#215 – Franchises

21 02 2011

It’s not that the bogan is afraid. The bogan is maxtreme, and not afraid of anything. It’s more that… well, the independent bakery might have rats on the floor, and who knows what that the charcoal chicken store is putting in its gravy. It’s not fear, it’s… it’s standards. The bogan has standards. Standards that can only be met when the front of the shop has a familiar logo that the bogan has seen in other suburbs and towns too. It’s best for the bogan to be nourished by the Colonel’s mystery gravy instead.

Despite Jim Penman holding a PhD in the bogan-derided intellectual field of history, he has managed to become the bearded cartoon that pacifies many areas of the bogan’s life. Starting with a mowing business in 1982, the bogan now trusts Jim to clean its carpets, install its antennas, even to wash its dog. His ever-expanding universe of franchised service businesses mean that the bogan may never need to invite an unbranded human into its McMansion again.

Franchised brands do so much more than just make the bogan feel calm in its confusing world, they are also crucial papiermâché for its thin latex identity. When the bogan wants others to perceive it as healthy, it will circle the food court clasping a Boost Juice, logo facing outwards. When the bogan wants to seem sophisticated, into Gloria Jean’s cosmopolitan maw it shall march. And after a big afternoon at Endota Spa, what better look for the bogan female, than to collect its nascent ADHD charlatans from a 14 hour stint at the local ABC Learning Centre. While ABC is in administration due to bad debts and maxtremely dishonest accounting practices, the bogan is less afraid of franchised corporate crooks than the inevitable paedophiles working at the community child care centre.

From time to time, the enterprising bogan will express a desire to buy its own franchise of a brand that it enjoys purchasing from. While there is a 95% chance that this will never become anything more than talk, most of the other 5% will involve the bogan overpaying for a poorly conceived or located business, and quickly learning that being an owner-operator is much harder work than earning penalty rates to join moronic facebook groups on someone else’s time. At this point the bogan will exit the business at a loss, and tell its friends that is “exploring other opportunities”.

The bogan’s overwhelming urge to remain well inside its own narrow comfort zone has driven Australia to become the most densely franchised nation on earth. So set in its ways does the bogan become, that it is unwilling to even dabble in unfamiliar franchises, despite their inherent franchised trustworthiness. That said, the bogan’s resistance to change is swiftly broken down once a celebrity endorsement or other  marketing campaign is undertaken. For while each bogan is a unique snowflake, franchises allow them to be precisely as unique as each other.


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179 responses

21 02 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I don’t think you know what “charlatan” means.

Of course, you don’t have the benefit of a higher degree in the Classics.

21 02 2011
TheBattlersPrince

As much as I don’t like saying this, I have to agree with Fiona. I’d readily apply terms such as “juvenile” or “delinquent” or some combination of the two before such slapdash usage of “charlatan”; unless their pre-school children were selling dodgy Warhead lollies under the jungle gym every lunchtime…

21 02 2011
Will S

I’m pretty sure by charlatan they meant that the kid doesn’t actually have ADHD…

Thank you, Will. TBL

21 02 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Point taken.

21 02 2011
Mat

Doesn’t matter, most bogans don’t know what a charlatan is either.

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Fi,
I suspect they are confused with “The Charlston”

21 02 2011
v'visexxx!on

I’ve always thought they could just franchise out Brisbane and Perth CBD’s. Both are dire and pretty much a template for a new megalopolis for bogans that I would call Franchiseville.

21 02 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

Too true.
Walking through both you would not know what state you are in. Except, I don’t think Perth ever had a Krispy Kreme.

21 02 2011
Bag O'Turnips

No, we never have had the noxious weed known as Krispy Kreme cross the Nullabor. Mind you, plenty take a tray or ten back with them from Melbourne or Sydney.

I suppose that’s one thing to recommend Perth…

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

And you have Miss Mauds Bag’O. That’s 2 things.

21 02 2011
Lucky Star

At one point one of the BPs over near the airport looked like it was selling them, but perhaps that was just someone who made regular trips over bringing them back. Disgusting things. Glad they never properly made it to Perth.

22 02 2011
GoldCoaster

Don’t forget Surfers Paradise.

21 02 2011
X

Ah Jim…he used to live a few doors up from me in a typical bogan neighbourhood. He never mowed his lawn though…

21 02 2011
Brimstone

Kinda cruel posting this after Borders and Angus & Roibertson died

21 02 2011
Shirley

How is it cruel?

21 02 2011
v'visexxx!on

or is ironic?

21 02 2011
Shirley

I can never tell anymore. Not just here, but in the ‘real world’ too.

21 02 2011
v'visexxx!on

As long as you say it knowingly it probably doesn’t matter as most people wouldn’t know better. Make it up if in doubt.

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Brim, Borders are american, they should be used to kill or be killed in business ? They should be market driven and if they had been they would (should) have been ahead of the game ??

21 02 2011
Brimstone

because they’re good franchises
used to spend so much time in Borders as a kid

28 02 2011
p'bee

borders was always an absolute rip-off. angus and roberston were getting worse in recent years. dymocks is still generally good, but abbey’s and kinokuniya in sydney are by far the best.

28 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I just tend to be a sucker for 2nd hand bookshops. Once you know the ones that have good stuff it’s great and the best ones are online now. I find it hard to pay $30 for a new release coz I’m a tightarse who doesn’t live in the rool world.

22 02 2011
GoldCoaster

Nooooooo! I loved Borders European History section.

21 02 2011
RobertL

I think that there is only one non-franchise/chain shop in the entire Westfield Chermside (Brisbane northern suburbs) shopping centre.

I can’t remember its name, but it is a shoe shop in that has been there since the 60’s or 70’s.

21 02 2011
Captain from CDU the band

Long time no hear Miss Fiona of Toorak. But sadly, Chapel St and Toorak Rd is not a barrier to the chain of the franchised boutique clothing store, etc.
And definition of “Charlatan”: a chain of fake spray on Tanning studios made famous By Charlie Tanoupoulos.

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Nice work TBL. Being a cutting edge wanker I don’t do franchises for food, drink etc and refuse to visit Westfields or the city centre unless I go to the dentist. This saves me much angst.

21 02 2011
AntiPajero

What the barking hell happened to the HMLT formatting on this entry? It looks like a barking dog’s breakfast.

21 02 2011
AntiPajero

*HTML

21 02 2011
Pendant

Beaten to the punch! Seriously though (LINK), how did this one slip by editors so… half-baked

21 02 2011
AlyssaKT

I thought if I just refreshed the page it would be fixed already. But no…
(LINK)

21 02 2011
Nelson Esq

I guy I knew was all gung-ho about the idea of owning a Bakers delight franchise in spite of not knowing anything about baking. As I worked in a large bakery during my uni years, he asked me for some advice, but when I told that he’d have to bake all night to have fresh bread for sale first thing in the morning, he quickly lost interest!

21 02 2011
AlyssaKT

perhaps he thought it would be delivered to him in the mornings in magic bakery trucks?

21 02 2011
martin

Can’t you just hire some dirt poor immigrants to do it? Then just go in there every now and then and bully them.

21 02 2011
martin

I wouldn’t like to do that but bogans would!

22 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Lol, that’s what apprentices are for. If you do it to immigrants, you’re a racist, but if you do it to young kids, you’re teaching them a valuable life lesson.

22 02 2011
martin

If you do it to immigrants, you’re making Australia cultured.

22 02 2011
Linda

That happens in alot of places sadly.

23 02 2011
The Chef

They could also then claim that the immigrants are stealing good Aussie jobs…. even though no Aussie Bogan would ever consider doing any menial work.

23 02 2011
Pandabater

Day turk er jerbs!!!!

23 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

JEEERRRBBBSSSS!

21 02 2011
Kasey

I’m guessing charlatan is the neuvo bogue name of choice?
Shuddup charlie-tan, mums trying to watch the bloody vee-ate soopa carz and I can’t hear it over your f**king whining!

21 02 2011
chris

That should be “Charlee-Tahn”. It’ll crop up in the Births columns, three months or so from now.

21 02 2011
shakPower

HAHA classic

21 02 2011
HappyFriend

I even know of a franchise that teaches people to play chess, yes chess, the board game! What a joke!

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I wonder what would not be able to be franchised to the bogan? I’m having trouble thinking of anything.

21 02 2011
v'visexxx!on

Independent thinking.

21 02 2011
Ash -Glasser of C*nts, Kicker of Hipsters and Massive Can Connossieur

Nah, Apple does that for them.

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Jim’s Independant Thought Francises now available.

Through the power of Jim’s marketing the opportunity is available to buy into this unique business. All you need do is provide an independant thought each day to your customers via SMS tailored to their needs, which have been assesed via a short questionaire.

For example for Aiden 24, Mawson Lakes thoughts like
“If my partner denies me anal does she still love me” or “Do I prefer Ford or Holden” will provide him with hours of absorbsion.

For Kaiesha 33 from Armadale
“Does SJP really look like a horse or is it a media construct” or “Does my personal trainer think I’m hot” will help her exersize her mental facilities.”

Charged out at $5.50 per thought per day you simply pay Jim 50% for this outstanding opportunity. Be quick selling fast.

21 02 2011
James Hunter

makes me wish for another name

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Jims Lifting Service.

Need something lifted? Then one of our specially trained franchisees will be out to see you. All with safety approved nuts rings these boys will amaze you as they move your stuff around with their scrotum. Both helpful and startling call today and get the ball rolling!

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Simon, Want the job of Circus Bizarre’s Publicist ?
Get the ball rolling… love it.

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I knew the tag would get you JH but you may give me the sack.

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Most likley not , tallent is hard to find.
have had great difficulty finding a muso in the Newcastle area . Think I might have that nailed but now need a web site person so I can update the website before we go on Australias Got Tallent mid March. ( well thats when they shoot it, dont know when it will air

21 02 2011
martin

When I was playing in shitty garage bands it was tough to find musos, must be near impossible to find one for a show like yours James.

Wanna play your instrument while I stretch me donger?!

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Any luck with Brimstone, weren’t you guys going to do a national tour?

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Brim is a bit difficult geographically for one off gigs but he would be welcome to do a joint show. Brims band before and after our show.
we have to limit our bit to say hour and a half in three sets then after the puunters are all like totally sick they can bogie to the band.

21 02 2011
AlyssaKT

I didn’t think “the sack” Simon was referring to meant the termination of his employment

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

That one did go through to the keeper Alyssa. Bit of a teste for him.

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

*knock,knock, knock*

Teste!

Anyone, helllooooo.

21 02 2011
AlyssaKT

haha – boom tish! Nuts!

22 02 2011
GoldCoaster

Atticus 51 makes good websites. And he’s not a franchise.

23 02 2011
Vviv2

Perhaps a knock shop?

Noooo…….thinking about that…..bogan heaven!

21 02 2011
Air Supply

(LINK)

21 02 2011
amr
21 02 2011
chris

ahhh… love a noice bit of bogan web layout I do. All that caps lock and purdy colours. Hell hath no fury like a NAB franchisee force to hand the Club Sport over to the repo man.

21 02 2011
Benny Hill

Or the BMW. What happened to hipsters wanting skateboards?

Love the 3rd sentence from the bottom of the article.

http://www.news.com.au/money/money-matters/luxury-bmws-a-debt-trap/story-e6frfmd9-1226008825157#ixzz1ERvrOiK6

21 02 2011
martin

“Lol”.

“One man, who did not want to be named, said he was holding a $110,000-a-year job when he bought a $80,000 Lexus, all on credit.”

Yeah I’ll name you, I’ll call you “wanker”.

So what’s a wannabe yuppy bogan called? A yogan? $110k is chicken feed these days. What a mong.

21 02 2011
Lyodd Mongleton

haha “mong”

21 02 2011
martin

Hipsters would never buy a beemer. They’d rather spend their money on trips to the deep jungles of Laos.

21 02 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Catch up! Laos is SO last year.

It’s Tanzania now.

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Fi,
Maybe “Despot Tours” of the Middle East ? Bogans would realy lose their heads over that

21 02 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Maybe if Virgin or Jetstar did $99 deals, flying to a wonderful choice of either Riyadh, Tehran, Amman, Damascus, Kabul or Baghdad, they’d be lining up anyway. Exotic ‘n’ sh¡t’ y’know, eh.

Especially if you’d promise them each Bintang shirts, although none of those cities are in Bali.

21 02 2011
Elitist coffee lover

There used to be a bus tour going through Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan in the 70’s I doubt it would exist now. Obviously the Iran develution in ’79 changed everything.

22 02 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Ah, but think of the tourist dollars such an enterprise could bring to these locales!

Besides, it might give the long-suffering folks there a material handle as to why to hate the West so vehemently and offer the rest of us non-bogans here a public service by perhaps using these arrogant Aussie tour-er-ists as target practice. But then again, maybe not, as it’ll give unnecessary grist for the mill for the trashmedia kraken to up the ante against these countries, how they are slaughtering “innocent Aussies abroad” and ignite all manner of public sympathy and monuments like the one in Kings Park in Perth for Bali…

Aw, scheiße…I think way too much. Perhaps I need to do something to vent this quiet yet simmering rage.

22 02 2011
Linda

ROFL. I thought Vietnam was in?

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

http://bmw-bikes.net/

The hipster will buy these and hopes they bring out a fixie soon.

22 02 2011
chris

Bogie won’t like those Beemer bikes. Lance doesn’t ride one so they must be rubbish.

21 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Lol. I really don’t think it’s Gen Y-ers buying BMWs. Almost every Gen Y-er i know (myself included) would prefer “Aussie muscle” over “engineering excellence”.

21 02 2011
Mick

Aussie muscle?

I heard from a very good source that Aussie muscle cars are built by asylum seekers.

Wouldn’t touch one with a barge pole.

21 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Nooooo, surely not? In Elizabeth? That’s the bogan heartland of SA. That wouldn’t go down too well at all. Maybe the engines are built by illegals, i think they’re built somewhere in Port Melbourne?

I also heard the workers at Elizabeth were on quite a good wicket $$ wise, not sure how true that is though…..

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

And they can buy sick chevys at cost!

21 02 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Yes, the Alloytech V6 motors are indeed built and assembled at the Fisherman’s Bend engine plant in Port Melbourne. The V8s, on the other hand, are imported from USA. Which that, and the fact that they are exported to LHD markets as Chevys apparently gives Holden owners the right to slap a bowtie on the grille and decklid.

Whatever happened to Aussie Proide, eh?

21 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

I de-badged my last 2 utes for a couple of reasons:
1. If i didn’t, i reckon somebody else would have done it for me eventually.
2. There’s all sorts of badges all over the thing and they look messy.
3. The new Holden badges are comically oversized and look ridiculous.

22 02 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Smart idea.

Car logo badges are really becoming far too large these days; it’s almost betraying their insecurity in direct proportion to the badge size and even prestige marques are guilty of this.

What ever happened to the days when you had discreetly-badged Daimlers (which were even-more upmarket Jaguars), where the brand name didn’t even appear on the bootlid and the grille only had a small button with a “D” set onto the top of it? A subtle fluted grille and boot handle were the only other outward designations that this wasn’t a pouncing cat from Coventry.

Maybe that’s why Jaguar don’t run the Daimler nameplate anymore and that the USA dispensed with using that marque over 20 years ago, just slapping a “Jaguar” instead on the fully-kitted model aka Daimler.

22 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Yeah, they’re pretty ridiculous. Look at the size of the merc badge they have on some of the models, they’re the same size as a small dinner plate. The Audi badge on most models is almost the same size as my forearm.

Did they get rid of Daimler for any particular reason, or was it just rationalisation of their brands.

22 02 2011
Mat

I always wondered why Commodore owners put Chevy badges on their cars. It’s a growing trend.
However I really want to see Camry owners put Lexus badges on their cars, or for someone to put a prancing horse on their FIAT 500.

22 02 2011
James Hunter

How about an Hyundai badge on a Kia ??? Now that would be a Class moove ??

23 02 2011
Bag O'Turnips

They already do that with Daewoos, tacking on Holden badges. Apparently, Holden wants to also reintroduce the European GM cars (i.e Astra, Corsa/Barina and Insignia/Vectra), but not as Holdens (they’re quite content to push the value line of their Korean-sourced replacements for the aforementioned nameplates) and instead sell them as they originally are as Opel, positioning that as some premium-level brand on a similar footing to say, Peugeot or Volkswagen, and selling them through the existing GMH network.

If they price those vehicles just below that of what VW or PSA pitch theirs, as well as familiarising Australians with the Opel brand (it helps they already know Astras and Corsas as Barinas), it might work. But this will happen at the expense of Holden itself, earning a reputation of sticking their own badges on substandard Daewoos just to have segment price-leaders.

Mind you, I wouldn’t see Chevrolet as a premium badge, given they too market rebadged Daewoos; it could be argued that sticking a Chevy badge to a Commodore in fact downgrades the product…if they wanted airs of superiority, why not paste an Opel or even a Cadillac badge?

27 02 2011
Louie

The biggest is the TOYOTA written across the back of a Hilux in 30cm high typeface. Just incase you’re concerned that you are a following a Navara.

24 02 2011
$hruglife

I think you’ll find that the Chev V8’s that end up in Commondores are actually made in Mexico.

23 02 2011
chubbybloodfart

Oh Noes!!!

23 02 2011
GoldCoaster

I saw a Commodore with a Pontiac badge!

23 02 2011
Bag O'Turnips

The VE sedans were indeed were sold as Pontiac G8s in North America, which followed the GTO, which was of course was based on Holden’s Monaro coupé.

At that time though, GM was filing for bankruptcy and needed to consolidate their business…as a consequence, the Pontiac, Saturn (GM’s small car business) and Hummer (yay! The demise of Hummer must be a sure sign of a beneficent Higher Power!) marques were all put to rest, joining Oldsmobile, which was killed off in 2004.

At least Pontiac’s last car—a sad case of selling coals to Newcastle, having a fine example of classic RWD Detroit muscle, but designed and built Down Under, so complete the disarrayed emasculation of once the world’s undisputed numero uno auto maker—was worthy of wearing the shield, the Pontiacs being considered the “performance” arm of The General, thus going out on a high note, albeit penned by some other GM division.

Coupled to GM’s own financial woes was the rapidly-appreciating Australian Dollar, so GM North America decided to can importing the VE and continue selling them, but as Chevys instead (which would complement the range nicely, for there’s no RWD full-size vehicle, only the short-wheelbased VE-derived Camaro). Thus that put an end to GMH’s dream of filling a credible niche in that market and Holden, with a surplus of G8 front-end plastic, used these to dress up a limited-run version of the SS-V, which may explain the Pontiac nose, if not the badge (no doubt some wiseacres have already done that…at least it’s not another Chevadore!).

As for GMH’s tilt at the American market, salvation has come in some unlikely quarters: the Chevy Caprice police pursuit vehicle is a stripped-down Holden Caprice tailored for police duty. Having a look at the specs, I wouldn’t be surprised when once they trickle out onto the auction lots, that they’ll become something of a cult ex-pursuit vehicle, for they pretty much trample all over the current fleet of police vehicles in the North American market in the ways of performance, braking and space.

25 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

That would be one of the special edition SS-V from last year.

21 02 2011
shakPower

Is nandos a bogan loved franchise as well?

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Affirmative.

21 02 2011
shakPower

Well, time to go back to the tandoori chicken then i guess…

21 02 2011
SparkyTheClown

“…than earning penalty rates to join moronic facebook groups on someone else’s time.”

Not unlike reading this web site.

How dare you lump Australia’s leading source of bogan information in with moronic facebook groups. Outrageous! TBL

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

*insert Mp3 Alanis Morrisette*

21 02 2011
shakPower

After spending most of my working day thinking about it, finally thought of one product where the bogan doesnt care about franchises, ‘Asian body massage’ .
One bogan got a bit hurt during soccer, i gave him the physio’s number but he ended up going to asian massage shop for his sports injuries!
Apparently physiotherapy is for poofs!
It was satisfying to see that bogan kicked in the leg again next week! bet he went to asian massage place again…

This is driven by the bogan’s undying optimism that a Hot Asian Chick will undertake the massage, and provide a “happy ending”. In this case, the bogan wants its service delivery to break from lofty legitimacy that a franchise all but guarantees. TBL

21 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

My mate is half-owner of a Thai massage place in the CBD. He said they had to put up a massive sign in the foyer of the shop saying “NO SEX”. They still get drunk punters walking in during the arvo asking for a happy ending though.

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Wonder if “A Touch of Class” does franchises ?

21 02 2011
Andrew

You people are pathetic.

Basically, you despise white, working-class Australians. You have found a group you are able to feel superior to, and laugh at, without getting into trouble or sacrificing any of your supposed moral superiority.

People like you used to tell jokes about abos, wogs or chinks, back in the bad old days. You still feel the need to make yourselves feel better by putting down someone else, but it’s no longer “safe” or PC to mock racial/religious minority groups, so you pick on a safe target – namely “bogans”.

If this was Germany in the 1930’s, you people would be making Jew jokes and turning your Jewish neighbours in to the Gestapo. But since this is modern day Australia, you vent your insecurities and hatreds by picking on Bogans.

Utterly contemptible!

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Andrew,
What is your excuse ?

21 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

I class myself as a bogan mate and i post here. Nothing wrong with enjoying a bit of self-deprecating humour. I also make a lot of un-PC jokes about all sorts of people, especially whinging toffs who should pull their heads in 😉

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I think Andrew is 100% right.

I am president of the Aust Nazi Party, would you like to join Andrew, we need people with your talents on board.

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Simon, Maybe Andrew is still looking for “Mr Right” ?

21 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’m pretty sure the gay community won’t want him JH.

21 02 2011
James Hunter

Simon,
I couldnt think of any comunity that would !
I ment no disrespect to the Gay community.

22 02 2011
v'visexxx!on

Independent thinkers?

22 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

At your service.

22 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

V’vs Thought for the day Courtesy Jim’s Independent Thoughts.

Does my bum look big in this.

22 02 2011
v'visexxx!on

Advanced Level (aka Platinum Level) Independent Thinking challenge for the day:

“Be honest, does my bum look big in this?”

22 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

OOOO, honesty, there is a challenge!

Entry level thought

Do I need fresh jocks?

21 02 2011
urbanreverie

Oh, for the eleventy trillionth time! Being a bogan has NOTHING to do with race, class or income and EVERYTHING to do with attitude and intellect.

It’s possible to be of low educational attainment and still be a thoroughly decent human being. It’s also possible to have plenty of smarts and culture while being a total douchebag. But only the bogan combines being an arsehole with being a moron.

Oh and please, don’t insult us by claiming that we’re “putting down someone else” or picking on some marginalised, oppressed group within society. The bogan is anything but oppressed. In fact, those bogans who work in industries such as mining or construction are the highest-paid blue-collar workers in any country on this planet. At any time in history.

Both major political parties spend election campaigns trying to outdo each other in appealing to the bogan’s xenophobia and selfishness using dog-whistle tactics. Bogans get bucketloads of middle-class welfare. Commercial media outlets pump out thousands of acres of newsprint and thousands of hours of TV and radio programs catering to the bogan’s lowest common denominator tastes.

And you have the nerve to come here and claim that bogans are some sort of socially persecuted caste equivalent to the Jews in the Third Reich? Bite us.

22 02 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Thank you urbanreverie for setting this person straight. My sentiments precisely.

I hope he has enough perception, after being suitably edified, that being a bogan is not an accident of birth, but is an acquired state of mind.

There is no excuse for the bogan’s wilfully stubborn ignorance and that is what we unapologetically rail at. We don’t hate the bogan as an individual per se (though some truly unrepentantly egregious examples of humanity sadly exist), but we despise their behaviour.

22 02 2011
Peter of Kensington

So the Bogan is theoretical? This site is merely a list of bad behaviours? Kinda pointless than, isn’t it?

Things Bogans like #401: shanking pandas.

22 02 2011
Pandabater

Shanking? Sick bastards.

22 02 2011
AlyssaKT

awww poor Pandabater!

You couldn’t shank these darlings;
http://www.animaltalk.us/pandas-after-the-earthquake/

22 02 2011
Pandabater

Not all at once.

😉 😉 🙂

22 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

That Panda in photo 9 is getting his groove on!

22 02 2011
Pandabater

Pandabanger

22 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I can’t work out what I hate most about Pandas. Their blackness or their whiteness.

22 02 2011
Pandabater

Mmmm yes it’s a bit of a gray area.

22 02 2011
AlyssaKT

my favourite is 15 – the little guy with his paws up – “I didn’t touch your bamboo!”

22 02 2011
Pandabater

But seriously, Peter, Bogan is an attribute not a race.

22 02 2011
Tombarina

I love pandas.

But I couldn’t eat a whole one.

22 02 2011
James Hunter

Tomba,
I dount that even Viv would eat the (w)hole of one !!

23 02 2011
Pandabater

That is just about my favourite saying, except babies not pandas. I was at the checkout one day & I made that remark to the cashier & got a big double take, she was obviously just agreeing with what I said without listening then she realised what I had said & she had this confused/concerened look on her face untill she saw my grin. 🙂

22 02 2011
TheBattlersPrince

I’d just like to know what he thought the equivalent would be for the SA and SS of today?

22 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Family First Party?

22 02 2011
Mick

Highest paid on the planet eh? I think I’ll go tell the boys.

They can have it inked beneath their southern cross tat. Aussie Pride!

23 02 2011
i hate the hills district (sydney)

This is one of the best posts I have ever read here. (and there have been many great posts here at TBL)
Exactly my sentiments. Listen to talkback or read tabloid newspapers and it is amazing how the “average Australian” (read bogan) is some sort of marginalised person at being overrun by multi culturalism or PC. These people are the mainstream and have politicians and the media pandering to them. And they think THEY are the victims? Please….

22 02 2011
AlyssaKT

You’re a bit confused, Andrew. We actually make fun of racist dickheads quite a bit.
Being bogan is not restricted to any race or religion, and we never tried to make it so.
Sorry that you can’t understand this site. Goodbye.

22 02 2011
Peter of Kensington

I don’t believe Andrew was accusing you of being racists, he was pointing out the similarities in your motives and actions.

Question. Which of the following is acceptable?

– Look at that guy, he is (insert race) so he must be (insert racial slur)
– Look at that chick in the burka, she must be a terrorist
– Look at that guy in the Ed hardy shirt, he must be a racist, self absorbed, mindless consuming blah blah blah

Answer:
On the Internet; all of them. In the real world; “I am sure they just forgot to invite me. It’s okay, I don’t really like parties anyway”

22 02 2011
chris

Now I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure the header at the top of this site says “Things Bogans Like”, not “If you like this stuff, you must be bogan.” I have a very good mate who is utterly, utterly bogan in his dress, his taste in music etc, but who does not have a racist or violent bone in his body. The dude is just comfortable in his own skin, but I don’t have any problem in saying to him at times: “Jeez, you’re such a bogan.” I’m pretty sure most of the people who post here get the distinction, shame others don’t.

22 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Cheers Chris, I don’t know why racism keeps coming up. All are open to mocking including us. We all have some bogan in us really. These people seem to have racism on the brain. Looking in the mirror must be uncomfortable for them huh.

22 02 2011
Peter of Kensington

“These people seem to have racism on the brain. Looking in the mirror must be uncomfortable for them huh”

You do not understand the reasons for drawing comparisions between racial and social sterotyping, so you accuse us of being racist? I now remember why I stopped reading this blog.

22 02 2011
AlyssaKT

we (the commenters) didn’t write the blog, PoK.

22 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Cool, glad to help Pete.

22 02 2011
chris

And you, sport, don’t seem to understand the difference between racial hatred and lampooning bigoted, shallow, stupid aspirants. Sure you wouldn’t be happier over at The Punch?

22 02 2011
James Hunter

Well well,some people have irrational fears of others that are different and are aware that they have them others the same fears but they are unaware. Not too hard to figure which bag of dislike you are in.
Best thing Peter for you would be to go home. If you have a home to go to.
Andrew the generic hater should go with you.

22 02 2011
Mick

If my Jewish neighbours had of been wearing Ed Hardy then I’d have turned them in as well.

22 02 2011
Mick

By the way, I call Godwin’s.

23 02 2011
TheBattlersPrince

I second that Martin…

22 02 2011
martin

No it’s not. It’s not just your stereotypical bogan we’re putting shit on. It’s half or more of society. The f$cken deserve it.

You’ve also got yogans who are wannabe yuppies, people who get $100k odd white collar jobs then think they’re king shit. Nogans, sad, ugly, bitter, arrogant, conceited, tasteless, unhygenic, the sort who go to MSY to buy their shit to build their computer. Chardonnay bogans, cogans I suppose, people who think they’re all trendy and shit because they live in the inner west of sydney. But the bogan in them shines through. Then you’ve got the broad definition, which are just called bogans, which can range from new age bogans, the ones with the tatts, the ed hardy attire and the garish holdens and fords, the old school bogans who don’t really need an explanation, and assorted meatheads such as surfers, who think that simply living near the beach makes them immune to being a f$cked person.

Suggestion to the writers, TBL #whatever – The Beach.

22 02 2011
Davo

You forgot the Wogans. Wogs that think its a birth right to be a sick cunt just because they’re a wog.

22 02 2011
Davo

Andrew, you are the sad kind of fuckwit that uses the nazi card to try and make other people look bad. Did you know that Iran, Japan, Russia, China, Chile, Cuba, Vietnam, Spain, most of Africa and many more countries have all had services where if you didn’t like your neighbour you could have them disapear. Why nazis, why not kempeitai? They were 10 times worse than the gestapo. But foxtel only do nazi docos. So to reference nazis here just shows you have little to no knowledge about this website or nazis.

23 02 2011
Vviv2

You say that like it’s a bad thing…… 😛

21 02 2011
Fire Rabbit

a) you don’t have to be white, working class or even Australian to be a bogan.
b) I’m no expert but I can imagine if this was Germany in the 1930’s it would be the Germbogues handing over their Jewish neighbours (right now their are many who would like to get rid of all non Christian/Homosexual/Assorted immigrants who are “putting decent hardworking natives out of jobs”).
c) bogans have plenty of forums to voice their opinions, not to mention Gerry Harvey looking out for their interests.

22 02 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

The only interests Uncle Gerry looks after are his own. I buy pretty much everything off the internet, but for bigger electrical purchases, like TVs, i go to JB Hifi. Uncle Gerry isn’t even close to their prices.

21 02 2011
urbanreverie

Hahaha. I wanted to say that Boguette goes to an Endota Day Spa in the most recent episode of The Bogue & Boguette Show, but decided not to specify the name. So, TBL beat me to it. Congrats 😀

22 02 2011
Pellicle

best post for ages … love it 🙂

22 02 2011
Pellicle

not sure if the comments have covered it but its interesting that you chose Jim Penman as a historian PHD not a Bogan himself. A quick google reveals some interesting things about Jim

http://www.jimpenmanthetruth2.com/

22 02 2011
James Hunter

Simon,
Your “Panda Banger” Is that some new kind of Sausage?

22 02 2011
AlyssaKT

best served with bamboo mash, a panda colada and followed by panda cotta for dessert

23 02 2011
chris

topped with yummy panda cheese

22 02 2011
James Hunter

Don’t know if I would cott(a}on to that !!

22 02 2011
Pandabater

Yum Yum, tastes like koala.

23 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

http://noisepie.com/seeuinhell/PandaRecipes.htm

More opportunities to nom on Panda.

Is there anything you can’t find on the interweb?

23 02 2011
chris

Nope. Like the poster says: “Click enough times and you’ll find pictures of your mum nekkid”.

23 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I googled “my mum naked” but she was not there! Phew.

23 02 2011
chris

Keep trying 😀
I’m off to google “panda jerky”

23 02 2011
Pandabater

You’re right Simon, I googled
‘Simon’s mum naked’ & I
got nothing.

23 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

This came up for naked panda!

23 02 2011
Pandabater

Thanks but no thanks,
I don’t like to bring my
work home with me.

23 02 2011
James Hunter

Pandabeater & Simon,
That is strange, I Googled Pandabeater and I got one of the guards at the Beijing Zoo. ??

23 02 2011
Pandabater

I dunno James, the first google image that comes up is Charlie Sheen. WTF.

23 02 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

As long as they are nekkid it’s all ok.

22 02 2011
James Hunter

There is Barely any difference !!!!

23 02 2011
TheBattlersPrince

All this panda eating talk has made me fungry:

23 02 2011
i hate the hills district (sydney)

Aaah the joys of homogeneity.
They only like what they know and apologists for the appeal of franchises (both for the customers and those who become franchisees) will often tout the line that at least they know what they are getting/paying for (often used re. maccas)
Well the bogan obviously has no problem involving themselves in the unknown in other aspects of life…ie trusting celebrities’ opinions on issues on which the celebrity is not qualified and quoting tabloid columnists’ opinion on global warming (said columnists don’t even have a degree let alone one in an earth science)

23 02 2011
shakPower

Awful news! the bogan population seems to constantly on the rise. I guess more material for TBL is the bright side.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/02/23/3146427.htm

23 02 2011
23 02 2011
James Hunter

BOT, Know they had a big Demonstration day for North American Law Enforcment with Officers from all over just recently and the feed back was very good. No orders yet ,other then a few for testing have resulted but hopes are high . e.g. about 10,000 per year .
Source Cars Guide at carguide.com.au (I Think )A free weekly automotive up date.

25 02 2011
Mick

TBL #927. Missing the things that matter.

How have I not seen this before? *Face-Palm*

25 02 2011
Mick

Okay, which one of you lot is responsible for this?

http://macrobusiness.com.au/2011/02/boganomics/

9 12 2011
Chris

If you have a spare three hundred grand you can get on board with a Lord of the Fries franchise. It’s vegetarian fast food. Set up shop in Brunswick or Northcote and it’ll be like having a license to print money.

9 12 2011
James Hunter

Chris might end up like the “Olivers” franchise at a Shell servo Maitland rd Hexam. Used to have a busy standard take away. since the Olivers Sushie and Vegetable juice took over the place is deserted.

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