Things Bogans Like

In the 21st century, the bogan is no longer only interested in his town, the nearest beach, and the occasional trip to Queensland. While they remain suspicious of other cultures, they want to see the world, hold different beers in their hand, and sleep with more foreigners (white) than ever before. Enter the Contiki tour.

Contiki, and the companies like it, package up overseas experiences so that the bogan can satisfy all of these needs. Up to 60 bogans are loaded into a bus at the airport, and are then whisked around for the next fortnight, vomiting in a different part of a continent each day. The bogan is able to physically witness many landmarks it has seen on television, and participate in hilarious “holding up the leaning tower” style photos, over and over and over again. All without the dreaded need to problem solve, learn, or communicate with locals.

The tour company, meanwhile, organises every meal, bed, transfer, and drinking location, while supervising and micro-managing every moment. This leaves the bogan to do what it does best – create a boorish, ignorant vortex that ruins the location for anyone else who happens to be there, and make clumsy attempts to fornicate with other members of the tour group. With rarely more than 24 hours spent in one city, Contiki ably caters to the short attention span and one-dimensional needs of the new bogan.

Now that Contiki has recently commenced offering all-inclusive tours through Southeast Asia, the bogan is now able to visit a whole array of countries in the region that were previously too hard. Hence, the male bogan can now be seen in his home town with a wider array of foreign beer-branded singlets than ever before, impressing the female bogan with his new sense of cosmopolitanism and worldliness. The female is also now more worldly, thanks to the purchase of an oriental home furnishing item after haggling and berating a peasant street stall for 10 minutes to save 40 cents.