#29 – 3-Park Superpass!

19 11 2009

The Islamic faith has Mecca, the Catholics have the Vatican City, and the fashion world has Milan. Bogan culture, too, has its own site of pilgrimage – a fountain of Boganic purity, gushing forth in plenty all that is Boganesque – that place is Queensland’s Gold Coast. On the Gold Coast, not so much a city as a holiday resort-cum-shopping-mall-cum-vertical retirement village, no sites are more sacred than that juggernaut of Bogan fun-in-the-sun, Movie World, Sea World and Wet’n’Wild, all covered under the extravagantly priced Three Park Superpass*. According to the operator, these theme parks are “a thrill-seekers (sic) paradise”, leading us to conclude that thrill seeker (Bogan) heaven involves some combination of getting sunburnt, being ripped off, thrashing your children in public, waiting in queues and having a chuck from a moving vehicle. Let’s break this down.

Warner Bros. Movie World:

Movie World touts itself as “Hollywood on the Gold Coast”, but it differs from the real Hollywood in that no movies have actually ever been made there. It is a reproduction of the soulless artifice Hollywood is famous for, sans any actual motion picture production; a testament to the cynical genius of marketers as much as it is to the Bogan’s slack-jawed susceptibility to their ruses, Movie World’s success lies in combining everything about mass culture which provides such enduring comfort to the Bogan, stripping it of any remaining content, and turning it into an extreme, bowel-loosening thrill ride experience. The Bogan loves Movie World because the rides vaguely remind it of a film it once saw cross-marketed on a Happy Meal, but at that point the Bogan stops thinking about it, because everything’s going really really fast.

Sea World:

Sea World, much like that other Queensland nature abomination, Australia Zoo, seems on the surface to be highly educational, but do not be fooled. You will not learn anything about marine life on Bert and Ernie’s Island Holiday, or the amazing Jet Rescue Ride, where somehow you can save a sea lion by riding a jet ski, instead of destroying its habitat and disfiguring its progeny, which is what you’d expect to happen. Sea World is truly a magical place where our natural environment meets high-octane fun, and is summarily ground into extinction.

Wet ‘n’ Wild:

Seeing as there is no discernable difference between this place and Sea World (apart from the dolphins in the pool having been replaced by yet more dickheads,) there is nothing further to add.

* As much out of malice as commercial imperative, the equally dumb and crass Dreamworld has been excluded from the Superpass, although the Bogan may not know this at the time of impulse purchase, allowing the Bogan to wait in yet another endless queue to lodge an irrational complaint.


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95 responses

19 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

Another mildly amusing post. I will say it again; making fun of bogans is easy and passé. Apart from the (unintentionally) hilarious people commenting, I have little reason to visit this blog. Can’t you pick a more difficult sub-culture to target with your borrowed writing style?

19 11 2009
Indi

Lets see:
Things Private Schoolboys Like?
Things Independently Wealthy Hipsters Like?
Things the Electors of Higgins like?
Things Liberal Parliamentarians Like?
Things Right-Wing Commentators Like?

That kind of thing?

21 11 2009
??

its about time this state made it onto this list

21 11 2009
??

forgot to add. will schoolies make it here, too??? as well a pack rape and abortions after the event has finished??

19 11 2009
shazza

P of K,
Commenting about the fact you “have little reason to visit”, and then continue to do so. Then state “apart from the unintentionally” funny comments, and then do exactly that! Hilarious and a tad ironic, though in an Alanis-bogan kind of way.

19 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

I said I have ‘little’ reason to visit. It’s comments like yours that keep me coming back. Carry on.


Are we allowed to visit your blog? TBL

19 11 2009
shazza

Misuse of cliche’, that would sit along side malapropisms quite nicely.

19 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

Shazza, I have no idea what you are talking about. Misuse of Cliché?

19 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

Fair point. No, I do not have a blog, so I criticise as a member of your audience, rather than a peer.

However, I do understand the intended satire in this site, and for that I say keep up the good (negative?) work.

19 11 2009
Indi

And I was serious- each of those titles would be quite fun. Although the ‘like’ part might make it difficult for the right-wing commentators section.

19 11 2009
pokrulez

What you talkin’ ’bout willis? It’s the internet! Of course you gots a blog!
http://thingspeterofkensingtonlikes.wordpress.com/

This is the most excellent thing in the history of things. We laughed a lot! TBL

19 11 2009
shazza

That’s very funny.

20 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

Pokrulez,

Well-played, that was outstanding!

You are a worthy challenger, I do not see the need to hide behind that moniker.

19 11 2009
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

best post yet

19 11 2009
FrancDux

Whatever Kensington, learn to make sense before portraying yourself as a twit online. I find this blog hilarious as do many others. It is a joke and written in a funny style. Why don’t you go and read another blog targeting a more appropriate Australian sub-culture and then buy a copy of Zoo magazine. Regards

19 11 2009
TipinTipin

A few films have been made at ‘Hollywood on the Gold Coast’, House of Wax (Staring Paris Hilton ;p), Peter Pan and… an action film starring Stone Cold Steve Austin.

19 11 2009
rustybeamish

As we said, no films. 🙂

19 11 2009
Brian

When I took my kid there many years ago, I asked the ‘tour guide’ midway through her spiel whether ‘Any *good* films had been made here?’ The answer was stony silence. I expect the case would be the same today.

19 11 2009
Anonymous Bosch

I read a recent report stating that Australia has been abandoned by American Filmmakers due to the exchange rate. There are no major 2009-2010 productions scheduled. We’ve been ‘pumped and dumped’. That’s the problem with out-sourcing to begin with: there’s always going to be somewhere cheaper.

19 11 2009
Brian of Brisbane

The new Narnia movie starring Gary Sweet and my mate the extra was made there.

4 12 2009
Emma

I’m pretty sure Lethal Weapon was made there too

19 11 2009
paulzore

Doldrums of Kensington,
I disagree with your opinion that bagging bogans is passe.
More importantly, so does dictionary.com:

“pas⋅sé
–adjective
1. no longer fashionable, in wide use, etc.; out-of-date; outmoded: There were many photographs of passé fashions. I thought hand-cranked pencil sharpeners were passé.”

Judging from the aforementioned hilarious comments seen in earlier posts, I don’t think the word really works here. Could it be that you have fallen under the sway of #26?

Even if it wasn’t fashionable, it still needs to be done.

19 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

Feel free to disagree with my opinion, however please do not speak on behalf of Dictionary.com. You are wrong.

I understand the meaning of passé, and it is apt to express my opinion.

“Even if it wasn’t fashionable, it still needs to be done”
My point is that it WAS fashionable and it has been DONE to death.

19 11 2009
paulzore

1. Speaking on behalf of dictionary.com? Ummm, no. That was a direct quote, I used the cut and paste functions in the Edit menu.
2. As long as there are still douchebags around that should know better, there will be a need to laugh at their transgressions. Ridicule precipitates change.

19 11 2009
Peter of Kensington

1. “More importantly, so does dictionary.com”….Yes, speaking on behalf of dictionary.com.

2. I guess that’s why I laugh at the people commenting. Good to know. Thanks.

19 11 2009
paulzore

flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamed

19 11 2009
Nick

I see Dreamworld in a similar vain to your Mother Energy Drink post – Marketing Genius.

Macquarie Bank closed Dreamworld’s own water park and built a new, independently marketed park next door. The bogan now has to double up on the entry fee but feels they have received a cracking deal with the “World Pass.”

In addition, Dreamworld has introduced Flowrider & V8 Supercars Red Line (that will be $15 for both mate), Q4U – notice the cool, gen y text language (that will be a tenner thanks) and how about you rock up a hour earlier and we will hit you up for another tenner.

Keep any eye on Event Cinemas – seems to be going the same way.

19 11 2009
El Tel

‘The Street Fighter’ was made at Movie World in 1994. Not the Sonny Chiba classic, but a film starring boxer Joe Bugner (!) and Kylie Minogue. Amazed that more people haven’t heard of it.

19 11 2009
brad

didnt Jean Claude Van Damme make an appearance in this epic masterpeice(correct me if im wrong) ?

19 11 2009
Francis McKonkey

Yes you are wrong. It’s spelt ‘masterpiece’…

21 11 2009
pinky has a brain

Snap! MUHAHAHAHAHA well done

19 11 2009
berihebi

If you go to Wet n’ Wild be careful of the razor blades that some people stick into the joins in the slide tubes. There was a girl who was cut to shreds there last year.

19 11 2009
Shaz

Urban Legends…. methinks this is another post for things bogans like….

19 11 2009
berihebi

Don’t ask me how this works but it does. If you send this post to 7 people then exactly 7 seconds later an email will appear in your inbox that will give you a free pass to Dreamworld.

I just wanted to post this to let you know that you’re special to me Shaz.

19 11 2009
CB

Completely agree…. that legend has been doing the rounds for every water park and every waterslide in the country for years and years and years.

Shaz, a twist on your suggestion could be conspiracy thories and the bogan’s love of… (despite having little to no knowledge of the actual event)

19 11 2009
Indi

To be fair, the bogan-targetting media actually don’t supply much by way of factual information. Facts would just get in the way of biassed opinion and ingrained attitudes. That’s why we can have ‘equal time’ demands for creationism and evolution taken seriously, even on the front pages of Teh Australian, it must be said.

19 11 2009
Anonymous Bosch

My town put in a water slide at the local swimming baths when I was eight years old. The Razor Blade Urban Legend was told to me whilst it was being built – the end result being that I never went on it, until it went under due to a combo of harsh economic reality, and being built on a flood plain.

I’m thirty-eight now. The media goes into a hand-wringing frenzy if a child so much as slips and falls in a school yard. If this had actually ever once happened since, ‘A Current Affair’ and News.com would have milked it for all it was worth with the requisite walk-and-talk at the camera, i.e. “Is YOUR child safe?” and urging the goverment to ‘Get Tough On Waterslide Safety’.

19 11 2009
brad

these things do happen its like the time i was burgled and i was playing with my camcorder a few weeks later and my toothbrush,oh the humanity!

19 11 2009
Tony D

Razorblades?!? “Things the children of bogans like to do…”

19 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I can barely imagine the horror of the “Gold (LOL) Coast”.

19 11 2009
CB

Ahhh the memoires. I went to these three parks when I was but a child (many years ago) and I do find it funny they are still driving the same marketing campaign. Either the marketing team is highly intelligent (getting paid massive amounts of cash to re-use old ideas) or completely brain dead but lucky (re-using old ideas and by sheer luck they work!

I would imagine a large percentage of the population (aged 25-35) would have been to these parks as a kid.

Lastly I was in L.A in June and I went to Universal Studios and I have to say it was as cheesy as Movie World on the GC and the attractions were only marginally better in the entertainment and quality stakes

19 11 2009
chris of South yarra

Gold LOL Coast , classic i haven’t been there for years , this reminds me why..

19 11 2009
chris of South yarra

How long untill Caravan parks get a mention surely there bogan camps..

19 11 2009
berihebi

Caravan parks aren’t Bogan anymore Chris. They’re cool. So back off.

19 11 2009
chris of South yarra

LOl you have got to be kidding me, its bogan paradise most of them i dunno which ones you’ve been to..

19 11 2009
berihebi

Big4 Yamba buddy

19 11 2009
berihebi

To explain Chris, caravan parks have become retro-cool. It’s a bit like barefoot bowls was a few years ago before the bogans caught on. Caravan parks will be back to being bogan again by 2014.

19 11 2009
RickJames

The Gold Coast as a (w)hole is haven for bogans. I live on the G.C. I can see the Tower of Terror at Dreamworld from my office window. I live 2.5 K’s behind Wet N Wild and have never visited one of them since living in QLD. I will however admit, I visit another very bogacious place in the Boathouse Tavern (just a 2 min walk from Dreamworld). This has on a Thursday & Friday arvo topless barmaids and chicks in bikini’s washing windows at the drive thru bottle-o and a sea of orange and flouro green workers flowing from the building. If one goes there, be prepared for a man-off, but I guess that is another topic. If you go around the corner to The Lost City tavern on a Friday night, you are most likely to get your head well and truly kicked in by a fucking NZ’er, whom I think are the biggest bogans of all.

Do yourselves a favour and YouTube ‘Trent from Punchy’ if you want to see a bogan in it’s purest form.

19 11 2009
chris of South yarra

Trent from punchy is a set-up fake..

19 11 2009
RickJames

I know, it’s done by the same dudes who do ‘Beached Az’

19 11 2009
brad

a good topic for #30-Noo Zeelanders

19 11 2009
Lee

Wow, do you ultra cool hipsters like anything?!?!
Or is it ‘Bogan’ to go somewhere like a theme park and let your hair down for a day and have fun?
I haven’t been to the Gold Coast’s theme parks for years but gee I had fun.
But to be fair we are all different, my idea of fun doesn’t involve riding a scooter to a cafe in darlinghurst for a chai latte then fluffing around oxford street waiting for the sunday session at the tilbury to start up, each to their own I guess!

19 11 2009
paulzore

Keep in mind that this is “Things Bogans Like”, not “Things That Only Bogans Like”.
Liking something in one of these posts shouldn’t mean you are a bogan. Liking lots of them does.

19 11 2009
brad

how many? ,whats the cut off point coldzore

20 11 2009
Indi

You can enjoy aspects of all of it and still not be a bogan. Tibetan monks love theme parks, nuns love monster trucks, Alexander Downer is a revhead, the Pope loves a Crowny or seven. ( I made that last one up, as a german he would think of it as animal food trough water)

The sad point, and the point of the humour on this iste, (nasty though it is at times), is that for many people is that these consumer items or experiences (or silly names) definine their identity.

It can be about something other than the things blasted at us by popular media and advertising or a peer group. But that doesn’t mean you have to be the fun police or sneer at it all. If you can appreciate some merit, or that something gives another human joy share it. That’s pretty rare, but it does happen.

19 11 2009
Dee

Bogans love to read things online that annoy them and then complain bitterly about it. I wonder why that is?

19 11 2009
Bogan Hater

It always amazes me that bogans will visit a foreign country like Japan and spend the whole time going to theme parks – sometimes they don’t even have children with them! What about National Parks, beautiful scenery, historical towns, castles, museums and so on?

19 11 2009
Youller

Oh, and boosting that they now have been to EuroDisney, Tokyo Disney, Disneyland AND Disneyworld.

19 11 2009
berihebi

I think that’s just Australians taking the lead from Americans, Japanese and Chinese by Disneyfying the whole world. If it ain’t cute and can’t be packaged as easy entertainment then it ain’t worth visiting.

Anyone in Brisbane, what the hell is it with these bloody military helicopters flying low overhead day and night by the way?

19 11 2009
Bryce

Hmmm, what started off as a funny and apt cultural critique has now descended into a snooty attempt at making the blog’s writers feel better about themselves.

I don’t feel that indulging in a bit of tacky, overpriced ‘fun’ makes one bogan – I’ve been to all the theme parks and they’re not the worst places in the world.

And that’s another thing bogans like: “making fun of other people” – something I’m sure the authors of this website are guilty of.

Sorry we hit so close to home, Bryce… – TBL

20 11 2009
Saunders

No this blog is needed. Far too long the media has tried to sell us this packaged ideology on how australia should be and look what it has spawned!

A classless, mono consumerist society who have helped in the devolution of society and of the human species. Bogans try and inflict their horrid lifestyle on everyone and if you don’t conform to there ideals then you are a “looser” and are dismissed.

My idea of life is not owning a mortgage for 25 years in a suburb miles from anything except a shopping centre to allow me to consume and accumulate more debt for the sake of being one up on the smiths who live next door.

I am glad this blog is around to expose and mock this horrid culutre.

20 11 2009
CB

I agree with you Saunders but are you saying it is Bogan to own a house? Far from it… I think it is bogan to RENT in the ‘burbs but to buy? They could never afford the deposit let alone the repayments

19 11 2009
Bogan Hater

It;’s not that they go to theme parks – when my kids were young we took them to theme parks for a holiday treat occasionally, even though I hated going to them. But for bogans the theme parks are the REASON to go on a holiday. They’ll spend an enormous anount of money flying the whole family to the US or Japan, just to go to Disneyland or one of the other Disney varieties.

Travel is supposed to broaden your horizons – other countries have so much more to offer other than more theme parks!

19 11 2009
SB of Brizzvegas

I went to Dreamworld last week. Had a ball. Probably another 5-10 years before I go back again. Plenty of bogan spotting to be done. That said, there were plenty of non-bogans (I like to call them norms) there also.

19 11 2009
Brian of Brisbane

I went to Bogan Gate and couldn’t see a bogan.

19 11 2009
berihebi

Whatever happened to Westie Wonderland in Sydney? I remember it fondly from my days there.

20 11 2009
chris of South yarra

lol the guy off hit list tv wears Ed hardy all the time

20 11 2009
Muz

Monster trucks!

20 11 2009
Bogan Hater

Berihebi, the helicopters are supposed to be flying around so that the army can become familiar with Brisbane’s layout in the event of an attack. It makes me wonder if they know something they’re not telling us – are we in danger of an imminent attack?

20 11 2009
berihebi

Yeah that’s weird, but thanks. Do they do that in every city? You’d think there would be satellite technology that could take care of that these days.

21 11 2009
Bogan Hater

I don’t know – I guess so. I was having coffee in a cafe at Milton yesterday and they were swooping low every 20 minutes or so, right over the cafe – very loud and annoying.

20 11 2009
Anouk

I was dragged along to two of these abominations a few years ago. The worst thing was all I wanted to do at Seaworld was watch the Polar Bears, but the people I was dragged along by insisted on me going on every stupid ride and seeing every stupid show. What a waste of money.

I ‘chucked a sickie’ so I didn’t have to endure Wet ‘n’ Wild. One of the best decisions ever 🙂

20 11 2009
Lee

Wow you must lead a very boring and uneventful life!

20 11 2009
bogan on the inside

This site is awesome. Don’t let anyone who is claiming to speak for their bogan brothers and sisters tell you otherwise. This post describes my bogan coming of age.

As a perky 18 year old in my first serious bogan relationship, I made a one month pilgrimage to bogan mecca. This trip took in every theme park, and me and my bogan beau even had our photos taken with several warner bros cartoon characters. Yes, there is evidence.

This rite of passage gave me bogan status for life, thus I’m free to indulge in middle class cliches like doing a phd, wearing clothes handmade by melbourne designers (who I know) and talking loudly about Foucault in carlton cafes without fear of losing my bogan status. Phew!

20 11 2009
Indi

Invincible boganance! Let me guess you PhD topic subtitle- “I’ve been to Surfers’ paradise but I’ve never been to me?”

20 11 2009
Wolfgang

The Bogan is easily spotted on the Gold Coast. They arrrive in the aircraft named Tiger Airways. They accommodate themselves at Breakfree Resorts. They hire mopeds.

20 11 2009
bogan on the inside

How did you guess indi?

20 11 2009
Indi

Just a wild guess. I do hope you do a presentation re-creating the Charlene video.

So can you tell me exactly what things a woman ain’t supposed to see? Apart from the backroom at the Laird, obviously.

21 11 2009
TRU-BLU-OCCA

I take it your holding onto some tension stemmed from a rejection to visit these money wasting corperations as a child. I don’t because i got to go as a kid, I also got to go bungee jumping at ‘Bungee DownUnder’ on the coast when i was 13(legal age 15). I’m assuming these are the things that diferenciate that socio-economic levels in the bogan world, not that they have done alot for me however. It’s currently 2:41AM and i’m waiting for limewire to finish downloading a movie.

24 11 2009
Eliescha

The very sad part about this is the marketing campaign they are running at the moment is targetting my 7 year old, who is begging me on a daily basis after seeing the ads for Dreamworld on Nickelodeon to take him up for these school holidays… Do I give in and spend two days with all those annoying people at Dreamworld or put my foot down with a no?? arghhhhhhhhh

24 11 2009
Indi

Duff Gardens, or is it Mt Splashmore?

27 11 2009
Moi

Last time (and the only time) I’ve ever been to ‘Dream’ World, a bogan’s kid planted an aqua bog down the slippery slide of the pool. While I tried to pull myself away, I also couldn’t help but but look on at the thrill-seekers screeching at their young’ns to “Get outta the damn pool or I’ll leave ya ‘ere Shayanne.”

30 11 2009
Kat

The 3 park superpass is awesome.

25 12 2009
James

It’s not the theme parks that are bogan, its the retards who pay $30 to fly up here from their Western Sydney slum with their sprog to infest theme parks, beaches, get drunk and cause fights.

I find it hilarious that QLD gets the tail end of the brunt when the bogan hotspots are much more numerous and violent in NSW and VIC.

15 01 2010
Ian

You sell Wet’n’Wild’s bogan potential short. Everyone’s in their swim gear, so it’s a living museum of Australia’s Worst Tattoos, exposed in all their glory. Embarrassing typos. Self-inked random doodles that make their body look like your primary school pencil case. And really poor quality kiddie portraits. Every tatt in the place looks like they got 3 quotes from local parlours, and went with the cheapest one.

16 01 2010
TJ

what do you non bogans do for fun? please tell me its not eat cucumber sandwiches with the good old lads and talk about the hunting trip while you play croquet cause that seems like your trying to be english high sociteoy and lets face it, the only thing you guys have that is high is your head up your own ass. take a good hard look into what and who founded this country which is blessed, perfect temputer year round, perfect beaches, beutiful women and most people if you dont act like a tool to them are friendly. what is wrong with bogans anyway what did they ever do to you? apart from the odd comment yell out a car window, which shouldnt bother you if you had any selfconfidence

14 09 2010
G

I’m confused? Films have been made at the studios at Movie World. Fucking moron.

Actually, they were at Universal Studios, not Movie World. But feel free to keep hurling epithets. TBL

21 09 2010
Jessica-Kate

You do realise that Dreamworld isn’t owned by warners brothers…. So that is why its not included in the 3 park super pass.
Just Letting you know.

Indeed, that’d be our reference to “commercial imperative” near the bottom of the entry. TBL

7 01 2011
nonA

You realise that to the bogan, it doesn’t matter that it’s a 3-Park Pass, it should grant them and their brood access to 4 parks, lest they complain to customer service/ACA/Today Tonight. It’s just the nature of the beast.

4 12 2010
PH Test

when i was a kid, i really enjoyed going up and down on water slides, it is a very enjoyable experience ,;*

24 01 2011
mrsynik

“much like that other Queensland nature abomination, Australia Zoo”

Oh, I look forward to the TBL article that talks about how much the Bogan loved “Steev-o” Irwan and his publicity addicted family.

24 03 2011
Nev

Thanks for wasting the last 12 minutes of my life reading this tripe… As has been said, what do all of you “Norms” (as I believe you wankers like to be reffered to as) do for fun?? Sit in the park, sip coffee from a glass and poke fun at people… Really, who is the bogan /rant

I like drinking beer, listening to music, eating good food, catching up with mates, going on holidays, and writing social satire. But, by and large, I manage to do these things in non-bogan ways. TBL

PS: It took you TWELVE minutes to read that?

24 03 2011
Nev

Good to hear you try to be non bogan… It must be said, I try not to do things bogan either, just according to some of the posts above, you cannot even fart without being bogan…

Yes, I reckon it actually took a little longer than that… I didn’t attend Uni. I’m a tradie…

Wait, wait… Here it comes

19 10 2013
Steph

Just quickly on the whole movie world spiel you gave. There have actually been a lot of movies made at the sound stages adjoining movie world. Stage 1 and 2 are used for the annual fright night that the park holds but they have also housed production to movies such as scooby doo, Peter Pan, the condemned, ghost ship and house of wax….soooo your argument about movies never being filmed there is based on crud. Just saying 🙂

18 03 2015
franz chong

I have done the US Theme Parks and this is like a huge disappointment to be honest.Give me the real Disneyland or the real Universal Studios to be honest.Sea World is much the same the world over having been to the one in the USA on my first visit there in 1989.

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