Bogan Bribe Watch – July 30

30 07 2010

Worms

Back at school, the bogan heard about the debating club. It wasn’t really certain that the club existed, but the constant, whispered rumours of a nefarious nerd collective that gathered in the bowels of the school to argue without weaponry were persistent enough to convince the bogan of its existence. Even so, it couldn’t fathom the notion of organised discussion being conducted in a contrived, non-impulsive manner.

Flash forward to today, and the bogan, faced with an election, and a choice between Moving Forward and REAL ACTION, finds that debating is Very Important. On Sunday, three million people watched the leaders of the major parliamentary parties duke it out with their minds on national television. They had a debate. Once every three years, bogans take an interest in debating. However, being unaccustomed with rational considered thought and balancing ideological and philosophical mores against each other, the bogan lusts after instruction as to what to think. The debate was most notable for its complete lack of animosity and gimmicks. Both party leaders seemed completely lost without a menagerie of budget-surplus-fuelled bogan bribes to refer to, and so they resorted to acting really nice in the hope that the bogan would not notice.

Lacking EmotionDrums™ or present-past-future tense commentary from Masterchef contestants, the major commercial networks nonetheless have striven to provide the bogan with appropriate thought fodder. In the form of the bogan’s favourite pixelated invertebrate, The Worm. For 35 months out of 36, the only worm that the bogan cares about is stranded under 700ml of tequila, yet in the weeks approaching election day, bogans everywhere prick up their ears for the first three minutes of the debate. Once both leaders began using words like ‘policy’, the bogan wandered off to order some beef avec blackbean to eat before the Masterchef final, and allowed the squiggly line determine the country’s fate.

The worm, offered via the twiddling dials of a bunch of unengaged bogans locked in a room without a worm to guide them, tells the bogan exactly how good everything the debaters say is. For some time, the worm was sufficient to tell the bogan what to think. However, as is its wont, bogans grew tired of the elegant simplicity of a single line. It wanted more. Naturally, channels nine and seven responded with a near-superhuman alacrity. This time, not only could the bogan be told what to think, but what it should think BY GENDER. Rapidly, The Worm validated the male bogan’s dismissal of a chick PM, and the femme-bogue’s desperate yearning to share genitalia with the nation’s leader. The bogan, however, doesn’t really care about these things, and is far more concerned with discussing which leader ‘won’ the debate, according to the worm.

The next day, as bogans across the land gathered at their various workplaces and schools, they sagely pointed out that ‘women only want to vote Labor ‘cos she’s a chick’, and that ‘the Worm hates Liberals’; two phrases that it heard immediately after the debate finished.


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177 responses

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Martin,

You have the power dude!

30 07 2010
martin

Yeah all I had to do was say f$ck and I got what I wanted! 😀

30 07 2010
pb

you are the squeaky wheel of tbl.

30 07 2010
miss dahl

Perhaps if there had been more baiting, the bogan could get fully engaged and sit out the full debate.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I watched a debate once and was mystified at how the movement of the worm bore no relationship to what was coming out of the polys mouth. Also how well are powerfoxes elocution lessons coming along.

30 07 2010
Mick

Simon loves saying powerfox.

Put an extra x or two on the end. That’ll make it awesome.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Powerfoxxxe!!!

30 07 2010
Mick

I’m sceptical of this worm thingy.

The bogues wouldn’t have been casting opinion on the issues discussed. They would have thought the device in their hand was a remote control and were trying to turn it down or switch over to TAAHM/Masterbogue/Hey Hey or some other such rubbish.

30 07 2010
Sibyl Ince

I clearly see three worms under that guy’s picture. Is one of those from Australia’s secret third sex?

30 07 2010
martin

It’s from the average sex. People who are only somewhat rootable.

30 07 2010
pb

brilliant, martin!

30 07 2010
James Hunter

Sibyl,
The third worm ? That is Foney Rabbit !!

30 07 2010
miss dahl

@Mick et al, I, too am sceptical of this silly worm. I get the feeling that it is just another dumbing down routine – why do we need a pixellated worm device to show us how the debate is going? Can’t anyone follow a debate, or a discussion in plain English (our pollies don’t seem to use big words anyway…) without a cartoon trick?

30 07 2010
Mick

The ones who can follow debate are watching Q&A. The ones who want their opinion confirmed watch the worm. And it comes in different colours too.

30 07 2010
martin

I watched channel 9 and Tony did pretty good with the girls. I think the femmebogue doesn’t like being told what to do and will pick the other choice just to be fickle.

30 07 2010
T-ra

I can’t help but think that if Kochy and Mel didn’t talk about the debate (and the worm) the following morning and tell them who won the battle of the worm, none of the bogans would really care. I don’t think a squiggly line on the bottom of a TV screen is enough to engage the average bogan. That may require listening to what is actually being said. All they want are nice short sound bites and then decide on who they are going to vote on based on who is ‘less gay’.

I also don’t buy the ‘femme-bogues love Julia’ angle either. Women do not generally support other women (female competitiveness being what it is) and while it pains me to say this, Abbott isn’t a completely ugly man and he likes to get about in his budgie smugglers and bike shorts. That will no doubt make many a middle age femme-bouge feel a little bit funny in their Big W bought undies. Plus he is, apparantly, a man who hates women…hello! What is more attractive to a femme-bogue than someone who is going to denegrate the remaining shreds of their self-esteem? I bet the femme-bogues vote for Abbott in droves and we have our very own version of the ‘Bradley Effect’. Just a thought!

30 07 2010
miss dahl

T-ra, you’re so bad! But seriously, Julia isn’t really a femmebog aspiration. If anyone thinks that she is, they are getting their feminist threads in a tangle. However, if it were, say… the Aussie answer to Madonna (y’know, more slutty than intellectual, and roolly rich with a really bad attitude) then I can see the femmbogs turning up at dawn at the polling booths.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

So who is the aussie the femmebouge will turn out for. I can only think our Kylie would get a good vote. Any others?

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Women are jealous of Kylie. She’d get the homo vote, though. I reckon Magda would be the one. She’s funny AND on Jenny Craig ads.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Not slutty enough. How about Dr Eddleston’s wife the ham beast? Probably right on Kylie.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Again, the femmebogue would be jealous of her. That’s a sad realisation, huh?

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yep, so there is no femme the Femmebogue will vote for?

30 07 2010
Shirley M

If it were possible to have a posthumous PM, they’d vote for Jane McGrath.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Only coz she is dead. They would have hated her alive, pom and all, stealing Glen.

30 07 2010
miss dahl

Kylie is so squeaky clean. Maybe the elderly femmbog would go for her, being a cancer survivor and all. Bride of Edelsten, not very well known for anything other than inappropriately revealing clothes on a chunky body. No, I was thinking more along the lines of Naomi Robson, Cat White or Clare Werbelloff.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Or Kerri-Anne.

Fark. That’s a horrible thought.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You’ve nailed it though Shirl.

30 07 2010
pb

i don’t think the ham beast (love it, simon) is well enough known outside victoria – most of my knowledge of her has come from here on tbl, and i think it would be the same for other non-victorians.
as another suggestion, what about naomi robson? or maybe tracey grimshaw? they’re well known, the bogue is likely to trust everything that comes out of their mouths, and i don’t see anything that would bring out femmebogue jealousy.

30 07 2010
Peter

Urm, dude, hambeast is one word.

31 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Not when I use it.

31 07 2010
Shirley M

I like to use hamb east myself.

30 07 2010
martin

Magda is too smart and talented. Maybe Mercedes Corby. Actually I think it’d be a lost cause trying to find someone to unite the femmebogue. They like bitching and gossiping too much. It’s at the the core of their being which is why they know they deserve to be oppressed by a chauvanist.

30 07 2010
Mick

The femmebogue has and always will love Lisa McCune.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Good call Mick. They also love Bec Hewitt I think? Maybe perhaps…

30 07 2010
Mick

The femmebogue loved Bec when she was married to a successful tosser. Now that our Lleyton is just a common tosser her star has waned.

Bogans are fickle creatures.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

But according to a stat I made up she still appears on a womens mag cover every 15 hrs 27 mins.

30 07 2010
Mick

The bogue only has a information retention span of 12 hrs.

If each magazine cover is only reminding the bogue to worship this person then said person has jumped the shark.

30 07 2010
martin

Good one. Only fairly attractive, fairly intelligent, little threat to the femmebogues much warranted inferiority complex.

30 07 2010
vivisection

and Georgie Parker

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I thought Georgie was universely disliked?

30 07 2010
vivisection

Doesnt she own every third logie ever made? Or is that a statistic I made up?

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

You are correct, girls aged 12-15 love her.

30 07 2010
vivisection

according to official sources, I presume.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yep, The ABS of S.

30 07 2010
T-ra

Yep, I agree with that. If a Ke$haaa (or, however, you spell her name) type character was running, that would get the femme-bogues all excited!

hehehehee I don’t think anyone has ever called me ‘so bad’ before! I quite like it 😉

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Don’t bogans also watch those ‘comedy’ debates with Paul ‘I used to be cool but falsely believe I still am’ McDermott that are on the telly?

Anyway, I didn’t see the debate. I had my mum staying with me and was busy in the kitchen getting dinner ready so that it would all be over in time for her to watch the Masterchef finale. Not that I minded. I’m voting for leaky cock.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Paul was cool?

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Sure he was. Back in DAAS days.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I always thought he was a wanker but DAAS were cool so some of that must rub off.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

At least he wrote his own jokes back then, and didn’t sing ‘throw your arms around me’. Fark I hate it when he does that. I hate him all round, to be honest. Along with Mikey ‘I used to make jokes about being fat and now I make jokes about what it was like to be fat’ Robbins.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yeh, I loved Mikey when he was on the J’s with Helen Razer. Do we all lose it when we get old? And who is the weird looking chick on their show. She sucks too.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Don’t know her name. Don’t watch it. It makes me violent. I don’t think we all lose it when we get old. I hope not anyway. Maybe the ones who lose it never really had it in the first place, and they were just products of their time.

18 06 2011
Agreeance

I once spent an afternoon having a fantastic and hilarious time getting shitfaced with Mikey at the Harold Park Hotel, not having a clue that he was “anyone”.

That was nearly twenty years ago, but.

… and as bad as Paul is, he’s fucking Groucho Marx next to that other one… what’s ‘is name?… oh, yeah: Tim Ferguson!

30 07 2010
martin

Yeah. How many times did he sing that song. About a million.

I thought he was more of a libtard hero. Like a “oh we’re so JJJ and so cool everything we say is funny even if it’s lame” type. Like spicks and specks.

30 07 2010
martin

“We f$ck dogs” is a great song though, DAAS was great.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

My partner in crime got the complete DAAS DVD for christmas. It’s aged terribly. They wore bolero jackets ffs. Some great songs, though. And I still love Richard.

30 07 2010
martin

I haven’t seen it for about 10 years so I’ll take your word for it.

31 07 2010
Andrew

New steps, new steps!

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Dude, I will glass anyone who disses Spicks and Specks.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

I watch S&S religiously, but Adam Hills does give me the shits occasionally. Largely when he metaphorically blows some of the more esteemed guests.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

True, but some of the guests deserve said blowing.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

I don’t know Simon. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a gushing amputee. 😉

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sounds like a member of the Crazy 88 in Kill Bill.

30 07 2010
martin

It’s really ghey. Like wine. I had it on last night in the background whilst I was waiting for The Chaser and Review with Myles Barlow. Really annoying when they’re doing the singing bit out of a book.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

So if you lose The Rock you were only a pretender. Makes sense, I’m looking at you Sting etc.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Not so much a pretender, just in the right place at the right time. The universe allowed them to be cool, but they didn’t give cool to the universe.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ok, some like The Knack are allowed brief cool whereas others get away with it for years like Bono.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Yeah, kind of. But see, The Knack are still cool because they knew when their time was up and stopped trying. They accepted the deal that the universe gave them. Bono is milking it, and eventually the time will come when he will be remembered as a knob.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

1989 was the date Shirl. If The Knack launch a comeback tour they the move into Knobworld right? And join so many of their counterparts.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Yeah, I reckon.

30 07 2010
vivisection

Too late for the Knack , Doug whatshisname died earlier this year. Brain tumour or cancer of some sort, i think. 😦

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thus the legend passes on unsullied.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

There is an exception to this. The Pixies, they remain cool no matter what.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Not an exception. They fall into the ‘gave cool to the universe’ category. Thus, they can do whatever the f*ck they please.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Anyone who releases a record as brilliant as Surfer Rosa get a life long free pass.

30 07 2010
vivisection

At risk of being lynched, I begrudgingly have to nominate Lady Gaga as possibly the only current offering of genuine cool. I was indifferent to her until i was given a free ticket to her concert. I didn’t go, but was offered again for the second show and thought why not, its not a school night. I was actually impressed with what I saw. Musically, I can take or leave her, but you have to give credit to a 24 year old who can tour a massive concert like she did and only charge 90 bucks. Her personal politics stand up to scrutiny too.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*leaves room to find horse and stout rope*

30 07 2010
Shirley M

See, I think Lady Gaga is a product of her time. The universe has allowed her to be cool right now, but it won’t last. She’s just a mainstream Peaches. Now there’s a bitch who’s genuinely cool.

30 07 2010
vivisection

Peaches had two good albums then it went to the dogs. Peaches was also a product of the times back in the early noughties. Either I grew up or she needs to, I haven’t decided yet. And I was a huge fan of her first two albums. It just didn’t go to the next level like it needed to. I do think Lady Gaga might be the next Madonna though, except she can actually sing on a piano without a vocoder or a backing track carrying all the notes for her. I would suggest that tacky trollop Kee$sha is what would be described as a product of this time.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ah I just think of ladies like PJ or Sleater Kinney and GaGa/Madonna and her ilk are just arse clowns. Peaches is a bit of a one trick pony but it was a good trick for a while.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Lady Gaga is a talented songwriter and musician, I’ll give her that – moreso than Madonna. I personally think her songs are terrible though, and she is fuelling the whole ’empowerment’ movement that so many idiot women are confusing with feminism. Kee$sha or whatever isn’t even cool in a product of the times way. She’s just a dirty slutbag stopout who will disappear into obscurity very soon.

30 07 2010
vivisection

I don’t think that Gaga is fueling an empowerment movement in the same way as P!nk etc. Gaga’s message seems to be more about self acceptance as opposed to the “I’m a loud / aggro chick, therefore a feminist” messages like P!nk gives out. Gaga pretty much is about living and letting live, not proving a point. A better message in my opinion. And really, at the end of the day, there isn’t much else happening at the moment of substance.

30 07 2010
T-ra

I must say I am a late convert to the GaGa. I completely dismissed her at first, but at the insistance of my husband I watched a few things of hers on the interwebs…she can really sing and is a genuine musician. Plus when you realise that the whole ‘Lady GaGa’ persona is actually a bit of a piss take on the whole notion of celebrity, then her get up is all pretty funny and I think very cool.

30 07 2010
pb

oh vivi, lady gaga?! say it isn’t so. can’t stand the ‘look at me i’m oh so controversial and arty’ woman. and the fact that she sings out of key even when using autotune, while certainly a talent, isn’t a good thing.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

PB – respect.

30 07 2010
vivisection

Better than look at me , I’m cheap! I’m not saying she is the be all and end all, however, out of the current crop of pop stars for the younger generation, she stands out as the most interesting. I thought she did an outstanding live performance when I saw her. I was completely dismissive of her before i saw her, so I understand why you are. I just feel like she is owed more credit than initial appearances give.

30 07 2010
vivisection

And I think there is always a generational bias, no-one in a younger generation is as cool as the idols of your own. I’m sure older Beatles fans probably thought the Pixies were crap.

30 07 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
Arn’t they ?

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv, you are assuming there that Beatles fans had taste! Actually I saw her poker face song once and that was it for me. I have not listened to anything else. All I see is her trying to wear as little as possible to get as much publicity as possible. Just can’t see any artistic merit there. Could be I am getting old and set in my ways but I like to think I can still acknowledge genuine talent as opposed to a brilliant promotional machine.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

JH, you don’t know who the Pixies are!

30 07 2010
pb

for the record, i’m 27 so she is sort of my generation. and i do at least (grudgingly) respect that she’s created and is committed to her persona. still think she’s crap, though.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

I hate her. There, I said it.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Good Girl, feel better now?

30 07 2010
vivisection

Simon, I completely understand, on first impressions there isn’t anything to write home about with Gaga – I think her live on a piano is pretty amazing though. She also does great live Jazz versions of songs like Pokerface , paparazzi which are youtube. It’s when you see this stuff, you can see some talent beyond the pop. And all pop stars are attention seekers. I don’t think she is really claiming to be more than that. And like them or not, her songs make great pop with stunning hooks.

check this out

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv,

I will check it out later (at home) and give you my considered opinion.

30 07 2010
martin

I saw Lady gaga briefly on the tele the other day and she gave me a semi. So she’s gained a point or two in my book.

It was a video clip so obviously done up and photoshopped like crazy, she’s not that good in real life.

I don’t listen to pop music so have never heard any of her songs.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Martin,

I thought she has a head like a bashed crab?

30 07 2010
Mick

Love the Seinfeld quote.

” She could make a dog run up a tree.”

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Excellent piano work there, and a good example of how a lot of pop songs are actually really well structured, but often it’s hard to notice because there’s so much crap going on. Not a fan of the voice though, and the twitching is a bit much.

30 07 2010
vivisection

Nearly as good as Brittany.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

So if she does have some talent as Shirl suggests, why can’t she use it for good instead of evil *listen MP3 file Poker Face*.

30 07 2010
vivisection

She’s only about 24 – let her make some money off the kiddies before while she can. Plenty of time to get serious later.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Can I just say how much I love how far we can manage to stray from the topic at hand?

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Isn’t the topic worms? Lady GaGa perfect.

30 07 2010
Mick

” Miss Hoover, my worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have a new one?”

30 07 2010
miss dahl

Look, I’ve said it before – Lady Gaga is the Madonna of the new millenium. She even SOUNDS like Madonna and her antics are so Madonna circa nudie coffee table book.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

They call me Dr Worm.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

I like to play the drums.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m not a real doctor,
But I am a real worm;
I am an actual worm.
I live like a worm.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

I misheard a lyric in that song for a long time. The line that says ‘I think I’m getting good but I can handle criticism’ I thought said ‘I think I’m getting good but I can never really say so’.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

They Might be Giants give cool to the universe.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Yes, they do. They also do absolutely bloody awesome kids albums, with songs such as ‘D is for Drums’ and ‘LMNO is four letters, not one’.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Didn’t they do the theme to Rugrats?

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Did they? I did not know that. Here is D is for Drums for your viewing pleasure.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Here:

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Lacking substance Shirl! Actually it was the dude from Devo. Has done alot of kids stuff too.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

There it is, substance found.

31 07 2010
SD

pb I so agree with you.

I have to say I agreed with Joanna Newsom’s and MIA’s takedown of Lady GG.

31 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Viv, I have viewed the video. I thought she was going to launch into a Joe Jackson song there for a while. Sorry but it does nothing for me.

30 07 2010
vivisection

I named my pet rabbit Nimrod after Nimrod’s Son. She only died a few years ago 😦

30 07 2010
Shirley M

I knew a dude who had a cat named Nimrod.

30 07 2010
vivisection

If I had a child, it would be Nimrod. Maybe Chubby and Edna should consider it: Nimrod Gympie Bloodfart-Focke-Witte

Would be pretty for a girl

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

If I ever got a Tatt (which ranks up with the likelihood of a second coming on the probability scale) it would read-

We’ll stay well fed
We’ll be well bred
We’ll have lots of sons
They will be all well hung

From the song Vamos.

30 07 2010
vivisection

That would make a nice wedding vow too.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

In Japanese? Or Thai?

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Good thought or Chub and Edna could use it at the christening or whatever for little Nimrod Gympie.

30 07 2010
Mick

aren’t they playing at Splendour this weekend?

I hope they get the crowd they deserve.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

They sure are. They are also playing a sideshow in Brisbane next week at The Zoo. Those who don’t know it, it’s a very small, and very cool venue. I tried to buy tickets but they sold out in 1 minute and 39 seconds. I was gutted.

30 07 2010
Mick

Ah, The Zoo.

The days when The Valley was cool and not a pretentious yuppie wank.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

The Zoo still is awesome. It’s the dingy oasis surrounded by cock garages.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I saw them earlier this year. Awesome.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

I’ve seen them before, but I really wanted to see them in a teeny weeny venue.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Twas my first time after 20 years of listening.

30 07 2010
miss dahl

Genuine cool is something inherently cellular, an’t be bought or manufactured – it’s something you die with. People confuse genuine cool with trashy, boganic, popettes de jour! Rule of thumb: if the bogans love you then you ain’t cool!

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Neil Young is Cool!

30 07 2010
Shirley M

Keith Richards in genuinely cool and bogans love him. See also, Bon Scott.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Agree.

30 07 2010
miss dahl

No bogan I ‘ve met has admitted to loving the Rolling Stones let alone Keith Richards. Maybe there are different levels of boganity that we’ve yet to explore …

30 07 2010
Tombarina

Shirl, with much respek, gotta disagree. Vehmently.

The bogan indeed loves Bon, or ‘The Bon’, as they are wont to call him. The bogue knows he’s something to do with Accadacca, and he pulled maXXXXtreme loads of roots and sank ma$$ive loads of pi$$.

However, I’ve never heard a bogan pledge its undying allegiance to The Keef.

Here’s why.

Scientific research by proper white-coated scientists and researchers confirms that Keef is one of the 10 coolest living people on earth.

If no other proof was required, the opening 30 seconds of Gimme Shelter, with that little rachet noise in behind the picking and jangling and driving guitar would do the trick.

The recognition and appreciation of genuine coolness requires an investment of time and attention; and the bogan is busy bee – k&nts to glass, chicks to rear-door, Asians and towelheads to abuse from the safety of its Chevrodore.

The fact that Keef resembles, as Clive James put it, “a scrotum with eyes” may be offputting. He’s not cut, discovered the joys of eyeliner well before the nuffies from 30 Seconds To Mars were even thought of, and gives no indication of having even a passing interest in sport (unless doing truly monumental quantities of coke counts).

His failure to socialise with a series of topless supermodels rules him out of appearing in weighty tomes such as FAMOUS or NW, thereby rendering him invisible to the femmbogue.

Ergo, the bogan, by dint of its gnat-like attention span and its gnu-like herd mentality, it is immune to true cool. And they don’t love Keef.

The end.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

You’re forgetting one important fact. Bogans love the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Bogans know that Depp based his character on Keith. The bogans may not love him for the right reasons, but I maintain that they do indeed love him. The Rolling Stones pull massive crowds on all of their tours. It is absolutely impossible to assemble a crowd of 50,000 aussies, none of which are bogans.

31 07 2010
Tombarina

Damn you, and your accursed logic. You’re almost certainly right.

I’d forgotten about POTC.

I shall take comfort from the fact that their love, or at least affection, for Keef is misplaced.

1 08 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Hail to The Keef!

30 07 2010
Blue-Collar, Holla

Curious to know how the bookies get involved with all of this.

30 07 2010
Steve

So is the government still going ahead with it’s counter productive and fundamentally flawed internet filter?

30 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

They seem not to be mentioning it lately Steve. Probably because there are more votes to be lost than gained on the back of it. Government by opinion poll.

30 07 2010
Shirley M

It’s been put on hold until 2013 I believe, the given reason being to research the effectiveness and other options for thoroughly. The real reason being because it was hugely unpopular and a vote loser.

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No doubt a community commitee will be set up. Brimstone should be the chair.

30 07 2010
James Hunter

My suggestion for the femmbouge vote is Joanna Greige , good looks but not sexually overt enough to threaten but still good enough that the bouge in the house wont get up set either

30 07 2010
Jimmy

It’s been made a non issue by both parties.

Sadly, I think both parties support it but don’t want to talk about it during election time for fear of losing votes.

Yay for democracy, huh?

30 07 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Churchill was right. Democracy is indeed the worst form of government, apart from every other form ever tried.

30 07 2010
James Hunter

James (not me)
Democracy is a populist form of government so governance for what the people is not always what is good for them.
The other thing is governments want to be re elected more then they want to do the right thing and pass the ball after three years.

We could perhaps come up with some system where governments only ever sent say one quarter of their members for election each say four years. so each person elected would be in for 16 years and any particular election could only ever change 25% of the parliament.

It would make the voters think more carfefully about how they voted , it would make MP’s more willing to work for the long term good.

?any other suggestions
other then letting Simon and I play a brief violent visit to the hallowed halls ?

30 07 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

James H, you’re on drugs dude. 16 f-ing years for a member. Rudd for 16 years, I don’t think so. I will go to the hallowed halls with you though.

30 07 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Just the members, the prime minister would become a president elected by the people every , say, 4 years. so the people can give em the flic irrespective of which party holds power in the house of assembly.

31 07 2010
miss dahl

”….make MPs work for the long term good…” you mean like stop with the bullshit cash bonuses, update the infrastructure of the country and get serious about foreign policy and Australia’s place in the global arena.

31 07 2010
Mick

Well, that’s not going to get me anything now, is it?

31 07 2010
miss dahl

@Mick – you talking to me?

31 07 2010
Mick

yes, sorry. Must of channeled a bogan voice there.

31 07 2010
miss dahl

Well?

30 07 2010
Dgusten

Least. Inspiring. Election. Ever.

31 07 2010
miss dahl

You are not wrong. The pollies are treating us like bogans. Always this talk of “what’s in it for me now?” Always wanting instant gratification. I mean, WTF? To begin with, for a land of its size, Australia has a serious infrastructure issue. If you think about it, no serious updates have been made for decades. Sure, there’s always talk and talk, but stuff doesn’t get done. Why does everyone have to cram into the east coast? There’s a west coast in Australia. Largely empty, last time I checked. How about taking the show over there? Get the techno-heads together and WORK IT OUT. The issues facing hospitals just for another. Why can’t they get that shit sorted? Another issue only receiving superficial, bogan-like attention: immigration. The vast majority of immigrants in the past six months is going to change the complexion of Australian society by say, 2040. A lot of us will still be alive a kicking then. The fact that China is the next great superpower. Let’s just resign ourselves to the fact that we are just an autonomous outpost of China, then? All the crap about secret leaks and Julia Gillard being the latest covergirl on AWW … from my little perch here in the sticks, I can see that there are no serious handles on serious issues. Just sensationalist crap fit for boganic consumption. Tony Abbott has NO foreign policy ideas that spring to mind. Up to and including Kevin Rudd, the Labor Party has been all about cash handouts and bribery of the lowest common denominator. That could easily have been handled by a 50% cut in taxes that year. Easy-peasy for the ATO, and ultimately fairer to everyone. The Libs have been all about shafting the workers with their stupidly one-sided Work Choices (which I hear is currently being resurrected). The general public seems genuinely moved by images of TAbbot in briefs and JGillard being photoshopped to varying degrees. Most people watched Masterchef than tuned into the Debate. Australia has had it too good for too long. Generally, people here have been and are comfortable, despite their whinging. If people stopped being so selfish, greedy and mindless of the serious issues, maybe that would begin a whole new discourse on these matters.

31 07 2010
Tombarina

You know it’s the dullest poll in living memory when, despite a strong track record of interest and living in the electorate of the deposed former PM, you still forget it’s on.

I hopped up early this morning, went for a walk through the placard-dotted streets, read the papers, had the radio on, and still managed to block out that there’s an election in three weeks’ time.

My attention was only jolted later while driving through a very busy intersection and being maniacally waved at by about five different bunches of would-be pollies and their groupies. Gave me quite a turn.

31 07 2010
martin

You must live in an unstable seat do you? I haven’t seen any placards or any fuss. They may as well just not have people voting here and just give it to the Liberals.

30 07 2010
James Hunter

Wow, Kevin Rudd is in hospital to have his gaul bladder out.
and here’s me thinking he only had “Shit on the Liver “

31 07 2010
martin

No wonder he had so much gall. Errrr.

1 08 2010
James Hunter

Martin,
I wonder if the surgeon was named Julius Caesar ?

1 08 2010
martin

I don’t get it. Is that because Julius whooped the Galls butt? If so it’s kind of funny.

1 08 2010
James Hunter

Martin,
Got it in one.
Want to read something realy funny and scarey ? go to courier mail this date. The creationists are teaching kids in queensland schools that dinos and man shared the world that mr and mrs Noah collected dino eggs for the ark that the reason we arnt all inbread if decended from adam and eve is because DNA wasnt invented then and more poppycock in a similar vien. Apparently up in “The Land OF Joh” religious instruction may be taught by any “lay person who has an interest” .
Real laugh or cry thingy .

1 08 2010
martin

I wouldn’t be too worried about. During my school years most of the kids just worked out that those bible bashers were just losers and not to be taken seriously.

They do need to cancel all that religious instruction though. If people want it they can send their kids to a Catholic school or whatever.

1 08 2010
urbanreverie

Thanks for the pointer to that article, James H. Now I’m really depressed and stuff.

http://www.news.com.au/national/creationists-hijack-lessons-and-teach-schoolkids-man-and-dinosaurs-walked-together/story-e6frfkvr-1225899497234

It’s the 21st century in Australia’s third most populous state run for 12 years by the ALP which is supposed to be a progressive secular social-democratic party, yet state resources are still being devoted to filling impressionable young kids’ heads with such claptrap? I’m not just depressed. I’m angry.

Back in the 1980s when I was in primary school, I did scripture lessons – not because my family were religious, but because my mother didn’t want me ostracised by sitting by myself in the library while all the other kids were in class. I became an atheist at the age of 9, and I used to argue with the scripture teachers and loudly proclaim my atheism. The bogan kids whose critical faculties weren’t as well developed swallowed the religious guff hook line and sinker, and would taunt me with “Urban’s going to hell! Urban’s going to hell!” Which just made me more of an atheist.

Funny thing though is that I am no longer an atheist, but a deist. But I still believe passionately in the scientific method and critical thinking – things the religi-bogan is incapable of comprehending.

1 08 2010
James Hunter

Urban,
Deisim , agnosticism and atheism i can handle, even if not agreeing with all that any of them say , the rest of the mumbo jombo is about as enlightening as voodism.

That these lay people of any “religion” can come in and preach this in stste schools Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Next we have which doctors in for a go as well.

Clouding the minds of the impressionable like this is criminal .

1 08 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I wonder whether the Nielsen poll reported today is in fact a true barometer of voting intention? I most sincerely hope not, that it was a mere statistical aberration or that it was just a cunning hoax by someone to remind the lumpenproletariat to put the brown daks on re the prospect of Fony Rabbit being PM.

Should it confirm my very worst fears that this country are mostly a bunch of misogynist twats (and that includes the women too) and in fact be a veritable response, then I hold grave fears for the country, although that in itself by having to face the reality of voting in such an utterly unmitigated prick, leading the country down a scary path by blurring the lines separating church and state and allowing business to unilaterally call the shots in regards to the treatment of employees, might just shake away the apathy, complacency and malice that coddles and cocoons mainstream bogan Straya.

It’s pretty drastic I’m sure, but that’ll be the bitter harvest they shall rightfully reap as a result of sowing such indifference into the furrowed plains of their irrational fears. The rool poyple, once the rool action posturing subsides, will soon tire of having religion imposed upon them, as for all the bogan’s manifold faults, they are generally not well disposed to Bible bashers with their killjoy ways, and will soon have them drummed out once discovered.

Fony Rabbit must never forget this lest he court the bogan vote.

1 08 2010
pb

i was disturbed by that report too, turnips.

also, anyone else seen the latest liberal ad? scary boats, burning powerlines, crashing trains, it’s the most vicious piece of political advertising i’ve ever seen. its worse than republican ads from the us deep south, which at least manage to be hilarious along with the gun-totin’, imer’gan’ hatin’ guff.
(as an aside, if you want some entertainment, i recommend getting on youtube and looking at some alabama republican ads, particularly the dale peterson one, its terrifying and hilarious all in one)

1 08 2010
miss dahl

Something light to give you a few chuckles: Fony Rabbit features prominently in the Bald Archie’s portrait show this year. Check ’em out here: http://www.abc.net.au/local/photos/2010/04/01/2862664.htm

1 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

I got the debate via ABC local radio by a delightful little stream near Coen on Cape York. Denied the full televisual spectacle I was unfortunately distracted watching an Ant walk along a Stick and missed a lot of the content. Didn’t miss the style though. Not sure if I have ever felt so insulted as a semi-participant in society. Everything spoken in slow didactic tones, simple words, simple concepts, smattered with folksy colloquia and repetition. The casual observer would assume the australian electorate must function at about a third grade level.

Further Proof Positive of everything implicit in the TBL egregore.

1 08 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
the advertising industry work on an average effective age of twelve years so considering that the polly wobbles are aimed at bogans i think you’r on the money

1 08 2010
chubbybloodfart

Suggestions vis a vis namings of our impending progeny are gratefully noted and will be considered in the fullest of the spirit in which they are proffered.
As you will note, Edna is most keen to retain her professional name, but we did moot an hyphenation for junior. We did decide on Blood-Focke, but others in the family thought it sounded variously “Teutonic”, “obverse” and “conciliatory” so the subject remains for future consideration.

Edna said someone mentioned Lady Gaga? The correct response is that the subject is beneath adult consideration. The Woman should be filed under “theatre” not “music”, and bad theatre at that.

And of course bogans love the stones.
Who the f#ck else is queueing up to drop a monkey or more on watching this mob go through their paces? Seriously it’s a car wreck, no, an impending car wreck; bogans are laying odds on which one will actually die on stage. Why else would anyoe go?
The Rolling Stones are robbing legitemate artists of their rightful income.

16 08 2010
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