#118 – Vampires

1 04 2010

It’s Angel’s fault, really. The success of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the 1990s naturally and inexorably led to that most bogan of TV abominations, the spin-off. Bogans like nothing more than copies of TV shows they already like, so creating a show featuring the character of greatest bogan appeal means a whole new show without having to write new characters or scripts. While Angel was undeniably a more boring character than everyone else on Buffy, the evil geniuses in TV land knew that with his vampire-with-a-soul shtick, they had struck bogan gold.

The female bogan was unable to resist. She desires nothing so much as x-treme romance. While she often tells her disapproving friends that despite the tribal tatts and facial scarring, her man is “a real sweetie underneath”, the vampire is a representation of the fantasy that her muscle-bound neolith cannot live up to. While the dangers of regular, bogan, romance may be limited to domestic violence and STDs, Vampire romance is linked to transmogrification, shimmering, and abstinence.

Like Richard Wilkins, the modern vampire is an empty shell, a vessel into which the female bogan can pour her frustrated sense of romance and danger. Despite the fact that the vampire most likely wants to kill and disfigure her, she has decided that, thanks to Angel, the vampire is merely misunderstood. Having the requisite level of danger (possibly homicidal) coupled with being relatively safe (he is a fictional character), the femme-bogue can sit back in bed at night and dream of Edward Cullen not-quite ravishing her.

After seeing Twilight – on Richard Wilkins’ recommendation – the bogan decided to read all of the books. These books feature two key characters; a female character with absolutely no personality beyond whining about how awful her life is, and a vampire who is beautiful, kind, listens to the whining and glows in the dark or something. And refuses to root her.

Despite the female bogan’s embrace of hyper-sexualising itself and its children, it finds a book written by an abstinence-promoting Mormon about a 600 year-old teenager not wanting to ‘bite’ his nubile belle irresistibly arousing. In fact, the femme-bogue becomes so engorged by the notion of abstinence that it is likely to proceed post-haste to the local glassing barn to gyrate wildly against anyone not smelling strongly of garlic. This demonstrates the dizzying power sexual innuendo and metaphor has over the bogan’s copulatory glands.

Unfortunately, the bogan’s inability to actually understand metaphor resulted in True Blood. Take vampires, give them a conscience, and have them engage in x-treme sex scenes with Anna Pacquin. The bogan, after all, doesn’t understand abstinence either. Of any kind.

Please note, the TBL team will be taking advantage of the four-day weekend to avoid thinking about bogans for a few days. We suggest you do the same and come again on Tuesday for more bogan-mocking action!

Cheers, the lads from TBL


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412 responses

1 04 2010
Cameron Collie

Worst of all, the average bogan considers this ‘literature’…

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Unfortunately I was out yesterday so I missed the shitstorm over Fiona and her/his crap trolling/posting.

I agree with Juansito. I come to the comments to read about examples and anecdotes of Bogan behaviour from the posters regarding the days topic.

Initially a post would go up and here and generally the comments would relate to the post and someone may occasionally comment ‘yes that happened to me’ or ‘I saw that also’ now all you get is 5 comments relating to the post and 490 comments of people going off on tangents and blowing smoke up each others arses.

‘LOL!’

‘Oh good one Fiona’

‘I’ve got a degree in classics’

‘Well done Fiona’

Is that annoying? To me it is. Borders of sycophancy.

To paraphrase the bogues favourite larrikin artist (Kevin Bloody Wilson) …..
you can jam your fucking LOL up your fucking ARSE!

From now on, not that I make many, I’m beginning all my posts with FOF! It’s shorthand for Fuck Off Fiona!

I’m tired of wading through dozens of shit posts to find the occasional gem. It’s gotten worse as time has gone on.

I know someone will write ‘well don’t read the comments’ but I DO want to read the comments mainly for examples of bogueish behaviour relating to the day’s post not hundreds of inane idiots chattering like a dozen galahs in a gum tree.

Join in if you like.

FOF!

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Didn’t you also post this yesterday? To no avail.

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

More than once but late at night.

FOF!

1 04 2010
Lana

WTF does FOF mean??

Am i living under a rock? because i swear thats a new one…

Oh wait dont reveal it.. i’d dread to hear a bogan slaughtering the crap out of an acronym again after:

OMG
ZOMG
WTF

and all the other crazy stuff they use..

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Muz has launched a one-wo/man fatwah on Fiona of Toorak, whose posts inevitably begin with LOL.
Muz, in the interests of pure unadulterated vengeance, is now prefacing his posts with FOF – meaning “F&#K off Fiona”.

Aaaahhh, TBL – the last bastion of commonsense and adult behaviour!

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Really I just want to read about examples of bogan behaviour without wading through 400 inane comments that could be better posted on MSN or something else.

I love the site but I logged on last night to see 560 comments of which about 10 where relevant to the topic.

FOF!

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

So you’re replacing said inane comments with your own inane comments. Thanks a lot.

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

No I am making a point. (Point out the inanity above.)

The comments section of the blog has been overtaken by half a dozen halfwits meaning the wheat is very hard to sort from the chaff.

Compare the initial posts of TBL, say sub 20, and the comments there to the rubbish that is being perpetuated now.

I told a few of my mates about the blog and how there are great comments to be read. They’ve just came back with ‘mate I don’t have the time to wade through this garbage’.

FOF!

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

It’s a moot point. Or rather – I wish you were mute.
See:
https://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/2010/02/12/84-sms-speak/

5 04 2010
ohnobogan

FOF

I’ll join in, Fiona’s trolling is annoying.

Oh yeah, that’s right, Twilight.

Who is S. Meyer – a boring, uninventive, uninspired twat.

Who reads Twilight? Middle aged bogan mums, whose bogan husbands are just so glad the woman has found another source of entertainment that doesn’t stop him watching the Tube and drinking beer.

Typically, they’re really proud that Twilight has motivated them to ‘start reading again’ – like it’s a bicycle and they just grew out of it for 20 years. Too bad, all they seem to do is read Twilight and fantasize about a handsome, vegetarian vampire rescuing them in order to escape the mundanity of the burbs, their unhealthy lifestyle, their brat children, their overweight selves (and husbands) and the permanent feeling of hangover they carry with them everywhere.

1 04 2010
Lana

Awwwwww Tombarina- thank you for the verification 🙂

Muz..

I salute you… *claps hands..*

You are the future… 😀

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

kevin ‘bloody’ wilson.

seriously?

2 04 2010
pinky has a brain

You do realise muzz that you have done exactly the same thing as Fiona. Now I have to wade through your shit to find fiona’s comments.

3 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Fun isn’t it?

FOF!

7 04 2010
Kat

I don’t mind Fiona’s posts but yeah, the responses are mostly boring. It would be good if people weren’t so easily impressed.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

I didn’t think the average bogan tended to use or even think the word ‘literature’. Don’t they just have ‘stories’ and ‘true stories’?

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Close: “stories” are for what they watch on TV and “fancy book learnin'” is for what they suspect can be found in books.

1 04 2010
Muz

@ AlyssaKT

FOF!

Well I wish the half dozen idiots led by Fiona and her fawning sycophants were moot as well but it’s not likely to happen.

What’s the matter? Don’t like a bit of your own back?

Anyway it’s not SMS speak. It’s an Acronym I’ve made up.

But that’s ok I’m not claiming ownership, anyone can preface their comments with it if they feel like it.

I mean as long as everyone else is blowing smoke up each other arses, why not mine as well?

By the way, waiting on your example of my inanity.

FOF!

1 04 2010
Muz

@ AlyssaKT

FOF!

Annoying isn’t it.

FOF!

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Whoops, ‘mute’ not ‘moot’.

FOF!

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Anyway, I’ll leave you lot to sort yourselves out.

FOF!

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. All too hard for you, isn’t it Muz(zled)?

3 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Unlike yourself I have a life that involves not being planted in front of the computer making pithy comments to fawning sycophants every waking hour.

FOF!

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

wow.
you used to post good stuff guy.

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Look Muzfof
You can dislike whomever you wish. It doesn’t offend me. However, if you think replacing alleged inane comments with your own inane comments is an accomplishment then I am baffled and not amused.
If you’re irked by Fiona’s fan club then you’d do better to request their explanations for such adoration.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Ahhh Alyssa don’t waste your words. Muz and his peers are here to wage a war on a misunderstood, unknown, unquantified and arguably non-existent enemy. It’s all about the war.

To quote Hanson ‘Where’s the Love’?

Peace out. xx

3 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Adults acting like 15 year old girls does not require any explanation.

Again, I invite you to show me an example of an inanity in my posts above.

My posts are valid observations/criticisms. I’ve bitten my tongue over the past few months but ever since others (Juansito etc.) have opened hostilities I thought I’d join in because I wholeheartedly agree.

FOF!

4 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

“Muz (17:44:34) :

@ AlyssaKT

FOF!

Annoying isn’t it.

FOF!”

inane.

5 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Possible inanity.

FOF!

4 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

“…It’s an Acronym I’ve made up.”

lacking sense or substance.

inane.

4 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

couldn’t be bothered.

5 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Statement of fact. Not an inanity.

FOF!

5 04 2010
brad

Vous e`tes un poltron muz.L’expose des faits,pas une ineptie.

6 04 2010
Muz

Wow Brad you’re SOOO clever calling me names in French.

Well here’s one from my heritage. Feel free to google it.

‘yebem ti mrtwu mater!’

7 04 2010
Glass 'em all

That would be ‘lit’ and ‘lit-richer’.

1 04 2010
Laura

“Bogans like nothing more than copies of TV shows they already like”.

“Like Richard Wilkins, the modern vampire is an empty shell, a vessel into which the female bogan can pour her frustrated sense of romance and danger.”

“The femme-bogue becomes so engorged by the notion of abstinence that it is likely to proceed post-haste to the local glassing barn to gyrate wildly against anyone not smelling strongly of garlic. ”

Ohmigod, gold, gold, gold!! Bravo, TBL.

That said, though, I do have to confess I’m not altogether impartial to vamp-allure. I AM drawn to vampire characters, albeit the non-sparkly kind. I like vamps more in the vein of Lestat and Louis, I guess….please tell me Anne Rice isn’t bogue…? *Gulp*

You good folks at TBL are indeed deserving of a break from bogues, so make the most of it this Easter, hehe!!

1 04 2010
brad

She wasnt bogue until they produced the truly horrifying,made in Australia,Lestat movie.As i recall one of the actresses died shortly before the release-obviously saw the abomination before it was unleashed on the public.

Indeed, while Lestat the character may not be bogan, surely the use of Brad Pitt as a vampire with a conscience (sound familiar?) appealed directly to the bogan. Anne Rice knew this. Come to think of it, this was even before Angel…Anne Rice, a bogan whisperer? TBL

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Imagine; a “bogan whisperer” with a “horse”vioce ?

1 04 2010
Laura

Awww, come now! Anne Rice isn’t exclusively bogue! Right?

Right?

Egads, I don’t wanna be a bogan! O_O (That smiley denotes wide-eyed horror, for the uninitiated).

I do concede, though, about Braddo being cast as conscientious vamp, Louis. In Anne Rice’s defense, she was horrified with this choice, initially. After having seen the thing, she retracted the the vitriol she unleashed on Braddles, though.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Whether Anne Rice is or is not bogue is irrelevant to me. Let’s make fun of her anyway.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I bet she shits out cubic rice balls

1 04 2010
Shirley M

The cubic part of your statement appeals to me.

9 04 2010
Kat

I guess whether Anne Rice is bogue or not depends on whether or not you think Jackie Collins and such are bogue.

1 04 2010
brad

its a J.K.Rowling thing-club it too death

2 07 2010
Rose

Yes TBL,, as a giant Angel fan i would disagree that it is bogan – it has too many metaphors and existential themes that would have gone over the bogans’ heads. But the big one you’re talking about is absolutely right, and while I’d hate to admit that i was pulled into that wanting of the unattainable (as an excuse for my poor taste in men) – alas i was. [but quite aware of it]

But Vampire-with-a-soul kind of goes way back – think literary vampire, misunderstood Dracula definitely had some soul driven feelings for a human companion – and the movie, well Dracs definitely had a thing for keano…in his old man form at least; in his young form it was all about winona.

21 10 2010
Lord Boofhead

Totally Buffy/Angel had and still does have a massive Geek following. Sure when it was big plenty of bogans may have jumped on the band wagon and watched.

The whole macho yet sexually neutered thing that Angel had going on as part of the Gypsy Curse is of course something that appeals to a lot of teenage girls that also why they swooned over Olando Bloom as Legolas and every other androgynous stars.

In fact Wheedon eventually countered this by increasing the profile of Spike who was basically just a penis with fangs…

24 12 2010
lainy4789

No, no NO! This representation of the vampire is new! In Bram Stoker’s original text the vampire is not a sympathetic creature; it is a creature of hideous appearance that must be destroyed without reservations. He didn’t want a human companion, he took Lucy and attempted to take Mina first as a means of feeding and secondly as a way of asserting dominance over the his English opponents. Come to think of it, this initial representation, where the ugly, wealthy, woman-stealing foreigner must be put death to keep the society pure would also probably play well with bogans…

1 04 2010
JimC

The last Anne Rice book I could actually stomach was ‘Tale of the Body Thief’. And that was way back in the early nineties.

1 04 2010
vivisection

What about that other tragic 90’s McLit queen, Poppy Z Brite, oh god, the endless adjectives…The horror

1 04 2010
JimC

Yipes!!

Many, many years ago I actually read Poppy Z. Brite’s EXQUISITE CORPSE because it was considered a ‘nasty’ along the lines of AMERICAN PSYCHO.

And honestly, the only thing about it that I even remotely remember is that the whole story seemed to exist purely to lead up to a graphic gay sex scene.

That was as shocking as it got.

1 04 2010
Claire Moloko

amazing.

1 04 2010
Ironhalo

Enjoy Easter guys, thanks for the laughs.

I hope you raise many a glass over the weekend, and by raised I mean smashed repeatedly into some ‘stoopid caarnt’s’ face.

1 04 2010
Sten Mk II

i dug Vampires back in the 1980’s, and was teased mercilessly for it. I lusted after the ability to destroy annoying bogan trash with a flick of the wrist, but i never quite got there.

If Vampires did reveal themselves, bogans would be an endangered species.

we can but wish.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I share that same lust Sten II.
but I live it out in a Mickey and Mallory fantasy.

1 04 2010
The Boganator

True blood is totally bogan

1 04 2010
JimC

TWILIGHT should be called VINO, which stands for ‘Vampires In Name Only’.

I enjoy TRUE BLOOD. It’s a show that veers wildly between being awesome and stunningly terrible, often within the same scene. It’s entertaining and has enough sleaze and camp to appear to not take itself too seriously. And Anna Paquin does wonders for that tight t-shirt and little shorts.

The best vampire movie is a Swedish film called LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. It’s a beautiful piece of work. Not a dour, sparkly emo fool in sight.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. As no bogan would know, the “Let The Right One In” book is far superior. Did you know that Eli was a castrated boy?

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

You’re!!!

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Fi , speaking of castrated boys, that is what most of the “model” on the cake walk look like to me .Maybe they should start a choir?

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Speaking of castrated little boys, and you show up…

1 04 2010
Juansito

See can’t you keep this to MSN or some other chat program? This bares no relevance to the topic.

Please stray ON TOPIC

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. “Stray on topic”.

1 04 2010
JimC

Yeah, I read the book before I saw the movie. All the stuff in the novel about Eli’s ‘origin’ was, quite frankly, a bit cheesy. It was classic ‘Gothic castle and foppish vampire lord’ nonsense.

And I liked that they kept that sub-plot ambiguous in the film. In the movie you see ‘something’ but it’s done so fast and never explained.

As an adaptation I think that movie is quite a marvel. The author/screenwriter seemed to know exactly what to keep in and what to cut out. And the film that came out of it, aided immeasurably by two sublime performances from the kids, resulted in a modern masterpiece.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I understand what you’re saying, but I still feel the book to be better than the movie. The movie “misses” something without the background knowledge the book brings.

Conversely, the “True Blood” series is FAR better than the books.

9 04 2010
Kat

I saw the movie before reading the book and I agree the movie handled it very well – but I did miss a couple of things. Still… you have less time in a movie so they did a great job of adapting the novel. I don’t know that Eli’s origins were all that necessary, but having said that, I also don’t know why they showed what they did in the movie if they were not going to explain it.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

*Sorry, meant to post this HERE, not down the page where it’s repeated. Forgiveness, please…*

I’m with JimC.

It doesn’t get any less bogue than ‘Let The Right One In’ – bleak, beautiful, measured and (oh, the humanity) subtitled. The bogue likes its entertainment shouty, shiny, immediate and unsubtle, like Twenty20 cricket. Or Eddie McGuire.

And although one of the children in LTROI was a bloodthirsty, murderous, needy manipulator, she was still better-mannered and vastly more likeable than the average Jaxxzsyn.

2 04 2010
gordie

I like True Blood too, it’s a slightly different take on the Vampire story than most of the movies/shows i have seen over the years. I have to confess my favourite was always Christopher Lee as Dracula . Those movies do look lame now considering how bad the special effects were in the old days but sadly i had a crush on him when i was 12 so i still love them!

My interest in Vampires is (hopefully) not entirely bogan, my surname is unusual and a derivative if “Dracula” so i romantically, in my teen angst years, always felt vampire- ish ….although the blood drinking idea was icky..

9 04 2010
Kat

I’ve been into horror since I was a little kid, so I don’t care what is bogan or not, only what is good or not. I think True Blood is great – deliciously skanky and enjoyable and yes, better than the books. The books are a bit lighter and fluffier.

9 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And terrible! I understand that with my higher degree in the Classics I have a more discerning eye, but I truly do wonder how she managed to get published in the first place.

9 04 2010
Kat

Because she falls into the realm of chick lit – the stuff you read when you don’t want to challenge yourself or think too hard about it – and as chick lit goes, it’s better than a fair proportion of it. And, it sells.

9 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. But, but, but… it’s SO poorly written!

Given sales, I can see why they keep publishing her, but I can not for the life of me fathom why they originally did. Of course, their decision has proven correct.

9 04 2010
James

Please don’t tell me you read fiction Fiona. I don’t think I could stand it.

9 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I have at times attempted to do so. Mostly to no avail and almost always with no enjoyment.

9 04 2010
Kat

I guess she hit the right topic at the right time. Sometimes that’s all you need. I still think her books are enjoyable fluff and believe there are many successful authors out there who don’t write as well (Davinci Code guy, for example) but I agree she’s nothing special. Still, I wouldn’t have minded writing Dead Until Dawn. I could overcome the embarrassment of cashing cheques for that fluff. LOL

9 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL.

*shudder*

Dan Brown

*shudder*

9 04 2010
Kat

Yes. Awful. I bought that for my mum because everyone said it was good. I was so embarrassed after I actually read it. I still don’t believe people make such a fuss about it.

Having read the book, I did watch the movie because I thought that it might be better, but it was awful and I fell asleep.

9 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Ultimate cure for insomnia.

9 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. The good thing about the “Da Vinci Code” movie is that it was SO bad that it made you realise there was no point in seeing “Angels & Demons” which was even worse.

9 04 2010
AlyssaKT

FACT

1 04 2010
djm

Things Bogans Like: _some_ vampires. I can’t imagine too many bogans enjoying Nosferatu or The Hunger.

Ahhhhh, but the vampire has been adapted to suit the bogan need for soft, cuddly wuddly vampires. Nosferatu never stood a chance. TBL

1 04 2010
Ryu

Or Shadow of the Vampire. Surely John Malkovich’s finest (and most pretentious) moment.

I can imagine the Bouge watching such a film: “Who the fuck is this Nosferaaatu cunt?, I thought Willem Defoe was in this?”

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. “Surely John Malkovich’s … most pretentious moment.” That’s a big call…

1 04 2010
Brimstone

The Hunger is pretty enough for the average bogan. It was directed by Tony ‘Top Gun’ Scott

fun movie though
Nosferatu is awesome

1 04 2010
Ryu

Yes, the sex and murder in The Hunger appealed to my young bogan self in ways I didn’t quite understand. Or still don’t.

Also, I am am one of very few people on this earth who believe (genuinely) that David Bowie is a good actor. Please don’t flame me.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

*glass*
**glass**
*****GLASSGLASSGLASS*****

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

are you thinking what I’m thinking?
(opens fresh box of glasses)

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT
1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

*organises field trip for TBL regulars to glass factory*

6 04 2010
Benny Hill

What’s even more ironic is the glasses people get glassed with have the word/name ‘Headstart’ written across them.

Go figure that out you Mash lovers.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

By definition, ‘Being John Malkovich’ has to be John Malkovich’s most pretentious moment.

1 04 2010
Ryu

Hmm…. I left that movie thoroughly entertained but very cold, empty and frightened.

Mainly because of the writer, Kaufman. Brilliant writer, but I have zero empathy for any of the characters he creates. Too smart for his own good? That sounds very bouge but not meant to be. There’s a fine line. I love Pat Metheny, but he can disappear up his own arse too.

Point being, Being John Malkovich was self consciously cool, but Shadow of the Vampire was self consciously prententious, and quite frankly wallowed in it.

kinda like this post 😛

happy easter.

1 04 2010
JimC

I’ve alwaysconsidered Werner Herzog’s remake of NOSFERATU, with the inimitable Klaus Kinski, to be one of the greatest vampire movies ever.

1 04 2010
pb

nosferatu is clearly superior and max schreck’s performance amazing – apparently many people believed he was an actual vampire – but its never going to be liked by bogans. its in black and white, its silent, there are no explosions, and its really really old. all of these things would stop any bogan even considering watching it.

1 04 2010
Andrea

REAL VAMPIRES DON’T FUCKING SPARKLE!

…*ahem*. Sorry. Oh, and Anne Rice is not only bogan, but deeply disrespectful. “Ravings of a mad Irishman”? Bram Stoker got there first princess, now go back to writing awful books about Jesus.

As a fan of gothic literature (“Carmilla”, “Castle of Otranto” etc) I confess to not understanding the horror that is “Twilight” at all. I decided that if I was to continue to mock it I had to face the fear and read the series. One afternoon later, it all made sense.

“Twilight” is this generations “Flowers in the Attic”.

1 04 2010
vivisection

McLiterature…..And don’t knock FITA! Pure trash gold! Did you notice every Virgina Andrews novel has an uncle molest a niece and then scrub her down in a bathtub with a wire brush? ( you can change uncle to brother, father, hillbilly, change niece to daughter, sister, hillbilly)). I’m trying to track these down in hardcover – also desperately want the video release cardboard stand with the house with little kids peeking out of attic windows with Nurse Ratchet looming over them. Poor little christopher, christine, carie and corrie. Eat the donuts and stop rooting each other!. AHHHHHH! I love it.

1 04 2010
Jen

Oh yes the arsenic coated donuts! How my mother let me loose on those books the age of 12 is beyond me..wouldn’t let me within a foot of a Sweet Valley High book though.

1 04 2010
vivisection

Good parenting! Clearly incestuous ballerinas forced to live a Josef Fritzl / Anne Frank inspired lifestyle is more appropriate than teen trollops/cheerleaders heavy petting at the prom.

1 04 2010
Andrea

My mum didn’t care as long as I was reading, which was a very bad move on her part. Apart from the Sweet Valley High series, my sister/roommate had Seniors, Caitlin and “Lace”. 9 year olds should NOT read “Lace”.

Femme bogues think the birthing scene in “Twilight” is horrific (dull, actually). Try the reveal in “My Sweet Audrina”…ew.

1 04 2010
Laura

Literally LOLing here!

Ugh, Virginia Andrews. Eww.

1 04 2010
Laura

Well, touche! A sometime-Rice-fan bogue I may be, then, but, ahem…at least I can’t claim to have read Twilight! Baha!

1 04 2010
Laura

Real gothic literature is good, though, I do concur.

1 04 2010
brad

my sis read that series

9 04 2010
Kat

Oh yes, spot on. I was trying to remember who wrote Flowers in the Attic earlier when discussing Anne Rice.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

…and adieu to youse TBL. enjoy the break. (I think we all need it)

..and leave us wallowing in a filthy concentrated swill of vulgarians as every pea brained watermelon ego d mouth breathing dullard fires up it’s massive collection of fuel burners and herds it’s filthy chocolate coated spawn out across the landscape scattering empty giant woodies and other assorted “wrappers” hither and fucking yon. consuming with mad abandon oblivious to the presence of any other life form, unless they intend to kill it with some sort of hook, root it, or it looks ‘foreign’. (“Hey! faarken…”)
…hear them cry… “caaarn ya caaaants”

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Now, I like to think I’m a pretty “well read” sort of cat.
but I just never got the vampire thing. it seems to go exponential pretty quick, if someone is unable to adequately restrain their ‘urges’ or ‘hunger’ or whatever it is vampires get… Aand… everyone’s a vampire! Now, my experience of vampires is pretty much limited to “Blade” and “From Dusk ’til Dawn”.
So I am grateful TBL have elucidated the phenomenon that much more clearly. And I must admit it was pretty much as I expected. I am slightly confused… So vampirism is now passed on by bonking? or was it always? I mean that whole neck biting thing… phwoar! pretty metaphoric… all that penetration and blood.
yeah.

can I make the point also that I believe this stuff is written for adolescents?

but lots of people who seem to be reading it really aren’t.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I did really dig seeing Gary Oldman in high glam say “Wampyr” though.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

If Oldman had been any cheesier, he’d have been…well…made of cheese.

Also entertaining was watching Keanu Reeve “acting”. Never mind wooden stakes – they could have just rammed Keanu through the vamps’ hearts. Or hollowed him out and paddled him up the river.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Oh Tombarina!
that is delicious!

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Yes, I saw “From Dusk ’til Dawn” and thought it was one of the worst movies of all f8cking time! ( sorry Quentin )
I believe it was two things that pushed me over the edge and force me to walk out: a dismembered torso being held and played as a guitar and Cheech Marin growling, “pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. American pussy, Spanish pussy…”.
That is all I really have to say about that.

1 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

Quite agree. Rushed home from the video store with my treasure, stayed up late until en famille went to bed, slipped DVD lovingly between the the jaws of the player and sat back to enjoy another Tarantino classic…

Gobsmackingly awful, so bad it’s one of just three movies I’ve turned off half way through. QT, the man who delivered a member of my top 10 OAT – Pulp Fiction – has also delivered a member of my Bottom 10 OAT. Amazing.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

I think Dusk till Dawn is hilarious! Love it. Pulp Fiction on the other hand…

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Have you seen QT’s Death Proof? Just saw it last week and it was quite… interesting… Quentin creates great female action heroes.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Tried REALLY hard to watch it, but a little too rich for my blood.
But adored the weird and wonderful characters in Kill Bill – particularly Lucy Lui’s psychotic little offsider.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Haven’t seen Death Proof yet. I only just got around to Inglourious Basterds. His best, I should think.

When I saw FDTD I had gone to the cinema with the intent of seeing whatever was on. I knew nothing at all about it. I think that’s why I like it so much. When you are completely oblivious to the theme, it takes you on quite a journey.

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I took my mum to see Inglourious Basterds at Gold Class for her birthday.
We were the only ones laughing!
“F*ck the nazis!!” *glass*
I loved it. I should have seen The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas first (for a little fresh hatred) though.

Yes, I wouldn’t recommend you “rush out and see” Death Proof but it was interesting enough. At the end I laughed and said “wow!” out loud to no one.

Tombarina, the end is the best part!

1 04 2010
brad

Life is Beautiful would be a sure fire movie too watch too fuel tuetonic hatred-ve are just following orders!

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Is Inglourious Basterds the first foreign language film that bogans like?

Not that there is anything bogan about the film – there isn’t.

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

They DON’T like it! The bogans I know “thought it was crap” – apparently the appeal of the gratuitous violence is undone by the subtitles?

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Wow?
Bogues go figure

1 04 2010
Benjamin

I’m a bit surprised by that… Superficially it’s just a bunch of Jewish folk mutilating Nazis – what’s not for a bogue to like?

I wonder what happened?

1 04 2010
JimC

I don’t imagine bogans would like INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS. Too much talking.

In fact, that movie was completely about the very nature of language and communication. Two things a bogan has no grasp on.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And too little glassing.

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Yes, fair points. The pacing would have been a problem, even if it was what made the movie for me.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Yep. Subtitles, dialogue, and no f*cking. Plus the appeal of a misspelt title is lost on them, because they don’t notice.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Not to mention it’s about ‘history’.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And now they refer to their brats as “ADHD affected basterds”.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

they have to read a lot of it.

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I told you! They don’t like subtitles! Plus there are all those pesky sub-plots…

9 04 2010
Kat

God no, it’s that there is too much dialogue and not enough gratuitous violence. Pulp Fiction has lots of dialogue too, but of course it is littered with swear words so you don’t have to understand what they are saying to know that it must be cool.

The dialogue in Inglourious Basterds is a totally different proposition and makes up a huge portion of the film. Many people would have wondered where all the violence was.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Have not seen Death Proof yet. Is that the one that stars an “aussie” stunt woman?

Although I have seen Inglourious Basterds and I do agree with you. It is a wonderful film.
I thought it should have come home with the Oscar this year.

With FDTD, I will admit that the first 30mins were very entertaining for me but I walked out on the spatter fest.
In hindsight it makes more sense to me . Now I see how he genre-ises.
So I guess spatter is just a crap genre anyway.
Pulp Fiction is Gold!

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Oh no! She is clearly Kiwi. And I was relieved when they clarified that in the film!

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Is it Zena Warrior Princess?

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

…speaking of reading films.
and tarantino (obliquely)
does anyone remember Killing Zoe?
I so dug on that film.
just. everything. it has everything.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

I do. It was fab. I’d like to see it again, but I fear it may also be one of those films that has aged badly. Julie Delpy is a sexy bitch, though.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I loved Killing Zoe!

It did however remind me very much of Dog Day Afternoon.

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

Yes Edna, she (Zoe Bell) was the stunt woman for Xena. XXXXena!

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Then I have to Xee it!

1 04 2010
Shirley M

I think it was the mention of ‘Dog Day Afternoon’ that brought this to mind.

Just watch it, ok?

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Love the name from the start, Jaydon.
The big bowl of popcorn is a classic too.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

There is some exceptional acting.

Educators and parents… dubious at best.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Pulp Fiction WAS gold. In my humble and disposable opinion, it’s aged terribly.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

!!!
you are entitled to that Sir!

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I still pull out those twisty dance moves whenever I’m feeling fruity

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Miaow, if you turned if off halfway through, then you missed the completely OTT vampire schlock of the second half – ludicrous, frenetic and tres amusing, with one of my fave lines of dialogue:

“Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do NOT explode when sunlight hits them – I don’t give a f*%k how crazy they are.”

1 04 2010
Jo

Yeah I’m on the Yay for DTD team, Mostly due to the abrupt change of storyline half-way through, and at least those vampires stayed true to the folk-lore (wooden stakes, exploding/burning in sunlight etc)

1 04 2010
Benjamin

True. I sat and watched this with friends once, and I had no idea what it was about, or hell, even who directed it.

The bewilderment of the second half and the transition to it left an impression. My memory is hazy but I do vaguely remember being amused. Maybe I should rent it again…

9 04 2010
Kat

Yep. I loved the first half of the movie, and then it turned into the ridiculous. I did laugh – it was very stupid and it was meant to be.

1 04 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Wow you waited until DVD arrived to see it?

FDTD begins as a great road movie and then descends into a head-scratching comic book.

4 04 2010
Tim

FDTD is more the output of Robert Rodriguez, see also their Grindhouse collaboration and Deperado. QT was just having some fun here, it’s not one to be put in the same box as Pulp Fiction or Jackie Brown. Very entertaining though, if you know what to expect!

1 04 2010
Brimstone

“it seems to go exponential pretty quick, if someone is unable to adequately restrain their ‘urges’ or ‘hunger’ or whatever it is vampires get”

in lots of vampire stories (Buffy for example) the victim has to drink the vampire’s blood to get turned into a vampire

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

oh

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

so you need a tumbler or a mug or something?

1 04 2010
Bogan Town Escapee

Well done TBL. I anticipate the first post after Easter to be an insight as to why all the Bogans run out and buy Easter eggs half price after they have already eaten 2kg of chocolate during the break.

1 04 2010
vivisection

and why they eat two kilos of easter eggs when they have pre-diabetes ( or “The Sugar”.

1 04 2010
Jo

heeeyyyy I buy easter eggs after easter at half price!, coz I’m poor and too old and alone to have anyone buy them for me, surely being poor, old and alone isn’t bogan?…its just pathetic

1 04 2010
Brimstone

Jesus died, rose from the dead, and had people drink his blood… hmmmm

okay, Anne Rice called the ‘Jesus is a vampire’ thing

1 04 2010
Jo

I prefer to refer to jesus as “zombie jesus” get your ghouls right!!

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Jesus is way cool.

1 04 2010
brad

and he built a hotrod ha ha

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

You can get them half price? I thought they all sold out between boxing Day and Easter – the shelves I go to for last minute panic buys are usually pretty heavily pillaged.
I suppose, Jo, it’s your non-bogan tastes that mean the chocolate you like still remain 😉

1 04 2010
Robbie

once again, I LOL’d in the office after reading today’s offering and was sneered at by all bogans within earshot.
Have a great long weekend TBL and everyone else.
I hope to avoid a glassing this weekend…not that I’m a cunt or anything 😛

1 04 2010
Glass 'em all

“Like Richard Wilkins, the modern vampire is an empty shell..” I laughed until my back went.

And yes, chubby, “From Dusk ’til Dawn” and “Near Dark” are the only vampires I need these days.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Aaw what about Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That was awsoome. 😀

1 04 2010
Glass 'em all

True, Edna, but I don’t know if I could spend four years watching it again. “The Visitors” (?) episode still gives me the creeps.

1 04 2010
StuManChu

Visitors.. Is that the silent episode? I think that ‘Once more with Feeling’ is by far the best…

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Geek Test!
too subtle on the Irony Edna.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Yeah, looks like it

1 04 2010
caracal1788

Daybreakers? Doesn’t get much better than Australian vampires!

1 04 2010
Ryu

Same. I used to watch him hosting MTV as kid and even then I knew there was something wrong.

I also heard a story about him from someone well “connected”, involving a coffee table and a particular sex act.

But I think that is totally slanderous and do not believe it for a second.

1 04 2010
JimC

That was Don Lane with the coffee table… unpleasantness.

Dunno about Dickie Wilkins, though.

1 04 2010
brad

Jennifer Kyte ho hum

1 04 2010
T-ra

I think the vampire obsession is a manifestation of the female bogan’s ‘bad boy’ obsession and the need to gravitate towards men who will treat them like s@#t. Sure he is a souless, blood sucking killer …’but he really is a good guy (despite all evidence to the contrary) and if he is nice to me (and horrible to everyone else) it will prove I am someone special’ …blah blah blah. I wish this horrible vampire craze was restricted just to bogans…alas I know of many well educated, professional women who are into this nonsense as well. I was forced to sit through ‘New Moon’ on a plane. It was honestly one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Happy Easter TBL and to all you regular comment contributors…I know I don’t comment much, but I read every day and it always makes me smile (and yes occassionally laugh out loud!)

1 04 2010
Tubesteak

I admit, with exception of that god awful prancing nancy boy drivel Twilight crap, I have always liked the vampire stuff.

I have watched The Vampire Diaries mainly for that fine piece of brunette jailbait even though the story is cringeworthy.

Now I know that TBL will be doing Top Gear soon so put that on my list too

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

“brunette Jailbait”? Je vous demande Sir!

1 04 2010
pominoz

You cannot beat the old Hammer horror Dracula movies. Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee hamming it up, a young maiden in a revealing top. great stuff when I was a kid.

1 04 2010
vivisection

Bogue Go to Channel 99 have been playing this late at night – satanic rituals of Dracula etc – brilliant seeing dirty hippies and lazy beatniks being taken out.

1 04 2010
Jo

dirty hippies and beatniks getting taken out?? could this be my undiscovered heaven….

1 04 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Hammer vampire is awesome. Dark, dirty and about as subtle as a glass to the face.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

…and those flintstones cartooons fucking Kick ASS!!!

1 04 2010
brad

Salams Lot,that made me piss me jarmies when i was a bairn

1 04 2010
JimC

Ahhh, yes! When the little boy is scratching at the window…

Yipes!

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

“While the dangers of regular, bogan, romance may be limited to domestic violence and STDs, Vampire romance is linked to transmogrification, shimmering, and abstinence”. That is the purest shimmering Gold TBL.
Greatly enlightened by that, thank you.
*clink*

1 04 2010
Jo

at the risk of getting a wedgie for being a comic book nerd
30 DAYS OF NIGHT!!! is great
the movie adaptation was…errr ok, I like how the vampires speak another language and looked truly chilling (and the head vampire looked like some washed up new-romantic star from the 80s…but still manages to be scary its great!)

1 04 2010
Benjamin

*Applause*

Enjoy your break chaps.

Erm. I know nothing about Vampires, except that this shlock is now everywhere. Therefore as it has mass bogan appeal it will quickly run its course. The bogues short attention span will soon begin to falter, and the geniuses ravaging the bogue populace for all the sweet bogan cash will begin to see diminishing returns. On to the next thing…

Werewolves perhaps?

2 04 2010
Andrea

Sadly, according to the publishing industry, angels are the next big thing. I can’t wait to see how the average tweenie author gets around the whole “God created angels” issue. I also doubt flaming swords will get a mention.

I just hope this means “Hex” will get another run-through on tv.

3 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Angels are soooo 1990s.
Didn’t they have a go at this?
I seem to remember John Tavolta with a big set o’ feathers…
anyway. It didn’t bite.
I don’t think angels are X-treme enough. Pretty wet really. There were those series in the 80’s. Michael Landon or someone…
Blind Kiddies, Struggling ‘moms’ and stuff.
And as soon as yr angels start getting Xtreme you’re in Lucifer territory…
and, y’know…
He gets his ass kicked in the popular myth.
Though I guess bogues like ass kicking…
hmmm.

3 04 2010
Andrea

I assume they mean more of a “Constantine” effect. Or perhaps they’ve all been watching the trailer for “Legion” over and over and over again…

Thanks, btw. I now have the theme music to “Highway to Heaven” stuck in my head!

9 04 2010
Kat

Read Clive Barker’s Weaveworld for extreme Angel. I honestly haven’t recovered from that vision yet. Fascinated by Angels ever since. Which led me to Neon Genesis Evangelion. But yeah, the way the angels are likely to go is probably going to be lame. Of course, vampires are dark angels so there is still the vampy link.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

*shiver*

The thought of bogan romance: getting all fizzed up on Twilight. Home for a restraintless tender moment…
Followed up by a ‘Hot Karl’ to MMS to your mates.

1 04 2010
loftie

Awesome…

The past few entries of TBL have not related to me in the slightest…

Entertaining, all the same… infact moreso because I’m learning more about the bogue-psyche…

This of course is giving me the false sense of security to go out and have a great ‘long weekend’ thinking that I am not infact a bogan…

Looking forward to the tuesday entry of ‘4-day hangover’ as something that bogans like… after all the chocolate and shit… the enourmous amounts of booze consumed… and the petrol station gouging…

1 04 2010
common man

loftie if your on this blog your a bogan full stop

1 04 2010
infact moreso

have at you Varlet!

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

gold

1 04 2010
StuManChu

“Like Richard Wilkins, the modern vampire is an empty shell, a vessel into which the female bogan can pour her frustrated sense of romance and danger. Despite the fact that the vampire most likely wants to kill and disfigure her”
I think that you fail to recognise that Richard Wilkins, given the opportunity, would like to do such things to any femme bogues that were not privy to his lecherous ways.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

does anyone remember richard wilkins’ attempt at a pop career as Richard Wilde?.
extra lame.
way worse than old those old marc holden ones
80’s
bad.

Cascade.

1 04 2010
Jo

I borrowed the Twilight books from a friend to read (I was unemployed for a very long time in 2009)
The worst part would have to have been the lack of sex…because it reads like a trashy romance novel, except at least romance novels have sex in them!
I got so sexually frustrated from reading twilight that I had to go out and get laid.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Good thing teenage girls are reading it then (for teenage boys, that is).

1 04 2010
Jo

I do err on the side of the teenage boys often…as I’ve always said inside this 20 something female’s body beats the awkward, horny heart of a 14 year old boy.

1 04 2010
Tone

There are only three worthy vampires in the history of film and television: Dracula as portrayed by Bela Lugosi, Count Duckula and Count Von Count. All the rest are wannabes.

1 04 2010
Benjamin

What about Count von Duckula?

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Oh there it is. I am an idiot. Ignore me please.

1 04 2010
vivisection

What about Catherine Deneuve in the Hunger?, she’s nearly as good as Count Duckula.

1 04 2010
brad

what about the two coreys in the lost boys

1 04 2010
Olly

Agree. Count Duckula is inspired.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Count Count – Gold.
One Stupid Bogan! Ha Ha Ha!
TWO Stupid Bogans Ha Ha Ha Ha!
THREE STU…

and so on.

1 04 2010
Air Supply

But True Blood is a good show 😦

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Well, it has good parts – like how Bill says “Sookie”. Hmm, that’s about it really.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Even sexier than “plinth”.

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Nope.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Ew, Bill just doesn’t do it for me at ALL! I’m more of a Jason girl myself. ❤

1 04 2010
JimC

Now there I have no reservations in saying that Ryan Kwanten is absolutely brilliant on this show.

He pretty much held the second series together.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Definitely! And easy on the eye. 😉

Nobody plays “dumb but hot boy” better than “our Ryan” (to quote Ray Martin before he’s even said it).

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
Try saying “plinth please” three times quickly,then you will understand what a private girls school can do!

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Who says I’m not a private school girl?

Ooohhh – just followed your advice while looking in the mirror. It IS a bit nor-tee.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

gotcha

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I put on red lipstick and did it. Yeah, I can see why I get so much attention.

1 04 2010
Juansito

Don’t make this about you again.

I will be following you from no and making sure you don’t drift away from the topic at hand.

I repeat do not make the comments section about you and don’t encourage your 4 fans to make it about you.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You are the one making it about me. You SO love me… Are you just shy?

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Please don’t, however right you may be. I’ve been enjoying the banter so far this morning.

Just ignore her and be happy.

1 04 2010
Jo

please someone explain to me in a condescending/patronizing way what this school girl plinth please business is? I’m at work so I can’t find out for myself

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Go and say it to yourself in a mirror. Slowly…

1 04 2010
Benjamin

I don’t know about the private school bit.

But as for plinth itself, It comes from a book by Robert Rankin (which probably nobody here but me has read – he is a, er, “unique” author).

In it he says that the word “plinth” is the sexiest word there is. To demonstrate, you are meant to ask a woman to say it and watch their lips.

It’s true, at least for guys.

Oops – you wanted patronising… Fiona – can you help?

1 04 2010
Jo

well I tried it and I still don’t get it…what are we all prudes here? EXPLAIN!

1 04 2010
Benjamin

I’m not sure it is representative of anything per se; it is just sexy.

If you don’t think so then that’s cool too,

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Hey I did the plinth thing in the rearview mirror of my automobile today. I declare it sexy. Not as sexy as ‘shall I suck your cock?’, but sexy nonetheless.

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Keep up the good work Juansito.

FOF!

1 04 2010
James Hunter

wharn see tow,
get a life or a wife

1 04 2010
Muz

@ James Hunter.

If anyone should get a life it’s you. Anyone who has time to post up hundreds of inane comments is the one who should be getting a life.

1 04 2010
Muz

Quick search on yesterdays comments via Chrome.

James Hunter 40 comments
Fiona 168

Who needs to get a life now boy?

1 04 2010
JimC

That kind of breathy “Sookeh…”

I think the best thing that happened to Bill in the show was the introduction of Jessica, his bratty vampire ward.

I most look forward to see what they do with her in the next season. And if they get her naked or not.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. That’s it! 🙂 “Sookeh… *arches eyebrow*… you are mine…”

Jessica was a welcome addition, most definitely. I don’t quite share your view apropos her uncladding in season 3, but I can see why you might…

The most disappointing scene? The rather tame entanglement of Jason with the Rev’s wife in the bath. 😦

1 04 2010
Tombarina

I’m with JimC.

It doesn’t get any less bogue than ‘Let The Right One In’ – bleak, beautiful, measured and (oh, the humanity) subtitled. The bogue likes its entertainment shouty, shiny, immediate and unsubtle, like Twenty20 cricket. Or Eddie McGuire.

And although one of the children in LTROI was a bloodthirsty, murderous, needy manipulator, she was still better-mannered and vastly more likeable than the average Jaxxzsyn.

1 04 2010
uberalles

“the vampire is merely misunderstood”

Please correct as miz-unda-stood. Actually looking at that word has made me think how frustrated the bogan must be with the “stood” part of the word.

Off to my local glassing barn. I’ll be the one gyrating against the porcelain at about closing time.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Vale Uberalles!

1 04 2010
Shirley M

“Having the requisite level of danger (possibly homicidal) coupled with being relatively safe (he is a fictional character), the femme-bogue can sit back in bed at night and dream of Edward Cullen not-quite ravishing her.”

Hahahahahahahahaha!

There’s a Facebook group out there (which I haven’t joined) that sums up my thoughts on this precisely: ‘In my day Vampires sucked blood, not cock’.

I had no idea what the premise of the Twilight franchise was, so thanks for filling me in. Enjoy your days off boys, you deserve them.

1 04 2010
vivisection

The only facebook group I have joined ( to my shame) is “Team Edward, Team Jacob, How about Team Shut The Fuck Up” – I couldn’t help myself.

1 04 2010
Benjamin

‘In my day Vampires sucked blood, not cock’

Outstanding.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

How unfortunate,for you.

1 04 2010
Benjamin

???

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

well now that’s just coarse.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

I just googled “stupid vampire names”.

First result was an iphone application you can buy to discover your “real” vampire name is Miranda Von Hottietottie or similar. Hmm…money well spent.

Second result is worse – that’s a Twilight fan page with a vamp name generator, Facebook and Twitter links, discussion groups for lobotomised morons and, despite appearing to have NOTHING WHATSOF*$KING EVER TO DO WITH VAMPIRES, an entire section on Avatar. It’s an e-bogue e-paradise.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
did you by any chance see the medical show, it was either last night or comming up tonight, wher the process of an orbital pre frontal lobotomy is shown. aparantely almost anyone could do one and it only takes about ten minutes.
Just think of the fun we could have. A tent at the local show? a side bench at a Goth party? Outside the local preschool ? endless opertunities
“Lobotomies R Us “

1 04 2010
Tombarina

James, you’re right – there’s loads of opportunity there to lobotomise bogans.

You could lure them in with pole-dancing, the chance to win tickets to see P!nk and a vampire-name-generator, then it’s an icepick popped up the orbital socket, a quick tap-tap and a wriggle-wriggle, and job’s done.

It won’t make them any brighter, but it may quell their appetite for crappy alleged current affairs shows, “good” rooms and naming their dreadful offspring after US cities (Memphis, Boston, Phoenix, etc)

1 04 2010
brad

Fred and Rosemary………….

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Euw. That’s not a very Easter-y thought!
Have a goodie.

1 04 2010
brad

you too eggsellent

1 04 2010
vivisection

You could offer a “Free Icepick with every glass of Chartreusse”. Lure in the truly stupid

1 04 2010
Jo

that’s kind of strange because your name doesn’t change when you become a vampire.
I love the hobbit name generator, google it, its great! (I hope its still online)

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Ha! Found it, tried it, tittered at it.
Elf name: Unindra Valiant
Hairyfooted dwarf name: Jwniver Puddifoot of Tuckborough
And, as my own human name apparently sucks: Crolian the Young

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

That’s where I got my name from!
OMG!

1 04 2010
AlyssaKT

I got mine from my mum’s choice of 1001 Unusual Names. Damn Alyssa Milano for making my name part of popular culture.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

My Brother Heath was named after a character played by Lee Majors in “High Chapparal”

so

it passes.

😀

1 04 2010
brad

Rex Glendale-Xtreme porno name

1 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

Hmm. My teenage daughter loved this series from about 13 or so on. She’s dropped it now after the, apparently, awful second movie. So I always thought it was just a young teen kind of thing.

Clearly some mental capacity issues here for readers beyond 15 or so… Is that the definition of la Bogue then? The reading age of a 13 year old, the decision-making capacity of a kid, the narcissism of a teenage girl and the insecurities (projected as violence) of teenagers? So they just simply don’t grow up? But have the earning capacity, strength and voting ability (shudder) of adults??

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Hmmm, you may have hit upon something quite profound there…

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Yep. A librarian I know tells me that Twilight and similar are classified in libraries as “Young Adult” (code for teens).

1 04 2010
Tombarina

You actually know a librarian?

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Yes, I may have mentioned it.

1 04 2010
Jo

I know a librarian, I have a huuuge crush on him, soon he will be mine….

9 04 2010
Kat

That sounds about right.

1 04 2010
FT

Finally! I have been awaiting this entry for some time now. Although, I thought it would be limited to the Twilight series itself. I have refused to read the books, but I did inadvertently see the first Twilight movie. The thing that pissed me off the most was thinking that adolescent girls who are reading this series see Bella as a role model and Edward Cullen as the perfect guy. a) she’s a whiny brat that puts unobtainable lust before her own safety and that of everyone else she knows; b) he is 584 yrs older than her; c) he is not a nice guy – he’s just as whiny and annoying as the girl! And don’t even get me started on adult femme-bogues who love him – I’ve seen groups on Facebook, which 30yr old women have joined, with names like “I don’t care how good you are, you’ll never be Edward Cullen” and “Don’t take it personally, I’m just waiting for my Edward Cullen”. FFS, it’s fictional!

1 04 2010
Mezz

Nice guys, I was waiting for these so called goths to get a serve. Have a nice Easter everyone.

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

They’re not ‘goths’ they’re ‘vamps’! There was a brilliant South Park episode on this very subject. It was hilarious. The goths were pissed off because they everyone thought they were vampires.

FOF!

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Here it is.

Great stuff!

FOF!

1 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

It didn’t embed. Here the hyperlink instead.

To their credit the episode is hosted on a twilight fan site.

http://www.twifans.com/video/twilight-southpark-episode

Hilarious.

FOF!

1 04 2010
James

I would say not goths or vamps. Technically, for a person to find a vampire character attractive, wouldn’t they have to be necrophiliacs?

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

mezz.
ohh my nonexistant god!

I thought Muz was you!

so sorry.

@Muz. you never used to post good stuff.

It was Mezz.
who the hell are you?

1 04 2010
James Hunter

I suspect that everyone is missing a very important point. I believe that the amount of illicit and prescription drugs and alcohol circulating in the bogan blood that they would be safe from Vampires. Immagine cunt duckula sucking some femme dry and trying to take off? Would give new meaning to Femme Fatale. Even if aformentioned vampire were to become airborn then CASA would have him grounded for checking by Qantas “engineers”
Then he would be fucked for sure

1 04 2010
brad

you’d safe too from bloodsuckers i reckens

1 04 2010
Brimstone

Leave Angel alone. That was a great show, and when Angel was Angelus he was actually scary….

1 04 2010
Benjamin

My missus is (was?) a fan, so I’ve seen a few of these.

I remember seeing the Cordelia character being “raised to the next level of consciousness” like some saint(!!!). What the hell?

To be fair, even my Wife stopped watching Angel at that point.

Also, the bits where Angel and Buffy fawned over each other (but no touchy – ahh – I see where Twilight gets it’s inspiration) were, well, pretty bad.

6 04 2010
Brimstone

to be fair the one time Buffy and Angel had sex Angel turned evil… pretty good reason not to do it

1 04 2010
Jo

they’re is nothing scary about a ken doll dressed up as a vampire aka David Boreanassaa… (whatever) as Angel

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Is that you simon?

hiding from your little vampire fetish,
hmmmm?

Be Out With It Man!

3 04 2010
Simon

No Chub,

Had Thursday off and I just don’t get into the vampire thing. I had to catch up from all the time I wasted Wednesday!

1 04 2010
Rob

Agreed with all posts up until this one… Bogan’s only embrace your Twilight style of vampire, vampires that actually live and behave like vampires with a sense of impending danger don’t appeal to the bogan. You can’t lump all vampire lore into the one post here. I’m no fan of Twilight, or any of the latest vampire incarnations (except Daybreakers and the brilliant Let the Right One In -which Hollywood are going to redestroy(make)), but calling Angel and True Blood bogan shows is a bit of a stretch, True Blood is too dark, uses analogies for commenting on racism and makes references to minority group issues which isn’t something I would think would appeal to the modern bogan, and Angel’s witty, snappy, and self-referencing writing would probably go over the head of the average bogan. If you want to reference vampire tv shows or films that are bogan, might be best to mention a show like The Vampire Diaries, or in film Van Helshit(sing).
Totally agreed with Richard Wilkins though, he may even be a Twilight vampire, suddenly all the female bogans will be shouting: TEAM RICHARD! and he does sparkle like a gay vamp on the red carpet…

2 04 2010
Maxxx Fuctor

all this guff on “analogies” and “minority groups” is overlooking a particular “minority” who fought long and hard to be regarded as more than eye candy and f*cktoys.
not that I would ever watch this juvenile dross you are all so apparently enamoured of, but I am gathering by your posts that much of the fascination with this ‘show’ is prurient.
Twilight for adults indeed.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

So, hang on. Are Twilight and True Blood two different things?

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Yes. They are both ghastly pieces of bogan literature. Whereas “Twilight” went on to become an even ghastlier movie series, “True Blood” went on to become a HBO series of good(ish) quality.

1 04 2010
Shirley M

I see. I thought True Blood was an instalment in the Twilight series. I assume the premises of both are similar?

1 04 2010
JimC

If TWILIGHT was even half as funny and outrageously camp as TRUE BLOOD it would be worth all the hype.

Alas it is not, so it isn’t.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I understand your confusion, given the temporal proximity of their rise to fame.

Twilight is aimed squarely at the teen market – young girl moves to new town, meets sparkly vampire, etc, etc, etc. Classic “bad but non-threatening boys” fare for the pubescent female market.

True Blood is aimed, however, at their mothers – the Japanese have perfected a synthetic blood product (“True Blood”) which allows vampires to live without the need to feed on humans. So begins the process of (most) vampires “coming out of the coffins” and “mainstreaming” – i.e., trying to live amicably alongside humans in society (strong parallels are drawn with the civil rights movement). That’s the background. The action is mainly set in a small town (Bon Temps) in Northern Louisiana where a spunky mind-reading waitress (Sookie Stackhouse) meets a vampire from the Civil War (Bill Compton)…

1 04 2010
Shirley M

Cheers. Now I am happy in the knowledge that I never have to read any of them. Admittedly, True Blood sounds more appealing than the other, but not appealing enough, I’m afraid.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I certainly do not recommend reading either. The imprimatur of HBO is what made me think “True Blood” might have something going for it – and it does: Ryan Kwanten. Yes, he of “Home and Away” er, “fame”… ❤

1 04 2010
James

Its not bad, I guess, but certainly no Deadwood.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. OMG, I find myself agreeing with you on something.

“True Blood” is the worst piece in the HBO oeuvre – “The Wire” being their best.

Who knows what “Treme” will bring… We shall soon find out of course.

1 04 2010
James

Its not the sort of subject matter I would usually find interesting, but if David Simon is involved, I’m there. Have you seen Generation Kill yet?

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Of course. I even went on a holiday / safari to Namibia to see the location for myself.

“Treme” holds special interest for me as I have a home in NO (not in Treme of course, but in the Garden District). And yes, I have met Anne Rice.

1 04 2010
JimC

DEADWOOD was maybe 1.4 seasons of genius.

It very quickly disappeared up its own ass after that.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Season 2 was very heavy on the Elizabethan English aspect, but thanks to my higher degree in the Classics, I was more able to enjoy and appreciate it.

3 04 2010
Simon

James, Deadwood #1 ok.

1 04 2010
Jo

what happens to the vampires in true blood when they’re exposed to sunlight?

1 04 2010
vivisection

They burn

1 04 2010
Jo

…good I might download this and check it out (no I don’t have digital tv, it was brought upon us by the devil!)

1 04 2010
James

It doesn’t play on digital – season one is out on DVD but you will have to download season two.

1 04 2010
common man

FOF you are quite the emo are you not?

1 04 2010
Jo

now that’s a future post, “calling everything and everyone emo but not actually knowing anything about alternative sub-cultures and how they differ”…I’m sure TBL can think up a snazzy title

5 04 2010
common man

jo there is a differnce from calling something emo an calling sci-fi a sub culture i mean really no one elugated that fact yet is astonishing

5 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. “Elugated”? Has cheap, compound chocolate addled your brain even more than usual common man?

5 04 2010
Tombarina

Fiona, don’t be mean.
You’ll only bipsunise him further. And then we’ll ALL be in a winbsuterp – and we don’t want THAT.

5 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. His unsufication is just too much for me sometimes.

5 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
Maybe the word he uses does not matter since there does not seem to be any cognition on the other side of the portal.
Maybe Fi has a point the CoCo mass has set in places ment to carry blood and oxygen?
\However what I do believe would make sense is to turn CM over to Edna.,,,Pause for a drum roll and a sounding of trumpets, I am sure that no matter how much CoCo mass was clogging up the works SHE would be able to get real music from the tortured instrument??

5 04 2010
brad

common man votre anglais est pluspitoyable que votre personnage,j’ai crach’e sur vous

5 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I think the correct word here is “elegationed”.
as in
“He elegationed the fact suspiously, and with great Freur.”

5 04 2010
brad

oui,je suis d’accord

5 04 2010
James Hunter

Brad,voce e um wanker completo e do absolute. Seu attempte para usar o frances da estudante para imprimir a queda short distante da marca e faz-lhe de facto o olhar como um infante do sniveling.!

5 04 2010
James Hunter

? oui je conviens?

5 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

est ce que vous monseiur le chasseur.
monseiur james chasseur?
Je pense que c’est ca!

5 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

surely you mean.

Oui. Ca Va.

ou

ca va bein?

non?

6 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

ok.
so….
cya

1 04 2010
reparty

I got some photos of me trying to burn down a Hot Topic in Los Angeles….actually just holding up a cigarette lighter to the storefront. I also noticed lots of Twilight stuff being promoted in stores that use plus sized models. Just an observation.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina, you be good at this, would you mind ; please explain to Benjamin my comment 10.00.19 he may understand a private school girl ! I dare not as Fi as she may well start to shudder and it is far too early in the day for that.

1 04 2010
Benjamin

“I dare not as Fi as…”

Oh – so you are Fiona are you?

Your comment was a bit vague with many possible interpretations, so an explanation would be nice.

One such potential interpretation is that you are a vampire, suck cock, think yourself good at it, *and* would like to suck mine.

Um, no thanks.

That wouldn’t be it would it?

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Tongue firmly in cheek here BTW.

Don’t say it.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Alas, James – without resorting to nor-tee talk, I’m unable to provide a full and vivid explanation.

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Please, we’re all adults here. Or we pretend to be.

2 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I don’t.

1 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

Have a beautiful Easter people! I’m heading to the Gold Coast for the week with the kids and will be bogue-spotting all week long with my new-found insights.

Won’t be hard, mind you, GC has always been a bit Penrith-on-Sea.

Thanks lads for the heads up.

1 04 2010
Muz
1 04 2010
JimC

really, when it comes down to it TWILIGHT is merely ‘MIlls and Boon’ for young girls. I nearly choked when I heard the lead character’s name was ‘Bella Swan’.

Are you fucking kidding me? They couldn’t have come up with a more flouncy, swooning heroine name if they’d just called her Lady Fortesque-Smythe Von Velvetsnatch.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Fiona, Could you help here with a richly appropriate name? Maybe some one you went to Scegs with? Or was it (S)megs( just sounds nasty though?)

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. For Bella in Twilight? Hmm, how about Whiny Sparklehymen?

1 04 2010
James Hunter

God , imagine Farnarkling with that ?

2 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

SCEGGS

1 04 2010
Tony

I wonder how Joss Whedon sleeps at night (probably on a pile of bogan-donated cash no doubt).

1 04 2010
Jo

don’t forget “with several supermodels” as well

1 04 2010
Andrew

I still want the 2 hours of my life I spent watching “put you to sleep” light back…

As far as I was concerned there was an hour and a half of beginning, 10 minutes of actual movie (if you could call it that) and 20 minutes of ending…

1 04 2010
vivisection

I went to the cinema, sat quietly for twenty minutes, turned to my partner and said” I couldn’t give a fuck about what happens to these people”. He said “Neither could I”. As if one, we stood up, walked out and got on with our lives. The only film I have ever walked out of.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

I saw half of Twilight on Saturday while at the dentist’s.

Not even drilling, grinding, needles, lockjaw and the prospect of a large out-of-pocket expense could distract from the fact that Twilight was nuclear-grade shite.

I ended up watching the alternative – some mindless, primary-coloured kids’ cartoon involving a lost dog, a picnic and a cat-shaped kite. Compared to what had gone before, this was high art, with a confronting narrative peopled by enchanting and richly developed characters.

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Thankyou tombarina. well here speaks a voice of wisdom You People!!!

I mean

WTF?

this is Vampires!!!
and you’re all flouncing about like a bunch of private school girls at a bloody sleepover!

Did no-one read the blog?
???
I myself am a science fiction fan sirs. I was raised on Aldiss’ Helliconia and frank herbert and Stephen Bloody Donaldson, but you don’t see me in here barking about how the fucking production values on dune were so far ahead of it’s time even though it was no where near as good as the bloody books Oh and did you know it’s by David bloody Lynch, or whether or not the Bene Fucking G’ess’eret were fucking hot now DO I?
now.
Vampires are not real.
Can not be real.
This is a pre-enlightenment bodice tearing scullery maid dross.
in the 21st century that is Nuclear Grade Shite.

Pull Yourselves Together!

1 04 2010
Shirley M

It’s an outrage that David Lynch had to hand over his directing credits to Alan Smithee, but a wise career move nonetheless.

1 04 2010
brad

PF Hamilton type space opera is cool as it makes you feel clever as you decyphr the psuedo-science,however i have always been more of a fan of the apocalyptic genre of sci-fi such as John Wyndams Triffids,George Stewart,ect-i think this is the male version of the “vamp thing” as you can envision yourself in these xtreme situations and make yourself believe that you’d pull through like the subjects in the story.The Road is a great novel by Cormac McCarthy that has been turned into a screenplay and the movie does it justice.

2 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

crazy for Ian M Banks right now.
the culture novels.
high space opera.
awesome.

2 04 2010
brad

will check reading is a lux i dont have right now though cheers

3 04 2010
Simon

Chub, have you read JG Ballard, great imaginative fiction.

3 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

you know what?
I never have…
classic stuff though eh?

3 04 2010
Simon

Yep, there is a collection of all his short stories which is brilliant, probably only get it from amazon or whatever but worth it.

1 04 2010
Rob

Twilight and True Blood are not to be uttered in the same sentence. The quality of writing and characterization are from one extreme to the next. You can’t refer to this show as being bogan simply because it features vampires…
Fi from Toorak, you’re right about the parallels between the civil rights movement and the issues raised in True Blood, its setting in Southern America also lends to further references to the race issue and black vs white in the early part of the 20th century, and the reluctance of the humans to accept vampire rights is quite a strong analogy to when black Americans first started gaining the same rights as whites. It’s an interesting show, and why not throw in some sex for fun? Originally, vampire’s biting/sucking blood, was like sex to them, they get off on that shit, so sex and lust has always been a strong part of vampire mythology (male vampires ‘seduce’ their pray with the promise of sexual enjoyment…).

The bogan does not understand metaphor. The bogan sees only nice guy vampires doing a lot of shagging. And it sighs wistfully. TBL

1 04 2010
vivisection

dont forget the parallels to the current fight for gay rights – written and produced by a gay man – “coming out of closets”, fighting for legal rights, telling their families, right wing fundamentalist churches opposing them.

2 04 2010
Maxxx Fuctor

again…
all this guff on “analogies” and “minority groups” is overlooking a particular “minority” who fought long and hard to be regarded as more than eye candy and f*cktoys.
not that I would ever watch this juvenile dross you are all so apparently enamoured of, but I am gathering by your posts that much of the fascination with this ’show’ is prurient.
Twilight for adults indeed.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

God knows why but;
Fiona,Simon,AlyssaK and Tombarina in particular and any one else for that matter, Great times
If any of you ever wish to say Hi’My email address is on my web siteat
http://www.circusbizarre.com.au

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You can follow me on Twitter. I’m unlikely to follow you back though.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Tis a pitty though that the site is being close ?

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Check your calendar, JH!

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina, You are a darling, despite whatever you partner and participles say.
Havent been sucked in like that since…….. well you dont need to know !

1 04 2010
common man

FOF still tweeting to hard aahh the irony complaining a egyptian reported yourself then laying claims to own persian cat,s boy uve dropped

5 04 2010
Muz

FOF!

Great stuff.

FOF!

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Jo made an excellent point earlier re the uberbogue online “vampire name generators” – ie, one’s vampire name being the same as their previous human name.

If vampires were real, and sticking to the name logic, then shouldn’t there currently be vamps called Sharon, Brett and Darryl?

And, in the future, oodles of vamps called Britt’neeah, Maddyssyn and Kaaaaaaseey? At least those vile wanky bogue names sound slightly less ridiculous when applied to the fictitious undead.

1 04 2010
JimC

God help me, I really hope they get around to shooting the fourth TWILIGHT film, BREAKING DAWN.

Why do I say that? Well, read this: http://tinyurl.com/y9x2cv5

It’s curious that with the extraordinary rate they’re churning these movies out that suddenly there’s NOTHING to be mentioned about BREAKING DAWN. Not a single new cast member, screenwriter or director has been signed.

I reckon there was about 25 simultaneous ulcers grown at Summit Entertainment when they actually found out what this book was. How the fuck are they gonna market this madness to teenage girls?

My guess is they’ll ignore it, create a new tween-friendly storyline and slap the BREAKING DAWN name on it in a last-ditch effort to squeeze some money from the trend before it passes.

1 04 2010
Nelson Esq

Another great post TBL! Had me laughing all the way through. You’re definitely right, it started with Buffy the bloody Vampire Slayer back in the 90’s…and the bogues have kept lapping up the same sh*t ever since.

A sad but true story: A few years back, an old school bogan in her mid-40’s at my work used to have her whole desk cubicle covered in Buffy / Angel pictures she had cut out of TV Week… it made me cringe…*shudder*.

1 04 2010
Steve

This entry should be changed to “Twilight”.

1 04 2010
vivisection

or how Twilight has nearly ruined a good genre. Nobody has mentioned Lost Boys yet – upon Corey’s sudden demise, sales increased dramatically the next day. And it has the ultimate 80’s Mom, Diane Weiss. Was she the original thinking mans MILF? (Being a homo, i cant answer that)

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Being a woman, neither can I – but I find it hard to fathom Dianne Weist ever being a sex symbol…

1 04 2010
vivisection

I’d like to think for her sake some “thinking man” found her aprons and cookies style sexy. Remember her Avon face cream application demonstration in Edward Scissorhands. Someone might have thought that was hot.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. *shudder* James Hunter and / or common man might be able to er, “enlighten” us on this…

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Well Fi,
Having recovered from the amazement of being sucked in on an April fools joke and having returned home, I come to this fine state of affairs. You asking me for advice ! However gratified I am though is offset at the mortification of being included in the same sentence as commonman who is the last person I would want you to share a shudder with.

Having said all that; sexual attraction is all in the eye of the beholder Diane Wiess (bar) may haver a homespun appeal to someone like an Amish boy?
Me I would walk over hot coals to get at Nigella Lawson, so you see ?
I cannot immagine you walking over hot coals to get to me (bloody shame) and neither to Tony Abbott, still there must be both achievable and non-achieavable princes on your dance card?

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Actually, Tony Abbott seems like a great match for Fiona.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

You do not think Fi would fall for stuffed budgie smugglers?

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. How so? Not well enough off for my tastes. Too Catholic too.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Beside Fi, Tony does not listen to women or even talk with them. Tony talks at women . Nuf said?

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Oh pish! Every woman knows who REALLY wears the pants in any relationship! 😉

1 04 2010
Benjamin

Well, he has the same warmth towards those he perceives to be his lessers. And he has an education at least on par with yours.

C’mon, have a go.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Fair points. However, he has to work for a living. Well, so much as a politician does.

1 04 2010
brad

many a presbyterian offspring have been fathered by chatholic swimmers

1 04 2010
JimC

THE LOST BOYS is glorious.

I’ve been ex-communicated from the horror fan community because I dare float the opinion that THE LOST BOYS is far funnier, more entertaining and scarier than AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON.

1 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Huh? But it is!

1 04 2010
vivisection

Would could me more entertaining than watching Star on the back of a motorbike riding along the beach where bonfires and saxaphone solos are playing….Where is she now?

1 04 2010
Shirley M

You wouldn’t be excommunicated from my community. You’re right. Though American Werewolf is also tops.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Aaaaaahhhhh…my people! Feels like coming home…

Unlike my own home, where I’ve had stand-up rows with both my Beloved and my Sole Offspring re The Lost Boys’ validity as a vampire film (I say YES! And Kiefer Sutherland and co were freakin’ scary with the upside-down-batface thing.)

I also maintain American Werewolf was tragic (in a good way). *Cue sniggering and general smart-arsery from both Beloved Offspring.*

And Viv, happy to advise that Star (Jami Gertz) is still smokin’ hot and has a recurring role on Entourage, which I understand is an environment shamefully light-on for saxaphones.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

yesssss niiiiice!

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

saxaphones
I get it.
*snort*

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Edna Foke Witte,
So you loved killing Zoe?
Hmmm we will have to investigate you carefully!!

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I was waiting in the dark by her car. I got her with the cable ties. Ziiiik! Just tight enough to restrict her breathing. She struggled for a minute but soon went limp. I could hear her breath as a stertorous hiss as I started the car. Back in the garage I had prepared earlier I dragged her unceremoniously from the car. Her eyes were like teacups. In full panic, starved of oxygen for almost thirty minutes. Her tears and snot matting lank streamers of bleach blonde across her ashen face. The blue kiss of cyanosis on her lips. Her eyebrows jumping like frightened caterpillars as her eyes focused on the white hot knife…

1 04 2010
Tombarina

Do you reckon there’s a market for Bedazzled duct tape and Pandora’d cable ties? You know, for the CUB serial killer.

If so, let’s add it to the marketing plan.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

oh! my! f8cking! God!
Bogans are watching Dexter!
this will be huge!
BOGUEmort.
the bogues will pronounce the T.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

I know! There’s a maXXXXXtreme hole in the market. Let’s aim to be the Delta Goodrems of BOGUEmort chic.

They like buying shiny, unecessary crap. We like selling it, and will be in the possession of a large Bedazzler. There’s no end to the possibilities.

I’m off to spend Easter plotting. And Bedazzling any bogan who crosses my path. *k’pow..k’pow**

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Oh Tombarina! go “up the river” or wherever bogans go on long weekends, and bedazzle, bedazzle, bedazzle!

It will generate interest in our new range

campBogue.

(for the gents again)

wish I could be with you.

I have to um…
do some gardening.
yes gardening. that’s it!

1 04 2010
Tombarina

…although I AM feeling quite afeared after reading your last post.

Obviously, I’ve not drunk enough cheeky cleanskin.

(shuffles off to fridge, looking back over shoulder at computer screen in mild alarm)

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

hahahahahahahah

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Edna,
You were fantastic.
Know you can get large cable tyes at Bunnings garden centre that can be released and retightened …….? wow

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

but they get slippery when the wet works start.

I have enough trouble dealing with all the sh*t and snot.

1 04 2010
James Hunter

Edna,
Do you have a CRT store near you? Combined Rural Traders?
You can get great little (bout the size of a can of beans) electric fence chargers. Zap zap zap. mind you ,youll need a good gag and the snot will runnnn

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

James. that’s creative, and I admire that. But when someone’s airway is so tightly constricted, increasing the pain level will naturally induce screaming. Now I’m glad you’ve taken care of the noise with a gag or somesuch, (or you’re a complete amateur ahaha haahhahah hahahh hah haha haah hahh haaa) but all that extra sucking and blowing trying to scream can produce far too much mucous, ultimately completely obstructing the airway. leading to a premature death.
and we don’t wan’t that. yet.

also consider the carbon emissions when using electric torture please james. do you really need apparatus or is a glass in the face enough when they’re already tied up?
hmm?

2 04 2010
James Hunter

Edna,
Good point, I did say “the snot will runnnnn !”
have you tried putting a small insect in each ear of the tyee with a piece of elastoplast over the top so it cant get out? the sensations as it crawls a,scratches and flaps against the ear drum can work wonders?
Oh and people on a long stay in the “gold” room, little black ants,so long as they can find it lurve snot , giggle giggle , pulls legs of flys.

1 04 2010
Tombarina

You are sick, sick people.

I like you.

Happy Easter!

(Bedazzle, Bedazzle, Bedazzle…oh $hit, Edna – we got ourselves a bleeder…)

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

“mwaaah!” Tombarina!

😡

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

oooh
crap face! crap face!

it was supposed to be a kiss!

😀

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

James. that’s creative, and I admire that. But when someone’s airway is so tightly constricted, increasing the pain level will naturally induce screaming. Now I’m glad you’ve taken care of the noise with a gag or somesuch, (or you’re a complete amateur ahaha haahhahah hahahh hah haha haah hahh haaa) but all that extra sucking and blowing trying to scream can produce far too much mucous, ultimately completely obstructing the airway. leading to a premature death.
and we don’t wan’t that. yet.

also consider the carbon emissions when using electric torture please james. do you really need apparatus or is a glass in the face enough when they’re already tied up?
hmm?

1 04 2010
Muzz

Please note the double “z”

http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/129072777042984677.jpg I think this jpeg sums it all up quite nicely!!!

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

f@ck off muz

1 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

oops!
wrong Muzz.

sorry.

Fuck On!
(nice pic)

2 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

ooops
wrong muz!

sorry

f@ck On Muzz.
(nice pic)

1 04 2010
Pandabater

It rubs the lotion on its skin.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

or else it gets the hose again

1 04 2010
Pandabater

Edna, remind me never to cross you.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

word.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

word

1 04 2010
Pandabater

Well its time for bed, should have no trouble chewing the sheets all night, thanks edna, pleasent dreams. May all your kidappings be discreet.

1 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I can see your lights

sweet dreams

1 04 2010
LATFH

Twilight is for teens-of all kinds. Fast forward 10 years and some inner city hipster will be writing it’s ironic thesis on it’s non ironic preteen/early teen infatuation with the series. Also – recent quality of comments on this site = abysmal. Yawn, off to bed.

2 04 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
SCEGGS , thank you, but SMEGS has a more appropriate feel?
I went to High School at Armidale High School and our local equivalen was NEGS
which some of us refered ot a NAGGS.

Dont go “Hanging Round” with Edna now will you
What a Filght Attendant” she would make.

3 04 2010
ant

Off topic: don’t you DARE blame Angel for all this teenage vampire crap.

On topic: something about Fiona and stuff.

4 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Happy Easter lesser people. I hope you enjoy your cheap compound chocolate.

4 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Strictly Enric Rovira ’round our way. His giant sun kissed chocolate eggs are to die for.

8 04 2010
Ash

Big LOOOOOOOL…. compound chocolate, lol, how plebeian.

The piranha face makes that comment even funnier.

4 04 2010
James Hunter

What is that?

6 04 2010
James Hunter

Dearest Edna,
Did you “Try it in Portugese”

6 04 2010
Benny Hill

Is it okay that I pirated the Twilight movies and watched them or is pirating/bootlegging movies even more bogan? Like coming back from Bali with a second suitcase full of pirated shit…

27 07 2010
pb

for your viewing pleasure (or horror), the femmebogue has combined bad tattoos and twilight and come up with these: http://www.tinyurl.com.au/eff

28 09 2010
Phil

Chub,

Try anything by Larry Niven, or any of the earlier works by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle (especially “The Mote In God’s Eye” and “Lucifer’s Hammer’ by LN & JP).

10 11 2010
Mikey

“Like Richard Wilkins, the modern vampire is an empty shell, a vessel into which the female bogan can pour her frustrated sense of romance and danger. ”

My brother was in an airport once near Wilko. He actually heard the rigidity afflicted hirsute one used the actual phrase “don’t you know who I am”.

Yes. That happened. Go Wilko.

I still remember that time he did a piece to camera from a jolly boat in Sydney harbour for some awards show. He was that close to tipping in. I’d hazard if he had the water would have boiled and hissed away like the ghosts coming out of the ark in Raiders.

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