#150 – Ned Kelly

21 06 2010

The self-congratulatory first year Arts student loves the idea of Che Guevara. While Artsy generally knows little about Guevara’s murderous ways , it remains thrilled to embrace the stylised logo of this young, attractive rogue who symbolised the liberation of other lefties from things that lefties didn’t like. The bogan, on the other hand, is generally unmoved by Guevara, because he was complicated, eloquent (and generally not in English), and un-Australian. Still, the bogan attempted to co-opt this figure, as it saw so many examples of him on brightly-coloured T-shirts. The disturbing predilection of second and third year Arts students to query bogans on who, exactly, that person was, led them to look closer to home for their icons.

Being itself a resourceful student of history, the bogan settled on Ned Kelly as its countercultural pinup boy. Born into a criminal family in Victoria during the 1850s, young Ned’s first brush with the law came at age 14, when he was arrested for assaulting a Chinese farmer. While the bogan generally does not know anything about Ned Kelly other than the fact that it likes him, the bogan would approve of its precocious hero beating up an ethnic minority before he was even able to grow his beard. The following year, Kelly assaulted a bloke who accused his mate of borrowing his horse. The bogan mentally substitutes “horse” with “HSV”, and approves.

After a prison stint for other HSV related crimes, Ned won a bare-knuckle fistfight, got arrested for public drunkenness, and ran away from the pigs. Approved. More run-ins with the constabulary followed, leading to Kelly shooting three of them in the bush, and robbing some banks. The pigs arrested and held Ned’s mates, to the horror of the bogan. Nothing happened for a year or so, until Ned turned up in Glenrowan, kitted out in his famous iron suit. The bogan mentally substitutes “iron” with “lime green polyester”, and approves. After taking hostages at the pub, Ned’s plan unravelled. The pigs shot Ned in the legs, and his co-conspirators all died. Kelly was hanged in November 1880, although approximately 30,000 of the bogan’s ancestors signed a petition to spare his life. The bogan mentally substitutes “signed a petition” with “joined a facebook group”, and approves.

The bogan’s lack of interest in the details of Kelly’s life and death allows it to project onto Kelly anything that it wants. Unionised bogans have conceptually linked him with the Eureka flag, where a six month old Ned Kelly is understood to have totally killed some pigs on behalf of his comrades. Other bogans see him as a high-minded Robin Hood, despite the fact that Kelly acted almost exclusively in the interest of his own vanity, prosperity, and freedom. Others still see him as a true blue gangsta, yo. The bogan’s deep love of quick and easy part-truths, nurtured by Today Tonight, allows it to live a life free of any hypocrisy at all. Catering to its market, Australia Post released a Ned Kelly postage stamp to mark the centenary of his death back in 1980. The bogan mentally substitutes “postage stamp” with “extreme tattoo on Ben Cousins’ stomach”, and approves.


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477 responses

21 06 2010
Kate

Good God that’s a lot of mental substitution by the Bogan- someone is feeling generous

21 06 2010
Tubesteak

They didn’t even mention Ned’s Irish heritage which allows the bogan to celebrate St Pat’s day in true Irish style.

Yeah, we’re still tinkering with this one, there’s probably more to come. TBL

21 06 2010
Tubesteak

Nah. Leave it how it is. It’s all good. Leave the rest of it up to us. Otherwise, there will be little left to say.

21 06 2010
Valo

Agree with Tubesteak here, part of the bogues love of Ned Kelly is that he was a ‘farkin tru Straylyan battla’. They play the Irish side of his heritage down, if they know of it at all.

21 06 2010
pb

unless they both know of it and have some irish connection in their own ancestry, in which case it is a proof of their deep and special kinship.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The bogan retires to bed after all that mental substitution with a head ache.

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

No one has said it yet, but “congratulations” for the 150th post TBL: what a topic to choose for this auspicious occasion! I was wondering how TBL would celebrate…discussing that totemic figure of bogan hero worship, total gold!

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Good call Bag O. May I also add my congratulations and thanks for much amusement!

21 06 2010
pb

you know it didn’t even register that it was post 150. my congratulations to tbl as well.

21 06 2010
Sibyl Ince

Nah Kate, there’s no substitute for mental ;-)

21 06 2010
Mitch-Jay

“The self-congratulatory, over-educated leftist hipster loves the idea of Che Guevara.”

Quick re-write?

Our IT network is on the blink this morning, we had to dig an older draft version out of our email archive and try to fix it as we went. Monday mornings are the best. TBL

21 06 2010
MarkD

Well done! I was wondering when TBL would get around to Ned (and the Eureka Flag). Another example of how the History Wars have further boganized Australia.

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. Your pre-edited opening sentence was better. :-)

21 06 2010
Mitch-Jay

By God, I’m surprised they haven’t blocked you from commenting on this blog. The only reason they have not is that is may very well be impossible.

21 06 2010
Glass 'em all

“The bogan mentally substitutes “horse” with “HSV”, and approves.” Still sniggering. The amount of mental activity attributed to the bogan eher seems a bit of a stretch – it needs to be pointed out that this is more in the nature of an affliction, a bit like that of the hero in “Shutter Island”. The bogan doesn’t make conscious decisions, it reacts more like a reptile, and seems to be drawn to those equally reptilian, ie the denizens of Underbelly and the Big Brother household.

Let’s try to steer clear of taking the easy way out, just saying ‘bogans are mentally deficient’. They can make choices and think them through; just normally reach the wrong conclusion. TBL

21 06 2010
Glass 'em all

Good point. I was thinking more of the ‘drawing parallels’ end of the conscious thought spectrum, where education and imagination collide. I assume that Today Tonight does a six-monthly precis of the bogan version of Ned’s life to keep them up to scratch, or when ever a new Ned film is mooted.

21 06 2010
Tone

I believe that the substitutions made by bogans as per this entry are more Pavlovian, rather than being driven by anything resembling conscious thought.

21 06 2010
Glass 'em all

Have to agree. A bit like Parliament, really…

21 06 2010
Tone

Ned Kelly’s first victim of crime? A Chinese farmer named Ah Fook. Which, co-incidentally, sounds an awful lot like one of the favourite phrases in the Bogan lexicon.

21 06 2010
martin

The suit was pretty cool. “Such is life” could also be similar to “life’s a bitch then you marry one”.

21 06 2010
Tone

I would have thought that ‘Shit happens’ would be more a modern day ‘Such is life’, but there you go.

21 06 2010
Shirley M

Carl Williams is the Ned Kelly of the now.

21 06 2010
pb

scarily i did read comments on trash media websites where bogans made that exact claim in absolute seriousness.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I read that too PB. F@@king Morons.

I like the history of Ned Kelly, but I don’t subscribe to the Bogan school of ‘thought’. I think it is an interesting period in Australian history and don’t believe that Neddy was as innocent as they would like us to believe. Good Story though.

22 06 2010
common man

damn i spent weeks trashing carl with bike jokes

21 06 2010
James Hunter

First let me say it must have been very painful for the three coppers. To be shot in the bush would be the end.

Next lets all wait with baited breath for :Tha ra tha ra trumpets and drum roll
Petes “Ode to Ned “

21 06 2010
miss dahl

James, don’t encourage him. Those really long attempts at poetry (or whatever they were) showed more enthusiasm than talent.

21 06 2010
Antosha

I’m still waiting for Pete’s ‘Ode to Our Fi’

or mayhaps… “Ode to the Dot”

21 06 2010
Shirley M

I’m thinking of recording his lovely songs so we can all have our very own copy. Would that be ok with you Petey? xx

21 06 2010
Tombarina

Dunno about OK…but it would certainly be enlightening for me. I have no idea what my original song is, and I can’t find it on iTunes.

Perhaps I should check in with Sad FM: Music for the Elderly and Undermedicated – maybe that’s where Petey got it from.

21 06 2010
Shirley M

I don’t know it either, but if I can track it down, I’ll record it for you.

21 06 2010
SD

OMG just saw Pete’s offerings over the weekend. Was some substance abuse at the root of the language abuse?

21 06 2010
Sten

I suspect he sucked a lot of lead soldiers when he was a kid.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

SD

You’re very brave reading Peta’s blog. **Shudder**

22 06 2010
SD

Oh I didn’t read his blog – just Pete’s attempts to be the TBL “poet laureate” – in post #149 I think.

Sten, that lead soldiers theory might just be right.

22 06 2010
Sten

I’d put money on it, SD.

21 06 2010
T-ra

I wonder if in 100 years time Carl Williams will be on T-shirts, idolised in bogan folk law, worshipped as a hero by those who overlook all negative aspects of his life…oh wait…too late! I am waiting for the inevitable bogan worship poster to be released with Ned Kelly, Carl Williams, Chopper Reed (and various other Australian underworld figures) having a drink/line together!

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Tara,
That would be a sight,
Ned Kelly taking a drink or shooting a line in that suit of his !!

21 06 2010
pb

i can see it now – a reworking of dogs playing poker, but ‘underworld figures’ rather than dogs.

21 06 2010
vivisection

or Tretchikoff’s Blue Carl

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Stop it!! The visions are too much for me!!!

21 06 2010
Sten

Nope. The all-pervasive trashmedia kraken will find someone new for the Bogue to idolise and poor Carl will wind up on the scrap heap (or compost heap, as may be more appropriate). Much like Australian Idol contestants, really.

21 06 2010
Shreiking Wombat

The Williams worship has already started:

“Carl Williams was murdered by the pigs”:

http://graemebird.wordpress.com/2010/04/20/the-pigs-murdered-carl-williams/

I give you fair warning, the guy’s a complete and utter crackpot.

21 06 2010
Dave

In case you can’t be bothered going into the above site – here are some tidbits:

And what do you think we should be doing to honour our Carl? … our Carl was a Fair Dinkum Aussie. Our Carl was a true blue, rolled gold Anzac.

So very sad.

21 06 2010
Glass 'em all

I read that. I thought they were taking the piss…

21 06 2010
Shreiking Wombat

No. The guy’s dead serious.

Like I said, he’s a nutter.

21 06 2010
Sten

I can’t be bothered looking too deeply into it. I bet he also writes about stuff like Chemtrails, space lizards controlling certain world governments and how the mid-air disappearance of those mining twats yesterday was all Kevin Rudd’s fault… oh, wait, some knob from the Liberal Party already is…

21 06 2010
Gazza

Sweet Bubba Jesus, please tell me that site’s satirical.

23 06 2010
Bogdan Boganovic

“I give you fair warning…” Yeah, but I just had to click on that link anyway. Oh bejaysus. The horror…. Thing is, I don’t have any problem drawing comparisons between Williams and Ned Kelly. Both violent petty criminals; stupid thugs with an inflated sense of their own importance. Kelly should be embraced as Australia’s first bogan.

21 06 2010
Mark

If Che’s a murderer, does that make Nelson Mandela a terrorist?

21 06 2010
Shirley M

Absolutely.

21 06 2010
pb

mark, welcome to the cesspit of humanity: http://plaintruthmagazine.blogspot.com/2008/06/stop-terrorist-nelson-mandela.html a simple google search of ‘nelson mandela terrorist’ turns up over 350 000 hits.

21 06 2010
Mark

and South Africa’s apartheid regime was far more evil than Mandela ever was

21 06 2010
pb

of course, but that doesn’t stop ill-informed right-wing idiots painting mandela as some terrorist mastermind destroying the perfect beauty that (apparently) was apartheid south africa. they also disregard the fact that, under apartheid law, it was illegal to congregate in groups or take any action if you were black, so the laws that were being broken were utterly ridiculous anyway.

21 06 2010
Shirley M

Just because you believe that Mandela had good reasons to do what he did doesn’t make it non-terrorist, either.

21 06 2010
Sibyl Ince

Mandela was never listed by Amnesty International as a political prisoner. This is because… “Nelson Mandela had participated in planning acts of sabotage and inciting violence, so that he could no longer fulfill the criteria for the classification of political prisoners.”

Reportedly his arsenal included: The preparation, manufacture and use of explosives, including 210,000 hand grenades, 48,000 anti-personnel mines, 1,500 time devices, 144 tons of ammonium nitrate, 21.6 tons of aluminum powder and a ton of black powder. 193 counts of terrorism committed between 1961 and 1963″

But then I guess it could have been for self-defence.

21 06 2010
vivisection

I’d like to hear BFFJ’s opinion / in depth analysis on this one. Could be gold

21 06 2010
pb

let’s not turn this into a debate about nelson mandela. the apartheid regime was horrendous, those fighting it progressed from pacifist to activist to violent measures to oppose it, mandela was a major person in the resistance. can we just agree on those basics and move on?

21 06 2010
vivisection

He was alright, that Winnie was a piece of work on the other hand ;)

21 06 2010
Sibyl Ince

Yeah, in their divorce settlement she told him he could keep the car as long as she got the tyres.

21 06 2010
SD

It’s alright Sibyl, you are now living here and don’t have to live in Mandela Land anymore.

I don’t think either of Che or Mandela is a hero – but picking on a particular part of their writings to sneer at them denies them the complexity of their thought and actions. Messrs Blair, Bush and Howard also after all thought that a few civilian lives lost here and there was all good. It’s the nature of politics.

The next bit I suppose is to suggest that MLK and Gandhi secretly wanted to blow people to bits.

21 06 2010
Sibyl Ince

I’m sorry you don’t get African humour and, no, I’m not African of any flavour.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Quite true SD, however even the most cursory glance at Che’s writings and actions clearly demonstrate that the man was racist (he despised africans), homophobic and lacking moral fibre. He established the non-judicial concentration camps to send people to if their behaviour was not illegal ie queers, immoral people, religious protestors and political protestors. People in these camps were bashed, raped and tortured, given no trials or legal representation and had indefinite sentences for crimes which weren’t actually illegal. I think even Mandela would not have approved. John Howard on the other hand…

21 06 2010
SD

oops, you were quoting the blog….unfortunately I clicked and increased page views.

21 06 2010
SD

Was he racist? I thought his account of being in Congo was quite balanced – or so I was told.

Yes, I get the homophobic bit (thinking of Before Night Falls) but that movie still left me a bit unsure of whether it was homosexuality alone that was targeted. Communist regimes tend to paranoia so I guess it’s harder to locate the “truth”.

I am not a Che fan but I would think that at least some of his motivations must come from a degree of morality-and that’s not simply because of the saintly sort that he is Motorcycle Diaries:-)

21 06 2010
vivisection

Another excerpt from Che’s diary that was conveniently left out of the film.
“The blacks, those magnificent examples of the African race who have maintained their racial purity thanks to their lack of an affinity with bathing, have seen their territory invaded by a new kind of slave: the Portuguese. The contempt and poverty unites them in the daily struggle, but the different way of dealing with life separates them completely;the black is indolent and a dreamer; spending his meager wage on frivolity or drink; the European has a tradition of work and saving, which has pursued him as far as this corner of America and drives him to advance himself, even independently of his own individual aspirations.”

21 06 2010
SD

Whoa!

This makes me think that all racist attitudes can be distilled down to two things:

1. The other side doesn’t bathe
2. The other side is lazy.

21 06 2010
SD

Sigh stuck in moderation

Re Che Whoa!

This makes me think that all r….st attitudes can be distilled down to two things:

1. The other side doesn’t bathe
2. The other side is lazy.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Che Guevarra’s Diary march 1957

“….to executes a human being is something ugly, but exemplary. From now on nobody here will refer to me again as the tooth-drawer of the guerrilla.”

In a letter to his father referring to this execution he writes: “I’d like to confess, papa, at that moment I discovered that I really like killing.”

22 06 2010
21 06 2010
Jim

I have many bogan mates, and am borderline at times myself as sadly I do identify with many of your posts.

One of them has a large tattoo on his leg of Ned. But now that it’s been pointed out to him that Ned Kelly may well have been gay, he now loudly displays his tattoo of Dan Kelly when ever he can. “No way would I have a tat of a pooftah on me”.

I haven’t had the heart to tell him about the Dan Kelly rumours.

21 06 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

Yawn. When is the book coming out?

21 06 2010
Shirley M

Sometime before your book comes out.

21 06 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

C’mon Shirl, they have been clutching at straws ever since the book deal was announced. Would you pay a one off subscription fee to read this blog?

21 06 2010
Shirley M

I think I would.

22 06 2010
common man

tracey please leave and join the sophist fb group then..ive been stirring them mad if its action you seek lol!!

22 06 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

Que?

22 06 2010
James Hunter

What?

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Cm,
You have serious competition from Pete, he stirs most every one mad.

22 06 2010
common man

his loss, i love the commentor’s humour here the fb group is..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

I have met at least 2 bogans over the years who claim to be descended from Ned Kelly. I found their claims very interesting since Ned Kelly never married and there has never been any historical record stating that he had fathered any child out of wedlock.

21 06 2010
Andrew

Whilst I don’t think the mental substitution is too much of a stretch for the average bogan, I think you have given the bogan too much credit as to their actual knowledge of Ned Kelly’s life, and their knowledge of the eureka stockade.

I expect the average bogans knowledge of Ned ends soon after they describe his very successful armour (which he first put on as a small child and didn’t take off until after he was hung). The really knowledgeable bogan may even know of Glenrowen, but the actual details is o9f what happened is that interlectaul sutff whcih olny prooftas know…

21 06 2010
pb

the bogan knows all it needs to know – ned kelly was an aussie hero, them bastard pigs killed him. anything else they may have heard about him will be twisted to fit this basic outline.

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

The bogan’s primary sources of knowledge of Ned Kelly comes from folklore handed down from previous generations of bogans and the movie starring Health Ledger. A secondary (and slightly more accurate) source of Ned Kelly hostory can be found in Glenrowan itself, home of the big Ned Kelly and several Ned Kelly themed museums and tourist traps.

I wouldn’t be surprised of the bogan only stops in Glenrowan to ask for direction after getting lost on the way to see the V8 Supercars at the nearby Winton Raceway.

21 06 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

Yes, funny how Heath’s role in Brokeback Mountain has been struck from the psyche of us bogans (unless we see a guy in an Akubra) however his role in Batman was too ‘realistic’.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Glenrowan is awesomely daggy. We had a great time there last holidays :D

22 06 2010
Nelson Esq

Did you go into the really bad animatronic Ned Kelly Show? It’s like Disneyland but even more sad…

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

My kids thought it was awesome Nelson. But they are only 9 and 10 so it’s okay.

As Mr Pinky comment, “Points for trying” Shit coffee up there too which did my head in…LOL

22 06 2010
Nelson Esq

My godfather has a small winery just outside of Glenrowan and we go up fairly often to stay. About 4 years ago I finally gave into temptation after my godfathers daughter told me ‘It’s so bad, it’s good! and splashed out the $15 (I think!!) and went into the show. She was right; it is bad, but certainly not good enough for the entry price, imho. I can see how kids would love it and bogans would think it is a documentary…

You’re also right about the coffee up there…awful!

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Mr Pinky and I nearly had a heart attack when they asked us to pay $15 for our baby! We decided that Mr Pinky would stay with baby Pinky (whose name is Edward…BAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and I would go in with Miss and Master Pinky. Well it was dreadful. Master Pinky was killing himself laughing at it and Miss Pinky was concerned that maybe the place was going to set on fire.

I actually liked it up there, Mr Pinky and I considered buying land there as a ‘get away’ place.

22 06 2010
common man

ditto until they drained lake mokoan

22 06 2010
Valo

21 06 2010
j-ho

But Ned Kelly led the uprising at the Eureka Stockade? This was why he was chosen as leader to go to Gallipoli where he defeated the Turks..

21 06 2010
Valo

Correct. He then went on to steer Australia to victory in the Americas Cup AND boxing day test at the same time, despite them not even being on the same days and after drinking 47 cans on his way back to Melbourne from Adelaide. He then won Bathurst the very next day.

21 06 2010
Tombarina

Surely he shagged someone notable along the way? The Australian women’s synchronised swimming team? Lara Bingle? Ita Buttrose?

21 06 2010
Valo

Yes, Jana Pittman. In the Big Brother house.

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

He also did Paris Hilton…went slops on Millsy!

21 06 2010
Valo

…in the birdcage at Felmington during the Melbourne Cup. This act led to Maxtreme Marxxxson signing him up and getting him the headline slot at the Big Day Out. For five straight years. Ned not only led both Queensland and New South Wales to State of Origin victories in the same game, he also managed to get the Tasmanian side over the line in the same contest. The Tasmanian side also featured Jackie Chan, Larry Emdur, Don Bradman and the dog that played Bouncer on Neighbours.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And in the final nod to Neds greatness Chuck Norris has been ssen wearing A Ned Kelly shirt with Such is Life bedazzled on the back in Swartovski crystals.

21 06 2010
Antosha

as Ned uttered his famous final words…

“Fuck off, We’re full.”

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ J-Ho, Valo, Tombarina, Nelson Esq, Simon -Glasser At Arms, Antosha

**Round of Applause**
You’re all HILARIOUS! BAHAHAHAHAHA

22 06 2010
common man

at that time mitta mitta was being mined by asian folk working there guts out only to be robbed and abused for actually trying to legally contribute to our society

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

The Bogan probably thinks Che was at Eureka as well.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

21 06 2010
Dave

No, but Carl was.

21 06 2010
Sten

Pinky, surely you don’t need to be told that Ned, on top of all his other amazing achievements in Australia, also disappeared to Argentina for a bit, became a doctor, helped some guy named Catro take over Cuba, resumed his original identity after his “murder” in Bolivia, helped the US win the Vietnam War, wrote ALL of Cold Chisel’s songs… and I believe he is about to find Osama.

Even a Bogue knows Ned and Che were the same person!

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Sorry Sten. I’m poorly educated it seems.

22 06 2010
Sten

It’s OK Pinky, all of us TBL fans are sadly deluded when it comes to history.

21 06 2010
KateEdwards

Fantastic.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Someone should start writing UnderKelly, the prequel. Starring Matthew Newton as Scrub Bush #5 and Some Buff young Thing from Home And Away as Ned. Of course we will need to include seedy pantaloon strippers, Dirty Pigs (played by Alf from Home and Away), Farkin Screw Kunts (Grant Denyer?) and some Loose Irish Barmaids with Hearts of Gold (Lisa McCune and Georgie Parker??).

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

It just writes itself..
Dirty Pig: Strewth, the UnderKelly’s are down at the old Stringybark Creek! Let’s go capture the mongrels”

Later at Stringybark Creek…
Dirty Pig: Hey Kunt, Ned and Scrub Bush #5 are over there!
Farkin Screw Kunt: You sure that Scrub Bush #5 is a bushranger? I mean, that poor excuse for a beard is just not bushy enough!
Dirty Pig: This is the Police!! Give yourselves up Ned and Scrub Bush, you Irish maggots, we’ve got you surrounded!
Ned: Never! This is racial victimisation by a corrupt police force, that one day will run Kings Cross!
Dirty Pig: It can’t be racial victimisation, the Victorian Government won’t pass those kinds of laws for another 120 years or so!
Ned: Get out of here pigs, before I pop a cap through your heart!!

21 06 2010
vivisection

Loose Irish Barmaid with a heart of Gold # 1:”Leave him alone ya farkin pig kaarnt!”

Loose Irish Barmaid with a Heart of Gold#2 ” No Ned , dooon’t, your too strong Ned , noooo”

Dirty Bitch Pantaloon Stripper:” You’ll never take him alive, ya farkin pig kaarnts”

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

Loose Irish Barmaid with a heart of Gold # 1: What ya gunna do now Ned, now that ya killed those pigs?
Ned: I’m going to make a stand by getting pissed at the Glenrowan pub and then glassing Kunt when he tries to arrest me!
Dirty Bitch Pantaloon Stripper: Ned, I’ve sewed you a cap from a pair of my soiled pantaloons to help protect your head from your iron helmet!
Ned: I’m touched by the gesture, now get me a beer, you wench!

21 06 2010
vivisection

Ned’s last day
Farkin Screw Kunt:” Ned Kelly is that you?”

ned:” To Be Sure, to be sure..”

Farkin Screw Kunt:” What would you be wanting for your final meal Ned Kelly?”

Ned:”A pie, to be sure ya farkin screw kaaarnt”

Farkin Screw Kunt :”Any final words Ned Kelly”

Ned: “Life’s a bitch and then you marry one”

Farkin Screw Kunt: “Oh that’d make a good tattoo to be sure”

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

Loose Irish Barmaid with a heart of Gold # 1: *sobbing* Oh Ned, it’s so unfair! You fought for justice when dirty pigs racially vilified you for being Irish and now they’re hanging you!

Loose Irish Barmaid with a Heart of Gold#2″ It’s just not fair, it wouldn’t have happened if he was recruited by Collingwood. The AFL just doesn’t put up with racial vilification!

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Where are the tits ya carnts?

21 06 2010
vivisection

Oh, everyone is topless, except Ned – he has his helmet and two small metal discs covering his nipples (completely tattooed torso – celtic knots and some tribal) and a pair of G Star Raw pants.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Can Alf please wear a shirt. No man boobs thanks.

21 06 2010
vivisection

we’ll air brush them out

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Cool. Please cast Nigella Lawson as the cook in the pub. James Hunter will be ever so pleased with that.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Do you mean “Busty O’Reilly”, the Saucy Pie Maker who’s Pussy will always be drenched, out in the cold or running up the curtains. “Ooo, myyy Pussy’s caught out in the rain, she’ll be drenched!”

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

The Freak from Prisoner as Ned’s mum. SJP as Ned’s horse. John Wood as the Judge sentencing Ned to death. Jimoin as ‘Irishman aimlessly walking in background’ Chk Chk Boom Clare as Dirt Bitch Pantaloon Stripper

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

That’s the one, JH will lose his shit, genius plot device Viv. And a bit of comic relief Mrs Slocombe style.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Quality casting Nelson. Quality! We need Brian McFadden in their too, perhaps riding Delta around like a pony in the background.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Can we get Ian McShane to reprise his role as murderous innkeep Al Swearengen from Deadwood. He can call everyone cocksucker and run the whores.

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. I will play the part of Joanie Stubbs.

21 06 2010
vivisection

I did have the guy that played Bob Hatfield in A country Practice in mind, but I think he was busted for kiddy fiddling wasn’t he? So ok, Deadwood Cocksucker can do it.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Fi, Genius. I assume you have a similar modus operandi when going to do a slaying! We are up for M15+ on this.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Fi, I thought you’d be playing Farkin Screw Kunts wife, Goode Screw Cunt, who visits the Underkelly on death row and offers him kind words, a chest to rest his world weary head upon and a final piece of pie. All with a tear in your eye at the injustice of it all..

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. I wouldn’t have it any other way. :-)

21 06 2010
vivisection

made a naughty typo and got caught in moderation – so will repost :

Fi, I thought you’d be playing Farkin Screw Kunts wife, Goode Screw Kunt, who visits the Underkelly on death row and offers him kind words, a chest to rest his world weary head upon and a final piece of pie. All with a tear in your eye at the injustice of it all..

21 06 2010
Tombarina

Major oversight, kids.

The Bud Tingwell Legislation component of Commonwealth law clearly states that any quasi-historical production must include at LEAST three of the following:
* Sigrid Thornton
* Bill Hunter
* Jack Thompson
* Matron Sloane
* A former child actor from either H&A or Neighbours who is now gratefully accepting minor roles in local productions after discovering that Hollywood wasn’t actually desperate for another braying Aussie accent
* That bloke who was in Phoenix and Blue Murder and Gettin’ Square and a heap of other stuff and he always plays a copper, often a bent one, and he’s really good at it, but I reckon he’d be a top bloke in real life
* A Daddo (optional).

21 06 2010
SD

True, true Tomabrina – major recasting in order.

But there are all these ads of Sigrid in some period thingie and all I can say is-MAJOR plastic surgery.

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

Brian McFadden only if his character can be shot dead in the script (perhaps scrub bush #2. aka Dan Kelly)…and then use a real bulletr on set, like they did for Brandon Lee in The Crow. And once he’s dead, we get to shoot his horse as well!

21 06 2010
vivisection

We have “Buff Young Guy from H&A in the lead role, I’d put Sigrid Thornton in with Lisa McCune and Georgie Parker as Slightly Older Sister of Loose Irish Barmaids with Hearts of Gold, and Jack Thompson can play”Block of Wood sat upon by Ned at Campfire”.

Tombarina, you saved our skins. We don’t want Bud Tingwell getting his fancy pants involved!

21 06 2010
vivisection

Only if Brian McFadden’s horse is also played by SJP – i don’t want animals getting hurt on set.

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. Shirley Mullet simply HAS to be Trixie. :-)

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Fi, I got the two confused and thought of you as Trixie, sorry. I just saw you and your gun and your skirt over your head. Also Peter can play EB Farnam. I think I would make a good Bullock.

21 06 2010
Tombarina

Surely, Farnsey – the REAL Farnsey – as EB Farnum? And Barnsey – again, the real one – as contemporary Kelly Gang photographer William Edward Barnes?

And Kyle Sandilands as a stunt double for SJP’s rear end. He’s the ultimate horse’s ar$e – the role he was born to play – especially if it’s a girl-horsey.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I had Farnsie pencilled in as the pub pianist who gets savagely glassed by a mysterious figure who appears to have nothing to do with the show. Good work on getting Sandilands so well cast. The Daddo’s can play miscellaneous corpses in the undertakers.

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

Brian Brown as some pissed guy at the bar of the Glenrowan Inn, who gets caught in the crossfire during the shoot out. For no other reason than for the slow-mo action of his body being riddled with bullets for a gruesome death scene of an innocent by-stander. But because he would have slagged off Ned in an earlier scene, the bogan would think that he deserved it. A bogan version of David & Margaret (Davo and Mags?) would definitely give this film 5 stars

21 06 2010
Shirley M

Ooooohhh I’d like to be Trixie very much!

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Done Shirl. Good luck.

21 06 2010
Shirley M

Thanks Simon. But I think you’re supposed to say ‘break a leg’.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Bugger, sorry not used to working with thespians.

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Instead, I think Bryan Brown could be cast as tree stump in the scrub: this will better suit his wooden acting style.

21 06 2010
pb

if you’re still wanting some more minor kelly family members and need to up your quota of ex-soap actors, what about that guy from neighbours who played the irish backpacker or whatever he was?

22 06 2010
Nelson Esq

I think our Simon should be Ned’s stunt double in the glassing scene at the Glenrowan pub.

21 06 2010
pb

i hope those nipple discs have been artfully incorporated into the tattoo.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Yes they will be pre-shot by a high powered rifle and will look like those stickers of bullet holes bogans put on their cars. They’ll think he was shot in the tits and be amazed at how maaxtreme and cool he was.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
Simon and I will do that. We can use them for target practice, if the whole thing is stencilled with a white dot pattern representing the position of the authentic holes we can do the rest.
Can even worh up through the calibers if needed 22 magnum 22 hornet, 222, 243, 270, 303,308,.50

21 06 2010
Shirley M

I co-wrote a song for a musical once called ‘hooker with a heart of gold’. I’m be more than happy for it to appear on the soundtrack.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

You guys are going to win a Gold Logie for sure, or maybe even an Oscar.

Get your Red Carpet glamour together!! WOOT

21 06 2010
amr

There are those of us old enough to remember Lips Jagger as Ned.
Given he is still alive he could do it again

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ amr

Shhhhh…We’re young and hip ;)

21 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

Thanks Pete. chubbybloodfart live from the Gin Gin bakery. The Ned Kelly pie not moving particularly well today, pundits speculating that the curious inclusion of garlic in the recipe has confused many bogues and steered them back towards more traditional fare. meanwhile in other memories, we recall not being particularly swayed by any particular foreign reactionaries whilst failing to meet the attendance requirements for our first year arts degree, but nonetheless favouring a slightly moaist fashion paradigm, but we were also listening to billy brag and freur, so all bets are off. my personal revolutionary hero was, and remains Gough Whitlam and in a spectacular coincidence of relevance, he was sacked on the same day they hung Poor Ned.
A few years later obviously.
Hmm.
Wonder if anyone does a Gough shirt? In that nice negative relief shadow sort of thing thanks.
Like Che but jowlier.
I recall “outlaw” biker types favouring images of ned astride a harley wiv helmet and sawn off shottie on a field of eureka flag. don’t know where to start on that one…
And in sports news Peter Carey wrote a fine novel a few yers ago purporting to tell the true story of the kelly gang, which this reporter certainly enjoyed. back to you in the studio Peter.
(chubbybloodfart wears reproduction “Jack Purcells” by Converse. Shirts by A Bathing Ape. Ethics by Aristotle)
ps
If I had been in nelson mandela’s position I would have done what nelson mandela did.

21 06 2010
vivisection

I’d have thought the Ned Kelly Pie would be a few old potato peels, some gristle and some roadkill. Mixed with some farkin injustice.

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

and baked on a tray in the shape of Ned Kelly’s armoured chest plate

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

The Beechworth Bakery, which now seems to be in almost every large Victorian country town, do a very good Ned Kelly Pie. It has bacon and egg on top of a traditonal meat pie. Mmm mmm!!

21 06 2010
Glass 'em all

Yeah, but does it come in a steel can?

21 06 2010
vivisection

or riddled with shrapnel?

22 06 2010
common man

no,but its a good bogan spotting venue now

22 06 2010
James Hunter

CM
Well done.
you can put an intelligable comment together.
keep up the good work , leave the nuttier fruitkakes to the Nuttier Fruit cake specialist the :
The One And Only Nuttier Than A Fruit Cake, Contestant .PETE
Looks like Pete gets a 10,10,10,10,10.
and is at least an equal winner.
Of course he was the only contestant in the Fruit Cake division. Cm having been disqualified by the Stewards for making sensible, intelligable comments.
There may be an objection filed by the management of Shirly M’s team.
So we now have to await the judges decision.

22 06 2010
common man

LOL!

22 06 2010
Antosha

CM is in quite remarkable form. Even I am beginning to understand him word for word!

I’m frightened….. ALAS !!

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Good idea re the Gough t-shirt (a reproduction of the ’72 campaign pic with “It’s Time” emblazoned across the bottom—’twas he who dragged Australia from the extended 1950s straight into the 70s), but only one problem with that: the bogues may co-opt it, not fully appreciating his undeniable legacy of his all-too-brief tenure, polluting the idealism of Whitlam era (of which I was born in) for those who cherish it.

21 06 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Based on TShirt sales baby bogans think Ned Kelly was one of the Ramones

21 06 2010
vivisection

Which is just silly because we all know the Ramones is just a brand name.

21 06 2010
amr

Like Ed Hardy

21 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

alright,
this is all just heading into wild speculation.
the facts of the matter are that Ned Kelly designed the eureka flag after he shot Harry Morant at galllipoli who was trying to organise a buy for Carl Williams to try and flood the golden mile of broken hill with turkish hammer and leverage out the cheap chinese gear flooding in with the “coolies” which was getting diggers coming back from vietnam addicted because the moran family had left prahan to louie bayeh after the neddy smith payroll job. that’s why ben cousins said “such is life” and christian audigier started doing sailor tattoos on Tshirts. barry hall had absolutely nothing to do with it, and most bogans blame the italian referee anyway.
so…
y’know.

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Marvellous, Chubby!

Now just don’t let the trashmedia doyens at TT/ACA get a hold of this synopsis, or the bogans may just have a refresher course on their oil-smothered grasp of Strayan Histry.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Isn’t the education dept asking for submissions on what should be in the new Australian School Curriculum. I think should be submitted.

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I think a lot the sprogs would be compelled to watch these shows, either under mild duress by their folks (“yool moight learn sumpkin’ Bhraeydynn!), or the promise of some mild prime-time titillation of seeing some comely lass demonstrate the wonders of the latest miracle bra.

21 06 2010
pb

this is completely off-topic, but it just begged to be posted: http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/1073609/clare-werbeloff-goes-topless-for-last-ralph-issue
i’m really not sure what to say. i particularly love this gem of a comment from her: “I just wanted to stand out and be classy so I’m really happy how it turned out.” because we all know nothing says classy like fake witness accounts and getting your tits out in trashmags.

21 06 2010
miss dahl

She was really nervous about doing it … then why do it? Oh yes, I forgot, to impress the female bogan friends and tease all the male bogans in here sphere. Yawn.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Max Marxxxson forced her as her candle wanes.

21 06 2010
Glass 'em all

And his.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

We live in hope Glass.

21 06 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

edna loves viv.

21 06 2010
vivisection

Cheers Edna :)

21 06 2010
SD

Get in the Q, Edna :-)

21 06 2010
Tombarina

I (mentally) saw him first, Edna, you towel-headed queue jumper, you!

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Why do chicks love the gay guy? What about us fabulous Hetro’s!

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. It’s because you’re only fabulous, not FAAAAAbulous!

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I just had a haircut so looking pretty svelte!

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. You had a haircut and thus lost weight? How hairy were you?

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No more a tidy up as I like to keep my hair short, just thought that may tip me over into FAAAAbulous!

21 06 2010
Tombarina

That thought crossed my small mind, too. In it, suddenly and worryingly, Simon looked something like this:

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh, very droll Tomba!

21 06 2010
Pandabater

Insert File: cackle.mp3

21 06 2010
SD

Viv is super fabulous that’s why!

But James not H is running a close second.

And yes we love you too!

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

So chicks also love beards and tweed jackets with elbow patches. Ok we are getting somewhere here.

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. Well, at least one does, “James not H” did say he was married after all.

21 06 2010
SD

Come now Fi, you have been all over the man!

21 06 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

*blushes

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. I think you’ll find the obverse to be true.

I have admired his input into my er, questions, however.

21 06 2010
Tombarina

True, SD. Chubby’s also “medalling”.

21 06 2010
SD

Yes Tombarina – inspite of claiming to look like some hairy actor bloke.

Simon you need to grow back that hair!

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Simon ,
the chicks love the gay guys because they percieve them as being non threatening

21 06 2010
vivisection

I’ll kick the sh!t out of you if you say that again.

21 06 2010
SD

You go Viv. But can you return that ! back to P!nk?!

Fiona, we all know that you have a thing for erudite bearded academics with patches at their elbows. Your deference to James not H has been most unFi!

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. As James not H will tell you, it was merely a cessation of hostilities.

21 06 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

Indeed.

21 06 2010
Shirley M

I love you Simon. I love most of you. xx

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

*joins James on the blushmobile*

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

We love you too Si, don’t worry. ;)

22 06 2010
Antosha

Good point Mr At Arms. How can a young strapping chap such as I miss out on all this booty?

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ladies, bit of love for our Russian delegate please.

22 06 2010
SD

I have to say that now the Q of men wanting to be hearted by TBL women is at least as long as the one of TBL women hearting Viv.

But yes Antosha – you are empahtically hearted for your tales from the tundra!

22 06 2010
Shirley M

I love you Antosha.

22 06 2010
Antosha

You are all too kind!!

An extra generous lashing of Austrian cabbage and vodka to you all!

22 06 2010
Shirley M

I’ll have extra vodka and no cabbage, thanks.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Now now ladies, there’s enough Vivi to go around, Love ya Vivi and almost everyone else.

22 06 2010
common man

how touching im so jealous lol!

21 06 2010
miss dahl

It all boils down to the bogan’s love of violence, guns and the sex appeal of the villain, er hero, whatever. I mean, if Che didn’t look just like a young Tommy Lee Jones, and Ned wasn’t portrayed by Heath Ledger or Mick Jagger, then the bogan (who, let’s face it, does NOT read history) wouldn’t have a point of reference.

21 06 2010
vivisection

So poor old Gough doesn’t have a chance… Sorry Chubby. Unless he is played by that guy who is rooting Miley Cyrus when they make his life story film biopic.

21 06 2010
pb

no, we just need to find some bogue-approved older actor to portray him. harrison ford maybe?

21 06 2010
vivisection

Ted Danson?

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

John Howard (the guy from All Saints)…oh the irony of a bloke called John Howard playing Gough Whitlam!!!

If that fails, because we live in a multi-cultural and open society and we can let historical fact be damned (i’e Whitlam is a white guy) get Jay La’gaia

21 06 2010
vivisection

and Ernie Dingo can play Malcolm Fraser

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

with Magda playing Tammy.

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

actually, get Deborah Mailman instead…

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Deni Hines seems to be at a loose end, she can play their daughter.

21 06 2010
Tombarina

Simon, Deni’s far too busy delivering witty yet insightful bon mots as a social commentator on 20 To 1: Most Witless Cobbled-Together TV Dross For Pitiable Dullards And Their Slack-Jawed Progeny.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Fair ‘nough, that would be time consuming. Did you get that description from Channel 2.5’s promo? How about Christine Anu in her stead?

21 06 2010
Pandabater

King of the Bogans Russell Crowe would have to be in the movie & to prove what a free thinker he is I submit this;

http://www.perthnow.com.au/entertainment/russell-crowe-i-was-a-victim-of-racism/story-e6frg30c-1225881716469

21 06 2010
Tombarina

Christina seems to have an actual career going on.

What about the warbling salad-dodger herself, Casey Donovan, the talented but troubled girl who parlayed her Australian Idol crown into utter obscurity. Surely she’s due for a comeback. And the bogan LOVES a comeback…as long as Casey doesn’t get too uppity along the way.

Such a piece of casting would also lend itself to a musical number – Memreeeeeeeeze, perhaps. Or My Heart Will Go On. Or something by Shania Twain.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Casey will need to have a weight loss story to go with her comeback. Celebs are only allowed to be chunky if they are also funny.

21 06 2010
Tombarina

@Pandabater: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, La Russe is the biggest knob *insert deity here* ever shovelled guts into.

“Ill-advised and badly conceived”, quoth Russ manfully, generously irrigating innocent bystanders with the sweat of his gargantuan intellect as he opined on the RSPT.
“Ugh – and tee-hee,” tittered the intellect-bespattered innocent bystanders, wryly amused by Manful Russ’s inadvertent description of the average punter’s interest in Russ’s opinion on…well, anything.

21 06 2010
pb

nelson – you’re onto a winner with the john howard suggestion.

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Actually John Howard did play his namesake on The Games, apologising to the Stolen Generations.

Now that was grand…just grateful that bogans never watched that show (it was on ABC), or it would’ve been all over the Pacific Gyre of trash that is AM talkback radio fellatio.

21 06 2010
pb

yes, i remember that – great tv.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Viv I dont know where I can fit in but I do have my beard in a 12″ pigtail at the moment. So maybe I could be a token Chineese >

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. You have the part of Wu. We can feed dead people to your collection of Pinky’s.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Yes – The Chinese Cocksucker and dope pusher.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Im not a poofter but I did f#$k a bloke once who was !!
Any ways sucking Chinese cock may be a bit much as would doper pushing. with my luck the dope would turn out to be Pete and I would be forever the subject of his song writing.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sorry James, Mr Wu’s one word of english is cocksucker, so it will be easy to learn your lines!.

If you have never seen Deadwood track it down on DVD, it is worth it.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Never seen it so i missed the point compleatly.
Nonetheless sounds cool particularly if i get to say cocksucker all the time.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Fi

What? Can you explain this one too me. I have had a distressing afternoon and can’t really spare the energy to work out your ‘wit’.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Pinky,

I can help here. Mr Wu has pigs who dispose of illegal corpses.

Fi, by calling them Pinkies is harking back to the old childrens book Pinky the Pig.

22 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL, Not quite. I was suggesting P!nky would be the natural choice to play the role of a pig.

22 06 2010
SD

Oh Fiona lay off P!nky-maybe you can resume hostilities with James?!

22 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. That’s a fair point. At least James provides a measure (although still small) of a challenge.

22 06 2010
James, anti Anti-Intellectual

A measure you are yet to effectively meet, Fiona.

22 06 2010
SD

No comeback Fi? Do we now write the 21 st century version of Taming of the Shrew?!

22 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. A measure I’ve consistently met with such obvious ease that no one’s bothered TO mete it.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
James (not the Hunter) is a bit of a closet anti intellectual.
Probable cause I suspect for labling him as one with out the venera of sofistification necessary to be allowed entry to either society or to universities of the higher order

22 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. I suppose I must begrudgingly admit he’s done about as well as his straitened circumstances have allowed.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Fiona,
Agreed, The other thing si that with all the chat he has had with Viv, maybe it is not just his circumstances that have been “straightned
?

22 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. Well, I’ve certainly straightened him out that I’m his intellectual superior.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Malcom Fraser ?

21 06 2010
Simon of South Yarra

I don’t know why TBL writes such long stories – all that is required is 2 or 3 words and we punters head off in truly magnificent streams of consciousness.

The Underkelly series already looks a winner (costumes by Christian Audigier), the script is well on the way to being complete

21 06 2010
SD

I am all agog to watch UnderKelly – Q is will it be a boy or girl?!

21 06 2010
vivisection

or an hermaphrodite , da dun da !!!

21 06 2010
SD

maybe even —- a sheep?!

21 06 2010
miss dahl

Please, no more dark animal references!

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Like a snail ?

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I’d love to see the armour plating with all those tatt patterns etched upon them—every bogue and his pigdog will want one!

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

There is actually a blacksmith in Glenrowan who actually makes replicas of Ned Kelly’s armour (at least there was when I was there about 4 years ago) He makes them in a variety of sizes, from full size down to about 1 ft tall. I reckon they’d appeal to the bogue who’d want ‘sumfink noice and classy and it means sumfink and that’ to put in their pool room.

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

anyhow, he probably would do an armour with tatts if you asked him…

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

And don’t forget…it must be IN 3D!!!!!

21 06 2010
citizen74

I was recently introduced to this site and am much relieved to discover that I am only one of many who lament, and poke fun at, the fact that Australia is a nation bursting at the seams with bogans so I thought I would post my first bogan related story.

I know a bloke who is a proud member of that mainstay of institutionalised boganry and thuggery which is the QLD Police Service. He once recounted to me a story of the World Police Olympics in which he competed as a member of the QPS Rugby team. In recounting his story he described to me the jersey he and his fellow wallopers had designed and donned for the event. Proudly emblazoned on various parts of said jersey, I was told, was a picture of Ned Kelly brandishing two “six guns”.

To me this seemed rather incongruous given Ned is known, amongst other things, to have murdered at least three members of the constabulary. When I pointed this out to Policeman Plod he seemed perplexed, silence ensued as he struggled to alight upon an explanation for the [now] evident illogicality of the team motto come mascot. Being unable to do so he put the matter out of his mind and instead regaled me with an account of tagging some poor Japanese Policeman, who was unfortunate enough to have been caught on the wrong side of the ruck, half to death.

21 06 2010
T-ra

Citizen 74…that story sounds awfully familiar to me! I am a QLD’er and briefly dated someone on the QPS Rugby Team (yes I have my bogan moments). In any event (and while I am not one of the regular, regular posters and not in any way qualified to say this)…welcome to TBL!

22 06 2010
citizen74

Thanks T-ra. As long as it was only a brief liason with the copper you should be ok however, prolonged exposure to bogans can have deleterious effects. In saying that, I think we all have our bogan moments. I am the first to admit that I sail pretty close to the bogan wind at times but I think it is this awareness that separates us from the bogan.

21 06 2010
urbanreverie

Welcome, Citizen. I hope that you come to enjoy the camaraderie here (as I’ve started to). Believe me, you are not the only one who thought they were utterly alone in a sea of moronic mouth-breathing ACA-watching McMansion-building buffoons. This place truly is an oasis.

Your copper story was funny, but I don’t expect anything less from the QPS. They’re not exactly known for hiring PhDs. I’m surprised he didn’t give you Palm Island-style spontaneous liver surgery for pointing out the team’s idiocy in choosing a Kelly mascot.

22 06 2010
citizen74

Thank you for your welcome urbanreverie. I actually thought there may have been something wrong with me before I was introduced to TBL.

I would ask myself, why do I not laugh at 2 and a half men, why do I loath Delta Goodrem with every fibre of my being and why do I want to raze to the ground every McMansion I see?

I would tell myself that maybe were I to slip on a pair of white faux crocodile skin shoes before going out and getting inked with a southern cross tribal motif and glassing some c#nt it may change my perspective on things and help me to understand.

Thankfully the newly acquired knowledge that there are many like minded non-bogans in existence (or is that existance?) has saved me from giving up the fight and descending into the morass of boganity like a mammoth into a tar pit.

21 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

Mt Larcom.
Ned would have totally gone to work in the mines.
Ned would go to the mines so he could buy his HSV Harley Horse.
and Ned would have gone to the mines in his cast iron suit and totally showed bastard Rudd and the gubmint what they could have done with their great big new tax on our Super!

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Ned built the mines Chubbly. :D

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Pinkster,
Your right on the money. Thats pretty smart for a woman .
Ducks, runs for cover, Hoists white flag. !!
Just kidding,
It is always a pleasure to read the Pinksters words.
Pinky, Simon,Chubby, Fiona ,Viv, Bot, James, and others .Its pretty much good is it not.
Just think we could “amuse” ourselves with daytime tv ?

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ JHster
I love this blog. Too much sometimes…LOL

21 06 2010
Nelson Esq

Looks like old Ned has been a victim of bogan arbitrary thieving himself…

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/help-sought-to-identify-ned-kellys-head/story-e6frf7jo-1225881890059

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

well, sometimes one has to reap what they’ve sown…

21 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

…and coming up, the rockhampton bull statue count.
but first, this….

21 06 2010
Pandabater

It amuses me how the Bogans hero worship of Ned ties in nicely with his “Convict Heritage”

21 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

rocky bull statue count = four.
only on the southside though.
chubbybloodfart gin and tonic count = two.
chevrodore utes = four
southern cross decals = three for the day so far.
chubby at the wheel now.
shooting for airlie.
wish me luck

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chub, there are 27 bulls in total!

21 06 2010
Tombarina

Or, during Brahman Week in October, about 2000.

Give my regards to the Great Western.

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Any Conformadores with both the Chevy bowtie and the Aussie Swassi?

That pairing (I have seen but two around Perth) would be wonderfully contradictory; however, I did see last Sunday a Holden-badged Daewoo (a Viva) with both the Southern Cross and HSV stickers.

21 06 2010
natlee

Oh Chubby, from my parents’ kitchen window in good ol’ Rocky, I can see two bull statues, so I think you may be coming up short with your numbers. I can think of at least six on the south side, but I’m sure time and distance has erased a few from my memory.

There was a story (could be urban myth, but knowing Rocky, probably not) when I was a child that the council had a room filled with replacement cement bull’s testicles, as smashing the balls off the bulls was a very popular pastime. Nothing much else for the Rocky bogues (i.e. the entire population) to do after a binge at the races or the B and S.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Natlee,

That is very true. All the balls are now held up by a steel rod so it is harder to steal them.

*jesus JH will have fun with this*

21 06 2010
natlee

Thanks for confirming that Simon. I’m never sure which of the ridiculous/twisted stories I have in my head about my hometown are true. Probably all of them as it’s quite a strange place.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
It is enough to bring a tear to the eye.

21 06 2010
Pandabater

JH, would a steel rod increase your lifting capacity?

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Panda beater,
Since as I have tried to explain previously,
I lift the slab of beer with four 8mm X 24mm Id rings in my scrotum so a steel rod would not help.
Mind you I can think of occasions when a steel rod would come in useful

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

dude, (JH)

I’m a chick and I’m cringing.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Pinkster,
You can name your own Groupie Territory complete with booking rights and permanent front row seats

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ JHster

Erm…Well… Cool :?

(tee hee)

21 06 2010
urbanreverie

“Kelly was hanged in November 1880, although approximately 30,000 of the bogan’s ancestors signed a petition to spare his life.”

Thanks TBL, for acknowledgement that the bogan was not the result of spontaneous generation in the back seat of a Holden Monaro in a bottle shop car park in Shalvey, NSW some time in 1981.

Indeed, the roots of the boganic species are so much deeper than that. Their presence in Australia dates back to the First Fleet. You only have to read Captain Watkin Tench’s journals of the infant settlements around Sydney for confirmation of this.

Hmmm, is there any possibility that we could resurrect Manning Clark and commission him to write a history of Australia’s bogan community? It can come in several versions: “An Abridged Shorter Bogan History of Australia” (1200 pages), “A Shorter Bogan History of Australia” (about the size of the Melbourne White Pages), “An Extended Bogan History of Australia” (four volumes) and “An Extended Bogan History of Australia – Annotated Edition” (you’ll need one of those lawyer’s trolleys to cart it around).

Needless to say, TBL can be sub-contracted to write the voluminous chapters on Ned Kelly after today’s effort. Fiona with her M.St in the Classics can help Prof Clark with some other volume – far be it from me to suggest what our Bestower Of Largesse may think fit to contribute though!

21 06 2010
Tombarina

Urb, we are going for the full bogan-approved revisionary version, aren’t we?

Then perhaps Keith Windschuttle is more the go.

21 06 2010
urbanreverie

Of course, Tomba. How could I forget Windschuttle! But that’s if you’re doing a history FOR bogans. A history OF bogans, on the other hand, doesn’t necessarily have to be a bogan-friendly revisionist eulogy. :)

Or we could just get Viv to sell Underkelly to Channel 9 or something. That would be more entertaining.

21 06 2010
SD

I think that ‘Bestower Of Largesse’ indicates that she is financing the TBL book :-)

21 06 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse.

LOL. In that sense, I have merely been the muse.

21 06 2010
Sten

Y’know, we could actually make a pile of cash in doing this… write the textbook (or even do it in comic fashion, a la Howard Zinn’s work), start making noises on the curriculum website, and watch as the Bogan edu-bucks roll in.

Sure, we’ll be condemning Australian society for more of the same, but if we don’t do it, the trashmedia kraken will.

21 06 2010
Sten

EDIT: more OF the same.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I agree with you Sten. We could make a killing and put the money towards getting Vivi as our Benevolent Dictator.

21 06 2010
Sten

That’d work for me, Pinky. Though I’d also like to plough some money into founding the Bogue-free zone.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Ah yes, the commune. I think we should maybe invest some of the profits, so that the commune can start off on the right foot.

Have we firmed up location yet?

22 06 2010
Sten

Dunno… perhaps some of our esteemed fellow posters have some ideas?

22 06 2010
vivisection

We have been too busy coming up with an extensive list of places not to have it. This is an important part of the process. It seems most of SE Qld is out and WA is looking shaky – though that’s just using bogueistics and boguenomics.

21 06 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Final Rockhampton statue count =
eight bulls
and three fibreglass horses.
We may have missed some however, as we were distracted talking about how wonderful you all are. :D

21 06 2010
michael

Thanks TBL for 150 highly amusing posts.

In addition to the eureka flag, I’ve seen the American confederate flag proudly emblazoned by bogans on their skin, their t-shirts and probably the best (most sickening) example, I’ve even seen it painted over the whole bonnet of a holden ute!
Maybe the love of the confederate ‘rebels’ and their flag is more a biker thing but I think there is biker/bogan crossover on this. Presumably bogans like the confederates because they too despised ‘colored folk’.

Or maybe the flag is just a symbol, like the chevy badge, that bogans have copied from their american cousins, the rednecks, without looking into it too much.
Actually, maybe bogans just like the confederate flag because it’s a big, dirty X with WHITE stars in it.

Is there a UTES post in the making?

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Michael

Please, tell me this isn’t true?!!

21 06 2010
Sten

I’m sorry, Pinky, but I have to back Michael up on this. Even in my neck of the woods, there are fuckwits like that.

It must be because the southern cross isn’t overtly white-power enough for these uber-bogues.

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Sten

That’s it. We HAVE to get the commune up and running. I don’t know how much more of this I can take… :S

22 06 2010
Sten

Absolutely. Preferably somewhere on the coast, making it easier to secceed is needs be.

22 06 2010
Pandabater

P!nky, I have been giving his some thought & everytime I think of somewhere I realise that the bogan is an all invasive virus who will attempt to fck up any place it can get into. I thought maybe out at sea (Jetskis), in the bush (Trailbikes) & even a place like The Sydney Opera House (Andre Rieur), no, they are everywhere.
And then it came to me, the only place where a group of people can go & nobody is allowed in is “The Big Brother House”. I know it is a radical idea but it is the only place I can think of.

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Panda

As long as there is no camera’s and we can each have a room. Privacy and all that. Share-house more than live in and internet access :D

21 06 2010
SD

The speed of comments seems to have ratcheted up today – 200+ and not out!

21 06 2010
Pandabater

SD, Thursday was a long time ago.

But I have noticed a pattern in the comments, From 10.00am (morning tea) till just before 12.00 midday (lunch) there is a rush & then from around 4.00 pm (afternoon tea) till just before 6.00pm (hometime) there is another rush.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Panda beater,
What you are seeing is irrefutable evidence that most people on the site are either using the bosses time, or like myself, retired or like Fiona, a Lady of Leisure, whats your excuse ?

21 06 2010
Pandabater

Start early, finish early, rest of the day is mine.

21 06 2010
Sten

Unemployed in my case! Additionally, it being World Cup time, I’m seldom out of bed before midday.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

I’m so envious of you Sten. While I am not employed, I do run around after my brood and beloved Mr Pinky. Not so much Mr Pinky but definitely the Miss and Masters Pinky. <– Is that right?

Sleeping till noon, haven't done that since 1999. Bah!

21 06 2010
Sten

Yeah, I’d say that would be correct, Pinky. Miss and Master would be valid.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Two boys. Masters?

21 06 2010
James Hunter

Peter,
Why would you know ?

21 06 2010
Pandabater

Ah, if there any Managers, Supervisors, any sort of boss here you should ignore the above post. Sorry about that, I was only joking, everybody is 100% productive, honestly, all day, nobody uses their computer for private matters, ever.
Phew, I covered that up just in time.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Panda

You crack me up! hehe The Managers et al; will never know.

22 06 2010
vivisection

Too late Pandabater, I’m keeping a close eye on my staff now!

22 06 2010
Pandabater

I assume that you will include yourself in your surveillance.

Just keep an eye out for the coffee geysers.

21 06 2010
SD

Oh yes there was no Friday post.

Hadn’t noticed the pattern but it makes perfect sense :-)

21 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I’m a student who works part-time: I am on holidays now, so I now have a little more time on my hands. Which means more comments, and with extra time, probably more elucidations in my rambling manner.

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

We love your rambling manner turnips!!

22 06 2010
SD

seconded p!nky

23 06 2010
Tombarina

Thirded. Although it’s not actually a word…

Turnips, I look forward to your byline.

21 06 2010
Happy

its so sad that all the remotely witty posters that were here in TBL’s golden era, have gone…all thats left are boring barely entertaining arts students with most likely no attractive physical looks

21 06 2010
Shirley M

Oh yeah. I’m always hoping that the comments I read are by extremely good looking people. It makes all the difference. That’s why I like it here. These guys are all totally dreamy.

21 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And you ladies are total spunks!

21 06 2010
Shirley M

I know! When I said guys, I did mean the ladies as well.

22 06 2010
Antosha

* blush *

21 06 2010
SD

Tut tut Happy is Sad.

The icon has an Oakley.

So the poster is mega maxxxtreme good looking, we get it.

21 06 2010
James Hunter

I have hardly been here all day,but, just skimming thriugh there does not appear to be any thing from our Pet Baby, Pete the songster.??

22 06 2010
Antosha

Indeed Mr Hunter, I too have been keeping an eye out for Peter.

Mayhaps he is busy in his dealings with the other vegetables – the edible kind. He does have quite the soft spot for cabbage I am lead to believe…

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Antosha,
Be warned :
Pete’s cabbage may have its very own “soft spot”

22 06 2010
Antosha

I don’t want to know about Peter’s latest efforts in ‘rooting out the good cabbages from the bad’

21 06 2010
Blueballs

Isn’t funny, Bogans go nuts for a cop shootin’ piece of shit like Ned Kelly but ignore the tale Jimmy Governor because he was ‘Abo’…

21 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

this has nothing to do with ned kelly.
grilling lamb chops at Carmilla beach.
didn’t make it to airlie. Tomorrow. Anyway, you’d think grilling chops on a tropical beach would be just the thing wouldn’t you? How was work Peter? And thanks for the song. Tombarina was right I’m chuffed.
where was I?
right. carmilla. Yes. Beautiful spot. Bit windy. Problem is there’s no telly, and monday’s my favrit night.
so.
does anyone know how I get my phone to load the “full” TBL site and not just the mobile version?
also,
does anyone know where I put my lighter?

21 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

@Turnips
you, Sir, are an erudite cat and a wordsmith to boot.
a joy to meet one of Gough’s children; we of that generation who were promised so much and delivered so little.
I do so enjoy your input these past weeks.
forgive me all if I don’t reply directly. I’m road tripping and too tinny to cough up for mobile internet, so we are relying on an tiny qwerty keyboard and a hastily accepted optus plan with about a year to run. the mobile version of wordpress has no reply button and I can’t load the full version in the phone browser for some stupid reason.
I miss playing.

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

@ Chubby

Thanks for your reply: I’m avidly following you and Edna’s travelogues along the East Coast, riveting stuff indeed, especially as I’ve never gone further north than Sydney on that seaboard.

As much as these places you both have toured through have their tacky and tawdry elements, offering their fair cut of boganic sanctuary, I too would like to see them in all their mediocre glory. Even if they are places that would otherwise offend most of the collective sensibilities amongst most of us here.

I know what it’s like trying to use one’s smartphone to both read and contribute to forum discussions. Very frustrating indeed. If I’m on the go and can use my laptop, I tether it to my phone, using the latter as my modem. I have a good plan with Vodafone, where I have 1 GB data allocation per month, more than sufficient for my needs. Customer service better than Telstra or Optus, in my experience.

Despite being hobbled by your 3G and the physical limitations of mobile phones, you and Edna’s wonderfully wicked witticisms still come through as sharp as ever, in addition to the running commentary of your travels.

I, and I’m confident may others here, look forward to your dispatches, sporadic and fickle as your reception may be. Meanwhile, I’m typing away distractedly whilst viewing an entertaining episode of Q&A on Aunty (Mondays and Wednesdays on ABC1 are my regular viewing nights).

21 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

sooo…

wind’s dropped.
nice.
sort of like Fiji.
in the dark.
y’know. We’re inside the reef…
so.
noticably warmer. Hmm.
tropical ish.
I hate queensland. but I like north queensland. Beautiful. Lush. Once you get past the capricornia anyway.
well, past townsville really.
yeah.

what was on four corners?

21 06 2010
Sten

I know it’s late, but thanks TBL for 150 hilarious, yet sad-but-true posts. Keep ‘em coming!

And to Viv, Nelson, Simon and the others, thanks for a barrel of laughs with the Underkelly idea.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Those guys rock don’t they sten :D

I feel that they should have an FB page. Hmm ;)

21 06 2010
Sten

Nah, they shouldn’t, Pinky… they’d get flooded with Bogans morons thinking they’re going to see a great documentary.

Besides, I wouldn’t touch Facebook with a barge pole.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Your right Sten

It was a flippant post. I have a love/hate relationship with FB. A lot of my friends think it’s sh!t on a stick and most of them are OS. It shits me but what can ya do? I know kill my FB page. ;)

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

@P!nky (as well with others with a love/hate relationship with FB)

If Faceache gets too much and you reach the point of no return, there’s always Seppukoo, a form of committing online “suicide”, where you kill off your online presence.

I’m sorely tempted to do this…if people I know on FB really want to get in touch with me, they should probably know my phone number (it’s in the White Pages), or otherwise ask someone who has it.

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Turnip

I totally agree with you, but some of these kids are off in far off lands where Bogans fear to tread. I like posting stupid shit in my status. Love/Hate relationship as I said, sometimes I’m lovin’ it and sometimes I’m bitching about it. :D
So forgive me..? ;)

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Four Corners

8.30pm – 9.20pm ABC1
Monday 21 June 2010
Debbie Whitmont reports on the bitter dispute now raging in Western Australia over the placement of a massive gas processing plant on a pristine stretch of coastline.

Miss you and Edna!! Peter’s getting out of control and annoying. I think he has split personality, but my diagnosis is unconfirmed as I don’t really give a shit.

MWAH

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

above post is @ Chubby

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

Also Media Watch were aiming their crosshairs at the pernicious infiltration of product placement in Master Bait, whereby the product partners use footage lifted from the show (some even just broadcast within the p[r]ograom minutes, even seconds before) incorporated into their ads. Ugh. No wonder why I am actively hostile to this drivel that takes up valuable frequency spectrum. Ten would be more appreciable and attract more discerning viewers if they instead aired the test pattern.

21 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Everyone* & TBL

Thanks for a ripper 150th post guys!!

Just had possibly the shitest afternoon on record and I really needed a giggle and you guys paid out as always.

Where else can you come and find the cures to all the boganic problems.

My friend and I have coined a new mental illness/psychosis. We have called it Bo-Polar.

Symptoms include
~Drinking imported locally made beer
~Purchasing Ed Hardy Apparel
~Popping ones collar
~Driving a HSV Holden
~Being Homophobic
~Being Ignorant

This is just a sample symtomology. Treatment is still in it’s early stages. Medications: TBA

Again, thanks for cheering me up.

Much love
Pinky

*Peter, Dot/Period./any other bogan on here

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Pinky,
Excellent, looks like we will need some sort of run of between you and Shirl.
BUT
maybe the name of the new mental illness could be something like
Pe Polar, or if not too evocative. Pee Polar ! ?

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

peter
if only you used your talents for niceness instead of inanity. kudos.
now, leave the drugs for people who can appreciate them.

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

That’s what sorts the alter-mind explorer from the bogan on a bender: the former will seek it as another road to a different consciousness, whereas the latter just wants to get munted for no real reason, other than unconsciousness.

22 06 2010
vivisection

He tried applying his talents to niceness and it lead to a blog promoting Austrian Cabbage as a side dish to mackeral…. I think if he should just take his hand off it.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Viv
MaybePetes cabbages went off and Pete is actually a Sour kraut (appologies to any of German heritage

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
good call. That way there would be way enough drugs for everyone !

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

For people to use, rather than abuse.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

Can I have some?

22 06 2010
common man

thanks chubby

22 06 2010
Brimstone

Ned Kelly was steampunk as hell. He’s like a 19th century Iron Man villian

22 06 2010
miss dahl

Since “Underkelly” has now been officially cast, it’ll require financing. Might I suggest you look no further than that newest cashed-up bogan in the boganoid universe – Mark McInnes.

22 06 2010
Tombarina

Oh, crackingly good call.

And since he’s already decamped to the balmy climes of the Mediterranean, it shouldn’t be much of a hassle for him to set up a complex Skase-style tax-free haveny thingie so that the entire Underkelly production is 100pc deductible.

Naturally, he’d be a very hands-on financer. Particularly re the casting of the saucy harlots.

22 06 2010
SD

And his partner is a Kelly.

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

And the Kelly Gang take a holiday to Ibiza, bopping arrhythmically along to the beats of the latest Ministry of Sound compilation, while blowing the froth off of Carlsbergs and jerking in a St. Vitus dance fashion under the influence of cheap ‘n’ nasty disco bickies, those with the 3AW logo, aka Angry Dwarfs, buying them as they can recognise the station they have a special affinity for (John Safran Music Jamboree in-joke, the 3AW-branded pills).

22 06 2010
pb

and all the kelly gang spawn resulting from this trip are given ‘exotic’ names like ibiza, majorca (pronounced major-car) and st tropez (pronounced tropes).

22 06 2010
Tombarina

Let’s not forget the accompanying musical stylings of Mr D. Guetta. Let’s be consistent.

22 06 2010
pb

except when they break into a rousing chorus of sex on fire.

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

And in the process of inadvertent procreation after their night on the tiles, alternating between downing Jameson’s shooters and bustin’ spasmodically incoherent moves, the likely lads all did indeed cop a dose of the good ol’ sex on fire when they spitroasted the Irish backpacker wenches whom they met only a few hours earlier.

(Away from the postmodern take of the Kelly Gang’s exploits, I wonder if David Guetta would do a remix or mashup of “Sex On Fire”? If he does, then it’d be a harbinger of Beelzebub being unleashed).

23 06 2010
Tombarina

I wonder if David Guetta would do a remix or mashup of “Sex On Fire”? If he does, then it’d be a harbinger of Beelzebub being unleashed).

Turnips, you’ve just heralded Armageddon. Good one.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

we should get a kelly exhibit up here at SteamFest along with #3809

22 06 2010
Brimstone

seriously, i once made an improvised suit of armor for a costume party… don’t really understand/agree with Ned Kelly’s crimes or why Aussies love him but he should be a minor geek icon for that armor

22 06 2010
SD

Agreed, the armour is awesome.

22 06 2010
Tombarina

Shouldn’t that be “coolsie authority”?
Your word, not mine, Petey.

And congratulations on unearthing little-known underground outfit Oasis and bringing them to TBL’s collective attention. I look forward to the further fruits of your voyage of musical discovery. Perhaps you’ll talent-spot some Irish lads named after a submarine. Or stumble across a fresh new sound emanating from the Seattle region. And maybe a rhythm- and bass-heavy spoken-rather-than-sung trend, which could conceivably originate from the US ghetto culture and become a world-wide phenomena.

But I wouldn’t know – I need you to show me the way Petey. It’s the only way I’ll learn.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Peter knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Peter uses sand as lubricant.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Peter once saw Chuck Norris naked and lived to tell the tale.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Peter has been known to both spit and swallow simulaneously.

22 06 2010
Tombarina

Simon, are you paraphrasing from “500 True Facts About Chuck Norris: The Collector’s Edition”?

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No, just making it up as I go along. Got the idea on another blog. I need to see that though.

Peter once rode SJP through Death Valley.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Peter uses live echindnas as a shower aid.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Just checked it out Tomba, I feel like a plagarist but we all know there are no new ideas.

Ah well on with the fun.

Peter once stopped the earth rotating with the power of his mind.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
The above braces of comments deserve a 9,9,10,8,9.
only problem will be objections fron Shirl’s manager.
guess you can live with that ?

23 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I can James. I gave Shirl a 12 for her song though. The judges were a bit mean I thought.

23 06 2010
James Hunter

I suspect the USA judge allowed national fevor to weigh in ?

23 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Oh dear, meds not working Peta? You seem to be mixing people up or substituting one identity for another. Go have a lie down son.

Peter once tried to outwit a turnip, and failed.

23 06 2010
James Hunter

Simon,
Yep ol Pete’s in a bad way. Much more and we will all need to give him one minutes silence.

23 06 2010
Tombarina

Petey, you said you had a super-busy few days and couldn’t share more of your quiveringly interesting insights with us, but here you are! What an excellent little sharing-sausage you are.

Re Queensland – yep, I’m a pretty happy little camper. Just as I would be if I lived in NSW, or the NT, or Botswana, for that matter. It’s all about having a sense of humour and a bit of perspective, you know? Oh, sorry – that was insensitive. Bad Tomba.

I’m going to have a long hard look at myself. No, really.

BTW, thanks for nothing re Thirsty Merc. I’d no idea they existed until you mentioned it – now I’ve Googled, I’ve Youtubed, and frankly, I’m not happy. Although I do look forward to checking out the other outfits you’ve mentioned – nope, I’m not familiar with them.

You’re just so gosh-darned coolsie, Petey. Teach me, Grasshopper. I implore you.
xxxxx

22 06 2010
miss dahl

Yes, and if I was her, I’d be demanding a few more Kelly’s from him (the start of reparations for his indiscretions); and I do mean handbags!

22 06 2010
Shirley M

Dearest Petey,

I have taken the liberty of recording your touching tribute to James Hunter. I thought it was important that everyone hear just how fabulous it really is. So, I hope you like it. You too, James Hunter. In fact, I hope you all like it.

P.S. I love you, Petey. xxx

http://www.twitvid.com/SBK3S

22 06 2010
pb

shirley, i think you’ve just proven yourself qualified to be the official composer of the bogue-free dictatorship.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

I’d like that job.

22 06 2010
vivisection

Good work Shirley – perhaps we can have a Christmas album if Peter can manage a few more tunes.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

Aww that would be sweet, wouldn’t it?

Get to work, Petey!

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
Guaranteed to be a hit, asside from all us TBL ers Pete will buy thousands as give aways for his fan club

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Viv, with the amount of horn blowing that Pete does the band will no need any more brass oh !!

22 06 2010
Shirley M

Dear Petey,

You have inspired me to pen a little ditty for you. Even though it only took about 2 minutes from conception to birth, It’s pretty awesome.

Mwah!

http://www.twitvid.com/7PSVO

22 06 2010
vivisection

I can’t sing at all , but I think Jayne County best sums up my feelings to Peter

If the link doesn’t open, try right clicking on it and it should have a direct link to you tube. if that doesn’t work, dont worry about it.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

It worked. I do hope you wouldn’t actually want to f*ck Petey, though Viv.

22 06 2010
vivisection

Of course not, but he’s made his feelings about me quite clear.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

I know. I’m just taking the piss.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
Be afraid, be very afraid, Pete may enjoy your taking his piss !!!!

22 06 2010
Shirley M

I’m sure he would. But I was taking Viv’s piss, so I’m feeling pretty safe.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Shirly,
Why any one want to stick their donger into cold pickled cabbage ?

22 06 2010
Pandabater

*Claps Wildly*

I rate both of em Fckn Awesome.

22 06 2010
Tombarina

MWAH, MWAH, MWAH!
Not a dry seat in the house at our place – love your work, Shirl!

22 06 2010
Shirley M

*appreciative curtsey*

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
That is awsome
7,9,9,8,9
straight to the grand finals.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

No tens?

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m guessing it’s Beatle-esque, so probably not.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

It’s not at all, actually.

I want a f*cking 10.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

10!

I will have to listen at home Shirl but the score will stand.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

A pre-emptive 10. Nice.

Perhaps once you’ve listened you can upgrade to 11.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I will play it at 11. I bought Nigel Tufnells amp a few years ago. So lets see how the sucker sounds loud.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

I don’t like to toot my own horn, but it’s totally 11 worthy.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shirl,

You should not match toot and horn in the same sentence, you just know JH will be all over it with a

Shirl, you mean you want a horn to toot!

22 06 2010
Shirley M

hahahaha!

I give that impersonation an 11.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Shirl,
Your straight to the Grand Finals ! And you want a TEN ?

22 06 2010
Shirley M

Yes please.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Shirl, after playing it at 11 it is worth a 12!

Hows that!

22 06 2010
Shirley M

12! *chuffed*

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Welcome.

I tried to put a comment there for you but it wanted a password or somesuch so no dice sorry.

22 06 2010
Shirley M

Yeah, you need to be a twitterer to comment.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And we all know I’m no twit.
*Boom Tish*

Must cook dinner now.

22 06 2010
SD

Completely unconnected but anyone who loves font rants should read this:

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/monologues/15comicsans.html

Plus maybe to complent Shirl’s good work we can bring out a slim lilac booklet with Pete’s lyrics in comic sans (albeit it will be sans anything comic).

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

I’d like to see it translated into Wingdings.

Would make just as much sense as the English version.

22 06 2010
Sten

HA!

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Turnips
*Superb* **Doff beanie**

22 06 2010
Bag O'Turnips

@SD

Quite appreciated the link to that rant, heheh :P

I’d rather be a design fascist than a style-deaf bogan any given day.

22 06 2010
SD

My pleasure!

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

nothing screams amateur like comic sans.
hate it.
the chick who collects the money for the christmas social uses comic sans. you know? piggy little eyes, insipid blonde hair, fetish for pink?
that chick.
gimme a nice bookman old style. Ned Kelly would use bookman.

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

in travel news, it’s a perfect day for sailing at Airlie Beach. Not that we are. sailing, that is. no, we are lying in a shady tent watching Frisky Dingo.
ned kelly would have watched frisky dingo.
weather wise; chubbybloodfart wears shorts by quicksilver and Nothing. nice.
I saw a town south of mackay called Salonika Beach which was odd. I thought salonika was a polish death camp in the forties. I guess if you have to be in a death camp it would be nice if it was at the beach.
North of mackay was a town called Bucasia, which sounds like a gastrointestinal ailment. have you ever tried to write ‘gastrointestinal ailment’ on a tiny keyboard? I have. twice now.
also we met a nice young backpacker who was born in poland, moved to germany and now lives in Ireland. he had the best accent.

ned kelly.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
Noice little town up that way is “Yamba” Not the one down in NSW but village just north of Rocky.
when I was there years ago it burned itself into my brain because it had form memory, a servo, a general store a butcher, a baker,(no candeltick maker ! ) but I think something like a Chemist shop.
The outstanding thing was that EVERY shop inb town Fitted Windscreens !!
Those dayw , like the road to Roma the highway was known as the “Crystal Highway” because of the continuous piles of broken toughned glass windscreens.
later in life I added to the Qld piles of broken glass comming from Emerald to Biloela even though I had a mesh windscreen guard fitted. !

The roads were all barely one car wide and gravel on each side.

every time one passed a vehicle in either direction the hand would be up to protect the eyes incase of a popped windscreen.

Grrrrrrrrr.

22 06 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Chubs,

How about a score on the Bogan o meter for Mackay?

22 06 2010
Antosha

Can anyone afford to live in Mackay these days? After the bogan inspired McMansion boom..

22 06 2010
vivisection

Chubby and Edna, If you are in Mackay area, head straight to Cape Hillsborough – stunning – i used to live in Mackay many moons ago. Cape Hillsborough has everything you could ask for – mountains that slope down on to the beach, wee caves, even a wee island, kangaroos and bush turkeys roaming freely – camping ground right on the beachfront and /or little units things one can sleep in. If you get a chance, best little secret in the immediate Mackay region.

22 06 2010
Laura

Awwww…Ned was just a big ol’ bogan from Glenrowan yonder? Shattered…

22 06 2010
Laura

Pleeease keep writing, TBL. I need you! I’m stuck in the northern Bogan Belt of Melbourne, and it’s times like these – 4 pm after a day BESET by bogue antics – that you lot keep me from going mental.

22 06 2010
SD

many a person here voices the same sentiments Laura so you are in good company.

22 06 2010
Laura

Cheers, SD :)

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ Laura

*Hugs*

You are safe now
;)

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

@james
we shot thru yaamba. I know the place because you can camp at the pub.
I remember the crystal highway days. I’ve been running up and down the bruce hwy pretty reg’lar since about 1986. had some wild times with roos,trucks, hitchhikers, pub crawled Tsv – Bne once or twice, got in a fight in Rocky, been busted… jesus. I suddenly feel old. I can remember when the pacific hwy was a goat track death trap too.
@simon.
strangely mackay doesn’t rate on my boganometer. not sure why. it’s the same as all the rest essentially (gympie bundy marybro rocky townsville – same sh!t different bucket. maybe mackay is a good association for me ‘cos you’ve been driving thru shitty capricornia for so long and it gets prettier @ mackay?
if you think sugar cane is pretty…

ned kelly would have loved mackay. he would have ridden his harley horse there on weekends off from the mines, drank massive tankardsand glassed pooftas in those high celluloid collar and bowler hat get ups.

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

@viv (you big spunk you)
nice tip.
we’ll catch it on the way back!

ok gotta hear this shirley track…

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

gypped!
phone won’t play it.
s’okay.
I’ll do the phone as modem trick later (thanks Turnips. D’oh I am a luddite)
Edna is watching top chef just now.
Ned Kelly would totally dig on Top Chef.
Bogans don’t though, it has no big dude in a cravat and is five years old.

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

…also
didn’t we agree that the Bogue Free State would be at our place and I was going to be Supreme God Emperor…

oohhh…
viv viv viv viv viv viv viv…
everybody loves viv.

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
We need to get this settled.
I was Just getting my extensive armoury ready for a job as Bogan Exterminator under Simon. Dont want to loose it.!
Also so many on the site will be confused. Pete will become even more of a basket case, maybe even a full shopping trolley full, as he trys to reconcile his emotions with the changing reality( in his case realities) of who to suck up to ?
Pinky will have her hands full ( opps)
I ment Pinky will be kept busy, up grading the new Psych or is it sych , wards.
oh its all too hard, opps too difficult I ment

22 06 2010
vivisection

Chubby these are the rules:

Now quit ya bitchin!

22 06 2010
Tombarina

Jayne’s quite cross, isn’t she.

I’m a little bit afeared.

PS: Kicking back in Sydney, looking out across the harbour from a very nice hotel room, sipping a delightful vino and looking forward to dinner. Life does NOT suck. Although I’m prepared to bet Chub and Edna aren’t doing it too tough, either…..

22 06 2010
vivisection

She’s been around a long time – did you know that Kiss’ first gig was as her support act, and The Police first toured the UK as her support. Bless her – she is my all time fav punk trannie. Don’t be afraid, embrace the inner Jayne!

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Embracing the “INNER ” Jayne may be goinh a bit far ?

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

all class Viv.
but…
my wife is watching…
and I swore not to work the blue in here…
I’m so confused.
*kneeling*

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

not having two computers is killing edna.

(she made me say that)

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

because I hog the phone.
apparently.
what’s that honey? You want to watch some more frisky dingo?

no

didn’t think so.

22 06 2010
Tombarina

I could actually slap you. That’s very, VERY annoying.

FFS, give Edna the phone. Go and clutch a remote, or something.

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

I love you Baby.
xXx

22 06 2010
James Hunter

OMG you bring a tear to my eye.
it is so touching
i am so touched
Hmm dont like where this is going.

22 06 2010
Tombarina

Oh looky – Logan & Ipswich are Qld’s hooning hotspots: http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/states-hooning-hotspots-revealed-20100622-yuen.html

A staggering revelation…..

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
Tell us something we didnt know !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bahahahahahahaahah
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
That reminds me
Where has the Pinkster been today ?
I hope Pete hasnt pinknapped her

22 06 2010
Antosha

It wouldn’t surprise me Mr Hunter… I de-blog myself for 6 hours in order to get some work done.. and upon my return I find that everyone has gone batty !!

ALAS !!!

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

@ JHster

HELLLOOOOO

I am so sorry for my absence but had a bit of a full day today.

Thought of you all often.

MWAH

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

edna loves tombarina.

(this will cost me a massage)

@james
umm…
yeah.
this is confusing.

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

@tomba
quelle horreur!

in other news, motorcyclists are cutting sick at samford and mount mee…

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

is the “rachael” coming back?
would ned kelly go for a chick with a rachael?
or are we just seeing some seriously out of date bogans?

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

@tomba
we love sydney, one of the world’s most beautiful.
I hope this is not some indecent proposal thing.
(Edna told me not to write that.)
either way have a mad night in the old town. (i reccomend the bently bar off oxford street, but that was sooooo long ago)

22 06 2010
James Hunter

Ruby Rabbit of Oxford is OK Iv done a gig there and as far as those type of places it wasnt bad.

22 06 2010
Tombarina

Lurve Sydney, too. Especially The Rocks.

Sadly, nothing indecent going on here – work trip.

Although I fear that my home in KRudd heartland may be descending into an indecent state, with the Beloved and Sole Offspring left to their own barely-housebroken devices. At last report, the ingrates had snubbed the rather good lamb tagine I’d left them, and were sprawled across the lounge room messily gnawing on large chunks of chargrilled grassfed beef with beer-battered fries, watching Tropic Thunder and farting.

22 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

@Tomba
I do so hope the farting is arranged along the lines of some sort of contest…
it just seems a pity to waste the opportunity,
since the rational conscience is away.
Edna says kudos on the lamb tagine. and thank the gods you didnt waste your time on a rosemary, fois gras vinaigrette for the side salad.

ned kelly probably wouldn’t have apprecizted a fois gras vinaigrette.
he would have loved a white truffle aoli but!

22 06 2010
P!nky Has A Bra!n

Off topic:

Was just having a look at yourtv.com.au and clicked on the discription of some Hollywood show.

Check out the genre. Don’t know how to make things bold on here. Read on in wonderment.

Special
True Hollywood Story
The Kardashians

10.35pm – 11.30pm 7HD
Tuesday 22 June 2010
Catch up with Paris Hilton’s new best friend, Kim Kardashian, who introduces her larger-than-life family and spills a series of juicy new secrets.

Genre: Education
Language: English
Rating: M [Adult Themes or medical procedures]
Other: Premiere
Duration: 55 mins
Links: Find more info on this program with Bing Search

22 06 2010
Andrew

Sorry guys, love your work but can’t agree with you on this one.
Blame my Catholic Irish upbringing, my filial links to Steven Hart, my being raised in the small hamlet of Balmattum in the middle of Kelly Country.
Just because the bogan has adopted him is not the fault of poor Ned.
Cop murderer? I think a fairly strong case can be argued against that, when one fully investigates the relationship between Lonergan and Kelly, and the events leading up to the encounter at Stringybark Creek.
Bank robber? No doubt money was taken. But mortgages and contracts that many of the local farmers could not even read but were still beholden to ended up getting ‘lost’ during Ned’s raid on Euroa and Jerilderie.
You’ve also overlooked the cummerbund he was awarded by Thomas Curnow for saving his son’s life from drowning.
If anything, please read Ned’s Jerilderie Letter. It provides the only personal insight into the man and, given it’s 8500 words in length, at least you know the bogan couldn’t be bothered doing so!

23 06 2010
julie

Correct me if I am wrong…but the fact that the bogan “has adopted him” gives this topic a rightful place on the list? Their (mis)understanding and lack of knowledge about Australian history and historiography means that they cling to particular ideas that they associate with Ned Kelly.

22 06 2010
Andrew

Sorry, my bad, the cummerbund was given to him by the Shelton family.

23 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

@p!nky
research html tags :P

it could be educational:
“how to avoid becoming a shallow excuse for a human being and life support system for a pair of t!ts”
file under Life Skills

23 06 2010
chubbybloodfart

Ned Kelly would never have stayed in a caravan park. he would have just hitched his HSV harley horse to a tree out in the bush somewhere and rolled out the sweet swag he jagged at ye olde BCF and vittles store and put the billy on.
if he had elected to pass a night at one of kelly country’s doubtless numerous ‘leisure villages’, I’m sure he would have been revolted to visit the amenities building at seven am to find it packed with bent grizzling old grey nomad men belching, farting, plopping and coughing a multi sensual miasma of biological funk and bellowing “g’day mate” at each other.
or maybe he would have been more revolted at listening to the white trash peroxide skank in the ‘permanent’ van next door hack her way through her first breakfast bong.
Ned Kelly would have dug the sunrise over the whitsundays, but.

23 06 2010
julie

Possibly the best article yet!

24 06 2010
Andrew

Granted, but to defame poor Ned without presenting both sides of the argument does an injustice that I had to take issue with. Sadly, it seems many respondents’ view of EK have been colored by the bogan’s adoption.

24 06 2010
hel

I laughed so loudly reading this post I was asked to “tone it down” in the office. How bloody unAustralian.

Brilliant, as always

22 11 2010
#195 – Impersonating someone who impersonated someone who impersonated Mark Read « Things Bogans Like

[...] of this analysis is that thanks to someone impersonating someone who impersonated Mark Read, Ned Kelly will be given the chop as the bogan’s criminal of [...]

22 11 2010
Victoria

The worst Bogans are the ones who call their sons after Ned Kelly and his brothers. I once knew a Bogan family who had three boys and their names were Ned, James & Dan. And sure enough their surname was Kelly. What a crock !

4 02 2013
Peter C

I found this page by random chaos and have to say it has been most entertaining and refreshing to see people caring and analysing our cultural past and its inevitable distortion and half truth adoptions. The Bogan ‘thing’… Ahh can report as of an hour ago in Adelaide’s Rundle Mall (you Melbournites and Sydnedians can stop sniggering)… Anyways, on my stroll I sighted a couple of Guevaras on pre 20’s hipsters and some post beardy 30’s hipsters who should know better… and of course the inevitable “such is life” on construction workers forearms and shoulders the size of ham hocks.

So, reading this page it got me to thinking a little more in depth than usual… Here is the rub… I am actually developing a business around the mythology of lets say our historical 19th century outlaws… Bear with me. Whilst white boarding my business plan it bought me back to me an issue of glorifying and profiteering from persons who committed criminal acts which at the time and now were heinous to say the least. Context… context… context… I think I need to go have a quiet Coopers ale, look over my $1.50 rubber thongs and gaze into he azure blue.

Damn you all… Kachink… ah that’s better… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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