for years been a simmering rage, laying dormant, and waiting to be activated by some old-fashioned mad hating skills.

Talk radio has the requisite skills to appeals directly to the bogan’s hate gland. Where A Current Affair can only hint that Asians are invading the country, Andrew Bolt can say that multiculturalism “rewards most those who integrate least”. Perhaps in good time, he will be able to fan the flames of a race riot, much as Alan Jones in Cronulla. To the bogan, calling into talkback radio for a pause-poor skewed rant is the beginning, middle, and end of “doing something”. From there, it is perfectly positioned to blame everything on the government.

Friday Boganomics: We Learned a New Term

10 06 2011

Rightly, the bogan hates being told what to do, hates having its movements restricted, and hates feeling obliged to anyone. This is an important reason why it loves purchasing investment properties; so it can tell someone else what to do, restrict their movements, and have someone feel obliged to them.

This free-thinking, independent creature is informed by its convictions, exhaustive research and by Brent down the pub. These resources have led it to believe that the best way to stay in the pink of financial health is to invest in property. Various credible people and publications have told the bogan that the only safe bet in the world is houses, because, well, they are ‘safe as houses, mate’. This message is reinforced by Brent who reckons ‘God ain’t makin’ any more of it is he?’. What, asks our libertarian crusader? ‘Land, mate. Laaaaand.’

The bogan has heard these same anachronisms being belted out by many a non-ivory type and knows it to be true. God ain’t making any more it, he’s retired and making less, all the time. Convinced of the endless profits and jet skis to be made from the property market, it decides to re-mortgage its McMansion and its right kidney to purchase a 3-bedroom townhouse in a leafy suburb only 25 minutes from the heart of the CBD.

To continue reading, head over to the Macrobusiness Superblog

Things Bogans Like: Culture Warriors

7 06 2011

Well, we’ve finally managed to be misquoted by The Australian, and sneered at by Tim Blair. Today marks a high point in the TBL experiment.  As befits the ‘Cut and Paste’ section of our august national broadsheet, several slices of last week’s Boganomics piece were assembled in lovely fashion for the general outrage porn of that paper’s readership. A response has been penned, and seeing as the piece went up at our Macrobusiness page, it’s only fitting that the response is posted there, too.


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