#262 – Padlocks

28 10 2014

Adrift in an endless galactic sea, the bogan can sometimes feel so small. Not even bicep curls and a gigantic house can lend the bogan a sufficient sense of scale. Then there’s the minor problem of eternity. 24 months interest free is baaasically forever, but what about after that? What about month 25, bogan?

I mean… sure, the bogan can go and get another wrist tattoo. Sweet, sweet permanency. Even the Chinese symbol for “eternity” is an option. The tattoo could also represent the bogan being tribal for eternity, or in love with its current mating partner for eternity. But, despite the best efforts of the Australian and Thai health systems, the bogan will eventually die, and its skin wither.

“How can I leave my mark forever?”, mused the female bogan as it shuffled down the BBQ aisle at Bunnings, intending to replace the other giant BBQ which it had not used in the previous three years. Lost in its thoughts, its nose collided with a vertical display of brass padlocks hung from one of the shelves. The flash of snout-pain was also a flash of inspiration.

“I’m totally going to uninstall Tinder. Promise.”

Some years earlier, on the bogan’s repeat Contiki tours of Europe, it had seen bridge railings covered in padlocks. Pure romance. Dutifully, the bogan placed  padlocks on the ironwork to symbolise the undying nature of its love for bus companions Jackson (’07), Troy (’12), and Jakcson (’12 – week two), respectively. It was European, it was classic. Just like the chic sophistication of the wok burner on the $899 barbecue. $906 later, the bogan had purchased its new padlock, and was fully equipped to confront its own mortality.

On the drive home, Twitter was informed that “I’ve dumped 3 loser guys this month, but @Trizzzztan69 is the one #yolo”.

While Tristan was somewhat surprised to hear his new fuck buddy speak so emphatically, his reluctance to burn his sexual bridges resulted in him consenting to the visit to the nearby physical bridge. Hopefully for sex. Following a thirty second recital of Taylor Swift lyrics, the padlock was snapped closed around the bridge’s railing, and Tristan’s future was sealed. Tears were shed. Tristan feared that the tears would delay sex. He was right to fear this.

Quick, what’s the Twitter handle for the United Nations War Crimes Commission?!

Although the bogan has generally negative feelings about China, the padlocking craze can actually be traced back to here, before rearing its head in Europe in the 1980s. So it’s European. It’s a trend that appeals strongly to the bogan, because of its drama and exhibitionism. Nothing can exist for the bogan unless it is acted out in public.

But by bringing this craze to Australia, the bogan has delivered a new challenge to local councils nationwide. Spooked by reports of European bridges collapsing under the weight of thousands of steel padlocks, council workers with boltcutters are tasked with routinely depriving the bogan of its constitutional rights AND its one big shot at transcending all of existence.

But that’s ok, it stops the bogan from needing to find a new bridge railing next month. And Bunnings doesn’t mind.


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17 responses

28 10 2014
jennyrecorder

(Chortles) Guess I’m not a bogan as not being a FIFO, I can’t afford to upgrade the barbie!

28 10 2014
Shirley

Predictions:
Ed Hardy branches out into the designer padlock market.
Pandora manufactures matching padlock and padlock charm bundle.

31 10 2014
Davo

Ed Hardy padlocks, awesome idea. But they’d have to be mega huge.

31 10 2014
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Is there any other kind.

1 09 2016
Amy

And in the shape of a mesh snapback trucker cap!

31 10 2014
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Symbolism, what’s with the symbolism? Tatts, padlocks, Jeeps. How about doing something and living your life instead of trying to memorialise every new crotch dropping or root?

31 10 2014
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

Hi Shirl!

7 11 2014
Right and proud

I was in Paris earlier this year and it was my first exposure to ‘padlocking’. I knew when I saw it, it was only a matter of time before the masses leapt upon this trend in the serious belief that it would be ‘OMG so romantic!’ Turns out I was right- yet again.

9 11 2014
moar caek

Odd. I thought this was something you did when you got back from your backpacking odyssey/sex tourism package/quango junket; ditch your bag locks on an airport fence. But I don’t get out much.
I’ve been busy researching the Third of the Seven Great Lies, specifically; “if you work hard you can get rich”. My research indicates that people who believe this don’t know what rich is. The other six Great Lies are:
“the battery was flat”
“this will be better for consumers”
“I paid that invoice last week”
“all politicians are the same”
“I promise I won’t come in your mouth”
and “we inherited a budget crisis from the previous government”

7 12 2014
Vanessa

Dear TBL. I am waiting for your entry about the ‘event’ that was a Krispy Kreme opening. No shit, it was dubbed an ‘event’ and to this day, people are still spending hours in the drive through waiting for their doughnuts.
How do I know this? Because secretly I really, really, want one of thems doughnuts and it’s the 3rd time in a matter of weeks that I’ve driven out to God knows where Whitfords is, to get one. So, I’m super shitty with the bogan right now as they seem to possess a measure of…er, patience?? that I do not!

That is all.

9 12 2014
jennyrecorder

…and a local radio station was giving out $250 vouchers to spend at the doughnut shop. How does a doughnut shop achieve the status of a catwalk parade in Paris, oh right, it’s Perth…(sigh)

17 12 2014
martin

Damn I missed this one. Unless you want to follow people in your industry and keep up to date with the latest developments, apart from “journalism”, of course, Twitter is bogan.

I’m pretty sure TBL has already covered Krispy Kreme. I saw some video posted from reddit where cars were queued up for seemingly kilometres.

Sucked in Perth, you’re now an a#sehole city like the rest of us. Adelaide and Simon is next! F#ck you!

5 01 2015
Simon - Teh Interwebz Ninja

You farkin idiot Martin. Adelaide got KK last year. It was pandemonium for 2 weeks whilst the bogans worked out lining up for 2 hours to get a donut that would be nicer and cheaper at their local bakery was actually pretty dumb. That being said last time I went past there they were still doing a pretty brisk trade!

5 02 2015
biallystock

Canberra and Sydney had the KK craze years ago and quickly dumped, unfortunately not the massive amounts of calories ingested!

5 02 2015
biallystock

Sydney and Canberra had KK years ago and quickly got over it, but not the massive calorie intact.

Burnt a hole in your wallet as well!

Must admit they were very nice if you got them fresh out of the donut machine, but that didn’t last. A few months in and it was back to the stale old cold shelfnuts again.

11 01 2015
martin

I agree. If you don’t mind 50,000 calories in a few mouthfuls or if you’re proud to be a disgusting fat f#ck like a lot of bogans are then your average strawberry donut is way better.

Don’t hurt my feelings Simon I might use it to justify becoming a fat f#ck and use your tax money to fund my diabetes medication. I’m always looking to be offended.

17 12 2014

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