#16 – Uninformed Gambling

2 11 2009

MELBOURNE CUP CARNIVAL SPECIAL – PT I

The bogan loves to gamble. The thrill of semi-illicit activity is an irresistible call to many, as is the social expectation that men must gamble. However, one visit to the races during a major meet will demonstrate an unambiguous failure with this theory: the bogan doesn’t know anything about horse racing. They will wander the lawns at Flemington, or Royal Randwick, wearing a newly-minted pinstripe suit with white crocodile skin shoes, carrying a form guide that they have NO IDEA HOW TO READ.

"So...number three ran wide in the 7th last Saturday...fuck it."They will then proceed to stand in the queue at the bookies, confusedly staring at the mystifying collection of letters and numbers, all the while attempting to look quite the professional punter. Upon arriving at the front of the queue, however, the bogan will invariably place $10 each way on the horse called ‘Cunning Stunt’ or ‘Golden Shower’, or some other semi-sexual double entendre.

Then, twenty minutes later, when Far Kennel comes in thirteen lengths behind the winner, they dramatically tear up their ticket, acting for all the world as though some immense equine conspiracy has robbed them of the sure thing that their extensive skills had proffered.

This is the scarcely concealed secret behind the success of gambling industries the world over. What pokies and slots are to septuagenarians, ill-informed sports betting is to the bogan. Billions of dollars are lost to these corporate behemoths as a direct result of male bogan efforts to appear smart and financially successful to their female equivalents. This, in turn, is driven by the female bogan’s (well, any bogan, really) appreciation of easy money (see future installments). And there is no easier money than the fabled professional gambler, turning over tens of thousands of dollars on the back of his sophisticated system, in syndication with other veterans of the caper. Instead, they get idiots throwing their money away, only to spend more at the bar drowning their sorrows and bemoaning the horses’ inability to get over the line. Even though it was paying $25. And the form said it was no chance.


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21 responses

2 11 2009
Jason cee

A propa bogan should have a fully blown gamblor addication by 16 and have atleast stolen 150 fowsand dollarrs from his parents, friends mums, pizza shop and the catholic church plate.
I still have my Blacktown tuxedo that i cherish on sundays when i wach tha foody.

2 11 2009
Matty H

I think the whole Melbourne cup is a giant bogan meet. Never seen so many bogans in one place, all dressed in there bogan best, the girls displaying there favorite slag tag, and half a teet. The guys are blowing there latest baby bonus on a horse that sounds “sick”, and drinking themselves into a brawl when they lose. And there leavings!! Man the rubbish left at that place after the bogans have gone home in there respective commodores and falcons, its feral, its B O G A N!

2 11 2009
Captain Fancypants from CDU

And the shoes on the lady Bogettes at the races! Of course, when the shoes come off around 3 p.m. (After the main race) it is so “Lady like” staggering with heels in one hand, and a mixed drink can (Or stolen champagne flue) in other. And the Boys wearing WHITE (or very badly colored) shoes with dark suits. What is that about?

2 11 2009
Armando

I saw one bogettes on Elizabeth st on Saturday night outside flinders st laying on the bench one leg up the other down exposing her underwear while her couture was tattered. She was passed out but i felt embarrassed for her..god knows why.

2 11 2009
jack

so anyone who is betting for the first time is a bogan…
hah that’s alot of Australians

2 11 2009
djm

How can you mention bogans and gambling without mentioning poker?

2 11 2009
Chris

Never before has the Internet summed up so neatly every criticism I have of our Australian culture today. Thanks for the laughs! I think I have a new favourite website…

4 11 2009
Kris

Me too Chris 🙂

13 12 2009
Michal

Feel the same way Chris… in fact, I hated these bogans so much… I ran away to Europe for a year! Happily living here now many, many kilometres from any bogan… and no I’m not in London, as London = bogan capital of Europe.

Actually, while London indeed has its share, there are certainly other pockets of boganism scattered throughout the ‘cultured continent’. Even worse, these bogans live in the most picturesque cities on Earth. And spend their time ignoring it all. – TBL

2 11 2009
Rae

I’m a big punter & love horse racing so it’s good to say you actually not tar everyone with the same brush just because some young dickheads rock up to the races 2 times a year & go crazy. Oh well, it’s not my money they’re losing.

2 11 2009
Rae

*a year & go crazy doesn’t mean everyone interested is a bogan, or even a ‘fuckhead’

2 11 2009
MC Eating Disorder

I am highly suspicious that there is a nag named “Alcopop” in this years race. I suspect a lucrative plant to make more money off of the race

3 11 2009
Al

A bogan, however, might know that horse racing is two words, not one like you have penned.

Good site but get a proofreader.

Touché, random grammatical pedant. Consider us proofread, and thanks! Chas.

5 11 2009
zarathrusta

australia IS the bogun country… perhaps in imitation of america

5 11 2009
Gale

I know we all get a laugh out of the bogans but you should see socialites after a David Jones store perfume launch, or similar, when the champagne has flowed freely all evening. Susan Renouf and her chums could give any bogan a run for their money!

5 11 2009
Troit

Mainstream gambling, and the horse racing industry in particular, from top to bottom, from TAB to stable-hand, is an almost unrivalled bastion of hard-core Boganity (rugby league culture is arguably a contender).

When I think of the races, I hear Michael Caton spruiking the McAngus Burger – “A liddle bit classy”. Boganity of the highest order.

I attended the races one year and an equally unsuspecting first-timer friend greeted me with the line, “Dr Boganstone, I presume.” Gambling, skirt and excessive drinking is surely some sort of Holy Trinity?

12 11 2009
Skipper

thank you for the information…..cheers

19 02 2010
Andrew

many years ago I lived at a block of flats within walking distance of Flemington Racecourse. One Melbourne Cup Day, late afternoon, I was making my way out of the building when the front gate flies open and in bursts Tyniesha, clearly drunk, bare foot, but the classy part was that she had walked all the way from Flemington Racecourse with one tit hanging out of her dress.

Well I guess it’s more elegant than having both tits out. Leaves the guys wanting more

30 06 2010
#153 – The Casino « Things Bogans Like

[…] the bogan can apply its skills as an uninformed gambler to its heart’s content, on a variety of games, from cards, to spinning wheels, to computers with […]

30 12 2010
Ash - Maxxtreme To The Maxx

I gamble on anything and everything except horses, cause I don’t know anything about them.

30 12 2010
Dampabat

Less you know the better.

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