You will often hear the bogan speaking of the “Aussie spirit”, a term the bogan uses to fence in the broad traits of Australians that are also shared by countless other peoples around the world. If a bogan’s car runs out of petrol 3km from the nearest petrol station, it is the Aussie spirit that propels the bogan’s feet up the long and lonesome suburban road, when people of any other nationality would have surely perished somewhere between the McDonald’s and the Woolworths along the way. But to get to the true heart of the Aussie spirit, we must look elsewhere.
First made in central Queensland in 1888, Bundaberg Rum is the only domestically produced spirit recognised by the bogan. The bogan’s grandfather’s sexual and pugilistic conquests were fuelled by Bundaberg’s eponymous liquor, as were the bogan’s father’s, and now it is the turn of the modern bogan to do much the same. The mix of sugar cane and sugar allows the bogan to energise and intoxicate itself to maxtreme heights. Indeed, the world is so much better to the bogan when it has a belly full of Bundy, that the bogan will fight against anything that isn’t Bundy. These things include, but are not limited to, street signs, bouncers, windows, modesty, logic, and other people who are also drinking Bundy. Moreover, when the makers of Bundy Rum realised the energy requirements of its drinkers, they began manufacturing their own cola to add to their own rum, in a specially formulated bogan-fuelling concoction that is universally known as bundy and coke. The bogan cannot conceive of a situation where it would now drink bundy without the added energy of bundy coke.
In addition to sponsoring bogan-approved things as the Wallabies, the Waratahs (aka the ‘Tahs for all those north of the Murray) and of course a five-year deal to be the ‘Official Spirit of the NRL’, the Bundaberg Distilling Company uses a digitally animated, human-sized polar bear to induce the bogan to drunk rum. The Bundy Bear is depicted as being on-site at all crucial moments of the bogan’s life, providing advice or assistance to enable the bogan to be acutely bogan. These crucial moments include buying rum, and observing other bogans attempting to get laid. As the first polar bear to have spent sufficient time around bogans to acquire a drawling Australian accent, the bear has been informally elevated by bogans to national emblem status, frequently adorning boganic residences and/or vehicles.
But there’s more, because Bundaberg Distilling Company really understands the bogan. Ten times in the past 15 years, the bogan has been presented with a golden opportunity. No, it’s not the chance to get 483 months interest-free from Harvey Norman, it’s even better. Yep, as most recently happened in December 2010, “Bundaberg Black” rum was offered in LIMITED EDITION 10 year old vintage. With only 12,000 bottles available, a boganic panic reverberated around the nation. Not even the $150 price tag was enough to deter bogans from swooping – bogans began queuing at the distillery door at lunchtime on Saturday for the Monday launch – rivalling even the most dismal George Lucas and Steve Jobs tragics.
Fresh from this success, Bundaberg plans to take things even further, to even more maxesque bogan heights. Super limited edition, super premium Queensland rum is in the pipeline, which will require thousands of the bogan’s dollars. Even bogan families need heirlooms.