#135 – The Logies

30 04 2010

The bogan is furious. Underbelly has been nominated for the “Most Outstanding Drama Series” Logie Award. This is wrong, as the bogan knows that the correct category for the show is the “Most Outstanding Factual Program” Logie. But, being the compassionate bivalve that it is, the bogan is willing to overlook this grave error and watch the awards ceremony anyway. Part of the reason why it still watches, is because of its love of the voting process. The Gold Bogie is determined by popular vote via soul-sapping trashmedia appendage TV Week. It is understood that 98% of the votes are cast by 13 year old girls, network publicists, and bogans. As a result, it is Australian television’s most revered prize.

Local television content laws notwithstanding, the Logie Awards are ample proof that the bogan is a creature that cherishes mediocrity and habit. Intimidated by the prospect of a variety of stars gracing its plasma screen, the bogan will cling needily to the same star for years at a time. Ray Martin won four successive Gold Bogies in the mid 90s for his bogan-friendly consumer outrage journalism, before Lisa McCune got the next four for keeping Mt Thomas free of ethnic minorities. Georgie Parker pinched the two after that, then Rove got the next three for pandering to P!nk. Since then, every Gold Logie has gone to an actor who had constantly been on Australian television for decades prior. As such, Alf from Home and Away is almost certain to take it out in 2010, despite the fact that almost all bogans are unaware of his real name.

The annual awards ceremony aspires to be similar to an American awards night, except shitter. In this pursuit of media-ocrity, the bogan has summoned Bert Newton to host the 2010 awards. This is primarily due to his proven ability to count backwards from 20, his proven inability to attach fox hide to his cranium, and his rare capacity to incorporate sexual innuendo that is both acceptable and thrilling to grandmothers. 2010 is the first time Bert has flown solo in the gig since 1993, demonstrating that network executives are plumbing new unimaginative depths to create an insipid bogan-pacifying lump of pabulum four hours long.

The bogan will watch the show, intent on learning which of its favourite shows and ‘personalities’ will win its cherished ‘Most Popular’ awards. It will smile in the satisfied manner of someone who did not submit a vote, so can approve of any selection when Anonymous Blonde takes out Most Popular New Talent for the twelfth year running. The bogan will be well prepared for the main event, having sat through a solid hour of jaw-droppingly stupefying ‘repartee’ between celebrities with unmoving eyebrows and Richard Wilkins, whose entire being is now 83.6% botulinum toxin. As his radioactive orange skin (made from the same polymer as Bert’s toupée) blends with the crimson of the carpet, bogans will comment to one another just how well he and Rebecca Gibney have aged.


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253 responses

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Compassionate bivalve! hahahaha

The rest was pretty good too. Thanks for the bonus post.

30 04 2010
Sam

http://today.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=261193

20 MORE YEARS!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

30 04 2010
Lurker

Sam, you’re giving me nightmares.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Rock star?

30 04 2010
pb

*gently rocking back and forth* happy place, happy place, happy place

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

The Great Orange One was a rock star??!! WTF peeps!!??

30 04 2010
CoffeeSnob

You’ve mis-spelt “Logies” as “Bogies” on several occasions. Can’t for the life of me how that could have happened.

ogans love Logies, Logies for Bogans, Bogan Logies, Boglogies, bogies.

30 04 2010
Goran

This event is actually worse than the ARIAs. And only moderately better than the Bloggies :)

30 04 2010
Shirley M

The quality of Australian music is far superior to the quality of Australian television. Though come to think of it, my bum is of far superior quality to Australian television.

30 04 2010
Gorey

Australian music is certainly of superior quality. Shame none of the truly glorious stuff ever gets noticed.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Describing Australian music as “far superior” to Australian television isn’t necessarily saying much about it.

Also, please be aware I’ve instructed Counsel to have Bernard Fanning’s last words re: Powderfinger’s “Sunsets Tour” contractually enforced.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Bravo! It’s nice to know you have a philanthropic side.

30 04 2010
Luscious Llama

There’s plenty of fantastic Australian music! It’s definitely far superior to Australian Television: Angus & Julia Stone, Katie Noonan, Tame Impala, Sarah Blasko, Clare Bowditch, Something for Kate, Karnivool, Sally Seltmann.. simply tune into Home & Hosed on Triple J

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Just LLLLLLLOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Oh dear.

30 04 2010
SD

Tame Impala – never heard them but they are in the latest Frankie. Maybe this is wrong, but I uncritically accept everything that tuns up in that mag.

Are there untame Impalas around though-just a thought…

30 04 2010
SD

duh *turns* up

1 05 2010
Persephone

Oh, for goodness sake tune to 3RRR.

30 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Please get your wig onto John Farnham for all our sakes.

30 04 2010
ohnobogan

FOF.

Damn, seeing that you weren’t the first to comment made me think you may have been hit by a bus when descending from your glass house in Toorak to momentarily associate with the rest of society, if only to demonstrate what an incessant pain in the arse you are.

Oh well, one can only hope you’ll find a new hobby, like hiking and getting lost in the Andes or something.

30 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I love it TBL.
Thanks for the extra post.
Whatever happened to Lisa McCune anyway? I saw her on an ad for Coles and then she went off to breed or something. Not that I even care.
I personally couldn’t give a f#ck about the Bogies anyway. Talk about face peeling mediocrity. The whole thing is so cheesy they should be serving crackers on the red carpet. I’m sure they can’t wait for the after party where they all get premixed and coked up and wallow in their irrelevance.

30 04 2010
Gorey

“Sea Patrol”. It’s like “Blue Heelers”, but on a boat. And worse.

30 04 2010
Nelson Esq

My wife loves that Sea Patrol shit, just because she gets a laugh every week as the Navy find another new and exciting way to completely stuff up…

Bogans love Sea Patrol because of Lisa McColes Girl and because they are hanging out to see the navy shoot people smugglers and sink their boats.

30 04 2010
Gorey

Which they totally do in real life.

30 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

hohohoho
Well if it’s on TV surely it’s like totally real dude!
:D

30 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Even though I do not care, morbid curiosity got the better of me.

Thank you for keeping me appraised of the awesome shitness that is McCune’s career.

30 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

who will be this year’s intoxicated faux pas champion?
coming soon to a rival network near you.

30 04 2010
Jay

I posted this link under the “Red Carpet Specials” topic a couple of days ago… but will repost for the benefit of anyone who feels like a good hurl :-P

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/television/brynne-promises-to-make-big-impact-at-the-logies/story-e6frfmyi-1225859278784

30 04 2010
pb

why did you post this? and why did i click on this? that, the richard wilkins thing up above, and the girl i saw on the train yesterday have combined to give me severe trauma. time to go off to my happy place.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

PB, take TWO Kerry O’Briens. STAT.

30 04 2010
vivisection

sorry , for your own good pb

*slap*
brief pause
*slap*

It was tough love.

30 04 2010
miss dahl

What girl???

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Yesterday, PB saw a she-beast wearing see-through leggings as pants, along with a short top.
PB hasn’t fully recovered. We don’t like to talk about it…..

30 04 2010
miss dahl

Should be illegal …

30 04 2010
Shirley M

OMFG. That woman is hideous. I’ve never heard of her before now, and I hope to Ja that I never hear of her again.

30 04 2010
vivisection

Be sure to click on “Brynne in full colour Gallery ” link – pics of her lolling about look glamorous on a chaise lounge, pics of her tits falling out at football awards, pics of her whoring herself out to rich old man, i mean her wedding…

30 04 2010
Shirley M

I hovered my cursor over the link but decided against clicking. So you suggest I have a peek?

30 04 2010
Shirley M

I hate her. I hate her boobs, I hate her smile, I hate her.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Why? You too can be as boobed up as her, for a modest but adequate fee.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

I’m quite satisfied with the pair my mother and father provided me with.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Me too. I got them for my 16th birthday.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Did you get a designer vagina for your big 18th?

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. No, just a vajazzling.

30 04 2010
Robbie

LOL back at you Fi…LOL

30 04 2010
ohnobogan

FOF

30 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

Oh dear God. I peeked because someone said ‘boobs’, and I’m a drooling fool for side tit, but that’s just wrong on so many counts.
1. She has a face like Christmas pudding
2. She married Edelston – words fail me on this count, rambunctious little gunt
3. She’s a ‘reporter’ for Fox ‘tv’.
4. Those aren’t tits, they’re helium balloons without the look and feel of helium balloons

This is it. This is fucken it. Bogue now wallows in it’s boguishness without shame, without an ounce of self-awareness. The human race has reached it’s peak and is now hurtling down the other side of evolution. Devolution.

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

True Bring on the planet-killing asteroid. As soon as I finish my Laphroaig backlog…

30 04 2010
Benamin

People sometimes snap out of things when they get too ridiculous.

I’m hoping that this is what is happening, for at least a percentage of the bogan populace.

30 04 2010
vivisection

yet a “Team Brynne” t-shirt would look in my wardrobe….

30 04 2010
miss dahl

Well, after all, she is the Bride of Edelestein so she’s gotta stand apart somehow. But, seriously, I did see her being briefly intereview pre-wedding and she came across as very sweet and well spoken. If only she got fitted with a decent bra, and more modest attire, she ain’t half bad. Where are all the Aussie fashion designers when You need them? Sass & Bide need not apply, though!

6 05 2010
Mick

I reckon Constanza shagged her.

30 04 2010
Gorey

Jay, you should be glassed for posting that.

30 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Yeah Jay,
Way to go guy!

30 04 2010
Sten

Thanks for that, Jay.

I’ve never heard of this troglodyte before, but she looks like a bloke.

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

What I don’t get is, if he is truly is wealthy, couldn’t he have afforded better?

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Must be the blow jobs. No other explanation.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. More likely the sensational spanish. :-|

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Trabajo español de golpe?

30 04 2010
Sten

Ay! No es bueno!

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Los trabajos del golpe de inglés son mejores?

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Poner un pene entre los dos pechos a los efectos de la satisfacción sexual.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Ohhh. La teta que jode.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Sí, si usted debe ser secundarios al respecto.

30 04 2010
SD

Should be risa en voz alta?

30 04 2010
Tombarina

You’ve missed the point. Unlike The Brynne’s mammaries, bogue acquisitiveness is all about opportunity and proportion, not taste.

Clearly, Edelsten is a nuclear-grade bogue – ergo, he’s sought out his feminine (?!) counterweight among the ranks of the femmebogue. No non-bogan female is EVER going to look at the taut-skinned cretin sideways, so he only has femmbogues from which to select.

Now, as we know, the bogue is much enamoured by conspicuous consumption. Edelston’s money enables him to acquire a particularly loud and shiny item adorned with boobies visible from the International Space Station.

A low-earning bogue aspires to a slab of Woodies and some ink on his bicep. The mining-worker aims for three jetskis, a new Triton ute and a meedja room. Edelston aspired to, and achieved, an unmissably slutty tangerine-hued dugong of questionable gender.

Conspicuous, conspicuous, conspicuous.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Please don’t talk about dugongs in that way, Tombarina.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

You’re right. I’m sorry. We love dugongs.
I just couldn’t eat a whole one….

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

I totally agree that this guy is restricted to the subset of females that are a-grade world class bogues. I get that.

So sorry if this seems argumentative, but –

Even if choosing among bogues, why choose the worst of a bad bunch?

Given a choice between Anna Nicole Smith and this abomination, I know which one I’d choose (notwithstanding that the former is some years dead).

What about a former ralph model? Bec Hewitt? One of the kardashian sisters?

I just feel like any decent amount of money should have been able to produce a better outcome, even amongst the bogue classes.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

The Ralph models are busy dodging shards of glass emanating from the outstretched fists of intoxicated NRL players, Bec Hewitt already has her pouting, petulant prince to cope with, and it’s my understanding the Kardasians are more loaded than The Edel, thereby vaulting them beyond his slimy grasp.

I do take your point, though – why he’s married what looks to be a transvestite second-rower in an unconvincing wig is indeed a mystery.

Maybe the ranks of high-value femmebogues are thinning?

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

You can always do better, I guess. But what is baffling me is that in this case, he couldn’t possibly do worse if he tried.

I cannot for the life of me think of any circumstances where THAT would become a viable option for me, and less likely still if I was wealthy.

Most things bogans like have at least some explanation in self-interest, fear or prejudice, but this is an enigma wrapped in a girdle.

30 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

DA, I think the point is he is such a bogue he actually thinks she looks hot. To the rest of us non bogues she looks like someone got SJP, put a bike pump up her arse and inflated to maxxximum pressure.

2 05 2010
JimC

Yeesh! She’s got a face like a welder’s bench.

3 05 2010
devil's advocate

“face like a welder’s bench”. I will be deploying that one at the first opportunity.

4 05 2010
Somewhat Bogan

+1 I can’t wait to use that one.

Seriously I threw up a little when I saw that photo.. then quickly looked around the office to make sure no one busted me looking at that leathery gargoil.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

“Brynne promises to make big impact at Logies” …which she will do a subtley reminiscent of the firebombing of Dresden.

That’s no promise. That’s a threat. RUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN…….

30 04 2010
Sten

Do the terms “blast radius” and “minimum safe distance” apply, Tombarina?

30 04 2010
Sten

I imagine it’d be like watching a nuclear explosion… enthralling, in a dreadful way.

30 04 2010
Gorey

And fatal.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Sten, I accidentally flicked to the Logies last year just in time to see that vacuous be-titted monster ‘interviewed’.

In the 5-10 seconds it took me to find the remote control and switch, I lost my sight, 27 IQ points, and my dinner.

And THAT was simply a random glimpse. This year, The Brynne’s serious. Save yourselves. You’ve been warned.

30 04 2010
Sten

There there, Tombarina, I feel your pain. Never let it be said I’m completely heartless! I suggest a dozen or so remedial gins to blot out those terrible mamma- um, that is to say, memories.

So, when are the Bogies anyway? Having no connection to popular “culture”, I would hate to accidentally find myself in the firing line simply because I have line-of-sight on a TV on that particular night.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

I believe they’re on this Sunday.

I’m taking the precaution of being out of the country – I’m confident Christchurch will provide sufficient distance from Ground Zero, and this televised litany of talentless nuff-nuffs isn’t shown there.

30 04 2010
Sten

Well thank Xenu for that! Sunday night is SBS night for me!

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

Sten (14:19:21) said: Do the terms “blast radius” and “minimum safe distance” apply, Tombarina?

In hiroshima and nagasaki, the intensity of the explosion was such that people’s shadows were burned into concrete.

Such would be the case at spray-tan booths all over the nation in the lead up to this bogue-ocalypse.

30 04 2010
vivisection

You know i went all the way to Hiroshima, hoping to see some blast shadows and all there was left is someones arse print on a bank step in the museum. Very disappointed. I love the notion of the spray booths being marked for generations after the bogue-ocalypse though

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

Predicted new bogue craze – the all-over, permanent tattooed tan, done in a high-velocity needle-jet spray booth.

30 04 2010
vivisection

We need to somehow get their teeth snow blindingly white at the same time. Xtreme Lazers?

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

Nah. Baked enamel. Or maybe powder coating. Hmm, ColorBond teeth…

30 04 2010
vivisection

Baked enamel teeth, i’d try that – very retro. Colorbond teeth would be a bogue sensation though – more familiar than old baked enamel crap

30 04 2010
Sten

As an armchair historian of the Second World War, I’m fully aware of the horrors inflicted on the Japanese populace in those attacks. An image which will haunt me ’til the end of my days is that of a little girl, whose eyes had burned out of her skull, leaving gaping caverns in her otherwise unsullied face.

As nice a bloke as I am, I probably wouldn’t be averse to a similar fate for those who choose to view the sheer weapons-grade Boganity that is the Bogies.

30 04 2010
Benamin

Ho Ho!

30 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I, for one, will be proud to say that I was there at the death of the “side boob”.

30 04 2010
Call me Nighthawk

Where do these horse-bangin skanks come from? I wonder what Boris from the movie ‘Whatever Works’ would have to say about her…

30 04 2010
Benamin

Is it just me or does her face in the first picture remind you (not in a good way) of Helga from Allo Allo?

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Is the Richard Wilkson’s femme-bogan clone…AHHH!!

30 04 2010
vivisection

OMG – lipstick on a pig. It can be done. I personally love a trashbag golddigger – Anna Nicole Smith and Lola Ferrari are both heroines of mine, yet this horror just doesn’t equate. Something is fundamentally wrong with her. I guess Anna Nicole and Lola had the decency to die tragically before the novelty wore off, but this pig has been around too long already and its only been about 12months.

30 04 2010
vivisection

and look at JS comment 3 underneath ” She looks Fowl” Porcine perhaps,fowl, not really?

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

“I love sparkles and colours, and I think it is a great thing to stand out. I’d hate to show up in the same dress as someone else.”

That would be a tight fit indeed…

30 04 2010
Gorey

Bonus! That made me laugh. Thank you.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Bwahahahaha!
Thanks, Glass em.

Bugger me, she’s a loathsome slurry.

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

*Insert Deity* help us the day they decide to show the Bogies in 3D…

30 04 2010
Gorey

Don’t they have 3D TVs now? The bogans are spewin’ they spent all their bonuses on the plasmas now.

30 04 2010
AlyssaKT

FACT! My former flatmate was indeed “spewin’” when he heard 3Ds were being released, after buying an enormous (now “stupid”) flat screen (for his room).

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

Bogue status will be measured by how many pairs of 3D glasses one has floating around one’s Ikea living room.

30 04 2010
Gorey

The first of many.

30 04 2010
the trav

what c-grade overseas celeb are we flying in this year? you know the ones that “we” fawn and gush over, and physically and emotionally ejaculate when they say “how great the australian logies and tv are, and what an honor it is to present the award*”

* said statement is usually read off of an autocue well after a very generous apperence fee has been paid…

30 04 2010
Gorey

I believe kd lang is going to sing. Because they couldn’t get Susan Boyle. I think that’s like hanging yourself, because you can’t slash your wrists.

30 04 2010
Sten

Gorey, what a fantastic remark. Love it!

30 04 2010
vivisection

susan boyle bailed already – must have been told what it was like

30 04 2010
ExtremeBoganHunter

Oh god could Pink possibly step in at this late hour, must be high time for another tour surely.

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

Hee hee, ‘The Bogies’. So shall it be known forever. I used to work in Oz TV – never got to the logies but inside info suggests that it is far worse than you can ever imagine…

30 04 2010
James Hunter

TBL,
I loved the “bivalve”
Maybe “Bisphinctural” is more accurate?

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. “Try-sphinctural”?

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
Excellent as coincidentally there are three main sphincters in the digestive tract.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. A “triple lock” on the Tradesman’s Entrance, if you will?

30 04 2010
Sten

Not an insurmountable problem for the average locksmith (read: Bogan who knows about locks ‘n shit cuz he was breakin’ into cars ‘n shit since he was 14).

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
again you excellence in repertee outshines I think that like my self your repertee often arrives before you !
However just FYI we have an oesaphageal sphincter,a duodenal sphincter, and the rectal sphincter( which is actually two about 40mm apart) So I supose the Tradesmen’s entrance is only double locked..
Except in cases of necrophilia when its deadlocked !!
Just an asside, Did you know that necrophilia is “dead boring”

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. TMI James Hunter, TMI!

30 04 2010
Will

Hate to be an asshole, but it’s ‘botulinum toxin’, not botulin. ;-)

zing! TBL

30 04 2010
Nelson Esq

Hate to be an asshole, or do you mean hate to be bi-sphinctural?

30 04 2010
Sten

I also hate to be an asshole, but isn’t it spelled “arsehole”?

I don’t, on the other hand, mind being a pedant one bit.

30 04 2010
Will

Hey man, I’d just hate for all of TBL’s credibility to be undermined by something so small as a missing u and an m.

30 04 2010
reparty

KD Lang, what happened babe? Next stop Twin Towns.

30 04 2010
SD

“As his radioactive orange skin (made from the same polymer as Bert’s toupée)”

Gold!

Isn’t the Bogies a Channel Nein presentation? Isn’t it held way past Bert’s bedtime? So are they trying to extract more than their pound’s worth from the Bert?

30 04 2010
MC Grammar

Thought TBL might be inspired by these sweet bogan looks –

http://www.sannas.jp/main/en/pants-jeans/bikini-pants.html

30 04 2010
the trav

oh no….hopefully they are only made in sizes the can only fit super model…

30 04 2010
vivisection

The boguette can slip out of her Lazy Patch doona suit and into one of these little numbers for a night on the breezers

30 04 2010
vivisection

Oh and fro the lazy atch testimonials

“holy moly ‘doona’ (duvet) suit?
http://www.lazypatch.com..like the UGG boot which was designed in Australia to be treated like the girlfriend of a mate that no one likes….’good for wearing around the house, but you wouldnt walk outside with it’, Pammy Anderson is bound to be seen around Hollywood in one of these in no time.”
A.Mulcahy – London

and

hi there jonathan & the lazy patch crew my girlfriend jes denboer ordered a camo suit of you a day ago I received it this morning & I just had to email you to say that this suit is f@#king amazing its the most comfortable thing ever thank you so much it is the best idea out there i’ve taken a day off work just too laze around, o & thank you for how quickly you got it to me awsome service i’ve sent a pic of me wearing it & your website to all my friends thanx heaps AWSOME regards from the newest member of the lazy community ritchie dehaan

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Excellent!

A quick visit to the website soon confirms it’s a quality product by:
(a) using Mick Molloy’s marginally less scurfy brother as a model, &
(b) showing a whacky shot of a Lazy Patch wearer on the throne.

There’s an almost subliminal elegance in the alignment of Mick Molloy, the crapper and this item of shite couture.

30 04 2010
vivisection

but where are the home viewer pics that have been sent in? , i couldn’t find them

30 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

arf! And you came across that… how, exactly? Now there’s a case for censorship. That and the ninemsn Richard W tribute.

One trusts Senator Conroy has this kind of filth in his sights.
Just imagine… ninemsn, banned…. Mmmm banned.

30 04 2010
Gorey

Thank you Grammar for almost making me wish I was blind.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Oh, FFS. That really is a bridge too far.

Although…..these would provide the perfect canvas upon which to display mine and Edna’s fave new item, The Backtacular. http://www.kimberlily.com/
For the femmebogue who can’t be f@*ked buying pants that actually fit. Now, turn that pesky plumber’s cleavage into an attractive, bogualicious fashion statement.

30 04 2010
S!!mon - Glasser at Arms

Sweet Jesus, was that really called for.
*sound of cork exiting bottle*

2 05 2010
James Hunter

S!!imon, where the hell did you manage to buy metho in a bottle with a cork?
I need to know because those Childproof push , squeeze and turn thingys get a bit confusing after the first few snorts?

3 05 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Sorry James, I have not graduated to real drinking yet.

30 04 2010
vivisection

That is too much for my colour monitor.

1 05 2010
gordie

omg! would anyone wear those? i was also impressed that they offer not only low rise but super low rise and ultra low rise! I feel better now that i know the difference between the three terms :O

1 05 2010
James Hunter

Gordie,
the super low ries ones make the bogettes so attractive they give me an instant soft on.

1 05 2010
gordie

lmao, I thought it was a joke at first until i had a look around the site and realised it was a real online shop….

1 05 2010
AlyssaKT

lucky femme bogues wax all of their pubic hair off!

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

That was uncalled for MC Grammar…:( These images will haunt my nightmares…

30 04 2010
martin

I haven’t watched it for years. The start isn’t too bad so I can have a bit of a perve on the women, or have a laugh over people that are kitschy like Madge and Harold from neighbours.

They always seem to have Kerry O’Brien there and they’ll give him a few shots or even an award. I suppose to give it a slight air of sophistication and hide the fact that Oz TV is mindless shit and because out of all the ABC libtards he looks the most bogan. This gives the bogans a sense of comfort that they’ve mixed it with the thinking people without actually having to think for themselves.

30 04 2010
Mark

And what kerazy shit will The Chaser get up to this year, watched over like a hawk by over-zealous Crown security

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Mark
Ah The Chaser, I realy loved the chaser.
Chas woulkd be a fantastic compare for the Logies. god immagine him comparing and taking the piss at the same time?

1 05 2010
pb

surprise spruiker out the front on the red carpet.

30 04 2010
the trav

i may actually watch the bogies this year, then again i have always wanted to try and staple my own penis to my forehead….hmm, decisons, decsions.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Trav,
as soon as you succeed call me , i could use you in our show. !!

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Riddle me this – who are these…people? What do they do? Why do they appear to be at the Logies every year?

http://www.bald.com.au/images/news/img40836c666343d.jpg

BTW, we’re not knocking cancer patients – apparently, our subtle friend on the left opted out of all the hair rigmarole a couple of years back. And she’s one hiccup away from opting out of that dress, too.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

I have no idea who they are Tombarina, but I’ll make an educated guess and suggest they are relatives of that dirty stopout Brynne.

30 04 2010
Beccie

I have a feeling Brynne could be their older brother.

30 04 2010
vivisection

One on the right is Maria Venutti, what she actually does is beyond me? She appears on red carpets and behaves like a Carry On film extra. I assume at some stage she must have sung something or acted in something??? Probably attends the opening of a virgin’s legs for publicity. or sings at Italian restaurants.

30 04 2010
Gorey

I’ve seen that hag on TV my whole life, and I’ve yet to know what it is she does other than appear at events. I rock up to shit all the time, and I’m not a celebrity. Perhaps I should smash my face with a frying pan and buy some enormous tits.

30 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

We paid for her to appear at an event once. (It was cheap, believe me.) She was a singer in an earlier life??

Ms Venutti was all of the above and more; the loudest, proudest bogan I’ve ever met.

She gathered one of our punters into a chest lock and smothered the poor bastard in those giant, all-real, norks. It took months of tequila to get over it and it sure cured me of any big-boob fetish I may have been in the process of developing.

30 04 2010
Gorey

You just made me very sad.

30 04 2010
Tone

I miss the Fugly Awards.

http://tvfuglyawards.com/

30 04 2010
James Hunter

I realy think that Bert newton is excellent though Daryle Sommers could be a good understudy.
reason is that Bert provides the whole show with exactly the amount of class and credibility that it deserves.

30 04 2010
Jodie

“…Bert provides the whole show with exactly the amount of class and credibility that it deserves.”

Which is to say absolutely none.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Jodie,
I did not think that i needed to spell that out !

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You’re right. You didn’t.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Slightly Logies-related, via Underbelly – this burnished turd of homage from today’s Carl Williams Boguarama Interment Festivus:

“You gave me $500 after my teeth fell out, because you were drunk,” said stepdaughter Bree.

And there you have it, people. That’s what good parenting’s all about. *sniff*

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

He probably knocked them out. Or paid Roberta to do it.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Ha! Or 10L/day of Coke Zero did the trick.

I’ve repeated Bree’s heartfelt line aloud about 17 times now, and remain baffled as to how this could be deemed any form of tribute. I just pray I never give my sole offspring just cause to honour my memory thus.

30 04 2010
Jay

Just heard on the news… Carl buried in a $30,000 gold-plated coffin. Roberta and child arrived at funeral in stretch black Hummer. Dear God.

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

Just proves you can gold-plate a turd. I see a pair of doves were released. I wonder if the mourners used them for target practice after the media had left?

30 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

Ha, I give it 2 months before his crook mates dig it up. Or the boys from Cash for Gold come a callin.

Maybe Roberta will be spotted in a mall a month or two hence asking if they do house calls…

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

Hopefully the skank will now slither back into obscurity and stay there. Not holdin’ my breath though…

30 04 2010
vivisection

Its the same as Michael Jackson’s coffin – celebrity endorsed. And some “news” shows have been clear in saying Gold “coloured” coffin. Maybe it’s from Michael Hill Jewelers.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
Interesting. How could him being drunk make her teeth fall out ?

30 04 2010
Tombarina

The idea of my mother shagging Carl would certainly loosen my fillings.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
At least she wouldnt get pregnant ’cause hed be back dooring her ?

30 04 2010
Tombarina

James – eUUUUWWW.
That’s all.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
Whats up?
Couldnt see it comming?
Oops done it again…..
bugger

1 05 2010
sideshow

I think he was being the tooth fairy!
Which fairy brings two black eyes?

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

I realise this has probably been posted a thousand times already, but I only just found out…

Carl William’s kid’s name is…

Dhakota!

OMFG, ROFLMAO, WTF and even LOL.

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

I should clarify, the use of the “!” above was exclamation on my part. The child’s name does not actually contain the character “!” as far as I know.

Although it does contain an “h”. So I can only assume the “!” would have gone in had they thought of it.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

are you for real ?
note the space between the real and the question mark, just so as you do not get confused

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

I really and truly did not know Carl Williams’ daughter was named Dhakota. In the event I may have heard it in passing on the news, I may not have remarked on it due to inability to note the silent h.

30 04 2010
Tombarina
30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

Bound to happen soon, as in S!!mon or Br!hannah

30 04 2010
Tombarina

…or P!nk.

30 04 2010
S!!mon - Glasser at Arms

What? Like this.

1 05 2010
Glass 'em all

Mmm, pointy…

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
has anyone suggested brining our favourite bit of profile tit out to the logies. The lucious Nigella Lawson?
Now that would be enough to entice me to watch.??

30 04 2010
Sten

Well sure, but she’d be way too classy to accept. One of the many reasons I love Nigella.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Agree.
There’s about as much likelihood of Nigella fronting for the Logies as there is of Our Cate whipping the girls out on the red carpet then skolling a Stollie and glassing a c&nt.

30 04 2010
Glass 'em all

Oh Lord, would I pay to see that!?

30 04 2010
Tombarina

I’m with you.
I think Our Cate could actually make glassin’ classy. She’s just so ethereal!

30 04 2010
Gorey

I would.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

sten,
she make you go “Glass”y eyed ?

30 04 2010
S!!mon - Glasser at Arms

I don’t think Nigella does side boob. Hard to pull off with a cardy you know. But we can all live in hope.

2 05 2010
sideshow

She does cardy side boob seen it yesterday, but what I really liked was the extended camera shot of said boobs while beating an egg. mmmmm egg

30 04 2010
vivisection

Oh come on. Nigella would be practically blowing the Logie statue as she breathily announced the nominees whilst building up to a pre-orgasmic shudder. That woman is hilarious, the perfect domestic goddess in the kitchen / slutty tease.

1 05 2010
Sha

Vapid.Nauseating.Fake..and I like the look of a woman as much as the next woman.:)

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

That great shot of Cassius Clay with Bert reminds me – sometimes I like to imagine what would have happened had he not taken Bert’s “I like the boy” remark with such good humour.

“Float like a butterfly, sting like an impacted cheekbone and crushed eye socket!”

1 05 2010
Sha

But was it scripted?Really?

30 04 2010
James Hunter

I know i made this comment way above somewhere but how about having Chas from The Chasser to compare the Logies?
Immagine him comparing and taking the piss at the same time. it would be a riot.

30 04 2010
The Cat's Mother

Things bogans like today – gold plated coffins, arriving at your ex husband’s funeral in a stretch hummer and sleeping in your car overnight to get 50c/litre petrol!

1 05 2010
Sha

Hahahahahahha

2 05 2010
martin

Or how about just always going to those Coles/Woolies servos period. I hate those people. Lining up for about 10-20 minutes to save about two dollars and clogging up the road. Actually I think that’s more of a souless fuedalistic wanker thing. The bogan would support the independant servo.

2 05 2010
AlyssaKT

hahahaha don’t be ridiculous. The thinking person would use an independent servo. The bogan will use any servo it perceives as getting a good deal from. Bonus if there is a 15 minute line up – it means it must be worth it!

2 05 2010
Sten

That’s given me a fantastic idea, Alyssa… how about a servo with some kind of velvet rope to control the queue? Talk about an awesome way to fleece the Bogue!

2 05 2010
pb

sten, truly you have a great mind.

3 05 2010
AlyssaKT

I thought exactly that as I wrote it! :D

2 05 2010
martin

Yeah probably AllyssaKT. The poxy wannabe yuppie bogans in their poxy 4WDs that they never use for 4WD’ing. They probably save more like ten bucks because it costs about $100-$150 to fill them.

In fact I insist on a thread about 4WD people.

2 05 2010
James Hunter

You insist ? wow im impressed

3 05 2010
AlyssaKT

haha. I too “insist”

3 05 2010
Will S

Unnecessarily large rims, illegal lowering of vehicles, metallic paint in inappropriate colours… all blog-worthy topics!

4 05 2010
AlyssaKT

Observing the fucktards almost run over their own children or their children’s classmates after dropping them at school in the mornings makes me feel violent.

30 04 2010
Steve

I wonder if the bogans want Ray Martin’s 4 Gold Logies back, after he somewhat reignited the flag debate.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Good point – Ray nibbled on the bogue hand that fed him.
However, as has been previously discussed, the bogan is not a discriminating beast.
Their Ray has an unrivalled trove of fine and fearless journalism to his credit – outing shonky (Indian) cabbies, violent (African) warlords, dubious (woggy) fruit sellers and scary (Asian) gangs, along with numerous blokey interviews with Farnsey’n’Barnsey.
The soothing memory of these halcyon days (Before Political Correctness Went Mad!) will serve as calomine lotion to any niggling concerns the bogan may experience at Their Ray’s occasional foray into nonsense about the flag and blackfellas.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

SFA to do with the Logies – except that they suck as much as Twilight. But this made me snortle:
http://www.icanhasmotivation.com/twilight-the-way-the-movie-should-have-ended/

Off for a fortnight, kiddies. Be good, and keep fighting the good fight.
x

1 05 2010
Si

I say we take off; nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure…

2 05 2010
miss dahl

While we’re at it, can we nuke bitches, snitches and Republicans?

1 05 2010
jed

i’ve noticed my old crt tv is starting to give up the ghost. i shudder at the thought i may have to buy a plasma – do i have any other options?

1 05 2010
AlyssaKT

Nope. I bought the last analogue TV in stock 2 years ago.

You could be different by paying all at once and not using a baby bonus though :)

2 05 2010
jed

yeah i’ll be paying cash, thanks.

2 05 2010
James Hunter

Gofor LCD thry do not chew up back lighting like plasma,so im told.I bought a 55″ Samsung LCD on Ebay for about $1500 twelve monthe s a go and it is great ,excellent wide viewing angle, clarity . In common with Panasonic and others ,Samsung sell all their returns to a company in Sydney that repairs them and sells them as “refurbished” with new set warranty.
We have done this now with the TV, a BlueRay, a Microwave and a Fridge and always get things about half price or a bit more and because they have all been workshop tested here in Australia you can be assured that there will not be little things wrong,broken ,missing . so for me thats the way to go

1 05 2010
Sha

My mum died in 1984.If she were to come back now she would see Bert Newton STILL hosting the logies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Good God….where is the humanity!

1 05 2010
brad

The humanity died around 2000-2001 when Big Brother and it’s reality tv ilk infested the old carthrey nipple

2 05 2010
miss dahl

Brad, what is “carthrey nipple”?

2 05 2010
vivisection

is it a premix drink?

2 05 2010
James Hunter

Maybe he ment ,Nipple Cathartis ??

2 05 2010
miss dahl

At the risk of sounding too bossy, guys, we need to watch our spelling. Bad spelling is a sure sign of insidious boganisation.

2 05 2010
James Hunter

Ah hah, Miss dahl
Me Im one of the worst spelling ofenders BUT your stage name “dahl”
is that correct spellin for what ?

2 05 2010
miss dahl

Spelling correct as in Dahl, origin Norwegian e.g. Roald Dahl, author of some good children’s books like Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, among others.

2 05 2010
James Hunter

Thank you for putting me right

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

I love this post. Awesome as always, and well worth the wait. I know I’m late as usual!! :P

2 05 2010
P!nky Has A Brain

Tombarina, you will be missed…Have fun whatever it is you are doing. And see you back here ASAP if not before!!! ;)

2 05 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter, I suppose you’re settled in front of your maxtreme 55-inch tv reaching for another fizzy drink (that’s ‘chillin’ in the Esky beside you) awaiting the televisual feast that is the Logies.

2 05 2010
gordie

ok I couldn’t help it… i just had to look….. i just saw a Logies Red Carpet photo of Brynne Gordon , it’s worse than i expected. I am in shock….and does anyone really believe that she is only 26 years old as reported?

2 05 2010
miss dahl

Just saw a photo of Brynne on the red carpet. Thankfully, she’s wearing a corset and keeping it all contained!

2 05 2010
pb

yes, hers was bad and looks like some sort of naughty maid costume, but wasn’t the worst dress. that honour goes to kat stewart from underbelly who appears to have taped a bedsheet to her boob.

3 05 2010
miss dahl

Not to mention the hardware around her neck … bling from Bunnings!

3 05 2010
Nancy Botwin

Honourable mentions:

Tasma Walton’s garbage bag dress.
Claudia Karvin’s attempt at anorexic, 50s starlet with too much botox.
The Home and Away guy dressed like a metrosexual pirate.
Sigrid Thornton who came up short of material when using her grandmother’s curtains for fabric.

3 05 2010
pb

my interest was piqued by the metrosexual pirate comment and i just had to look. i laughed until i coughed. but according to the caption he’s in neighbours, not home and away. http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/gallery-fn5gz971-1225861209190?page=75 the rest of them in the photo aren’t much better.

3 05 2010
Will S

Who are these people? Why are there pictures? I don’t understand this.

4 05 2010
AlyssaKT

Nancy getting it wrong only increases her credibility

2 05 2010
Sten

I’ve managed to resist the Siren-song of the Bogies… it hasn’t been hard. However, I did check out the SMH, expecting to see something like the riots in Greece being headline news, but no, I find that jaundice-hued harpy there instead.

But in answer to your question, gordie, as I previously vouchsafed, I doubt very much Brynne Gordon is actually a woman, irrespective of age.

Catch you all for (hopefully) a new post tomorrow.

3 05 2010
2 05 2010
martin

I’ve had it on for about an hour. I had to turn it off. Too much nauseatingly self congratulatory sappy music.

All these TV stars look the same. Especially the young soapie stars. Same squarish germanic jaw line, all the guys have that faux gay fuzzy hair that irritates me. All the girls have that delicate and simple personality, all the guys have that bogan I’m such an Aussie with a dose of metro type personality. They should all be glassed. Somebody shoot me for watching it.

3 05 2010
AlyssaKT

*glass*

3 05 2010
S-Man

“Since then, every Gold Logie has gone to an actor who had constantly been on Australian television for decades prior. As such, Alf from Home and Away is almost certain to take it out in 2010, despite the fact that almost all bogans are unaware of his real name.”

Wow, just wow. You guys sure know your bogans.

It’s a blessing and a curse. TBL

3 05 2010
Mavis

Speaking of the “Most Outstanding Factual Program”, how did “Border Security” fare? I bet the boges were hanging out for that one. (I don’t live in Australia so am thankfully spared the annual agony of the Logies, and of Australia’s border controls).

3 05 2010
James

F*ck off Fiona

3 05 2010
The Boganator

How is this for a clash of the bogan titans: Ralph magazines take on the Logies:

http://ralph.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=1046577

3 05 2010
Your Local Dandy
3 05 2010
Nic

“But, being the compassionate bivalve that it is…”

I wish I had a GOLD Bogie to give you for that line.

3 05 2010
Pete

I heard Master Chef pipped Biggest Loser in one of the categories.

In other words bogans eating defeated bogans not eating. Why am I not surprised…

5 05 2010
William Shatner pants

Tonight on Today Tonight: BOGAN OUTRAGE! Thousands of bogans overcharged for text voting on “Best Dressed Bogan Icon”. Now Bogans should check their phone bills. . . . HOW COULD THEY GET THINGS SO WRONG!? *Roars with laughter almost to the point of pissing self*

5 05 2010
William Shatner pants

I should probably mention it’s pertaining to The Logies, you know because I didn’t earlier. Yeah. . . . .

5 05 2010
William Shatner pants

And now I just remember that this is, after all The Logies thread. *groans and places head in hands*

29 11 2010
A public appeal to Richard Wilkins « Things Bogans Like

[...] specials, being outflanked by Max Markson as the ideal celebrity conduit for bogans, and being a polymer that doesn’t actually exist. Other allegations that have been swirling in recent months include [...]

29 11 2010
A public appeal to Richard Wilkins « Things Bogans Like

[...] specials, being outflanked by Max Markson as the ideal celebrity conduit for bogans, and being a polymer that doesn’t actually exist. Other allegations that have been swirling in recent months include [...]

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