The bogan has always been misunderstood. Sick of being told by scathing blogs that it is not inspired, talented, and of immense value to the nation, it simmered on its lounge suite, plotting its revenge. It sees no real difference between its clueless, indolent self, and the people that it sees on the red carpet. The bogan is of the opinion that years of hard work, skill, and sacrifice aren’t really the key things behind success… all that is really required is for the bogan to loudly announce a desire to be a celebrity.
For years, this didn’t work. The bogan’s closest approximation to fame was the time it was at the same petrol station as Red Symonds, and its television screen remained filled with people whose talent and work ethic was far in excess of its own. This changed for good in 1992, when Sylvania Waters hit Australian TV screens. The unscripted show followed a family of newly cashed up bogans, who spent and bickered their way through six months of existence. The bogan viewers were transfixed: “I love spending and arguing!”, said the uninteresting bogan. “I should be on telly too!”
The floodgates were open. TV executives realised that not only did the bogan want to watch other bogans doing nothing in particular, they also would climb over each other to be on these shows free of charge. A televisual nosedive of low cost, low value programming ensued, with advertisers realising that reality TV had herded the most easily brainwashed segment of Australia into a paddock 30 minutes wide.
By the turn of the century, the pinnacle of mediocre reality television had appeared. After passionately pitching their bogan quirks at the show’s producers, a dozen or so bogans were locked in a camera-riddled house at Dreamworld, and subjected to various pointless and temporary scenarios for the vicarious amusement of the bogans back home. It constituted irrefutable evidence to the bogan that it was worthy of celebrity status, which compelled it to behave accordingly, whether it had been on television or not. Big Brother alumni then go on to bigger and better things, like Hotdogs’ Up Late Gameshow.
Some analysts thought reality TV would be a brief fad, but they failed to understand the bogan’s bottomless need for validation and glitz. As a result, bogans now watch competitions like: fat bogans dieting, tone deaf bogans wailing, hungry bogans cooking, clumsy bogans dancing, and bogan scrags being transformed into bogan scrags in evening dresses. And because it’s bogan versus bogan, the bogan always wins.