MELBOURNE CUP CARNIVAL SPECIAL – PT I
The bogan loves to gamble. The thrill of semi-illicit activity is an irresistible call to many, as is the social expectation that men must gamble. However, one visit to the races during a major meet will demonstrate an unambiguous failure with this theory: the bogan doesn’t know anything about horse racing. They will wander the lawns at Flemington, or Royal Randwick, wearing a newly-minted pinstripe suit with white crocodile skin shoes, carrying a form guide that they have NO IDEA HOW TO READ.
They will then proceed to stand in the queue at the bookies, confusedly staring at the mystifying collection of letters and numbers, all the while attempting to look quite the professional punter. Upon arriving at the front of the queue, however, the bogan will invariably place $10 each way on the horse called ‘Cunning Stunt’ or ‘Golden Shower’, or some other semi-sexual double entendre.
Then, twenty minutes later, when Far Kennel comes in thirteen lengths behind the winner, they dramatically tear up their ticket, acting for all the world as though some immense equine conspiracy has robbed them of the sure thing that their extensive skills had proffered.
This is the scarcely concealed secret behind the success of gambling industries the world over. What pokies and slots are to septuagenarians, ill-informed sports betting is to the bogan. Billions of dollars are lost to these corporate behemoths as a direct result of male bogan efforts to appear smart and financially successful to their female equivalents. This, in turn, is driven by the female bogan’s (well, any bogan, really) appreciation of easy money (see future installments). And there is no easier money than the fabled professional gambler, turning over tens of thousands of dollars on the back of his sophisticated system, in syndication with other veterans of the caper. Instead, they get idiots throwing their money away, only to spend more at the bar drowning their sorrows and bemoaning the horses’ inability to get over the line. Even though it was paying $25. And the form said it was no chance.