#74 – Border Security: Australia’s Front Line

29 01 2010

The bogan is not racist. It is, however, very much not in favour of crime and criminals, so long as they are not nicking street signs and bar mats, or exporting illicit substances into Indonesia, which, after all, are harmless pastimes. People importing illicit substances into Australia, on the other hand, are despicable scum – this perception being reinforced by our very own Prime Minister. Is it the bogan’s fault that these uniquely disgusting criminals are from another country?

Channel 7, realising the awesome spending power of the bogan, the awesome cost-saving power of reality TV, and the awesome bogan love of catching (foreign) criminals, combined them all in the greatest bogan programme of all time: Border Security: Australia’s Front Line. After all, even though the bogan is not racist, what better way to catch these abominable criminals than to whack a camera or two in a large room replete with suspicious-looking foreigners?

Despite the fact that the customs queue at Australia’s major airports are overwhelmingly full of white, returning Australians, tired and emotional about having to wait in a queue in order to be told to pay GST on the watch they bought in Switzerland, the bulk of Border Security: Australia’s Front Line is entirely devoted to filming shifty looking visitors from South East Asia or the Middle East having their luggage rifled through.

Even better than this, the show is portentously narrated by Grant Bowler, who most bogans remember as playing Constable Wayne Patterson in Blue Heelers: Mt Thomas’ Front Line, where he was living the bogan dream by engaging in PG-rated heavy petting with Lisa McCune.

Settled in its interest free lounge suite, the bogan is able to vicariously enjoy the act of keeping Australia safe from people it steadfastly refuses to understand. Its endorphins gush on each and every occasion that such a person is not able to move about in the manner that it hopes to. At the completion of the show, the bogan is reassured that it has done its part to defend the nation that it has done so very little to create.


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207 responses

29 01 2010
hindustan

with all due respect, have ANY of you seen what ***** citizens try to ‘bring’ into australia. not to be racist, but this programme is bang on the money…

29 01 2010
Bogue

Oh, no-one’s doubting that shifty activities go on, or that customs isn’t required, it’s just that this show delights in showing ‘dodgey looking’ foreigners (with their swarthy skin and beady eyes) concealing something (together with a “wait until you see what they’ve got…” voice over) almost exclusively. Border Security is bogan fodder and appeals to their intuitive notion that all non-caucasian foreigners are sleeper criminals.

You’re back on thrack TBL…I was beginning to wonder if I was the only person in the entire nation that noticed this racist fodder on the tube.

9 11 2011
Sven

I love this Show.

29 01 2010
Lee

I kid you not I predicted this months ago…………….. “yeah but nah its all the fuckin slopies and lebs and curries bringin shit in”…………….
but it is, asians pleading ignorance with dried fish products stashed in shoes,
vietnamese with a gutfull of smack,
curries with some dried out seeds that misteriously happened to find their way into their luggage,
idiot leb trying to bring obscure weapons in from thailand,
dumb bogan *see idiot leb comment……………..

7 08 2013
Maximilian Shahrokni (@Maxianum)

Are you the fucking turban MF they are showing be a “manager” on the show as the “ethic alibi” (not to be rasist)

7 08 2013
Maximilian Shahrokni (@Maxianum)

I mean off course the signature Turban, please shot the fuck up. I’ve never been to Australia but you should be ashamed of yourself. such a mf racism is rare nodays!!!!!
Max

29 01 2010
hindustan

…and besides, don’t fuck with wolfgang west!

29 01 2010
Carlos the Jackal

Ah, yes – Grant Bowler going from playing a country cop to playing a Kiwi bogan criminal…

29 01 2010
Indi

From A to B and back again.

29 01 2010
Tone

The Border Security formula is simple: Take 1 part American Drama Queen, 1 part dodgy looking person of Middle Eastern descent (or if there are no dodgy looking Middle Eastern people available, an African will suffice) and 1 part Asian with dodgy food in their luggage. Stir well.

It makes the formula used to make Today Tonight look like The Colonel’s 11 Secret Herbs & Spices in comparsion.

29 01 2010
Bobblehead

Don’t you mean:-

Take one part law breaking; stir with one part of law enforcement?

Regardless of whether its heroin, some dried asian rats or middle eastern delicacy, it’s contraband. If the traveller had declared the item, there would not be the show to begin with.

You’re creating a pseudo-conspiracy where one does not exist.

29 01 2010
Tone

You recorded the recent Border Security marathon on your Foxtel iQ, didn’t you?

29 01 2010
Bobblehead

Can’t say that I did. I was attacking your poisition that a show targeting lawbreakers is distasteful, if, the offender fits into one of your pinko-lefty cause-celebres.

If it happens that certain ethnic people are found to have contraband, more frequently than those horrible white men than so be it. Ignore is not an excuse.

30 01 2010
James

Yeah, I’m sure BS shows a totally representative sample and isn’t biased whatsoever. If not buying into crypto-fascist propaganda makes me a pinko commie lefty, then pass the bong, man.

31 01 2010
Lefty.

Tou-che James.

Think ultimately lack of communication is what gets the (foreigners) into trouble.

But with that being said, i’m sure the right will find it fitting for these outsiders to learn the language or get out.

7 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

You don’t have to be a commie-pinko-lesbo-vego-libtard to appreciate a good bong hit.

29 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I love watching all the Chinese people smuggling in apples.

29 01 2010
Tony D

I remember being bullied at Brisbane airport a few years ago by Customs. Apparently my story of travelling to Japan to have a holiday and visit friends was ‘suspicious’ (I suppose because Australians only travel to places like Bali?), and they spent half an hour tearing apart my luggage, searching through my laptop, and checking every photo on my camera. All the while asking me trick questions to try and make myself look guilty.

Some examples- “who is this in the photo?” “that’s my friend” “you said you travelled alone!” “I did” “but you’re travelling with this friend!” “no I’m not? He lives there” “so you weren’t alone!”

“So did you go out much?” “a bit” “meet any girls?” “no, I just went out with friends” “what, you don’t like girls?” “huh? I like girls…” “then why didn’t you go and meet some? what else were you doing when you went out?”

29 01 2010
berihebi

“what else were you doing when you went out?””

He means, what the hell else would you do. “Have non-aggressive, non-sexual conversation with friends over a nice meal and a glass of wine!!??? – that’s it mate you’re defo suss, in the fucken van”

29 01 2010
SM Adelaide

You weren’t going out to pick up – the fact someone can’t comprehend that is….incomprehensible

29 01 2010
Peter of Kensington

He was simply doing his job as trained. You can’t comprehend that?

29 01 2010
James

From the sounds of it, he was not doing his job very well. I just wonder if this Customs officer could have been any more transparent.

29 01 2010
Paul

Bogans watching bogans on TV catching dodgy looking foreigners. Definitely bogan heaven.

Their favourite episode must have been the one that featured the belligerent Aboriginal Muslim.

That said though, too many Chinese are either halfwits or deliberately sly when they try to bring in their weird foodstuffs.

29 01 2010
James

Belligerent Aboriginal Muslim? Sounds like an ACA-style super-threat to me. Much like the immigrant Muslim gay married dodgy builder who rips off pensioners while collecting the dole and not assimilating.

29 01 2010
Indi

That’s one hardworking citizen. Where does she find the time?

29 01 2010
James

Raises an interesting point. Have you ever noticed that to a bogan, immigrants both: a) sit on the dole and b) take our jobs?

29 01 2010
Indi

Yairs

29 01 2010
AB

Hahaha – spot on!

29 01 2010
Jodie

Haha. Good one, James. :)

29 01 2010
Lee

………”they took our jeerrrrbss”……… to quote an animated show of some sort………

29 01 2010
Simon of South Yarra

You have picked the hypocrisy succinctly.

Further, I have seen white euros trying to smuggle in unpasteurised cheeses, uncooked pork and other “delicacies”, but you won’t see them on border security. Yes, the nonnas and omas are indeed ignorant halfwits or who deliberately want to destroy Australian industry.

So please don’t pick on one ethnic group, it just shows how blinkered and easily lead you are

29 01 2010
Andy

Belligerent Aboriginal Muslim could easily refer to that well-known thing bogans hate, one Anthony Mundine.

29 01 2010
Sam

be honest now – do you like him?

7 01 2011
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

You don’t have to be a bogan to hate that carnt.

29 01 2010
Indi

You reveal another reason bogans like reality television- it’s a chance to see themselves on the screen, often in their natural setting.

29 01 2010
Jasper

Spot on Indi. I was coming through customs at Sydney Airport a year or so back and they were filming this show. There were large signs all through the building that said “if you do not wish to be filmed please let us know” or something to that effect.

But the chance to be “on the telly” for the Bogan is too great an opportunity to miss.

29 01 2010
Indi

The Customs officers must hate living the bogan dream.

29 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Similar story for me and my wife when returning from South Africa. We brought home some South African food and a dozen bottles of Pinotage. In spite of ticking the boxes on the customs card declaring that I had food and over the duty free threshold in alcohol, the Customs Officers at Perth International Airport had a field day treating me like I had a condom full of smack up my arse! The Customs Officer was a bogan with a bad attitude.

First it was the aggression when questioning us about why we were bringing in the wine, whether it or any of the food was intended for commercial sale. “It is boutique wine which you can’t buy here and my wife and I intend to consume everything ourselves and do you really think that one jar of stuffed pepperdews is a commercial amount?”

I got all the “Why did you go to South Africa?” & “What did you do there?” type questions with attitude and then after pulling all the food out of my hand luggage I got the “I will only ask this once; is this everything?”
“Yes it is…and I would appreciate being spoken to in a polite manner. I was honest on my customs declaration because I knew I would need to pay duty on the wine, so I would like to be treated with some respect, please!”

That didn’t go down well. A look of scorn and then he grabbed our suitcases sent them off to the x-ray machine. He seemed dissappointed that he found nothing worth investigating in there. However he took great pleasure in telling us that he was confiscating the biltong (beef jerky) because it was a meat product. A hollow victory, as it was an in flight snack handed out by the airline!

29 01 2010
Bogue

“The Customs Officer was a bogan with a bad attitude”…three oxymorons!

29 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Not an oxymoron, as the 3 things don’t neccessarily contradict each other. I will concede that ‘bad attitude’ could be construed as being superfluous when talking about a bogan, however customs officer can be mutually exclusive to bogan or bad attitude.

29 01 2010
Bogue

I’ve never met a bogan with a good attitude, nor a Customs officer, nor a Customs officer that wasn’t a bogan (refer your story of ‘good cop, bad cop’…the bogan Jedi mind trick). HOWEVER, I have met bogans who aren’t Customs officers, so you are correct and I retract my former statement.

2 02 2010
To the dictionary!

a) none of them of oxymorons (a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.”): you can be a bogan AND have a bad attitude AND be a Customs official, or any combination of the three.

b) one can be a Customs officer and be a bogan, or have a bad attitude, or both, therefore it’s not mutually exlusive either (a situation involving two or more events, possibilities, etc., in which the occurrence of one precludes the occurrence of the other)

29 01 2010
Kris

@ Bogue:

“Customs Officer was a bogan with a bad attitude”

is not an oxymoron but rather a tautology :)

29 01 2010
Indi

Sounds like you were a millisecond away from the rubber gloves. If you’re really hoping for a groping, next time try this:

http://www.coolest-gadgets.com/20091223/gascase-suitcase/#more-35724

29 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Those cases look like they could easily fit 6 bottles of red! :)

I think the presence of a much nicer female customs officer probably (and literally) saved my arse. She was a fair and reasonable woman, who did not seem too impressed with her colleagues ‘style’ of dealing with us.

A reasonable person understands that at times customs officers need to take on a tough posture with difficult people. However when someone has been obliging, polite, open and honest, there is no need to act tough; it only makes them look like a rude dick!

29 01 2010
Indi

They’re not without charm- easy to spot on the carousel, and sure way of clearing a path around you. You’d want to be squeaky clean otherwise.

29 01 2010
Nelson Esq

People clearing a path would be quite convenient…it’s the beagle sitting down next to you that you have to watch out for!

29 01 2010
Simon of South Yarra

was the dude an afrikaans “refugee”? it would explain his hatred of someone supporting the new South Africa

8 01 2011
Whistling Nixie

Dunno if I’d use the quote marks: South Africa’s murder rate’s now on par with Afghanistan. 10,000 last year in Afghanistan (pop. 29 million) vs 18,000 a year in SA (pop. 49 million), so marginally higher in South Africa.

30 01 2010
Lee

My first time overseas was a funny one. We were going to Fiji and it was only the day after that tsunami wiped out thailand so I was freaking out a little about it already. We checked in our gear and proceeded through security to indulge in duty free alcohol when two guards grabbed me, pulled me aside and told me not to say a word but read this card they gave me which explained that they had detected explosives in my carry on luggage.
To cut a long story short the sports bag I took with me as carry on luggage happened to be the same bag I took my gear out to the rifle range in two days before to compete in a benchrest target competition.

30 01 2010
Sam

I think you’ll find that bogans like guns.

30 01 2010
Lee

I think you’ll find that bogans are scared of guns and usually hold a criminal record of some sort that prohibits them legally owning a firearm.

30 01 2010
Sam

A few big leaps in that statement…I will shoot them all down with my word and logic gun:

“bogans are scared of guns” – wrong. They luv shootin’ and huntin’ (killin’ stuff). They luv Underbelly and shoot em up xbox games.

“(bogans) usually hold a criminal record” – while they are guilty of many, many things that should be illegal (i.e. review 73 earlier TBL posts) the majority of them wouldn’t have actual criminal records.

“prohibits them legally owning a firearm” – I don’t care if they legally have a gun or illegally have a gun. They can have a tragic “accident” with it all the same. It’s a bogan with a gun….run!

30 01 2010
Lee

Fair enough. Each to their own Sam, but don’t knock it untill you’ve tried it!

31 01 2010
Sam

We all have a little bogan inside us Lee.

I have been to the range before and I have been clay pigeon shooting.

It is much fun :)

31 01 2010
Lee

Oh so much fun!:-)

1 02 2010
brad

i prefer aboriginal muslims too clay targets(though deer is as equally fulfilling)

19 03 2010
x

OMG …i just had a flash back to sitting at the dinner table with my mother in my teens!

29 01 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. This sentence makes my head hurt… “It is, however, very much not in favour of crime and criminals, so long as they are not nicking street signs and bar mats, or exporting illicit substances into Indonesia…”

29 01 2010
hindustan

it’s liek a quadruple negative! “i ain’t no undummy!”…

2 02 2010
James

I didn’t not just read you not saying nothing.

29 01 2010
pominoz

My wife is a great watcher of trash TV. So i am unfortunate at times to catch programs like this. Shifty foreigners, dumb backpackers, idiots smuggling food in etc etc. If you want more of this crap make sure you subscribe to Foxtel and sometimes you can get a whole day of Border Security.

29 01 2010
Tone

I read somewhere that The Lifestyle Channel (?) had a Border Security marathon on Australia Day. If nothing else, this proves that Pay TV is getting better at knowing its market.

29 01 2010
pominoz

Yes thats correct. The only reason I have Foxtel is to watch the Premiership football. But each year they take away more and more of the channels included in my original subscription, so that now i am left with dreadful stuff like Lifestyle You and the shopping channels (a future Bogan subject me thinks!)

29 01 2010
Tone

They’ll buy any old tat from the TV so long as it’s being sold by a mob with the word ‘Direct’ somewhere in their name. Sure, if they waited 3 months or so they could buy the same tat from their local Go-Lo for 10% of BoganShopDirect’s price, but that’s not how bogans roll.

29 01 2010
Honest Matt

Premiership Football. Surely a post on its own. Our Bogan royalty – the Hewitt’s and co- have nothing on the Boganity of these players (mostly CHAVs) and their WAGs.

29 01 2010
Mark

thing is, it’s pretty much only Australia and New Zealand that are so strict about food being brought in, and it’s totally understandable, considering our isolation and fragile environment

One anecdote, I used to live in London, and lived with a Polish girl who returned home for a week, took an empty suitcase with her and brought it back full of meat, she had no problems with bringing it into the UK. So in this context, it’s understandable that many foreigners aren’t aware of these laws, especially if it’s their first time coming into Australia.

I agree that the show takes the inane (i.e. a UK citizen with an undeclared fraud conviction trying to enter the country, ZOMG!) and spices it up by making them look like shifty, untrusting foreigner trying to sabotage this country’s way of life, with music and a climax as to what will happen.

And not to mention at the very beginning, with the amateurish graphics showing Australia being targetted, ZOMG!

so I support the Customs Service 100%, but not Border Security’s producers

29 01 2010
pominoz

When coming back from a visit to Europe I have never had a problem with my Jaffa cakes and Walkers Crisps!

29 01 2010
Mark

processed, packaged food is allowed in, it’s not a risk to the environment

meat, however, is a different story, especially from the UK, with foot and mouth disease and all…

29 01 2010
Indi

Which, along with Mad Cow disease, explains your Polish friend’s actions.

29 01 2010
Toddo

Out of interest Pominoz, you don’t live in Joondalup West Aus do you?

29 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Of course your Polish friend had no problem with bringing meat into the UK; it wasn’t (suppoesedly) madcow infected like the UK meat!

When living in the UK, I never had a problem bringing food in from the continent, including meat stuff like salamis.

29 01 2010
Muz

He’s right. When I lived in Asia the locals carted all sorts of foodstuffs willy nilly between countries with no dramas.

So it’s sort of understandable that if old mate comes to Australia with his favourite brand of pork floss (don’t ask) he hasn’t done it intentionally.

29 01 2010
berihebi

My comment is awaiting moderation – TBL border security team at work.

I think there must be an automatic quarantine in place for swear words. Ironic considering today’s blog topic. TBL

29 01 2010
Mark

and unlike what most bogans believe, the reality is that EVERYONE has the right to enter this country, so long as you’re not a wanted criminal, have a contagious disease and have the correct visa.

This is a western democracy, with a justice system that has a presumption of innocence until proven guilty. It’s not Saudi Arabia, where you’re not allowed in if you’re Jewish, Israeli or an Atheist. and our visa requirements are nowhere near as strict as say, Russia’s (Soviet era bureaucracy that still remains).

29 01 2010
Shabadoo

Yeah but it still annoys me on the show when a Chinese couple sashays in with a suitcase full of dried God-knows-what, having lived in Australia for years, suddenly forgets their English and claims to have not understood the form …

However, memo TBL: This post sort of goes along with something I was thinking you should cover. The Bogan – or a certain subset of it – loves Authority. For as much as the bogan claims to be a free-wheeling larrikin, there’s an awful lot of them who, like children, like really firm rules. These folk can often be seen on the comment boards of News Ltd papers on articles about anything from speed limits to silly or ridiculous council regulations, and the response is always the same: “Do exactly as you’re told and there won’t be any trouble, you selfish idiots!”. The attraction is that it allows the poster to feel secure in their law abiding or environmental or otherwise superiority, and also allows them not to think about the implication of whatever the original article is about.

29 01 2010
SM Adelaide

but paradoxically, this love of authority can go hand in hand with hatred of the fun police….

29 01 2010
Dee

And the PC Police.

29 01 2010
Lis

“Do exactly as you’re told and there won’t be any trouble, you selfish idiots!”.

They certainly don’t apply this concept when visiting other countries “I wouldn’t get shot for carrying 5kg of weed in Australia, why do I have to follow your legal system when visiting here?????” said in loud tones of indignation (multiple question marks inserted for bogan effect)

29 01 2010
FT

Shabadoo, I think that might be oversimplifying things. In my extensive experience of reading the comments boards of News Ltd papers (which was all I had until I found TBL), the common bogue will love authority only when it loves them. Let me explain…

A story about 2000 traffic infringement notices for drivers who are 3km over the speed limit will create outrage amongst bogans, who like to use words like “revenue raisers”, “government coffers” and “nanny state”. Similarly, a story about a mum who was given a warning from police after hitting her daughter with a wooden spoon was received with disgust by most bogans – “why shouldn’t we be allowed to hit our children? It’s no wonder the kids of today have no respect for authority!”

However, then you can look at the stories about drunken ‘louts’ beating people up in the Melb CBD on any given weekend, and you have the exact opposite response – “give the police more powers, have the judiciary give out tougher sentences, raise the drinking age to 21″ (or, my personal fave, “ban alcohol!”). Or, as with the hoon debate, “crush their cars! raise the driving age to 21, don’t let them drive high powered cars” etc etc.

So, what we have here are the same people arguing for completely different government action, depending on the topic and the journalistic (if you can call it that) focus of the article… Further proving that the bogan species lacks certain fundamental brain functions, such as independent analytical thinking and the ability to make comparisons.

29 01 2010
James

I followed the comments of the spoon smacker too FT. That was hilarious, as I am certain that only a bogan would go to New Ltd about being warned about smacking with a wooden spoon, not realising how bad it makes her look. My favourite comments were the “My dad belted me and I turned out fine.” No, sir you did not. You are a bogan.

29 01 2010
Indi

News Limited, the colossus of the great Australian whine industry.

29 01 2010
Nelson Esq

Shaboo, I agree with you regarding bogans loving authority. However, the bogan only likes authority when they have it. They just love the power trip when exercising it…usually in a loud voice so all and sundry can see and hear…inother words, they x-ercise it in the x-treme!! That is why many bogans do become cops and the less intelligent ones, security guards and bouncers.
The bogan hates authority when they are on the receiving end of it. “Oh thoise fucken cops busted me, the arseholes!” The fact that they were doing 140km/h in a 100km’h zone is irrelevant.

That is the hipocracy of the bogan, which they can’t see for themselves.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Hipocracy is the fact that bogan Customs officers put all this work into scanning incoming ‘security issues’, when them terrist baggage handlers are stuffing the outgoing luggage with drugs and money for Muslamic organisations.

29 01 2010
Anonymous Bosch

Dammit. Bogan’s base their life around what’s on the TV. I don’t, so don’t get any of the references. The easily-observable ‘dress and behaviour’ stuff is far funnier.

29 01 2010
Toddo

I’m with you Anonymous B, I have no idea what half of these posts are on about, as my house is also TV free (except for Freo games during footy season, and then I turn the ads off)

Not that it matters, because you can always begin a comment with ‘off topic’.

We here at TBL bow down to both of your TV-lacking hipsterness. Quite amazing, bravo. TBL

29 01 2010
Ash

Marvellous work AB and T…please tell us more.

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/01/26/28-not-having-a-tv/

29 01 2010
Bogue

You’re getting value for money with free Freo games…at least if you’re running solar power and don’t have to pay for the electricity.

29 01 2010
Simon

Toddo,

Do you just watch the first quarter then turn off in disgust?

29 01 2010
Toddo

Simon, I almost feel compelled to begin with LOL, but no, I don’t turn off.
Freo supporters are like human anvils.

29 01 2010
Simon

My wife supports Richmond, she does not even bother to turn the TV on, just starts each year with a look of resignation on her face. I am a Weagle so get pissed off that the only game Freo bother with each year is the Derby.

29 01 2010
Toddo

Simon, if you are a true ‘Weagle’ I suggest you go into your home theatre, walk up to your framed poster of Benny, or Juddy, or Kerry or any other popular eagle followed by the letter ‘Y’ and remove it from the wall, as it doesn’t go with your Bali theme.

29 01 2010
Simon

Ouch, and we were getting on so well. Besides Big Cox (y) is the man. I have a Thai theme, I went upmarket.

29 01 2010
Toddo

OOh Thai! Noice. Well played.

29 01 2010
Simon

Ta, good luck with your new coach.

1 02 2010
brad

WCE what a joke club steroids in the nineties,amphetimines in the noughties-cheats

29 01 2010
Bogue

I thought it was the dreaded 4th quarter to be avoided by Freo fans, the one the team forgets to turn up for. Never mind Toddo, as a Saints fan, I spend many a year as a human anvil, celebrating losses of less than 20 points as a virtual victory. The worm she turns.

29 01 2010
Simon

Jesus Bogue, I would not admit to that, methinks you are in for many more years of heartbreak yet.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Could be worse, I could barrack for the Tigers!

29 01 2010
Simon

Or Port (shudder). Go the Chad.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Oh yes, I live out at the Port (not the swanky nouveau bogue Newport Quays) and, my god, there’s a lot of Chad out here…there’s a fair amount of Chad at the Eagles too!

29 01 2010
Simon

Bogue, you are fighting the battle on the front line, kudos to you. I live in Burnside where the average age is 103 but relatively bogan free. We traded our Chads to Victoria and retired the other one so hoping to become a Chad free zone.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Ah, my apologies. I stand corrected, Port Adelaide claims the Chad trophy, with its 95%ile bogan patronidge and average weight of 103kg.

29 01 2010
Simon

Bogue, you are a giant amoung men.

1 02 2010
brad

the Tredrea(Warren) is very port-poor mans Wayne Carey,my team also has some Chad like characters-and aPresident who wants too be President-not of a footy club!

5 02 2010
Simon

You barrack for Collingwood don’t you?

29 01 2010
Andy

That cuts me deep, Bogue. Go Tiges.

29 01 2010
Bogue

No offense Andy…things haven’t been going well at Punt Road, but at least you didn’t kick yourselves out of a Grand Final victory. I’m merely deflecting my pain by picking on those currently less fortunate…I am part bogan afterall.

29 01 2010
Andy

None taken. But as I’m sure you can relate to, it hurts being a laughing stock. I could write an essay on our last 30 years.

29 01 2010
Anonymous Bosch

Ugh. Hipsters are worse than Bogans. Nothing pretentious: I just can’t justify the price of a television once they went to plasma / LCD, and I don’t have a Bogan Wife to spit out a child to get the baby bonus to buy one.

What am I going to watch on it? A Current Affair? The Footy Show? Any ‘Australian Drama’? Whatever this Border Security thing is? It’s damn easy to get out of the habit of watching TV when the shows are largely aimed at the Western Suburbs demographic to begin with.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Not that there’s anything intrisically wrong with having a wife and a child, owning an LCD TV and living in the Western suburbs…:)

29 01 2010
Toddo

Anonymous, I agree with some of what you say.
Far from being a lefty veggo wannabe academic greeny, I choose to turn the box off at home, not as a fashion statement to match my broad framed glasses, but because I want to hang out with my wife and 4 children when I arrive home from work without any sensationalised news stories or soap operas interfering.
I make up for the mind numbingness of T.V. by listening to talkback radio when in my workshop/shed (I can’t pick up FM clearly where I live)

29 01 2010
Heist

SURELY it’s time for an article on excessive fake tan if one has not been completed already. The bogans natural suspicion of foreigners becomes all the more ridiculous when they sport a tandoori coloured coating

29 01 2010
Tone

I’m assuming that femme bogues do that in a crude attempt to curry the favour of the male bogue.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Such is the nature of their kulcha

29 01 2010
Tone

It’s a raita passage

29 01 2010
Bogue

“That’s a grouse tan ya got there, dahl”

29 01 2010
James

I love the way they think that no one knows too. Can anyone fathom how they can make themselves radioactive orange, then stand in front of a mirror and tell themselves they look noice?

29 01 2010
Bogue

A little too much tumeric perhaps?

29 01 2010
Indi

The coloured contact lenses do all the work.

29 01 2010
Paul

What about Channel Nein trying to out-bogan Border Security. They have enlisted the services of that guy who played the hardass with the tribal sleeve tatts, who banged, sorry, fell in love with, the wife of the idiot ‘godfather’ in the first season of Underbelly, to host a ripoff show using the tag line “Border Security – On an International Scale”. My bogan-meter just exploded. Of course, this has been heavily promoted to the bogan during the cricket. They even used the Haiti earthquake appeal at one of the games to pimp the new show to bogan, under the guise of raising money for World Vision for the people of Haiti.

Now, of course Nein don’t have access to Australian Customs and Immigration so have had to buy a cheap show from somewhere else (presumably the UK), hence the “International Scale”. This will create little interest to the bogan, as the UK is “already overrun by these dirty foreigners, and look the mess they have made of that place, that’s their fault so I’m not interested. All I know we don’t want to become like them” and so i predict the programme will flop, be bumped from the schedule within about 4 weeks, only to be replaced by yet another episode of Two and a Half Men.

29 01 2010
Keeping Kosher Klansman

Been watching ads on Nine lately? Wedged between KFC ads for the new hash brown and chicken fillet stuffed wrap doohickey there’s incessant proclamations that Two and a Half Men is BACK! Not sure where it went, but it’s BACK!! Nine says anything but Nein when it comes to that program… Ich bin ein wifebeater…

29 01 2010
Will S

The bogan loves its Two and a Half Men. The full season DVDs sell like hotcakes at the nondescript department store I work at.

29 01 2010
James

Either that or they don’t like carrying torches, and prefer to glow in the dark instead.

29 01 2010
Robbie

Great post TBL!!

I remember asking a guard at Sydney airport once why I wasn’t searched after going through the X-Ray machine whilst my 2 ‘more ethnic looking’ cousins were? All I got from him was that it is all random. What bullshit!!
The fact that I’m a blondish wog seems to work in my favour when compared to my brunette kin.

29 01 2010
James

This is so true. Coming back from a conference in the South Pacific recently, of our party all the Anglo-looking types were sent through the express line at Sydney airport, all the Islanders were sent through the other line.

29 01 2010
Lauren

See I get the oppisite. I’m a blond blue eyed Angle and I get searched every time I fly. Without fail. Heathrow, JFK, Sydney, Perth I get searched.

29 01 2010
Benjamin

I have a beard. I always get searched unless I carry one of the children.

Fun.

29 01 2010
Linda

Love this show!
I love it when the arguments of the passengers get all heated up and angry! :)

29 01 2010
dazz

My favourite TV shows are;
“Bogans go travelling” – Airport / Going places
“Bogans return from travelling” – Border Security
“Bogans get lost” – Missing persons unit
“Bogans pets get lost” – Animal Rescue
“Bogans save people” – Bondi Rescue
“Bogans find their parents” – Find my family
“Bogans speed and get caught” – Highway patrol
“Bogans arrange bhudist iconography” – Backyard blitz
“Bogans can cook” – Take your pick
“Bogans make bad actors” – Packed to the rafters
I could go on and on and on and on

29 01 2010
Bogue

Surely Bondi Rescue is “Bogans save other bogans”, or are suggesting that non-bogans actually intentionally visit Bondi Beach?

29 01 2010
James

Perhaps the non-bogans are just there to check out how the natives live?

29 01 2010
Bogue

Ah, you got me…then they get caught in a rip and dragged out to sea.

30 01 2010
Lee

Bondi is pseudo metro bogan heaven.

29 01 2010
Indi

You forgot the best one of all:
“Bogans run into things”
“Bogans kill each other”
“Bogans in court”
“Bogans appeal for help from the public”
“Bogans play sport”
It’s that show with the guy and girl at the desks, and the weather, and that.

29 01 2010
James

You mean the one where the evil dudes are obvious because they walk in slow motion and slam the door when the journo tried to barge his way inside?

29 01 2010
Indi

Nah, that comes next Thats:
“Bogans rip other bogans off”
“What the gummint is doing to/for bogans”
“Bogan issues in terms bogans can understand”

29 01 2010
James

How succinct and accurate a description is that? You should write those little blurbs in TV guides.

29 01 2010
Indi

They’re done for the next decade then. Wouldn’t wnat to put people out of work.

29 01 2010
Simon

My favourite show is Baywatch reruns, is that wrong?

29 01 2010
James

Oh yes, on so many levels.

29 01 2010
Simon

Thought so, but much better comedy value than washed up movie star, sidekick and fat kid.

29 01 2010
James

Again, yes. Even Play School offers better jokes than Two and a Half Men. Baywatch is gold compared to that rubbish.

29 01 2010
Simon

At my Saturday cycle group (yes donning lycra and riding around 2 abreast so bogans in Aichsv’s get pissed off and abuse us) the topic of 2 and 1/2 men was brought up, I voiced a negative opinion and got utterly howled down, had to check out my supposed friends for signs of frontal lobotomy. I just do not get it.

29 01 2010
Bogue

“…donning lycra and riding around 2 abreast…”

Hasn’t this already been clearly identified as bogan behaviour on this very forum? It’s selfish, attention attracting, beligerant behaviour, now with the added scorn for your negative assessment of 2.5 Men, surely you have begun to have suspecions that your friends are…gasp…bogans?

29 01 2010
Simon

Oh dear, actually a couple are bogans but in the nicest possible way. I still dispute cycling as a bogan activity however. Just for the record.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Oh, not cycling per se, it’s the ‘way you roll’ that makes the difference. Same as driving a car, it’s not bogan unless you’ve got 9 turbochargers and a Veilslide body kit, or anything over 4-litres under the bonnet.

29 01 2010
Simon

Ok Bogue, will go with that. I used to be scornfull of cyclists until I buggered both my knees and had to give up running. I love the sport but do admit there are quite a few dickheads in the ranks of cyclists, but doesn’t that just mirror life.

30 01 2010
dazz

As a fellow cyclist I can deffinately say that cycling has been infiltrated (for many years) by Bogans. All prospective Bayden Cookes out there, displaying with tribal tatts and overly competitive attitudes. I am not surprised you were shouted down about 2.5 by a proportion of the group. The rest would have been in silent agreement but too afraid of the bogues to speak up, lest they get a handpump through their front wheel at 30kmph (cycling equliavent of a glassing).

1 02 2010
Simon

You can spot the bogan cyclist, they cut the sleeves off their tops.

29 01 2010
Paul

“Fat Bogans Run”…and then cry…and then run some more

30 01 2010
Chris of South yarra

“bogans …well bogans just be bogans” – Big brother
“bogans make a last ditch effort for 5 mins of fame”- Aus idol

29 01 2010
Loftie

Great marketing and concept by the seven/nine network to cater to the bogan taste…

Racism wearing the cloak of a reality tv show…

Very similar to Wife Swap…. if they had an Australian version of this – I would watch it… They are so blatant in finding people that hate someone, and then find that exact person to move in with them…. I remember watching the british version…

It was a black UK woman, and she was interviewed and asked what sort of person she hates…. “I don’t like overweight middle aged white men who drink a lot… and I hate men that don’t do housework….”
For this: She was swapped into a home where the family live NEXT DOOR to a pub, and the husband is at the pub every minute that he’s not at home… housework = 0…

Brilliant…

29 01 2010
Lauren

The best one was the American version where they put a fundamental Christian with a family of atheits. She went batshit insane and had a meltdown.

29 01 2010
Tony D

The clip of her coming home and ranting about being a warrior of god is one of my all time youtube favourites. I highly recommend it (search for “wife swap god warrior” or somesuch).

29 01 2010
S-Man

Hah, that is classic!

1 02 2010
James

“Dark sided”? That is mental…

29 01 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

My favourite bogan show is the one where bogans video their kids/wife/friends/ animals falling off/over/onto/into things and the this weeks blonde bogan presenter and full on bogan audience laugh at the visuals and John Blackmores silly voiceovers.

Anybody see 7 ages of rock last night.

Absolutely beautiful retro bogan on Metal music and how the gay lead singer of Judas Priest introduced the gay leather fetish fashion the macho tribal world of hard core metal heads.

Fkn hilarious how all these homophobic, mysognist, headbanging early 80’s boges all wore this homo/erotic leather studded gear about to show their tribe :)

The bogan duped, fleeced, and as usual, not getting it :)

29 01 2010
Indi

Most memorable description of a heavy metal band encountered: ‘a tendency to look like unconvincing tranvestites’. Guess.

29 01 2010
Lis

Twisted Sister? I once saw an interview with Dee Snider, and he spoke about the get up he wore, and how his girlfiend used to put him in it. Either them or maybe Motely Crue or Poison.

29 01 2010
Indi

Bullseye. But once the image is in your mind, all heavy metal bands start looking like bad trannies.

29 01 2010
Lis

I’m about to get slayed for this – If you’re referring to 80’s hair metal, I concur. For others, I will beg to differ (long hair aside).

29 01 2010
Simon

Hairmetal was a golden age. Have you ever seen the documentary The Decline of Western Civilisation Part 2 – The Metal Years which looks at the hair metal phenomenon and where the pretty boy/ tranny look comes from, great film. Horrible music but facinating culture.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Go no further than Poison’s first album cover…it made David Bowie look like Chooper Reid!

29 01 2010
Freddo

Also check out ‘Heavy Metal Parking Lot’ a doco containing random interviews of metal fans waiting outside the venue of a Priest concert.
Truly cringe-worthy yet it’s impossible to look away…

29 01 2010
Indi

It seems you think looking like a bad trannie is not something to which a rock band should aspire. The Stones looked liked trannies or bull dykes (before the taxidermy), Bowie, T-Rex, New York Dolls, Roxy Music, all popped on a frock and a bit of slap. The eighties would never have happened without gel and eyeliner, and never forget Sweet.

29 01 2010
Lis

I think the bad trannie look is well worth having – big fan of Bowie ands T-Rex, and most 70’s glam. Just making the comment not all metal bands look like bad trannies – sometimes to their detriment, I’m sure.

29 01 2010
Bogue

They looked like clowns to me…I couldn’t possibly consume enough alcohol to mistake Noddy Holder for a transvestite.

29 01 2010
Indi

The emphasis is on unconvincing. It must be said one of the biggest flaws of rock in general is taking itself very seriously and in the cas eof much metal in particular a complete lack of humour.

29 01 2010
shazza

Except for Spinal Tap Indi, they seemed to enjoy a laugh.

29 01 2010
Simon

Surely Warrant were taking the piss. They could not be serious with Cherry Pie, possibly the highwater mark of Hairmetal.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. By clown I meant the entertainer type, not ‘buncha farkin…’, i.e. they did not attempt to emulate transvestites. I guess it’s the same for metal…perhaps we should do a leaflet drop in the front row at the next Lamb of God concert?

29 01 2010
Indi

Queen must have been biting their (facial) cheeks to stop themselves laughing for much of their career.

29 01 2010
Bogue

Which reminds me, there is a very talented non-bogan, non-transvestite original indie/country rock band playing at the Exeter on Rundle Street, Adelaide this evening. ;)

29 01 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

John Blackman not Blackmore – sorry got all confused with Funniest Home Videos and the creator of the most legendary bogan metal guitar riff of all time – Richie Blackmore.

29 01 2010
Chris of South yarra

The ads for these programs is where the boganess comes out , lol like the other week the voice over went something like this “so this sneaky american woman thinks she can outsmart customs, she has no idea what shes in for” in the most exagerated voice..lol

29 01 2010
jay

bogans need voice-overs so they can understand what they are seeing.

29 01 2010
Simon

Bit like in movies when the baddie takes out his gun and checks the bullets, just so you know they have a gun and it is loaded. Sometimes they even do it twice if the director feels he can’t trust his audience to retain this knowledge.

31 01 2010
Jodie

Haha. SO true. On a similar note, I cannot STAND it when newsreaders, reporters and politicians drop the professionalism a notch to speak in folksy, blokey colloquialisms so as to appeal to the masses. I don’t care for your banter, Mal Walden, just read me the news. ABC and SBS manage it, but I guess it’s too much of a stretch for the commercial networks to allow for those of us who see through the intellectually insulting ruse. Hmph. Yes, hmph.

I didn’t think I’d already be a curmudgeon at 31. Guess I was wrong. ;)

29 01 2010
hel

“defend the nation that it has done so very little to create.” = gold

29 01 2010
freud's beard

Dear TBL,
It was a good run, 74 posts and entertaining. Unfortunately, like everything you said, once it becomes popular and maintstream others pick up on it and completely misunderstand, take for example yesterday’s response from Bogan Power and todays from Bobblehead “pinko-lefty cause-celebres.” and ruin it for everyone else. Next will be ‘do-gooders’ and ‘PC police’ attacks from posters not quite getting it. A bit like the Chaser. Oh well, it was fun, I’ll still read the blog but my desire to post has diminished. On another note, I really enjoyed today’s blog, very humorous.

29 01 2010
Franga Hanga

Long time reader, first time poster.

Absolutely spot on post, as usual. Only one point of order, in a couple of recent posts you’ve malappropriated (subject of post #26) the word “Replete”. Replete is synonmous with “full” not, not “complete”.

Hey Franga, thanks for joining the fray! For the record: “…large room replete with suspicious-looking foreigners…” You could substitute ‘full of’ for ‘replete with’, and you have the same sentence. We studiously avoid bogan linguistic errors. TBL

29 01 2010
pulang

i find it hilarious that this programme is also broadcast on the australia network, which is a cable tv channel throughout east and south-east asia that was originally established to promote australia in these countries!

29 01 2010
Ollie

I live in Norway and Australian Border Security is shown here. It’s very popular too so maybe it’s not just Australian bogans who enjoy watching it…..

30 01 2010
Lee

Bogan classic television on channel 7 this morning, AFL Footy Classics with the 1977 grand final between Nth Melb and Collingwood…………………. because anyone in sydney cares!

30 01 2010
Bogue

…or the rest of the country (although I must clarify that I believe Sydney is so ‘foreign’ must belong to another country…probably New Zealand)

30 01 2010
JimmyMac

Sure that wasn’t on “Seven Two” ? I’ve noticed that 72 seems to think that endless AFL reruns are just what’s needed to make the gummint think that they’re really using that extra part of their digital spectrum.

30 01 2010
Lee

Sorry yes it was on seven “two”. And when I said Sydney I probably should have said NSW. They also play re runs of AFL games on One or Ten HD quite often. Do they play old re runs of rugby league games in places other than NSW and QLD?

30 01 2010
Bogue

Would love to see AFL re-runs of good or interesting games, but it seems they play any old game, sometimes not very old either (a recent Brisbane v Carlton Qualifying Final showing…the game was only played 4 months ago!). I’ve never seen old NRL games advertised on TV here in SA, so probably only programmed in NSW and QLD.

30 01 2010
Lee

Thats good then, we dont get old re runs of league games either! AFL looking at australasian domination?

1 02 2010
brad

of course Lee its the best game(and hardest physically,athletically and in execution of skills) i do sense a hook in my mouth though,but seriously you should watch these re-runs and you too will become enlightened too our (Australians) game

31 01 2010
BogansBegone

Bogan-est program ever ? Naah , mate – ThingBogansLike should take a look at it’s acronym-sake (I just made that word up : must be the bogan in me) TheBiggestLoser

1 02 2010
James

Had to watch the intro episode last night BogansBegone, and I must say they have outboganed themselves this year. Looking forward to a hilarious season.

31 01 2010
DP

I had to laugh when I read the blog. My Asian mum-in-law loves watching this show – ESPECIALLY when the perps-in-question are Asian. Is this reverse-boganism: immigrants going native so to speak?

1 02 2010
Indi

A well-recognised phenomenon- ask Greeks and Croatians about the Vietnamese, ask the Vietnamese about Lebs. Interesting to know what the MIL’s migration history was- fourth generation Aussie perhaps?

1 02 2010
Petal

A lot of the customs officers are bogans. They love nothing more than to interrogate the weary traveller at 6am in their broadest strine whilst their dogs sniff inappropriately around them. And the immigration officers aren’t much better. It’s like they’re all on some boganic power-trip because they and they alone are calling the shots on who can and can’t enter the country. So in fact, bogans are to blame for the country’s “immigration problem” they lament on their favourite programs like A Current Affair. And Border Control…

1 02 2010
Chas Underwood III

Does border patrol help keep Bogons IN Australia and off of US soil? The wealthy mocked by http://StuffRichPeopleLove.com like America to remain American! You guys have a great site! Hilarious! Regardless of whether you are arseholes or lovely!

1 02 2010
Nicko

I wonder if TBL would contemplate having a “Favorite ACA / Today Tonight Bogan Moments” thread. We all have glorious memories. My favorite is below.

ACA Presenter to smoking Bogan mum pushing pram – “Are you concerned about second hand smoke and its effect on your baby?”

Bogan Mum – (indignant rage)” Well, I drink around my daughter..so no not really…”

Passive drinking? Admitting to both drinking and smoking around your baby?

Priceless.

3 02 2010
Korubell

From what I’ve seen of the Border Patrol show, the common or garden variety Australian customs officer’s inner drama queen sure does like playing it up for the camera. Perhaps they’re all looking for their big break and chance to shrug that uniform off for once and for all.

16 02 2010
Johnny Come Lately

This blog is hilarious, and so true.

Other things they like are:

The Death Penalty

Shock Jocks

News Ltd

Everlast gym gear

The Footy Show – Sam Newman / Street Talk is funny

Supporting the wars in Iraq / Afghanistan

12 03 2010
raki

this show is incredibly popular in the Netherlands!

22 06 2010
Australian

Australia always favors immigration. Immigration, foreign student studies, tourism are the backbone of Australian economy.
You may contact Australia migration agencies for migration.Australia can be a favorable destination for foeign immigrations who plan to settle in a peaceful and well-developed country.

Did you see they have released the list of skilled occupations list recently in June to restrict the occupations from 400 to abt 181?

So, can you comment on this?

8 09 2010
Rowedizzle

This is the GREATEST blog i have ever seen!

The greatest!

Can’t wait to leave this bogan infested scum hole… i am partial to wild turkey but.

24 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I must share my story here upon my return to Australia.

Being a minority means I get double attention from Customs. Being a curry means I get triple. Being a curry with long hair and a beard means they’re having to restrain themselves from giving me a body cavity search on sight. And this is just after a trans-Tasman trip. After three weeks out of Australia and having India and that mecca of foreign food production Singapore on my destination list means they automatically had to give my bags an extra search.

Knowing this, I mentioned that I had food to declare even though, to my memory, I had absolutely nothing. Nevertheless, once the Customs officers caught wind of me they started asking me a load of questions which I gave monosyllabic answers to without revealing my accent much (“Do you have food in your bag?” “Nah.” “Then why’d you say you did?” “Be safe.” “How long were you in India?” “Coupla days.” “Be more specific?”) until eventually I flipped out and gave them a bogan tirade of sorts (“Listen mate. I’ve gone across the world in the past 24 hours. I am tired as fuck and jet lagged. So can I please just open my bags up, show you there’s nothing there and that I declared just to be on the safe side, close them up and go home?”)

I did say it quite politely, which seemed to surprise them. In the end they agreed to do a simple search of my backpack (not even the side pockets or X-ray) and once they saw nothing there, they let me go.

The next day I find a half-eaten Snickers bar from Charles de Gaulle airport in one of my side pockets. As our Fi would say, LOL.

17 03 2011
Syd111

Fuck you hipsters are douchbags. After reading through some of your condescending post’s about what, god forbid, somebody views in the privacy of their own home I have realised that you although you may try and claim it you are the least individual people of all.

Instead of watching what you like you find programs that are commercially viable, put them down and then quickly find some stupid program on the ABC with some ultra left wing potlitical young mind telling us the world will end in 6 years if we don’t start driving hyrbid cars.

At the end of the day I find seeing 5 kgs of heroin being siezed and actually seeing someone who profits of other peoples death being caught more satisfying to watch than some pretencious garbage about fashion or “global warming”…

Last night I watched the US version of The Office, and a couple of episodes of Flight of the Conchords. Both were good. TBL

4 02 2012
Jim boyd

Drugs continue to pour into Australia and is readily available to buy on the streets, why?
-Because when you watch border security 99.9% of people who are taking in for internal searches are blacks and Asians. White travellers are regarded as low risk and not frequently subjected to internal body searches. Drugs enter Australia easily via these so called white “Legitimate travellers”

19 02 2012
Rosie McPherson

I can’t wait to be on the show, I can’t wait to look weird, dodgy, foreign and laugh at those Customs, sick show…

“um… he’s from Nigeria… then went to Dubai for 2 days. It’s unusual for him to go to Dubai for 2 days…. There’s no need to go to Dubai for 2 days…”

What’s so unusual about that???? What if I feel like going to Dubai and then Syria and then the Antartica, so what.

Can’t wait to be on the show and question those sick f-ing bogans.

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