The bogan likes to procreate. Its desire to simultaneously possess and devour its cake has resulted in furious, ill-advised spawning. With the federal government providing replacement cake in the form of the baby bonus, bogans have brought about a malaise that has had far reaching effects across the political and social landscape of the country. A traffic jam of bogan offspring has been unleashed onto the unsuspecting world, one Mercedes and McLaren at a time. While bogan progeny are mostly harmless until the age of three, they do require assistance to be transported prior to developing fully functional walking skills. And the only way a bogan’s baby may travel is by the biggest, loudest and most maxtreme form of baby conveyance – a massive, “fuck-off we’re fertile”, pram.
Mumma Hummers, as they are affectionately known, are the armoured tanks of the baby transport world; the M1 Abrams of the toddler moving universe. These giant infant carriers ruthlessly dominate every footpath, zebra crossing and food court aisle that they happen to rumble across. Should a stray pedestrian or non-extreme pram cross their path, the victim is likely to be subjected to the bogan’s perspective on parenthood.
“I’m fucking outraged. I blame this whole thing on the bloody government. First, they tell us to have more bloody kids because Peter Costello said to have one for Australia, and we’ll get five grand for free. Of course, those rip-off artists didn’t tell us how expensive kids are, or that I will put on weight and can’t bloody drink Sav Blonk for a year”.
While the bogan could have obtained a perfectly serviceable pram and other accessories for a fifth of the price, products that don’t allow for extreme child rearing are not realistic alternatives. The massive $2,450 pram allows the bogan to endow itself with ungodly levels of parental territoriality, and includes technology adapted from the space shuttle. For while the bogan mother is walking a child instead of a pit bull, it desires to intimidate all the same. Soon, a clever designer will realise the commercial possibilities of covering the side of prams with tribal tattoo designs and toothsome horned animals.