Alecia Moore first entered the Australian consciousness a decade ago, with an R&B by-numbers single called “There you go”, in whose video she rode around on a motorbike and gave bad girl attitude to an X-boyfriend. The bogan liked this, and propelled it to #2 on the Australian singles charts. It was just the beginning. Since then, Pink has had an additional TWELVE solo singles chart in the Australian top 7, but only three in her native USA. So what’s she been doing that gets the antipodean bogan so damn enthused? Shitloads.
Pink met her husband (a motocross racer) at the 2001 X Games, and has since acquired the ability to ride motorbikes. She used this skill to woo prime bogan love-object Rove McManus, allowing a national TV audience to witness her teaching Rove how to be x-treme. Rove reciprocated by fawning shamelessly, and exhorting his audience to supply Pink with their bogan bucks. You see, Pink speaks the bogans’ language. She rebelled against conventional literacy and social norms by titling her second album “M!sundaztood”, and regularly spells her stage name “P!nk”. The bogan appreciates the gesture, as it considers itself m!sundaztood also, LMAO.
Primarily, Pink’s marketing strategists targeted teenaged female bogans, with a defiant message of how unique and uncontrollable she is. The teenaged female bogan empathises with this message, and is controlled by the marketers into buying yet another concert ticket, and buying yet another album to be unique, just like the other individuals in Pink’s target demographic who have sent the thing 10x platinum. P!nk (lol) undertakes stadium tours of Australia every seven minutes, allowing the fans to always have something new to purchase. This is always accompanied by another spruiking visit to her favourite little buddy on Channel 10. Then, as the adult femme-bogan wants nothing more than to be a teenage femme-bogan again, they embraced P!ink with a similarly slavish enthusiasm, waxing lyrical over how ‘cool’ and ‘empowering’ she is, effectively demonstrating how tenuous their grasp of those words was.
In the same way that the bogan trusts Pink with its money, it also trusts her as a source of both domestic and foreign political knowledge. The bogan’s knowledge of international relations was augmented by her track “Dear Mr. President”, which commandeered populist anti-Bush sentiments. She also (on behalf of PETA) lectured the Australian wool industry on the practice of mulesing. She later admitted that her position was “bullshit”, saying “”I probably could have done a lot more (research)”. The bogan forgave her public misinformation campaign, because she was “so real”.
Five albums in, she toured Australia again in 2009, selling over 650,000 tickets, mainly to bogans. Her ability to fleece the bogan had become unsurpassed – topping John Farnham’s Whispering Jack tour for the most Australian shows in a tour, including a record 17 shows at Melbourne’s Rod Laver Arena. What could possibly be left for greedy Alecia’s bogan cash vacuum? Her management pondered this, and eventually found the answer. She has recently signed a three year contract to be the face of V8 Supercars (the trans-generational bogan institution), including a special effects-laden TV commercial. A commercial that features her baring her midriff, chomping down on an entirely non-phallic sausage, falling into the arms of a big, strong V8-man, readjusting her breasts and a midget. The very embodiment of female bogan empowerment. That’s right, not content to surpass Farnsey in ticket sales, she’s decided to go after his rusted-on baby boomer audience, and cannibalise him completely. He’ll be tickled pink.