#9 – Getting Huge

26 10 2009

Gym attendance is a positive activity that can bring with it health and wellbeing benefits that extend across the lifespan. It’s great for the metabolism, bone density, and blood pressure, but these factors are entirely unrelated to why the male bogan joins the gym. He’s there to get HUGE. The bogan, with his poor coping skills and tendency to act impulsively, identifies the need to become the largest gladiator in the nightclub, both to catch the eye of the female bogan, and to become physically dominant over the other males. As with many other aspects of his life, he exhibits no subtlety or moderation; he craves the extreme.

Would YOU tell this guy he's a bogan?At the gym, the male bogan can generally be found near a mirror, dramatically swinging the largest dumbells he can pick up. Rather than working on his entire physique, the bogan exclusively targets the parts of the body that can protrude from a tight Ed Hardy t-shirt, creating an odd sense of proportion. As a result, he can always be seen working out in a skimpy singlet, but loose pants.

The bogan’s inability to resist an impossibly good shortcut will sometimes lead him to getting on the ‘roids, which speed up the process of getting huge, and reduce the amount of work required. The downsides, such as erectile dysfunction, testicular atrophy, paranoia, and increased aggression are dismissed. Once the bogan achieves a large size in the chest and biceps, he is then ready to apply his Ed Hardy and head to the nightclub with his boys. Normally, someone that got this large would consider getting serious about bodybuilding, but the dieting, lower body work, and discipline required to earn a bodybuilder’s lean physique are sacrifices a bogan is unwilling to make. Besides, if he can’t instigate drunken brawls and then wolf down a souvlaki in a popular nightclub district, what’s the point of getting huge in the first place?


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36 responses

26 10 2009
Mel

lol, the guy in the photo is pretty messed up.

26 10 2009
gareth

in my experience the gym bogan focuses exclusively on the chest and bicep region, and regards any other male who does cardio work as a “poof”.

4 11 2009
Classic

haha spot on Gareth

27 05 2010
TheMon

Absolutely! It’s all about the chest & the guns. Never mind that your legs look like little toothpicks. The bogan thinks nobody will notice. Such a good look. (not!)

29 10 2009
Nick

lol, i want a haircut like him. that is freaking awesome.

1 11 2009
Lee

I really dont know any true bogans as described above, plenty of wankers though and you will find them at any gym.

1 11 2009
Virginia

I have noticed the opposite – most bogans are junk food addicts with bad skin and flabby stomachs. I see a few WOGANS at the gym, but they’re a different breed altogether.

1 11 2009
Anouk

Ouch. Ladies & gents, the picture used in this article is one of “Gunter Schlierkamp” – a well renowned, world-class, Olympian competitor, now-retired, bodybuilder. Apart from the porno hairstyle that Germans can easily attain… he’s one of the friendliest, decent athletes you’ll see – youtube him.

As for bogans getting huge, lol, it will only last a month or two from taking excessive testosterone. They’ll blow up – what I like to refer to as mobile water carriers – appear big for a short while, then lose all the water retention they’re built up, and return to normal. But perhaps the excessive water under the skin MAY just expand internal skull volume in order for 3 extra brain cells to develop… hmmm – catch 22.

The discipline to eat 8 times a day (and train legs for that matter!) would not form part of their ‘extensive’ vocabulary! Using “bodybuilder” and “bogan” in the same sentence is almost as bad as “aussie” and “sheep shagger”!

10 02 2010
Tim D

He was also one of the behemoths in Beerfest! Noone should insult him solely for that reason.

(If I get called a bogan for liking that movie, so be it!)

2 11 2009
I've got balls of steel

In my experience, as a gym-goer and (occasional) nightclub patron, the new class of stylish bogan (becoming inseperable from the metrosexual) will focus on his arms but more on the neck muscles (trapezius if you care) which will fill out his fucking striped polo with incomprehensible, messy, ‘ironic’ print design. It’s about trying as hard as possible to create the impression that they’re not trying at all

2 11 2009
jack

bogans dont = metros
metros are what you are talking about, you are mixing them up

3 11 2009
James

Anouk,
You are a Bogan, you know way too much about bodybuilding and your name is Anouk. Case closed. (and as you would say.. lol)

3 11 2009
rustybeamish

Disagree. Anouk has clearly taken the time and effort to truly learn about what he’s doing, rather than just dumbly dabbling in it for a superficial quick-fix result. The new bogan is simply not capable of this type of dilligence and attention to detail.

4 11 2009
Classic

And clearly rustybeamish is a friend of Anouk’s…

4 11 2009
James

RustyBooner,

I lol in your face. This site is being infested by trash… Is your real name Wayne Carey? Come on fess-up. lovl in your face!.

James

7 06 2011
sunshineofyourlife

Anouk knows what he’s talking about. There’s a difference between USING and ABUSING steroids.

4 11 2009
Classic

Oh my god James, i just lost my shit at your post

8 11 2009
Augusta

bodybuilding requires dicipline, and those who put in the effort should be commended. who are you to judge how an individual wants to shape their body. you are probably an ashamed little pin dick, who doesn’t get noticed at ‘clubs’ then mutter to ur gay little friends how revolting the bodybuilders look.

As for the side effects of roids, don’t substitute popular belief for fact.

I would really like to see what ‘type of person’ you are…

8 11 2009
rustybeamish

You absolute struggler. Did you read my comment four comments above your one, about how I was differentiating between the commitment to full body excellence required to succeed in bodybuilding, and a meathead douche who just wants wide arms to pull chicks and start fights?
If you’re the latter, you’re a douchey bogan, and you’re just going to have to cope with what’s written about you.

24 11 2009
SPM

At our gym, they are referred to as the council workers, they all stand around and watch another guy lift a weight…. then take a break…
No consideration for anyone else in the gym!! They might as well bring along their own fold up chairs and esky!!

They’re all top heavy, legs like twigs and chest and arms the size of front rowers!!

16 12 2009
#49 – Faux Lesbianism « Things Bogans Like

[…] the most garish Ed Hardy t-shirt, the most fluorescent laces on its shiny new Dunlop Volleys, the biggest guns or the largest sunglasses, the bogan is living a constant audition to be a contestant on Big […]

26 12 2009
Matt

You people are a bunch of speds! This guy has completely re-written what bogan is. I have never seen a bogan with big muscles. NEVER! They are either obscenely skinny, or obscenely fat. They think they have better bodies than they do, and so they are comfortable with removing their shirts (much to everyone elses dismay). Bogans like cars in their price range (between a carton of rum and an old caravan for swapsies) ie, commodores up to VL, VL being their dream car. Bogans are into drinking, smoking, making absolutely no contribution to any cause other than their own, often resulting in anti-union action, because striking costs money to do. They do not know of the laughing stock that they are. They do not have the discipline, or the forward thinking necessary for self improvement. They definitely do not attend gyms, although most probably do, in fact, hold direct debit gym memberships. They often have a punching bag hanging from their patio cover, and maybe a rusty old weight set, but this is the full extend of their interest in exercise.
A bogan achieves dominance through the car he drives, and the amount of tattoos he wears, and the amount of fights he can fool people into believing he won. Thats it.

26 12 2009
Matt

The more I read, the more I get the impression that this is nothing more than a vent against all the things that make the author feel insecure about himself. I’d suggest that at some point, in his clearly conflicted life, he decided that he wasn’t going to feel guilty about his complete lack of aspiration, and commitment towards meeting any of societies strenuous expectations. Instead, he decided to write an article, which pokes fun at a comically pathetic, social subclassification, and defiantly drags a list of all the character traits which have for so long, been the source of the authors inner conflict, into that subclass. And then, to extend the radius, and to make it that little bit more offensive to all those who would otherwise make the author seem small, and insignificant, and further satiate the authors need to feel his own, home-made brand of easily achievable dominance, he points out a list of wider cultural ignorances, and falsely targets his fabricated subcategory as being guilty of these ignorances.

Keep an eye out for a future entry titled “conspiracy theories”. TBL

27 12 2009
Matt

Or maybe you just suck at your job, and already beat this one to death long ago.

Next. TBL

22 02 2010
Sam

Growing up in the western suburbs of Sydney, I have found beefing up at the gym to be more common in people with an ethnic background (I don’t want to be too specific about race), a few of them I have known to use steroids. A lot of Bogan’s firm physiques are a result of their tradie jobs and the rest are quite lanky.

3 03 2010
HappyFriend

Bogan’s firm physiques? They resemble barrels don’t they? What sort of physique do you get being a roof tiler, big hands?

1 04 2010
Mark

spot on, but you left out the part about the ridiculous and totally unnecessary grunting and groaning whilst lifting weights, just to make sure everyone else in the gym is watching them

27 05 2010
TheMon

I agree Mark! Some of these guys grunt so loudly it sounds as if they are having twins or feeling sharp objects being inserted in their sphincter.
I think the belief is: The louder I can grunt, the harder I am training.

3 05 2010
her

Ah. as a bogan myself, you are describing ‘jocks,’ not bogans. bogans can be jocks, and jocks can be bogans, but just because you are one doesn’t mean you are the other.

24 06 2010
David

This is largely representative of the ‘wog-bogan’ subcategory.

27 04 2011
SevenEleven

Or worse still, those that crowd around each other, supervising while one lifts the weights while the rest high five each other like twats

20 05 2011
ex-Brisvegasgirl

I left Oz 4 years ago, but was back in Brisvegas in December for Christmas and discovered a city littered with this exact type of guy! With the addition of tight shorts that finish above the knee to accentuate the chicken legs, thongs and a sleeve tatt the ensemble is complete! Although I may have stumbled on a completely different breed (??!), please correct me if I’m wrong! Loving this site though!

20 05 2011
Ash - Almighty Overlord Of Glassin' Carnts

Nope, that’s exactly what we’re talking about here. Stick around.

1 09 2011
Dave

Yeah last year I made the mistake of going to Stereosonic out at the Sydney Olympic park. At the time I had failed to appreciate that Zyzz-mentality of the western bogan, but your post summed it up nicely.

18 09 2011
Pete

I run a gym. I love my job, and I love weight lifting.

And god help me…I hate this type of bogan. God dammit people, train your whole body or piss off. Don’t refer to your arms as guns, don’t wear tight t-shirts to the gym, and don’t scream and grunt unless you are lifting a serious weight, like a double body weight squat or a deadlift record or something. There is nothing impressive about pressing a couple of 15kg dumbbells. If you are an olympic weightlifter, scream your head off, I understand. Otherwise quiet please. Don’t talk to me about whatever dumb shit you did at the club last Friday because its a)not true and b)I hate you. Either lift weight properly and get some proper guidance, or do it just to stay in shape.

The other thing is, don’t give people advice. You are not strong, or fit. You don’t understand anything about what you are doing and you are a bogan.

Rant over. Thanks TBL I feel much better.

Hehe, sensational! TBL

20 04 2012
Casper

The role of the boganettes ought not be discounted. I was fat for a long time, but this was a lard borne of extreme lack of self esteem tied to my inveterate nerdy pastimes, tied in turn with a lack of maturity to recognise I was attempting to pick up boganettes through a knowledge of poetry and anatomy rather than tiling or sick utes. So I got in shape, having no regard for the boganette I had previously disregarded, but to see what my astonishing machine I call a body was truly capable of. You can see where this story is headed, I’m sure. 20kg lighter and one busload buffer (and a way better runner, which was the aim), now boganettes find my Chaser references funny, in a bemused I-don’t-get-it-but-I’m-desperate-and-I-don’t-get-most-things-anyway kinda way, and I can confirm the difference between ‘creepy’ and ‘funny and spontaneous’ is, as I say, 20kg and about 5000 pushups and 1000 pullups.

The bogan’s just trying to get his, and perhaps displays a beetle-browed proto-intelligence (rat cunning, is maybe more appropriate) in doing what the boganette desires. But if I never have another belegginned, ascrunchied, Looney Tunes character sunshade festooned bogan slapper from hell ask me if I work out and clutch at my nipple, I will put off fewer decent girls who know how to read.

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