The bogan’s love for shortcuts has been covered in reasonable sufficiency. What has not been talked about however is its curious love for overpriced saccharine poison, known as the alcopop. Notwithstanding the painfully unimaginative portmanteau, producers and marketers of this piss have profited immensely from the bogan’s love of convenience and fully integrated branding. The very words “Ready-to-drink” make its heart palpitate furiously, like a hipster about to watch a cardigan-clad Zooey Deschanel perform a duet with Tom Waits in front of a small organic farmers’ market.
Knowing the bogan’s helpless malleability to televisual stimuli, it comes as no surprise that premixed drinks are one of the most heavily advertised alcoholic products in the country. Combining a vertigo-inducing array of cross promotional advertising between various paragons of boganic activity at sick clubs, the premixed drink is literally* the alcoholic equivalent of a Lynx can.
Allegedly premium Swedish vodka brand Absolut has, in true bogan-baiting form, taken their communication strategy to the maxtreme. In a display of absolut genius, in 2005 they introduced a slender, translucent bottle of Absolut vodka and a citrus mixer, branded it “CUT”. They employed the services of Maxxium Australia to distribute their swill and had the lovely folk at Naked Communications handle their advertising. This convergence of maximum nudity rocked the bogan’s tectonic plates, causing an eruption of of bogan dollars of Eyjafjallajökull-ian proportions. It could now be seen drinking Absolut Cut Lemon in Cut branded bars, wearing the free promotional Cut rubber wristband and talking about how it would like to cut up the cunt that rubbed up against its missus.
Such is the bogan’s love for the RTD that not even the application of a 70% tax served to meaningfully impede its predilection for ripping bulk piss in this form. Ignoring the fact that a 330ml bottle of watermelon flavoured Bacardi Breezer now costs about the same as 330ml of straight Bacardi rum, it will gravitate towards the pretty red coloured bottle like tinea to unwashed feet. The bogan is always ready to drink, and it likes its liquor and sugarwater to be the exact same way.
Whilst the bogan’s behaviour may seem erratic and purposeless, rest assured that it is not. Aware of the horror of an evening without premixes and remixes, the bogan will not stray far from venues that provide heady amounts of both of these things. The introduction of premixed cocktails was the next logical step towards capturing a larger share of the bogan’s nocturnal leisure dollar. Now, young femmebogues can make gut-wrenching jokes about sucking off cowboys. Its premixed innuendo repertoire thus depleted, it will switch to innovative quips about having sex on a beach or brandishing a slippery nipple.