When it’s not travelling on budget airlines to the exotic countries of Phuket and Bali, the well travelled bogan enjoys sailing the high seas on one of P&Os floating pleasure palaces. The cruise ship represents the epitome of bogan travel, permitting it to chalk up to six stamps on its passport in 8 days, visiting foreign countries like Noumea, Port Vila and Suva, without travelling more than 500 metres from a major port and while enjoying all the comforts of home.
Like big things and shopping centres, the bogan is attracted to cruise ships due to their sheer size. A typical ship weighs in at over 70,000 tonnes, has hundred of rooms, multiple levels and comes equipped with everything a bogan requires: restaurants, nightclubs, casinos, gyms, IMAX theatres and comprehensive in-cabin entertainment; allowing the bogan to eat steak and chips every night, drink stupid quantities of overpriced liquor, gamble, get huge, watch Avatar in 3D and enjoys reruns of Underbelly from its cabin.
Every day, the cruise ship stops at a different, non-descript South Pacific port, where the bogan briefly disembarks from its Neptunian chateau to be greeted by some P&O employed, Polynesian-themed dancers. This will prove the closest the bogan will come to a cultural interchange all day, as it spends the next five hours getting bronzed, snorkelling and trying to haggle with more P&O employees at the gift shop for a Pacific themed woodcarving. After a quick coconut cracking demonstration and sarong tying class, the bogan reboards the Pacific Princess, feeling for all the world like Captain Cook.
That night, the bogan struggles to peel a prawn from its towering buffet plate, regaling its peers with stories of its near brush with death at the tentacles of a giant killer squid and joking how it saw Lote Tuqiri three times that day. After dinner, it drinks wholesale quantities of Corona and hits the nightclubs, hoping to lure a female bogan back to its cabin where it can feed her this year’s designer drug and breach her hull.
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Breach her hull. Nice one.
The adventerous bogan will attempt cultural exchange with a ladyboy at one of these ports.
Simon,
Understood that he is not savey to the boy part of the lady boy..
The true bogan will not have the energy or strength to put anyone in a position suitable hull breaching by the end of the boozefest
I realy doubt his ability to get anything up on the slipway even
Probably need some one else to peel his prawn .
Oh, James Hunter, you burly matloe, allow me to suggest that the type of cruise ship this post refers to is not the same type of floating honky-tonk that you and that troupe of chinless carnies known as Circus Buzzard get a free ride on.
Also, pops, ease-up on the sexin imagery. I just did a little sick in my mouth reading your latest instalment.
Why, Petey? Was JH describing your life partner or something?
It’s OK, dude. You can love anyone you want. You don’t need to compensate.
I think Pete prefers to grease his own slipway.
JH, are you harboring a desire to fire off a broadside amidships?
Simon,
Definitely not at any ladyboy vessel !
You do need to be careful if you are expecting a torpedo tube and get a bowsprit instead.
some from memory are more like the loading ramp on a whaleing mother ship !
Thinking of Bowsprits though those on the old tea clippers and similar would certainly cure hemoroids.
No wonder they used to fear being rammed back in those days
The ones at the grab a granny bar of a love boat certainly could be JH.
The Ladyboy….the modern day unicorn
Floating RSLs.
I’m sure some of the older bogans do miss Fair Star the fuck ship.
Hey QR, save the syllables man. Up here in Lower East Side Kallangur, we fondly refer to the old girl as the ‘FuckStar’.
I am not one of them but Fair Star was phased out before I started cruising.
Hmmm, I thought only old people went on those.
I know bogans love watching cruise ships though. See; the ruckus whenever the QEII or whatever comes to Sydney.
Also, not related but this has to be seen.
http://www.villagevoice.com/2011-07-27/news/mtv-bridge-tunnel-original-jersey-shore/
Fark you, MTV. This would have been an even more maxxtreme Jersey Shore. Give it to us already.
what is with the one on the left’s lips? they could be the villain in some b-grade 1950s horror film.
Having spent two hours on Staten Island recently (one of my cousins’ girlfriend is from there and she took us to lunch at that Italian place that was pretty good) I can verify that that’s a common look there.
Loving the over-their-head exchange about Phuket and Bali on the facebook post right now, lol
Let me guess, some nuf nuf has complained Phuket and Bali are not countries?
Don’t forget they ignore all common sense, rent a scooter, drive like maniacs, crash and end up in a full body cast which significantly cuts into the fun aspects of their remaining 11 days and nights of booze fueled date raping….
Should I be proud or ashamed of the polaroid photograph I have of myself at about 9 years old, dressed as a Rubiks Cube, standing in the purple and green velvet Zodiac Lounge of the Fairstar the F#ckfest , off the coast of Suva? Personally, I am leaning toward proud. I am wearing short shorts and a box covered in coloured crepe paper.
definitely proud – unless you funded the trip on your own
You need to post that photo for us Viv. Is that where you contracted the gay?
Maybe it is! I do recall seeing many saucy carved coconuts with trapdoors hiding spring loaded pen!ses on the same holiday. And there was an extraordinary amount of blue eyeshadow on women carrying glo-mesh purses…..
I also remember being in a mood for the first three days because it wasn’t as nice as The Love Boat! I made my thoughts about it being a rusty dump well known to my parents, when they sobered up enough to leave the classy Zodiac Lounge to see if we were still alive and not sold to white slave traders (about 2 hours a day)
Too right. I would not go unless it was The Love Boat.
Don’t be fooled by the Love Boat tranquil swimming pool – the reality is that you get thrashed around by 10 foot waves as the pool empties itself from one end and floods the other, and back and forth. The only boon was being able to see the old freckle tits ladies of the 80’s being soaked as they topped up their skin cancer poolside.
Imagine the job as cleaner on one of these boats. Vomit, used rubbers etc. It would want to pay well.
A Filipino room boy would be paid about $800 a month tops to work on a cruise ship
Simon, The photo is in with this lot. Enjoy!
That’s pretty cool. Did you also attend a Trent Reznor look a like party?
It lasted about 3 years…
Must have been good drugs at that party!
if you were dressed as a rubiks cube the only possible answer to your question is proud.
P’bee, Feel free to make your own – here are the instructions:
Get Box
Cover in crepe paper squares.
Stand in box and get a half tanked parent to tape you in
Wear short scoop shorts, long socks and sandals.
Great for informal and formal occasions. Snazz it up with some rik rak if you like.
it’ll take the fashion world by storm.
Viv, my friend, good to see you. I need yr help with a question I asked in the last post.
Ash, My only knowledge of steroid use is FTM (female to male) transgender friends taking them to transition genders and people with HIV related wasting using them to maintain normal body proportions. All legit usages and curiously enough it will help a transman get larger down below.
Then there are the straight muscle mary’s who hang out shirtless at gay discos to pick up chicks and the Norweigan terrorists – but I won’t have any part of that in my social circle.
OK. Now I really have no idea why anyone would take steroids to get huge.
Viv,
Surely these days everyone .just everyone ,knows at least one Norweigan terrorist
I am soooo old that my family and I actually migrated from England to Australia by ship (in 1976).
I have a photo of me at the kiddie’s fancy dress party as an Egyptian mummy. (Pretty easy costume, come to think of it.)
There should be a website of cruise ship fancy dress outfits from the
70’s and 80’s. I’d submit my pic.
In 1976 we flew from London to Hong Kong and then boarded a cruise ship (an old russian tanker ship) to Australia. The swimming pool was the cargo hold filled with water.
I thought that migrants (and returning immigrants, thoroughly disillusioned with life Down Under, ‘cos it’s “nothin’ like home”) by 1976 pretty much all boarded the Jumbo jets (when they still had milk run routes to fly to Australia, as their range was limited and the 747-100s & 200s fuel economy was not nearly as good as now) to get between the two continents, such was the impact of the Boeing 747 in opening air travel to the masses, swiftly consigning the ocean liners (for commuting as opposed to leisure) to history within five-or-so years). When my Dad arrived from Italy in 1966, is was on a liner, but when he first returned to visit in ’77, it was on a Qantas jumbo (I rather liked the the 1970s livery with the polished underbody and ochre stripe along its flank).
Mind you, airfares then in real terms were still significantly higher than is the case now, even with the price of oil being much more now. Shows you how much has changed in the mass movement of migrants over the last 40 years (Qantas acquired and flew their first 747-238B in September 1971).
BagO,
If yon wated
to seebogans at their best
747sps thego as they were designed especially for longest range. Long wings short body (less passengers) but capable of Sydney LA non stop. giving 18 hours of nonstop dehydration and boozing for maxtreem effect.
Rather dinky little plane was the 747SP, with odd proportions (the “beluga” finished aft of the wing rather than fore and the wingspan was wider than the total length), but a great idea until the 747-400s and 777s rendered them obsolete.
Still have a dedicated following as private jets in the Middle East. Qantas ran two of them, not just on the Pacific routes, but primarily on the Sydney-Wellington route, where its shorter length was useful for the latter’s short runway and had a suitable capacity.
thanks for removing any doubts about the idiocy of going on a cruise
A Cruise is what you make of it.I almost got put off doing anymore after getting lumped for the most part with Dickheads last time and swapped to doing Asia Trips.I hope All goes well when I recommence next year.
oh darn, i was thinking about a cruise ship trip with the missus, thats outto the window now…
Send her on her own with thw promis that she can have more fun ,nudge,nudge, wink, wink on her own. Have a pleasent break on yourr own whil she is assimilating her see cruise.
This comes belatedly but it doesn’t have to be like that.I would look at say in this region Royal Caribbean.They Target the product at your would be Singapore or Hong Kong holiday maker but wants more for about the same kind of money.
Whoa, free boat ride for three.
Alas, the cruise liner…a safe oceanic haven for the human cattle of boganism. Rohypnol ahoy!
I wonder if they ever feel like the livestock that get shuttled on the death ships in live export when they realise that their cut-price lowest level cabin is a poky little cubicle not far above the waterline?
Nah, they like their steaks and lamb chops too much and have a typically reactionary defensiveness going in to bat for our live export cattle farmers, who at present are “doin’ it tough” as a result of some tree-hugging scumbag showing footage of those Others in Indonesia mistreating the cattleyard stare riven cows, but assure themselves that all they’re getting is a little discipline (hey, they’re gonna be dead soon anyway!) and all the lucrative export dollars that come in, in spite of the aforementioned distrust they harbour towards those who are the end recipients of said cattle.
Hypocrites. Wonder how they would like to like to be herded into a cattle truck, only to meet their maker in a gruesome end to become human hamburger patties to satisfy the hunger of cows with a junk food bent? No wonder I get occasional smug feelings upon being vego, even though that destination was ultimately decided by aesthetics more than else.
Bag’O, have you read Under the Skin by Michael Faber ( I think )? You should.
Thanks for the tip, Simon…shall investigate!
Cheers, without giving away the plot the theme suits your missive
The live export debate caused much confusion to the bogan.
On one hand, you had the farmers who were, as Turnips put it, “doin’ it bloody tough.” But on the other hand, you had them bloody Indos beating the cows and shit which, mate, just isn’t on aye?
Yeh, don’t beat up the cows, it makes the steak tough.
They’ve done the tenderisng already for you!
This is gold TBL! I worked as a muso on some cruise ships a while back, and was on the one that kicked off Austen Tayshus in Fiji or Noumea I think it was. He, aptly, described what cruises were like in his comedy routine. This was well before ‘bogans’ were known as bogans. He was hilarious, and right! Gold TBL!!!
Bloody hell, the Govt may just be doing something useful! Peter Thornton may need to work for a living!
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/opinion/just-get-off-your-bums/story-e6frfhqf-1226106310437
“However, according to the Australian and New Zealand Society for the Study of Obesity, being extremely overweight is largely attributable to a sedentary lifestyle and eating too much high-calorie food.” Well der.
Simon,
Wonder if he would need to be in a “Pressure Cooker”
come to think of it a squirt is supposed to be a drip under pressure so I hate to think what “The Dweeb “would be under pressure ?
Oh, James Hunter, you blow hard bunko artist, next time you’re down at the Dogpatch combination salt lick and general store picking-up your airtights and having a good old look see prior to the afternoon’s hog-killin’ time, try pulling your horns in, pops.
Look every one stand in awe at the birth of a literay genius. A fourty four word sentence. Should make all of us lesser beings hang our heads in shame.
Oh, James Hunter, as surely as night follows day, pops, your posts give sufficient credibility as to just how much lesser a being you really are!
Hmm,at least “The Dweeb” answersto his name !
I’m the son of a schoolteacher so I went to many different schools. In my day there was always one fat kid. Just one. His name would be Fat Gary or Fat Trevor or such.
It must be very confusing for a child nowadays. Or has the worm turned? Do the fat kids have mates called Skinny Jarrod? Assuming, that is, that his name is actually Jarrod.
Mick,
I got told I look gaunt the other day! At 5’11 and 69 kg I have a spot on BMI etc. So these days the norm is for people to be overweight so anyone who actually takes care of themselves looks unusual. Sad huh.
That is one thing that the bogan will never understand. During my travels through the Australian sporting landscape I’ve met more than a few “heroes” of their respective sports. Most of them have not been huge. Some have even been quite tiny compared to me. And I’m not big…or what the bogan would consider normal.
Somehow the bogan has come to link huge with sporting success. It doesn’t work like that. Point out someone who competed at the Olympics and the response will be “What? That weedy little bloke over there?”
Just another thing that the bogan will never get. Like class.
It’s just that being fat is now the norm, plus sized models, fat action groups etc pathetic. You’re right about the size thing. Imagine the bogue meeting one of the V8 drivers who are the size of jockeys! “that skinny little f*cker drives an HSV, no way, it’d rip his arms off, give me a go”
Hang on! You know how big the V8 drivers are. You went to the Clipsal, didn’t you?
Go on, you can admit it. We won’t judge. Much.
I have been, true. Ya want to make something of it?
No. Glass houses and all that.
Gold Coast Indy for me. Corporate box. That out-bogues anything the rest of you can offer.
Except for Ash. I’m sure shire bogans can do better.
I farkin hate corporate boxes. If ya gonna watch something, watch it from up close like a rool man ya carnt.
(Translation: I hate corporate boxes).
I did get pissed on Mount Panorama three Bathursts ago.
Just watch it on f#cken TV so you can see everything. There’s no ‘atmosphere’ it’s just a bunch of bogans you’re sitting with.
Corporate boxes are good. I went to see the Eagles at the WACA early 90’s. We sat at the back of the 3 teir stand so could not see much. By half time I was so pissed I could barely see my drink. Free beer will do that.
I too hate corporate boxes…once again, TISM said it best in their song “Shut Up—The Footy’s On The Radio”, in the line “Shut up, the DJs, especially the FOX’s, thank God they shut up wankers in corporate boxes”.
Mind you, I did once win a competition to a day at Barbagallo Raceway to have an advanced driving course with Wayne Gardiner (a far better motorcyclist, methinks) and Neil Crompton, followed by two hot laps in his V8 Supercar…going down the straight at 230 km/h was mighty grand fun for a petrolhead like!
Are you saying that if you aren’t close enough to be decapitated by the trailing kevlar restraining harness which failed, allowing a wheel to fly off the car which understeered into the concrete barrier on the straight, you may as well have stayed home and watched this happen to someone else on television ?
Unlike the average bogan, I can say I know what it’s like and if that did happen to me, well, what an anecdote that would’ve been! (If I was to be dead as result of this, at least it would’ve been a kinda cool way to go.)
James Hunter’s Circus Buzzard corporate box is at the Dogpatch Arms and consists of a stool in the corner of that fine establishment and a scattering of loose change on top of the bar. The few random coins, each of a denomination considerably lower than the renowned James Hunter intelligence quotient, act as bait to any unsuspecting pigeon who makes the primary mistake of assuming James Hunter will stump-up the money when it’s his shout. C’mon, pops, pony-up the readies when it’s your shout!
I’m having dinner at home tonight and my mum was watching ACA just now. They just did a feature on the “perfect” face.
I’m quite offended by the racism of Nein. Surely they should have realised that there is a real, perfect face out there and I rock it. Clearly they discriminated against me coz I’m brown.
No love for the coconut curries from Nein? Really? Must have used me instead aye.
It’s a fukn conspiracy, mate. They’re trying to keep us down.
Ash and Simon, Pete will be upset he was sort of hopeing ……….
Pffft. Pete’s ladyboyfriend wishes he was hot like me, Pete’s ladyboyfriend wishes he was a freak like me.
Oh, James Hunter, or as you ought to be known: Tolstoy’s toyboy, I feel no desperate, mind numbingly obvious attempt at garnering support for alternate monikers, pops! Unlike you and your utterly self-defeating skillset furnished by Centrelink, I shall retain obduracy, dignity and decorum.
Farkin racism, call TT quick.
Actually most of the entertainment industry is brown, albeit with a more orange tinge.
Simon,
Wonder if one can Buy spray brown like the spray orange (tan).. Instant stardom.
No orange on me. Thank you, Simon. I now know where I was wrong. I must develop a healthy orange glow, then I’ll become a totally hot maxxtreme bogan celeb and hook up with a bunch of fake-titted Zoo Weekly models.
Hey Ash,
If you do stoop to going to Club Med Chernobyl to gain the said orange complexion and secure a spot on ACA, they might just leave themselves open to allegations of “political correctness gone MAD!” and trying to go one-up on Essa, with those numbnuts dubbing it “A Curry Affair” or “A Coconut Affair”…if only those f’wit viewers could make up their goddam minds at what epithet to hurl at their hitherto sacrosanct bastion of (self) righteous indignation!
It’d probably become A Curry Affair because I look Indian and have an Indian surname.
Holy shit. TT doing a hard-hitting expose on ACA? That might just cause a wormhole in the universe.
Don’t worry. Dave and Co will discuss the implosion on that 7pm show channel ten does.
Then the rather dumbed-down 7:30 (we miss you, Red Kezza!) will profile the state of bitchiness going down in Commercial TV Land in their prime-time current affairs shows.
George Negus will just go “hmph!” to all this the next night of Ton Of Rubbish’s 6:30…he’s one of the very few (along with Shaun Micalef) who can boast about being on every network. Like the latter, Negus has some cred with discerning viewers and is known to assert his role in the programme structure, thus making waves that are discomfiting to their producers, who are usually used to obsequious talking heads and wannabe “celebrities” who’ll do a gig for beer or sex basically.
I agree, Turnips. It won’t be long before 7.30 starts doing stories about sexebrity gossip, miracle diet pills and shonky refrigerator mechanics.
Sigh. The ABC, one of the world’s great broadcasters, joining its commercial brethren on the journey down the death spiral of lowest common denominator bullshit.
And, want to know why it’s not called the 7.30 Report any more? Because, they don’t actually report anything anymore! Leigh Sales and Chris Uhlmann are not worthy to even light Kerry O’Brien’s candle at bedtime.
And the ABC’s about to get even worse, with the axe being applied to The New Inventors and the “yarts”, for instance. I thought Howard had been ousted almost four years ago? Was that a particularly deep sleep I’ve just woken up from?
There’s still a few of Howard’s Cultural Warriors still remaining on the ABC board, from when his Gummint stacked it back it then, often kept for five year stints, so hopefully the last of those crusty demagogues will have left Ultimo by then.
Explains why Insiders still has that drip Andrew Bolt on it and that Counterpoint still ekes out a meagre existence on Radio National. But I agree, like The Age and Sydney Morning Herald, this institution has slid into a morass of cheap populism to attract the numbers, but no one from the lumpenproletariat particular wants to move across to either of them and all the while the hitherto loyal base has become disenfranchised by this ill-advised stooping, moving elsewhere online.
I just don’t watch any of it. Bloody George Negus program is terrible, what is with that music?
#160 Simon.
Georges 30 minutes is perfect for the Bogan.
It looks like a serious current affairs show which supports the Bogans self-belief of its international knowledge, when in actual fact the show just repeats stories already shown in the newsfotainment hour before it.
True Dat, and then the 7pm dudes do it for the youngies, f#ck. I guess it’s a paycheck for George.
To 7pm’s credit they don’t shit on Gillard.
Yeah Negus is a disappointment. It’s just more fluff.
I’m not sure how sucking Julia’s dick helps!?
It’s the wrong forum for a man of his credibility and talents…I suppose because he has gravitas with the yoof, it was perhaps conceived as a suitable lead-in for The 7PM Project.
But I guess he forgot that this is Ten, where the demographic is, well, shall we say, less than discerning in its viewing habits and has producers that will do anything machiavellian to maintain their youth-skewed ratings numbers.
Martin,
The media Nazis relentless attacks on Gillard and Labour is pathetic and sickening. The Australian is especially rampant,foam at the mouth stuff at the moment.
Talk about Murdoch and big business’s mouth piece.
I agree James they don’t want the mega rich don’t want their oligarchy/dictatorship to be hurt and a lot of bogans don’t want their unearned and undeserved positions to be hurt. Even though they’ve had such an amazing run over the last 10-15 years and made SO much money (that they didn’t deserve or earn). The sad thing is a lot of bogans that would be hurt by Abbott are lapping it all up.
Martin
The bogans gulibility re Abbott’s mouthings is truely amazing.more mooves then Ginger Rogers
He is anti abortion,anti union anti fair go for workers still thinks the market forces will solve everythin for everyone. still he must be a bit simple to heve ever signed up to be a catholic priest. Needs someone to feed concepts to him and hes on his bike. Maybe TBL could do a blog on the subject as it make one start to believe conspiracy theoryists are right and that “they” are putting something in our water. ! ,
Yeah James I’m still not sure what it is on the whole. Is it just News Ltd and the like or is it also just flat out misogyny?
Or is it because these bogans are so stretched to the limit with their greed and status anxiety that there is no leeway what so ever.
It’d have to be something quite maxxtreme to be giving that nutter Abbott any credit.
Yeah he’s a real good Catholic isn’t he, having given a child up for adoption. He’s also got something like $700k worth of personal debt which I find peculiar given that where he lives isn’t terribly expensive and he would have bought his place when house prices were still reasonable.
Martin,
Sounds like he has the aspirations of a poor catholic boy.Bet the catholics are glad hes not a priest. He would lock the congregation in the church until he had sufficient in the plate ! All the time telling them that what he was doing was good for them.
No more George Show anymore.It’s since been replaced by Family Feud and it was time tried something other than recycled US sitcoms at 6pm given Homer and Bart were getting Old and Stale.But anything has to be better than watching a man as old as Homer’s father hosting some current affairs show the under 50 brigade has no interest in.
What happened to A C$nty Affair?
That Crap still exists much to the disgust of those of us decent folk who miss our 7PM Sitcoms of all sorts on Nine.I knew the network was shaving problems at that hour for the last few years but putting that ACA rubbish on with that Cringe Worthy Host on won’t fix anything.
What is the sound of several generations of Media Watch presenters watching with surprise, (but not displeasure)?
Things Bogans Don’t Like
Tipping on cruise ships.
travel/news/celebrity-cruises-to-teach-reluctant-aussies-how-to-tip/story-e6frfq80-1226106884968
You don’t have a choice on some ships, my mum had to pay I think it was US$700 when she boarded for tips which are spread around the whole staff, not just the wait/room staff.
I hate tipping, I never know how much or when. Our Aussie system is much bettter than them bloody ferigners.
Having worked as a dish pig, I always over tip. I know how valuable that is.
The problem I have with tipping is that it is only the frontline staff who get the tips. What about the poor bastards out the back doing the dirty work who get nothing? The other problem I have is that I find it hard to give a bonus to somebody who probably gets paid more than I do.
But Bogan tripping rules are different.
Hot Chick – Tip
Anyone else – Fark orf
Anyone brown
Dey turk ur jerbs.
I just spent the last two weeks training a brown people (Bangladeshi, to give the correct hue).
He was intelligent, dilligent and charming. he is here with his wife who is doing her PhD at Flinders.
It will surprise none of our regular commenteers that I have risen to the top in an industry which is beneath the dignity of most. My psychiatrist calls it shamebusting.
anyway…
I was informed prior to the fact that my new Bengali chum would be meeting me on site and that his name was 5253. He was an hour early and his name was actually 52425 – obviously too difficult for the bogan ear or memory. I thought he was pretty cool. He was amazed that I knew Bangladesh was Bengal and that it was presently Ramadan (I promised I would teach him to swear properly after the holy month) After the first day he was effusive in his expression of how grateful he was to be working with me. “My first Australian Boss, I will remember you always!” I said I was glad to have him, “you should be aware though 52425, some Australians are a bit….”
“oh Boss, I am already four months in Australia. I know many people are so offensive. This is why I am so happy you are my Boss.”
sad.
Awww…
Say hi to 52425 for us all.
I dish pigged for a few months. I got fark all.
I got $4.08 per hour. I don’t think I even lasted one month.
It was in the late 80’s. I don’t remember how much but certainly no tips.
Martin,
What sort of criminal would pay anyone only $4.08 per hour ?
Put their name up in lights so we can al go and glass the carnt
This was in the early 90s. It was some chain store fish and chip shop. Perfectly legal. They employed a lot of 14 year and 9month old people like I was.
They were quite nice people actually but the job was a carnt.
Oh, James Hunter, don’t have a crai about it. You probably don’t even pay your troupe of lolcock carnies that much. Sadly paying staff correctly and running a business effectively are just two things you will never understand because you are a weak, timid and untrustworthy homosexual.
Some of the Picker Packer places pay figures that low per hour to their workers.It sickens me to see even for people on disability payments getting such pathetic hourly payments for so many hours a week of work.Third world pay in first world nations is not on
In most restaurants, dish pigs share tips with the front staff. Least the ones I worked in.
I don’t mind tipping. I think it takes a lot of discipline to look nice, be nice and have grace. It also helps if they look hot and give me a look like they’d bang me.
But if they don’t have that they can git farked. Like this shitty restaurant I went to where the food was like some sort of maggi shit that you could make yourself and the staff went out of their way to not make eye contact. Nose studs are definite no no, they just remind me of the existence of snot.
I worked both as a waiter and dish pig and believe me, that at the time (2001 under the Court (WA) Gummint’s draconian industrial relations regime), any tips were welcome…the most generous tipper I had was a regular who was a prostitute, who’d come in at 4 or 5 AM after work on a Sunday morning and give me $10 each time I took her order and brought up her meal: she was pretty cool.
If the service is good, I’ll tip. Because I don’t tip that much when I do I tip handsomely. Good service is all to rare though.
Treat me like I’m nothing but an irritation to you and I’ll come around to your house and spit in your food.
Happy Friday, my weekend’s set.
http://www.bloglovin.com/m/201372/267394784/a/0/aHR0cCUzQSUyRiUyRmZlZWRzLmdhd2tlci5jb20lMkYlN0VyJTJGamV6ZWJlbCUyRmZ1bGwlMkYlN0UzJTJGem1yRW9KX3ZQOEklMkZjcmFpZ3NsaXN0LXBvc3Rlci1zZWVrcy1wYXJ0bmVycy1mb3ItbWFuaG9vZC1jYW1waW5nLXRvdGFsbHktbm9uJTJCc2V4dWFsLWdyb3VwLW1hc3R1cmJhdGlvbg==
Panda,
Give my regards to Pete as he will surely be there.
I just googled circle jerking to try to find something funny to post, but I can’t post any of those photos! Bloody hell, I had no idea google would bring up photos like that at work, oops.
Simon,
In outer space the screams are silent
I didn’t scream, but I did blush a bit.
I haven’t seen that much wood since Woodie the Woodpecker entered a Wood pecking contest in Woodville!
“C’mon, pull yourselves together… Er, let me rephrase that!”
Panda – bating
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/shane-warne-was-spin-king-now-slim-king/story-e6frf9if-1226108563834
F*ck a duck, he looks like a Thunderbird.
Maxtreme celebrity addiction #847 – Diet Shakes.
If he doesn’t stop he will fade away & become a legend.
We can hope Panda, we can hope.
Looks like he should spend some of his hard earned money on some new down sizes clothes ?
Oh, James Hunter, as one who practically lives in the same moth-eaten ensemble of ratty-looking long shorts and repulsive mould-encrusted shirt, you are in no position to comment on anyone else’s sartorial selection. Learn from it, pops!
Pete babe,
The shift work is getting to you young fella. you realy would be much happier in a job with regular hours.
Oh, James Hunter, it’s workers like me whose taxes pay the fortnightly stipend you receive for sitting around on your large and flabby backside while accomplishing nothing worthwhile. Bit of gratitude towards your benefactor, pops!
I’m gonna call it here.
248) = Oral.
I say this because of a conversation I shared with some bogues while on the drink last night celebrating my 21st birthday. You guys don’t wanna know, trust me.
Yeah we do, and happy birthday!
I’ll go with Ash, 3 cheers for Ash.
:-0 :-0 :-0
There is nothing worse than some carnt telling you you don’t want to know something, then I just have to know! Out with it Birthday boy.
I too am interested. I have heard conversations in both Qld and WA over the last month about oral. The similarities were remarkable. Wondering now if there is an Australian wide oral movement.
Happy Birthday Ash!
Fine. Carnts.
The conversation began about #124, but I had the temerity to point out that buttsecks, in any form, is kinda ghey. When it was pointed out to me that it was with a chick, I mentioned “yeah, true, but what do you see of her except the arse? Doesn’t make a difference, yr still fukn in there. And gay dudes probably do it better also. They know what to do and shit.”
Somehow I avoided a glassin’ as the conversation moved to oral. Apparently the latest practice du jour is to pull out just before ejaculation and to cum all over yr partner’s face. Since I have sadly never had a good blow job in my life, I had nothing much to say.
Redtube et al. have a lot to answer for!
As an occasional consumer of Redtube…yr right.
I thought it was going to be something new. That has been a classic move since porn was invented by John Holmes.
The bogans have only cottoned on now that porn is free.
There is nothing sexier than an eye full of spooge.
What’s really bogan is when the girl doesn’t want anything to do with the load and she asks the guy to tell her when he’s cumming, but he deliberately doesn’t and she cops it anyway. Which is what one my old bogan friends did.
Happy birthday Ash.
*Glasses* Ash for still being so young.
martin,
Two things I find hard to comprehen are why any male wants to pull out and come on his girls face unless they realy prefer wanking to penetrative sex and second why the girls seem to accept itbecause the expressions on the face of most that you see dont seem to be enjoying it.
Oh, James Hunter, while on the subj. of things incomprehensible: there’s your posts… Also, pops, your input on matters sexual is about as required as you sexual input; cease and desist, puleeesse!
whilst I may not agree with what you are saying, I shall defend to the death your right to say it.
If yr gonna glass me for anything, glass me for being incredibly good looking to go with my youth.
Or for being excessively modest to go with your looks ?
JH – my mum always told me that honesty is the best policy. So I choose to be honest.
Yeah. Redtube and youporn are free. But I reckon even the bogan wouldn’t be too happy with the fake boob tatt ridden US skanks on there. They could get it via torrent but the bogan doesn’t know how to torrent.
In fact even though the bogan has had a computer since the late 90s it can’t even burn their data onto a dvd. I have relos like this and I had to do some burning for them. Can’t even google “how to burn a dvd” and read. F#cktards.
Martin,
The younger ones have the advantage of recieving some training at school ore tafe or uni. Most of us older ones grew up in a world without calculators or mobile phones hard as that5 is to believe.
I don’t blame the oldies. These people I’m talking about aren’t old, only a few years older than me.
Life was better without mobiles. I have a mobile that I hardly use, because I dislike them, but I take it in the car with me in case I have a crash or I have to call the NRMA. I think life was more exciting when you had the risk of breaking down or crashing and you had to walk, now you don’t even have to get off your arse if you f#ck up and have a crash anymore. Total nanny state man.
I declare that mobiles are bogan.
Remember when mobiles first came out and people used to pose with them as if they were king shit? Ha ha. F#cken oath they’re bogan.
I think mobiles are more libtard than bogan Martin, nanny state dude.
It’s not just you old farts JH. I’m only 40 and remember pre mobile. I’m so old I had one of those bag phones!
Ah yes the Motorola “Brick” !
Oh, James Hunter, the Eighth Wonder of The World must surely be the Dogpatch telephone exchange. How on Earth it manages to keep all those pieces of string (which are connected to all those tin cans) untangled is amazing. As an interesting side note: it’s amusing, though unsurprising, that you had to be told to empty the tin can before attaching a string to it…)
far fackin out Ash!
we have the same birthday!
but ‘cept I’m not 21.
…just over twice that.
*sigh*
I have lived two Ash lifetimes.
and two thirds of a James Hunter.
congratulations.
MC,
Good thing about growing old is you only gotta do it once
Pulled up alongside a dented old Magna earlier, filled to overflowing with gangly stubbly young men in hip hop headgear. Affixed to a side window was a sign inscribed thusly: “Making babies on board”. At least we know the good folks at P&O will never go out of business.
News Ltd reports that Al Qaeda has taken responsibility for a polar bear attack in Norway that killed a 17-year-old English student.
More news as it comes to mind.
full marks.
Amend:
Turns out the initial report was a bit of creative journalism from the journalistic gun-jumpers at News. The polar bear has since been linked to an underground white supremacist group and believes it has struck a blow against that liberal, multiculturalist, Arctic-camping education that has so pervaded pure Polar culture in recent years.
For more information read the bear’s manifesto: “2083: A Declaration of White North-Polar Independence and the Ethics of Eating Baby Seals”.
Now that is News Spurious. Ya don’t see Negus reporting the facts like that. No, he would rather report on Kim k’s arse.
Wow, and heres me thinking that camp ing education was only for poofters
Kim K’s arse is rad. My ladyfriend accuses her of being talentless. Spurious accusation, dat.
Still, keep the Arctic white…
…Unless Kim K wants to cart her fine brownish ass up north, in which case I believe even Mr Grumpypants Anders Breivik wouldn’t object.
Farken homo.
News.com today report that the book Taipan was on the 2010 reading list of the school that the Pulver girl attends, it further reporth on an interview with the father.
Interestinly they also report that police have advised the parents not to give interviews.
Big ask if the Tellegraph could do their part and not ask for interviews ?
also if the “magor leed” ie the book beingh on the book list would it not have been more value to police if the information were given to them privatel rather having its value potentially degraded by being blasted all over the trashmedia ?
I quite liked how it was described as an “obscure” book.
Then again, to a public that only reads Dan Brown and the Picture, it probably is.
Bomb girl is fast becoming a new Thing/Person Bogans Like.
On the surface she’s not that bogue (old money, goes to a legit fancy private school etc) although, knowing some of the population of her school, there’s a very good chance she’s not dissimilar to Ja’mie from Summer Heights High which is a form of boganity in itself (a particularly bitchy, stuck-up form).
But her ordeal is fast making her the new Jessica Watson.
Bogans will only like her if it proves to be a hoax. Thay’re all waiting anxiously at their keyboards waiting to post a nasty rant in the comments section of the Telegraph.
Mick ,
If it goes unresolved for too long the Tele may write that They “have it from a Reliable source ” that it was a hoax
or the good old “Police have not ruled it out” (hard to refute)” or “it is believed in some circles” like crop circles
Mick,
I have done photo shoots for Picture and Picture Premium so can assure you only roooly high class shit gets published !!
In front of or behind the camera?
Mick,
Just for completeness,
Euro TV, Italy, Poland,Germany and Greece
Channel Seven “Guiness Records Australia”(Well Freemantle Productions actually)
SBS “Fat Pizza” (4 X) and “Swift ad Shift”
Aust Got Tallent Twice
Channel V
USA Cable TV (Various)
Lots of the normal local tv and radio news grabs but dont realy count them and local papers when they reu short of real tallent.
Mind you the write up in Adelaide media when the local do gooders complained to the Fringe Management ,The RSPCA,The Premiers Office and our venue to the extent of 350 complaints in first morning after we “Apparently” ate a live mouse on stage at Fringe 2006.
That was a screem. when i asked one of the idiots “If you watch a magician put a woman in a box and saw her in half do you expect to find a big blue bin out the back full of bums and legs”
“Well no…But we saw you do it”
Duh
Hmm I think that is most of em.
Hey James. I’ve just gotten into Swift & Shift. You were in one of the episodes? It’s not you who is the fat guy that nobody understands is it?
Loved that show. Hope Turpie is ok. Saw him in the car park down at my local a few months ago. Skinny as hell.
He is such a f#cken Aussie.
Mick,
Oh how could you !
In front of the camera of course !
Also “Brag” and “Oz Bike”
Also for NewZealand Expat Sydney photographer “Michael Hall” Who has also published a book of “Jim” Photos.
I do do some behind camera work but not of any especial notarity. Mostly industrial Photography for adds and some for our own “Circus Bizarre.”.
I only share this information because Pete Babe is running short of things in my life to critiicise and I would realy(sic) hate to give “him” any distress !
Oh, James Hunter, thanks for the CV overview, pops. Although it’s difficult to decide what part of your tragic existence is the least impressive: Perhaps it’s your stint as Artist-in-Residency at the Adelaide Fringe (Adelaide? Shudders!) Or your Internship at various regional newspapers (aka pamphlets). Just why you weren’t awarded a Fulbright I’ll never understand. I mean, your various community projects, academic publications, Educational Memberships & continuous stream of scholarships confirm every deluded idea you ever had about yourself.
Also, pops, you media maven, it’s hardly surprising you appeared as a monthly Home Bloke at The Picture {Magazine}. Equally unsurprising is how you did not win. For the uninitiated, here’s ACP’s own description of The Picture: “For almost 21 years now, The Picture has been the average Aussie bloke’s first stop for funny local stories, jokes, stunning nude girls, bizarre photos, puzzles with swear words in them and advice columns written by strippers. A weekly magazine squarely aimed at anyone who has a sense of humour and likes looking at women without their clothes on, it’s always chock-a-block with the cream of Australian womanhood in all their naked glory. We call them Home Girls, and they’re not supermodels – they’re real women you could meet at the shops, in the pub or at the bus stop. There isn’t another mag on the planet that looks at the world the way we do: through a pair of beer goggles. The Picture – don’t let the name fool you. There are words in it, too.”
Those last two sentences…
Oh, James Hunter how many ‘real women’ have you met ‘at the shops, in the pub or at the bus stop’? I feel certain the Dogpatch Arms must be absolutely chockers with such gunnies!
JH, can we put Petey Boy in the yard for a while? I thought you had those in Lower Dogpatch, which does not appear in any map of Australia that I possess. Therefore, I assume that it exists in my imagination…which means you exist in my imagination…which means – oh shit, what am I doing? Where am I? Don’t reply to this. PRANK CALLER! PRANK CALLER!
i have become a fan of peter thornton!
Thornton is a pain.
Get back under your bridge troll.
Panda sick of it.
Panda,
I am truly puzzled by it. it attackes in its childish way anything that i say be it serious,humourous, satirical or nonsensical and yet it never makes any comments to add to general debate or provide information of general interest.
Funny thing is that of course it knows absolutely nothing about me other then what is on my website or that i have posted . what has inspired its continual monotribe of gutter slander and schoolboy potty mout attempts to humour itself at the expense(percieved) of myself is way outside the relms of sane immagination.
If you notice the times of his posts he must be doing night shifts at the moment and maybe that explains it.
I try and sometimes succeed for days at a time to simply ignore it but problem is every post i make is spat upon by it .it truly is obsesed and must spend hours every day going through the entire blog looking for fresh commen of mine.
It is annouing, perplexing and potentially dangerous. the degree of obsession it shows is often the precursor for psychotic episodes of a violent nature.
should i be worried ?
maybe i need to report it to TBL or Federal Police ?
What do you think ?
Both JH, plus TT and ACA. They can do an expose on the cabbage rooting nutjob.
Simon,
Maybe it will become necessary.
When do cabbages come into season ? maybe it will settle down then ?
Actually I would ask the boys to consign him to the interweb ether again. He obviously has problems.
How does one go about that ?
You’re only human.
They don’t seem to have an email so just post your request under the latest post and see what happens. If no response, repeat procedure.
You could try typing something that needs moderation (have fun).
I’ve always thought that he knows you James from the tone.
Do you have a cheeky nephew or the like?
Yeah, moderation is a good idea, they need to read those.
There is an email address here;
https://thingsboganslike.com/about/
See if that works.
Panda,
Thats their web site.?
See below,
So now we are the dumbarse bullying hayseeds .
Wow.
Panda,
Just reading its latest missive I note he has C&Pd everything I have posted. Wonder if he did the same for his own ?
Shows definite stalking intent ?
Oh, James Hunter, while the basic premise of your post is neither a factual or an analytical approach, your calculated attempt to paint yourself as an innocent victim is both manipulative and pathetic. Think back to the abuse you and others have hurled at me (you’ll need to be sober for this). Was I worried? Did I need to jump into a vituperative diatribe against your comments? Not really, although I’ve C&P’d every single abusive post written to me in anticipation of this predictable turn of character. You dumbarse, bullying hayseeds all act in the same obvious ways. You dish it out but are too weak to suck it up and you do nothing but turn this site into a Jerry Springer show. I’m so glad I’m not you, pops. Farewell, rube.
Mental Note to Self No more Cruises after this year.I have had enough of dealing with idiots and feral scum for the most part close to five years in a row except for the time I broke the habit and went to Vietnam in 2009.From 2013 onwards It’s back to my usual Asian or Land Based South Pacific Holidays that I did in the past prior to Christmas 2007.
This Year I am in the process of getting a Singapore Holiday arranged at the present time to replace a now cancelled booking I had for the Carnival Spirit to Fiji and New Caledonia Cruise this Christmas I booked ages ago and it was not just the cost or the fear about the ending of the world that forced me to look at other options.I got stuck for the most part with ferals on my last cruise on the Pacific Jewel and required some grown up company at times with families to escape from them.Who knows next year officially providing it’s safe to do so It might be a group tour to Thailand for me in 2013.