This man is arguably Australian sport’s foremost bogan, and he has a history as lengthy as a glassing fight between two bogans brandishing plastic cups. The equation is simple. Bogans love sport, bogans love people who validate their own boganic behaviour, and therefore bogans REALLY love Brendan Fevola.
The first signs appeared in 1998, when Fevola (then still playing junior football) appeared in “The Draft”, an ABC documentary following three 17 year old aspiring footballers. In it, baby Fev displayed x-treme disdain for the rules, and the ability to kick goals. It was the latter trait that compelled Carlton to recruit him at the end of the year, and he went on to build an imposing list of goalkicking feats during his years at the club. But Fev isn’t just a typical sportsman, he’s a lot more bogan than that. Just like the bogan loves for itself, Fevola capitalises on the good work of everyone else to take the glory, and when his teammates don’t give him the ball/attention he thinks he deserves, the tantrums are spectacular.
Fev wasn’t content to express himself with tribal tattooing, he had a thirst for more. The “thirst” bit was for vast amounts of liquor, and the “more” bit was for all of the stuff that happens after he slakes his aforementioned thirst. One of the side-effects of all of this thirst-slaking is the urgent need to urinate, which he resolved in true boganic fashion by pissing on the front wall of a bar in Prahran in 2008.
Of course, Fev’s on/off marriage to a busty bottle blonde has been most notably punctuated by a famed affair with prime bogan lust target Lara Bingle. Not content with adultery, Fev took the chance to display his photographic prowess in the bathroom. Bingle, now astride bogan hero Michael Clarke, has recently enlisted the agency services of famed scandal factory Max Markson, plonking Fev back in hot water. The Bingling mingling was singling out Fevola for defamation cash jingling, due to him revealing her breasts to the world, despite it being what she already did for a bogan-fuelled living.
A successful professional sports career has served to open the world up for Fev. When on tour with the Australian International Rules team in Ireland in 2006, he represented the mighty Southern Cross by belting a Galway barman half his size. Back home, he endeared himself to the bogan TV viewer by getting max-hammered at the Brownlow, and carrying on like a tiprat on national TV for bogan mirth institution The Footy Show. This proved the final straw for Carlton, who shipped him off to the state that brought us Barnaby Joyce and the 3 Park Superpass. While Queensland’s iconic beer is only a mid-strength, this should prove to be only a minor obstacle to a proven achiever like Fev.
A champion goalkicker/troublemaker like Fevola could be excused for resting on his laurels, but this would be to not comprehend what made him a champion in the first place. Fev has been studying Criminology by correspondence at Griffith University, presumably with the aim of better understanding just what he can piss on, glass, punch, and take photos of without getting sent to prison.