#217 – Driving Like a Fucking Idiot

7 03 2011

It’s a pleasant Sunday afternoon, and the good citizens of Australia are out on the freeways. Some are on the way to or from visiting family, some are coming back from the beach, or from doing a grocery shop. In the stream are trucks and taxis, sedans, hatchbacks and SUVs. A driver sees another car indicating, and then eases off the accelerator to give them space. The other driver gives a friendly wave as she changes lanes. The children in the back seat natter and coo, and the Garfield doll on the rear window swings whimsically to and fro. The tiled rooves of suburbia dash past in the afternoon glare. All is well in the world.

Enter the bogan.

Ambulances, fire trucks and police vehicles have sirens to warn other motorists that they are coming. Today, the bogan is using its own special siren. It goes “unce, unce, unce”. 1.2 tonnes of steel, glass and racist bumper stickers swerve erratically. The bogan at the wheel sucks on a ciggy, and in its mind, it is the most maxtreme stunt driver ever. It sees a sliver of sunlight appear between two cars, and veers unannounced through the gap, tyres howling, aiming for the statistically negligible possibility of arriving two and a half minutes earlier than it would have otherwise. In the bogan mind, every road object presents a driving challenge: a pair of cars become a chicane, a red light a game of chicken. And when a bogan is unable to run the red light due to a line of perpendicular traffic, it will quickly assess the car next to it for a potential drag race when the light goes green. This sort of  behaviour ensures that when the bogan is behind the wheel, its first priority is the endangerment not only of itself and its passengers, but also every other road user and stray marsupial in the vicinity.

The bogan will tell you that it is a good driver. As evidence for this, it will offer up its ability to depress its accelerator pedal. As such, the needle of its speedometer serves as an exact gauge of its driving expertise. Whether picking up the kids, doing the shopping or coming back smashed from the glassing barn, the bogan will channel the only stunt driver it considers to have the requisite mad skills, The Stig, and imagine it is one of the famous people who have graced Top Gear’s celebrity wall. Unable to contain its need for maxtremity, the bogan sees any road as its own elaborate race track, designed solely for its clumsily executed, life-threatening manoeuvres.

Of course, such behaviour often puts the bogan on a literal and metaphorical collision course with other road users and, inevitably, the police. Rarely one to take responsibility for its own actions, the bogan is nevertheless highly critical of others’ actions, and is sure to engage its horn at the slightest provocation. And naturally, the bogan is only ever seconds away from an episode or road rage. But when it is booked for speeding, road raging, or going around roundabouts on two wheels, the bogan will engage its outrage gland and fulminate about such high-minded political subjects as “revenue raising” and “the nanny state”. The Trashmedia Kraken is behind the bogan on this.

In defence of the bogan’s perceived right to drive like an idiot, the Kraken has decided to reveal to the bogan the exact location of every single speeding camera, going so far as to give it regular updates throughout the day via one of its multitudinous tentacles. Thus, it can provide the bogan with fair warning on when to momentarily observe the road laws, before careening off into the distance. In what is a testament to the bogan’s impulsiveness and endemic stupidity, the speeding fines continue to appear in its letterbox.


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575 responses

7 03 2011
Kimba

Thankyou TBL, I’ve been waiting for this one for a long time. My hatred of these irresponsible f@#kwits knows no bounds.

18 06 2011
Agreeance

Surely, hidden somewhere in the ABS archives, are the stats for how many road fatalities are caused by bogans and their Mediterranean siblings (is there a word for them? I mean, a non “rascist” word). Can’t imagine it’s anything less than 90%.

7 03 2011
thomasr

I have a sub genre of bogan driver who needs to be feared more than any other:

The high visibility vest wearing shitbox driver.

He works early, so you may miss his morning antics, but you won’t miss him on the way home. after a hard day at the warehouse/factory, he piles his ample girth into a shitty hyundai excel or similar and drives as if the high vis vest/jacket he’s wearing will ensure that no one misses his Stig-like antics.

7 03 2011
Vviv2

Never forgetting Thomasr, first stop on the homeward raceway is the closest glassing barn drive though for the requisite 2 cans of Beam it is allowed to consume, without having to concern itself about any stray RBT units.

11 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

…half an hour later balancing a bong on the lower arc of the steering wheel with its lips as it tries to manipulate a box of matches and pull cones whilst piloting the Work Truck up an on ramp for some freeway to the ‘burbs.

(I like your new outfit.)

11 03 2011
Vviv2

*blushes* Why thank you sir…..

7 03 2011
GForce

I see this one a lot! I’m on road by 5am and they’re everywhere. Running red lights is their passion along with the usual tailgating, not indicating etc.
It’s mandatory to have only one headlight working (the high vis jacket & a ciggie is the substitute for the broken one) and more often than not, no tail lights/brake lights at all.

8 03 2011
kingoath ray

Knew a bogan who would happily straddle the centre line on suburban roads or highways, solely for amusement and to laugh at the traffic piled up behind. Used to loudly boast of this behaviour (yes a classic sign of the species) however the justification was:

‘I pay me fuckin rego!’

-cue glassing if you tried to argue with this-

Also, high-vis old mates at 5am are fuelled by big cans of mother and a variety of re-heated bowel-cramping horrors from the servo pie warmer. Daily trips to the servo occur for obvious reasons

23 03 2011
Willard

One can’t be certain that he (or she) is on their way home from the warehouse or factory. I swear that bogans buy high visibility vests purely as a fashion statement.

7 03 2011
ozFinn

I have often found that the worst of the worst when it comes to drivers are the bogans who have the “Baby on Board” stickers in the back window…
Apparently it means driving the wrong way down a one-way street is fine.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Yep Oz, baby on board also means “I drive like a retarded squirrel”.

7 03 2011
p'bee

i spent a year in canada and saw some pretty manic squirrels (ever tried herding a frightened sugar-high squirrel out of a building?) and i think that yes, for some bogans, the comparison is pretty apt.

7 03 2011
chris

You can buy personalised ones now, so the whole world knows that little Brayedunn is on board. Boganity squared.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

…as if the world cares what the bogan crotch-dropping is named= bogan narcissism.

11 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

personalised Squirrels?

7 03 2011
graeme

‘The children in the back seat natter and coo, and the Garfield doll on the rear window swings whimsically to and fro. The tiled rooves of suburbia dash past in the afternoon glare. All is well in the world.’ ……..this sounds like pure Boganism of itself to me.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

I concur

7 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Boganism of the noice middle-class variety, with its regular bowel movements and just-as-mindless conformity as the more obnoxious bogue webel.

Until the said webel-webel—the type who insists on having dead grass in a street otherwise verdant in exactly the same Sir Walter—shatters the mind-numbing peace with their mind-aching stupidity.

One thing worse than a mindless conformist consumer bogan is a mindless conformist consumer bogan who thinks it’s defying society via acts of idiocy!

14 09 2012
Campin'Cathy

rooves…bogan

7 03 2011
michael

2nd

7 03 2011
ForwardSlash

Oh this is brilliant. The car of choice for these morons is the commodore and they have this habit of tail gating you when you are doing the speed limit. If you don’t allow them to over take they then put others lives at risk by trying to swerve in and out of traffic without bothering to indicate. All so they can be at the front of the pack. The amount of P platers who are little junior bogans do this a lot..i guess when they see their 36 year old dad do it then..

And if you drive a non Australian car you are nothing but a slimy piece of crap to the commodore driver. And we wonder why the road toll is so high as 9 times out of 10 its some bogan doing something stupid and taking an innocent life with him. And what can be said about the SUV driver that hasn’t already been said?

7 03 2011
D

But then they proceed to put a chevy badge on said car….

8 03 2011
XXX

A few years ago, I was doing the regulation 40 kph in the school zone when two P plater bogans decided sit right up my arse and try to intimidate me into increasing my speed. I put my foot on the brake to indicate my displeasure, when they sped around me with fingers saluting out the window and going way over 40 kph. I rang the local police with the registration number because this is a pretty regular occurence in the school zones around Boronia. The police rang the number attached to the licence plate and it actually belonged to the young bogan’s employer!!!!!! He was not exactly overjoyed at what his employee’s had been up to and told the police that he would give them a talking to when they got back! I don’t normally ring the police whenever some driver annoys me, but these two idiots just went way over the top this day and I decided to take it further!

23 03 2011
Willard

That’s brilliant! There is justice in this world then.

7 03 2011
Maureen

How about when you stop for an amber light and they overtake you and run it. That really shits me. And then inevitably you catch up with them at the next red light

7 03 2011
Fiona of Carlton (nee Balwyn)

I love when that happens! I always lean over and give them a little wave when we end up side-by-side at the next lights!

I also love blocking bogans who instead of merging with everyone else will drive right to the end of the lane and then force their way in front of you.
Not me chump!

7 03 2011
smithcorp

Actually Fiona, they may not all be bogans intent on being arseholes. Merging too early actually reduces the capacity of the road and slows everyone down – ideally merging should take place right at the front of the queue (makes best use of that two lanes of capacity before it gets down to one), but this depends on drivers merging one for one without deliberate cock-blocking.

In the bogan world, letting a car in front of you is a failure in a complex game of vehicular superiority, so now people merge as early as possible, knowing that they won’t be able to rely on courtesy, consideration, or an understanding of the wider benefits of a small personal act of kindness.

Thus the whole stream of traffic, bogans included, is further impeded because 100m of lane is left empty.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

They don’t know how to merge. How many times do you sit in a merging lane (entering traffic) behind someone who has stopped at the start of the lane/ramp? I don’t know who is doing the training and the testing if these people don’t have the skills or capacity to merge??

8 03 2011
XXX

The left lane never ends. That is the rule according to police friends of mine, so the left lane has right of way.

8 03 2011
James Hunter

xxx,
Sometime.
The determining factor is wheather the highway edge marking runs straight through or if the on ramp and the left lane are continuous. the third often seen at tops of hills is where the left lane markings stop then the parties are expected to take it in turns.
all contingent on people comming off the on ramp at freeway speed.

7 03 2011
Will S

I have found that drivers in Sydney and Melbourne can merge ok, but anywhere else they have no idea. Wherever there’s a double right turn lane around here, people will fill up the far right one until it’s overflowing back onto the road and leave the left most one empty, it’s weird.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

In Adelaide only weak carnts allow others to merge. If you indicate your intention to merge or change lanes the 59 chevydores behind you will speed up to ensure you have no hope.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Sounds like the Coast.

8 03 2011
Lucky Star

Agreed Will S. In Perth, no one on the freeway seems to have any concept of how to merge. It’s bedlam. So when we go to Victoria to see my family we’re gobsmacked when we see people on the freeways merging smoothly. It’s more of an organised bedlam, and everyone seems so much more polite.

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

When signalised entry ramps are introduced to Perth freeways (whereby one or two cars at a time are introduced to the gaps in peak hour conditions), the majority of motorists here will be bamboozled by this novel (yet strangely effective) concept.

Agreed about merging; Perth drivers are also lousy with indicating, tailgate frightfully close and undertake (i.e. passing on the left).

7 03 2011
Daniel

Being the “celebrity driver” on Top Gear, a combination of enjoying celebrity status and getting to drive at speed, the crux of bogan aspirations.

7 03 2011
jaydyn

plenty of bougues on the road in euros, japanese cars, and even little ‘hot’ hatches, doing stupid stuff on the roads…

7 03 2011
spewy

The bougette in a enormous 4WD simultaneously doing her makeup and talking on the phone whilst tailgating you within an inch of your life are the worst.

7 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

That’s why they call those urban assault vehicles Mumma Hummers.

Often loaded up with the other Mumma Hummers, the off-road styled strollers for their yooneeklee-named loinfruits.

7 03 2011
Mick

What does frighten them is a bloke, who’s name may or may not be Mick, in a 20-year-old ute. These soccer mummys and wannabe Milfs get rather distressed when they realise that the guy in the old car isn’t impressed by their giant urban assault vehicle and lack of courtesy, and is gonna merge anyhow. Who cares about the odd dent.

The obscene spray will be followed up by a call to Dazza about the ingorant carrnt who took HER spot on the road.

7 03 2011
Mick

Bloody grammar and spelling crimes. I really should read before posting.

*walks under front of 4WD*

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Can also be the immigrant curry/coconut driving the beat up Commodore who fears no Mumma Humma.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I fear no mumma humma and I drive a Toyota Echo! Mumma Hummas are all bluff, and I call it. If a bogan needs to enclose itself in that much steel, it is ultimately a coward.

8 03 2011
Boneidle

Those expensive mummahummas are also expensive to insure. Some little scratches on the paintwork may add up to beaucoup dollars, an insurance claim and consequential increase in premium.

Mummahummas are used to transfer darliebogues 100 metres to skool where the art of double park, park across school crossing or on double lines is the norm.

8 03 2011
AlyssaKT

followed by almost running over own darliebogues in haste to take off to fetch morning Mother and ciggies

8 03 2011
barkeep @ ye olde glassing barn

Ahh my favorite.
The awsomeness of your bogue child is directly relational to how close you can drop them off at school.
Walking from home or parking a road away from the school and walking is not an option. You have to join the extended car park queue that is spilling out on to the road/ double park / park on corners all in the name of proximity. Never minding that the 5m distance they now have to walk to school is the 5m most fraught with danger, because of the actions of the SUV’s who are lucky enough to have already dropped off little Alaskyya and are heading back out at top speed.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Fat little bogues who get no exercise.

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Don’t forget stopping in the bus park or actually on the crossing to the school whilst abusing Jaiden who has crossing monitor duty that day.

8 03 2011
Sammy

Ash – immigrant curry/coconut/banana carnts don’t drive Commodores you idiot! They only drive beat up Camrys!!

7 03 2011
Gorey

In the days when I used to drive to work, I would set the cruise control for the freeway speed limit. The only vehicles that passed me were utes with Southern Cross stickers and the occasional 4WD with some sort of tradie slogan on it. One day there was an unannounced speed trap. The side of the road looked like a sales yard for used commercial vehicles.

7 03 2011
that wanker

So why don’t you drive to work anymore?

7 03 2011
Pendant

My absolute pet hate. Of all the things the bogan does, the active endangerment of innocent lives is the instance where I would pray for just the slightest amount of self-awareness. Of course, it never comes, and so often it is the non-bogue who pays the price.

7 03 2011
JimC

I had a job for a frwew months that unfortunately put me on the same road as a fleet of bogans going to ‘the moins’ to pay for the 122 inch 3D TV they just bought for Jaydin’s room.

And I have to say, it was like being in fucking DEATH RACE 2000. It was like competition to see who could do the most tail-gating, cutting-off and over-taking of any vehicle (such as mine) that had the nerve to NOT have a large gothic font sticker on the back window proclaiming some vapid bogue-approved platitude.

And don’t get me started on the bogans’ need to have their high beams at all times.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

“Unit” stickers, JetPilot, and “Justify Your Existence”?

16 05 2011
Ahlyeezshkah

One of my rellies works at the mines and also started driving the bus. Being of the older and less narcissistic persuasion he drives at the speed limit. He had to quit because he was sick of getting stuff thrown at him and the verbal abuse from the bogan’s on their way to the moines who wanted him to “hurry the fuck up”.

7 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Yes, here in Sunny Perth, the car culture reigns supreme: we have the highest car ownership out of any Australian capital per capita, had the first freeway and still have reasonably priced city parking provided by the Perth City Council.

Thus it’s of no surprise that here also exists, in vast numbers, an obnoxious type of motorist, of which are often within the same demographic as the CUB and NaB.

They execute many manoeuvres that exhibit their madd drivin’ skilz: the best one is the Undertaker, which in other words is passing on the left (the opposite of overtaking, being on the right). This sort of move is highly illegal on German Autobahnen, of which country the bogue of exotic taste would love to visit (only for that and Oktoberfest, combining its love of drinking and driving together), as is their other specialist technique, communicating to the driver ahead of them via tailgating and/or flashing high beams prior to passing, which though common practice in Perth, would be considered as coercion in German road law and be subject to loss of licence and prison, so frowned upon this is.

And when the bogue’s madd drivin’ skilz have finally hit their limit—which isn’t that high a ceiling, given that the WA road toll has basically stayed flat as a rate of deaths per million (which means it’s increased slightly, despite increasing safety of cars and roads)—they would just hit-and-run from the site of an accident they caused. Again, this attitude would find them deported on the first QF flight out of Frankfurt (if not putting their arse in stir), because German motorists have a duty of rescue and ad the first one present, must render whatever assistance necessary to another motorist in need, whether or not it was a result of an accident, thus all German motorists compulsorily learn first aid. The average bogan would struggle with their ABCs, never mind their DRABCD (of which their self-interest and fear of litigation would prevent them from learning).

Finally, the other aspect of driving Perth motorists have an uncanny ability to do is not signal their intentions…well, with that funny little stalk on the side of their steering wheel that isn’t for the windscreen wipers anyway! Instead, like the olden days, when Holden 48-215s didn’t have indicators, the bogan uses their hands to signal to other road users, executing intricate manoeuvres like The Bird, The Lateral Throat Section and the elegantly simple The Fist.

Again, the bogan feels its Aussie ingenuity would be appreciated being exported abroad for all the world to see…hmm, I can see them applying a demonstration of these novel techniques to bring some good ol’ Australian orderliness to chaotic Balinese roads, only to be paid thanks by the Indonesian authorities with a complimentary stay in the local gaol, without even a chance to bang that hottie Schappelle, of whom they’re sure would appreciate a taste of BBQ sausage, Aussie Style…

7 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

What makes me think that the sausage you’re on about BO’T is not the one you cook on a BBQ?

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

I’m sure if one deigned to let Ms Corby grill or smoke their sausage, I’m certain it’ll feel like it’s been barbecued, not to mention acquiring a sharp flavour!

8 03 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

LOL. Is this for real?

http://www.schapellecorbytours.com/

12 03 2011
Boneidle

Trust an enterprising North Sumateran Batak to get on on the action.

7 03 2011
Vviv2

WOW! I think I’m in lurve! :-D

8 03 2011
BlindSquirrel

I’m with you on the lack of indicator use for swapping lanes, but bogans shouldn’t get the chance to undertake; cars should keep generally left unless overtaking or turning right up ahead.
In Europe flashing one’s lights behind the car in front is politely asking to let one pass, it is illegal here (considered road rage).

My personal annoyment is motorists (usually not bogan) who need to turn onto a multi-lane road and turn right from it a kilometre away. They will wait until the far lane and all up to there are empty before budging – they should know that you can make your way across a few lanes of traffic in a couple of hundred metres in all but the most gridlocked of traffic.

I’m in Perth too BTW.

8 03 2011
AlyssaKT

yep, people who can’t change lanes are a hazard on the roads – I know the ones you mean. Or they get into the right lane 10km ahead of when they need to turn – can’t risk doing it later!

If flashing lights at the car in front is illegal, it’s not enforced. Flashing lights is common practice in Europe to tell people who are entering traffic ahead that you see them and they can come out ahead of you.
Are you sure you don’t mean flashing your lights to oncoming drivers to warn them of police ahead? That’s illegal

8 03 2011
BlindSquirrel

I may be wrong but I’m under the impression that there is no legal use for flashing your lights in Australia.

10 03 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Truck drivers always flash their lights to each other as a professional courtesy, to signal each other to come onto a roundabout or enter traffic in front of them.

16 12 2011
Billy Bob Buckshee

That is so true it shits me no end, and they aren’t bogans, the bogan doesn’t wait to merge thats for faggotts they accellerate and go for it. Same with undertaking I admit I do it all the time because useless f*cks have to hog the right lane. I find that the biggest menace is the lebbo/ elephant jockey/ sand nigger group they are an abomination and should be deported immediately thus creating more room on the road for the good old aussie hoon. Hoons come from all social standing and are not necessisarily of full on bogan, quite often beamers and other expensive euro shit are driven to gay abandon on our roads by idiots who the plebs of this site think they belong in

10 03 2011
scottanaxtgrnd

Actually flashing your high beam to people ahead of you in the overtaking lane is a part of normal driving practivce on the autobahns. It means I’m on my way through please move left (right) and to NOT move over and let the person pass is what will get you fined for coercion. Me thinks many on here would be avid overtaking lane(right lane) sitters, sniggering at the ‘bogan’behind them trying to pass.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

Great post, we’ve been waiting a long time for this one, TBL.

However, the police actively encourage that the media do inform the bogans of the mobile speed cameras, for the same reason they clearly sign fixed cameras; they are set up in known danger areas and they want everyone to slow down. You can argue that the dickheads should be caught (I agree) but if they at least slow down in that area it is a small victory for everyone’s safety.

Also, the courtesy wave seems to be dying out – and it’s not just typical bogans who are guilty of failing to practice it. It does disappoint and anger me when I go out of my way to let someone in and they don’t show any appreciation. It’s not difficult to be polite and gracious. Your wave will also encourage the person who let you in to do it again for the next person.

7 03 2011
The Man With No Name...Zapp Brannigan

<>

It’s a small gesture that goes a long way.
I drive along the same roads at pretty much the same time every day. So I can actually recognise and remember the drivers who didn’t wave ‘thanks’. I don’t make any special effort – the rude and inconsiderate just have a way of standing out

7 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

I’m a big proponent of the courtesy wave. It irks me when I don’t get it, even when I’m holding up a line of traffic for some moron in a Chevrodore/BMW/rustbucket exiting the local service station. There should be a handbook on the unwritten rules of the road…sounds contradictory but some things need to be spelt out for people. It’s a speed limit, not a recommendation…

Hate the following as well:

“turn first, indicate later”

“indicate for half a flash”

“tailgating so close, you can read the details of the offending rego sticker clearly (if it does so exist), especially if you’re doing 80 in an 80 zone”

“swerving in and out of traffic lanes like a slalom skier for an open break”

Seriously, all you have to do it keep to the speed limit and scan ahead. I do it as a challenge when some idiot tries to challenge me on the road. 9/10 times I stay ahead of them by sticking to the rules and using all the senses at the same time; multitasking: something bogans hate.

7 03 2011
chris

The wave should be mandatory. Two demerit points for missing a wave.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

Yep, you can tell they’re about to turn because they start crossing over into the other lane a few times while they “check their blind spot” (and nearly run over a motorcyclist) then finally change lanes and indicate after they’ve done it.
When I was learning to drive my mum said to me “you don’t indicate to turn the wheel” (you do it to tell other drivers what you’re about to do). Amazing how few realise this.

Another thing that makes me laugh though is when people indicate to go around a corner they had no choice about (road ends, road naturally curves around a bend etc.). Haha. Idiots.

8 03 2011
brad

maybe where your from speed cameras are set up in known danger areas.The scam mock-up on tbl’s post today to me is more a reflection of a frustrated public sick of being disproportionatly penalised for a slight misdemeanor rather than the act of some moronic bogan.

25 03 2011
The Real Worl

It’s not a slight misdemeanor, it’s a crime which increases the risk of accident or death to you and those around you.

I have exactly zero patience for anyone who complains about speed cameras. If you’re following the law you’ve got nothing to whinge about.

If you think the speed limits are too low for you, you can always lobby the RTA/State/Federal government to get the speed upgraded. Can’t be arsed? Then stop bitching.

25 03 2011
AlyssaKT

Exactly!

16 05 2011
Middle of Nowhere

Wrong! Real Worl and AlyssaKT.

To get a fine for 103 in a 100 zone and to find out your spedometer meets Aus Design Rules of +/-10% and as such reads 100 when you are actually doing 104km/h means you have now been fined when you honestly thought you were doing 99 and apparently no-one is to blame… “just suck it up and live with it” does not make you happier and neither do ill informed people who “Assume” all people driving faster than them are speeders. Spending $490 to “fix” the company car speedo that met design standards on top of the fine just makes it all the worse!

Case in point:-
A ’10 Holden Cruise – Indicated speed 100km/h Actual 92km/h
A ’06 Nissan Navara – Indicated speed 100kh/h Actual 103km/h

Difference = 11km/h – Cruise driver thinks Fairmont driver is a speeding menace of a hoon, Fairmont driver thinks Cruise driver is a pathetic snail pace hazard doing 90km/h in right hand lane….. I can use these examples as BOTH cars belong to the same household and after GPS checking the Cruise driver knows that not everyone who passed her in the last year was a maniac criminal and the Fairmont driver may avoid a fine by mentally adjusting his indicated speed.

Think before making the assumtion that ONLY YOU are right…. the other person may also know they are only right as well and you are wrong…….. and ultimately you may BOTH be wrong! I have found I get less frustrated when I actually think about what the other person may be thinking….. even if at times all I can come up with is “He thinks he’s bloody Michael Schmacker”!!

11 03 2011
Bogue-curious

Hello,
I am an American who lives in Ocean Grove, a surfy satellite of greater bogan Geelong. The courtesy wave is pretty strong down here, and it is actually the bogan tradies who do it the most.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

In Adelaide the worst, most aggressive and dangerous driver is

Ta da The Cement Truck Driver. Speeding, tail gating, playing how close to the cyclist can we get is all in a days work for these numbnuts. Curiously the slowest, least decisive and least likely to signal is the Taxi Driver. They drive for a job and all seem to be baffled by road rules and the actual mechanics of driving.

Finally, all SUV’s should be banned, nothing less.

7 03 2011
shane from smithfield

youse poofta pushbike riders dont pay rego and tax n stuff and ya wear that poofta lycra shit. why cant ya wear normal stuff like crows shirts and stuff with lowndsie on it. i got stuck behind youse carnts on saturday morning and i got to maccas two minuets late and they stoped serving brekie. NOT HAPPY. so i smoked up the commodore and let yas have it lol

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

So that was you Shane. Suck sh*t on missing brecky.

7 03 2011
shane from smithfield

yas carnt even aford a car, lolz

7 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

The funny thing is that most road bikes rival some cars for price these days…

7 03 2011
shane from smithfield

i dont thinkso mate I spent $20,000 doing up the VN i even put a new carport on the side of the house to keep the sun of the mad paint job but the housing trust pooftas are making me take it down.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’m going to put a Chevy badge on my Daccordi!

7 03 2011
chris

While you’re at it, why don’t you just stick a “F*ck off we’re full” sticker on it as well. It ain’t gonna happen, fella.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’m going to get a jersy printed that says “I don’t pay rego on my bike, sucked in”.

How do you reckon that will go?

7 03 2011
chris

On Adelaide roads? I think that would count as “extreme sports”. Just make sure you throw a few misspellings and apostrophes in there so Bogie can understand it.

7 03 2011
Tone

If I ever want to commit suicide, I’d wear one of Simon’s jersey whilst riding around Lizbef.

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Simon, you’re an idiot.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Sankyou!

8 03 2011
Mr Q

Well if it was WA, I’d say there’s no danger in wearing a shirt like that – none of the drivers in this state are capable of actually seeing a cyclist, let alone what’s written on their shirt (nearly got knocked off my bike this morning by a fembogue who turned across me into a driveway).

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Q, Perth drivers do have a reputation of being bad with cyclists. Adelaide has a higher % of cyclists so we get a bit more tolerence (as long as you steer clear of particular bogan hotspots).

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I get to work earlier when I ride than when I drive. LOL I beat the cars and the dunnydores and all those suckers using fuel and paying taxes!! Oh, except there aren’t many dunnydores at 8 in the morning cuz they’re all in bed or had to start their hot, dusty, low-paid labourer’s job at 5:30…

7 03 2011
Vviv2

Seconded!

8 03 2011
Vviv2

Oops! Was seconding the banning of SUVs, not Simon’s mental capacity….

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Agree on 4WDs (I refuse to call them by the American term). My darling mum drives one and no matter what I say, she refuses to understand the dangers that riding over the rest of the mere common traffic like a queen brings.

7 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Subtle difference between 4WD and the SUV, which in reality is an entirely new class of vehicle which only truly emerged in the mid 1990s.

Exhibit A: 4WD, Land Rover Defender. These are true fourbies with ample offroad dexterity, all the while being Spartan in appointment and a pig of a thing to drive onroad. Also q.v. Toyota Land Cruiser 70 Series.

Exhibit B: SUV, Range Rover Sport. Notionally, it has much of the capabilities of the rest of the Land Rover Range, but is the most compromised, with low-profile rubber and a supercharged petrol V8 with 15 L/100 km, this is all about being a blingy showpony…heck, even the baby shandy-landy, the Freelander, is a better bet on the rough stuff. Strictly for Hip-Hop stars and real estate agents who think they’re playas. Also q.v. Lexus LX570, which is an even lardier version of the already bloated and porky Sand Bruiser 200 Series.

7 03 2011
spewy

Thanks for the clarification. Still hate the american name though.

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

It was a niche created by Seppos, originally for their market, but like American cultural imperialism is, the rest of the world aped them both in acquiring said Sports Utility Vehicles and naming them such.

Given that these conveyances were originally a Yank phenomenon, I have no problem using SUV, for it’s a term of derision as far as I’m concerned.

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

OK, I’m very guilty of this so I won’t say much – but that said, I at least attempt to show courtesy to other drivers when I’m not hooning around with my stereo blasting out.

7 03 2011
martin

Me too, except for the doof music I had real music. Then I got sick of paying speeding fines so I stopped and haven’t had one for nearly ten years. It’s no fun in an auto anyway. I very rarely see any hoons anymore, I think the ease with which one can lose their p’s and all the speeding cameras have stopped it a lot.

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

What doof music? It’s Dropkick Murphys, Pennywise and Gaslight Anthem all day in my car.

7 03 2011
martin

It said “unce, unce, unce” in the main article. Wasn’t accusing you of bad taste.

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

TISM, as almost always, were prescient enough to have song lamenting doof-doof music back in 1998 called, oddly enough, “Untz… Untz… Untz… Untz…”.

“150 BPM, and loud enough to deafen them,
Baseball cap, Adidas, the complete outfit.”

8 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

How do they keep culturally relevant? TISM are amazing: poor driving and St Kilda FC in the clip; and what have we been talking about recently? They’re like Nostradamus…in balaclavas.

11 03 2011
jaydyn

**Second time**

Here it is… from my collections

*
They saw me looking at them strange,
“get fucked” they mouthed,
fingers up.
*
gets me everytime

11 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Ha, you gotta laugh…

14 03 2011
Rob

UberBogan News Flash!
Bassendean, Western Australia, now!
15 year old unlicensed boguette in mothers 4WD/SUV runs into bus load of Islamic schoolgirls. No injuries, fortunately.
Oh, the irony of it all.

15 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Glad the kids weren’t hurt.

7 03 2011
p'bee

part of the reason i’ve avoided getting my licence so far is i don’t want to have to be making driving decisions based on the actions of over-testosteroned bogans who see their cars as proof of their manhood.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Or compensation for their lack of. That’s the real matter.

7 03 2011
spewy

When did 4WD’s turn into SUV’s? I was out of the country for several years and missed the change.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

when everyone apparently accepted that we’ve become Americanized (see, I even used a Z instead of an S there… sigh)

7 03 2011
ForwardSlash

Have you seen the state of Australian TV atm? The other night all FTA commercial stations had american crap showing. I honestly thought i was in the states. And the shows were re runs of re runs that are not even shown on TV.

I wonder if American broadcasters show non stop re runs of australian content..no i didnt think so.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

What about these new channels that just run Seinfeld, Mork and Mindy, The Brady Bunch, Mash etc.? And people are watching because there’s really nothing better on!!

7 03 2011
ForwardSlash

Yeah and it’s like on loop – they start all over again at midnight showing what they did earlier in the day. These shows are horrible and offer nothing..especially the brady bunch and the bloody love boat.

At least with mork and mindy you get see a Robyn Williams all coked up and in his early beginnings.

And then they try to convince the stupid viewer that programs like “The Office” are new when they are only showing the last end of season 5.

The reason why i tuned in was because i was doing a study on how much local content is shown on FTA. So far it’s the usual crap like outdated soapies or crime related shows with a sprinkling of advertorial shows. 20 to 1 should not even be considered local content!

Such a sad state of affairs.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

I love Robin and always loved that show.
Watching it last week was a mistake though – I should have let it be. It sucked.

7 03 2011
chris

If that “z” comes out again, AKT, it’s a glassing.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

haha – do you pronounce it Zee or Zed?

7 03 2011
shane from smithfield

I prefer not to pronounce it at all. :-D

7 03 2011
chris

Oh crap! Busted! I forgot who I was posting as.

7 03 2011
Pandabater

Don’t go all dotty now.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Suburban Ussalt Vehicles, kind of different to 4wd as they are useless offroad and simply used by mum bogues to pad their shallow ego.

7 03 2011
Le-a

Things Bogans Like – Any opportunity that arises and allows them to harp on about “that time when they were overseas.”

7 03 2011
Vacuous

I actually don’t begrudge anyone for relating their travels. Anything that promotes experiential purchases rather than material ones is a plus in my book.

7 03 2011
Tom

Generally I would agree with you, but to call bogan travel ‘experiential’ is pushing it. Most of them do exactly what they would be doing at home – getting rugby league drunk – in the drinking establishments of foreign lands (and then wax lyrical about how cheap the beer is compared to Australia).

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I engaged in some of this when I went through Europe last year, but I also sought to take in the local history and culture as well as just enjoying the sights and sounds. Bogans do none of those.

8 03 2011
Vacuous

True enough. Thankfully these people are easily identifiable when abroad, so you can quickly exercise the local version of “Sorry, I don’t speak English” when one of them comes up to you.

People are allowed to relate their travels, and I have no problem with it. However, like any conversation, if the only anecdotes supplied are how drunk they got, who they offended or what they stuck their cock in, the discussion ends pretty quickly.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I call ‘em SUVs when it’s clear the car will never go off-road. My husband and I went 4WDriving on Fraser Island, and there were only Land Cruisers, Hiluxes, Suzuki hire 4WDs and the odd Xtrail. No Santa Fe, no BMW, Hyundai, or any other 4WD in black or silver. Those ones are designed to be bogan buses, nothing more, even though they may have 4WD capability and therefore burn more fossil fuel, thus feeding into the bogan’s world view.

11 03 2011
$hruglife

When they stopped actually having 4WD but remained the same gargantuan size.

11 03 2011
devil's advocate

I also prefer the term SUV because as an avid four-wheel drive enthusiast, I deplore the fact that what is a legitimate technology to be deployed in small sports coupes has been co-opted by the toorak tractor brigade.

11 03 2011
Flyslip

I was out of the country from 2002-2003, spewy, and it seemed to have happened in the thirteen-month period I was away.

That said, I’m in Brisbane, and the humidity makes us pretty slow up here.

7 03 2011
betterthantheoriginalwally

I couldnt get through this article without my mind drifting of to the dozens of incidents I have seen and and managed to live though. I refuse to get into the car with a few people I know because they cant drive properly. I have told them that I am not even that bothered by how they drive – I am more worried about how people are going to react to their driving.

7 03 2011
Tim

I’m guessing the bogan in what appeared to be an armored personnel carrier was aware I was heading to university today and decided, in a show of anti-intellectualism, to tailgate me at 110km/h on the motorway.

Occasionally, I think I’d be doing society a service if I just hit the breaks and claimed the bogue in question rammed me from behind at the speed limit when the police arrive.

However, my small, petrol-efficient, asian-manufactured car would not possibly survive an assault from a Chevrolet-badged Holden Gethefuckoutofmyway so I allow them to pass. Which the invariably do, to the left.

Sigh.

7 03 2011
4G63

Keep Left Unless Overtaking.

Sounds simple doesn’t it? No need for road-vigilantes to try “enforcing” speed limits. You’re as bad as the bogan.

7 03 2011
that wanker

touché 4G63!

Tim just had to let everyone know that he was going to university (self-assurance maybe), and that he drove an Asian fuel efficient vehicle (he is doing his bit for the planet, however I don’t see how the country of origin matters) Give yourself a pat on the back Tim, you’re a fucking awesome human being.

7 03 2011
Cat lady

Oh yeah. Seeking an education, environmentally conscious and not being a road aggressor. What a prick, right? /sarcasm

And 4G63- someone travelling at the speed limit, even if they are in the wrong lane, is nowhere near as dangerous as a tailgater.

10 03 2011
scottanaxtgrnd

Spoken much like someone who hasn’t lived overseas where people do practice lane discipline. I can tell you now, I feel much much safer of European roads where the speed limit is barely given token compliance, but everyone follows strict lane discipline. It is not only my subjective experience but road toll statistics bare this out.

8 03 2011
Mr Q

Fuckin’ bloody drivers what? I was drivin’ me fuckin’ new yellow V8 yoot along the freeway the other day, and there was this prick in a little fuckin’ small car drivin’ along my lane doin’ only the fuckin’ speed limit! Not even five k’s over, like what you’re supposed to do in the right hand lane. It should have got over into the small car lane where all the other small cars and Camrys and shit were doin’ less than the limit. The right lane’s for us people what have proper fuckin’ yoots and V8s and shit so we can overtake them shit cars. Not for them nancy girly cars what come from fuckin’ Yoorop or fuckin’ Japan. If yer car’s not a proper fuckin’ Aussie Chev-ro-lett, then you should just fuck off back to whatever fuckin’ country your carnty little car comes from.

So anyway, this carnt was drivin’ along in the right hand lane, only doing the limit, and not a proper bit over like what you’re supposed to do in the right lane. So I thought I’d give him a bit of a hint about how much of a carnt what deserved a glassin’ he was, so I got right up close behind him where I could proper dazzle him when I flashed the yoots lights at him, and where that carnt could see the finger sign I flipped at him all proper. And you know what? The fuckin’ carnt slowed down! I mean, he eventually got outta my way when the cars in the other lane went past, but shit, he coulda sped up and gone in front of the other cars, rather than slowed me down. Fuckin’ carnt.

Anyway, I the little carnt got outta my way, so I proper opened the yoot up to make up the lost time. And you know what fuckin’ happened? There was a fuckin speed camera out there. Fuckin’ got flashed. I wanted to get out and give the bastard with the camera a good fuckin’ glassin’ for bein’ a revenue raisin’ carnt. Now, I reckon’ I was only doin’ about 15 over the limit, so it’s just blatant fuckin’ revenue raisin’ – and the bloody camera wasn’t in a location they’d mentioned on the seven noos last night, so I reckon I shouldn’t havta pay the revenue raisin’ carnts. Did I say how them fuckin’ revenue raisin’ carnts are bloody un-Orstrayan in what they rip money off rool Aussie battlers?

And worse, that fuckin’ camera won’t pick up that dangerous carnt in his little fuckin’ “fuel-efficient” fuckin’ car, cause him drivin’ at only the limit in the right hand lane and slowin’ me down, even when I get right up behind him so he knows I’m wanting him to get outta the way is way fuckin’ more dangerous than me only drivin’ at a tiny bit over the limit. I mean, sure, it’s an 80 zone, but I heard they engineer the fuckin’ road for 110, so what’s wrong with me fuckin’ goin 95?

8 03 2011
Vviv2

Shit Q, THAT was too close an impersonation! Are you SURE you’re not one of them?

8 03 2011
Mr Q

I’m safe. I drive a VW Polo – no self-disrespecting bogan would be seen dead in a car that size. It was a replacement for a Nissan Pulsar.

Fortunately above, the bogan above was driving on the freeway, or he may have encountered a cyclist. As a regular cyclist, I would have been scared to find out what I’d channel then.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Love it. That describes the Pacific Highway between Gold Coast and Brisbane.

10 03 2011
scottanaxtgrnd

Sarcasm aside. The right lane IS for overtaking only, for bogans, self righteous pricks, you name it.
It is not a fast lane, a speed limit lane, an I’m going to enforce the law lane. It is the oertaking lane. If you are not overtaking you have no right being their. No matter how much of an idiot the person behind you is, or how supremely wondereful and law abiding you are. Which by the way isn’t it hypocritical to break one law to force someone else to obey another law. Besides the fact that surely feeling you have a right to obstruct someone on purpose must say somthing worse about your charactor. In Europe holding someone up in the overtaking lane if you are not overtaking will get you charged with coresion.

11 03 2011
AlyssaKT

coresion??? Is this a word?

I agree with you though; only a bogan would think he had the right to be the “pace car” on a public road.

11 03 2011
scottanaxtgrnd

Sorry, I meant, coersion. This thing don’t let you edit prior posts.

11 03 2011
AlyssaKT

oh you meant coercion – got it

11 03 2011
Mr Q

Let’s get a few boganceptions (ie misconceptions made by bogans) straight.

* The keep left unless overtaking only applies on roads with speed limits above 80kmh (on other roads it does *not* apply).

* A car can travel in the right lane at speeds at *or below* the speed limit if overtaking vehicles that are travelling at lower speeds.

* Speeding is illegal regardless of what lane you might be travelling in. As is tailgating and attempting to intimidate other drivers out of your way, and making multiple lane changes in one move.

You will notice in the story above that the non-bogan was doing the speed limit in the right lane while there were cars going less than the limit in the other lane(s) ie, overtaking. This, alas is something I’ve had quite a bit of experience with here in Perth – in heavy traffic, ending up in the right hand lane (as the others are going well below the limit), doing a few kmh below as well, and having bogan utes/Falcodores etc try to intimidate me out of the lane into traffic going slower than me. To be fair, it’s not just the bogans, as there were plenty of expensive “look at me” cars that do the same thing.

If you’re in any lane of traffic, you should not have to expect that someone is going to try and intimidate you.

11 03 2011
AlyssaKT

Let’s get this boganception straight;

You say “it’s not just the bogans, as there were plenty of expensive “look at me” cars that do the same thing.”

Driving expensive “look at me” cars IS bogan!!

11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Agreed. “Look at moi, look at moi!”

11 03 2011
devil's advocate

I disagree. There are many legitimate reasons to drive expensive cars, not the least of which is that in most cases expensive cars are better. It would be a sad day when a performance enthusiast would compromise their vehicle choice in order to avoid perceptions of boganity.

No, it’s only bogan if the expensive car is acquired and driven for the sole or dominant purpose of showing off one’s wealth (or credit). As with many things, its the why, not the what, that matters.

Oh no I’ve been institutionalised into TBL.

11 03 2011
AlyssaKT

Mr Q didn’t say “expensive cars”, he said “expensive “look at me” cars.

11 03 2011
devil's advocate

meh. There are very few expensive cars that don’t cop a second look when they roll down the street or even when parked.

So same thing, IMO.

11 03 2011
AlyssaKT

let’s agree to disagree :)

11 03 2011
Cat lady

“Performance enthusiast.”

*fap fap fap*

11 03 2011
Mr Q

True, I’ll grant that.

Shall I rephrase it to people who believe the value of their expensive car determines their right to the road? Alas, that’s not solely a bogan trait.

11 03 2011
devil's advocate

LOL 4G63 = two-thirds of an actual motor.

Just jokes, that’s a good donk. What series evo is it in?

7 03 2011
S Webb

bogan car indicator-
Xenon headlights. Because it’s their god given right to scar the retinas of every other motorist on the road.

7 03 2011
chris

… and the pissant fog lights that don’t appear to be wired to an “off” switch.

7 03 2011
Vacuous

…. fog lights that are fitted for the thick pea-soup of Norway and other countries. Bogans will claim that turning on their fog lights increase their visibility on the road, like their lime green ute needs it.

Daytime Running Lights have also been found to have had limited use in Australia due to us not having extended periods of darkness like the Nordic countries for which DRLs are needed.

Doesn’t stop Holden from fitting DRL’s to their vehicles, and then bogans claim that Holdens are built by Australians for Australian conditions.

7 03 2011
Mick

I have a special hate for fog lights.

I’m not sure if it’s illegal or not to run fog lights in fine conditions but I tell the bogan that it is. But in the mind of the bogan, this is a good thing. Just another way of giving the finger to the man.

7 03 2011
chris

It ain’t legal in SA.

7 03 2011
Mick

i own one of those bogan utes that you guys keep bagging. And yep, fog lights sitting proudly in front. I think they’re an option that comes with the six-stacker. I don’t know, I never asked for them..

I’m regularly asked why I don’t have them on. My usual reply is it’s because i’m smart enough to work out how to turn off stuff I don’t need.

There’s not many days in my life that I’m not narrowly avoiding a good glassin’.

7 03 2011
p'bee

you do live your life on the edge, mick.

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

He’s switched on, our Mick, no flies on him.

That’s why, despite a seeming few bogan attributes, Mick is no bogan. And to survive the Bogan Menace from within takes sheer guts.

His insights are an asset here at TBL.

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Me too, Mick. I see someone with fog lights on and my glassin’ urges become aroused.

7 03 2011
Mick

Fog lights are NaB. The OSB types see them and mutter to themselves ‘feckin wanker’.

7 03 2011
Edward

I have a question the rules of the road. There is a traffic offence called “Failure to Dim”. It is applicable when high beam lights are used when un-necessitated by the circumstances, and is needed because of the additional danger of accident where another driver is dazzled/blinded by a following or oncoming vehicles lights. Surely this also applies to fog-lights and other auxillary lights ?

7 03 2011
Mick

A bogan police-officer friend once told me that it was illegal in Qld if they were bright enough to blind oncoming traffic. I asked him if that is so, why don’t they do something about it.

“Couldn’t be arsed”.

7 03 2011
shakPower

TBL forgot to mention the bogan also randomly screams out at people standing on the footpath as it zooms past at maxxxtreme speed to startle the life outto them. Anyone walking has to be a poof….

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Unless you’re a chick, then you get cat calls and whistles.

(Guilty of this, both as driver and passenger. But it’s all harmless fun.)

7 03 2011
Cat lady

Ever asked the recipient whether she thinks it’s harmless fun?

News flash- to a woman, a look or yell can be an invasion of personal space.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Hear, hear. I also like your name, Cat Lady!

11 03 2011
betterthantheoriginalwally

News flash- Men love to look and are not change in the next 1000 years – better to be looked at than not. No harm intended.

11 03 2011
p'bee

no harm intended doesn’t mean no harm done.

12 03 2011
Cat lady

Oh, p’bee, don’t you know? Their “right” to express whatever comes into their heads regarding a woman’s sex appeal trumps a woman’s right to feel safe?

*tsk*

How silly of us. It is a man’s world, after all…

Holy crap, I just realised I’m at a computer. What am I doing out of the kitchen?!

12 03 2011
James Hunter

cat person
striving to reach a level of common incompetence?

13 03 2011
Cat lady

Easier to take pot shots than consider and address what I actually said, is it?

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

@Ash

FYI, today, 8 March, is International Women’s Day and it’s the centenary of this annual day of feminist awareness.

Normally, I like your contributions, Ash, but when you do allegedly “harmless” things like catcalls and wolf-whistles, it’s a sad reminder that too many men, even in this day and age, have not got with the programme with sexual equality.

As a modern man, I have broken free the sexist chains that had shackled my male progenitors. To that, I’ve yet to meet a non-sexist bogan…not all sexists (male or female) are bogans, but all bogans are sexist.

When the day comes that I encounter a bogue who doesn’t play Battle of the Sexes (or Sexists), I’ll dips me lid to ‘em.

8 03 2011
Cat lady

Goldcoaster- thank you. I like it, too. :)

Bag O’Turnips- couldn’t agree more, and thank you for being a status-quo rejecting male, we need more of you. Mind you, citing IWD will probably be ineffective- sadly, most bogans would refer to it as “political correctness gone mad”. *sigh*

8 03 2011
James Hunter

Cat Lady and BOT,
you do not think ,just perhaps, the problem is partly because of all those women that have such a low self esteme that they cannot comprehend nor appreciate men admiring them for what theyy are ? Attractive sexually desirable females ? The oter women that side with the argument could be the ones who are simply pissed off that no one has whistled at them since ever ?
before answering review philosophy 1 notes.
!!!

8 03 2011
Cat lady

James Hunter, I call bollocks on that. Obviously I can only speak for myself and my own experience, but I receive a lot of attention from males. I know I’m often considered attractive and am generally comfortable with this. There is nothing wrong with being appreciated, or even approached. Trouble is, most men who think they’re being subtle or appreciative are in fact being creepy and invasive. Asking me out for coffee in a friendly and respectful manner, fine. Yelling from a car or leering, not fine. Bogans are notoriously unable to make the distinction.

8 03 2011
Tombarina

Seconded.

Feeling attractive and appreciated is one thing. Having a carload of cockheads with undershot jaws woo-hooing “showuzyatittz baaaabbbbbe” is NOT that thing.

Surely, at some point, these bogoid nuffies stop to marvel at the remarkable dearth of females who have taken them up on this attractively-phrased offer and think: “perhaps this isn’t working?”

(Silly me – I used ‘bogan’ and ‘think’ in the same sentence…tee-hee…)

So, no JH – it’s not about women feeling attractive and desirable. It’s about en masse intimidation (how often do you see lone males pulling this stunt?) and overcompensation for all the ‘roids that have shrunk their sad little tockleys to the size and consistency of an almond.

8 03 2011
Vviv2

Tombarina, you have such a way with words….love it!

8 03 2011
James Hunter

Tom,,
overall I agree with you and certainly decry mthe animal/pack behaviour that you refer to. I think so that some women, and i am not saying many, cannot accept even the well intended whistle from a single male. mores the pity for both.

8 03 2011
Vviv2

Good point James, there’s a world of difference between a lone appreciative whistle, & the screaming, yelling attack of a carload of phukwit bogans. Do they seriously think that the female they admire will instantly leap into the dunnydoor/boganmobile & beg them to root her silly? Even the femebogue has some standards….err…don’t they?

8 03 2011
James Hunter

do fembouges have standards ? well i guess they do but as far as gauging just what those standards may be i have never been especially tempted. besides if it is just quick sex then a hooker would be cheaper, better and cleaner ?

8 03 2011
Cat lady

Also, next time you’re in a group with other guys and think of making some kind of overture, ask yourself whether it’s possible that the woman in question may have experienced sexual harassment or assault at some point and may find your behaviour threatening. Sexual crimes against women are still epidemic, and what you see as harmless fun or even flattery might be extremely unwelcome.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I don’t go around whistling at good looking guys. It must be a man thing to think that if you see a hot member of the opposite sex, you should, nay must, let her know. In my experience it has only been bogans who have done so.

9 03 2011
AlyssaKT

I encountered French Bogans in Paris – young men who imitated the wanking motion while whistling at me and saying “ooh la la”.
There are bogans everywhere.

Although that was the worst of it, most Southern European men are very forward, many to the point of sleezy. But at least they’re not only brave enough to “talk” to women when they’re travelling in packs, screaming “you wanna fuck?”.

9 03 2011
James Hunter

You dont want your men to go round behaving like women ? or do you ?

9 03 2011
barkeep @ the Ye Olde Glassing Barn

I think it is a lack of self esteem. To me the yelling and whistling is an adult form of hair pulling in primary school.
They still don’t know how to approach women and it shows. Any self respecting hetero male would not harm his chances with an attractive female by yelling at them and being aggressive. Even if you think there is little chance of anything happening why would you make sure of it?
The big issue I see is rejection and the male ego do not go well together or at all. The fear of being shotdown is crippling for some men, enraging for others.

9 03 2011
James Hunter

barkeep,
some men do whistle appreciatively at a pretty woman . there are some bogans and sleeze balls who whistle,yahoo leer and are generally gross.
I do suggest that they should not all be lumped together and I am sure that most modern women can tell the difference. Those that cant have as much a problem as the male yobos.

8 03 2011
brad

come on ash be a man and refute what is an obvious personal attack at both your intelligence and manhood.
Man-up boy.

8 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Simon, you’re a farkin poofta and I’m gonna glass you off ya boike.

8 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Wrong place.

I understand that it’s offensive, but I don’t really care. I’m given to dickhead behaviour on occasion and have never claimed anything else. Is this bogan? Probably. But the fact is that no woman needs to show me or anyone else her tits just cause some knob is yelling out from a car. For the record, I never actually expect anything to happen – I just like to try pissing people off.

9 03 2011
martin

I think women should show their boobs more often. Like they do in Africa. It should be like some multiculturalism thing. If they don’t then they’d be racist.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

LOL cultural relativism is not a good argument!

9 03 2011
martin

Yes it is. Can’t have double standards. I would make a good despot.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

As long as you sent the bogans to the GULAG.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Good idea, we just need Stalin back for administrative purposes.

12 03 2011
Cat lady

I want to ask those of you who are saying these things a question. This is a qenuine question, I’m not being a smartarse- I would really like you to consider carefully what I’m saying.

If your wife/girlfriend/daughter/sister came to you, upset, and repeatedly said something along the lines of, “men make comments/toot their horns/leer at me all the time and it makes me feel devalued and unsafe. It’s starting to affect my self-esteem”, how would you feel? What would your advice be? Would you be angry on their behalf? Angry that this *person* that you care about is being treated like a piece of meat, or would you think it was funny, harmless and tell her, “harden the fuck up, love”?

There is no difference between your loved one and a stranger in terms of her worth as a person, except that you know and value one and the other you don’t.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

What did I do here ya farking curry/coconut idjut?

I’ll out glass ya anyday ya young whipper snapper.

8 03 2011
Vviv2

Certainly cheaper than Pandora James! :-P

10 03 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Most girls love a good cat call or wolf whistle. Let’s them know they’re hott and/or sexxy.

7 03 2011
Troy

One of my least favourite acts of cuntery is when the bogue will quite happily push their way in and cut you off without indicating, especially if they can get poll position at a set of lights. (They then won’t take off straight away unless in a drag, they will be texting, picking their nose, looking at their hair etc)

However if you happen to be anywhere near in front of them and indicate to change lanes in front of them they will make it their preogrative to speed up and not let you in.

7 03 2011
smithcorp

Living near the F3 off-ramp in Sydney years ago, I always used to be frightened of the bogan-packed trayback utes that would flow down from the Central Coast in the mornings, packed with two head-back, mouth-agape, sleeping flouro-vest wearers across the front bench seat.

The driver, who had started his trip hungover at 5.00 am, usually looked barely awake himself and they would sit resolutely in the right hand lane on Pennant Hills road or Pacific Highway, drifting carelessly over centrelines and lane markers on every curve, not changing speed for anything, including amber lights.

Conversely, at about 3.30pm, they would reappear on the roads heading home, this time instead of being sleepily inoffensive, it would be like they had spent the day taking uppers and would drive accordingly.

Safest place to be was the left lane, as they invariably camped in the right lane, no matter what their speed.

Carnts.

7 03 2011
Davo

Watch a factory or work site knock off sometime, it’s like Cannonball Run.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

It’s like that next to my work – a factory. They tear out of their driveway, burning rubber and sliding without control all over the road. One has had a head-on collision recently, but it hasn’t slowed anyone down.

7 03 2011
Vviv2

Is it only me, or has anyone else noticed the latest trend in bogue driving?
It seems one no longer needs to stay on their own side of the centre line, just somewhere in the vicinity will do, ( two wheels over seems to be the norm), ….any oncoming traffic will get out of the way, making for faster arrival times.

7 03 2011
Vviv2

No? Must be a localis(z)ed thing then….

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Ya can’t get a hummer in a traffic lane ya dumb c*nt.

7 03 2011
Vviv2

Well, that put me back in my box!

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Bit harsh? Sorry dude. But it’s true, ya carnt be spected ta drive in a feckin lane wif a rool car can ya. And when Lowndsie goes round corners n sh*t he always swings out way to the left so he can do a good right turn and he’s f*ckin awesome. Anyway gotta go and give my Holden stuff it’s yearly wash ready for Clipsal next weekend.

8 03 2011
chris

Spotted in front of me this morning: Suzuki shitbox 4WD with a home-made sticker in the back window: “When I grow up I want to be a Hummer”. Sweet baby Jaysus.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

What about people’s reluctance to switch on their headlights when visibility is low? It’s like they don’t want to “waste power” or something. Driving along in their grey cars on a grey day in slippery conditions, and refusing to put their headlights on like everyone else.
Or even more stupid; driving along with their parking lights on. There’s a fucking reason they’re called PARKING LIGHTS dipshit.

7 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

I tried to explain that exact point to my (non-Bogan) girlfriend about headlights in low vis situations. Seriously, it’s ridiculously dangerous to NOT let people know where you are on the road. The one thing the Bogan may have right is having a fluro paint scheme on their Chevrodores; at least we can see them doing the wrong thing.

Also, what about entering freeways? Why do people slow down when they’re coming off the on ramp? Argh!

7 03 2011
the beef

the SUV/4WD matter is one I am having to grapple with soon. Approaching the arrival of The Beef Jnr #3, a third baby seat will not fit across the back seat of my European diesel (read: economical but wanky) car.
Also, having done a teensy bit of research I have concluded that safety-wise, space-saving baby seats are akin to putting the child next to “Wozza” at the local glassing barn and making the kid break the bad news to Wozz that they’ve run out of beam cans.
So, long story short, the width of even Australia’s favourite large car (a new Commodore, shudder) is not quite wide enough to allow three wanky upmodel child seats, whereas the larger 4WD’s have an extra 15-20cms across and therefore allow my highest priority – safety for the kids (note; the designers at Toyota were able to find the extra 15-20cm from wasted space in the bike lane).
All the above may drag the Beef and the good Mrs B into the 4WD market. There is no emoticon sufficient to express my disappointment! Oh wait, there is. :o(

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Beef, try the Skoda Superb. They are cavenous. Anything but a f*cking SUV.

7 03 2011
spewy

Yeah those homo’s in the bike lane dont need all that space.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

“the beef” – yes, SUVs are infinitely safer for your family (until you back over your kid in your own driveway) but not safer for ours.

7 03 2011
the beef

our local kindergarten’s car-park looks like the HQ of an adventurers club…
AlyssaKT, they have reversing cameras these days! Perfect.
In all honesty though, I cant see myself being happy in whatever car we go for next.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

And bigger/ higher does not mean safer. Many hatch’s have better crash ratings than SUVs.

7 03 2011
Tom

Crash tests only measure impacts with a stationary, solid object. You will be safer in a smaller car (all other things being equal) than a larger car in an impact with a solid object such as a tree. However, in a two car impact, you would be better off in the larger car.

7 03 2011
Vviv2

If the impact is with an SUV, I’d rather be in that. Have you ever noticed in a normal sedan, your head is level with the huge chrome bull bar on an SUV?
I think the drivers of these vehicles should take an extra training course, they steer & handle very differently to a sedan.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

YES!

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Seconded.

4WDs and SUVs have much higher centres of gravity, not to mention relatively smaller brakes and soggier handling, when combined with their higher road mass (2 to 2.7 tonnes being the typical range) require a specialised driving style that factors all of this in, for there’s no escaping the laws of physics when it comes to increased inertia and mass, despite all the advances in roadholding and safety with SUVs. in reality, these vehicles should be in a different licence class, such as medium truck, for you cannot drive either a truck, 4WD or SUV like a conventional passenger car.

If that was the licensing endorsement required, Mumma Hummers would mostly vanish and the much-vaunted resale of these beasts would plummet accordingly.

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I like my soloution. Ban em unless you are a farmer or can prove need. And breeding like Mel Gibson does not count.

8 03 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Yep, put SUVs into the Light Rigid class and they’d disappear very quickly.

7 03 2011
martin

Why have you got three kids? Are you Catholic? Then you’re a bogan and you should just get the 4WD.

http://thingsboganslike.com/2010/10/18/183-catholicism/

7 03 2011
the beef

Judge not lest ye be judged yourself! That’s either from the Bible, or a line from a song on Metallica’s Black Album. Or both.

7 03 2011
Edward

I take it that an M.P.V./Minivan has already been ruled out of consideration ?

8 03 2011
the beef

I don’t know what’s worse: being a bogan in an SUV or the stereotypical “suburban dad” in an MPV…. I’d better buy up on Bill Cosby style sweaters if I’m going down that path! Referring to my earlier post – I can’t see myself being happy in whatever car we go for next!

8 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

What’s wrong with being Bill Cosby? He’s cool.

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Have you considered the Honda Odyssey?

They even look almost cool, are almost car-like, superbly appointed and aren’t too shabby on petrol either. Good resale and build quality too. Can’t go wrong there.

Or otherwise Simon’s suggestion of a Skoda Superb, which are the the roomiest things this side of a Caprice.

9 03 2011
Edward

Considered a sideways move (conceptually) ? Buy a semi-restored Kombi (there is always someone whose ambitions exceed their resources and inevitably end up selling off one or more of their projects). Finish it off (the buy-in is generally at an affordable price and parts are reasonably common, and agreeably cheap). They are a surprisingly well designed, built and durable vehicle. This would avoid the whole issue. No more thinking “Oh my god, I sold my V6 sedan, and drive a people mover now. I guess I have to accept the view of others that I have capitulated” or “Okay, now that I drive a Nissan Patrol, the excellent sound insulation means that I can’t hear the legion of people in Honda Jazz’, Hyundai Getz’ and Toyota Echoes thinking that I’m an irresponsible arse who mitigates the fact that I can’t drive by ensuring that I’ll be able to step out of my car to watch the occupants of the other vehicle being cut out of theirs; before feeling remorseful as I pay the bill for straightening and re-chroming of the inbuilt bull-bar and shattered polycarbonate radiator shield”.

9 03 2011
the beef

Edward that’s a great idea. Now to convince my better half that buying a restored old car is equal to or better than buying a new one…

10 03 2011
Sheriff struggle

I had a 1976 kombi. I loved it but had to sell it when we had kids. Don’t do it, they blow all over the road, have no safety features and are a death trap in a head on. I now have a 4wd and yes BoT, you do need to drive them differently. I am much more careful in the 4wd than Mrs Sheriff’s small sedan.

12 03 2011
Edward

Agreed, a head-on collision is pretty close to a worst case scenario in a Kombi. A roll-over might conceivably be worse. They will withstand a rear-end impact or midsection/rear quarter T-Bone pretty well though.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Matthew 7:1

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Metallica – Black – Of Wolf & Man

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

LOL Metallica quoted Jesus.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Yep, though not as often as Pantera did. :-D

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Hm well there’s a random fact I didn’t know. Always good to learn something new. It’s what separates us from Bogans.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Here’s another gem to stash away GC
Oliver Cromwell graduated from Oxford University the same year Shakespeare died…

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Hm! That’s a good one.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Bogans drive with their arm dangling out the window so accidents lead to wanking arm amputation.

7 03 2011
Vviv2

Here’s dopey me thinking it was to hold the door on…. :-P

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

It’s for drive-by glassing’s, didn’tcha know?

7 03 2011
Mick

Would they take their freshly detached yet still warm arm home and try and give themselves ‘The Stranger’?

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

imagine all that money wasted on ink when they lose their driver’s window arm sleeve.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I developed a theory on sleeve tatts over the weekend when I observed a kid with their arm in a cast with writing on it. Back in school days the more writing you had on your cast the more popular you were

So the bogue is just trying to go back to school days when it thought it was popular and look like all it’s mates have scribbled on it’s arm coz we all know the bogue peaked in school.

7 03 2011
Steph

Let’t not forget that when the bogan happens to be a truck driver…

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Anyway, guys, I need help.

I have finally decided it’s time to get into soccer. Specifically, the EPL.

Only problem is that I have no idea who I want to go for except that I know I don’t want to go for Man United.

I know some of you are Premier League fans – help?

7 03 2011
p'bee

i’m not a fan and i’m a girl so probably best to ignore my advice but i’d choose who to go for based on which uniforms were the prettiest colours.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Ash, you just need help period. Soccer? FFS.

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I’m a grade-A sports junkie, Simon. I even follow American football (although that’s because I lived in the States for a year). Soccer just completes it for me, although I won’t touch your code of football.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

C’mon dude. The only good thing about winter is the AFL is back and the European cycling season on Eurosports (Paris-Nice at the moment). Try supporting West Coast Eagles and tell me you don’t get some excitement. Go Big Cox!

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

the best thing about the start of the footy season is the end of the cricket season.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

True dat.

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Agree to disagree. If I wanted to see a bunch of blokes running around in tight shorts I’d hang out on Oxford St more.

9 03 2011
martin

The only good thing about footy season is that’s it’s winter and there’s no more stinking bogan heat.

I wonder how many “controversies” there’ll be this year involving footy players. We need a bookie. I’ll take a guess, 5. Except they’ll draw each one out to about 2 weeks each. So that’s ten weeks of shit in the media, shit over and above the normal shit. 3 months of rape, bashings, and all around sordidness. Can’t wait!

7 03 2011
p'bee

american football? i went to a college game when i was in canada, couldn’t even make it to half time. the cheerleaders were ten times more talented, interesting, and athletic.

7 03 2011
Mick

Ice hockey was my spectator sport of choice when I was over there.

Fast, skillful and they throw fists at each other like a pack of rum-fueled bogans.

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I like ice hockey as well. I have an old Mats Sundin Toronto Maple Leafs jersey that I sleep in every night – it’s about 5 sizes too big for me.

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

p’bee, you need to go to a tailgate party first.

By the time you get into the stadium you’re so stuffed and shitfaced it doesn’t matter what’s happening on the field.

7 03 2011
AlyssaKT

it’d be a bit bogan to follow what other people like, without forming an opinion of your own for yourself, Ash….

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I’m seeking advice from educated, intelligent sorts (I hope).

7 03 2011
martin

How are you going to watch it? It’s only on cable if you want to pay like 1000 dollars a month. I used to play fifa on my xbox so tried to get into soccer, had the same conundrum you did, who to go for. I decided to choose based on my ancestry but none of them were from anywhere where there’s a Premier League team. So I thought f#ck it then. Also watching soccer is boring as shit because they never score.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Ha Ha, so soccer is like a night out for Ash, no scoring?

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I wish I could give a smart arse reply to this that isn’t a lie.

7 03 2011
chris

Try Man City and ignore Bike Boy. BTW, if you spoonerise your name, you get “Classer of Gunts”. Just a weird image of someone with a tape measure and a big set of callipers chasing obese fembogues around shopping malls, thassall.

7 03 2011
Kimba

Spurs are the only team you want to follow. :D

7 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I ended up taking my fan talents to Everton.

I made the decision after a mid-lecture nap that involved a dream where Wayne Rooney got kicked in the nuts. Seemed to be a sign.

7 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Good call Ash, I’m an Everton fan myself. I seem to have it in for myself by supporting a team that’s both agonising and entertaining to watch at the same time. Mind you, they have no money and are run by a West End theatre producer…go figure!

8 03 2011
POMMIE MICK

A Blueschite fan. Never mind

YNWA

9 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

All I can say is you did well getting rid of Torres and Benitez before him. Both as useless as each other. That’s the only thing good I can say about the red half…

COYB

7 03 2011
Abudhabilist

Bah.

CUB’s here in the sand pit do all of the above, sans indicators, on their triple black windowed FJ cruisers/land-cruisers/Nissan ultima’s (not in aus… but thing 2 door magna, made by Nissan – with a milo can exhaust)

At 200kms per hour.

With no seatbelts.

There was a large push toward promoting seatbelt use, so to appeal to the Cashed Up Bogan brigade here, they had fashion houses (like Gucci and D&G) brand seatbelts in the hope that AL Boughan would install them in their car…

I am not making this up.

8 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Having spent a day in Dubai recently, that doesn’t surprise me at all.

9 03 2011
chris

D&G seatbelts! Pure genius. The perfect accessory to the boguette’s frangipanni sticker-encrusted, Betty Boop seatcovered, blue smoke-blowing shitbox Excel. I say we import a container load and make a killing.

9 03 2011
AlyssaKT

Don’t forget the little tarts with their Porn Star stickers or Playboy seat covers. Advertising that you’re a sexual creature is the height of tackiness. Like girls with tongue rings that they continuously flaunt and play with. Advertising that they are c**k suckers – and not even very good at it, as they need an implement.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Ah yes, Sex and the City has been so good for society. Yay lets all be sluts.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

LMAO! You wish Simon!
I blame all the so-called “reality” shows too….You don’t like someone’s T-shirt/music/car/job, end the marriage & find another ‘soul mate’ within a week.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Or like My Farmer wants a Root?

9 03 2011
chris

So You Think You Can Blow the Footy Team?

9 03 2011
Vviv2

No worries….Pass me the plastique!
I LOATHE football! :-(

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

My Kitchen Felatio

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

This is your Dick.

9 03 2011
AlyssaKT

How I Fucked Your Mother

9 03 2011
AlyssaKT

Oh sorry, REALITY TV…

The Cock

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Biggest Funbags.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Australia’s next neighbourhood bike?
.
Kitchen whores?

The biggest floozers?

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Jersey Camel Toe

9 03 2011
Vviv2

That wins the prize Simon….love it!

9 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Big Slapper U Cünt!

10 03 2011
chris

Australia’s Funniest Home Videos (of ex-footballers minus their trousers)

10 03 2011
p'bee

so you think you can spray tan

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

Prancing with the Bizarres

10 03 2011
martin

Celebrity glassings

10 03 2011
p'bee

great one, martin.

amazing race riot

10 03 2011
martin

STDs gone wild

10 03 2011
martin

The Biggest Bogan: Families

10 03 2011
James Hunter

Simon,
The Jersey Camel Toe,
Is that the biggest Flosser ?

10 03 2011
Pandabater

So you think you can duckface.

10 03 2011
Pandabater

Driving Miss Daisy

11 03 2011
betterthantheoriginalwally

Bukkake Brother?

9 03 2011
Tombarina

AlyssaKT – if I ever turned, it would be for you.

I feel such divided emotions over those tragic pathetic attention-whoring wee strumpets – I mock, I weep.

But mostly, I give thanks that my son pointed out that those lasses mostly fall into one of two categories: Skankaras (skinny, orange, flimsily-clad foul-mouthed morons) or Gothapotami (morbidly obese, black-clad, depressives).

Is it too much to want your kid to fall for a nice chick with a good brain, plan-reinforced ambitions, a kind heart and a car that isn’t bedecked in frangipanis, Playboy bunnies and Mad Bitch stickers?

Oh, and, apparently, a cracker rack – I was just forced to type that last line….

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

haha – love it!

He’s right, everyone I can think of DOES fall into one of those categories! How old is your son?

10 03 2011
Tombarina

17. There is hope for the future!

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

YOU made it happen!
I aspire to raise smart respectful courageous individual men when/if I have a/ son/s. Sounds like you’re well on target Tomarina – big ups!

p.s. I shared your son’s names for the tongue ring chick alternatives tonight with the man I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (we haven’t had “the talk” so he is not yet my boyfriend) and he was muchos amused!

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

+ B
= Tombarina
sorry about that typo!

9 03 2011
chris

Meh. On second thoughts, how about we just lobby to have a bylaw that exempts them from seatbelts altogether and let natural selection do its work.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

But would it work fast enough?

9 03 2011
chris

The process could be sped up by allowing them to drink their own body weight in alcopop, however; a) that would unfairly endanger other road users and b) be so close to weekend SOP as not to have an effect anyway.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Perhaps the gummint could subsidise bigger subbies?
Have you seen the structural damage they do to Chevrodores? It would halve the boganmobiles in under a year…. :-D

7 03 2011
Davo

Why is it so fucking hard for people to understand that from the Bolte bridge to high st is 80. Either these people have never been in the tunnel before and been fined or they’re just really fucking dumb. Every morning and afternoon i have fuck wits up my arse whilst doing the speed limit. Left lane, right lane, it doesn’t matter. When your trying to get on the freeway, some bogan will tailgate you, then quikly overtake you in the lane your trying to merge into, even when you merge at 110.
My car can do 200, and i’ve taken it to 200, but not on an urban road with other cars and not unless i could see the road ahead.

8 03 2011
chris

One vote for “really f*cking dumb.”

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I splash em with my wiper water, or deliberately slow to make them go around me. Touching your brake very gently to activate the brake light also helps. And when the bogan screams past you with a one-fingered salute or a yell, laugh at it.

8 03 2011
Pandabater

Be very careful flashing your brake lights at a tailgater. They are already unstable & I have been punched in the head through the open window at the next set of lights (hardly fair seeing how I was the passenger). I have had a 100% sucess rate washing the windscreen, especially driving into the sun, watch them backoff, its very satisfying.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Ah yes, I do pick my targets carefully. That’s terrible, what happened to you, Panda! I’ll be more careful. Luckily, I don’t drive that much.

7 03 2011
James Hunter

Simon the despicable tce roundabout sorts the rabbits from the squirrels ?
My pet winge is people exiting roundabouts with their right hand blinker on . Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr illegal, thoughtless and it holds up traffif unnecessarily waiting for them.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Indeed it does JH. Only the brave survive. Roger on the indicator thing. Indicate left to exit the roundabout. Saves people having to guess your intention.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

It’s law to exit roundabouts with your right blinker on in QLD.

8 03 2011
AlyssaKT

no it’s not. Unless you think we drive on the right hand side of the road and go around roundabouts anti-clockwise. You can’t get off a roundabout by turning right. Hence the left indicator comes into play. Or should do!

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Whoops, I meant left. Sorry, I’m not quite awake yet, and my visual-spatial processing seems to be really sleeping in. Please accept my apologies for this little slip-up. Just as well I don’t drive much anymore…

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

My mistake- I meant left! Left! Left! Need to get some coffee…

9 06 2011
True Believer

Here’s another little known rule with roundabouts, it’s give way to the traffic on the roundabout, not give way to the car approaching the roundabout on your right, unless of course he actually enters the roundabout before you.

Once on a deserted country road in Victoria I did battle with a bogan in his ute who was approaching a deserted roundabout at right angles to me. We could see each other approach the roundabout for some time through the trees and I had a feeling it may get hairy since the other car was clearly speeding. I got to the roundabout seconds before him, had the audacity to drive straight through instead of stopping in respectful and demure silence to let him pass, being a woman and all. I was priveleged to have the full compendium of bogan swear words hurled at me through an open window (who knew the doppler effect changed the human voice so hilariously) as he vented his frustration at having to slow down at a roundabout when he of course owned the road.

Yep, I took a risk, but the rewards of hearing the bogan howling with frustration that he wasn’t allowed to have what was clearly his made up for it.

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Bogans also seem to like to try to drive from the back seat. They will move the drivers seat back, lower it and then wind the backrest as far down as it will go, especially if they are a shortarse. All this despite the fact that their hero Lowndesy etc sit bolt upright and close to the wheel.

7 03 2011
James Hunter

Simon maybe they are bogan secrete service agents? or sneeking home without the girlfriend spotting who is driving the car with his wife in it ?Maybe dodging his s.p. bookie? I suppose it could be the seat on his commondoor has collapsed !Bhahahahaha

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

JH, secrete service. There you go on bodily fluids again.

8 03 2011
cranston

I have a friend who is 6’8″ and in his younger days he drove a Renault 12 with extended seat rails so he was literally sitting behind the B pillar. He was always being pulled over by police who thought he was driving from the back seat. He gave up and bought a Landcruiser.

7 03 2011
Blueballs

my anti-bogan road gods….

7 03 2011
Troy

Gold! You forgot to mention the bogan’s propensity to change it’s Holden badge for a Chevrolet badge to show how maxtreme it is. What is with that at the moment?

We can explain: http://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/2009/11/18/28-holdens/ TBL

7 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Catch up Troy, we have been banging on about this for ages. Jeez.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I saw one with a Pontiac badge the other. 1 point for something a little different!

8 03 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

That was a factory special edition from last year.

7 03 2011
James Hunter

Foglights on when they are not needed is illegal blinding especially on wet roads,
That said though and Simon will bear this a lot of idiots seem to think that parkers are all you need in fog. crap. anyone who comes down the freeway from Bridgewater to adelaide in the for will know the millions<at least, of idiots that tailgate in pea soup fog with either parkers or even no lights at all. after all it is daylight eh ? the number of multiply rearenders on that road alone bears witness. and it keeps hapening. idiots cannot learn from observation.

8 03 2011
chris

Most of those tools come from Mt Barker, or, as my sis calls it: “The Elizabeth of the hills.”

7 03 2011
urbanreverie

Not only do bogans show a propensity to drive like f#$king idiots, they also tend to cross the roads like f#$king idiots. Honestly, how hard is it to differentiate between “standing red man” and “walking green man”? Don’t they understand that by crossing against the lights you’re holding things up for cars and buses wanting to turn left? And how hard is it to look both ways before you cross and understand that a car travelling at 60km/h can’t stop in five metres?

In fact, so many bogans got killed or injured in the bogue-tastic nightlife precinct of Fortitude Valley that they’ve had to introduce a special Friday & Saturday night only bogan-friendly speed limit of 40km/h.

It all makes me wish that this ad was returned to our TV screens:

7 03 2011
urbanreverie

Grrr, the embed code didn’t work for some reason. I’ll try again:

9 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Once again, like the Seers of Springvale, TISM, did sing, that for some, “Anarchy means crossing when it says ‘Don’t Walk'”.

7 03 2011
pellicle

caution vehicle frequently sideways

should be enough to loose your license just for having it

8 03 2011
Pandabater

My favorite is;

Horn not working
Look for finger

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Like ‘sideways’ is a verb. Tsk tsk.

7 03 2011
8 03 2011
Pendant

How long before we can just put these people to sleep pre-emptively?

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I thought that same thing when I taught high school in the Bogan Far North QLD. Unfortunately, Hitler made it look bad. Stalin had a better idea- send them to the GULAG, although he muffed it up by focusing the discipline on the politicals and not the Russian bogans.

8 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Now there’s a carnt who needs a good glassin’.

8 03 2011
jaydyn

hope mr cochrane’s husband tells him, he’s not waiting, when he’s ramming him in reverse in jail.

asshats like that don’t deserve air.

7 03 2011
OSB

Just wondering what NAB’s with their propensity to waste fuel will do next year or even this year when the government rations fuel…
The mainstream media is NOT reporting this for fear of “consumers” to stop buying stuff, but not only is Libya revolting, but as of March 11 Saudi Arabia may also join the current Middle East revolutionary sprit.
Oil is $104 a barrel, and Australia imports most of it’s oil.
The federal government does have a plan for rationing and sadly, it doesn’t have as a high priority the city long distance commuter. Still, the end of the F3 will clear up markedly in the mornings, so not all bad!

Old School Bogan…..

7 03 2011
Tankasaurus

To the bogan, a red light simply means 3 seconds before the opposing traffic is coming. Of course, he will come to an untimely end should there be another bogan in the opposing traffic, as they are already rolling forward when they see the lights turn yellow.

7 03 2011
trentblog

Great post.

Perhaps the subject of the next post could be Top Gear itself? not that everyone who watches it is a Bogan (although i myself find it rather boring.)

8 03 2011
Benny Hill

I reckon the next one should be on private schools.

8 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Agreed. Private school are uber-NaB.

I went to one for two years when I couldn’t get into a selective school much to the disappointment of my parents – even though this was a fairly prestigious one, it was packed to the hilt with bogans.

I hated every day of it until I managed to get myself expelled.

8 03 2011
chris

Agreed, BH. CUBs just lluuurrrrve the private school. Unfortunately the PACs, Scotch etc are just a little too out of reach what with the balloon payment on the beemers coming up, so they settle for the second-tier cafflick and anglican colleges. Anyone who doubts that this is a genuine TBL has not had the misfortune of living near one of these bogan Taj Mahals as I do.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

It’s funny, you get the ones who don’t give a damn about education and their kids terrorise the state system, then you get the bogans who work hard to send their kids to private schools for the very reason that such behavior cannot be tolerated ie, the state system has no choice as to who it takes, but the privates can kick out the trouble makers.

8 03 2011
chris

I shouldn’t make a judgement on people’s motives for sending their kids to a particular school, but I’ve witnessed enough to suggest that the NAB sends its sprog to a private school as a status symbol; to show it’s neighbours how effluent it has become.
And keeping to the topic; the driving behaviour of these assclowns at the start/finish of the school day is equal to the worst that this thread has offered. Nasty suburbanite Hummer Mummers in their shitty people movers, always with the school crest sticker (look at moi) on one side of the rear window and the “my family” crap on the other. Which makes a nice change from the aussie swazi/f*ck off we’re full combo, I guess.
I could go on, but I can’t be arsed; I’m too angried up.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Yeah kids are kids and you’ll find good kids and bad kids in every school. I observed when I was teaching, that most kids are basically decent people, but it’s the lack of proper upbringing/parental attention/support/boundary setting that turns em bogan. And then there are those who, despite their parents’ best efforts, choose to become bogan. I suppose that can happen in both state and private schools.

9 03 2011
lolplates

After they send them to an Anglican or Roman Catholic school, they complain that they have to do religous ed… I suppose logic and reason don’t really blend with the bogan.

I remember when I was helping set up an Sydney Anglican music/other stuff workshop at Kings. I was out the front shifting some stuff around at the reception area, when a bogan in a honda CR-V tears up the drive way mounts the curb and parks there. The car was plastered with Kings stickers, Kings rowing team and a ‘ a week with out meat makes you weak’ sticker.
The guy was going to see one of the school staff about something, he asked me what was going on, to which he replied ‘farking Christians think they own the place’…. I didn’t have the heart to tell him about Kings.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Bogans seem to like Kings.

8 03 2011
jay

what are ‘rooves’?

8 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

A plural of “roof”; both “roofs” and “rooves” are equally correct.

8 03 2011
jay

as i understand it, ‘rooves’ is disputed-and rightly so-not unlike ‘irregardless’.

It’s correct, or at least used to be in the olden days. And it’s got great mouth feel, unlike “roofs”, which feels like spitting. “Irregardless” is not only wrong, but also something my despised year 10 PE teacher used to say. – Hunter

8 03 2011
jay

‘irregardless’ is defined by macquarie dictionary: another bogan first.

8 03 2011
James Hunter

@Hunter
Thank you Hunter, I was beginning to think I was the only one .As to Irregardless it hardly deserves comment.

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I would say rooves but write roofs. Thanks for asking!

Are you allowed knifes, seems wrong to me.

Pendant?

8 03 2011
James Hunter

Simon , Wonder if it is knives or knifes that are barred from public venues ?
and did the miscreant escape across the rooves or get stuck on the roofs ?. Mind you the out come is the same irregardless !!!
Irregardless is prety stupid made up yank word. it is a double nengative that literally means the opposite if what people use it to say.
Like “inflamable” no that will inflame the idiots. !!!

9 03 2011
Pendant

Knifes is absolutely wrong, in spite of my browser’s spell checker giving it the OK. Damn technology making everyone dumber

What really annoys me is that knife somehow became a verb. When did that happen? I guess it won’t be long before the news bulletin “Tragedy in Brisbane today as a pedestrian was carred by a motorist who ran a red light because ‘people arnt s’posed to be about this time-a-night'”

8 03 2011
James Hunter

rooves are what we had befor the usa cultural imperialists intreoduced roofs
like knives are what you found in the kitchen drawer before we had knifes
and BOT It is nice of you to say both are correct BUT whose opinion is that ? Collins or Miriam websters? not my old Oxford.
Mind you I come from an age when an Oxford was the bible and we couldnt fill ourselves full of usa shite via usa google.
So There !!!

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Bogan LOL story: my husband was driving uphill in his hatchback on a dual carriage main road, and some young bogan in guess what…a Commodore! was tailgaiting him. Said bogan then pulled into the other lane and overtook my husband, and then started fish tailling in front of him to show off. Then, he lost control and crashed onto the footpath!!

Now normally my husband is the sort of guy who’d help someone in an accident, but reasoned that the bogan brought it on himself, so on he drove, chuckling at the justice!

I’ve been driving for 14 years now, and is it me, or do there seem to be more light-running, wank-mobile driving, dead shite bogans on the road than in the late 90’s?

8 03 2011
POMMIE MICK

Central Coast rules of driving

If its been raining you must make sure the tyres squeal as you pull away
One headlight must be out and the other pointing to the sky
If you are a red P plater 2 cm from my bumper at all times
Going straight across a roundabout you must turn on your right indicator.

8 03 2011
Pandabater

Wollongong rules of driving

Red is only a suggestion, you’ve got 3 seconds, don’t waste them.
No red light camera means no red light.

When on a 3 lane road,
if you want to drive 5km/h under the limit, centre lane.
If you want to drive 10km/h under limit, right lane.
If you want to drive on speed limit, left lane.

When turning into driveway or side street, swing out into next lane
before turning, just like a truck ( but when driving Toyota Echo)

19 04 2011
Phil S

- Also-

When attempting a hill start, it is faux pas to use the handbrake (aim for minimum 50cm roll back),

Turning left into an entrance? Always use the right lane – that way you can block both lanes when exercising your “rights, Mate” to turn just how you like

Turning right? Try to aim for double white lines, certainly overtake as many road users as poss. on the left, so you can cause maxtreme holdups to those you are now in front of, whilst you pull in for your morning Maccas.

When joining the Freeway, NEVER, EVER check the traffic flow! Also it’s bad practice to match your speed to that of the existing traffic (well, since you are ignoring the existing traffic, this is a bit academic anyhow!). Indicating before the event is for sissies, and it’s best if you can position yourself alongside a vehicle, for maxtreme stress induction in the “opponent”!. The idea is to force “them” to make emergency speed adjustments, or swerve into the outer lanes (usually in front of the big B-Double haring along at maxtreme speeds)!

ALWAYS join at a much LOWER speed than existing traffic. Once you have forced your way in (and induced apoplexy in others), THEN is the time to demonstrate your awesome horsepower, so accelleration max, swerve into the right hand lane (extra points for squeezing into a space just large enough to physically accommodate your car – i.e. NIL clearance front or rear), and remain attached to the bumper of the car in front as long as practicable. Note that more than 1 metre gap at speeds of 100 km/hr is regarded as only for sissies!

When already on the Freeway (in the right hand lane of course), the best place to move across into the left lane is at the merging point of a joining slip road – and you get extra points if there’s a lot of joining traffic. Aim for maxtreme angst in the “joinees”, and remember to indicate your intentions AFTER completion of the manouevre. Extra points if your exit road is more than 10km distant!!

– Welcome to Wollongong – acc. to the local Council – “Wollongong welcomes safe drivers”- Really?? REALLY?? Homicidal might be nearer to the truth!

19 04 2011
Phil S

“They drive round the bends with the greatest of speeds,
– Those daring young things with the Red and Green “P”‘s!!

(with apologies to those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines”!!

8 03 2011
The Bogan from 'Berra

Canberra rules of driving

1. There are no rules.
2. Under no circumstances should you ever use your indicator
3. Lane markings, traffic advisory signs and speed limits are merely suggestions
4. Ensure you only slow down for 100m either side of a speed and/or red light camera
5. See rule 1

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Charlie Sheen update – He gets fired and continues to prove he is batsh*t crazy. Happy days.

“This is very good news,” Sheen said in a statement about the firing. “They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshisc*ck again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

In the second installment of Sheen’s Korner, broadcast Sunday night, Sheen appeared to threaten to slit the throats of children as part of a rant.

“I’m gonna write my sermons, I’m gonna deliver them like truth torpedoes, and people are gonna f***ing take it or leave it,” he said. “We know they’re gonna take it cause they can’t process it, so they must condemn it, and if they can’t condemn it, they’ll like f***ing turn me into a god and worship it, and realise I’m behind them, cutting their throats, and their children’s.”

8 03 2011
Mr Q

Martin Sheen must be so proud….

8 03 2011
chris

Wasn’t he a bit of a hell-raiser in his younger days? At least there wasn’t teh interweb for him to be a prat on.

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Martin sure was but at least he didn’t think he was a warlock.

8 03 2011
chris

Watched “Platoon” the other night; it was nice to see Sheen the moderately-talented actor rather than Sheen the drug-f*cked douchebag.

8 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

So did I, ABC2 I think.

You could sort of see he had the potential to turn into a douche but did a pretty good job in that movie. Still not a patch on senior in Apocalypse though.

8 03 2011
GoldCoaster

And he’s laughing all the way to the bank, no matter how big a phallus-forehead he may be.

8 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

He is a dead set genius.

He’s milking this for all it’s worth, getting the world’s attention and living the bogan male’s dream while he’s at it.

8 03 2011
Tombarina

Man, that’s a whole lot of crazy to have in one place.

And I thought Mr Gaddaffi was potty.

8 03 2011
??

excellent. been waiting for this post for ages. because of these dicks, i haven’t driven for 4 years. still, i was nearly taken out by a black hi-lux ute last november trying to cross the road on a green light.

8 03 2011
Vviv2

You have to have a sense of adventure!!

8 03 2011
Lucky Star

I saw a classic old skool bogan that would fit into this category this morning. He/she was driving a beat up, faded 80’s Ford Fairlane of the vilest green colour with a brand new “I AM THE STIG” sticker on the back. He was driving into the city like he genuinely thought he was The Stig, too.

8 03 2011
Blueballs

I had a four hour drive in Pakistan this morning. Jacobabad to Dadu, your garden variety Bogan in his piece of shit ‘modoor would’t last twenty minutes on that road before running headfirst into a comically overloaded Bedford Jingle Truck loaded with 90 tonnes of wheat.

Then I had an idea perhaps the government can fund ‘Self drive’ tours to Pakistan… that’ll thin the Bogan herd out significantly and the lucky few that survive will forever be in awe of “farkin Paki taxi drivers” and re-educated into responsible road users! You’d have to let em loose in Islamabad first, just to give them a false sense of security and road etiquette before turning them out on the rest of the country and ensuing chaos!

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

LOL that would mesh well with TBA’s latest Boganomics Post, the Bogan Trading Scheme.

8 03 2011
Tombarina

Dear Nuclear-Grade K-Nobs

Why do you seek to enhance your PowerSexBeastMobile with wanky chrome exhaust extensions, sponsor-type stickers and racing stripes?

Do you think they’re a shot at Bathurst? At F1? That someone’s going to mistake your tizzied-up 1997 Mitsubishi Lancer for a bulk hectic street machine with drift potential?

Newsflash, dickhead: you’re not Brockie or Lowndesie or Skaifie – you’re Dave, the sad little Bunnings shelf-stacker/Rio Tinto mine pig/junior medical supplies sales rep, who lives at home under mum’s place and secretly listens to a bit of Gaga when your mates aren’t around.

You’ll know when you’re a fair-dinkum racing driver, because you’ll wake up in the 2-star luxury of Twin Waters Resort with a bunch of other slow-witted sports types, vying for the dubious honour of being the Rexona Australia Greatest Athlete. Ever.

Until then, take your hand off it. And lose the racing stripes, you gargantuan knob.

Fond regards
Tomba

9 03 2011
chris

Marry me, Tomby, and have my children. :-D

9 03 2011
Tombarina

*blushes girlishly*

9 03 2011
Mr Q

Dear Tomba

Fuckin’ 1997 Mitsubishi Lancer? The only reason to drive one of them farkin’ Mitsubishi Ricemobiles is that you don’t have the cash for a proper V8, in which case you’ve gotta get a job up on the farkin’ mines, or take out proper finance to get a fuckin’ Chevrolet yoot like a real Oztrayan. Have you ever seen a Mitsubishi win at Bathurst? If a farkin’ car maker doesn’t have Bathurst as it’s first and only priority, then their farkin’ cars are second farkin’ rate, driven by carnts who just don’t understand rool Oztrayan bloody roads. That foreign shit should be sent back where it farkin’ comes from.

As for mentionin’ that Mitsubishi word in the same sentence as the holy trinity of Brockie, Lowndsey and Skaifey, well that just marks you as a farkin’ carnt who has no respec’ for the proper Ozzie values of petrol, V8s and farkin’ stickin’ the Southern Cross on the back windscreen. Drivin’ my car the way I do is to honour the bloody legend that is Bathurst. Might not get to drive there, but I can bloody well drive like I’m there. That’s why I bought a farkin’ V8 ya carnt.

yours farkin’ sincerely
A. Farkin’ Bogan

9 03 2011
Tombarina

Dear Mr Q

I do so wish you would pop over my way and explain your perfectly sensible logic to the wombats I encounter most days on my way to work.

They drive their cruddy little cars like they stole them. I have nothing against the ricemobile – I drive one myself because it’s (A) cheap to run, and (B) easy to park.

I’m sure these junior knobheads will indeed graduate to something more worthy of the Brockie legacy, of which each of them believes they carry the mantle. And at that point, I hope the little tools will wrap their $*@ing V8 around a tree, rather than my sole progeny, who is just getting his licence.

Shall now away and self-glass, as I’m clearly a tree-huggin’, unOrztrayan, p00fta, lezo latte-sipper with a tenuous-at-best connection with the Rool World.

Kindest regards
Tomba
(PS: love your work!)

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

I have a Lancer too. My second – the last one was written off by an unlicenced bogan in Beenleigh (crashed into me at 70km/h from behind when I was stopped at a traffic light). They’re good, reliable cars – never break down (knock on wood).

10 03 2011
Pendant

I had a ’93 Lancer for a while – the bonnet catch failed when I was doing 80 on the M1 and it flew up and smashed the windscreen, after which I never drove it again (it also had brake and transmission problems prior). I imagine it all has to do with one of the prior owners being a bogan though

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

oh dear! I never liked the “round bum” Lancers and now I have a reason.
Some friends though it would be funny to play with the windscreen wipers on my 83 red “rotten tomato” Nissan Pulsar and one day (soon after), I was driving to uni on the M1, and one wiper flew back and stabbed straight through the window nearly taking my eye out! Not so funny then!

10 03 2011
lolplates

Hence why I drive a GTR, remember group A? :P

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

*balls tingle*
still running the 2.6 or have you stroked it out?

I’m running a 3.1 calais block.

Or, dare I ask – a 3.8?

10 03 2011
Clairebbbear

You’re right that bogues sneer at people with 4-cylinder cars, but only if they’re Anglo Bogues. Wogans love smaller cars if they’re sufficiently hotted up – think Subaru WRX, Lancers, Skylines, various Hondas and Toyotas.

Also, your basic Commodore or Falcon isn’t bogan unless you mean old school bogan. Bogans have to hot it up in some way, whether it’s having it painted in an unusual colour or adding rear spoilers (which I am yet to see the point of), mag wheels or stupid exhausts. Even a nascent bogue on P-plates will do something with his Falcodore to boganise it, even if it’s just adding a gothic font sticker or a personalized licence plate.

Plus, my partner drives a Falcon and I don’t want to have to dump him!

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

without going into aerodynamics –

For road-going cars, even non-performance ones, there is a sound reason for putting a lip extension onto the rear deck (boot) of the car, ie one that sits flush with the body work and extends the flat plane of the boot back slightly (duck tail spoiler). this can reduce the coefficient drag and make the car use less fuel.

However, the bogan has a penchant for the spoiler that has two vertical upright posts and a horizontal deck between the two. The bigger the better. In theory, it creates downforce and pushes the rear wheels of the car onto the ground, enhancing high-speed traction. However for the most part a) they’re angled wrong, hence creating lift b) on a front-drive car, reducing grip on front wheels and c) on cars that aren’t really capable of cracking 180kph (at which point they do help stability, a bit).

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

yep, I think lancers came 1, 2 and 4 in last year’s bathurst 12 hour (the rice mobiles have been banned from the main race since 1992, whereafter it was dubbed v8 stupor-cars or similar).

10 03 2011
martin

Ha ha. People who take their shitbox Asian cars seriously are gigantic tools indeed.

I think a Lancer stock is about 75kw, put a bigger exhaust on there, lower it, and I think you might get about 76kw. To put it in perspective I think a v6 ss commodore has about 160kw. A $100k beemer sedan has about 225-250kw.

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

I think lancers have been up around 210kw since about evo VI? Not much chop on torque though. Also they’re surprisingly lightweight given the 4WD setup, so power to weight ratio isn’t horrendous and good launch capability.
Not as good as the skyline though.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

http://www.adelaidemotors.com.au/scripts/main.asp?PageID=12712&ModelID=1000172&ModelCategoryID=12

Tell me this is not the stupidist car currently for sale. Pig ugly, just saw one drive past and had to look twice to check my eyes were not wrong.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Almost…The PT cruiser gets my vote for the most revolting vehicle… almost as bed as a volvo

9 03 2011
chris

The PT cruiser is one daft-looking vehicle, however nothing, but nothing screams “clueless bogan” like the 300C

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I would not buy one but I kind of like it’s pimpishness. No pretence about that car. I would feel like Tony Soprano driving that. Driving the BMW would just be embarrasing.

9 03 2011
chris

Judging by some of the comical acts I’ve seen alighting from 300Cs around town, most of their owners think they are Tony Soprano. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one. I’m guessing you have the same attitude towards them as I have with the Veyron.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

If you think driving a Veyron would make your life complete then yes.

9 03 2011
chris

Nope. I just admire them as an aesthetic hunk of metal.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I would sell a kidney.

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

I would take an SRT chrysler 300C hemi v8, just for the pure comedy value.

10 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

If I ever did consider the 300C—of which I wouldn’t, but let’s say in this case I did—I would go for the CRDi diesel V6 version, just to be perverse.

I mean, the modern interpretation of a difinitive badass Yank Tank, beloved by gangsters and gangstas…running on tractor juice, with a clattering soundtrack to match!

11 03 2011
James Hunter

BOT,Do you have some emotional problem with diesels ?

11 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Not at all, JH.

I once owned a 1980 Mercedes-Benz W123 300D saloon: utterly unbreakable, if not a little too grandfatherly for a man them in his late 20s. I dubbed it Der Traktor.

My next car would most likely be another diesel; they have come a very long way in the last 15-or-so years, with turbo, particulate filters, urea injection and common-rail fuel delivery systems. I’d most likely plump for a VW Golf GTD, Audi A4 2.0 TDIe or, if I can stretch, an Audi TT TDI (now there’s perverse for you!)

11 03 2011
James Hunter

BOT Thank(deity of choice) for that. I am addicted to PSA diesels and am on my second Citroen C5 . Can’t kill them with a stick. super economy and the present one is the discontinued 2.2 125Kw400Nm . goes like stink if you ask it the question but on the freeway on cruise controll with the air on 115 set and 6.4 ltr/100 Km thats at about 1900 RPM.
Why would you buy a 3 or 4 or OMG 6 ltr petrol motor?

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

LOL it looks like a slug.

9 03 2011
chris

Oh yeah? (bottom lip starts quivering). YOU look like a slug.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

No you do! Nya nya, nya-nya nya!

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I assume she means the BMW. No one doubts the Veyron and survives.

9 03 2011
9 03 2011
chris
9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

He should never be allowed behind the wheel again. Just ship it over here when the repairs are done.

9 03 2011
AlyssaKT

that was a long link Simon!

How’s this model?

perhaps not a slug, but good for catching bugs!

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

I’m still not quite up with the intricacies of the interwebby and linking stuff.

9 03 2011
AlyssaKT

I don’t know how to do that “tiny url” thing either – but when I search in Google Images and click on one, the new page will offer “Full-size Image” on the RHS – clicking on that results in a smaller link, with no background BS :D

9 03 2011
AlyssaKT

oh! And speaking of Google – here is (one of) the website(s) that convert/s URLs for you!

http://tinyurl.com/

now we are set!

9 03 2011
Vviv2

VERY handy, thank you :-D

9 03 2011
martin

What a toss box. If you’re going to be ostentatious and spend an obscene amount of money give me a ford mustang any day.

Now that’s just rad:

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Christ Martin, American sh*tbox. It would corner with all the aplomb of Oprah. You need Italian if you are spending obscene.

9 03 2011
martin

Who gives a shit about cornering? It’s about looking sick. If you want an all around top notch race car you can’t beat a boring old porsche. Plus it’d take way more driving skill to go fast in a mustang than your poncy bugatti.

It’s about character, and giving respect to the free market and all foundations of the idealisms that we live under. Bugatti wreaks of fuedalism, berlusconi and elite corruption.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

You couldn’t go fast in the Mustang. It would break before you got it out the driveway. If you want true car porn then this Pom will do.

9 03 2011
Pandabater

Martin you want the Viper.
Clarkson said it would be
like owning an elephant.
Both stupid & wonderful
at the same time.

9 03 2011
martin

Yes I like the viper too.

10 03 2011
Vviv2

Oh yes! Love mustangs, especially the ’64-’65

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Hm, pretty sleek!

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I mean the BMW.

9 03 2011
chris

(sniff), that’s ok then.

9 03 2011
AlyssaKT

looks like a Hyandai to me

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

That is DEFINITELY slug-like.

9 03 2011
chris

Blech… I can see one of those towing a jetski.

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

And decorated with those hideous “My family” stickers.

9 03 2011
martin

I wouldn’t say it’s pig ugly, just stupid and poncy looking. That whole slightly-extended-hatchback thing is f#cked. Like the mazdarx8. Very lame. I can’t see them selling many of those.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Don’t discount the Nissan Skyline….all the best bogans learn to drift in them

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

So what sort of bogan knows how to drift in a Nissan Pulsar sedan?

9 03 2011
Vviv2

A second rate one….

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Oh he was lucky to be second rate. You’re very generous!

9 03 2011
Vviv2

LMAO, I can only speak of the bogans in Melbourne, or at least my part of it.
I’m not hanging it on the petrol guzzlers though…I have an XWGT. (Rarely driven!)

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

This guy actually had some brain and consciously became a bogan. He wanted to be a bogan. That’s an odd sort of bogan. He became a primary school teacher to pass his boganity on to impressionable kids.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Child abuse? :-O

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Infecting children with the bogan virus.

12 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

no way!?
I always saw you as more of an EH with white walls and a venetian.

12 03 2011
Vviv2

No, though the EH is easy to work on….but that’s all you ever do – work on them!

I rarely drive it because it’s a bogan magnet – park it somewhere & when you return, bogans are all around, SITTING on it to get their photos taken. Like the driver of any car is going to be happy with that!

Mind you, the look on their faces when they realise a female is driving it is priceless!

16 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

I may be confusing you with someone else…

9 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Insurance companies should charge bogans higher premiums and lower ours.

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

They do – ever tried to insure a HSV or WRX?

11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

No I haven’t, but it’s good to know now!

11 03 2011
AlyssaKT

No doubt all of our insurance premiums are higher because of the turkeys on the road though…

11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Yeah like all those stupid laws enacted for the 10% of people doing the wrong thing.

9 03 2011
Tombarina

NEWSFLASH: A Story No Australian Can Afford To Miss coming up on Today Tonight.

Saw the promo last night for some crap piece on unroadworthy caravans being sold to dim-witted and therefore unsuspecting Aussie Battlas.

What made me giggle was the promo’s warning of, and I quote: “Caravans of TERROR”.

Do they roam in packs? Are they territorial? Is this blight limited to caravans, or do we also need to beware the Winnebagos of Woe? The Viscounts of Violence? The Jaycos of Some-Bad-Thing-Starting-With-J? We could barely sleep last night for fear of a gang of pop-tops breaking in and cutting our throats in our beds.

CARAVANS OF TERROR! Don’t say you weren’t warned…..

Ah, Today Tonight: giving Australians news they can use. Bless you.

9 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

*goes and hides under bed in fear of Caravans of Terror*

Thanks for the warning Tomba.

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

I saw that ad too! Quelle horreur!

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Saw this one about a cop on their website, which I looked up in response to your post: Speed Camera Saviour
She’s called the “speed camera saviour”, and if her challenge against a speeding fine is successful, it could make thousands of other penalties null and void.

10 03 2011
p'bee

and then three weeks later tt will do a story on these horrible speeders putting boguelet’s lives in danger.

10 03 2011
Will S

I caught some of that episode. There was a shonky builder story, and they said that because they received so many calls for help, they hired a bus and put all these people on it to go protest.

They called it the “Today Tonight Justice Bus”.

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

“Today Tonight Bogan Bus”.

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

Drawing upon the logic of such visionaries as vlad the impaler…

Once you had all the loudest, most vociferously-whinging bogans all confined neatly within the bus, couldn’t a self-sacrificing bogan infiltrator simply drive like an a–hole straight off the nearest cliff?

Just a thought.

11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

A sacrifice for the good of the many. Who came up with utilitarianism?

10 03 2011
Mr Q

Surely “Today Tonight Bogan” would be a textbook example of a tautology?

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

no, not a tautology, because there are all different types of bogan, and the TT/ACA bogan is a subset, so is a legitimate qualifier in my view.

(ie all those who non-ironically watch TT/ACA are bogans; but not all bogans watch TT/ACA).

10 03 2011
p'bee

and then there’s those who’ll watch one show while looking down their nose at those who watch the other.

11 03 2011
devil's advocate

I liked whichever one had Anna Coren on it. And once she was gone no longer liked it.
I only watched it for irony/comedy value, but once she was gone it just wasn’t the same.

11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

She’s flamin’ hilarious!!!

11 03 2011
devil's advocate

the segues had gotten to the point of being so ridiculous and contrived that even she herself didn’t take them seriously, but she never even flinched. That is the mark of a true professional.

Samantha Armytage, as a contrasting example, can barely stop bursting out laughing.

11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I’m not familiar with her. I don’t often get to see the Bogan News, but I lived with my dad for a few years and he would watch ACA so he could yell at the TV. It was his outlet, and I got to chuckle.

9 03 2011
Vviv2

Tomba, it’s true! They DO roam in packs!
If you ever venture on highway1 in April through July/August you will find not just packs of them…. THOUSANDS of them as they migrate west & north in search of a warm place to winter, & then on the return migration homeward.
They prowl the highways at ferocious speeds , (some up to 75KPH!),from 4-5AM in order to make it to the destination of choice by 2PM. (to claim the best positions in the wayside stop or C/van park ).
Pity the poor truck driver wanting to rest or relieve themselves…. there’s almost always a caravan parked right at the start of each wayside stop, having a cup of tea, & leaving the surrounding trees festooned with teabags.
The woeful winnebagos tend to form thier own pack, so they can compare prices etc, but can often be spyed lurking near parks & beaches. Having paid so much for their “motorhomes’, they are then reluctant to fork out for nightly parking in a van park, where they might have to rub shoulders with those unfortunate enough NOT to own a whinge-bago.
If you do encounter a pack of ‘vanners’, be warned:They will know your life’s history in minutes, & you in turn will have to listen to THIERS for hours….

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I got stuck behind 8 of them creeping along a winding country road one day. I swear they putt along on fart power.

10 03 2011
James Hunter

They do not understand the road rules require them to maintain the same distance between vehicles as do heavy trucks. i.e. no Convoying. Specifically so those overtaking can do so one at a time with room to pull in safely.
As I have done a share of Truck and bus(including trailer buses ) driving on the highways I can assure they are not only frustrating but very much a danger to themselves and to everyone else on the road.

Combined with vans incorrectly loaded with no anti sway rods and the resulting fishtailing should have them of the road and locked up.
It would if they were a truckie.

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

It’s a double standard then, isn’t it James! I generally keep away from them.

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

“You don’t have to drive a Commodore to be a bogan, but it sure helps.”

10 03 2011
David

Surely the next post has to be Charlie Sheen. Bogans left, right and centre are worshiping him.

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

because he’s ‘bi-winning’!!

haha – what a car crash.

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

How can bogans quote 2.5 men? I have never heard it happen.

The reason is, unlike say the simpsons or seinfeld, there are no memorable quotes that make sense in a variety of contexts eg: “Lisa, if the bible has taught us nothing else- and it hasn’t”
“You don’t win friends with salad” or
“not that there’s anything wrong with that”.

Even How I met your mother has Barney Stinson catchphrases such as “suit up” or “legen- wait for it…”

But the charlie sheen show has not a single memorable one-liner to its multi-year history.

TBL, please enlighten us.

10 03 2011
AlyssaKT

haha – true.

I also heard Charlie was very happy to not have to wear those “stupid shirts” ever again.

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

I forgot to mention larry david in kerb your enthusiasm saying “prettay, prettay, prettay goooood!”

That is all.

10 03 2011
martin

“I’m out of the nice business!”

You might say “schmohawk” as well.

Looking forward to season 8 this year.

I thought 2 and a half men was just the same handful of jokes repeated over about, 5-10 seasons or whatever they’re up to.

“hur hur Charlie’s a drunk, is rich as shit but never did any work, and has 5 new girlfriends every half hour”.

“hur hur the kid is fat and dumb and will never amount to much”

“hur hur Alan is a loser even though he worked hard to become a chiropracter and did the right thing by his wife”

I can’t believe it rates 7.7 on imdb.com, well I can. I had to look it up because I didn’t know Alan’s name.

11 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

bravo.

also “See? That’s why we can’t have nice things!”
Xtacles.
and
“And that is how you get ants!”
Archer.
gold
fuck charlie sheen. hope the voices tell him to blow his head off on camera otherwise I’ll keep ignoring him.
and you know what?
I accidentally heard a promo or some shit for K#le and J#ckie O today and, this is no joke, it is seriously, obviously and deliberately targeted at Fucktards. Someone did the research and decided “This is exactly what Fucktards want!” and set about ruthlessly milking Phatt Phucktard BuxXX via the magic of Stage Kraff and this pair of Vacuous Singularity.
I’ll keep ignoring them too, unless they want to race sam newman through a woodchipper or something.

10 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Yes. He is surely part of the bogan pantheon, up there with Fev and Warnie.

10 03 2011
devil's advocate

It’s out of place in this topic but since it’s been mentioned – the warnie thing baffles me.

How can he sustain a bogan’s attention for so long?

Sure, they appreciate the fact that he does the same stuff as them but more successfully (eg sending dodgy texts but actually landing chicks with them; ill-informed gambling actually paying off etc).

But he is unable to deliver on what I consider to be the bogan mind-candy that appeals to their ADHA-instant-gratification-needing brains. Like ultra violence, t@a, simple one-liners or sarcasm, or some combination thereof, broken down into bite-sized chunks and monosyllable catchphrases or soundbites.

I don’t get it.

10 03 2011
Clairebbbear

It’s because he finds new ways to make himself more appealing to the bogan. I was hoping he’d be less in the spotlight after he retired, but then he went into TV which is a surefire way to keep the bogan’s attention, as is shagging lots of people and driving flash cars.

He also manages to do so many things the bogan aspires to, sometimes before they realise they aspire to it – such as getting a hair transplant, having plastic surgery, liking and being on Top Gear, playing poker for $, cosying to celebrities on Twitter. He’s even tweeted to Julia Gillard about how he wants back more of His Taxpayer Dollars.

Him not having the smart quote or the mega influence of a Charlie Sheen doesn’t really matter. For bogans, he is the everyman made good, and he’s made it in the Real World by Being Real and by thinking and behaving like they do.   

Basically, he is the Bogan Oracle.

10 03 2011
Vviv2

Makes you want to retire from the whole world!
*shakes head*
So much genuine news out there, our soldiers dying, mass extinctions, global warming…. but morons like Warnie make headlines for finding a famous bonk….
WHO CARES??

11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Bogans care. Global worrrrming, rag-heads killin’ our blokes, and mass extinshuns? There were too many F#@$$ geese anyway!

Sorry folks, real news ain’t bread and circuses.

10 03 2011
p'bee

well as belle and sebastian sang last night when i saw them ‘i’m not living in the real world’.

11 03 2011
devil's advocate

I can fully understand why bogues like the *idea* of shane warne. But it’s just painful to watch him.

Even when he was playing cricket.

10 03 2011
Benny Hill

This may have been covered earlier but those who have front wheel drive cars whom I seen in Micky D’s car parks with food trays under the rear wheels drifting around the car park are fucking awesome.

11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

They are f%$#@&@ idiots.

11 03 2011
Benny Hill

Sorry GoldCoaster, I meant fucking idiots, someone must have swapped the awesome key and the idiot key on my keyboard.

11 03 2011
AlyssaKT

you lost me at “whom I seen”

15 03 2011
Benny Hill

Oh god, maybe I should have listening in English class instead of finger banging the my indigenous girlfriend.

15 03 2011
Benny Hill

Insert ‘been’ you know where.

15 03 2011
AlyssaKT

I think you’ve inserted enough.

11 03 2011
James Hunter

only works on front drive cars with rear wheel hand brakes. some front drives put em on the front where they actually work

10 03 2011
p'bee

does the picture remind anyone else of number 5 in the movie short circuit? or is it just me?

10 03 2011
martin

Yeah it does look like it now that you mention it.

10 03 2011
TheBattlersPrince

Haiku for you all, inspired by Ceelo Green (alas I cannot claim credit to this)

I see you driving
‘Round town with the girl I love
And I’m like, Haiku.

11 03 2011
11 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Ooohhhh, where’s our Friday Boganomics fix? And a thing bogans like? Are TBL off on a holiday? I need some mental titillation!

11 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

Boganomics apology
Posted by Boganomics in Boganomics on Mar 11th, 2011 | 4 comments

Boganomics apologies for its absence this week and will return next week.

http://macrobusiness.com.au/author/Boganomics/

11 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Seeing as TBL are giving us f*ck all here is a quiz for you all in honour of Chuck Norris birthday. Caution, he will know if you get any wrong and hunt you down. Enjoy.

10 fact, 10 fiction. Can you separate the man from the made-up?

1. To be or not to be is irrelevant to Chuck Norris, because he is both.

2. When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push up. He pushes the earth down.

3. Chuck Norris is a six-time undefeated World Professional MiddleWeight Karate Champion and hero of more than 23 feature films.

4. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Chuck Norris was the recipient of the Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award in 1990.

6. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

7. Chuck Norris is a devout Christian and reads the bible every morning with his wife Gena.

8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear sunscreen, the sun wears Chuck Norris-screen.

9. Chuck Norris worked as a Commissioned Police Officer in Texas.

10. There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ beard, just another fist.

11. In 1991, Chuck Norris with his team and sponsor “Popeye Chicken” won the World Off Shore Powerboat championships.

12. Chuck Norris played archangel Matthew in Bells of Innocence, a film about dueling spiritual forces, directed by his son, a Christian moviemaker.

13. Chuck Norris can pin a nail to a wall using MC Hammer.

14. Born Carlos Ray in 1940 in Ryan, Oklahoma, Norris was nicknamed “Chuck” by a Hispanic barrack mate during Air Force boot camp.

15. Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

16. Chuck Norris says he was the only celebrity to publicly promote and applaud Mel Gibson’s movie The Passion that didn’t star in it.

17. Chuck Norris does not need Twitter… he is already following you.

18. Chuck Norris believes part of the “divine plan for his life” came when he first stepped into the world of martial arts while on his military tour in Korea.

19. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

20. Chuck Norris released a statement about the fictional Chuck norris facts; ‘I’ve seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s quite surprising.”

11 03 2011
devil's advocate

I can get all those correct, but I cheated cos I read his article in cigar afficionado magazine (why good guys smoke cigars) which is basically a short biography.

11 03 2011
p'bee

the chuck norris meme suffered a bit when norris starred in an ad for mike huckabee during the republican preselection before the last presidential election.

11 03 2011
James Hunter

I think they are all true.

11 03 2011
Pandabater

What # SPF will protect you from the Norris.

11 03 2011
James Hunter

Pandabeater,
Chuck is a deity, you either have faith or you do not. sorry o unbeliever.

11 03 2011
martin

Chuck Norris was best in that Bruce Lee movie when he got whooped by Bruce. Bruce did some special move and paralysed him down one side of his body.

11 03 2011
Davo

Just received a fine for being run over on my bike. It would seem the police would rather you ride your bike through a dangerous intersection (one notorious for people running red lights) than ride at walking pace along the footpath, just in case a shit driver wants to change his mind on which direction he wants to go without looking. If i’d been walking i would’ve been fucked. $119 for riding on the footpath

13 03 2011
AlyssaKT

do you expect drivers to stop for you to ride across zebra crossings too?

11 03 2011
Andrew

I remember the days when people like you – i.e. bigots who boost their self-esteem by looking down on groups of different groups of people that they feel superior to – used to make jokes about Asians being hopeless drivers.

That’s no longer socially acceptable, but you can get away with making jokes about how stupid and pathetic “bogans” are – right? And it’s hilarious! Or so you think….

Whoever is behind this blog is truly nasty, and a coward.

You get off on sneering at abstract groups in society that you feel superior to – hence you’re nasty.

And you pick on a group that no-one is going to criticise you for picking on (“bogans”)- hence you’re a coward.

And to all the people who find this blog entertaining – you’re nasty and cowardly.

Truly contemptible!

11 03 2011
James Hunter

Andrew,
go take your medication , there now thats the way and stay away from high places and sharp objects. A few days and you will be OK. If not don’t call me.

11 03 2011
Vviv2

Andrew,
Are you not sitting there pontificating & feeling Sooooo superior to us?
We hurt no-one with our humour, because there is a bit of bogan in everyone….Or did we hit a nerve? Recognise yourself did you?
If you are so truly pathetic as to have no sense of humour at all, I suggest you bugger of & get a dog up you!

11 03 2011
Vviv2

*off*

11 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

hear! hear!
I’ve been meaning to bring some of those things up for some time now.
for shame youse

11 03 2011
p'bee

i think you’ll find it is bogans who make generalisations about things like ‘asian drivers’.

14 03 2011
chubbybloodfart
14 03 2011
p'bee

well, he is one of the bogan’s favoured prophets.

12 03 2011
urbanreverie

The problem here, my dear Andrew, is that you are asking us to extend to bogans the same courtesy that they steadfastly refuse to extend to others.

As for nastiness – nobody here has ever really surpassed the unmitigated nastiness of the bogan, whose vile hatred for anything different to itself – as evinced by countless comments to threads on news.com.au or vox pops on Today Tonight or general lack of civility to fellow members of the human race – certainly puts itself into the realm of the nasty.

And as for cowardice – what can be more cowardly than using a broken schooner to attack whomever you perceived to have the audacity to glance at your girlfriend? And also, the bogan’s propensity for road rage – you can’t deny that hiding behind 1450kg of metal while you tailgate / refuse to let someone pass / flash your lights / honk your horn is pretty cowardly.

Just remember, Andrew – and I’ll keep saying this until it penetrates that cranium of yours – being a bogan has NOTHING to do with class or status, and EVERYTHING to do with attitude and intellect.

The bogan can start travelling the path towards being less bogan today, if only it wanted to. It can go spend ten bucks on a Popular Penguin, it can start watching and listening to the ABC and SBS, it can go to its local council’s art gallery, it can learn a trade or profession which takes genuine humility and discipline, it can choose to repent and start showing respect and tolerance to its fellow citizens.

But the bogan doesn’t want to. And as long as it doesn’t want to, we’ll be here, despite your hollow admonitions, constantly assaulting the bogan with the most powerful weapon known to mankind – our laughter.

12 03 2011
Davo

It is their attitude, they’re always in a rush to get to the fuck all they have to do. To be more maxtreme than the people that don’t give a shit. To be smarter than those that know to much about usless crap. Boganism is a plague destroying western civilisation. It is more serious than anything humans ever encountered. If boganism takes hold in Australia it will be like the domino effect. Indonesia, New Zealand, Pupua New Guinea, even Fiji will fall.

12 03 2011
martin

Spot on urban.

Good bogans are just too few and far between to be of any significance. So I guess they’re not really bogans if they’re good. :)

12 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Andrew, you had the same whinge last time mum let you near the computer. Time for new material champ.

13 03 2011
Rob

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew……
We’re not making jokes about how stupid and pathetic bogans are – we’re dead serious.
This blog IS mostly hilarious.
We don’t just FEEL superior to bogans – we ARE superior!
We’re sneering at 95% of the Ostrayan population.
We’re not nasty, cowardly, or contemptible-we’re smart people who see and comment on how fucking lost, pointless and manipulated our mainstream culture is.
You write well, so you ain’t no full tilt bogan. Come and hang with this crew……..

15 03 2011
GoldCoaster

LOL Andrew, you’re taking this all too seriously!

11 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

anyway
extraordinary weather and Crimestoppers have conspired to cause me to review my immediate life directions vis a vis early retirement and certain other lifestyle accoutrements, accents and proclivities and buy an old Land Rover Discovery V8i for work. In accordance with sound permaculture principles the vehicle has a number of uses beyond that just mentioned, the least of which being fu#king off over that big hill right there when the revolution comes nothwithstanding, that’s not the point just now.
no.
The point is that for the first week i owned it I had to wonder if there was something wrong with the speedo. seemed everyone was going quicker than me. and fair enough, it’s a bit of a thirsty girl (I’ll gas it) so I’m not exactly giving it the jandal, but nonetheless, it does have a bit of a throaty v8 rumble, don’t get me wrong; this vehicle is designed for digging holes, not winning races, but we swear the mere sound of it causes a 36% increase in boganity in vehicles around us and in high boganity cases some suggestions of exponential aggregegations of surplus boganity via some sort of osmotic/pheremonic process involving environmental automotive wheel brake lining particulate residue and random left over molecules of Lynx impacting directly and simultaneously on the hypothalamus, pineal glands and the carrot bag causing the bogan to hallucinate it’s ford courier is a Ferrari and it’s penis measures slightly above the mean for both girth and length, have been bandied about.

13 03 2011
Davo

When you talk to bogans, do they look at you like your some kind of poofo.
True about the sound. My old shit box makes the bogan drool, especialy since the tail pipe fell off.

14 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

no.
when I talk to bogans I talk like a bogan.
I take dexamphetamine for ADD and on the weekends I smoke pot.
and I write sh!t like that.

11 03 2011
urbanreverie

It’s Friday night, so it must be time for another episode of …

THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!

(THE SCENE: A brightly-lit, non-descript, one-story brick building with wall-to-ceiling plate-glass windows three minutes’ drive from BOGUE’s McMansion. It is surrounded by a car park large enough to land the Hindenburg on and has a 30-foot high internally-illuminated sign out on the street advertising the tavern, bistro, bottle shop and pokies available within.

Attached to the side of the building is an enclosure, laughably called “the beer garden”, consisting of beige plastic tables and umbrellas bolted fast to the concrete floor, all surrounded by a galvanised iron pool fence. It is Friday night and the pub and the beer “garden” are full of boisterous, obnoxious people whose testosterone concentrations far outweigh their IQs.

BOGUE swaggers out the front door, says bye to the black-clad, gum-chewing, hair-gelled security moron, and walks past the enclosure.)

BOGUE: (bangs the pool fence with his fist) Oi! See ya later, fellas. I gotta get home and get me kids their dinner!

(Other bogues inside howl their assorted farewells, such as “See ya later mate”, “take it easy champ” and “catch ya on the site on Sundee mornin’!”)

(BOGUE gets into his electric-blue Ford Falcon XR6, starts it, drives it a few hundred metres towards his McMansion, and strays over the centreline as he rounds a slight bend)

BOGUE: (sees flashing red and blue lights in his rear vision mirror) Oh, fer fark’s sake! (pulls over along a deserted, poorly-lit stretch of road lined with back fences on either side)

(Two policemen, an older, greying, corpulent, moustached SERGEANT and a younger, leaner, metrosexual CONSTABLE approach the vehicle. SERGEANT knocks on the window while CONSTABLE pokes his torch into every nook and cranny of the Falcon. BOGUE winds down his window)

BOGUE: Yeah, what’s the problem, mate?

SERGEANT: Evening, sir. We were behind you as you came out of the tavern car park, and we noticed you go over the centreline back there at that corner. Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?

BOGUE: Umm .. yeah .. I’ve only had a couple, boss!

SERGEANT: Your licence thanks, sir. (BOGUE hands SERGEANT his driver’s licence) OK, we’ll give you a random breath test. Constable, can you test this fella?

CONSTABLE: Sure thing, sarge. Now, blow into the tube, until I tell you to stop.

BOGUE: (audibly sighs) Alright. (blows into the breathalyser)

CONSTABLE: And … stop. (checks reading) Postive, sarge. Point-oh-nine.

BOGUE: You gotta be kiddin’ me, roit? I only had a couple .. well, maybe three or sumfint. Somebody musta topped up me glasses when I wasn’t lookin’. Honest, mate!

SERGEANT: Please, turn off your ignition, lock the car, and step out of your car. You are now under arrest for driving under the influence of an intoxicating liquor with a mid-range blood alcohol concentration.

BOGUE: Fair go, mate! How else was I supposed ta get home?

SERGEANT: (looks at licence) Hmm .. the tavern’s about fifteen or twenty minutes’ walk from your address, sir. You look fit an’ healthy enough, (glances at BOGUE’s ample gut) though you could probably do with a bit of exercise by the looks of things.

BOGUE: Like you can talk!

CONSTABLE: (fingering his baton) You might wanna watch yer lip in future, mate!

BOGUE: Listen! Here’s me bustin’ me gut on the roadworks day in, day out – and you expect me to walk home after catching up with me mates at the tavern? Fair bloody go, mate! You oughta be out there catching the rool criminals!

SERGEANT: (brings his face close to BOGUE’s while pointing his finger accusingly) You listen here, buster, and you listen good! You ARE a real criminal! Your reckless behaviour tonight has put all other road users at risk! How would you feel if you had come around that corner when you crossed the centreline, smack bang head-on into a car, killing three kiddies sitting in the back?

BOGUE: Naaah, would never happen. I know how to handle me grog!

SERGEANT: OK, constable. Cuff him.

(CONSTABLE handcuffs BOGUE)

BOGUE: What? What the fark? Here’s me bustin’ me gut sixty hours a week, payin’ bulk taxes – I’m payin’ your salary, and you reckon you can treat me like shit? Fair go!

SERGEANT: Constable, can you see anybody around?

CONSTABLE: Nup, sarge. All clear.

(SERGEANT brings his knee forcefully into BOGUE’s gut, forcing BOGUE to double over in agony)

BOGUE: Awwwwwwghh! Christ! Christ, mate! This is police brutality! Just wait until ICAC hears about this!

SERGEANT: Really? Constable? Did you see anything happen?

CONSTABLE: Nup. I saw nuffint, sarge.

BOGUE: What? You fink you can just go around beatin’ up people fer no good reason? I got mates at the local rag, I even know fellas at Today Tonight, just wait until I tell ‘em about this, mate!

SERGEANT: Still all clear, constable?

CONSTABLE: Yup. All clear, sarge.

SERGEANT: (whacks baton against BOGUE’s elbow, impacting on his humerus nerve) And that’s for calling me “mate”! You call me “sir”, “sergeant” or “officer” from now on! You hear me?

BOGUE: (crying like a baby as he’s led into ) All right! All right! Anyfint! Just don’t tell me mates that you made me cry and everyfint will go sweet. Promise! Aaaargh boo boo hoo … boo hoo … aaaarrgh ouuuch boo hoo hooo ….

THE END

12 03 2011
Simon - Glasser at Arms, Constant source of Randomness

Cheers Urban, is it too much to hope that Bogue ends up in a cell with a 20 stone man called Dozer who makes Bogue his bitch?

12 03 2011
Vviv2

LMAO! PLEASE!

14 03 2011
Tombarina

Oh, Urb, whatever nutty hijinks will these bogoids get up to next?!

I await the next instalment with breathless anticipation. I do hope it entails Femmebogue hittin’ the pi$$ with her mates in retailiation for Captain Nuffie’s run-in with the law, getting arrested for starting a blue with a Hot Asian Chick while waiting impatiently in a cab rank, then chucking up while her goilfriends hold her hair back.

Then, the licence-free Captain Nuffie will have to take the kids in a cab to the copshop to pick her up the next morning.

Just a thought. Femmebogue ain’t going to let this indiscretion go unpunished.

14 03 2011
urbanreverie

Bogoids .. I like that, Tomba. :)

As for Boguette’s reaction, it won’t quite work out as you or Simon expected – but you’ll just have to wait until next Friday night. ;)

12 03 2011
XXX

Just saw these mentioned in our major newspaper in Melbourne. I can’t find a link to the article, so here is a link to a QLD pic:

http://www.sunshinecoastdaily.com.au/story/2010/09/02/car-eyelashes-pimped-out-ride/

How long until these become a major fashion accessory amongst femme bogues?

12 03 2011
Pandabater

There’s one for the boys as well.

http://www.carstache.com/products/grizzly-brown-carstache

12 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

when will someone produce a large cardboard cut out penis for the roof racks?
buxXx there…
gotta be.

12 03 2011
p'bee

those are just too pathetic…

12 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

those who deride the NT News ignore the Sunshine Coast Daily to their detriment.

12 03 2011
Pandabater

NT news is a necessity,
You have to keep up with
the TOT story. Essential
reading.

12 03 2011
Vviv2

Surely NO-ONE would do that to anything but a dunny-dore?

13 03 2011
AlyssaKT

oh NOOOOO… it’ll only be a matter of days before I see one, I’m sure!

13 03 2011
James

Roundabouts.

Bogans simply do not think about how their use (or non-use) of their indicators will be interpreted. If your right indicator is on as you approach an exit, you continue past the exit. If your left indicator is on as you approach an exit, you exit. I’m sure I’ve given other drivers hell by being overly cautious at roundabouts, but the unfortunate fact is that the indicators used by the cars in the roundabout are about as good as meaningless, so I wait until either their intention is clear, or our paths, respective speeds and distance between us is such that it is safe to enter.

13 03 2011
urbanreverie

I’m with you, James. I don’t enter a roundabout until I am 100% certain what the other drivers are doing. I’ve had far too many near misses to be anything but cautious.

Also, to get to my place you often have to do a U turn at a busy roundabout. It’s amazing how many drivers coming from the opposite direction will enter the roundabout even though I haven’t indicated left to exit straight ahead – indeed, I still have my right indicator on (you can’t turn right at that roundabout, it’s a three-way intersection with the side street off to the left). I’m cautious when doing that U turn too, though I will usually assert my right of way.

14 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

bravo.
the correct utilage of the roundabout baffles the bogan.
not rocket science.
“signal your intention”
di©khead

13 03 2011
urbanreverie

Seen today on the Bruce Highway between Strathpine and Caboolture …

A maroon AU Ford Falcon station wagon, its back end damaged after a moderate rear-ender. The entire centre of the rear windscreen was taken up by a Playboy bunny sticker. In the bottom left corner were four or five My Family stickers.

What great family values. The boganity. Oh, the boganity.

15 03 2011
Mr Q

Something seems wrong about this – you say a bogan was involved in a rear-ender, and the *back* of their car was damaged?

15 03 2011
James Hunter

mr Q,
most rear enders involve two cars with one hitting the other from behind there for they are both involved one with front damage the other with rear.
Please tell us what is it that we have all missed ?

16 03 2011
Mr Q

It just seems more likely that a bogan, who’s idea of a safe driving distance is slightly shorter than the length of a Smart car, would be the one hitting the other car from behind, hence the boganmobile should have the damage at the front.

However I’m thinking it’s also possible that multiple bogans were involved.

16 03 2011
urbanreverie

Well, Mr Q. Perhaps the rear-end damage was caused because bogans, apart from driving like f#$%ing idiots, also reverse like f#$%ing idiots, as any visit to a Westfield car park can confirm. So the rear-end damage might still have been bogan-caused.

14 03 2011
distinguished gentleman

On the subject of cars, today proved to me that the world has officially gone mad. The BP servo in Melton, Victoria has “Pump TV”. LCD screens on top of each pump, just in case we miss any world altering news or information in the three minutes it takes to refuel. The pump I was at was showing some Fox/Sky type news, with a side bar for weather . Considering that I am already outside getting fuel, I know what the bloody day is going to be like…… This is worse than free to air channels Gem, 11, etc….just useless stations selling advertising space.

15 03 2011
billybob

In relation to the V8 Landcruiser problem.

Many years ago I had a 900 Ducati, very high geared, didn’t really start to accelerate until 50 metres from a standing start. Visually big donk, very impressive noise at idle, never had trouble getting away from the bogans at the lights.

Then I got the first liquid cooled Yamaha RD350. Small bike, engine the size of a loaf of bread, sounded like a victa lawnmower at idle, blindingly fast from a standing start. I found that the bogans were trying to race me. They lost.

Then there was the time that a group of bogans wanted to bash me because I had overtaken their V8 on the bicycle. Their problem was that they used the enormous power of their mighty donk to be doing at least 80 kays when going past me, so they would be well down the road when they managed to stop and get out of the car, expecting me to continue towards them instead of nipping up the next cross street. This happened twice before I hid under some flats and listened to them woomba-woomba-ing around the streets for about ten minutes before giving up.

16 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Like a tribe of monkeys…

15 03 2011
Pandabater

How do I put this?
It’s been 4 days now and I
have not seen the words
Japanese Earthquake Appeal.
Has the flood levy welded the
wallets shut?

15 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Probably. I know of groups and organisations privately helping and raising funds, but thus far nothing is public.

15 03 2011
James Hunter

Realy wierd . Maybe the japanside is not so immediate (geographically)?
Maybe because they are not people withwhom most of us have common ancestors,language ?
Could be payback for all those early crappy jap cars ?
Maybe because there are very few numbers attacked as yet ?
Or simply that the whole thing is so large that it has taken on a sureal concept?

15 03 2011
James Hunter

Can any one tell a computer illiterate like me why this site , especially of late occasionally displays in HTML ??
realy irksome.

15 03 2011
Vviv2

It’s more secure, apparently….

17 03 2011
18 03 2011
18 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Some bogan in a commodore saw me coming along the other day, deliberately pulled out in front of me, and gave me the finger when I beeped him for breaking the give way law! Like I was in the wrong! BOGANS!!!

25 04 2011
James

I don’t know if this is a bogan thing or not, if it is, then it’s a “responsible family man/concerned mother” bogan thing, but one of my pet hates is when freeway drivers in adjacent lanes match speeds and form an inpenetrable phalanx. Clearly no thought whatsoever for the mechanics of traffic flow.

30 05 2011
Vivv

Just recently, 2 nights ago, a 17 year old Perth boy was killed at an Intersection.
He was one of my mums work friends’ son.
It was just after work, where he was dropping some friends home and then his life ends.

Found out the death was caused by a DRUNK driver, driving a UTE.
Who drives Utes? Bogans.

13 06 2013
SB_Australia

Whoa! I’m no bogan but I drive a ute! I need one for work though. Mine is also a twin cab so I can fit the kids in it & doesn’t go very fast at all! Certainly wouldn’t do any “sick skids”.

24 06 2011
Mike

Perth is the home of the bogan all right. Bogans racing into the merge at the last minute when you have worked out your merging distance is my biggest hate along with the turkeys who tailgate in the early hours of the morning with billion watt blue headlights so that you have you flick your rear vision mirror down. This in the left hand lane when the right hand lane has plenty of room for them to overtake. I have also seen people speed up to overtake (or block)traffic trying to merge from on ramps – just insane. Another good one is travel in the right hand lane then quickly cut across one or more lanes to get to your exit just in time to avoid smashing your car into the ramp. If you can miss the other cars by twelve inches or less then you are an “awesome” driver.

In Perth you take your life in your hands if you stop at an amber light because chances are some commodore driving bogan has already accelerated to warp speed behind you. I have crossed on amber lights only to watch streams of three or four cars follow me across.

I often wonder at boganmobiles that make an exceptionally impressive engine noise complete with the turbo type sucking and snuffling sounds but in reality go no faster than the average six cylinder family sedan.

I only wish the metal “testicles” hanging underneath the bogan vehicles (these having replaced fluffy dice) were real so I could give them a swift kick.

1 07 2012
Dash8

Perth drivers take the fucking cake. Bogan or not….Some of the antics I’ve seen over the last couple of weeks would have earned summary executions in from Victorian traffic cops. Christ, I hate this dump!
TBL, have you considered a post on Perth, just for being Perth?

4 07 2012
Ban bogans from Earth

Commodores, there, I’ve said it all.

What kind of car is that behind so close that I can’t see the bonnet, but I can a driver with thick black frame sunglasses, long hair, a long goaty and a cigarette in his mouth? Oh it’s a Commodore.

What kind of car is that that the tail brake lights blink on the off chance when they’re indicating? Oh it’s a Commodore.

What kind of car is that that’s lowered, pursuit rims, tinted bubbly windows and a faded paint job? Oh it’s a Commodore.

What kind of car is that parked in front of a house with 5 other Commodores around? Oh it’s a Commodore.

What kind of car is that going 70km/h in a 100km/h zone, and when I go to over take, it speeds up to 140km/h so I can’t pass them? Oh it’s a Commodore.

8 12 2012
Mallee

On the Gold Coast young tradies fit their utes with yellow lights in their roofs, this gives them the right to make U turns anywhere & overtake on nature strips.

18 12 2012
Alyssa KT

I’ve never seen this??
Are you actually on the GC?

13 06 2013
SB_Australia

It’s a Wogan.

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