#261 – The Business Class Boast

23 06 2014

It was a simpler time. Back in the good old days, it was enough for the bogan to scuttle onto a cheap flight to Bali or Thailand, get its hair braided, drink Bintang or Chang, and become exceptionally sunburnt. Which is not to say that the bogan can’t still enjoy those things. Instagram now groans under the weight of filtered photos of new tattoos and scooter accidents.

But that ubiquity has become problematic for the bogan. With everyone crashing scooters and “totes tripping balls” on watered down magic mushroom shakes, the bogan no longer feels like the special petal that it so craves being. As it stood in the Jetstar cattle pen one day, the bogan’s beady eyes spotted a velvet rope far up a hallway. The bogan knew that it was on the wrong side of the velvet rope, and was displeased.

The door behind the rope lacked maxtreme signage, but rumours persisted that it was a portal to a world of unlimited booze, “happy ending” massages, and celebrities. The bogan wanted in. Into the world of special gold tags on luggage, exclusive lounges, and seats behind that super VIP curtain at the front of the plane. Acting on another rumour, the bogan marched up to the customer service counter and declared that it wished to receive a free upgrade to the business class lounge, and a business class seat on the plane.

The request was not granted.

The bogan's promised land, which resembles a hybrid of an RSL and a Harvey Norman

The bogan’s promised land, which resembles a hybrid of an RSL and a Harvey Norman

The bogan returned to the clammy huddle inside its holding pen, vowing vengeance on a world that didn’t understand the bogan’s VIP requirements. Revenge came quickly, with Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram being informed that Qantas Club is a pack of cunts. The bogan’s crimson rage was as intense as it was fleeting. It mutated into a beige paste of shame and unrequited longing, for the bogan wanted desperately to be behind that velvet rope. $485 later, the bogan became Qantas Club’s newest member, and hurriedly deleted its cunt tweets.

The lounge itself was pleasant, though altogether too sedate for such a glorious velvet rope triumph. The bogan, normally swift to complain about a lack of maxtremity, seemed strangely unbothered. It set itself up on a couch, and held aloft its Qantas Club card, along with a glass of 12 year old whisky with coke. Then a selfie. And another selfie. A third selfie. Then 10 minutes searching for an Instagram filter named “$wag”. All of its friends were commanded to be totes jelly of the amazing lounge. The $485 of value thus secured, the bogan waited for its plane.

Astonishingly, the cabin crew led the bogan to the economy seat specified on its ticket. “I’m a fucking Qantas Club member; I demand to see your boss!”

The request was not granted.

The bogan gulped from its massive can, and contemplated the catch 22 irony of its plight. Its job as an Executive Account Coordinator Manager Consultant Specialist did not pay well enough for the bogan to afford the 400% price premium of sitting at the front of the plane, yet the real managers at the company sometimes got to fly business class for free.

To ward off these thoughts, the bogan placed its Qantas Club card on the fold-out tray table, and commenced searching for a camera angle that gave the illusion of expansive space. It was time to gloat to social media about its free business class seat upgrade.


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24 responses

24 06 2014
Unfoofoo - Survivor from the deepest garages of doomness

Reminds me of a brag by my (once supervising) executive sales team manager specialist for an office supplies company in Milton QLD (now gone..surprise surprise). That he and a number of other management group leader specialists would go to the Qantas club lounge (prior to leaving a super important interstate executive specialist meeting) and down as many Crown Lagers as they could before take off… (record was 8 I believe)

Said Bogan boss was offered this leadership role (because of his skill as a plumber elsewhere) to lead a sales team. He knew other Bogans in high places.(AKA jobs for the Bogan boys)

His idea of team motivation was forcing us to listen to “We are the Champions” by Queen, once a week.

5 out of 6 of us in the sales team despised this hyper wanker and one would think Bogan boss would catch on…

No it was obvious he thought of himself as “A fucking legend, mate”.

25 06 2014
mcmontecarlo

Reckon I live next door to that bloke. And yes, he went back to plumbing.

2 07 2014
martin

I was hanging out side a Telstra shop waiting for it to open, not for me mind you, and the employees were in there having a meeting, and then at the end they played that Queen song to get “motivated”. Or some other MMM staple we’ve all heard 5 billion times and never want to hear again.

I felt sorry for them, poor togans and nogans. Being paid minimum wage to help bogans because they can’t use google to fix their tech problems and being forced to pretend to be happy about it.

24 06 2014
franz chong

Silliest Thing I have ever heard of in my life.I have an Aunt who has been a member since the TAA/Australian Airlines Flight Deck Days whose kids always flew Business back in the eighties and they are definetly not bogan

24 06 2014
mcmontecarlo

You totally missed the point of the story.
It was about the current generation of aspirational bogue, not your Sainted old aunt!

24 06 2014
Dazza

Us bogans never get it.

24 06 2014
Unfoofoo - Survivor from the deepest garages of doomness

Let me spell it out…

Just for the record, I have used business class frequently when I had my own business (sure, I’m a has-been), this is when I had to travel between Sydney & Melbourne all the time. It was quick on – quick off, efficient, fast and it was my company’s money and my risk anyway.

Business class = Fine, OK right tool for the job. Big hairy deal.

What I’m trying to illustrate are the wanker posers on the company tab, dead wood, beneficiaries, (Not privileged children that’s fine, but another story) and hangers-on with a pretentious claim to self importance through affiliation.

I’m talking about the REAL tossers who have everything paid for them so they can go home and tell the wife, family, team how important / legendary they are and the rest of their custard brained tribe while watching some game show before the current affairs show starts and they’ve opened their first XXXX Gold.

Especially when they wouldn’t know their arse from their elbow.

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

Anyone who flew Business Class in the 80s was a tool, surely

24 06 2014
Peter McCutcheon

I heard an expression CUB’s when describing a rowdy group in the Qantas Club – was later told it means Cashed Up Bogans – fits very well with your story.

24 06 2014
Liam Gallagher's Monobrow

Although it’s highly likely she is a bogan.

24 06 2014
Unfoofoo - Survivor from the deepest garages of doomness

Peter YES, CUB LURVE IT!!

So dead on.

2 07 2014
Davo

I’m almost temped to plan my next holiday to Bali, might even fly Jetstar.

4 07 2014
Bazza_not

Been almost everywhere apart from the UK! Maybe 150 flights over the past 18 years. Never once did I fly economy! On 65k hahaha The “it” or Ccfl member was described almost to well. I know the “it” inside out! I continuously refused its ridiculous requests like “How long will the lightning keep the ramp personnel from loading my bags?” One moment Sir i will just give God a quick call became my standard response….. Upgrade me! You lost my bags and ‘I’ is a Club member! Sorry for my complete lack of competence Mr It, obviously my actions resulted in your loss! Here Mr it have my bag:-) Don’t be a smart C#^t they would snap! “my bag had my favorite Stubbie shorts and a warm half carton of domestic violence! You bag is way to small to hold that shit>…. Haha haha to yous all……

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

I suppose you are a flight attendant, Barry, when you say that you continuously refused passenger requests? But I am a bit confused. I’m not really sure what point you are making! Please explain!!

6 07 2014
Moo

The bogan is a dirty desperate neanderthal fool. His obsession with celebrity and vip status will always end in befuddled confusion and anger as to why he is a second rate worthless nobody.

8 07 2014
mcmontecarlo

Wake up Moo!
Bogans are running the country.

Into the ground, but still…

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

Bogans can only be female by definition! “The bogan is a dirty desperate neanderthal fool. Her obsession with celebrity and vip status will always end in befuddled confusion and anger as to why she is a second rate worthless nobody.”

20 07 2014
BertyOfBrunswick

As of yesterday, I am no longer a Qantas Club member. I can appoint this site with about 1/3 of the responsibility for my decision. Kudos

31 07 2014
Jesse Cohen

I guess you mean that you want to credit the site…

6 08 2014
Ryu

I have a friend on facebook who barely posts but it is ALWAYS to check in to the “Qantas First Class Lounge”…. after the millionth time it’s like who gives a fuck? honestly can’t they realise we see straight through this aspirational bogan shit?

28 10 2014
jd

I prefer to arrive at the airport as late as possible, than to hang out there drinking! Airplanes are just buses in the sky, and the airport is the bus station.

I was at the airport recently, checking in on a Malaysia Airlines flight. The lady at the desk told me there has been a dramatic increase for the number of upgrade requests by boges, apparently because ‘…you know, I’m still flying your airline despite the plane disappearing and the one being blown out of the sky….’

22 11 2014
CJ

Most of the bogans I know only qualified for the Qantas Pub because they were FIFO workers and reached Platinum status for simply going to work.

23 11 2014
franz chong

Thank Goodness I don’t fly enough to warrant the use of such a facility.Will admit to as a kid flying Continental to America first time around with the family using what was known in the eighties as the Captain’s Club lounge in Melbourne as we happened to be flying Business Class thanks to my Aunt.

14 02 2015

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