Things Bogans Like

We were wrong.

When we first started Things Bogans Like, we figured that a few cheap shots at Ed Hardy would be appropriate. After, all, we could see, firsthand, the encroachment of Ed Hardy replacing the briefly-flaming Von Dutch as the nouveau bogue uniform of choice. We witnessed the incidences of garishly dressed folk stalking what are quaintly referred to by local police as ‘nightclub precincts’ in all major cities of Australia. This, despite the best efforts of governments who have tried to ban alcohol from all venues that have tigers painted on the walls.

But we have made a discovery. We were wrong. Ed Hardy is no mere clothing line. Little did we know the staggering branding juggernaut that Ed Hardy had rapidly become.

Ed Hardy is a bowling alley. It is a vodka. It is a perfume. It is – wait for it – an energy drink. Bogans, it seems, simply cannot get enough Ed Hardy. Not satisfied with strange clothes, the bogan now, after a day at the gym or tanning salon, wants nothing more than heading down to the Ed Hardy bowling alley. It will play a few games while putting away a few HardyBombs (it bears mentioning at this point that, because of the equally successful branding attached to Jagerbombs, all bogan alcoholic drinks must now be an explosive of some kind) before heading next door to listen to cover bands pump out the latest tune by Kings of Leon at the ‘Rock’ Bar.

This is true inspiration on the part of the evil geniuses at Ed Hardy. A vodka and an energy drink. All with brightly coloured tigers splashed on every available square inch of packaging. But it gets better – the energy drink is marketed as a ‘celebrity energy drink’. Wait…that noise you just heard was the sound of about 200,000 bogans simultaneously soiling themselves in quivering excitement at the sheer notion of a celebrity energy drink (in massive cans) with colourful tigers.

But it doesn’t end there. With bogans, it never, ever, does. Ed Hardy also lend their name to beer, wine, baby clothes, snowboards, motorbike helmets, watches, an air freshener, iPhone covers, car seat covers, handbags, sheets, towels, a cologne, pet accessories, sunglasses, hookahs (seriously), tobacco (for the hookahs – including the forthcoming ‘Pirate’s Cave’ flavour!), lanyards, stubby holders, cigarette lighters, luggage, stationery, computers and computer cases, acrylic nails, gumboots, tanning lotion, ugg boots, umbrellas, wallets and purses, greeting cards, guitars (acoustic and electric), bowling bags (mandatory at the bowling bar), shower curtains, curling irons and hair straighteners, calendars and ski goggles. All covered with the skulls and cartoon evil that makes the bogan feel simultaneously tough and cutting edge.

The bogan, wanting to be ahead of the game that everyone else is playing, is on a mission to drape itself in as much Ed Hardy merchandise as possible, in much the same way they will buy up Kings of Leon’s old albums, in an effort to tie themselves to a band they were aware of only three weeks prior.

The spread of Ed Hardy may not ever end. Or, more likely, the bogan will grow weary of Ed Hardy, particularly when the nascent move of bogans into the flannel/country shirt spreads, making the overt garishness of horned, flaming animals suddenly tasteless in bogan eyes. Thus, flannel shirts will start coming in bright orange. And the cycle begins anew, as Mr Audigier looks to the next foregone cultural trend to pilfer.