#30 – Fad Diets

20 11 2009

While many bogans – usually the male ones – are busy getting huge at the gym, there are many more, of all stripes, getting huge by other means. Prominent among these are bogan standards like late-night McDonalds and KFC. However, there has been a shift underway in the bogan mindset.

Some time ago, the bogan became aware of the benefits of appearing healthy (this is distinct, it bears mentioning, from actually being healthy). This is because an aesthetically pleasing bogan is better positioned to be photographed in those unusual middle sections of the street presses whereby young bogans pose lasciviously in front of a stranger’s camera at the club, often 6 jagerbombs into a 12 jagerbomb night.

The result of this change first manifested itself in stating loudly and publicly that they were ‘watching their weight’. However, this had little to do with actually wanting to eat less-delicious foods. The response was nigh-on instant. McDonalds started a ‘salads’ range, with sufficient dressing as to make it resistant to ordinary forms of biodegradation. And Subway emerged, with footlong (this is not just a marketing term) sandwiches, boasting “six grams of fat”. What remained unmentioned was that the six gram option was a half-sized sandwich, with wholemeal bread, no meat, no cheese, no sauce, and no taste. Naturally, the bogan proceeded to order the footlong meatball (double meat) with tasty cheese, BBQ sauce and pickles, then sat down to enjoy their healthy lunch.

The ensuing weight gain created significant consternation for bogans nationwide. Why was their new diet not successful? Why did they continue to register a BMI of 32? There were clearly only two options. For male bogans, it was that they obviously boasted a higher-than-normal muscle mass, a conclusion reached after learning that professional athletes often had higher-than-normal BMI readings. Female bogans, on the other hand, decided that they had malfunctioning lymph nodes. Or something similarly medicine-y sounding.

As a result, male bogans did nothing. Female bogans, with eyes fixed firmly on the prize, took to ‘dieting’. For years, carbs were the enemy. The Atkins diet, which, not incidentally, advocated the massive consumption of fats in order to get thin, failed. Because it failed to deal with the bogans’ poor metabolism and/or lymph glands (or whatever. Maybe thyroids? The bogan can’t really remember). So, suddenly, the diet market was awash with shakes. Sure Slim, Celebrity Slim and Tony Ferguson all promoted themselves as being able to reduce the collective bogan weight by a noteworthy proportion.

So bogans began drinking shakes. With their Subway and Maccas salads.


Actions

Information

72 responses

20 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Your beloved Fiona is first to comment.

22 11 2009
Linda

Fiona you are awesome. I am a fan of your comments all over the heraldsun too haha

23 11 2009
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Sadly, due to the unfortunate attitude of Bernie Slattery, the comments editor, I no longer frequent that den of bogan iniquity.

You can follow me on twitter, however: http://twitter.com/Fiona_of_Toorak

And of course, don’t forget to follow your host: http://twitter.com/thingboganslike

20 11 2009
Kyliekin3

I love this site 🙂 thanks for the great insight and the big belly laugh!

20 11 2009
berihebi

But fat people are sooo sexy. Fat models are sexy. There’s nothing unhealthy or ugly about being fat. We should just embrace the beautiful world of fat.

21 11 2009
??

fun site. but you forgot to mention, that bogans have embraced quick fix surgery rather than working towards weight loss. if they cant get loans for it here, they go to asian countries to get cut price lipo (and breast implants) on credit card (of course).

23 11 2009
dizzy

i hope ur being sarcastic!

20 11 2009
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

I had a fat friend explain me once that she couldnt help being her size, she had some thyroid issue.As she explained this she got pouty at me for not wanting one of her half dozen, custard chessecake donut thing she brought and after a masrshmallow stuffed milo, crisps and microwave meal with all vegies removed *vomit*

20 11 2009
Jasper

Did she have Diet Coke with it?

20 11 2009
Kris

…You forgot to mention the Lemon Detox Diet. Another short-lived diet fad that was seemingly loved by bogans.

And don’t get me started on Lite and Easy….

20 11 2009
berihebi

They turned “meals on wheels” into a business – genius!

20 11 2009
Lee

“Meals on wheels” is a service to help the elderly and disabled amongst us and relies heavily on volunteers.

Correct. Meals on wheels is an important service that allows vulnerable people to maintain more of their independence. On the other hand, “Lite n’ Easy” delivers nutritionally balanced meals to thousands of people with no excuse to be that pathetic. Perhaps getting off the couch to shop and cook would burn some of that stubborn girth. TBL

20 11 2009
SB of Brizzvegas

A bit judgemental Lee. I’ve recently sat some major exams that I have been studying for for the past 18 months while working fulltime. Currently I am working 14 hour shifts. So I indulge in Lite and Easy on work days. Its healthy food thats quite tasty with a good variety. Its fantastic for people with heavy work commitments. Not every one works 9 to 5, Monday to Friday.

20 11 2009
berihebi

Yeah but I’d bet atleast 95% of people who order lite ‘n easy don’t work 14 hour shifts either.

21 11 2009
Lee

SB, did you notice that the bold text in my comment was actually written by the author?
I also understand how hard it is to study aswell as work full time, I run my own business and have recently attended other courses at night in relation to my trade and I also understand how something like lite n easy can be beneficial in this circumstance.

22 11 2009
SB of Brizzvegas

Sorry, Lee. I noticed just after I hit submit.

20 11 2009
coq_roq

these comments r fully sick u’les. being muzz, im glad to c ppl pay out use other nationalities (ie Bogans) cos the leb jokes have been getting a bit old.

20 11 2009
WordNerd

HI, I’m Tania Zaietta, welcome to the Lemon Detox awards.

Or,

You’ve seen it on Oprah, and Angelina Jolie does it, so now you, too can evacuate your excess in one weekend so you can fop around shirtless. 48 rapid detox is a quick and easy way to lose your flab, and all you have to do is sit on the toilet for a full weekend. The chaffing is worth it, youse…

20 11 2009
Jasper

The brand “Celebrity Slim” sums it up.

20 11 2009
shazza

All the abovementioned diets are fine when one has a long term goal, such as fitting into the bridesmaid dress in 3 months. But for weight loss in a hurry every bogan chick knows there’s no substitute for Winny Blues and some dexis from the ADHD kid next door, swillied with diet Coke/Pepsi or Mother.

20 11 2009
Indi

Kath and Kim got there first

20 11 2009
Indi

And what about Warnie and the diuretics? Piss yourself slim!

20 11 2009
Saunders

This blog just keeps on delivering. It just makes me sad that i have to share my existence with such a sad majority.

I think it’s time to leave this cesspool of white trash and move abroad. There is so much mainstream crapness one can handle and there is no way to escape these horrible species as they have infiltrated every conceivable space in this country. On top of that they are allowed to multiply which renders the future in australia a scary proposition.

It’s a shame that creative, intelligent worthwhile people are dismissed in Australia.

20 11 2009
berihebi

They exist everywhere. They just annoy you more in your own country

20 11 2009
Indi

Bingo.

Italian bogans call their children ‘Rock’ (like Hudson) or ‘Kirk’ (like Douglas, but pronounced Keerk).

20 11 2009
shazza

I dunno berihebi, at least at home I can retreat to my bogan free neighbourhood. I find it cringe inducing to come acorss the bogan on holiday. They really spoil the ambient mood of any space they fill.

20 11 2009
Lee

You sound as though you have been beaten mate.
Along with creative, intelligent worth while people, being strong also weighs in on this.
Quitters are quickly dismissed in Australia. Bye now.

21 11 2009
Anonymous Bosch

You can always spot a Bogan: they use ‘mate’ as punctuation.

< Is sick of the mythology of 'mateship' in this country, which seems culturally-blind to the fact that men the world over have strong bonds with male friends, or if that is recognised, that Australian friendships possess more strength and validity.

< Is also sick of it being a lazy buzzword trotted out by 'A Current Affair' and Politicians, (always, without fail, dragging the WWI Diggers into it), to signify the strength, stoicism and sacrifice of the Australian people, (whom I've noticed are more prone to bursting into whinging fits at the government not being 'Tough Enough' on whatever subject News.Com is beating into the ground to sell papers this week'; whom also burst into hysterical tears and request a national day of mourning whenever a TV Celebrity dies, since there's apparently no value in such thing as dignity and reserve anymore when you won't be able to see them on TV each week; whom are likely to jump out of their Holden and clip you round the ear if you cut them off in the KFC Carpark because they can't handle their raging Me Hungry! needs of their ID being denied for an extra two minutes; and who will never, ever pass up picking a fight with a random stranger who did nothing more than enter their field of vision when they've had a couple of beers.

It's also something to do with not shagging a mate's wife or sister, (in theory, not practice).

22 11 2009
Lee

Umm, if you say so……

24 11 2009
big_fat_floppy_juloppies

immigration not high enough for you ?

20 11 2009
JimC

The Tony Ferguson diet definitely works if you have the discipline to follow it correctly. I speak from experience.

But, of course, the very nature of the word ‘discipline’ is a foreign concept to bogans.

And so it’s trips to Maccas and Subway for their so-called ‘Healthy Choices’ rubbish that undoes them. Or maybe those bottles of Coke they store at home to give to little three year-old Braydon and Lakeisha.

20 11 2009
Tone

The only trouble with the Tony Ferguson diet is that is has some serious side effects. Long term use could cause all sorts of horrible outcomes, including but not limited to the changes to one’s hair – it may eventually end up looking like a cross between octogenarian pubic hair and a Steelo pad. It would explain why Tony’s hair looks like it does; probably spent too many years high on his own supply …

20 11 2009
JimC

Uhhh, no.

20 11 2009
JimC

Once someone reaches their desired weight they go on a ‘maintenance’ program where they simple learn to not eat disgusting, fat-giving foods.

You know NOTHING. Don’t front that you do.

22 11 2009
shazza

Jeez, seems Tony Ferguson diet leads to crankiness and humour loss.

23 11 2009
dizzy

wow and using hiphop slang referring to Tony Ferguson, JimC is one of THEM! I bet you try and beatbox to anyone who’ll listen? Nah, Ok, but u do wear jeans and runners, right?

20 11 2009
Shandarleeer

What about the Biggest Loser. They have the bogan trainers with tribal tatts and the bogan fatties on their “Journeys”. The only destination they reach is flogging Celebrity Slim and other miracle diets six months after they leave the show amidst tears and emotional hissy fits.

20 11 2009
betterthantheoriginalwally

Low carb diets do work pretty well. The problem with the Coke, Maccas and Krispy Kreme are the unnatural amounts of refined sugars which are carbs. It is quite faddy though, since the boges assumed that a week of bacon, eggs and cheese could have them dating footy players (or at least shagging one in a nightclub handicapped toilet).

20 11 2009
Muz

You’ll lose weight all right. You’ll just get heart disease and bowel cancer if you stick it out long enough.

20 11 2009
Muz

Nothing to say on this one Lee?

Seem to be able to refute almost every post here with an anecdote or two.

20 11 2009
Indi

Well, this is where the whole shebang collapses in on itself. Obesity, consumer culture, bizarre farming practices, car-based cities and questionable aesthetic choices.

Has anyone else had the thought that obesity is an environmental issue?

20 11 2009
Lee

@Muz, Ditto.
What is your point?

20 11 2009
coq_roq

ey Muz bro, u r too intelligent for this blog, u have too many good arguments the way id shut u up is by revving my cousins’ fully turbo charged v8 commodore to drown out the jibber jabber u r spillin all over this kik ass website.

20 11 2009
M E Nelson Esq

The huge number of new fancy diets must make it hard for the bogans to choose which one they want to do; Lemon Detox, Celebrity Slim Shakes or Lean Cuisine? Lemon Detox would have to be the favourite at the moment, only for the Tania Zaetta commercials.

In the old days it was so much easier for a bogan to diet. All they had to do was switch from having Fish & Chips and a Coke to Fish & Chips and a Diet-Coke.

20 11 2009
Michael

When is this site going to become funny?

I’ve come back a few times now just to see how far you guys are off the mark.

Thanks for visiting often, “Slavic Storm”! TBL

20 11 2009
berihebi

Bogans love a good food allergy too. I mean, they’re not the only ones (4wd private school mums talk about peanuts like they were invented by Hitler) but they do come up with some good ones. A fat bogan at work once told me about her allergies to leeks and onions. She was a bit non-committal about what the symptoms were but it seemed to involved ‘coming out in stuff and getting all head-achy’. She has no allergy to ice coffee milks though. Drinks 3 or 4 large ones of those a day.

22 11 2009
njptower

The milk is to stop osteoporosis, din ya no? and the sugar is for energy, and the coffee is to kick start the day

The best diet is the see food diet – see it, but don’t eat it

21 11 2009
TRU-BLU-OCCA

Just to confirm, NO DIET works. I come from a prodiminately large familly, being a fit 85kg my familly doesn’t seem to understand how it is I maintain my fitness, they simply put it down to me being a genetic throwback, of course eating semi-regular healthy meals and excercise has absolutely nothing to do with it. ANY dietician will tell you that there is absolutely no marketed “diet” that will be able to maintain a reasonable long term healthy life style. It’s all about the “Healthy Diet Pyramid” we all remeber that from those days at school when we could eat 4L of ice cream and a 1Kg bag of raw sugar before bed and have no significant weight issues.

21 11 2009
Lee

Spot on mate.

23 11 2009
Indi

The mysteries of proper diet and exercise! Why does it always seem to surprise people?

15 12 2009
Ben

I’m pretty sure veganism works.

22 11 2009
Sam

Here are a few more bogan dieting tips:
Swap 2L of Coke per day for 2L of orange juice
Order coleslaw side at KFC with your bucket
Use HILO milk on Cocopops or Fruit Loops

27 11 2009
Ghengis

Wouldn’t it be Diet Coke or Coke Zero (or for the unemployed one, Woolworths brand Cola, Coles is not bogan)

22 11 2009
chris of south yarra

orange juice isn’t much better its full of sugar , try water…

23 11 2009
Sam

Good stuff Chris, that knowledge makes you a non-bogan. Coleslaw has mayo and cocopops are unhealthy too you know…no matter how much hilo is poured on them.

23 11 2009
chris of south yarra

water and green tea are the only things i drink..

23 11 2009
Ironhalo

I had a hunch, but lads/ladies who make this blog….did one of you ever go by the moniker ‘The Hack?’

The writing (and subsequent humour) is definitely familiar…if it is, we’ve missed you guys!

23 11 2009
chris of south yarra

but i must say how cute is the girl on the far right mmm

23 11 2009
r.jett

what a load of crud. BMI has been known for ages as a flawed indicator of whether a person is overweight. Besides, a large percentage of Bogan’s play footy, so that would include AFL players in your statement. Hang on a second.. They’re professional atheletes. Oh dear. Holes everywhere….

23 11 2009
Sam

r.jett – can you please pass me a donut?

In all seriousness it is flawed. Especially for people over about 1.95m tall and for people with Herculean physiques like myself. However it is widely considered a very good indicator for populations overall.

Why? Because most people are not professional athletes or >1.95m tall!

24 11 2009
r.jett

That’s fine if you want to list extremities. Just accept that the BMI was created by someone not versed in anatomical sciences in 1850, and the formula doesn’t account for bone density, fluids or the difference between fat and muscle. Enough said.

25 11 2009
Kathy

BMI is a bit of a stupid indicator. I know a few people who are over BMI who eat healthily, exercise and could not be considered overweight just by looking at them.

1 02 2010
Belinda

I just love how people blame their ‘big bones’ on being overweight. I always thought skeletons were slim no matter what.

How do they explain to their family/friends years later when they do wise up and get slim? Oh… wait, they are bogans, they never need to be wrong/sorry!

An overweight friend of mine summed it up quite well once, she said “I am the perfect size 10, I just hide it away to keep it well padded and protected”.

26 11 2009
Freddo

Most of the bogans at my work live on Tony Ferguson shakes each day except for Thursday which is now officially ‘Noodle Box Day’.
The order sheet does the rounds in the morning & each time I decline sticking to my (I’ll admit boring) ‘normal’ lunch.
The woman in charge of the order sheet will without fail say to me:
‘Wot? no Noodle Box? Don’t cha like eatin’ healthy food?’

27 11 2009
Simon

Noddle box, bogan gold. Horrible mass produced shit cooked by a uni student who is getting paid 3 cents and could not care less. Just like KFC, Maccas etc. Had not thought of that one, good call Freddo.

13 12 2009
Lee

Is “Noodle Box” the same as our “Thainabox”?

3 12 2009
bogankings

Fiona of toorak and Chris of south yarra- is there anything more bogan than saying you live in an pretentious suburb when you are really from franskston. If you really lived in those areas you would know its nothing to be proud of. Keep up the good work guys you are the bogan kings.

19 12 2009
BogansBegone

How about we have a #52 – for the “other” notorious TBL , The Biggest Loser?
Surely a true Bogan series ??

8 01 2010
wiseone

I had no idea what a bogan was until reading this. I guess you learn something new everyday. What is the difference between a bogan and a red kneck? Also, I have tried weight watchers and lost over 20 kgs. It is not a diet, it is a lifestyle change. I still enjoy good food.

1 02 2010
Belinda

The difference between a bogan and red kneck (sic) is a bogan will try to add on a silent letter or change a simple word with mispelling to come off all fancy.

A redneck may not know how to read period! (tongue in cheek here)

America = redneck
Australia = bogan

You seem to fit the bogan bill well wiseone, welcome to the club lol.

1 02 2010
Belinda

hahaha FIGJAM.. try ‘misspelled’ Belinda.

Irony is never ‘lost’ on me!

25 02 2010
#93 – Spurious Allergies « Things Bogans Like

[…] fat and asthmatic, it will tell its friends that this new found obesity was due to a dysfunctional thyroid gland acquired at birth. And blame its stupid parents for giving it inferior […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: