#163 – Executive Consultant Account Coordination Management

4 08 2010

The bogan has always been well aware of the glittering treasures offered by success. Maxtremely fast cars, immediate access to the far side of velvet ropes, and the chance to have massive cans installed in one’s chest or bed. The bogan will enthusiastically announce that it has the talent and X-factor to become a success, coupled with a flimsy ego-preserving clause explaining why it has not already occurred.

But, much to TBL’s chagrin, the bogan’s mediocrity is sometimes short-lived. A few months ago, when the bogan was sitting at work browsing a Fairfax news site to discover which celebrity had allegedly undergone an arse implant procedure, it noticed an advertisement on the side of the page. A job ad, for a “Sales Consultant” role. This is an actual job ad:

Do you love Promotions?! Being on Center Stage?!

we’re looking for 2 fun, outgoing individuals

Do you feel like you are being held back?, Need a new challenge?, Craving a fun team environment?

·  Are you a TALKER?

·  Looking to earn great $MONEY$?

Do you…

  • Smile because you CAN?
  • Have friends that think you’re a bit of a chatterbox?
  • Like to laugh and be silly every now and then?
  • Fancy yourself as an active, energetic & caring person?
  • Have passion for everything that you do?
  • WORK GREAT IN A TEAM AND KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO STAY ON TOP OF THINGS?
  • Do you LOVE LIFE and live it to the fullest every day?

The bogan knew that it was unbeatable at elbowing its way through post-Christmas sales, and had the insight to contribute at a high level to this company. While the finer points of role description sounded a lot like its current job, the bogan knew it was ready to step up to the consulting level. The bogan, underskilled shortcutting narcissist that it is, leapt at what appeared to be a golden opportunity to be lauded for being good at being its totally awesome self.

After using its charm, wit, and savvy to secure its prestigious new role, the bogan told its friends that it was now a consultant. Inspired, the friends applied for new jobs too. Within three months, the previously unremarkable collective of bogans had brilliantly transformed into a Business Development Manager, a Travel Coordinator, and an Account Executive. Despite the general lack of increased salary or responsibility, the bogans intuitively knew that it was time to start walking the walk as business elite. There would be boardrooms to dominate, business class travel junkets to enjoy, and more lunchtime Moët than their livers could reasonably accommodate.

This incredibly fast and easy ascent into the corporate stratosphere serves to bring forward a bogan’s mid-life crisis. Not long after, the bogan can be seen driving a flashy convertible, attempting to choke its way through cigars in beer gardens, and conspicuously using the “platinum card” that it is paying $50 extra per month to possess. But like every good expedited mid-life crisis, the flurry of ego-buttressing is eventually halted by insolvency, health problems, and a still-unshakable existential void. Yes, it’s time for the bogan to rise to “Senior Sales Consultant” level, so that it can bully someone else into fetching the morning coffee.


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383 responses

4 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

best. ever.

4 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

…I mean, the entire western democracility is actually predicated on just the egoism TBL have dipped our mental toes in.
if not for men with short dicks we would still be living in caves.

12 03 2011
Lizzie

so true. and i say this as an ex-consultant! had to give it up before i leapt across the boardroom table and committed mass homicide.

4 08 2010
James Hunter

TBL,
Congratulations, this so closley fits my own observations .
So often the bogan when out of work will describe their situationas ” doing a bit of consulting.
Mostley consulting creditors and whoever may be able to bail them out of a nasty situation.
They will even explain their financially pressured downgrade to a smaller car, as being immage driven ” don’t want to appear too successful when calling on clients might make em jelous” The down side is they then waste a lot of time walking as they always park rounf the corner so people can’t see the load of crap that they are driving.

4 08 2010
AlyssaKT

Hi JH 🙂
My mother works in employment services and if she had a dollar for every unemployed dole-bludging “actor” who said they’d never lower themselves to auditioning for a role on Home and Away, or for all of the under-qualified, long-term unemployed who told her they were waiting for a “management role” she would be a very wealthy woman.
But intelligence is a wealth too 😉

4 08 2010
ThatWeirdo

Know an uber bogan who bought his missus plastic tits. They cost a lot. To thank him she screwed his mate. This ended their love. Even funnier thing is, after a few years him & boguette with plastic cans are back together!
Ah, bogan love, there is nothing greater. Or maybe he just wants a better
return on his investment?

4 08 2010
AlyssaKT

I know a bloke who lives in Main Beach (“Main Bleach”) on the Gold Coast who bought both of his previous girlfriends boobs, and has nothing to show for it now but debt, he admits.
You can bet he’ll buy the next one boobs too, though!

4 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

dude.
issues.

4 08 2010
Miss Dahl

There’s a multitude of proverbs inspired by just these induhviduals …

4 08 2010
ThatWeirdo

Alyssa, that is a great example of the very low bogan IQ. Free tits for all, as long as you root me… for a while. Why any male would want to grope
a chick with plastic bags in her chest is beyond me. Do you think he will pay for them to be ‘refreshed?’ Does he realize they must be refreshed every 7 to 10 years? Better to spend on beer, than waste money on tits.

4 08 2010
Benny Hill

I reckon you could account 99% of ‘The Full List’ to marketing.

They are the scourge of our society.

4 08 2010
Mick

Someone suggested a while ago that they believed that at least one of the good people of TBL worked or had training in marketing.

And to be honest, as an average uneducated yob this place has opened my eyes up to a lot of little games being played out there.

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Spiv that I am, I work in marketing and I can tell you two things:
a) we all (the general population) have seriously fragile egos
b) a good job title can save an employer at least $10,000

4 08 2010
the trav

” a good job title can save an employer at least $10,000″

I never thought of this prior to reading this, and i found myself nodded in agreement then chortled uncontrollably.

well done sir.

4 08 2010
Mick

b) a good job title can save an employer at least $10,000

This must be the suited-up NaB.

I know the fluro wearing NaB won’t move outside of their current job unless cash is splashed around. Any attempt to move said fluro on without a wage rise will gain a response of ‘Fark that for a joke!’

4 08 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Human Resources soaks up a lot of the spineless, soulless bogans. They have all been in marketing of course. Yes, of course.

6 08 2010
HR Drone

Human Resources is completely different to Marketing. Unless you’re generalizing all of HR based on the bogan field of recruitment.

4 08 2010
AlyssaKT

If only they used their power for good, instead of evil.

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Nah, it’s fun on the dark side.

4 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

I have a question Chairman. Why am I always acutely aware of the effect that advertising should be having on me, while at the same time it is having no effect (apart from being very, very annoying)? Is my brain not working? Is my ego missing?

4 08 2010
AlyssaKT

May I answer, James AA-I?
Because you’re not a bogan.

4 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

So there are others like me? What a relief! I had been thinking that my brain was broken.

4 08 2010
AlyssaKT

You are new to this blog? You’ve stumbled across Utopia.

4 08 2010
Sten

I’ve often wondered the same thing, James. It’s good to be among friends.

5 08 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I’m sure I’d be rather exceptional at marketing, sales, consultancy, et al, however I lack the requisite ethical standards so required in the finer arts of spivery.

I just appreciate that my jobs calls upon exactly nil of those said skillz, and that my calling doesn’t exist to simply oil and spin the wheels of commerce. As humble as my career is (disabilities support worker), I gain immense satisfaction from it, knowing that I am indeed adding dignity and amenity to my residents’ lives.

Although I do this for pay, that is something that cannot otherwise be bought, it has to be within the fibre of your being.

5 08 2010
Going Bogue

Highlighting your own selflessness and good deeds for the under-privileged is incredibly bogan

6 08 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I don’t need to blow my own horn about it, really. Just disclosing my position, that’s all.

The difference between myself and the bogan is that it bothers me not to get shit on my hands, in the most literal sense—that sorts the wheat out from the chaff pretty damn quick.

So watch your words and hope to whomever that you don’t require someone to wipe your arse in your dotage, or disabled state. I back my words with actions, which is most unboganlike.

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

You would be surprised at how it is actually working on you, unless you’re completely off the grid living in a teepee somewhere.

For example in your supermarket shopping or car buying. (I’ll make a couple of presumptuous assumptions based on your presence here – and I don’t mean to be offensive in the least).

You see yourself as above marketing and non-responsive so I would aim high end muesli at you with very clean, artisan-style packaging (ie not looking mass produced in the slightest even though it is). The advertising would be reflective of your need for ‘pure’ ingredients, hand rolled in nanna’s kitchen. My message to you would be along the lines of this is an elite product for those who care and think deeply about their health. Thinking Man’s Muesli – full of brainy goodness that’ll make you crap like a champ and maintain that aesthetic physique. I’d bandy about all sorts of tech terms like low GI, choc full of mineral X and Y that will do .

Cars: I’d aim my Renault, Peugeot or Suburu forester or outback message at your individualist tendencies; your desire to stand out from the crowd with a car that doesn’t stand out (unlike those noisy petrol-munching yob brands like Jeep or something).

In other words marketing to you would simply confirm your choices based on your inherent psychology (elite, not one of the crowd) and thus wouldn’t seem like marketing. But it is – it’s all carefully considered, well-executed marketing.

You are mine.

Does that make sense?

Marketers rarely lose. The genius of the article on news.com.au today, is that people who think they’re more sophisticated than being crassly branded end up paying MORE for products of comparable quality and manufacturing cost. So from Gucci’s point of view, you can either purchase their products at price $800 and get an advertisement built in, or you can purchase their products at $1200, and have the other $400 go to advertising in that magazine that you like reading. For profitability and brand development purposes, I’m sure Gucci doesn’t much mind which choice a person makes. TBL

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

The advertising for products you don’t want or like will be seen as annoying; the ads for products you like will be seen as informational and part of your decision-making process.

By the way, the ads that I do for mass-market prods are full of ‘The easy way to do … x’ ‘ Look better in just 5 minutes when you… Y’ ‘Quick and simple ways to prepare a meal that… ‘

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chairman, have you been on Gruen?

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Yes, correct for both statement/questions.

When defining ‘intrinsically superior’ ask what has driven your knowledge. Answer, marketing in one form or another. The product that ‘won’ your cash simply appealed to your particular sense of self worth better.

4 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

A little. However, you are slightly off the mark. I eat Weetbix every morning for breakfast, because it tastes much better than the other brands and I like plain things. I buy the brand of coffee my parents did (simply because I know what to expect). I do not drive a car – I have a motorbike of the older sort (because they are cheap). I tend to interrogate the choices that I make when purchasing for their rational basis, in terms of why the product I am tempted to buy is intrinsically superior to the others that I am not. I now imagine that the fact I am unaware of any of my purchases being influenced by advertising simply speaks to the genius of the marketers responsible. I am correct in doing so?

Also, my wife loves any kind of soap, shampoo or body wash with a green bottle. Now I am also guessing that this is some kind of marketing trick similar to that you have outlined above.

Thank you for the enlightenment Chairmen.

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

oops, sorry James, answer is above in response to Simon.

I’ll compound idiocy by answering Simon here… that is compulsive viewing in our joint, and I love Russell. Young Todd is starting to believe his own bullsh$t a bit too much me thinks.

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chairman,

I have to agree with you there. The show struggld a bit in the first season but got a groove going last year that has continued. Just watched this weeks and you are right, Todd was the weakest link, taking it all too seriously. He needs to lighten up and stop with the slightly disturbing comb forward thing he has going on.

Are you going to be invited back on?

12 02 2015
Demosthenes

You buying the brand of coffee your parents did is a resounding success of marketing.

4 08 2010
James Hunter

.

4 08 2010
Sten

“underskilled shortcutting narcissist”.

Fantastic. This describes so many acquaintances of mine to a tee.

4 08 2010
DP

Nah, that’s not a bogan – that’s a Gen Y professional in the modern workplace. Just try and explain why a couple of years of work experience is not enough to make you management material.

4 08 2010
Dgusten

Actually, I reckon a lot of the shit that gets hung on “Gen Y” as a whole (such as you’re accusation, DP) should rightly be directed at “Gen Y Bogans”.

The problem is that with 90 odd percent of the population, and with boganification seemingly increasing over time, its easy to conflate the two.

Intelligent non-bogue Gen Y members have a lot to offer… or at least I’d like to think so.

If not, I’m aged close enough to Gen X to get away with being labelled one.

4 08 2010
Dgusten

That should read:

“…with 90 odd percent of the population being bogan…”

4 08 2010
FT

Totally agree Dgusten.

As a professional, edu-ma-cated Gen-Y’er, and I’m getting rather annoyed by constantly hearing about how we’re a pack of no-good slackers with a sense of entitlement to everything and loyalty to nothing.

I’ve been working hard in the same organisation for 5yrs (i.e. since graduating), and getting paid a lot less than I could be earning in the private sector, simply due to my dedication to the work I do, the enjoyment I get from it and the fact that I don’t need a fantastic job title or exorbitant pay to feel satisfied.

From now on, let all derogatory references to Gen-Y be restricted to Gen-Y bogans… please? 🙂

4 08 2010
vivisection

Not so fast kids. I have worked with a lot of non -bogan Gen Y’s and I don’t necessarily agree. I am conflicted by the fact that I loathe the middle management practice of slotting employees into age group based groupings and casting wild nasturiums… However, I have noticed that workers in the Gen Y group, do tend to have a more “why aren’t I manager already, it’s been 18months attitude. Also the common ” I applied for a receptionist job, but really I should be running the IT dept, so I’ll do the bare minimum reception work until I am promoted” approach. Other fun work habit sinclude absurdly high amounts of sick leave, the arrive 30 secs before a shift starts and make coffee work ethic and working on their other jobs while everyone else does their work for them.
Yours
Grumpy old Gen Xer, who moved out of home and stayed out. 🙂

4 08 2010
Dgusten

Fair enough, but are you sure that these lazy co-workers aren’t drinking locally brewed foreign labelled beer at Friday night drinks, flying Jetstar to Thailand on their holidays, buying Louis Vuitton, watching Two and a Half Men, reading Zoo Weekly, getting tattoos, et cetera, et cetera et fucking certera?!?
In 5 to 10 years, will they be building a McMansion in the sticks?
I, of course, would love to own my own home (not a McMansion in the sticks), but cannot afford to do so as long as the government continues to pander to Gen X and Baby Boomers with the middle class welfare that is negative gearing. Except that, as easily distracted (I’m not racist but) bogans will tell you, it’s foreigners that are making housing unafforable…

4 08 2010
lol-plates

Do What I am about to do, when my grad program finishes I am getting a job where my house is owned by the government, made of fabric and is mobile. This house is also able to be re located by air, sea or wheeled/tracked vehicle. THis house can enable me to spend long government payed overseas holidays too!

Guess what it is!

4 08 2010
Pandabater

Insurgent

5 08 2010
lol-plates

Close enough, much to the wife’s dismay I’m going to.apply for a commission and join the infantry or armoured.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

done that!
I was there when the Shit Went Down in Western Sahara!
Goddamn Moroccans. The place was awash with hash. people were eating it. spinner never really came back.
the horror
the horror
Rug stores make me jumpy still.

5 08 2010
Dgusten

Sleeping bag? Although not sure about the long government paid overseas holidays bit…

5 08 2010
James Hunter

Fella’s, You almost got it. It is an Army sleeping bag and the overseas holiday ? Afganistan !!

5 08 2010
devil's advocate

Negative gearing doesn’t really impact that much on affordability. Do some numbers on a) the marginal rate of tax paid by people who engage in negative gearing and b) the annual stream of tax saved converted to a “net present value” amount, (assuming a 7.5% cost of capital, being the long-run average retail mortgage rate) representing the amount extra that someone can stump up for a house because of negative gearing, and it works out to a pretty small amount. Also it’s a one-off structural increase, not an ongoing inflation effect. It works out to less in percentage terms than the annual growth rate of most years between 2000-2009.

5 08 2010
James Hunter

It does reduce the numbers of properties available for purchase though and turns them int rental availability.
The whole purpose of negative gearing is for investors to benifit. Not house owner occupiers.

5 08 2010
Dgusten

The whole purpose of it is to encourage building new properties (oh, and to appease the electorate).
But given 90% or so negative gearers do it on an existing property, its a pretty stupid policy.
No negative gearing in other countries, except Canada and NZ. Guess who’s is easily the most generous?

5 08 2010
Mandi

I’m generation Y and at my first job I arrived early every morning, worked hard, went without lunch to finish jobs and offered to do more. My generation X boss would spend the day talking to his brother on the phone, flirting with the cleaner and leaving on mysterious errands. He told me off for talking too much with clients and then for ‘being stand-offish’ with them, he wouldn’t give me direction when I was being trained and was overall extremely sexist. At the end of my three month trial (coincidentally just when I was due a raise) I was made redundant (by phone, not in person). My biggest regret was that I never made a complaint.

5 08 2010
vivisection

Mandi, that’s why I don’t approve of the whole Gen X, Y, Boomers crap being used as management tools and guidelines. Yes it can be fun making sweeping generalisations about an entire generation, but really it should be left at just that. I would never make a decision about hiring someone based on what year they were born! Yet in the past I’ve been made to attend inane workshops that teach people “how to get the most out of your Gen X Y Z staff” load of crap, everyone is an individual. Except Gen Bogue, which covers 90% of the population born between 1812 – 2010.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

I had the same experience with the Public Service.
who the hell gets “let go” by the Public Service

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

?

5 08 2010
vivisection

I didn’t even get into the public service – I was still off my chops when I sat the exam. I clearly recall the very moment I remembered I had the test in the morning, right after I took ALL of the of the speed. That was a good 17 years ago.

5 08 2010
Mandi

I know Vivi, I’ve worked with people from many different ‘generations’ and I know you can find extremely immature ‘boomers’ and complete nutters in gen Y. I hate the fact that age is a hiring factor, so is gender. I’ve heard people say they won’t hire women of ‘childbearing age’, and people only want ‘Juniors’ because they can pay them nothing and then get rid of them. What if you are 50 and want a career change? BTW is their ever a staff workshop that doesn’t involve paper and coloured pencils? its like preschool never ended.

4 08 2010
Jason

Excellent post, TBL. You’ve managed to succinctly capture something that has been infuriating me for a long time: the concept of the Account Executive.

Having worked in telecommunications for a number of years in a technical role, the AE has been the bane of my existence. Having little to no knowledge of how anything works – indeed, considering it beneath them to learn – the AE will harangue current and prospective clients with an almost superhuman arrogance and ignorance. Buoyed by middle-management pep-talks and the prospect of maxstreme bonuses, these complete asshats are unleashed upon the unsuspecting public like a pinstripe-suited virus.

Of course, when they fail to deliver what they’ve promised, it’s never their fault; it’s the systems, the infrastructure, the back-end support (read: me). We are the ones left to placate the customer and implement the solution, which is, more often than not, more efficient and cost-effective than the one suggested to them by these uneducated morons. The best bit, though, is when you get the AE or their managers calling you to complain that the cheaper solution has cost them “target revenue” – and therefore the likelihood of descending upon some poor QLD resort for their end-of-year “team bonding” wankfest.

4 08 2010
Paul Bogan

I recently took a package to get away from this virus at the University i worked for.

I thought I would get a job easily and now find myself in the limbo of unemployment, but am now confornted with the ‘bogan elite’ via ‘Professional Job Placement Groups’ that are gloified centrelink offices for people who got packages.

Then I have been stuck in the ‘lying game’ of ‘Job Agencies’ who literally skim jobs off companies job posting board.

My self esteem is shot to hell, been on anti-depressants and my network is poor – it’s all about networks, despite me having a degree in IT, ITIL certification, MCP etc..

Alas the bogan with ‘positive attitude’, ‘can do attitude’ and ability to ‘make chummy’ with middle management at Friday drinkies at dull Irish concept pubs and make them look good, will no doubt beat me.

Then they wonder why they lose billions on IT projects like MYKI, HealthSmart etc..

4 08 2010
pb

ugh, job searching. i was doing that second half of last year after the place i worked for was taken over and restructured. i hate the whoring that needs to be done on job applications and in interviews.

4 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

recruitment types were the ones I was envisioning reading the post.
Headhunters.
joke

4 08 2010
pb

well, that works too.

4 08 2010
Dgusten

Do a video resume like Barney Stinson:

http://www.barneysvideoresume.com/

Bound to get you a job.

4 08 2010
AntiPajero

I think he based that on Aleksey Vayner’s video. Remember: Impossible is Nothing.

5 08 2010
Mandi

I’m in that situation now, and you get one answer for every 20 applications.

10 08 2010
jaydyn

I know exactly what you’re talking about. I too deal with many AEs in the telecommunications industry, not one of ever knows what they’ve sold a client, even when we admit it’s an offering flawed by design, because the AE didn’t bother about technical constraint x or y. HAH.

4 08 2010
Rob

Ouch. This one hit home. My dad’s a self-employed consultant. If he’s still putting away money after house payments, credit cards and car payments am I still bogan spawn? :O

4 08 2010
Shirley M

OMG! I’m an active, caring and energetic person who likes to laugh and be silly and talk. And I love $MONEY$! I wonder if the position is still available? Oh wait. I hate working in a team. Especially ‘fun’ teams. Full of bogans.

4 08 2010
vivisection

You could get a clipboard and harrass people on the street Shirley, or work in a call centre. Or if that doesn’t suit you could get a job as “Director of First Impressions” aka Switchbitch / receptionist.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

I occupied a position in a call centre for a brief period of time a few years ago. Every day I was there I had to fight the urge to shove a pencil up my nose and be done with it.

4 08 2010
pb

while at uni i applied for a job with one of those companies that sign people up to charities on the street. they take you out with a couple of people to see what its like and then give it a go yourself. i lasted half an hour watching and decided there was no way in hell i was doing that.

4 08 2010
Miss Dahl

Switchbitch on a busy board is an OK job (harkening back to the 80’s here) only if they don’t load you up with tray loads of typing and filing that no-one else in the office wanted to do…

4 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

roger that.
working in “fun energetic teams” makes the voices in my head get louder and Louder and LOUDER…

4 08 2010
Miss Dahl

Fun, energetic teams – Read: group of induhviduals with wobbly self esteem, each grappling for pol position but lorded over by a big-mouth twat with no discernible talent.

4 08 2010
jay

teamwork translation: do things my way!

4 08 2010
Sten

Ugh. Don’t get me started about teams. I’ve always found “team” means a loose band of “rugged individualists” who dodge responsibility, white-ant each other and carry on low-level feuding and politicking while others are trying to get the work done. Oh, occasionally you’ll go out drinking with these piranhas on a Friday night, and all is OK for a few hours, only for the feeling of false cameraderie to sublimate away in the following Monday’s sunrise. It seems to get worse with every job I start.

I was interviewed for a job once, which seemed quite promising, only to be told “you sound like just the sort of person we need to balance out our existing team”. Figuratively speaking, I ran a mile.

4 08 2010
ThatWeirdo

I would rather die by a million paper cuts & have vinegar poured all over them then be stuck in a smelly air conditioned cubicle all fucking day with a bunch of dumb arsed bogans.

4 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. I’d rather die than have to work for any kind of living.

4 08 2010
devil's advocate

Speaking for myself, I’d also rather you die.

4 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. I assure you, the feeling is mutual.

4 08 2010
Dgusten

Does “Bestower of Largesse” qualify as a bullshit job title?

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No, it is a very serious business Dgusten. Check out my title, bestowed by the bestower.

4 08 2010
Dgusten

Hmm, what did you have to do to get yourself bestowed with the title? Did you glass a cunt for Fi without getting a payrise?
And what can I do?

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I just displayed mad glassin skilz. Hard to win a title and some people don’t like what is bestowed so be careful.

5 08 2010
Dgusten

I actually stubled across your bestowment ceremony yesterday while reading old posts (Scapegoats). Belated congratulations.

I’ll keep your warning in mind…

4 08 2010
Shirley M

LOL. No. It’s not a ‘job’, it’s a privilege.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I love my work!

4 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. That’s precisely what I would have said.

4 08 2010
ThatWeirdo

I meant ‘than’ be stuck…

4 08 2010
Lisa M

The sales manager where I used to work (a manufacturer of unrecyclable promotional crap, i.e. fridge magnets, button badges) had been to quite a few of those seminars where they learn special executive bogan talk, which we’d be subjected to at Monday morning meetings. Every week without fail, she’d encourage us to ‘move forward’, ‘be mindful’, and “work smarter”. We’d all agree to do so, then proceed to do everything the same way we’d done it the previous week…

4 08 2010
Tombarina

What appalling cynicism. Such inspirational insights are what keep me going.

I also I find meetings very useful, particularly for inventing ludicrous management-jargon corporate-speak, which I then helpfully introduce into the discussion.

Next time the agenda’s grinding to a halt, try suggesting that “an actionable platform would be to embrace full operationalisationing of the functionosity journey – thereby harnessing cascade theorem and enhanceing granularity.”

Be amazed when ABSOLUTELY NOBODY accuses you of being a bull**it artist. In all seriousity….

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

As a general priority, moving forward, let me just say…

Peter Sellers does it so much better:

vaguely reminiscent of last Sunday night’s feast of custard I thought.

4 08 2010
FT

Ahh, corporate speak… I just lent my copy of Don Watson’s “Weasel Words” to my manager. Surprisingly, an opportunity came up in which I could do this without seeming like an insolent little so-and-so.

4 08 2010
Sten

Tombarina, do you work in the Public Sector? You seem to have bureaucrat-speak down to an artform… I myself am not too bad at professional bullshitting… is there something I’m missing? Why can’t I land that cushy Government job, damn it!?

4 08 2010
Mick

They’re all perfectly cromulent words.

5 08 2010
Sten

Mmm yes, he embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

5 08 2010
Tombarina

Sten, the utter bollocks above is the result of nearly 20 years in meeedja, buttressed by a stint in high-end marketing, and now (as you quite rightly pointed out) in a quasi-government environment.

I am also deeply in love with Don Watson – may I commend to you http://www.weaselwords.com.au, which not only presents blue-sky opps to leverage structural change and enhance the implementality of one’s self-actualisation, but you can also share your own discoveries. Rich pickings……

5 08 2010
AntiPajero

Wait… did you move my Blackberry?

I also like to check out WeaselWords from time to time. I once (or twice) passed on some choice marketing blurf from some IT training corpse. I remember one piece trumpeting that it would bequeath the skills of “triage” across multiple “silos” to effect problem solution.

My mind’s mouth just got a bit furrier when typing that.

5 08 2010
Sten

I think my head is about to implode. Thanks again, Tombarina!

5 08 2010
MIck Thick

I work in Local Government, and get to hear quite a few of these weasel words. My fav atm is to “Green Tape” a project. Last year’s term which filtered down into the mouths of Directors and Management was “shovel-ready”.

5 08 2010
Tombarina

What the hell is green tape? Is it like red tape? Can one use it as a verb? (“We had such a lark green-taping with the kids, until JaXXXXson broke his clavicle.”)

Is it like greenfield? Is shovel-ready a semi-violated greenfield? Or does it mean you’re parked outside Bunnings, armed with study footwear, a credit card and a determined expression?

I hate bureaucrats. I wish they’d all stay on their bloody burning platform until they’re either incinerated, or crushed to death by a shifting paradigm.

5 08 2010
MIck Thick

I’m still a little confused on the use of Green Tape myself, but according to the woman in Governance who dropped this gem into a meeting, it is the process of streamlining or fast-tracking a project but still conforming to legislative requirements. It’s like a nicer form of Red Tape I guess.

And shovel-ready is a term thrown around a lot last year when we were being showered with Ruddy Money, it refers to a project being designed/priced/tendered and ready to be built once funding is sourced.

5 08 2010
James Hunter

Could it be the govt tape used to fasttrack projects with “green credentials” wheather or not they realy are so that govt can appear to be green thus appeasing the green vote without actually doing anything ?
Mind you a lot of the “Green” suggestions make as much sense as an ice canoe

4 08 2010
vivisection

I had one CEO / Knob who constantly improved himself by reading airport materials. The worst phase was his Edward De Bono phase where we had to put on farking hats and sitthrough wanky meetings and seminars. Aaaaahh. It only lasted a few months, at which time he had finally finished another book. This cycle conitnued for the entire 18months that he ran the company, until it went broke and we were all made redundant. Being a community organisation meant none of us were paid out properly…..

4 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

community organisation admin is a bit like local government or managing a McDonalds isn’t it?
Training Ground Stuff.
attracts only the most ambitious and officious.
all big fans of Titles.

4 08 2010
vivisection

Worse, it attracts the F#ckwits from the private sector who have mid life crisis and decide that they should be helping the community. They take their greedy corporate assholisim and wankery and apply it the community sector – directly getting in the way of people who want to get on with their work by insisting they sit through endless pointless teleconferences, crapola team building weekends (run by ex buddies who are now consultants $$$$$) and lots of inane flying around the country to attend day meetings where nothing is achieved. Then having no idea why all the staff leave and they business foes broke. Nightmares

4 08 2010
the trav

or trying to run them like a corporation i.e jack up prices, cut costs, increase management wages and dishout maXXXtreme bonuses,

4 08 2010
the trav

ah motivational meetings the bane of my life, I try and get out of them by telling wanky middle management types that i have better things to do, like my job. I dont need to fell good about my job, providing for my family is enough motivation…

4 08 2010
Tombarina

After today’s post, I can die a happy woman. TBL, you’ve put in print what I’ve been saying for years.

And Chairman Miaow is 100pc correct re titles – call someone an admin “manager” or “coordinator” rather than “officer or “pleb”, and they’re immediately a happier little clam and considerably cheaper to run.

Finally, just spotted this – Gucci, LV, etc have at last been held responsibile for being the bogan-magnet brand-whore-slurries that they are:
http://www.news.com.au/business/luxury-brands-send-out-secret-cues-journal-of-marketing-study/story-e6frfm1i-1225900624252

Top article. The bogan is impatiently awaiting a pintstripe suit that says “A R M A N I” across the back in large, pseudo-gothic letters. TBL

4 08 2010
the trav

the best way i heard this marketing/ premium branding phenominum described is “the process of paying an too much, for something you don’t need, to impress people you don’t like”

4 08 2010
Tombarina

Sounds very like Clive Hamilton’s definition of ‘affluenza’: spending money you can’t afford on crap you don’t need to impress peopole you don’t like.

4 08 2010
the trav

possibly, i remember reading it somewhere but could never remmeber who said it or what exact contect it was said in. but it is an apt description.

4 08 2010
the trav

from what i remember the quote was used when “road testing” a $200 bottle opener in one of those weekend magazines you get in the newspapers.

4 08 2010
pb

oh, they always have ridiculous things. one a few months back had a ‘travel wardrobe’ special for what to wear when travelling in vietnam and cambodia – pretty much every item they suggested you needed to have cost more than the average income in those countries.

4 08 2010
AlyssaKT

Excellent article! Thank you, Tombarina! 🙂

4 08 2010
Tombarina

AKT! Welcome back!!!!!!!

4 08 2010
AlyssaKT

Thank you! A pleasure to be here, as always!

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

What a wonderful new word I have learned … parvenu… rolls off the tongue.

I’ll be shoving this into every conversation I possibly can.

eg bogan cuts in 4 metres before red light I am coasting in to… ‘You woolly-headed, lummux-brained parvenu!’

4 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. I, of course, fall into the patrician category.

6 08 2010
RB

Apropos the Suit comment: I’ve actually seen a few people (mostly mainland Chinese) who have left the brand name tag sewn onto the sleeve of their suit.

On more regular Aussie bogans the worst example I have seen are Quicksilver (Or was it Rusty?) pinstriped business pants, complete with cargo phone pockets and obnoxious logo splashed across the bum. Stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.

The more common thing I see in Melbourne on Fridays are the greased up bogans who got got all hussied up in their brand new suits, still with (fake) basting threads intact on the shoulders, tail flaps and pockets. You can usually spot them a mile off because they can’t get their hands in their pockets unless they cut them so their tail flap will be bulging around their bum.

4 08 2010
Tone

Yikes. I’ve had flashbacks of the 13 or so years I was stuck in Banking surrounded by tossers like this. And they wonder why I’d never join them for Friday night drinks …

4 08 2010
the trav

friday nite drink, spend the night with “suited up” corp type sipping on “locally brewed imported labels” @ $10 a pop in some wankey bar, talking about how shit the company is being run and if i was in charge things would be some much better, then going it the “latest club” for some of “last years designer drug”……shit, Friday night drinks cover at least half of the topics on this blog

4 08 2010
pb

went to a few of those in my time working in the city – the people i worked with spent at least half the time at drinkd making fun of how the boss put on her lipstick. you’d think it’d get old after a few weeks, but apparently it didn’t.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Why anyone wants to go and drink on Fridays with the people they spend all week with, I’ll never understand.

4 08 2010
Miss Dahl

I think it probably all started when people actually never got to really see or talk to anyone in the workplace because they were all constantly snowed under with work and never took lunch breaks. The end of week for drinks was the only time they surfaced for air …

4 08 2010
Tone

Word.

It was bad enough that I was forced to spend 40+ hours a week with a bunch of cockmunchers that, if I didn’t know them from a bar of soap, I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire. To actually give up MORE time to be with them just reeks of insanity.

Am I glad to be away from all that.

4 08 2010
martin

It’s a shame that you have to spend time with the 50+ % of cockmunchers to spend some time with the 20-30% or so of the people you do like.

I used to go to work drinks at this place I worked at but because there was so many demented bogan f$ckers they were the ones that set the tone.

4 08 2010
Benny Hill

I go to Friday night drinks because there are topless barmaids and meat raffles. They also have bikini girls at the drive through washing windows. Then I have to go home to my wife and watch Hot Seat.

The best investment I made was an application for my phone called ‘Fake-a-call’. It allows you to set-up a time on your phone so that once you are in the meeting your phone actually rings with someone’s name showing up on the screen so it looks legit, you make out as though it’s very fucking urgent and you then leave. Done it the last 3 meetings and without anyone catching on.

I would like to see an entry about ‘Apple’ electronics. Their marketing dep’t out performs any other marketing dep’t (except maybe that of Lynx and Brut) known to man.

5 08 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I would agree about the marketing guff that Apple uses being especially effective. However, I would like to believe that I use Apple products for the right reasons: I do have a photography and music background and have used their products since the mid 90s, when they very nearly went under. I can also appreciate their ease of use, seamless integration and clean industrial design.

But those who purchase said products with the assumption that it’ll lend them a patina of cool are the bogans, of whom have no idea about the full abilities that Apple items have in store and make their purchase simply as a status symbol.

Bah humbug to those tossrags, for they can smoke my fat one…on second thoughts, maybe not, for I’d rather perish the thought about what virus they may infect my with 😛

5 08 2010
MIck Thick

“I can also appreciate their ease of use, seamless integration and clean industrial design.”

Ha ha, this quote shows that you have conformed exactly a post Chairman Miaow made above. Congrats on paying more for a logo mate.

4 08 2010
Sten

Hahahaha… reminds me of an afternoon upon which I found myself ensconced in that cradle of finance-boguery… I refer, of course, to the Brooklyn Hotel.

As it happened, I’d already had a stein or three down at the Lowenbrau, so my inhibitions were well and truly out the window. After sitting there for ten minutes listening to these bloodsuckers braying about their portfolios and other finance mumbo-jumbo, I was heard to yell very loudly “Wankers! You’re all WANKERS!”. I carried on in this manner for a good five minutes or so before my friends (one of whom worked in finance, of all things) joined in.

We got up and left, and the security goons actually smiled and complemented us on our way out.

Good times, good times.

4 08 2010
pb

would have loved to have been there to hear that, sten!

5 08 2010
Sten

Indeed, I often look back fondly on that afternoon, pb.

4 08 2010
The Battlers Prince

I would have thought News Ltd, rather than Fairfax, would moreso be the domain the common bogue would get their “news” fix…

4 08 2010
pb

with the way comments sections on fairfax papers’ sites have been going lately, it appears bogues are infesting.

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Yes! It’s as if you’ve stumbled onto the Tele by mistake. Illiterate twats with a garbled opinion that contradicts itself by statement’s end.

4 08 2010
martin

Fairfax is bogan as f$ck. The RE industry has their d1ck up fairfax’s arse.

But I do find the blog commentary to be of a higher standard.

4 08 2010
Sten

True, true. Jack Marx is the only decent writer News has.

4 08 2010
martin

I’ll say. I can’t stand the other bloggers. They’re all cheesy morons. Bogans even. Jack doesn’t write much anymore. Maybe he’s writing another book. Hope so.

5 08 2010
Sten

I don’t even bother reading the others, but Jack always made me laugh, or at least gave me something to think about. Might have to go to the bookshop this arvo and see if I can find Australian Tragic.

Truly, he is Australia’s most underrated satirist.

4 08 2010
Jen

My thoughts exactly – Fairfax doesn’t publish the daily telegraph or the herald sun. Or news.com.au.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I was sort of hoping this would be a post on trainers/motivators. I work in a sales industry and these f*ckheads drive me nuts. I want to Stilly the carnts. The day I need some amped up bogan to motivate me or tell me what to do will be a long jump with a short rope. Motivational books tapes etc I consider the same as Hillsong etc, a crutch for the inept.

Personal trainers are in the same class. I do not need some roided up Tatt monster to make me exersize. Guess that means I am not a bogan, happy days.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

PTs. I effing hate those cock garages. I’ve had only one, and he fits your description so nicely Simon, that I am happy to tar them all with the same brush.

4 08 2010
Jimmy

What the hell is a “cock garage”?

:0

4 08 2010
Shirley M

A place where you can park your cock, of course.

4 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

#164 – Personal Trainers

The bogan is a walking contradiction. Whilst he would love to get huge he actually just has massive cans. With a trip to Thailand coming up the bogan harbours ambitions of picking up a hot Asian chick on the pavement outside the local nightclub. Unfortunately the bogan finds it hard to leave its grand sitting area and engage in actual exercise, preferring to eat Krispy Kremes and watch Brendon Fevola in 3d. In steps the Personal Trainer to the rescue.

A curious sub species of bogan, adapt at snowboarding, owning more self help books than Max Marxxson and covered in tribal tattoos or tramp stamps, they watched the biggest loser, attended a short course and hey presto can now help fat, slothful bogans spend the money they earnt working in the mines whilst providing no tangible benefits. The femmebogue envisions looking like Sarah Jessica Parker and wistfully dreams of Shannon sneaking up behind her whilst she is practicing the squatting dog pose and rocking her ballet to the maxxtreme.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Bravo, Simon!

4 08 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
Simon does sound a trifle too familiar with the scene ?

4 08 2010
Dgusten

Love it. The attitude of “I have done a 6 week course and now I know so much more than you about health and fitness”.
Except that you don’t actually know anything about anatomy or biochemistry, do you?

4 08 2010
pb

i did a health gen ed subject in my undergrad – 14 weeks long, i must be super qualified! i’ll be setting up my personal training and diet consultancy by the end of the week.

5 08 2010
vivisection

PB – no need, we have the lemon detox diet. What else could we possibly require.

5 08 2010
pb

the full depth of my 14 weeks of two-hour long classes i barely listened to, that’s what you require vivi. how could you doubt your need or my ability to fulfil it?

5 08 2010
vivisection

Well, if you barely listened to it, then you might be more reliable than Tania Zaietta (or whoever the army gang bang gal that shills lemon detox is). Maybe I could do both at the same for extra quick results. Sign me up PB, my health and well being is in your hands – I want massive weightloss, massive guns, a luverly orange healthy glow and to fit into my mothers wedding mini skirt (that’s right, mini skirt – she was only 4 months “late”) by the end of next week. And I’d like results as I watch tv.

5 08 2010
Mandi

How a box of Krispy Kremes to celebrate your detox, coz youse earned it!

5 08 2010
Mandi

*about

5 08 2010
vivisection

well, if you insist…

5 08 2010
pb

you’ll be happy to know, vivi, that krispy kremes are not just allowed but mandatory in my brand new patented MAXhappy life system. the MAXhappy life system teaches that weight loss comes about through what i like to call processed cheer – all your krispy kremes and fast foods being fantastic sources of said cheer. and it is guaranteed to bring out that orange glow you desire.

5 08 2010
James Hunter

If a carton of Krispy Kremes is to be eaten then at least 10 ltr of diet coke to wash them down would be mandatory ?

5 08 2010
pb

no, there is a very special drink with secret superfood extracts that is key to the MAXhappy life system. of course, these extracts are top secret so i can’t tell you what they are, but i can tell you they’re only harvested on a full moon to ensure the highest levels of lunar power.

6 08 2010
vivisection

Do the secret Maxhappy drinks come in little bottles. Please,please,please say yes! I’ll take a years worth please.

4 08 2010
Tone

I was expecting that the femmebogue would be dreaming of Shannon in the context of Blog Entry #124. Whilst the ending was a surprise, it wasn’t terribly strong. Other than that, it came across well enough for me to struggle to tell the difference between an official TBL blog entry and unsanctioned fanfiction.

8/10.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Tone, I was alluding to #124 but perhaps I was a bit soft.

Rewrite

The femmebogue envisions looking like Sarah Jessica Parker and wistfully dreams of Shannon sneaking up behind her whilst she is practicing the squatting dog and savagely rodgering her.

4 08 2010
Tone

Now it’s a 9.

4 08 2010
Sten

Well done, sir!

4 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Quite good, Simon. However, I’m sure you meant ‘adept’ rather than ‘adapt’.

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Correct, it was a bit rushed.

5 08 2010
gordie

that is hilarious and so accurate!
but i have to confess i have a snowboard loving PT myself !

4 08 2010
erin

“sitting at work browsing a Fairfax news site”… Made me laugh.

4 08 2010
Benny Hill

Bit close to home.

4 08 2010
Michael C. Donovan
4 08 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

The Bogan Bribe Watch should be interesting this week – we are finally starting to get some real bribes happening. Ms Gillard’s is particularly interesting.

http://www.news.com.au/features/federal-election/gillard-gives-families-a-cash-boost-as-abbott-goes-grey/story-e6frfllr-1225901023565

4 08 2010
urbanreverie

Families, families, families again. Anybody want to join me in forming an Australian Singles Union?

Singles are so marginalised and ignored nowadays, it’s a wonder that Kraft’s cheese division doesn’t go out of business.

4 08 2010
Sten

Didn’t you know? They shoot singles and we end up wrapped in plastic to feed the Bogan masses who wouldn’t know a decent cheese if someone drove a truckload of it into them at high speed.

I like your idea though.

4 08 2010
Antosha

Sign me up Sir Urban !!!

(However Mrs Antosha, although not as yet wearing any diamonds.. might be slightly annoyed!)

4 08 2010
martin

Singles are here to pay for the inbreds to breed. We won’t do it because we have too much self respect to bring a child into this shithole country. I mean unless you’re rich you’d basically have to bring your child up to be a bogan so they won’t become alienated, bullied and ostracised.

4 08 2010
brad

maybe when you reach your 20s Martin you may think differently.

4 08 2010
brad

maybe when you reach adulthood martin you may think differently?

5 08 2010
gordie

sign me up too!

4 08 2010
urbanreverie

Good work, TBL.

While on the subject of the employment industry – I’d like to suggest that working for an employment service is a Thing Bogans Like. I don’t believe there are currently any statutory or contractual requirements to have qualifications to work for a government-funded Job Services Australia agency, and it shows. The stories I could tell you about those useless, uneducated, unqualified, uninformed, nail-filing boguettes and spiky-haired bogans! The same goes for the private-sector office temping agencies too.

Of course, not all employment services workers are bogan, and the people at the Catholic Church-affiliated agency I’m currently a client of are wonderful, because they believe in hiring suitably qualified staff. But man … the other places! *shudder*

And what is it with these wanky new job titles? Why is the bogan so desperate for status which it simply does not deserve, a fact that these corporations use to make the bogan more content and pliable at work? Why has it even spread to the universities sector, where even minor faculty clerical staff are “Directors of X” or “Facilitators of Y”? Why this constant need to have these stupid job titles to boost your fragile self-esteem? Why! WHY!!!!!! I don’t get it. I don’t get this whole obsession with status. Stop the world, I want to get off at the next station!

4 08 2010
the trav

the wanky titles on your CV/resume then the greater the chances that you’ll get that high flying maxxxtreme high paying postition, a personal assistant with “massive cans” and an unlimited expense card, without qualitification, expereince or a clue.

4 08 2010
martin

You be the next CEO of Telstra. Make it much much worse, and get paid $20 million. Then call everyone a racist to try and hide how much you suck.

4 08 2010
the trav

LOL. how that company is still in business i have no idea?? Telstra thinks thet can change a premium price for all their products yet deliver one that is sub-par. I got rid of telstra a long time ago and went with smaller telcos for my home/mobiles/internet etc and save money every month and never has an issue.

I have a friend who works for telstra (in marketing funnily enough) and he said it is a shambles, people being promoted to management positions and then spend all their time trying it get a higher position neglecting their staff/area in the process, then when things turn to shit blaming the said staff and”resructuring” to make themselves looks semi-compatent.

4 08 2010
martin

I can only get cable so I have telstra. It’s always been expensive but it’s been reliable. But this year, it’s been terrible, I’ve had about 10 dropouts, some of which were because they were doing upgrading or something or other, so I ring support and they send someone out, so they can’t even communicate with each other.

4 08 2010
Antosha

As a long suffering Telstra shareholder (T1… not T2 thank God).. I sigh with disdain whenever I read about that Company.

You make a good point.. how they still operate is beyond me. The legacy of decades as a monopoly I guess.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

News from Darwin – Woman tortured with Lady GaGa Cd!!!! Was this you Viv?

Ms dos Santos said Mr Tran beat her in the back with a meat cleaver, threatened her with a samurai sword and burnt her arm with a cigarette.

Ms dos Santos said the couple had a Lady Gaga CD playing loudly.

“I was screaming,” she said. “I was hoping maybe somebody would break down the door and help me.”

4 08 2010
Tone

On a vaguely related note, I remember reading that the favourite CD of one of the Snowtown killers was ‘Throwing Copper’ by Live, and it was played loudly during at least one of the killings.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Wow, that’s harsh having that as the last thing you ever hear.

4 08 2010
pb

that brings my number of interesting facts about live up to two – the other fact being two members of the band are named chad.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Like wise the Nickleback wanker. Being called Chad is a bad start to life that’s for sure.

4 08 2010
pb

i certainly don’t know of anybody named chad who isn’t a wanker.

11 02 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

My best mate is named Chad, he turned out OK for the most part.

4 08 2010
vivisection

Good work, I wish it had been me, I’d get her with a bag of oranges though, and a phone book. A GaGa soundtrack is perfect for a beating. Sounds very Tarantino.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

I was once tortured with the Candy Flip version of Strawberry Fields Forever. Put that on the CD.

4 08 2010
vivisection

We should release a soundtrack for Bogan Beatings and Massacres.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ok, I’ll play.

John Farnham – Touch of Paradise

4 08 2010
vivisection

Surely there is something mentioned in the Geneva Convention preventing that.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Phil Collins – In the air tonight

4 08 2010
vivisection

Very American Psycho – wasn’t the character in that obsessed with Phil Collins and Gensis? Been a long time since i read it.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Phil Colins would twist your mind no doubt. On that note he has just released the 98367th Motown tribute record! The last resort of the truly talentless.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Twas Huey Lewis and the News.

4 08 2010
Whistling Nixie

But he also had the rough threesome with the hookers, accompanied by “Susudio”.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Bette Midler – Wind beneath my wings

4 08 2010
vivisection

Ian Moss – Telephone Booth on A Highway and /or Tuckers Daughter – death would be a mercy.

4 08 2010
vivisection

Kate Ceberano – Young Boys

4 08 2010
the trav

now come on, your getting too sado machicistic now

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Collette – Ring my Bell

4 08 2010
vivisection

Do They Know Its Christmas? – Live Aid

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh Nasty.

George Michael – Last Christmas

4 08 2010
the trav

complete with film clip palying on loop

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Dude, you’re sick.

4 08 2010
vivisection

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? – Culture Club – perfect for administering a beating

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Kim Carnes – Betty Davis Eyes

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Great song! Shut up!

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

She did the theme for Baywatch season 1. Who would have thought a Hoff song would be an improvement.

4 08 2010
brad

with you Shirley. had a major crush on her as a youngster so dont ruin it for me Simon.

5 08 2010
AntiPajero

What about Gwynneth Paltrow – Betty Davis Eyes…?

4 08 2010
vivisection

Its a Great Gift – all fav 80’s classics! Perfect for Tendorising Bogans.

4 08 2010
vivisection

The DVD could have sing -a- long bouncing ball at the bottom of the screen – to help set a rhythm.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Didn’t someone yesterday say the 80’s was a musical highwater mark. I beg to differ and offer you Kenny Logins – Dangerzone as proof positive.

4 08 2010
vivisection

What’s you point – Dangerzone is a classic? Just like “the Heat Is On”, it sets a pace and can be used by K-Mart to alert staff that shoplifters are about or there is a fire .

4 08 2010
pb

but it is the perfect song to open bogan beatings and massacres.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sorry Viv, are you a Top Gun Fan? Do you own Berlin’s Take my Breath Away?

4 08 2010
Pandabater

Starship, We Built This City.

4 08 2010
vivisection

Doesn’t everybody? You can criticise Top Gun when you can act better than Tom.

4 08 2010
vivisection

The Final Countdown should be last track on the Soundtrack, Dangerzone would be a good opener.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Now that was uncalled for Panda!

4 08 2010
Tone

Achey Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus

4 08 2010
vivisection

Teardrop – Womak Vs Womak

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Not complete without Cherry Pie by Warrant.

4 08 2010
vivisection

Crazy Frog should be the encore hidden track

4 08 2010
vivisection

Simon, you leave Cherry Pie well alone out of it – twice this week I’ve had to defend Cherry Pie, and its only wednesday. what is wrong with you people!!!

4 08 2010
Pandabater

Kiss. God Made Rock ‘n’ Roll For You.
Good pounding rhythm & a sh!t song.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Twisted Sister – We’re not going to take it.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Panda – We Built This City comes close to being the worst song EVAH!

4 08 2010
Shirley M

I Feel Like A Woman – Shania and Jenny From The Block – J-Lo.

4 08 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. Anything by Powderfinger.

4 08 2010
brad

Train-Drops of Jupiter

4 08 2010
??

Living On a Prayer – Bon Jovi

5 08 2010
Tombarina

Shut UP!

I won’t hear a word against the Jove.

*recommences rummaging through Lifeline bins in search of acidwash to wear to concert in December*

4 08 2010
Tone

Rod Stewart – Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?

Actually, that’s probably more appropriate for a violent sexual assault rather than a common garden variety beating and/or killing/

4 08 2010
vivisection

Tone : For the Christmas Album perhaps.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

As used by proffesionals!!!!!

U.S. military interrogators have often blasted music at detainees in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay. According to the British law group Reprieve, these are among the songs they have used most frequently:

• “Enter Sandman,” Metallica.

• “Bodies,” Drowning Pool.

• “Shoot to Thrill,” AC/DC.

• “Hell’s Bells,” AC/DC.

• “I Love You,” from the “Barney and Friends” children’s TV show.

• “Born in the USA,” Bruce Springsteen.

• “Babylon,” David Gray.

• “White America,” Eminem.

• “Sesame Street,” theme song from the children’s TV show.

Other bands and artists whose music has been frequently played at U.S. detention sites: Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Don McLean, Lil’ Kim, Limp Bizkit, Meat Loaf, Rage Against the Machine, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Tupac Shakur.

4 08 2010
Sten

Ooh… I’d love to send a packed Hillsong church off with a flamethrower while the stereo belts out “Leper Messiah”, from Metallica’s Master Of Puppets album (their finest hour).

5 08 2010
MIck Thick

If I ever go on a mass murder spree, Master of Puppets will be playing on the headphones, in particular the song Orion. I would only stop to reload and air guitar during the bitchin solos.

5 08 2010
Sten

Ah yes, Mick, Orion is my favourite instrumental.

6 08 2010
Mick

Hillsong choirs play Metallica guitar solos on their kazoos.

You need Rammstein.

6 08 2010
James Hunter

Mick,
Sure you don’t need therapy ?

6 08 2010
Mick

If i said yes would I still need it?

6 08 2010
James Hunter

If I said no would I ?

6 08 2010
vivisection

No you need My Life With A Thrill Kill Kult to take out a Hillsong congregation, maybe “Cooler than J#sus”

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv,

You need this to ease your tortured mind.

(\~~/)
(=’.’=)
(“) (“)~~

6 08 2010
vivisection

You are too kind. @~@

6 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Perhaps a bit of Captain and Tenille as well?

10 08 2010
brad

Phantom Lord

4 08 2010
Tone

“Now That’s What I Call Torture: Volume 2”

4 08 2010
vivisection

Volume 3 – “Summertime Hits and Lost Memories”

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Torture Remixed – The chop and Grind version.

4 08 2010
Pandabater

Black and Blue

5 08 2010
AntiPajero

Chairmen of the Waterboard

4 08 2010
pb

well, it can go on a second album, along with hinder’s lips of an angel or whatever it was called. i swear that guy’s voice is exactly the sort of voice i’d expect of someone who stalks rapes and murders women.

4 08 2010
vivisection

Doesn’t Your Mum deserve “Stalking,Rape and Murder” this Christmas? Out now! At all good retailers. Opening track, Madonna – Like A Virgin

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

How did Cher escape the list?

4 08 2010
Tone

The same could be said for Creed, Kings of Leon and Nickelback. I’m a bit embarrassed that ‘With Arms Wide Open’ and ‘Sex On Fire’ haven’t made the list. I’m guessing those two tracks will end up on Volume 5.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh yeah, they are in.

Volume 5 – Music to Self Mutilate to.

Noiseworks – Take me Back

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Neil Young – Heart of Gold

Hold On – by those 3 sluts whose name escapes me.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Wilson Phillip!

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ok, I’ll let up on Charlene, that touches a nerve Shirl.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Sorry Simon, but I do truly hate that song.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I don’t blame you. Wilson Philips do suck.

4 08 2010
The Battlers Prince

Noiseworks – Reach Out

More late 80s/early 90s piano…reminds me of the Baywatch theme…

4 08 2010
Sten

“Sex on Fire” is what you’d use while hosing down a Bogue-choked STI clinic with an AK47.

5 08 2010
vivisection

Hey , I work in an STI clinic! 85% bogue free though because it’s private.

5 08 2010
Sten

Viv, I’m not saying STI clinics are inherently Bogue, more that the Bogue’s way of life would require regular visits to said clinics.

If I ever get hold of the AK, let me know which clinic you work at, so I don’t inadvertantly shoot it up. 😀

5 08 2010
vivisection

Better still, you tell me when you are going on rampage, and I’ll take the day off.

5 08 2010
Sten

Ha! Hate your job, eh? Or is it just your particular workplace?

6 08 2010
vivisection

Actually I really like it. I wouldn’t consider leaving this job unless their was an exceptional reason. I just thought I’d make it easier for you. It’s hard enough to plan a massacre without having to remember where you cant go.

5 08 2010
pb

after the rod stewart original of do ya think i’m sexy? we could include the 90s remake by n-trance.

4 08 2010
Chairman Miaow

Gleaned from World’;s Crappiest Songs site…

some agreeably dreadful blights on humanity:
1. MacArthur Park – Richard Harris or Donna Summer
2. I’ve Never Been To Me – Charlene
3. Lovin’ You – Minnie Riperton
4. Seasons In The Sun – Terry Jacks
5. Popozao – Kevin Federline
6. Muskrat Love – Captain and Tenille
7. You Must Love Me – Madonna
8. Sometimes When We Touch – Dan Hill
9. I Am… I Said – Neil Diamond
10. Ebony and Ivory – Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
11. Afternoon Delight – Starland Vocal Band
12. Feelings – Morris Albert
13. Honey – Bobby Goldsboro
14. Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus
15. Disco Duck – Rick Dees
16. A Horse With No Name – America
17. My Humps – Black Eyed Peas
18. Morning Train (9 to 5) – Sheena Easton
19. You Light Up My Life – Debbie Boone (OSCAR WINNING SONG)
20. Boogie Oogie Oogie – A Taste of Honey

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That’s taken care of volume 4.

Ah Charlene – a song about female masterbation

4 08 2010
Tone

I didn’t know that. I knew that ‘She Bop’ by Cyndi Lauper was about self-administered grape polishing, but I didn’t know that about Charlene.

What I CAN tell you about that song is that the reason it sounded so horribly out of date in 1982 is because it was originally recorded in 1977, and failed miserably. What I CAN’T explain is how a song that was so bad AND so out of date managed to do so well the second time it attempted to escape from the studio.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

It’s not about female masturbation at all!

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

When I listen to it it is!!!

4 08 2010
Shirley M

It’s about being a loveless, homewrecking whore.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’ve spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free

Then explain this line?

4 08 2010
Shirley M

It means she slept around so much that she lost her youth, her heart and her soul. Poor bitch.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

She was diddling herself.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

If that were the case, the song would be ‘I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve only been to me’.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No, she was fretting that she had never fully satisfied herself.

4 08 2010
Tone

“I’ve Never Been To Me”, or “She Bop”? Perhaps we’re overestimating the depth of late 70s-early 80s pop metaphors? FFS, nobody figured out that the Village People were a bunch of raving whoopsies until well into the 1990s.

5 08 2010
vivisection

Turning Japanese was about masturbation. And Charlene wasn’t a dirty bitch, she may have been a repentive home wrecking whore, but her hands were always clean. Like her pretty hair.

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You made that up Viv!

5 08 2010
Shirley M

The bit about Turning Japanese? Nah-ah, Simon. Completely true.

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I thought it was about a dude going bonkers about a chick and being housed in an asylum, see lyric below

I’ve got your picture, I’ve got your picture
I’d like a million of them all round my cell

What he did in said asylum may be another matter……..

5 08 2010
vivisection

T’is the truth Simon, the dirty hound wanted, and I quote : ” A Dr to take your picture, so I can look at you from the inside as well” and then he wanked and looked Japanese. That’s what happened. I wouldn’t make that kind of filth up. Mine would be filthier, and less racist.

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I figured the girl was a hot asian chick and rejected him so he went insane and tranformed into a Japanese man. But I may have to concede your point.

I’m right about Charlene though!

5 08 2010
vivisection

No your not – it’s a christian, anti abortion song – I love it. She bangs on about :”crying for unborn children” – because she binned em. You’d be pretty perverse to cry about unborn children while clicking your mouse. Not that I judge.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

I love ‘I’ve Never Been To Me’. LOVE IT!

4 08 2010
The Battlers Prince

I know this is really asking you all to remember back, but what about the Australian answer to Stevie Nicks, Gyan, with her one hit wonder “Wait”?
The clip was just lots of pseudo-new age spirituality: dark rooms, candles, dancing on the clifftops of Kiama (a bogan holiday stronghold) and hints of progressive piano riffs that would come soon to dominate the music of the early to mid 90s…

Has TBL done New Age Sprituality yet? All those gems, stones, dreamcatchers and candles…you know…crap…

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Oh god, I remember. The pain, the pain.

4 08 2010
The Battlers Prince

Richard Marx – Right Here Waiting For You

More proof to my late 80s/early 90s piano theory…

4 08 2010
Shirley M

And Hazard. Oh how I loathe that song.

4 08 2010
The Battlers Prince

Who did kill Mary?

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Michael Bolton – How am I supposed to live without you.

Top that f*ckers

4 08 2010
The Battlers Prince

I’ll see your Michael Bolton and go one better from the same catalogue:

Michael Bolton – How Can We Be Lovers

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Tough call. I will stick with my choice for the way he tortures the song, How Can is more upbeat

4 08 2010
The Battlers Prince

Each to their own, I respect a man who knows their shit music…it’s not a subject most gloat about….

Daryl Braithwaite – The Horses

My mates went to Souths Juniors (leagues club for those not familiar with Sydney) to go see Daryl perform…mainly for The Horses and One Summer. Of course, he wanted to play the crap off his new album, and the audience weren’t up for that at all. They would intermittently call out to play either one of those two song or something from the Sherbet catalogue….hilarious for the self aware observer…

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I grew up with Countdown.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

5 08 2010
Tombarina

&$(king WHITESNAKE? That was utterly uncalled-for, Chub.

Just because it’s your birthday, it doesn’t mean you get to be a bastard to others.

5 08 2010
martin

What about

“We’re not gonna take it” by Twisted Sister

One of the first hair metal anthems.

5 08 2010
vivisection

I recently made a hair metal compilation on my Ipod – Twisted Sister, Cherry Pie, Paradise City, Kiss to name a few. Every now and then you need a bit of tacky hair metal to get you through the hard times! I have Poison’s “Look What The Cat Dragged In” on vinyl – hilarious – they are all dressed liked phone sex gals / Gold Coast Meter Maids. Did they have an inkling on how awful they are? I hope not.

5 08 2010
Shirley M

Was ‘Hot For Teacher’ on your list? I love that song.

5 08 2010
vivisection

It soon will be!

5 08 2010
martin

I have a few hair songs on my computer. Yes there’s nothing like a bit of good cheesy fun to pick you up a bit. Def Leppard, Poison and errr, the one that Pamela Andersons ex husband was in.

The funny thing is they all did about one or two good songs. All the rest were shit. But you can certainly make an album and a good hour or so of fun out of it.

I don’t have an ipod, I need to be drunk, at least 6 beers drunk, to get into it.

5 08 2010
lol-plates

no wasp?????
F*&k like a beast <- mad song
Hellion
wild child

1 09 2010
Belinda

Agreed lol-plates gr8 song.

I loved Harder Faster and I must’ve dedicated a couple years to watching Live..in the Raw on VCR back in the day!

Oh it was good to be a headbanger back then..

Oh this post looks old, I am still catching up from a period of non-reading, my apologies, I couldn’t resist 🙂

Gosh, I adore this site and the latest offerings have been above par TBL, as always.. WELL DONE!

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Worst song ever.

4 08 2010
the trav

think were getting a bit off topic

4 08 2010
Pandabater

Who sings that?

4 08 2010
The Battlers Prince

*snap*

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

I’ve got the power.
Rhythm is a dancer.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

4 08 2010
Sten

Screw this. I love Ween, but I’m aware the average Bogue would probably rather snort a shoebox full of Draino rather than listen to them.

So let the Bogues do that while I chill with a nice Pale Ale and listen to Ween.

4 08 2010
the trav

“Push the Little daisies and make ’em come up” that song always reminds me of Gibert Godfrieds and vice versa.

4 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m a bit of a piss up a rope fan or voodo lady.

5 08 2010
Sten

Yeah, Voodoo Lady rocks.

4 08 2010
Shirley M

Oh Sten, a man after my own heart. I love Ween as much as I love my child, and possibly more than I love his daddy.

4 08 2010
Tallbastardos

I have a sock worn by Gene Ween and autographed by Claude the drummer twice, once when they were here recently and once from 10 years before. Top that!

5 08 2010
Shirley M

I can’t top that. Unless you count being spat on by Dean. Not out of malice. I was standing directly in front of him when they played here last time, and I copped the spray as he sang ‘My Own Bare Hands’.

5 08 2010
martin

Ween were cool. Or at least that song was. I loved my libtard JJJ music back in those days.

Anyone remember Cartoon?

http://rateyourmusic.com/release/album/cartoon__aus_/ovine_bovine/

It had the song “I can never find the time”.

The Breeders, Custard, Veruca Salt, Janes Addiction. Cool man!

5 08 2010
Shirley M

ARE cool.

5 08 2010
Sten

Good grief, Shirley. You’re obviously a much bigger fan than I. Though of course, if I had a sprog, it would’ve been sacrificed to The Boognish long ago.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

pffft.
not a mention of Whitesnake.
all too obvious.

Dean and Gene lie awake at 3am dreaming they’re half as talented as Wayne Coyne.

It’s my Birthday!
yay!
pay homage peasants.

please. I have a very weak ego…

5 08 2010
Shirley M

Happy birthday dude. May your day be filled with shits and giggles.

You’re wrong about Gene and Dean.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

Muchas Gracias Amigo
a really profound evacuation always makes me giggle.
So, Cheers!

I’ll see your “Voodoo Lady” and raise you a “Tangerine”

5 08 2010
Shirley M

The Flaming Lips are a very f*cking special band, no doubt about it. I’m a huge fan, and reminiscing about the time I saw them live induces a state of euphoria for me. I will maintain however, that Deaner and Gener are in no way less talented than Mr. Coyne. In fact, I hold the firm belief that Dean is the most underrated guitarist alive, and should be hailed as one of the top ten rock guitarists in history.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

I defer to your obviously more passionate examination.
Rock On Weeners!

5 08 2010
vivisection

Happy Birthday Chubby !!

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

And a sincere and wholesome Festivus to you Viv.
thankyou.

5 08 2010
Tombarina

My wish for you is a smorgasbord of pleasant mind-altering experiences, some bogues to mock from afar, and a wonderful day with the gorgeous Edna.

x

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

Thanks Tomba.
I broke the rules and started early. *blush*
I’m just so naughty.
and
the gorgeous Edna has a variety of talents for making a special day that little more specia.l
it’s a happy chubby we find crouching in the vestibule of the tent.
Even went to the trubble of setting the laptop up.
Crazy thing…
the backlight/inverter/panel or whatever was dying (black screen) so I was hooking up the laptop up to the little flat panel tv which was a bit of a drag since I also have all my media on an external HD, so the whole thing ends up in a giant spaghetti of cables all running off a 600w pure sine wave inverter through an 80amp/hour deep cycle gel battery pack. Just to get a reply button.
But anyway, last night by accident I figured out if I just turn down the brightness on the screen it doesn’t black out!
that’s a Top Tech Tip.
where was I?

hmm
a final playdate with some devious chums today and we are off to the wild west and no doubt in the digital wilderness until darwin.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

oh…
and bogue mocking!
we were trapped in close proximity to a bogue for a bit yesterday.
Things Bogans Like: Saying “F#ck That”
“yarp yarp blah blah f#ck that! was I gunna blah yarp rant? f#ck that! I said f#ckin f#ck that c#nt. eh? f#ck that! they want me to yip, yarp, rant, blah! F#CK THAT!”

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Happy birthday Chub.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

thankyou Simon.
give me a birthday song music meister.

(chubby is brought to you by bacon, coffee and the Fine Young Cannabis)

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Try this Chub.

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Or this, greatest Aussie rock song evah!

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

clear your clipboard simon.

did you mean this:

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

now that’s kwaye!

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No not really, but here is a happy birthday song for you.

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shit, perhaps this

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

dig muppets
secretly in love with the muppet movie.
“A bear in his natural habitat: a studebaker”

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

bloodfart & Focke-Witte out.

5 08 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Say hello to Nimrod Gympie for us all.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

full points for Pixies.
thanks simon.

5 08 2010
Sten

Happy Birthday, Chubby. Have one for me, will ya?

Ah, bugger that. The A-League starts tonight, I’LL have one for me.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

Anyway, back on topic:

Zen teachers train their young pupils to express themselves. Two Zen temples each had a child protégé. One child, going to obtain vegetables each morning, would meet the other on the way.
“Where are you going?” asked the one.
“I am going wherever my feet go,” the other responded.
This reply puzzled the first child who went to his teacher for help. “Tomorrow morning,” the teacher told him, “when you meet that little fellow, ask him the same question. He will give you the same answer, and then you ask him: ‘Suppose you have no feet, then where are you going?’ That will fix him.”
The children met again the following morning.
“Where are you going?” asked the first child.
“I am going wherever the wind blows,” answered the other.
This again nonplussed the youngster, who took his defeat to his teacher.
“Ask him where he is going if there is no wind,” suggested the teacher.
The next day the children met a third time.
“Where are you going?” asked the first child.

“I am going to the market to buy vegetables,” the other replied.

from “101 Zen Stories”

5 08 2010
vivisection

Nobody likes a smartarse. That’s what the teacher should have taught him!

5 08 2010
Mick

Tao kiddie would have grown his own veges and ignored the smartarse zen kiddie.

5 08 2010
vivisection

Shao Lin kiddie woulda kicked some maxxxxtreme whooopass.

5 08 2010
Sten

Western kiddie would’ve blown the cheeky little shit away with a shotgun.

5 08 2010
vivisection

or glassed the caarnt!

5 08 2010
Sten

Too true, forgot about that!

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

beautiful Mick.
you are one deep well dude.

5 08 2010
Mick

Not deep chubby. I adopt things that fit me.

Many times all I have wanted to do is live in a cave and have a hedgehog as my best friend. Just me and nature. The good people at Tao Inc seem to understand that.

5 08 2010
Shirley M

I have received a communique from my employer this morning instructing me to plan a ‘crazy fun’ workshop for some poor saps. I have to come up with wacky animal team names, zany penalty challenges such as ‘give us your best Elvis impersonation’ and a fun quiz about musicals and shopping in Melbourne. How any of this is supposed to make them do their jobs better, I don’t really know. I’m just pleased I won’t actually be there.

5 08 2010
vivisection

Oooh, one my previous employer made people do was to have a drumming workshop and performance. Make them do it! It will kill them. Yes Bongo drums for all, followed by a cross dressing ball. Oh the hilarity that will ensue. (i’ve seen photos of both of these events – my eyes….)

or
for a reasonable fee and flights, I will come and teach them all Maxxxxtreme Lapole Dancing – remember it – Lap dancing x Pole dancing. Perfect for today’s busy executive at risk of Type 2 Fatfuckeritis.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

lucky miss.
wow I just thought; a seminar would be an excellent venue for a paintball assault!
something with a mobile phone company, some middle management “sales” bunstruggle. Kick the door in and paintball every last motherscratcher in the room, drop a smoke grenade and leggit!

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

no head shots.
keep it fun and safe kiddies.

5 08 2010
Mandi

Have you ever watched a show called ‘Community’? Oh the paintballing episode was brilliant.

5 08 2010
pb

don’t worry shirley, we can help you come up with something. i’m thinking alliteration for the animal team names, such as the leaping llamas of latvia, gurning gerbils of gibraltar, and asthmatic alligators of the arctic.

5 08 2010
Shirley M

This is why I ❤ you guys.

5 08 2010
pb

what can i say? i’m just a lovely giving person. and i’m avoiding writing the proposal i’m meant to be doing right now.
so for ‘zany’ penalty challenges, i think there needs to be juggling of some ridiculous items. or one that just occured to me inspired by a toothbrush ad on the smh website – one team member has to brush another team member’s teeth while blindfolded. they’ll think it’s the height of hilarity. and it’ll improve their dental hygeine, no doubt.

5 08 2010
Sten

The Bumf*cking Baboons of Burkina Faso, perhaps?

5 08 2010
martin

Oh no. I think conservative will be the new black, as they say. Man I’d rather work.

5 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

oh my god.
want to feel like a bogan?
get your newly pregnant, athletic figured wife to put on her only “push up” bra!
God how we larfed!
Edna “Boom Boom” Focke-Witte

5 08 2010
Mandi

That’s a mental image I could have done without… I once shoved pillow stuffing down my top and did my best trout pout to approximate most female facebook profile pics. My partner put it on his phone and now shows EVERYONE

5 08 2010
James Hunter

It is off topic but I had to share this.
“Herald Sun
….a German “couple” lost control of their car on a bend .. 150mtr down a ravine… rescue…

How do a “Couple ” drive a car ?? sounds like unsafe sharing with two behind the wheel ?

5 08 2010
5 08 2010
vivisection

Where’s the cynical b@stard who tells you you are a knob? Oh, here I am. You can call me Number 11

5 08 2010
the trav

any career asperations that involve surrrounding yourself with pretentious knobs is surely not worth it.

30 08 2010
Twiggy Forrest

That photo is fucking genius

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