What Woman Problem?
Here at this illustrious font of intense philosophical and boganic thought, we have delved deeply into the male bogan’s thoughts on gender. While words like ‘neolithic’ and ‘Neanderthal’ emerge regularly during such discourses, we respect the man-bogue’s right to consider women to be the inferior vessel that impedes its abilities to be maxtreme at the pub with its mates.
If, however, we were running for elected office, and we were in opposition to a government who apparently commands approximately 6000% of the femme-bogue vote, we would perhaps be a little bit circumspect when it came to drawing attention to the fact that, in all likelihood, 51% of bogans are female. We would attempt to dissuade the male of the species from holding such views, that women were objects of scorn and objectification, that mockery was an effective means of proving our ability to govern better than the Powerfox. It would seem sensible that, in a country with compulsory voting and a reasonably enlightened view of female emancipation, you would not fuck with the woman vote.
Not to the Liberals it’s not. Unable to afford to even set up an effective campaign headquarters within four days of the election being called, and with an obsession with budget surpluses that the bogan finds appealing for no greater reason than its own inability to balance the credit card, they find themselves in the unusual position of not being able to afford any bogan bribes.
What to do?
Why, insult women, of course! The party that coasted to government for over a decade on the bogan back has decided that the bogan vote is comprised almost entirely of blokes called ‘Dunno’ whose level of respect for women veers somewhere between ‘scathing disrespect’ and ‘Warney’ on the scale of immense hatecrimes against women. Former treasurer, gutless wonder Peter Costello, barred from appealing directly to the male bogan after proving he didn’t have the stones to challenge, decided to impersonate AFFPM at a function full of old white men. On TV. With all the grace and tact of the upstart private school arsewad he appears to be, he adopted a nasal whine and busted out the bogan slogan ‘Moving Forward’. To great mirth. Except, the male bogan is already likely to vote liberal, after deciding that it enjoys REAL ACTION (the Hungarian-produced erotic video series, volumes 1 through 25). Thus, the femme-bogue is all-important to the Coalition. The femme-bogue remains unimpressed.
Then, Joe Hockey, the bloke who had the stones to run for party leader, but was so unimpressive that Tony Abbott won the ballot, decided to compare Wayne Swan’s relationship to budget surpluses (again) to Paris Hilton’s apparent sluttiness. Not only could this potentially alienate vital slutty voters, it will also offend pretty much every bogan. The she-bogan to this day holds Ms Hilton in the highest regard for her unerring ability to be famous at all times and do what she wants. The male bogan likes Paris Hilton because he believes there is a genuine chance that, like Millsy, he might get to nail her one day.
But all this innuendo and tomfoolery is distracting from one vitally important thing: the cut of Tony Abbott’s budgies. So obscured have they become in the argy-bargy of political horseplay, gender-baiting and bogan-whispering, that soon the bogan will forget how epic Tony’s rig is. The less the bogan sees of Abbott’s maxtreme capacity to hand boat people the biggest asswhooping available outside an active warzone, the less the bogan likes about Tony Abbott. Expect him to wheel out the big guns before too long. Perhaps on Hey Hey.
Liberal Score: 1 pantsless celebrity out of 10