#134 – Pre-Mixed Drinks

29 04 2010

The bogan’s love for shortcuts has been covered in reasonable sufficiency. What has not been talked about however is its curious love for overpriced saccharine poison, known as the alcopop. Notwithstanding the painfully unimaginative portmanteau, producers and marketers of this piss have profited immensely from the bogan’s love of convenience and fully integrated branding. The very words “Ready-to-drink” make its heart palpitate furiously, like a hipster about to watch a cardigan-clad Zooey Deschanel perform a duet with Tom Waits in front of a small organic farmers’ market.

Knowing the bogan’s helpless malleability to televisual stimuli, it comes as no surprise that premixed drinks are one of the most heavily advertised alcoholic products in the country. Combining a vertigo-inducing array of cross promotional advertising between various paragons of boganic activity at sick clubs, the premixed drink is literally* the alcoholic equivalent of a Lynx can.

Allegedly premium Swedish vodka brand Absolut has, in true bogan-baiting form, taken their communication strategy to the maxtreme. In a display of absolut genius, in 2005 they introduced a slender, translucent bottle of Absolut vodka and a citrus mixer, branded it “CUT”. They employed the services of Maxxium Australia to distribute their swill and had the lovely folk at Naked Communications handle their advertising. This convergence of maximum nudity rocked the bogan’s tectonic plates, causing an eruption of of bogan dollars of Eyjafjallajökull-ian proportions. It could now be seen drinking Absolut Cut Lemon in Cut branded bars, wearing the free promotional Cut rubber wristband and talking about how it would like to cut up the cunt that rubbed up against its missus.

Such is the bogan’s love for the RTD that not even the application of a 70% tax served to meaningfully impede its predilection for ripping bulk piss in this form. Ignoring the fact that a 330ml bottle of watermelon flavoured Bacardi Breezer now costs about the same as 330ml of straight Bacardi rum, it will gravitate towards the pretty red coloured bottle like tinea to unwashed feet. The bogan is always ready to drink, and it likes its liquor and sugarwater to be the exact same way.

Whilst the bogan’s behaviour may seem erratic and purposeless, rest assured that it is not. Aware of the horror of an evening without premixes and remixes, the bogan will not stray far from venues that provide heady amounts of both of these things. The introduction of premixed cocktails was the next logical step towards capturing a larger share of the bogan’s nocturnal leisure dollar. Now, young femmebogues can make gut-wrenching jokes about sucking off cowboys. Its premixed innuendo repertoire thus depleted, it will switch to innovative quips about having sex on a beach or brandishing a slippery nipple.


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411 responses

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. All my drinks are pre-mixed. By one of my staff.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Fiona of Toorak (08:52:09) said: “LOL. All my drinks are pre-mixed. By one of my staff.”

Having your drinks mixed (whether by a manufacturer or staff) is, of itself, bogan. The mixed drink or “cocktail” originated in the speak-easy illegal taverns of the US during the prohibition era, and was frequented by what would today be known as bogues. Engaging in petty illegality is such a bogan pursuit.

Those of more refined taste would prefer a good vintage grange, or a single-malt whiskey of 12 years old or more, in unadulterated form. It would be a travesty to dilute such liquid works of art. However, those things require both taste and money, so it’s understandable such ideas would be lost on someone of your aspirational status.

29 04 2010
Andrew

It’s funny because it’s true…

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Grange. A waste of money and good grapes.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Shirley M (11:20:19) said : “Grange. A waste of money and good grapes.”

Spoken like someone who has never experienced it.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You don’t need to specify who you are replying to (or the time of their post) if you use the “Reply” feature – which you are.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

LOL. Go have one of your staff mix you a whiskey sour. It will mask the taste of the bargain-basement blended scotch you no doubt love.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I shan’t. I don’t partake of scotch of any variety.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Well, a bolly-stolly then. Or a vodka and cranberry. Or whatever commoner libation floats your boat/wannabe yacht.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Catch up! I already indicated I shall be imbibing “White Russians” post luncheon.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

I see. The favoured drink of “the dude” in the big lebowski. Makes so much sense now. Quite clever really, as it is easy to mask the taste of even the cheapest vodka if the other ingredients have enough sugar.

Who said bogues can’t be inventive?

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I am merely using it to help me attain the state of “abiding” that Jeffrey so effortlessly attained.

30 04 2010
the trav

grange, 12 y.o single malt, think people are starting to confuse the fact that boge factor relates to income bracket, in fact it has been clearly stated in previous post that the two a independent of each other

I on starting to ththink that grange is becoming a boge “high-end label” i.e a status symbol of uber c.u.b.

30 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

The Trav, spot on buddy. I will be drinking an 83 Grange on mothers day and now can’t work out whether that makes me a wanker or a bogan?

30 04 2010
vivisection

Banker?, Bonker? Just plain thirsty?

30 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

No help Viv.

30 04 2010
Benamin

Neither Simon. Just enjoy it.

Also as for Grange becoming a high end CUB label – arguably it already is :-( They now sell it in Tesco in the UK, which should tell you something.

Again, it’s why you do things that makes it bogan or not, esp for Grange which is an extremely well made red wine, and worthy of drinking by those who genuinely appreciate it.

30 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Thanks Ben, perhaps we might put it in a paper bag, after carefully decanting the wine and allowing it to breath to get rid of any bottle stink of course.

29 04 2010
AlyssaKT

No no no. Whisky is never presumed to be “Scotch”

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Wrong.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Wrong you have experienced grange of a good vintage, or wrong there’s no need to indicate which post is being replied to? If the latter – well, this speaks for itself. If the former, what is a better red?

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

60A if you can find it.
or
any hill of grace.

I have had ’72, ’73, ’79, ’81 & ’82 grange.
the ’73 was sublime.

Any Hill of Grace I’ve drunk beats grange.
Grange is too old fashioned and ‘european’. It’s also just a mish mash of fruit from all over the state now.
The single vineyard expression of Grace over the years has been an absolute joy.

29 04 2010
Persephone

Bin 90A is very fine. Grange is full of horrible big coconutty American oak, “a very good dry port”.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

I wasn’t suggesting it was good to drink a few years after bottling. The stronger flavours and tannins mellow well and make for good drinking 10 or 15 years down the track.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Hill of Grace if you are looking in the same price range as Grange. However, I think there are countless wines much cheaper that have more substance than Grange or Henschke.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I noticed some of the servants are rather fond of Brown Bros “Spatlese Lexia”. Does anyone know what this actually is?

29 04 2010
vivisection

nearly as good Don Cammillo

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Who is this Don Cammillo character?

29 04 2010
Shirley M

I don’t know Fiona, and I think I’d like to keep it that way.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. A wise decision I suspect. They do tend to get rather rambunctious after a tipple.

29 04 2010
vivisection

also known as 2 buck chuck. A high school favourite in the 80’s, one’s wardrobe cellar would be filled with bottles of “Uncle Don” ready for the weekend. Could possibly used as a vinegar for salad dressings i imagine

29 04 2010
Your Mother

Devil’s advocate, you are a tosser. It is inevitable that a blog about bogans would attract the seemingly ‘opposite’ kind, the posh wannabe wanker like yourself. I don’t like bogans either but your kind, I dislike much more. At least the bogan is just a simpleton. Your kind are a bunch of pretentious fuckers, who think they are better than everybody else. Go shove that bottle of Grange up your arse

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Well said! We don’t want his sort around here at all.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Your Mother (12:32:08) said : Go shove that bottle of Grange up your arse.

I realise that anal is the sort of thing bogans like, but not my bag sorry. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

29 04 2010
Alisha

here, here.
jesus h christ “devil’s advocate”, get over your pompous self. No need to be such an arsehole. we get it, YOURE SUPER AWESOME. Not stop it with the self inflating. On another note though, im pretty sick of the LOLing.

29 04 2010
Alisha

NOW stop with the self inflating

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Gees, it’s self-inflating now to point out that I’d rather not molest myself with a wine bottle? That’s a pretty low bar we’re setting.

29 04 2010
Robbie

“Knowing the bogan’s helpless malleability to televisual stimuli, it comes as no surprise that premixed drinks are one of the most heavily advertised alcoholic products in the country. Combining a vertigo-inducing array of cross promotional advertising between various paragons of boganic activity at sick clubs, the premixed drink is literally* the alcoholic equivalent of a Lynx can”

Possibly one of the best paragraphs written to date TBL…hahahaha

29 04 2010
BG

I’ve spoken with a few different wine buffs who have tried Grange as part of a blind tasting. Only one of them selected it as the best tasting wine on offer

Grange – proof that there is no substitute for good branding

29 04 2010
Andrea

The best example of advertising in the world of wine is that of the Jimmy Watson Memorial Trophy, given to the best one year old dry red wine. It wasn’t that big a deal to the general public until Wolf Blass advertised their hat trick wins of 1974-1976 relentlessly until the average wine drinker (and some of them were pretty average) wouldn’t buy anything but Wolf Blass at the time.

29 04 2010
urakur

Oh that is getting closer to the mark..

Grange has nothing to do with the appreciation of art form that the viticulturist bestows upon us.
It is more about a bunch of twats trying to swell each others knobs !

29 04 2010
djm

Brand-dropping booze snobbery is deeply bogan, with an overpowering scent of wanker.

30 04 2010
clairebbbear

Is there really any difference between a NAB and a wanker now anyway? Really?

(and yes, I know I’m late on this)

29 04 2010
James Hunter

devils advocate,
you sound like a realy pretentious pratt or are you just a misguided strawman?
AND
Calling dear Fi ” aspirational”, My god (whoever that may or may not be) bassed on the misinformed and inaccurate views expressed that would be the pot calling the kettle black.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

James Hunter – How gallant. Loyalty to one’s allies is one of the more endearing traits of the bogue.

29 04 2010
Goran

You forgot internet flame wars.

29 04 2010
Antosha

So all mixed drinks are by definition.. bogan.

So Gin Tonics were invented in the ‘illegal taverns of the US during prohibition’…

I shall not have you denigrate my beloved Gin Tonics in such a way!

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

I’ve got nothing against a gin and tonic, or indeed any mixed drink (well, unless you’re mixing good quality alcohol with fizzy drink). I do, however, have a problem with people swilling white russians, then getting on their high horse and presuming to denigrate their UDL-drinking bogan counterparts.

Fiona is no different than any of the other bogans swilling JD and coke. Which is fine, she just shouldn’t pretend otherwise.

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Ther Gin and Tonic exists as evidence of the existence of a benevolent and loving God, so perfect is the marriage.
Unfortunately there is absolutely no other evidence for the existence of God at all.
Pity Really.
(for the christians)

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Me either!!! I’m with Antosha!! But remember, it’s only bogan if you drink it for the wrong reasons. :D

30 04 2010
David

Sorry, but defining a “whiskey” by it’s age is a true sign of someone who is ignorant on such matters.

A bottle of Glenfiddich 12 or The Glenlivet 12 is widely available for under $50. They are hardly liquid art. Even Johnny Walker Black Label is 12 years old. Whereas, excellent malts like Talisker, Laphroaig and The Macallan – among others – are less than 12 years old.

Maybe you prefer to collect unopened bottles and display them in your formal living room, so you can discuss your collection of top notch scotch with your bogan mates, bandying about the age of various malts, while leaving them sealed to let them “age” within the bottle, forgetting that whisky doesn’t age in glass.

The bogan’s propensity for shortcuts is exemplified by your over-simplification of the quality of Whisky by its age.

30 04 2010
albert

The true young bogan loves to decorate the living room with empty bottles!
The true wanker decorates the room with expensive bottles (the Grange!) and crystal glasses etc.

1 05 2010
Muzz

False – Scotch actually improves with a gentle dash of cold water to bring out the flavour.

5 01 2012
Bullet Park

Devil’s Advocate: you know nothing at all about cocktails. Nothing.

The classic “recipe” of spirits, water, bitters and sugar, were invented, as far as anyone can tell, in New Orleans in the 1790s.

The term “cocktail” is first used in an American newspaper in 1803: the first definition appeared in another American publication in 1806.

The Mint Julip was popular from at least the 1820s until the present day.

The two great standbys of the classic cocktail–the martini and the manhattan–predate Prohibition by decades. The manhattan may have been invented as early as the 1870s. The cosmopolitan dates to the 1970s, and was associated with the gay arts community in Provincetown, MA. Despite being tainted by Sex and the City it is, properly made, a sharp, sour drink, not a sweet one.

The first cocktail party was hosted by a St. Louis socialite in 1917. It is thought that T.S. Eliot, a native of St. Louis, introduced the idea to Auberon Waugh in the UK.

There is not a grand hotel in any American city without its trademark cocktail, and lest you think this is yank puffery, allow me to laud the inventions of classic cocktails in Cuba; Jamaca; Mexico; Brazil; and Argentina, all places where cocktails are popular and as fashionable now as they have been for the last 150 years.

Cocktails are only the province of bogans in Australia, where, bogan or not, not a single person seems to know how to make, serve or drink one.

The fact is this. Australians have inherited your UK overlords’ tastes in drink–as something to simply be poured straight from the bottle (and, one suspects, directly into the mouth). This is not bogan either, as far as that goes, but a quick glance at London on a Friday night might suggest otherwise.

5 01 2012
James Hunter

Hmm, yes one would hardly think that having ones drinks mixed by one butler or maid is something that a bogan would be at all familiar with. !

6 01 2012
Bullet Park

Butlers and maids are not necessary – it was a mark of refinement in the 1940s and 50s for a man to be able to mix martinis at home for his guests and to pour them “very dry.”

See the cocktail party scene in “All About Eve.”

6 01 2012
James Hunter

BP, What you must remember is that the remark to which were all refering was about the loverly Fiona of Toorak and as we all know too well Fiona has “An Established Mansion” at Toorak with a full compliment of Staff making it unlikley in the extreem for Fiona to Know how to make a cocktail let alone soil her loverly fine skinned hands doing something so menial as actually makig a cocktail.

29 04 2010
Gorey

“The very words “Ready-to-drink” makes its heart palpitate furiously, like a hipster about to watch a cardigan-clad Zooey Deschanel perform a duet with Tom Waits in front of a large organic farmers’ market.”

Gold!

I do like my pre-mixed Turkey and Cola. Can’t see the fascination with all those lolly drinks though. Alcohol is supposed to be bitter. Like me.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Cola isn’t sweet?

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Or Wild Turkey, for that matter?

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I have no idea what that is. I just asked one of the maids but she just shrugged. I guess we don’t have it in the liquor cabinetry.

29 04 2010
vivisection

I thought it was a cleaning product?

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. If it was a cleaning product, I assume the maid would have known what it was.

29 04 2010
vivisection

Depends, some of the foreign maids are lazy. Too busy stealing loose change and cleaning out the fridge to actually clean.

29 04 2010
vivisection

People , please don’t hit me. I was kidding and managed to stay racially non-specific

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Hmm, where are your maids from exactly? Mine don’t steal from me. They dare not invoke the wrath of their Mistress.

29 04 2010
vivisection

At first I advertised in the personals for a maid, but Albert didnt work out, too busy staining his frilly apron. Then I got in some foreign students, but even though the work got done, the 14 of them in the spare room just got too noisy. And as mentioned, food started to go missing and every time there was a natural disaster in the third world, my spare change mysteriously vanished shortly after every telethon. Since decided to just give up on housework and drink more premix bevvies until i don’t notice the mess anymore….

29 04 2010
Gorey

Well. That certainly showed me. Guess I’ll just go back to secretly knocking back Chivas then.

29 04 2010
vivisection

Are you a cleaner?

29 04 2010
James

If they did, would you even notice?

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Probably not, no.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
Wild Turkey sounds like it would be consumed by Boars ??

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Fiona of Toorak (09:07:25) said ” LOL. I have no idea what that is. I just asked one of the maids but she just shrugged. I guess we don’t have it in the liquor cabinetry.”

With glass doors, no doubt. No point owning mass-produced brand name consumer goods such as your blended scotch and Australian rum if you can’t put it on display, I suppose.

Pro tip: True connesuirs have a climate-controlled cellar, not a “cabinetry”.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. The cellar is for the wine, not the spirituous liquors.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

LOL. Only the most common of liquors obtains no benefit from stable temperatures over a long cellaring life. I hope that one day you climb enough rungs on the social ladder to discover this for yourself. Until then, you can just take my word for it.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Why would I offer spirituous liquors a long cellar life? That’s the distillers job.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Fi dont encourage him ,, please?

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Harmless sport James, harmless sport. The more we engage him, the more he is revealed as the very epitome of the cashed up bogue.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Fiona of Toorak (11:57:38) said : “LOL. Why would I offer spirituous liquors a long cellar life? That’s the distillers job.”

Nobody that drinks kahlua or other such heavily branded, heavily promoted sugar syrup abominations is entitled to speak on what is and isn’t a distiller’s job. You remind me of the time I offered a distant relative a single-malt islay and he requested some cola to mix it with.

And yet if I were to run him through, I would be the one accused of a crime. That’s justice for you.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Indeed sir. I believe I have explained my desire for a “White Russian” adequately.

Take comfort in the fact that were you to run your distant relative through and I selected on the jury, you would be acquitted. With prejudice.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Fiona of Toorak (12:59:13) said: The more we engage him, the more he is revealed as the very epitome of the cashed up bogue.

I never claimed I was not a bogue (cashed-up or otherwise); merely that you are (notwithstanding your pretentions to the contrary).

29 04 2010
Antosha

James is right Fi… let’s just ignore him.

Maybe cm has something to add?

29 04 2010
Simon of South Yarra

Spirits are at their best when bottled – no amount of cellaring in glass will improve it – your word re spirits is flawed

29 04 2010
vivisection

I am completely ignant in these matters, however a question for ya’ll. I found about 10 miniature bottles of scotch at an OP shop – Cutty Sark, Hyland, Queen Anne and others I cant remember right now. They look late 50’s early 1960’s and are still sealed. My question, – should i add coke or dry? Only kidding, but would these be drinkable, and better for their age if they are? Or would they just be nasty?

29 04 2010
Shirley M

It’s hard to say. It depends what kind of life they’ve had so far – where they’ve been kept and so on. They certainly won’t be any better than they were when they were bottled.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Yes but a good spirit can become lightstruck and can be harmed by temperature fluctuations. Whereas, the [bogue brand x] which you no doubt drink will taste terrible regardless of the conditions in which it is kept.

In any case, cellaring is preferable to a cabinet if for no other reason than it avoids the dire bogan need to proclaim their financial success by proudly displaying the mass produced brand names in liquor and liquers it can afford.

29 04 2010
vivisection

So I shouldn’t keep my Laphroiag in the fridge then?

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

vivisection (13:30:09) asked: So I shouldn’t keep my Laphroiag in the fridge then?

One of the best features of Laphroiag is the liberal use of peat. Keeping it in the fridge would reduce the volatility of the oils and therefore you wouldn’t get the aroma experience while drinking. So while I imagine the fridge would keep a fairly constant temperature, you would need to bring up to room temperature before enjoying.

29 04 2010
vivisection

I don’t actually keep my Laphroaig in the fridge. It doesn’t last long enough for seasonal temp changes :)

29 04 2010
Jo

ha ha ha yes I do love the hypocrisy of males when they refer to soda mixed with a white spirit as “lolly water” but their coke and dark spirit is a manly, refined, strong, blah blah blah etc etc…its all spirits and sodas honey-pie

29 04 2010
j-ho

Should be a ‘small’ market, more genuine… Classic line though

6 01 2012
James Hunter

Turkey and cola? a Poultry remark sir !

29 04 2010
Shirley M

The word portmanteau is not used enough.

Wonderful post in both content and style.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Indeed Shirley. I think I can appreciate it on a higher level than you due to my higher degree in the Classics.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Perhaps, Fiona. However my ignorance of the capabilities of a higher intellect such as yours mean I don’t know what I am missing, thus my appreciation is as complete as yours, is a personal sense.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve accepted your station in life and don’t seek to rise above it. After all, unhappiness is the difference between expectation and reality.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Did you attain your benevolence as part of your degree, or is it ancestral?

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I think it’s ancestral. Noblesse Oblige and all that. Father and mother instilled it in me at a young age.

29 04 2010
Jason

Surely, Fiona, you mean “Pater and Mater”?

I would have thought referring to one’s parents as “Father and Mother” would be too frightfully common for someone of your upbringing…

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I used the local term, in deference to the audience.

29 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Actually Fiona’s parents like to be known as The Colonel and madam.

29 04 2010
brad

More likely Fr add Irish name (Murphey,O’Toole,ect) and Colleen.

30 04 2010
albert

Or hiding her true bogan nature, both were known as ‘the defendant’.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Again with the benevolence.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. As I said, Noblesse Oblige. Ingrained deeply. It’s like pater and mater (or the Colonel and Madam) glassed me with it when I was but a wee cu…rious lass.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
If one keeps briefs in a brief case what would one keep in a portmanteau?

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
wicked, the concepts of instilled and distilled almost toghether

30 04 2010
albert

Ah bogans.

Love having bullshit qualifications.

Which TAFE did you get your dimploma in Classics at?

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I always thought a portmanteau was a suitcase, or more properly a steamer trunk.
But I’m too busy composing one of my hilarious and witty posts (to appear below) to go and look it up.

29 04 2010
vivisection

Does anyone remember the premix vodka and orange in a cask – Nikov? Yes it sounds vaguely eastern european, however it hailed from New Zealand and was nail varnish remover combined with kiwi fruit juice. Truly horrific. I remember being a poor uni student and watching people trying to swallow this swill. Two sips in and gagging was induced, four sips and vomiting was certain. But we’d be damned before we saw that 4 litre cask and $5.75 wasted…. Now i stick to my bougie Gin and Scotches, no mix required

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Oh God, I remember. You have recalled a vivid memory of the bottle shop within walking distance of my University dwelling. Hideous.

29 04 2010
sweetbiscuit21

Vivisection, straight scotch is mothers’ milk, so long as it is a single malt!

Sadly this comment reminds me of my time working in a 5 star hotel many many years ago, and having some one-hit-wonder band staying. These idiots were ordering Chivas Royal Salut……..with Coke. The ultimate behaviour of the cashed-up-bogan.

29 04 2010
vivisection

Surely these crimes are mentioned somewhere in the Geneva Convention?

29 04 2010
gregbie

I am enjoying a wee dram of Jura at this very moment.

29 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

To truly appreciate bogue behaviour everyone should work in a bar at some stage of their life.

In my time, the classic bogue spirit was Jack Daniels. I used to love the blokes who’d come in and order Top Shelf mate, JD and Coke. (With braying about a big win at the TAB.) No worries mate, that’ll be an extra $3. Tons of ice, lots of sweet Coke and you won’t taste the difference between JD or Gnat Piss Bourbon, but who am I to judge…

Someone came in one night and ordered Bourbon and Branch. He thinking it was some kind of mixer, we puzzled. Turns out he’d watched Dallas and ‘branch’ is water from a tributary of a river high in the mountains and thus more pure. Or something. Aah the memories…

Personally, a whisper smooth Cognac late of a night is my heaven on a stick.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

True. I worked in a restaurant frequented by more monied folk and thus can verify that bogueism transcends earnings. I used to have to serve these f*cktards Hennessey and coke!? That is when I wasn’t serving them ‘wife beaters’ ‘rum n’ reals’ or ‘FNQ cocktails’.

29 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Ah, rum and real, I had forgotten that. That, my friend, is how you spot a true connoisseur

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. “Rum and real”. Expand upon this please… What is the “real” part (rum I know)?

29 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

It means the knuckledragger in question wants his coke from a can not from the post mix. Ie real coke.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. What’s “post mix”? I never realised the drinking habits of the bogue were so complicated.

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Everything the Bogan does is complicated Fi! :P

29 04 2010
Shirley M

‘Real’ coke. As in, out of the bottle rather than the post mix stuff.

Before you ask, post mix comes as syrup and is mixed with water and bubbles as it is sprayed from a hose type device.

29 04 2010
vivisection

I can only hope and assume that you spat in these drinks?

29 04 2010
Shirley M

You know, I never did.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I’ve decided to luncheon with a White Russian today Shirley. In your honour.

29 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Jesus Fi, an Afghan, now a white Russian, it’s a free for all in the Manse. No wonder Loftie wants to get in. Will you be using the couch again? I won’t tell The Colonel.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Lovely. Does your bar person know how to correctly mix this fine beverage? I’m happy to dispense advice, should it be required.

Oh and please don’t stop at just one, Fiona.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Hmmm, if this goes any further I may have to take up bowling!

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I believe so, but so long as it’s white and alcoholic, I wouldn’t know otherwise. I suppose I could look it up to be sure, but I can’t be bothered really.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

It’s important the the ingredients are correctly built. First ice – lots of it, then vodka, then kahlua, and topped up with milk. Do not stir.

Enjoy.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. You’ll know how successfully they were mixed by the amount of abiding I bring to the boards post meridian.

29 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

And I want that Afghan to be unmincurated please.

30 04 2010
albert

Oh the memories of working in a bar.
The drunk, wise old bogans telling you their life story and bigoted view on life.
The joy of it all.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Whoops, didn’t see your reply before I asked our young Glasser at Arms up there.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

I would make sure he is circumcised though

29 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

On a lighter note, the chef in the bar/restaurant I worked in (a well-known spot in Prahan), got incredibly peeved one night.

A bunch of boyos, monied but bogues, sent back their steaks. ‘Tell cookie it’s still wriggling and I wanted it dead,’ was the quote, or similar. These lads had been knobs all night long, but chucking the cash around, tipping the girls plenty of folding.

Cookie, generally a passive good-natured type, threw these steaks from one end of the kitchen to the other, bouncing them off fan grills and so on, then back on to the grill. We watched in fascinated horror as the now-cooked steaks went back out and the lads ate them.

I have never, ever complained about food, misbehaved or sent anything back in a restaurant. Ever. The memories, after 20 years, are still fresh. Unlike the steaks.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

The chef I worked with was the polar opposite of passive and good-natured. The stereotypical French c*nt chef. He frequently behaved appallingly. We had a lady complain that her steak was not cooked to order, and chef went out to the table, picked her steak up off the plate and whacked it into his hand emphatically while he spat abuse at her. He then threw the steak back down onto her plate and walked off.

And that’s the least interesting story about dear old chef.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Uh, was his name Anatole? He may well be in my employ now. :-(

29 04 2010
Shirley M

No it was not. I’m sure you can afford a far superior chef to the one in question, anyway.

29 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

Ha! Chefs are generally thought to be psychos aren’t they? This bloke was good fun; we shared many a laugh with him and the others in the after-hour staffies.

He invited me to go to his Tea Tree plantation in FNQ to help him cut the crop over summer. ‘You don’t mind snakes do ya? There’s a few of them up there.’

Christ.

30 04 2010
Benamin

Have you seen Lenny Henry’s Chef series? Hilarious (Well the first series is).

My wife says it may as well be a documentary (especially the first episode bit where the chef congratulates a staff member on their sauce).

Yes, it would appear that many chefs are psychos.

29 04 2010
SD

Fiona, I didn’t know you had pinched Anatole from Aunt Dahlia….

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Shhh, don’t tell her, but I’ve got the cow creamer too… ;-)

29 04 2010
SD

No more contributions to Milady’s Boudoir then I assume! Or having you set up with Bertie.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Indeed not. Dear Bertie, so sweet but so very dim.

29 04 2010
scottishlass

please stop using ‘scotch’ instead of whisky…it’s what the americans call it!

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

whiskey is a generic term which includes bourbon. Scotch is more specific.

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Isn’t there a distinction between whisky and whiskey?

30 04 2010
Julia

Whiskey with an ‘e’ is Irish, sans ‘e’ it is Scottish. Also, if you ever go to Scotland, never talk about “Scotch”. Sends the poor wee Scots lassies mental.

29 04 2010
Annette

Oh yes, I remember. Although the effects of drinking it, caused you not to remember much afterwards …

29 04 2010
vivisection

Until you tried to explain to the Dr how your throat lining was stripped red raw and why your blood sugar levels had reached diabetic levels on just 6 sips

29 04 2010
Jason

Oh dear…how very true.

Woe betide the person who gets between a bogan and a half-price Smirnoff Ice five minutes before the end of happy hour. With the maxxtreme 7.0% alcohol, drinking those solidly for any length of time can put even the most passive of bogans into a silica-based maelstrom of impatient fury if they can’t make it to the bar in time.

29 04 2010
Loftie

Been gone a while – sorry! :)

“The bogan is always ready to drink, and it likes its liquor and sugarwater to be the exact same way.” – TBL

Definately my quote of the day… So very true…

I can remember a premix drink (though can’t think of the name of it)… and it used to be a clear vodka/lemonade style drink, but it had a small tube hanging off the side of the bottle in a pretty colour…
The idea was that it was the ‘extra’ shot of booze/colour to make the drink more X-treme… But it didn’t last very long…

Can anyone remember what it was??

29 04 2010
Shirley M

I remember the bottles but have no idea what it was called.

29 04 2010
Miss B

I remember- they were called Stingers and they were the first alcoholic drink I ever consumed. Horrible stuff!

29 04 2010
Hannah

I believe it was called a ‘stinger’ or something similar – the only cool thing that kids from my part of the world would underage drink for a while, because it was way more maxtreme than a sub-zero or a stollie.

However we never managed to figure out how to effectively add that little colourful test tube into our drink. Possibly may be why the drink went out of fashion pretty quickly? After all, if underage kids can’t figure out how to drink it then it’s never going to be a huge marketing success.

29 04 2010
Antosha

AAAHHH !!! Sub-Zeros !! classic memories !!

30 04 2010
Loftie

Stingers is CORRECT! :)

I can see them now… spot on!

Thanks for the help guys! :)

29 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

watch a cardigan-clad Zooey Deschanel perform a duet with Tom Waits.

I will pay good money to see this, can they come to our commune. Who is in charge of entertainment?

Living in Queensland (Rockhampton) for a while (it’s ok I got out before I became infected) I always laughed at the bogans taking home their $80 carton of Bundy and coke when the bottle was on special for $35.

29 04 2010
pb

i’ll pay to watch that, too. and i do like to wear cardigans, but i’m female so that’s more normal and less hipster.

29 04 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

Did someone Zooey Deschanel?

30 04 2010
Benamin

Ooops. Sorry – that was me.

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

Simon, you are…Director of entertainment…Can we import some said hipster’s…they look like fun! :P

29 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Great post TBL!
I love that the cashed up bogue is so obvious because it makes it very easy to rip on them. The advertising playing into the bogans love of colour and movement as it was beautifully put in the post.
What I think is particularly funny is when the femme bogue goes on a diet and starts to drink the sugar free Cruisers or mixes their scotch with diet coke and starts barking about how she will do this for a couple of days and once the reflux gets too bad she will go back to the fully loaded maxtreme version.
I had one bogue telling me this like she had cracked the biggest weight loss secret in the history of f&#king weight loss.
I just sat there smiling and nodding.

(secretly wanting to glass the c@nt with the gunt)

29 04 2010
Shirley M

All the comments today seem to be harkening me back to my hospitality days. CUB men would come into the restaurant and inform me that they were on a low carb diet, so no bread or potatoes. In the same breath they would order a rum n’ real.

29 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

This Rum and real thing is cracking me up. There’s a difference between the syrup in the factory and the syrup, from the same company, in the post mix set up of course. Not.

Delusion, that’s the key to being a bogue!

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I think you may be on to something – the delusion that they’ve somehow stepped above their station in life seems to be the hallmark of the cashed up bogue.

29 04 2010
pb

this difference between post mix and other coke goes much deeper. i don’t drink coke but have a friend who is almost addicted (not like the aca 70 litres a week girl, though) who has his list of favoured types of coke, from glass bottle down to post mix. he even ranks the different sized plastic bottles – apparently it tastes different in a 2 litre bottle to a 1.25 litre.

29 04 2010
vivisection

Whenever i think of coke drinking i remember a horror story i saw on tv once ( soit must be true), that showed how guzzling freezing cold coke out of a can on a hot day, can rip open your throat lining? I cant recall the mechanics of it, but there was plenty of graphic detail in the dramatic re-enactments.

29 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

It’s the disconnect between reality and ‘what I want to believe’ that cracks me up.

I have a femme bogue client. Nice enough woman, but a constant battle with the bulge. We’ll have lunch occasionally and she knocks off a tuna salad, with mayo and a side of chips. Drinks cola, and orders Vienna Coffee (such a tough day). She’ll drive the three blocks to my office (i’m in a such a hurry) and spend 5 minutes finding parking. She’s bright enough to run a good business, so that’s not it. Maybe delusion is a pre-requisite for being bogue?

29 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

That is funny.
It has always been a joke ’round our way about people on a diet washing down the pizza and garlic bread with a diet coke.
It’s ok because it’s not real coke. Delusional!

29 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

CoCo pops and reduced fat milk.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Chocolate tart, icecream and a skinnychino.

29 04 2010
vivisection

Slighty off topic, but did you see the girl on ACA this week who drank 70 liters of diet coke a week – 10 litres a day – she hadnt had a glass of water for at least two years!! Tragic

29 04 2010
vivisection

oh and her mum had a tattoo of a rose on her tits.

29 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Tit tatts.

Ugh!

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Oh I did see that. And one could surmise that the coke zero consumption was the least tragic thing about her.

29 04 2010
the trav

i saw the ad for this and as i was going to still be at work i phone Mrs The Trav and asked her to tape it for me as I had to see this. Anyway it was so bad, it was entertaining, i watched it twice and cackled uncontrolable. my favorite line was ” i havn’t drinked (sic) a glass of water in over two years”
about five blogs on TBL, could be counted in this one story

29 04 2010
toony

O the humanity…

My brother sent this to me in an email, along with his favourite comment (language warning for the kiddies);

“What a fucking bogan family, mum has a skank tat on her tits and sounds like a pub mole,
the addict daughter can hardly speak properly, has herpes sores around her mouth and is a
fat ass diabetic with rotting teeth and the boyfriend looks like a shitkicker.
She is just lucky she spat out a trog so the rest of the country gets to pay for her to
drink Coke Zero all day.. ”
lol

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Allow me to correct you if I may? She hadn’t “drinken” a glass of water in at least two years.

29 04 2010
vivisection

or used a toner or had her roots done for at least two years.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And if she didn’t spend all that money on Coke Zero, she’d be able to spend quality time with her kids – at the movies.

29 04 2010
Will S
29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Indeed.

29 04 2010
vivisection

why thank you!

29 04 2010
the trav

thought TT would be a bit lowbrow for you Fi??? any way dinken or drinked, it was quality entertainment..

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I believe it was on ACA, however, I take your point. I put a call out via my Twitter account for the video, as it was so obviously special. Or rather, speshul.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

dinkum ?

29 04 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Funny the reporter was so confused as to what past participle to use that he finally settled for “had”.

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Viv, that was a televisual train wreck – I actually made a point of watching it.

The Coke-swilling swamp donkey; her dim-witted, tracky-bedacked, beef-begutted Beloved; inked-up nanna with Nikko’ed eyebrows; and unfortunately-named child…oh, and the wilderbeest had given Beloved a black eye after he tried to prise a bottle away from her gaping maw.

The only thing that stood between me and paroxysms of hysterical laughter was the thought that our tax dollars are supporting this pack of pointless cretins. And paying for the coke.

29 04 2010
Tombarina

*beer-begutted*

29 04 2010
vivisection

i liked beef gutted! It seemed almost appropriate

29 04 2010
vivisection

at least it should be a short life , her kidneys are f*cked and she’s pre-diabetic already – shouldn’t be too long.

29 04 2010
Will S

Yet, she had a fairly high level of self awareness for her type, like she fully understood the consequences of her actions… yet chooses to continue, n no one tries to help her, lol

29 04 2010
vivisection

She got her 15mins on ACA though. I’m sure the potential promise of a follow up story will keep her at it a bit longer. The glory!

By the way Tombarina, I am still snickering at “Coke swilling swamp donkey” – gold

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

snicker away viv!
you’re on fire buddy. making my day here!

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Will, I think you’ve missed the point. The GUMMINT should be in there, proactively helping her.
There should be some sort of rehabogatation clinic – free, natch – where she can mingle with other addiction “victims” and attention whores, have her “problem” fixed, get some new tits and a spray tan, meet Richard Wilkins and/or Sonya Kruger, and leave in a Hummer.
From memory, I believe it was Mum McTatts who asked “Who’s going to help her”? Ummmmm….you, Mum? When you’ve finished inkin’-up your other boob?
I really don’t like these people. Not one little McSausage.

29 04 2010
vivisection

We could get the gummint funding to run this rehab clinic. Lure them in with a flashy ad, get them to sign over their pensions and dole, put her and mum in a shared pen and wait until the caffeine, sugar, attention seeking addiction wears off. Put them in a few short courses that have the same format as shows on the telly. Wait until they drop out of the shortcourse – 6- 8 hours and pop them back in the hummer and send them back to the pigpens they came from.

29 04 2010
Tombarina

You, Viv, are a thinker. Truly, a man for all seasons.
That’s splendid!

29 04 2010
James Hunter

You may be able to enlist the help of centerlink. They could provide a constant source of boag bodies and you could pick up the training allowance for the short courses.
BUT wait theres more, no not steak nives, how about getting bulk money from the international drug companies in return for supplying these boag bodies for experimental purposes?

29 04 2010
vivisection

Centrelink involvement is a great idea. Todays Dole Diary

“Dear Doll Direy, tuday i drinken 10 litres of Coke Zero on the poorch. Nah jobs. Excited abowt rehab wif mum tomurra”

Tomorrow

“Dear Doll Direy, tuday i sat in a pen and screamed at mum and the gummint for coke zero. Was distracted by mandatory root bleaching short course. Meybe tomurra i get job, mebye”

29 04 2010
vivisection

imagine the experiments. I would happily squirt bleach in her eyes if there was a chance some would hit those roots. And it might save a bunny from inhumane treatment.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. That is truly marvellous Viv. <3

30 04 2010
Will S

That sounds like a brilliant idea for a new Ch9 series. You should forward it to them.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Haven’t they done that? With the slow-witted Paxton sibs?

30 04 2010
vivisection

The Paxtons were portrayed as lazy no hopers, i would pitch “Coke Zero Rehab” with a Medical Miracle / Hope angle miXXed with a Pity the Victim of Gummint bad policy angle. Bogan hearts would soon warm to her and tune in to watch her slow but sure progress…

29 04 2010
the trav

remember mars bars lite (half the calories), not sure if they are still around, but was in the supermarket and over heard a largish fem-boge state to her friend

“look these mars bars have half the calorioes, that means I can eat two instead of one”

29 04 2010
Miss B

I’ll drink diet coke with takeaway food (I normally drink it over full strength anyway) but I’m under no illusion that it magically makes the rest of the calories disappear! On the odd occasion we do order a pizza etc I’d just prefer not to add the extra calories on top of the crap I’m already consuming.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

given the toxic amounts of phenylalynine (sp?) in those drinks, and the effect they have on the digestive system, I would suspect they actually do prevent the food remaining in your system long enough for your body to extract any calories from them.

Maybe the bogues are on to something?

30 04 2010
Benamin

Interesting….

I think there is a paper in that one.

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

It’s based on my beer research. Beer may contain many calories, but it doesn’t stay with you long enough for them to be extracted by the body. So bottoms up, I say.

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

i spent 10 years on the Macca’s circuit, and we would KILL ourselves laughing every time Lady Fat Bogan would order a large quarter pounder meal, large chocolate sundae and large Diet Coke. And then being asked WITHOUT FAIL, “Are you’se sure that’s a diet coke?” I have the same amount of hatred for people who order skinny soy decaff latte…

29 04 2010
Persephone

Lemon meringue pie with cream and a skinny cappuccino…with Equal. I swear it’s true.

29 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

It’s just sad really.
It’s probably because they can’t get hammered on potatoes.

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

vodka

29 04 2010
the trav

mmm $20 for a 6 pack of jimmy cans or $30 for a 700 ml bottle and a bottle of coke? mmmmmm, descisions, decisions…..

29 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

I just remembered the ultimate nouveau Bogue experience.
The premixed alcohol themed party!!
It would be the axis of bogue.
Can you imagine it?
The room filled with orange folk wearing Ed Hardy, power balance bands, tribal tattoos and clinging to their Louis Vuitton bags. The room filled with the latest celebrity fragrance competing with the Lynx Effect and the bogues screaming indie rock choruses, in between some Aussie Hip Hop and maybe finishing the night off with some M.I.A.
Before heading home for some xtreme anal.

*Glass*
*donkey punch*

29 04 2010
vivisection

Don’t forget Jugs of Illusions for $5 on mid week ladies night. Oh hang on that’s most nightclubs in regional towns right now

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. “Jugs of illusions” – what are they? Push up bras?

29 04 2010
vivisection

Midori and pineapple juice i believe. In a jug, giving the illusion of tropical class and splendor.

29 04 2010
vivisection

or chicken fillets

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Oh Edna, the horror, the horror.

Remember back in the day when there were Melrose parties at pubs? You’d pay $12 or so for all you could drink champagne and all you could eat pizza. Maybe they could renew this concept with Underbelly and pre-mixed drink parties? Or even Hey Hey?

At least the rest of us could feel safe in the knowledge of knowing where all the bogans were.

29 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

What happened to good old fashioned toga parties? That’s what I want to know.

Good old-fashioned binge drinking followed by a full Sunday’s worth of headache, recriminations and walks of shame. Kids of today…

29 04 2010
Shirley M

UQ threw an O-week toga party this year for the first time in years. They had cancelled them due to the high instances of rape. Well this year, some dude fell off a balcony or out of a window or something and died, and took the toga party with him.

29 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Hohohohoho
Yes I do, So tragic.
I like the Underbelly theme. It would almost double as a Pimps and Ho’s party, with a real Sexpo feel.

I’m with you feeling safe in the knowledge that the bogues have been contained for at least one night.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Edna,
after all that I doubt there be room for anal !

29 04 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

Never went to a ‘premixed alcohol themed party’ but similar, went to a spirits party whereby you had to bring a bottle of spirits and a mixer. They had several cocktail books and by the end of the night you can guess what happens…

*Glass*
*donkey punch*
*tea bagging*

2 05 2010
Pinky Has A Brain

LMAO – Thanks Edna you just made my day!

29 04 2010
pb

off topic, but did everyone catch the latest uniting of bogan forces with some actor from the latest underbelly winning cleo’s bachelor of the year competition?

29 04 2010
Chairman Miaow

You’ve been to Ivy haven’t you! Admit your crimes, then do the time!

This is any Friday night in Sydney CBD. Young office CUBs hitting King St Wharf and howling at the moon by 10pm. Then complaining like buggery there’s no cabs to take them home.

Apparently the cabbies get a bit sick of hosing the breezer and slippery nipple vomit out of the back of the cab.

29 04 2010
Andrew

The thing I’d like to know, is seriously, how difficult is it to buy a bottle of spirits, and a bottle of coke \ lemonaide \ other flavoured softdrink, and mix the two together…

It costs the same as a sixpack of alcopops, it is far more likely to get one hammered, and making one’s drink a quadruple shot is far easier.

Besides you know that the vodka used in those alcopop drinks is not the $100 a bottle variety, it is more like the $5 out of the plastic bottle type, because lets face it, your probably not a vodka connoisseur (and thus probably can’t tell the difference) if you like your vodka mixed with so much sugar that you can’t be sure if your drunk or just on a sugar high after drinking it.

29 04 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

One word, or three or an abbreviation for you, UDL.

29 04 2010
Antosha

I can assure you that very few of the locals in my neck of the woods (Vodka country) can tell the difference either! And here they don’t mix vodka with ANYTHING. It is to be drunk straight.. with a chaser of a pickled vegetable of some kind.

29 04 2010
A-Bomb

RTD’s were called “girly drinks” when I was in high school. Mostly coz the only drinkable ones were Stoli lemon ruskis, and a guy wouldn’t be seen dead drinking them.
Us guys and girls had the art of mixing bourbon and coke and vodka and whatever down to a fine art (or so we thought).
CUB’s today are just lazy. Pfft…pre-mixed drinks, they probably couldn’t handle a half bourbon, half coke mix anyway.

I’m still partial to a massive can of Red Bear. Cheap, sugary, and shamelessly lacking in class.

29 04 2010
Jason

When I was in high school in the 80’s, the only RTD I can recall was something called a West Coast Cooler that all the girls would slam down before the Yr 12 Formal (us sophisticated gents stuck to Strongbow Dry or if we were really “cool”, an actual beer).

To this day I have no idea if they were supposed to be a kind of fortified wine or a spirit…all I know is they were tiny, sweet, and induced an incredibly bad taste in your mouth if you were “lucky” enough to pash the aforementioned girls.

29 04 2010
vivisection

West Coast Coolers and Peach Coolers were girly in my day. To be sophisticated we would steal the parents blue curacao and mix with lemonade ourselves. Or get into the creme de menthe – like f#cking toothpaste.

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Oh sweet baby Jesus – I’d forgotten about blue Vok & lemonade.

West Coast Coolers were “upmarket” – so much classier than the plebby Island Coolers. And let’s not forget Passion Pop and its evil, ill-begotten mutant cousin, Sparkling Mango. The only thing that sparkled after a couple of those bad boys was your colon.

29 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

I’m disappointed, TBL. Today’s entry would have the reader believe that bogans care what they drink. They don’t have that level of discernment, imho.

They’d drink cat’s pee dripping off a gooseberry bush if it was bottled.

On the contrary, the bogan is highly discerning, and will always pretend to know more about booze than it actually does. Label and alcohol colour/content are central to the decision-making process, however, rather than flavour or texture. Wait till we get stuck into wine tours for more details. TBL

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

gooseberries?
yuk!

29 04 2010
SD

Isn’t that an existing wine?! Mind you, I have always wanted to try it!

Oh and what’s up with today’s tags?! can’t say cocksucking on tv-hmmmm

29 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

I’ve no idea if it already exists, it’s just something my gran used to say.

29 04 2010
29 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

Well, will you look at that!

29 04 2010
pb

i think what they care about, sibyl, is a shiny brand label.

29 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

Yes, Sibyl pee dripping off a hydrangea could sell if the label was groovy enough, I suppose.

29 04 2010
vivisection

Can we call it “Sibyl’s Bush”
“Multiple personalities resonate from this gold class micturation. Holding her water and then filtering through the spring buds of a hydrangea bush creates a crisp, cheeky drop with hint of asparagus and a light curry aroma. Carb free, Sybil’s Bush is a perfect drop for all occasions”

29 04 2010
Tombarina

*snort, titter, applause*

Do a cross-promo with Ed Hardy and get Erin ‘No Visible Purpose’ McNaught to front an ad campaign heavy on the double entendre, and you’re home’n’hosed.

29 04 2010
vivisection

“Doesn’t your mum deserve Sybil’s Bush this Mothers day?”

29 04 2010
Sybil Ince

Hmm, reminds me of a man I once knew who rather enjoyed when I… well, nevermind.

As long as the label artwork will be more ‘representative’ than realistic, I’m reaching for a two litre bottle of spring water as we speak :-)

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

hydrangea?
yuk!

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Wine tours! Fabulous.

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

During a sabbatical from my real life I was heavily involved with a backpacker’s bar (one of those ‘working hostels’ in a farming town) in NQ around the turn of the century. It was like a war zone. The horror of fat local boguettes flashing their vile tits and cruiser blue stained teeth and tongues at english boys who would f#ck anyone in a skirt anyway still wakes me up screaming in the middle of the night. The local farmboys were of the opinion that anyone who didn’t fight on Rum (Bundy of course) was a coward.
Top selling non packaged drink was a rum and coke (known colloquially as a Rumbo), second top seller was a Double Rum and Coke. I understand the whole sickly mess is now delivered in post mix.
At the time the RTD bacardi breezer was the top mover, backpacking chavs demonstrated a proclivity for Archers Scnapps premix from memory. Reps were always wont to push this stuff hard, so it was always easy to screw some pretty sweet promo deals from them. And oh! the merchandise. Bogues are utter wood ducks for this shit.
Bogans define themselves by their brands ne c’est pas?
Notwithstanding the points raised by TBL in regard to this current alcoholic phenomenon, coca cola may be much to blame as anything else. “Coke branding is an industry in itself as has been covered above. Bogues love effing Coke. IMHO drinking ANYTHING “and coke” is bogan. (Old mother bloodfart taught me as a young gent that if one is not prepared to drink one’s tipple neat, one should not be drinking it. I believe the english window cleaner she was screwing behind my father’s back taught her that. Mixers should serve to enhance one’s drink not mask it.)
Bogue loyalty to their preferred premix is baffling. Jim Beam v Jack Death is a rivalry to rival even the ford v holden rivalry. Why anyone would prefer either over the cheaper Woodies and Cougars in the massive cans baffles me, since the object of the exercise is merely to get hammered and they all taste the same. Maybe it just looks classier to be face down in your own vomit surrounded by those cool looking black cans. I always thought the JD label had a certain “Je ne sais qois”
As a dedicated and experienced psychonaut I despise drunkenness as a consciousness altering experience. Perversely, I love alcohol.
It’s a fine line and a heavy cross.

29 04 2010
martin

Woodies are bloody awful. The coke is like some sort of cheap no frills type and there’s such a pissy amount of bourbon in them, all you get is a dry mouth and that wired up feeling from all the caffiene.

Cougars aren’t too bad. Beams are a bit nicer, then JD, then Wild Turkey. Sometimes I don’t mind grabbing a can before I start my beer drinkening.

A guy at the bottlo told me that the bourbon companies are wearing the hit with the alcopop tax to keep the cost much the same. Must be big biz!

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Chub, you’ve just encapsulated my formative years as a young’un growing up in the bush.

There’s a world of truth to the lines: “If you won’t fight on rum, you won’t fight on anything”, and “Rumbos: making gekkos think they’re gators since 1872″.

I grew up during the peak of the B&S ball, where the only bevvies at the drink-till-he/she’s-shaggable bar were rum, scotch and beer. Spirits were dispensed into plastic cups from a sheep-drench backpack; mixers were highly optional. Beer – ONLY heavy – came in cans which were be shotgunned – ie, shake the hell out of it, stab a hole in bottom, then pull the tab.

It wasn’t pretty and it certainly wasn’t elegant, but there was a certain lack of pretension about the whole shebang. And while I’ve seen fights and attempted glassings galore in more recent years, I only ever saw one blue at a B&S. Maybe because out of 500 ballgoers, you probably knew 300 of them? Could also explain the off-the-chart shagging. Maybe that’s why there were so few fights – because everyone was getting their end in?

Discuss.

29 04 2010
vivisection

now they get run over in their sleeping bags by some nuff nuff doing donuts at dawn

29 04 2010
Tombarina

That was going on back in the day – known as ‘circlework’ or ‘the dawn chorus’.
Come to think of it, I knew a couple who were run over while going at it hammer’n’tongs, but only their ankes were broken. And they both fronted for the picnic races three weeks later, crutches and all.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Lucky one of them didn’t get a crushed head.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

LOL

29 04 2010
vivisection

shameless

29 04 2010
Shirley M

That tale sounds familiar to me.

Where did this happen?

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Western Darling Downs, early 1990s.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

I’ve been to one B&S and agree that it’s all about getting rat arsed drunk and shagging anyone who is willing, probably in the back of a ute with a ‘no fat chicks’ sticker on it. I don’t recall any fights at the one I went to. They were such big events in the country, and I think everyone was so excited and happy to be there that the fighting just didn’t come into it. That’s more of a normal Saturday night out kind of thing.

When I was just a wee child, my uncle, who would have been about 13, was riding his bike on a muddy dirt road passed the site of a B&S the morning after the big event. A set of false teeth flew up and hit him in the head when he rode through a puddle. He brought them home and sterilised them and walked about with them in his mouth for days. I think he still has them.

29 04 2010
Tombarina

I see no reason to disbelieve you.
I personally know three people who picked up random crap at B&Ss, and are still married to them 20 years later.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Tombarina,
Thank you, I have been trying to tell people that no longer does penicillin get rid of everything that you can pick up!!

30 04 2010
Your Mother

ahahahahaha I love it

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I only ever went to one B&S. At crookwell if memory serves. I was only there to drop some stuff off and din’t stay long. The rumbos were premixed in garbage bins, one availed ones self with the enamel mug which also doubled as one’s ticket of entry. Most punters I saw had brought back up supplies anyway. The focal point was a church hall but bacchanal and revelry were evident at all points of the compass. I witnessed a public sex act (in the back of a ute naturally), and observed a group of young men trying to propel streams of beery vomit into each other’s mouths from a distance. They called it pelican drinking. I left when I realised the band was playing country.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Ha! The false teeth tale I told was set in Laggan – just outside of Crookwell.

29 04 2010
vivisection

Its funny how rum is most popular in sugar cane growing districts – like the smell of molasses in the air isn’t enough? I lived near sugar mills as a youth and cant bear the smell of rum or and other molasses addled crap.

29 04 2010
Sibyl Ince

I can empathise. Two weeks in Greece put me off olive oil for life.

29 04 2010
Peter

Drinking alcohol is a particularly bogan thing to do. It ranks with eating supermarket sausages.

29 04 2010
vivisection

and cheese sticks

29 04 2010
Shirley M

You really are quite odd, aren’t you?

29 04 2010
vivisection

It was only when i stopped smoking pot three years ago that anyone noticed.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Not you, Viv. Peter.

Though you’re a little odd too – in an endearing sort of way. ;)

29 04 2010
vivisection

3 years but the paranoia hasn’t stopped.

29 04 2010
Tombarina

We LOVE Viv-oddidness.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

And your an example of what both do to intellect

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

James Hunter (14:30:54) said: “And your an example of what both do to intellect”

Ordinarily I don’t care whether people understand the difference between your and you’re, but when they’re commenting on someone else’s intellect it gets a bit rich. Pot, kettle – you know the rest.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

well u c i thought u common enough for common usage

29 04 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

Know girls who starve themselves all week on their new diet, squeeze themselves into last years fashion, go out on Saturday night and smash 9 pre-mixers. About 1300 Calories and 360g of carbs. All followed up with greaseball burgers another 600 calories and 60g of carbs at 3am and then greaseball booty call at 5am .

“Why cant I lose weight or find a serious relationship!?!?”

29 04 2010
Tracy Rimjaw

Next post will be about bogue’s arguing which part of the world the best steak comes from.

Bogans even made a website dedicated to finding the cheapest drinks in your area! Yes, yours!

http://www.boozle.com.au/

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Oh, I hope not. A good steak is a thing of beauty, and is not to be mocked in any fashion. That includes bogue-association.

Plus, I’m away for the next two weeks, and won’t be around to defend the mighty fruit’o’th’cow. TBL, no steak debate, please!!!

29 04 2010
James Hunter

One of the dangers of premixes that does not appear to have been aired yet is that of the combination of Caffine and Alchol. These two potentiate each other, so in simple terms for devils advocate and peter, the alcohol makes the effects of caffine ,particularly on blood pressure and ability to sleep, much greater and the caffine makes the effects of alcohol on co ordination more pronounced.
The caffine makes em fee OK even though they are actually more over the limit then otherwise might be.
Absolute invite to road accident disasters and unprovoked glassings.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

In simple terms for you, James Hunter, you don’t spell it “caffine” or “Alchol”. Sure, you will claim “Alchol” was a typo, but “caffine” appeared twice. I’m guessing third grade was the toughest four years of your life.

29 04 2010
vivisection

boring

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Not to mention futile.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. And rather nasty. :-(

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

hear hear.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Devils lame brain,
thank u so much for your proof reading. I do wonder if you have anything sensible to say about the topic that i raised?
Just one or two sensible words from you would be a fine start. who knows . You may even get to like making sensible comments.If only you would make a start.

29 04 2010
Antosha

here here James.

29 04 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter, a mixed drink for you means putting ice in your empty baked beans tin of metho.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Peter,
You could learn from me though’
always leave the lid attached to the can on one edge. That way you can fold it back down to keep the flies out AND it stops the ice comming out in a rush when you put your head right back.
enjoy

29 04 2010
vivisection

I mix my metho with milk and call it a “white Lady ” myself

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Soft.

Mainlining it the only way to go.

29 04 2010
vivisection

on special occasions i put it in the soda syphon, carbonate it and call it a “methenama” – birthdays, christmas and the like..

29 04 2010
vivisection

apologies already

29 04 2010
Tombarina

A little bit of vommy just came up.

Note to self: NO significant holidays to be celebrated at Viv’s.

29 04 2010
vivisection

its ok, i have a visitors siphon.

29 04 2010
vivisection

i’m not uncouth

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
my god i need to be more carefull reading your comments
first time through I thought that you said “Meth enema”

29 04 2010
vivisection

what its ok to do it with champagne but not metho?

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
It was the enema bit had me worried,
like a metho enema
man that would “light your fire”

29 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

my internal rectal sphincter just puckered.

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
he could leave some of the been sauce in the can and make a cheap bloody mary?

29 04 2010
Peter

Oh, James Hunter, your geographical, fly-ridden background (aka Armidale) has very few similarities with Sydney. Therefore ease up passing on your maxtreme bushman’s learnings. We use glasses in the traditional way.

29 04 2010
Peter

vivisection, that’s as close as you get to any lady. Or being one.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Anyone that drinks Laphroaig can’t be all bad.

29 04 2010
vivisection

With me being a big homo, you are probably right. As for wanting to be a lady, I’ve put on a frock before a fooled smarter people than you .

29 04 2010
vivisection

So, who else needs their Storm Premiership tattoos removed?

29 04 2010
Peter

Maybe it’s a symbol for the contradiction you spent your life struggling with, vivsection. As they say on Oxford Street (or so I am reliably informed): “you never know…”

29 04 2010
vivisection

what? Haven’t you seen someone change a topic before? However seeing as your interest has been piqued. My life in no way , shape or form has ever been a contradiction. I came out as gay at 18 yrs and am now 37, never for a moment have i felt attracted to a woman. If i did, I would end or renegotiate my ten year monogamous relationship and explore it, in a heart beat . I hold no regard for your hetero-normative gender definitions or roles, or care for your hearsay about oxford street. Although i have tattoos of flames up one leg and 8 birds up the other, a zipper down my spine and safety pins up my inner arm, I don’t actually have a Storm tattoo, premiership or otherwise.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Bravo Viv!

See… he’s odd.

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

Just what is your effing problem?
So far you’ve had a shot at the village idiot, the town drunk, and now our token homo.
Your daddy really gave it to you bad huh?

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Chub, if it’s OK with you, I’ll take “village idiot” and you and James can share “town drunk”.
Unless I remain the “repressed, poor, born-again Christian” which Peter wittily nailed me as last week. Although, I am quite poor…..

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

or we could all be poor drunk village idiots?

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Sounds like a plan. Gay poor drunk village idiots. Viv’ll be in.

Peter, suffer in your jocks.

29 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

Count me in too.
Yeah Peter, double suffer in your jocks!

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

umm
since Edna and I are outed as marriedies we will have to be Bi, poor, drunk village idiots.

I’m also a bit lefty…

29 04 2010
Tombarina

I’m a quasi-married shackeduperie. And breeder.

Happy to crossdress…..

This is all starting to look a lot like the commune from last week!

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

ok.
so we have a polysexual, impoverished, intoxicated, commune of lackwit breeders who may cross dress at times,

and who hate bogans.
…could work!

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Chubby,
I do not want to get too disapointed or stressed out so can I just be the drunk? After all we all have to be good at something.

30 04 2010
vivisection

I’m there, I’ll bring the metho for special occasions. Make room in the fridge for the Laphroiag. Who’s bringing the coke zero?

30 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Can I be the ex country, not really hip, hetro, mostly middle leaning glass expert?

30 04 2010
pb

i’m reasonable with a sewing machine, so i’m more than happy to come up with some sort of commune uniform/national costume/crossdressing dress.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Depends how “ex-country” – you can take the banjo out of the boy and all that…
But, as long as you don’t play the spoons or throw a leg over your cousin, don’t see why not ;-)

30 04 2010
vivisection

Splade playing however is encouraged.

30 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

I’m not from Tassie if that is what you mean Tom.

30 04 2010
Tombarina

Just checking, Simon. Just checking.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Simon if from tassie Viv would have said
Splayed playing ? thinks, thinks again or is it playing while splayed ?

29 04 2010
Peter

But can you serve peas with a spoon and fork?

29 04 2010
vivisection

No, i use sporks

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
They used to be called “Splades” and you can still buy them ! like a spoon with little short prongs on the end.
I still use ours all the time as they are excellent for squeezing tea bags against the inside of the mug.

29 04 2010
vivisection

I thought a splade is spoon/knife combo, while a spork is a spoon/fork combo. I don’t drink tea, but I would consider a splade for premiership tattoo removal though. If i had one.

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

I effing love splades!
I have one genuine splade left.
the greatest invention since the speed nip.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

You need to use the reply function, otherwise no one can understand what you’re talking about. Although in your case, I don’t think it will make much difference.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. We have one person who appears to fire off random missives and another who uses the reply function correctly but prefaces his with a full history of who he’s replying to.

How odd the lesser people are.

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

Better to be accused of being a lesser person than to clothe one’s social aspirations in such a thin facade. While I begrudge nobody their aspirations (indeed, it’s what makes the world go ’round) I do begrudge those aspirants their laziness. You cannot run around drinking cheap booze mixed with kahlua and other insipid liquers, and at the same time purport to look down on others.

Truly, fiona, between the mixing of drinks and the displaying of liquors in the living areas, your bogan roots are showing through your grocery-store-bottle dye job. Do try to lift your game.

29 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Who said the cabinetry of my spirituous liquors were held in a living area?

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Fi,
He thinks, living area, ? Probably can not get his mind above the surrounds of the squallid diggs he inhabits.

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

How silly of me. I should have realised “cabinetry” was a euphemism for the corner liquor store. Someone of your social status couldn’t afford to have money tied up in idle liquor.

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

…and jesus christ!
here’s another idiot having a go at the whole fiona thing.
what the f#ck with you idiots?

what is it about (percieved or otherwise) pretensions to grandeur which pushes the buttons on you people?

FYI
a quick reading of TBL history will reveal someone pops in here about fortnightly to take umbrage with fiona of toorak.
Guess what?
she’s still here.
if you don’t get it, let it go.

sick of reading thru this crap every week.

30 04 2010
vivisection

As the great (in numerous ways these days) Boy George once said, at the beginning of “Do you really want to hurt me”, “Popularity Breeds Contempt”. Fiona is a victim of her own success. As long as she doesn’t end up looking like Boy George (fat , bald and in an orange prison jumpsuit), i think she will survive.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Indeed I shall. I’m indestructible!

30 04 2010
vivisection

Looking at Boy George, i suspect he may be indestructible also.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Well, he’s pushing himself to the very limits of his destructibility though.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Boy George is like Corelle dinnerware.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. What’s that?

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Corelle is extremely durable dinnerware. See here for more details:

http://www.corelle.com/index.asp?pageId=34

If you drop a plate, there’s a 95% chance it will bounce. If it does happen to break, though, it will shatter into millions of tiny pieces. Furthermore, It comes in a range of gaudy patterns.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Dear me. And people eat food of this “material”? Suitable for plastic cutlery only I assume too.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Oh no you can use real cutlery. When I say real, I mean made out of metal, not silver, as yours would be.

I think Corelle is most popular with students, alcoholics, clumsy people and those with naughty, destructive offspring.

30 04 2010
vivisection

Does it tie up male prostitutes and hoover up drugs like truffle pig as Boy George does though?

30 04 2010
Shirley M

Well, no.

Thanks for crapping on my analogy. ;)

30 04 2010
vivisection

sorry. I don’t think the analogy is ruined though. Not everything can tie up prostitutes and behave like a drug pig. It does look like they both see a lot of food though.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

And bounce when they’re dropped

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
I always thought it was “Familiarity Breeds Contempt”
but with Boagans it is simply
“Familiarity Breeds”

30 04 2010
vivisection

I like that, I can see it on a faux coat of arms – like the type bogues buy at shopping centres – “discover your family coat of arms” – because you are special.
The coat of arms would be a large X with a donkey punch picture in one corner, a pandora bracelet in another, a balinese flag in the other and a daryl summers cariacature in the other. With Familiarity Breeds in extreme font across the top, maybe some tribal artwork around the edges.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Surely there’s room for “contempt” in there somewhere?

30 04 2010
vivisection

wouldn’t it be assumed? On the non-bogue viewers part at least

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

chubbybloodfart (21:23:32) said: what is it about (percieved or otherwise) pretensions to grandeur which pushes the buttons on you people?

What pushes the buttons is the laziness. If you are going to construct a supposedly humourous, contrived blog persona, then you could at least put in the effort to make it a somewhat accurate or even ironic caricature of the social group you are attempting to send up. Fiona could attempt to have *some* knowledge of the “upper classes”.

When you attempt said caricature, and it ends up portraying the exact same characteristics as the bogan it is attempting to deride, it’s just not funny. Well, certainly not up to the standards of the TBL blog as a whole.

If it was an attempt at irony, then it would fine. But it’s clearly not, it’s just a failed attempt at portraying what an outsider imagines upper-middle class people to be like.

In summary, you can’t spell “artifice” without “art”.

30 04 2010
vivisection

but you can spell asperger’s syndrome without “get over it”

30 04 2010
vivisection

I’m off to meet a bank manager – might be more interesting, see ya’ll later!

30 04 2010
vivisection

it wasnt

30 04 2010
Simon - Glasser at Arms

Do you guys tag team on trying to prove Fi is a bogan. Move on dude.
*glass*

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. It’s just jealousy. They don’t like it when one of their betters comes in and shines a light on their pretensions.

30 04 2010
Benamin

You are 100% Correct. Yes she drops character frequently and is wildly inconsistent.

It’s pointless saying it though as it’s part of her persona to simply be able to fob off/ignore everything, she seems to have way too much time, and pretty much nobody else cares. So, you (like me) will need to learn to put up with it in order to enjoy the other commentary that goes on here.

The only time I really care is when she gets offensive, which she can for time to time. On the plus side she often is either amusing, or provokes amusing responses.

Also, please don’t pick on James Hunter for his spelling/grammar. He has mentioned in the past that he is dyslexic, so you need to cut him some slack on that aspect of his posts. I’m sure you know that dyslexia doesn’t mean stupid (regardless of what Fiona says).

Thanks for commenting BTW – you seem to have a fair bit to contribute in many areas.

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

If Fiona is allowed to perpetuate the persona of the archetypal entitled noveau riche heiress (or the true blue-blood, although the latter is even further outside the scope of her ability) then surely I am allowed to play the role of the bogue, standing on top of the bar pointing at Fiona and loudly chanting “one of us, one of us!”

30 04 2010
James Hunter

devils wanker,
stick to playing the arse hole since you excell at it

30 04 2010
Benamin

And indeed you are. However it just doesn’t do any good, and you are wasting your time. As chubby put, people rise up and have a jab at Fiona week after week and nothing happens. I’m pretty sure she enjoys the attention, she is a troll after all.

You also seem to have good stuff to say, but keeping up this will mean that anything you do say will be met with derision regardless of subject manner by those who have learnt to tolerate her (and are annoyed by the back and forth) or those who support her. And your voice is lost in the noise.

Fiona is Fiona. Nobody is going to be able to change that but Fiona (if that is her real name) herself (if she actually is female).

It’s a dead horse.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Oh hush Benjamin. DA is not aware that better women than her have tried and failed. Where’s the fun in it for me if she fails so soon?

30 04 2010
Benamin

Don’t hush me!

*glove slap*

Hmmm. Strangely enjoyable that. Different to a glassing, but more suited to your supposed position.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Pistols at dawn sir! I use the south lawn for duelling purposes.

30 04 2010
Shirley M

The difference is that Fiona’s ‘persona’ exists in and of itself. Your ‘persona’ exists in and of Fiona’s.

30 04 2010
martin

The bogue and the libtard are both useful idiots.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Useful_idiot

It’s no wonder Fiona is delirious.

30 04 2010
Edna Focke-Witte

It’s good to see you back on topic Marty!
I thought you had forgotten about the libtards for a while. :D

30 04 2010
martin

It’s a bit hard to forget about them with Fairfax, the ABC and internet forums/blogs still running strong. :)

29 04 2010
Peter

You need to use the reply function, otherwise no one can understand what you’re talking about. Although in your case, I don’t think it will make much difference.

Around here? That’s why i don’t use it. Try and keep up. ‘It’s not hard’. Surely you have given cause for those three words to be directed at you many times in the past.

29 04 2010
Shirley M

Are you talking to me?

29 04 2010
vivisection

or was it the actress talking to the bishop?

29 04 2010
James Hunter

Viv,
Definitely Splade/spoon+fork
could be used for tattoo removal or for DIY tattoos ?

Now “the actress said to the Bishop”
Is that anyhting like “the pope said to the alter boy”?

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

different movie.

29 04 2010
reparty

Ahhhh, if only you could all have seen what I’ve seen in last 15 years, this is too fucking easy.

“How much ya fuckin Woody cans? 15 bucks, fuckin’ cheaper on the Northside”

“How much ya Jimmy cans bra? 15 bucks, fuckin you blokes are dear for piss”

“How much ya rumbos? 20 bucks, fuckin cheaper down the road.”

“How much for a slab of Turkey cans? Fuckin’ cheaper in Ipswich mate”

“Youse got the new pink Cruisers? Fuckin hell, I’ll get the guavas”

“Why don’t youse have the new Midori flavour? How about them absinthe drinks? Fuckin hell”

FUCK EM ALL.

29 04 2010
Tombarina

Rep, are you having flashbacks to a bottle-o in Brisbane’s luxurious southern suburbs?

30 04 2010
martin

I once had an elder bogan accusing me of identity theft simply because he was using eftpos.

30 04 2010
reparty

Tombarina…..I did my time at the lovely Chardons Corner Hotel 00-02, one of many many establishments at which I have had the pleasure of serving the public.

29 04 2010
reparty

Or the fucking arse clowns who just have to say “It must be free” when fucking shit won’t scan. Put it on your fucking spendings or slavings account you fucking dickheads.

29 04 2010
chubbybloodfart

here for you buddy.
it’s the glaringly obvious flaw in the gun laws.

29 04 2010
Peter

Fi, (you beautiful creature), as long as I am not the former.

29 04 2010
SD

I am a little confused – is Devil’s Advocate offering us an Alcohol 101 course? Or perhaps even the Advanced Studies in Alcohol course for those who have crossed the hurdles of the cheap and nasty and are now ready to partake and sip of the finest? And would that be properly classified under http://thingsboganslike.wordpress.com/2010/04/21/131-short-courses/ ?

29 04 2010
devil's advocate

If indeed there is some way of
a) spinning “you get what you pay for” into a short course;
b) using said short course to relieve bogues of their cash; and which
c) doesn’t require me to be surrounded by a bunch of bogues in a confined area

then I fully support/expect royalty payments from said short course.

29 04 2010
red

can you add home brew to your list?!

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

The “problem” with running a homebrew course for bogans is that, to produce anything remotely drinkable requires some level of effort and (this is the nail in the coffin) cleanliness. Lazy bogans are what gave homebrew it’s bad name to begin with, and is the reason most people view with trepidation any beer that has not been subject to tax.

Bacterial infections lead to exploding bottles which leads to bogan fury. Alternatively, it descends into a competition over who can brew the strongest alcohol content. Which of itself isn’t bad, provided you know what you’re doing, which bogans don’t.

The only way homebrew classes could work is if they turned up to the first class, you started talking about yeast cells and aerobic and anaerobic phases of the yeast, and they gave up and decided it was too hard and didn’t return.

30 04 2010
sideshow

No chance, homebrewing requires patience and taste two traits the bogan seems to be lacking.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Three strikes for it – it’s also unbranded.

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

Correction – GOOD homebrewing requires patience and practice.

Throwing down a crappy store-bought coopers malt syrup cordial into a plastic vat with all-purpose generic yeast is, probably, still within the reach of the bogan. As is tipping the undrinkable contents down the sink and throwing said vat into the corner never to be spoken of again.

29 04 2010
George

As usual… gold :D

P.S. you forgot an extra “x” in “maxXimum nudity”…

29 04 2010
Matt

“premixes and remixes”

Absolute fucking gold. A tomahawk cruise(r) missile bang in target. Brilliant.

If these last two posts are indicative of what twice-a-week gets us, then bring it on. I’ll buy the book as well.

30 04 2010
Will S

Off topic, but…

One woman was refused service at a Woolworths in the Canberra suburb of Belconnen after trying to buy $5000 worth of cigarettes before the midnight deadline.

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/smokers-stockpile-in-hear-of-deadline/story-e6freuy9-1225860392257

oh bogans

30 04 2010
vivisection

Bust a lung skank!

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

If this amount of cigarettes can be consumed before they spoil (or otherwise onsold to others) then this decision is economically rational.

Assuming that the $5000 acquisition didn’t require a “payday advance” from cash converters. In which case, it depends where the default risk lies.

30 04 2010
James

I’m starting to wish I was unemployed. I miss out on so much in this blog lately.

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. With the nature of the work you do and the salary you earn, you virtually are.

30 04 2010
devil's advocate

Unemployment isn’t exclusively the domain of the bogan, it can be the preserve of the idiot sons and daughters of the aristocracy.

The bogan is more likely to eke out it’s existence from the largesse of the socialist aspects of the state. The aristocrat’s unemployed status is suffered only by the ability of the capitalist system to remove the need to earn a living from one’s labour.

Whether there is any practical difference is open to debate.

Like James, I wish for unemployment – moreover, to be free from the need to work. Aspirations are not a bad thing.

30 04 2010
vivisection

Speaking of aspirations – see Carl got a Gold Coffin – Clarssy

30 04 2010
pb

saw that. to quote homer simpson, it makes me want to vomit in terror.

30 04 2010
pb

i’m thinking the promised special friday post mentioned on the tbl facebook page may have to do with this or, more generally, public mourning/funeral voyeurism.

30 04 2010
ExtremeBoganHunter

You have to wonder really, our local bottle shop is a Nirvana for bogans on the growl for a good drink, that they don’t have to mix themselves. Row upon row of brightly advertising pre-mixed alcoholic syrup in colours nature has never heard of. While in one corner are the actual bottles of vodka etc at a fraction of the price.

I don’t even dear go near the wine section, located conviently at the back of the shop under stacks of beer. What fruity delights might await the unwary there.

30 04 2010
James Hunter

Fiona,
Could you perhaps allow the use of your butler to oversee the duell

30 04 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. No need. I have a professional Second on staff.

4 05 2010
Air Supply

“The very words “Ready-to-drink” make its heart palpitate furiously, like a hipster about to watch a cardigan-clad Zooey Deschanel perform a duet with Tom Waits in front of a small organic farmers’ market.”

I love it.

14 10 2010
Mace

Fiona of Toorak, can you please stop using “LOL” at the beginning of EVERY comment? If you can…

15 10 2010
Fiona of Toorak, bestower of largesse

LOL. I shan’t.

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