As seen on The Scrivener’s Fancy
When the trashmedia kraken got wind of an ALP leadership spill, it rustled its gills in illicit pleasure. The existing leader had long fallen out of its favour, and the period when the kraken laboured to make this boring man seem interesting had now well and truly faded into the mists of history. A smile crept over the kraken’s beak-like maw, as it realised that this colourless figure could be jettisoned in favour of a person far more suited to a self-oscillating cycle of inane and trivial commentary. This was especially welcome following a particularly taxing period of fastidiously avoiding providing Australians with any substantive details of the proposed resources super profits tax. The arrival of Australia’s First Female Prime Minister (abbreviated here to the more common ‘AFFPM’) opened up an enormous window of opportunity for the kraken to give the impression of asking the big questions, whilst actually plying its customary trade in irrelevant ephemera.
When the she-bogan was informed of AFFPM, it rushed to the family computing console and onlogged the book of faces. Despite possessing all the political savvy of a waterlogged horsebiscuit, and all the feminist credentials of a suburban football team’s end-of-season trip to Phuket, the she-bogan nonetheless felt compelled to update its status in expression of its newfound interest in events Canberraside, and its salivating glee that a woman had finally ‘made it’ to the top job. Rapidly, the interwebz were awash with innumerable pithy quotes like ‘OMG go Julia lol! Girl power!’ Much like bogans claiming credit for any Australian team’s successes on the world stage, despite having done nothing more than watch it on TV, the she-bogan was anxious to claim credit for Gillard’s rise to power, purely by virtue of possessing a matching set of genitalia. Upon pressing the ‘Share’ button on this missive of solidarity with the sisterhood, the she-bogan returned to the TV to continue watching Two and a Half Men.
‘OMG Charlie Sheen is soooooooo funny lol!’
Across the tiled roofs of suburbistan, a he-bogan noticed the she-bogan’s status update. Well versed in making a spectacle of its own ignorance, yet utterly convinced of its cutting insight into political matters, the he-bogan concocted a response. Incensed that it was not personally responsible for changing the nation’s leader, the he-bogan said that it did not vote for Julia Gillard. Despite the fact that the he-bogan is likely to have never voted for a Prime Minister in its life. The he-bogan is misinformed of these matters because it has augmented its pitiful understanding of Australia’s voting system with vague details of the American voting system – picked up from a steady stream of US sitcoms, movies and police procedurals. This is the same bogan who refused to vote for a republic a decade earlier, as it could not conceive of a government in which it could not personally appoint its leader.
Since her ascension, our new illustrious leader has rushed to embrace the bogan vote with a vigour not seen since the advent of negative gearing. First, she told beneficiaries of the baby bonus nationwide that she is philosophically disposed against ‘a big Australia’. She echoed the thoughts of bogans nationwide when she said that she was not racist, but in the immigration debate, political correctness had indeed gone mad. She then decided to negotiate with the miners on the resource rent tax, a tax that the bogan despised despite being unaffected by it and unaware of what it actually was. Then, after a solid three days of devising policy, she announced that she’d be shipping said queue jumpers back to East Timor where they came from. The bogan interpreted this as a PM who will do her utmost to prevent more towelheads arriving at our shores in a flotilla of bomb-laden rafts. Finally, she relentlessly and enthusiastically joined the bogan in tossing around as many hastily conceived rednut jokes as could be shoehorned into a content-free policy statement. Upon hearing this, the he-bogan rushed once again to the computing console, searching Google for as many redhead jokes as it could shoehorn into a morning coffee break.
In the first three weeks under AFFPM’s stewardship, the ALP has appeared more focused, supercharged with maxtreme cans of energy, ready to travel forwardly in direction, and backwardly in policy. In short, the ALP became more of a Thing Bogans Like, and the Powerfox, seeing her advantageous positioning vis-à-vis bogans, promptly called an election.
If anything can be learned from the mega-edifying opening salvos of election 2010, it is that there is nothing that bogans, party leaders and the kraken like more than a good slogan. While AFFPM is Moving Forward, Tony ‘Action Man’ Abbott offers Real Action. Because the bogan knows that any other kind of action is simply not maxtreme enough to earn its vote. He also offers to stop taxes and pay off the national debt. Despite the clear incoherence of this pledge, the bogan approves.
Sitting at its desk later, trawling the Internet for the latest news on X Factor auditions, the he-bogan decided that it wasn’t done commenting on the interwebz, and sought out trashmedia websites. On these, it could contribute to this vibrant democracy via the time-honoured bogan opining tool of choice: the binary poll.
How effective do you think the ALP policy on asylum seekers will be at keeping Australia’s borders safe? YES/NO
After voting ‘NO’ on sixteen polls, and commenting on various friends’ status updates with variations on the same quasi-republican theme, the he-bogan headed back over to the book of faces. Feeling magnanimous, the he-bogan decided that perhaps it was too quick to judge AFFPM. Thanks to her bogan-baiting, the bogan was becoming very comfortable with Gillard, and to top it all off, she seemed to talk like someone from the ‘real world’. Gillard looked ready to pounce on the bogan vote like a fiery-looking cougar, and drag it back to the ALP lair. The he-bogan discovered the perfect Facebook group to express his newfound support – ‘Julia Gillard is a Super-hot Fanta Pants Cougar LOL’ – and joined it immediately. Pleased to have engaged in political debate under the auspices of social networking, the he-bogan cracked another massive can of Mother and returned to the TV to continue watching Border Security: Fuck off, We’re Full. The kraken gurgled its deep satisfaction, and wiggled its many tentacles of spite.
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beak-like maw, onlogged the book of faces, wiggled its many tentacles of spite – some more great turns of phrase there, tbl.
So which came first the crocodile or the duck ?
Neither, they met at the crossroads of East & West Armidale and the resultant species materialized.
Pete Babe , where you been ?
Oh, for Xenu’s sake, who the fuck let this moron back in? Send him off to East Timor! Or Nauru… or wherever whichever Government decides to dump those deemed surplus to requirement.
I don’t know Sten, he does kind of liven things up and you can practise your arts on him.
@ JH, Sten, and Simon
Lets see how long it takes for him to piss us off.
Pinky, his very existence pisses me off.
Might have to go off and practice those arts Simon seems to think I possess.
@ Sten
Yeah he shits me too. Who the f@rk let him back in? Did someone put up a velvet rope?
Pinky, his very existence pisses me off.
Might have to go off and practise those arts Simon seems to think I possess.
@ Sten
PS I think I wasn’t myself when I posted that. Please accept my apology. ;)
No apology necessary. Pinky.
@ Sten
Dude, what is It carrying on about in the post below. The dude is off his meds again.
@ Sten
Ignore above, already answered ;)
Pinky, I think the best policy is just to ignore, and hope the good folks at TBL realise what fuckwaddery is transpiring again.
I shall certainly be adopting that stance henceforth.
Australia is made up of two types.
#1 (in every sense) those who were born and raised in Sydney
#2 the also ran aka the hayseeds, hicks, rude’n’rurals, rubes, etc-etc.
That is the way it is. That is the way it always has been. That is the way it always will be.
A third type, the foreigner, by which I mean the inbred from the world’s largest provincial village (England), can also be found in Australia in fairly large numbers. We do, however, live in hope that when this type returns to their place of birth to brag about their new found “lifestyle” in the land down under (that is to say, when they act superior) they decide to remain in that God forsaken toilet.
Learn from it.
Peter, great to have you back to edify us.
There is one problem with people born and bred in Sydney. It is that they are born and bred in Sydney and by that I mean they live their life with their head stuck up their arse.
@ Peter
WTF are you on about now? What are we to learn from the sh!t that you dribble on the screen?
You’ve never left NSW have you?
@ Si
Glass him Si!!!
*glass*
Thats for you P!nkster!
I think he might be having a none-too-subtle dig at my British origins. But seriously, Pinky, left NSW? I highly doubt it. I think the only reason he manages to get to a computer is because Mummy’s neglected to keep the chain short enough while cleaning under the stairs.
@ Si
Thanks as always mate.
@ Sten
Well what a sub-standard effort that was.
I know I’m not always be the brightest spark, but I’m not at stupid as him…
Sten,
Maybe he could be given useful empoly feeding the crocoducks at Carnival Joyces farm? $80,000.00 tax free too.
Sure, why not, James? $80,000 should buy me a grinder of suitable proportions.
But whom is this Carnival Joyce of which you speak?
Sten,
Carnival Joyce, a.k.a. Barnaby Joyce of the Nationals
Oh… well he can go in the grinder then too.
I like the Maxillomallard.
“Fucking feed me, Virgil!”
Mrs H thought it might be a Quackodile or a Crokoduck
This serves as a warning to any of us who lets a chicken cross the road.
AntiP,
Maybe,but it sure aint “Chicken Little”
“Border Security: Fuck off, We’re Full”
Haha. It’s always Asians that get into trouble on that show. Trying to bring in drugs, and OMG fruit! I always get real mad when they try and bring in fruit. Makes me want to visit stormfront.
Can’t they just respect our fruitless culture? Why do they have to come here and impose their fruit on us, anyway? When I go to their countries, I have to respect their fruit, why don’t they do the same for us?
@ James aA-I,
It’s reverse discrimination is what it is.
The Powerfoxxx will ship the crocodileduck back to East Timor where it belongs before Tony Abbott tries to wrestle it.
Simon, are you sure you didn’t mean to say PowerMeerkat?
I was going with approved TBL nonclamenture but that is also good Sibyl.
Simon,
maybe Carnival Joyce will set up a farm ? corner the market!
On Powermeerkats or Crocoducks?
In an official policy release The Powerfoxx insists people remain clothed for the election campaign. I think she means you JH.
“Ms Gillard has also been forced to distance herself from a part-time Labor staff member, Conrad French, who gatecrashed Mr Abbott’s visit to a Knox City shopping centre wearing only a pair of red Speedos.
The PM said it was a “stupid thing to do” and she urged people to be “fully clothed” during the election campaign.”
Simon,
You want i keep my clothes on for the entire cam pain ?
I was so looking forward to a naked wrestle challenge with Fony Rabbit or at the very least “Budgie Smugglers at 20 paces”
Figure he would throw in the towel ?
Probably one of those chamois ones that swimmers seem to favour, which would be appropriate for this sham of a man.
“Sham-o-man” sounds like a song ?
oh Australia! you want to filter the Internet but you stop short of actually enforcing public nudity laws
do you even HAVE public nudity laws?
perverts
and put some shoes on!
We would have public nudity laws if we could find someone who could write them without blushing and using lame euphemisms like “budgie smugglers”.
Brimstone,
It is not the nudity that causes the perving. That is all the blame of the looker. Of course it all depends on the social mores of the setting. You being from a publicly prudish ,privately like everyone else ,society you may find it more difficult then us freewheeling Aussies. ?
yeah, exactly. i prefer to view naked people in private
Brimstone,
well me too but neither does it embarrass me in company or public.
good to see your on line, i was beginning to think we had been nuked !
Less of it, James Hunter. Your ogling preferences i mean…
@ JH and Brim
I think if you want to share your hanging bits with the world do it via the timeless art of Porn.
That is one of the best things I have read for months. Thank you, TBL.
Indeed , Excellent ,thank you TBL.
“and she urged people to be “fully clothed” during the election campaign.”
Clearly a decisive Meerkat.
And an insistent one! Nude up at your peril. This may be part of her scheme to restrict population growth. Maybe the next policy that only #124 is allowed between consenting adults.
Looks like one of the hybrid animals from Avatar: Last Airbender/Legend of Aang (as you call it here)
cartoon, not crap movie
i like the badgermoles!
Brimstone,
Go to the wrong pub and see “Badgered Molls” !
@ JH
Tee hee
Or maybe catch Juxtaposition Records’ favourite sons: Forgone Conclusion.
strange that the pisstake on biopics dosen’t mention that Go! aired the great musical biopic parody Walk Hard: The Legend of Dewey Cox the same night Hawke was on
Walk Hard was a David Attenborough doco compared to Hawke.
i skipped Hawke….
I didn’t watch it either, but somehow methinks that I’d easily plump for the impostor silver bodgie over the real red budgie :P
i just don’t have the background. it would be like you guys watching John Adams or Frost/Nixon or something
Jack White was a good elvis in Walk Hard
Brimestone.
Good point except that we get fed a diet of USA news weather we want it or not wheras my observation is that Aussie news generally does not exist in USA
I would have skipped it myself but I was in Brisbane visiting family on the weekend and I guess they thought they’d put it on to keep this left-wing lunatic happy.
I watched about half of it on the net. It was like a soapie. I thought it was meant to be about politics.
It was like underbelly with lots of “bloodys” “you beauts” and old style Australianisms.
The advert looked pretty dodgy and I had enough Hawke v Keating in the day to last me.
I refuse to watch a programme that wasted $30 000 to make Bob Hawke look a like hair . It was bad enough the first time.
I’m enjoying lots of Blanche on the TV though – what happened to her face? Has Gunther Von Hagens plastinated her?
She has been visiting Jeannie Pratt’s man by the looks.
Let her be a lesson to Fiona of Toorak. That’s what could happen if you over indulge in little touch ups Fi.
Yeah, as a point of interest has anyone ever had touch ups that improve upon the original product? The all seem to end up looking like startled starfish.
Viv,
her face reminds me of the Phillis Diller joke. “One more face lift and I will have to shave”
You don’t want to look at this photo!
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/news/entertainment/i-really-wanted-to-kill-bob-blanche-reveals/2008/07/23/1216492541175.html
Or this one,
http://www.dlisted.com/node/32176
Thank you for THOROUGHLY BRAYKING MY BRANE!
MY PORE BRANE!!!
You was warned AP.
Things that aren’t very effective warnings:
#1. Don’t look down.
#2. Don’t think about pink elephants.
#3. Don’t eat what you can’t pronounce.
#4. Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn.
#5. Don’t do whatever it is Simon says “don’t do”
This is dizzy stuff, folks!
time to tone it down ?
“the kraken gurgled it’s deep satisfaction and wiggled it’s many tentacles of spite”…
You are a literary genius my friend!
Nicely written, made me laugh. But the prime minister isn’t the head of state.
Correct. Fixed now. TBL
I think you forgot to mention that “Our Julia” the ultimate she-bogan was once a partner at Slater & Gordon. Her speciality was “Industrial Relations” read “Suing the shit out of the boss because I’ve done me back. She has more bogue cred than any politician in our history.
Pinocchio Gillard.Anyone here remember the story of the original Pinocchio in that every lie he told the nose would grow longer and bigger.It happened here in real life.
I also remember the good news week jokes on Gillard
looks like this one’s a bit stale. your average bogan now has juLIAR as a recurring tourette’s like tic in any online political (non) contribution