Hello, there. E. Chas McSween here on behalf of Michael, Intravenus, Hunter, Flash and Enron, collectively known as the Things Bogans Like travelling troupe/freak show. As you are no doubt aware, our illustrious former Friday activity, Bogan Bribe Watch, was cruelly cut short (after being cruelly extended) last week when our parliament managed to cobble together some semblance of a government. Taken aback by the lightning-fast resolution to what we hoped would be an ongoing constitutional crisis that would result in months of bogan-baiting, and a verdant source of material for Bogan Bribe Watch, we hastily convened in our Bogan Cave, to pit our fiendish wits against one another and develop an incredible new addition to the TBL universe. The plan was that we could provide you, the reader, with the end-of-week intellectual and ego-stroking boost you no doubt require.
After about twenty minutes, several brief bouts of fisticuffs and half a slab, we decided to revert to our stock in trade, which is to pilfer from others’ good ideas. As such, we present for your weekly edification, the Friday Bachelor of Bogan (BBo). Forthwith, we will present you with a weekly quiz, to see how closely you have been paying attention to the bogan news stories, or general trends, at hand. Click on the correct answer and you will be fired through science to the source of our bogan mirth. Fail to click on the correct answer, and your face will melt like those Nazis in at least two Indiana Jones movies.
You have been warned.
1. Kyle Sandilands wants a new mega-mansion party house because:
a) He got dumped by his Scandal’us (sic) pop-singer girlfriend
b) He needs extra garage space for his burgeoning Rolls Royce collection
c) He’s a prudent investor with an intuitive understanding of the property market.
d) He needed an efficient way to collectively bribe multiple hate crimes investigators.
2. Why did Miss Universally Bogan, Jesinta (sic) Campbell recently approach Eddie Maguire?
b) She’s in the market for a slumdog millionaire.
c) She would like to attend the Brownlow Medal with a skilled football player
d) She accidentally thought Eddie Maguire was Donald Trump.
3. Sexy French newsreader Melissa Theuriau has convinced the bogan to fork over its hard earned for:
a) Acai berries
4. After watching channel nine’s new reality program, The Real Hustle, starring chk chk boom girl Clare Werbrloff and Gyton Grantley, bogans will:
a) Never fall for another scam
b) Have finally discovered the secret to getting rich quick
c) Have definitive proof that racism does pay
d) Mistake the series for Underbelly season 4: Carl Williams’ greatest secrets revealed
5. Victorian jet ski drivers are:
b) Incapable of backing their oversized car/trailer combo into a small dam
6. This week, Ed Hardy stores:
Plaudits, TBL!
I thought No. 1 was to house his ego.
Oh My God- I simply can’t desist: Yay, first to comment!
I got 100% in my first BBo exam. And I knew all of the words to the song for the incorrect answers. What does this mean?
Get one of the answers wrong and you’re faced with the Village People’s non-Union Canadian equivalent!
i got all answers right but am clicking on the incorrect ones for fun. that one is one of the most hilarious music videos ever.
There is nothing quite like watching synchronised muscle marys trying to dance to start a Friday morning.
i’m slightly disappointed that all the incorrect answers are the same. i was looking forward to clicking on lots of terrible things but instead just get the one multiple times.
It’s supposed to be a punishment, not a reward. Still I know what you mean. Just for you PB:
Thanks, viv. Now I’ve caught teh ghey!
When we want to make sure you catch the ghey, we post Leathermen, tigers, obese men having hair removed and water sports. Like this
that is brilliant! although divine’s voice is quite terrifying.
i think the backup dancer’s crotch push ups were particularly special.
Air humping is always a boon.
MORE COW BELL!!
So was I, it would take a lot more effort but an appropriate torturous song could be found for each incorrect answer, indubitably!
Ahh, my face! Blew No. 4, definitely a trick question.
LOL. I have a higher degree in the Classics.
Let’s see what DA has to say about that!
So not much help to you with the quiz then Fi.
I have a nomination for Bogan of the Week
Da dah – Lady Gaga
She has had the title of her new album tattooed on to her body. That, my friends, is bogan.
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/confidential/lady-gagas-new-unicorn-tattoo-with-new-album-title-born-this-way/story-e6frf96o-1225925211473
Wrong Simon, a bogan would not wear a raw steak on her head, a dress and boots made out of raw meat and then ask Cher to hold her meat purse!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/13/lady-gagas-meat-dress-photos_n_714117.html
Scroll down for photos
Brings new meaning to Ham Beast.
Ugh more meat inspired stuff, in a year it will be in the Supre rack – - go away Lady G
http://gawker.com/5640127/lady-gagas-impact-on-fashion-is-instantaneous-meaty
At least she didn’t show us her beef curtains.
Don’t give her ideas dude. I’m pretty sure there is nothing she won’t do to stay in the spotlight. Maybe she is saving this particular delight until her fame is on the wane, along with the inevitable sex tape.
Or her badly packed kebab.
… or her meat and two veg
she also thinks her new album is going to change the world: http://music.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=704696&showcomments=true
Now she thinks she’s Bono!
Martin should like her then?
Yeh, is she a libtard?
Probably has a pair of stupid sunglasses tattooed on her somewhere.
I’d give her one. As long as it was from behind and I didn’t have to look at her face.
I knew we could rely on you Martin. She does look like a bashed crab huh.
Yeah. Her body would be pretty good from all that dancing. Although I’m still not 100% sure she’s not a bloke? Has that been decided yet? At least if it was from behind and I saw a scrote or a donger I could run away easily.
If she has a cock then it is either well hidden or particuarly small.
http://www.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://thecount.com/wp-content/uploads/ladygagaintthecount.jpg&imgrefurl=http://thecount.com/2009/08/07/is-lady-gaga-a-hermaphrodite-or-not-proof-she-is-not/&usg=__hQBvnB5bSlX0_JN5jL9yehy4gkg=&h=600&w=400&sz=80&hl=en&start=92&zoom=1&tbnid=spw7ykdn5UUqdM:&tbnh=146&tbnw=104&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlady%2Bgaga%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26sa%3DX%26rlz%3D1G1GGLQ_ENAU373%26biw%3D1260%26bih%3D613%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=694&vpy=117&dur=2500&hovh=275&hovw=183&tx=100&ty=297&ei=K_qSTPuqNYWevgOqhuWZDQ&oei=6fmSTK_iOoyKvQOo5PWZDQ&esq=5&page=5&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:17,s:92
No, she doesn’t hate herself.
Clearly, she leaves that job to us.
Simon, I’ve tried and failed. Mainly because I suspect she’s taking the pi$$, and doesn’t actually take herself too seriously.
Russell Crowe, on the other hand…..Maximus Spankus.
I can see the point that she is exploiting the bogans lust for shock and excitement and obviously has great advisors. I just hate the fact that this is what makes you famous, win awards etc instead of actual talent. Whilst only having heard a couple of her songs I may not be in the best position to judge, this has never stopped me before and I think she is someone of limited musical ability who has set out to cover this up with colour and movement and we have to put up with it.
It’s not good enough and I will not abide.
She obviously isn’t a bogan because a bogan goes out of their way to blend in and follow the herd. Whether you like her or not makes no difference. The real bogans are the “artists” pumping out generic radio friendly crap that the teen bogues can mimic and aspire to ie. Christina Aguilera, P!nk, Brittany, Taylor Swift etc. The audience at the Lady Gaga concert I went to was made up of mostly gay men, drag queens, honking lesbians and fat teenage girls – in that order. Bogans wouldn’t have coped mucher longer than 5 minutes because they wouldn’t have understood what was going on.
I’m still not abiding. Ok?
Didn’t P!nk actually make fun of the Britneys and was much written up in her time?
I think the Lady G phenomenon is off putting because of the amount of hype and image building in the whole exercise. She can seem a bit Madonna Lite and god knows Lady M was lite enough.
I guess my point is it can be acclaimed as performance art, groundbreaking, making a statement etc but mostly it seems an act ofexhibitionism, being outre for the sake of being outre. Lady G may hold a note but so can many other people. So its merely a different kind of marketing that makes her a pop phenomenon and I can’t buy into it.
Good one SD. If you need to wear meat to bring attention to yourself or whatever, whats the point. Are you merely distracting the people from lack of substance? I don’t see it as performance art per se just look at me I’m cool and shocking. Oh well, whatever, nevermind.
But she is a pop star who deliberately explores the twisted concepts of fame and media whoredom. That’s what the Album “The Fame” and songs like Paparazzi are about. The bogans are the people who don’t figure it out but claim to be fans.
The wearing meat as performance art was already done as the link indicates. So its not new.
Actually I think plenty of people who explore the twisted nature of fame -heck its almost a 21st century occupation- remain on the margins. What Gaga does is take that, run with it and mainstream it. The money – and fame – ain’t going to come in until you make it palatable to everyone including the bogans.
I can see that point. I guess I’m more disappointed that this is what society, fame etc has lead us to, or keeps leading us to. Think Madonna, Cher, P!nk or whatever. And christ her music is annoying.
Nothing is new though. I think if she brings a cerebral piss take to a new generation of kids than good on her. She works hard, she charges very little for her concerts and she is directing her own image and message, not listening to a management company who specialise is pre packaging teenbogue idols. If I had a child, I would prefer them to be exposed to her message than Justin Bieber.
I don’t think any of them get it though Viv, they just buy into it not realising.
My kids will be raised with Tom Waits.
Now that is talent.
I love that song Dog Door he did with Sparklehorse – who i just found out has topped himself…. sad
Some good points, but oh, how I tittered at your krazeee notion linking musical ability and fame.
What a quaint concept.
(And your abidement dearth notwithstanding, I’ll still take Gaga over over that pointless skank Ke$ha
Sorry, I’m a bit old fashioned really. Who, pray tell is Ke$ha, or would I be better off not knowing. Luckily I have a particularly fine bottle of Shiraz to drink whilst watching Collingwood get pumped so I will be able to abide later.
You don’t need to know. Imagine a Taylor Momsen crossed with a camel-toed jegging, then scrub all the class off it.
Oh, best I stay ignorant.
And pour Jack Daniels all over it.
better skip the shiraz Simon and go straight too McWilliams Port cause the Pies are a good thing.
Colliwobbles, woohoo.
Is the book going to just be a reprint of all the articles on this site thus far or all new material?
ha ha ha -just keep that that port glass handy
I don’t actually barrack for Geelong, just love seeing Collingwood fail. I do have a nice vintage at home though…..
everyone loves too see us fail,my Dad barracks for Richmond(another bogan team ha ha) and he won a bottle of port at some sought of sportsmens night that read-”Colliwobble Port-Vintage 1958-Hasnt been opened since!” That bottle sat as pride of place at the front of his drink cabinet for 10 years,until one fine September Sunday in 1990 i arrived home sometime around lunch(i think i had just turned 18) and walked straight too that cabinet,pulled out his favourite glass,cracked the top and proceeded too drink that sweet nector!(truth be known i poured a glass,skulled it and then proceeded too heave in the toilet for the next 10 mins while my dear dad laughed mockingly in the hall-way)Anyway that was still the best vintage iv ever had the pleasure too swill.By the way who do you barrack for Simon?
I’m a West Coast man. You will be very happy tonight Brad. I hate to admit that your team has been great. Even Daisy went for a hard ball!
Daisy,Ronnie Wearmouth re-incarnate,they did what they had too do,but still one too go,now using all my power and influence too score a GF ticket(im but a mere member) got a ticket too the 2002-2003 GF,s alright but the juggernaught is a lot bigger now,you never know?WC the Collingwood of the interstate teams,92 semi final was brilliant thanks for giving us Mick,hopefully he gets another bit of silverwear-im f#$king stoked but i have too work tomorrow(shite)
Good luck with your ticket hunt. I went to the 2005 GF and it was awesome.
This I have to see. Good lord, between this and Four Weddings (my new Favourite bogan watching show), how can anyone possibly claim with a straight face that marriage is still a scared institution in modern society?
http://www.theage.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/bridalplasty-women-face-off-in-new-reality-tv-low-20100917-15fdg.html
Just when you think modern culture can’t get any lower…..
SD,
Modern Culture ? Sir ,you jest. Modern Culture is an Oxymoron !
Given its reliance on foxymorons, I stand corrected JH.
Or should that be fauxymorons…..OK I better go home now before I am banished to a hell of eternal puns for my sins.
SD,
A lot of them look more like Faux-fox Morons. ?
The fauxy was intended to capture that.
Sorry
That wedding show is classic, how’s the contestant the other day who couldn’t stop eating, even taking food off one of the other ones plate.
Spewy, who won ? Mr Viv makes me change the channel at 8.30 to watch spicks and specks, so i never get to see the end. Who won? Please tell me it was the hungry/worm infected boguette with angel wing tatts!
Apparently someone called Sothy. So says Doc Google.
ye Gods it seems mighty appalling. That girl in medieval drss – the horror!
that was last week, i urgently need to know this weeks winner! So in bogue style, here i go.
SPEWY WHERE THE FARK ARE YOU YA FARKING CAAAARNT. COME BACK AND FARKIN TELL ME WHO WON THE FARKIN FOUR WEDDINS SHOW!!
I resort to such desperate, crass measures, as i wil lbe facing a weekend without interwebby after 4pm. I cant wait until monday.
And yes , the horror best describes that buxom lass who did sword fighting for her bridal walz whilst wearing a medieval ye olde dresse.
Duh. Sword fighting-faceplant.
I did stumble on this site which was very illuminating as to the nature of the show.
http://forum.weddingcentral.com.au/viewtopic.php?f=42&t=110232
How long before D-lebirty Four Weddings.
The Budget Bride won-I think. Makes sense?
Using all my mad skillz as a researcher here!
Good work SD – that’s the trashy moll with the bad angel wings tatts poking out of her wedding dress. She ran around hollering at all and sundry and drank two bottles of champagne before the day started.
See people, you are missing out!
Thanks for your research efforts on my account SD!
My pleasure Viv!
budget bride. hmmm from budget rent a bride ??
Vivi, no it wasn’t. It was the one whose partner bagged the contestant for ordering chicken not steak.
Sorry it took so long Vivi I was browsing porn sites looking for hot asian chicks.
come clean, what are the best sites?
Thanks Spewy, I was shocked that the Arriving in a Bus, Breakfast Creek Hotel Bride didn’t win, but she did! What was that husband like???
S.D, you are very lucky that I didn’t tell anyone else the wrong information, my reputation could have been ruined!
Apologies Viv! I was misled, now it looks like the pub bride.
I checked the FB page and the brides seem to be contributing to the discussion and everyone seems to be dissing some OTT wedding.
The husband of the winning bride seemed as though he had a below average IQ and a love of pub food. He kept asking everyone ‘How good is this?’ in relation to the food.
I think the program has changed nights, on Tuesday this week, so keep your TV week handy.
Thanks Spewy, I didn’t know they were changing timeslots. I hope they aren’t going to move it to midnight on Wednesdays before axing it?
Everyone here on TBL has a responsibility to watch this show, write to their Television stations and increase advertisers sales by only buying their products.
I might have to start a Facebook group to demand action!
Let me know when you start the FB page I’ve got some great pics of my kids that I took on the weekend.
that is just horrendous. what evil bastard comes up with such ideas?
was that scared or sacred ?
Is it just me or does the new Brisbane subway thingy look an awful lot like the pic of the bogan psyche that TBL posted above?
http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/new-subway-to-exit-at-yeerongpilly-in-south-brisbane/story-e6freon6-1225923613944
Fiona,
You and I ,with our respective backgrounds, are just not familiar enough with these news lights of the bogan world to be able to make truly impressive comments . ?
Oh, James Hunter, don’t even mention yourself in the same breath as Fiona.
Aww man. I got Skatt Roll’d twice!
Nice idea, punks.
I’ve spent most of today recording a video of myself serenading myself. Just say the word and you can use it for next weeks booby prize, TBL.
Productive day Shirley! Are you topless, air humping and ringing a cow bell to a beat? I hope so. You will need a waitress in your film clip. The best ones all have one.
I’m not doing any of those things! Clearly, I should have consulted you before commencement.
Is the serenading myself a euphemism?
That’s what i meant by “ringing a cow bell to a beat”…
Not in this instance, no.
Do I get a copy for nominating Bogan of the week?
No you were wrong!
I was closer. I said boganic highlights of the week from the meedja. And I’m not even asking for a free book. Sheesh!
Nuh uh.
I’ve checked, I am, as always, correct. Sorry Viv.
The Herald sun isn’t the best place to check Simon – anyway , i’m out for the weekend – see ya’ll monday.
http://www.wikiladygagais a bogan.com
Have a good weekend Viv!
Alternative answers to quiz;
1. e) His is not as big as Russell Crowes
2. e) She could finally find out who wants to be a millionaire.
3. e) Penis extending cream.
4. e) Quit their job at the moines & turn pro.
5. e) In need of bigger airbags.
6. e) Became UFC/MMA stores.
My question to you, though, Simon, oin referrence to Tom Waits, is:
“What the hell is he building in there?”
I don’t know, but I look good without my shirt on.
“I look good without my shirt on” has all the makings of a hit bogan approved single.
I can see that written all over t-shirts in Bali soon.
Great idea, bedazzled of course Hel.
What about the matching
“I look great with my pants off” m
??
If that was a Tom Waits referrence, it’s lost on me, Simon… “What’s He Building In There?” is the only Waits piece I know.
Sten, click on the link above. It’s a quote from Going out West.
TBL, as a regular reader abd contributor to your blog, I believe that I have achieved a standard of bogan knowledge to be awarded the Bachelors of Bogan. For the many other TBL contributors, who should also qualify, I believe that we should celebrate in the only way possible…by having a Bogan Bachelor Party and we shall apply everything we have learned. This is what we’ll so:
Spray on some Lynx or our favourite celebrity fragrance and suit up in our best $200 suit bought from DFO, with an Ed Hardy T-shirt underneath. Get in our Chevrodores, completed with personalised number plates, “Fuck off we’re full” and Southern Cross stickers and with the radio tuned to a commercial radio station and turned up loud so everyone can hear the Ministry of Sound and Kings of Leon playing. We’ll drive, just like they do in ‘The Fast and/or the furious’, and show some road rage to anyone doing the speed limit all the way to the paintballing place. Here we will to pretend to be like our hero Ned Kelly and learn how to kill things, using the fight skills we learned watching the Shaolin Monks and survival skills from Bear Grylls. After doing our backs in whilst paintballing, we’ll threaten to call Slater & Gordon, to get compensation from the paintball operator because we know our constitutional rights! We’ll get our mojo back with last years designer drug, downed with either vitamin water or Mother from a massive can. Riding the Party Bus into the city, we’ll line up behind a velvet rope to get into a strip joint. There we’ll check out some other massive cans, some Brazilians and hope (in vain) that we can get some anal from some hot Asian Chick who did a faux lesbian act. Of course, we’ll be pissed off our nuts on locally brewed foreign beer and pre-mixed drinks, which means that after getting into a fight and glassing some cunt, we’ll get chucked out only to throw up all over the footpath. From there, we’ll all get tramp stamps or Southern Cross and tribal tattoo’s and then head into the casino for some uninformed gambling and arbitary thieving. After being arrested, we’ll need to know our rights, because if the pigs don’t go through the procedures like David Caruso does on telly, we’ll be calling ACA/TT in the morning to tell of our bogan rage story!!
Bachelors of Bogan? “Acquired” (for a price) at the James Hunter Integration Bagel Shop’n'Flea Parlour University (JHIBS’n'FPU) – campus at Lithgow.
Peter is one of our most famous Alumnus, renouned for forgetting more then we could teach him, a walking monument to the successes of the NSW education system.
Oh, James Hunter, I’m renowned for remembering the correct spelling of more words than you’re booze-addled brain is renowned for having mispelt!
Shirl, the award goes to Nelson.
4realz, homeboy.
Good work, Nelson.
Would make the perfect bogan rap-guaranteed to be a viral hit on youtube.
Nelson, that was a hilarious encapsulation of all we’ve learned/agreed with here, but please, please, please, PLEASE… paragraphs?
Unless that was intended as a meta-capsulation, in which case, I say, “why is it spelled and punctuated so well?”, and “I’m pissed.” in roughly that order.
Sten,
It’s a bit of a mouthful, I know…but I wrote it all in one breath! It should be read the same way. You should be gasping by the end.
I take you comment regarding my spelling and punctuation as a compliment. Being articulate in one’s mother tongue and possessed with the basic English skills to spell and punctuate correctly is one of the things that separates the non-bogans from the bogans.
Nelson Esq.
B.Bog (Hons 1st Class)
I know this is utterly bogan of me, but I must raise the question. Would it be viable to have “like” options under peoples comments because some of the individuals who frequent this wonderous place have me laughing just as hard at their comments as I do over the actual TBL post………. could we?
god I can’t actually believe I asked, the shame is palpable.
“Like” away, no need to feel ashamed.
I do respect the use of “palpable” though.
21 bogans liked this
You bastards.
I’ve had that fucking song stuck in my head for two days now. TWO FUCKING DAYS!
Thanks, TBL.
i hope you had the visuals, too.
Seen that RBT show t’night. Cops breath-tested some boge who was driving home (to the Central Coast – where else- after a night on the squirt. A cop described his/her first impressions of the offender to the TV audience: “his speech was slurred, he was unsteady on his feet”. That much was true, but what should have been added to clarify the gravity of his offence was “wearing an Ed Hardy shirt!”
I just changed channels to see him! The tosswad with the tiger’s head on his t-shirt. The minute I clapped eyes on that shirt I thought of TBL. Justify your existance, bogan!
Ruby Rose’s mother is named ‘Cartier’. My-my, what a surprise.
Dispatches from the West…
I had seen, on the front cover of Saturday’s West Australian, a beat-up about some convicted glasser, Eva Scolaro, getting herself made up as a glassing victim…with photos taken back in October last year from a Halloween party. As shithouse as what she’s done is, the Worst (I might add, not as in The Worst Of Perth, which serves as an excellent travel guide to The Rool Perth, but the widely-known pejorative term for our daily rag, part of the Kerry Stokes media-cum-mining machinery conglomerate) is just as culpable in confecting a beat-up, suspecting that they held onto the ghastly image for use at an opportune time, such as recently given that Scolaro is back in the cooler for contravening her bail conditions.
Clarssy chick or what, eh?
(Here’s the link to the online version of the story: as I don’t generally read, much less buy, The Worst, thus I cannot immediately take a snap of the garish Outrage! scroomed (say that out loud as you read it here, then the spelling makes sense) of the headline. If anyone requests, I might be able to pilfer someone else’s copy and post it up for their consideration.)