#98 – Doing as Simon Says

4 03 2010

While reality shows like Big Brother allow the bogan to send a slew of SMS votes at moderate expense, there is a pronounced lack of merchandise and consumable products bearing its logo. The same is true of bogan reality favourites involving cooking and dancing. This is a key factor that has made bogan musical talent quests so successful; it combines the bogan’s desire to vote, with CDs, concert tickets, clothes, and iTunes downloads. A purchasable, cleverly marketed identity.

It started with “Popstars” in 2000, which brought the bogan Bardot and Sophie Monk’s breasts. Both Bardot and its grammatically disfigured successor Scandal’us scored number #1 singles, as the bogan lapped up the idea that it could create celebrities with its keypad. Three years later, the genre mutated into Australian Idol, the creation of a then-43 year old Englishman. It was a slicker operation with a greater sense of boganic instant gratification. The British and American incarnations of his show were being judged by a surly Englishman one year his senior. Soon, the bogans at home were taking more delight in the conspicuous failings of untalented bogans who were so transfixed by the idea of pop stardom that they forgot that they possess none of the required elements.

And so it came to be, that Simon Fuller’s music reality shows had come to dominate the bogan’s consciousness, and the bogan enjoyed being outraged by Simon Cowell’s acerbic barbs. Simon C’s time on these shows had given him an x-treme understanding of what the global bogan requires in reality TV music talent quests. Tired of being a judge on someone else’s show, he created his own show, and named it X-Factor. The British version features Cowell and the mediocre and plastic Dannii Minogue (breasts), while the Australian version flopped because it only had the mediocre and plastic Mark Holden, whose breasts were uninteresting to the bogan. Simon F also raised his bogan-buck ambitions, creating shows such as “So You Think You Can Dance”, and the new “If I Can Dream”, which involves locking aspiring performers into a house and transmitting 24/7 webcam feeds to people with no aspirations of their own.

Simon C refused to be outdone. He defies time and space to also be a judge on Britain’s Got Talent, and produces America’s Got Talent. The 2009 version of Britain’s Got Talent brought a special treasure to the bogan’s television; Susan Boyle. This middle-aged, loudmouthed frump from a small village in Scotland defied her sceptics to be a capable singer of a song that the bogan had not heard of. This convinced the bogan that for all of its own physical or social shortcomings, it probably also had capacity to become a celebrity. The bogan responds to this new dawn of possibilities by purchasing Boyle’s CD, loudly vowing to take singing lessons, and then sitting back down on its couch to channel surf for a show that features bogans trying to cook. Indeed the bogan will watch, do, and purchase whatever these Simonz sayz. The pair is currently understood to be working on a new show called “X-Cook-X-Sing-X”, which will cost the bogan thousands of dollars in SMS votes.


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66 responses

4 03 2010
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Susan Boyle is to vocalisation as André Rieu is to fiddlin’.

4 03 2010
David

That’s a bit harsh – Susan Boyle actually has decent good voice, and she seemed to appear on Britain’s Got Talent simply to have a go; not with the desire to achieve stardom. Andre Rieu is a shameless self-promoter.

4 03 2010
Kaiks

” Simon C’s time on these shoes had given…”

Should be

” Simon C’s time on these shows had given…”

Is that today’s only Easter Egg TBL?

4 03 2010
Sten

“Global Bogan”… dear God, that’s a scary thought. Sadly true though, be they Bogans, Chavs, Neds, Knackers, Rednecks or whatever else, a Bogue is a Bogue is a Bogue.

Goddamn lumpenproletariat…

4 03 2010
Peter of Kensington

“X-Cook-X-Sing-X”,

An alcohol-free cooking show with hardcore vocalist contestants?

4 03 2010
Jo

lol I’d watch that!…I don’t think bogans would

4 03 2010
hindustan

it’s all about bein’ famous and that, isn’t it? any associated ‘stigma’ (sex tape, infidelity, offensive comments, unwanted publicity) just doesn’t matter to the bogan. it’s all about being famous, and it doesn’t matter WHAT you’re famous for…

4 03 2010
Tone

I’m not looking forward to the inevitable Susan Boyle sex tape.

4 03 2010
Mark

Fairly sure Susan Boyle is Scottish, she needed subtitles on American talk shows

4 03 2010
Going bogue

Hence the reference to a small village in the North of England…

4 03 2010
AlyssaKT

Some Australians apparently require subtitles on American programs too…

4 03 2010
pb

i was going to point out susan boyle’s scottishness – the scots don’t take kindly to being called english.

5 03 2010
me

fair sure the authors of this post were taking the mick.

4 03 2010
Paul J. Carson

I’ve seen a US news show where someone from the wilds of Kentucky had to be subtitled.

5 03 2010
Frazer

Just like Rocky.

10 03 2010
Annette

‘Rocky’ Sly Stallone, or ‘Rocky’ Rockhamptonite? Central Queensland has some thick’n’tuff accents…

7 03 2010
BogansBegone

“Susan Boyle. This middle-aged, loudmouthed frump from a small village in Northern England”

Mark , you are right . Maybe the writer mistook Blackburn , England for Blackburn , Scotland ?
A typical bogan error , not checking one’s facts before speaking.

4 03 2010
Loftie

I have been wondering about what is ‘next’ in the reality contenstant style shows…
Something that involves the following would surely work:
Cooking in a kitchen that was renovated by the contenstant, which involved them losing a few kg from the work, and singing in the shower (breasts) that was also renovated by another contestant, cue 24/7 camera coverage, pimp their car (in the garage that was built by backyardblitz), and then swap their significant other with another couple, to live in their home that has also had the above treatment…

Winner?

4 03 2010
Gorey

“So You Wanna Be A Porn Star?”

My brain almost exploded just writing that.

4 03 2010
Jo

they already did that it was called “Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll” it aired in 2008

4 03 2010
Gorey

Forgive me for not knowing that. I thought a Pussycat Doll was a figurine from a 70s cartoon series.

4 03 2010
Jo

if only they were…

10 03 2010
Annette

Shouldn’t there be some motorbike building and bounty hunting activity as well?

4 03 2010
Korubell

Regarding ‘Popstars’. Nothing takes the place of good research. It’s not an Australian concept. It was started in New Zealand. Sorry, I don’t know how to hyperlink, but here’s the url: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Popstars

4 03 2010
Korubell

Whoa, it seems I auto-hyperlinked. Whoda thunk?

4 03 2010
Gorey

TBL never suggested “Popstars” was an Australian idea, merely one that kicked off the fad for singing shows.

4 03 2010
Jo

your ignorance of how links work is adorable!

4 03 2010
Korubell

I know Jo, I’m just too fecking cute for words, really.

(Actually, I’m used to another site which has what could be thought of as a proprietary format and such links require coded markup)

4 03 2010
Jo

well that ruined it your not adorable anymore

4 03 2010
Korubell

Do you want a glassing, or what?!?

My sensitivities are wounded now :-(

Yeah, nah, literally weeping buckets on the inside here :-(

4 03 2010
Loftie

Just another ‘glassing’ story that I couldn’t help but share…
I know its off topic… but worth the post…
In a KEBAB shop of all places… classy glassy…
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/photo-gallery/gallery-e6frf94x-1225835220368?page=1

4 03 2010
Will S

“The Kings Cross Kebab shop continued to serve customers even though its shop was covered in blood.”

Classy

4 03 2010
j-ho

I was looking at the pic wondering if they were still serving people?! Amazing, there was so much blood as well…

4 03 2010
Loftie

Proof that its the ‘look the other way’ mentality that society has these days…

‘spose blood is easier to mop up than spew?? less chunks…

4 03 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

And nice News Corp grammer as well.

“A males neck and face suffered serious damage after he has glassed, he underwent emergency surgery to protect him from massive blood loss”

4 03 2010
Korubell

A smattering of human blood would be the least of your worries in one of those kebab shops, wouldn’t it?

4 03 2010
urbanreverie

Perhaps black pudding is part of late-night Turkish cuisine? :)

4 03 2010
Antosha

ALAS !!!

But I guess it adds to the flavour…

4 03 2010
betterthantheoriginalwally

I guess there has to be a demand to meet the supply. The place wouldnt be still serving blood-stained kebabs if bogues werent ordering.

4 03 2010
vivisection

That used to be my local kebab shop about ten years ago. It was always a dangerous place around Mardi Gras time. Rest of the year, no trouble at all. Thank god the Herald Sun drew the link to the Mardi Gras Violence! It must be stopped.

4 03 2010
AlyssaKT

what’s the story? Is it gay-bashing or just an event that attracts the bad with the good?

4 03 2010
vivisection

Being a Herald Sun photo album / story, it only has a good old “rope em in” headline of “Mardi Gras Violence”. Even though bogans have been bashing each other senseless every weekend in the Cross for generations, it’s always good to link it to a cultural event that happened in the next suburb. No doubt it had nothing at all to do with Mardi Gras apart from occurring on the same night, and by failing to actually write an article on it, the Herald Sun just lets the bogue conclude that Mardi Gras = Glassing Cunt Violence. The sheer number of bogans on the sidelines of Mardi Gras parades put me off attending years ago. Morons squawking “aw look at that one” wears thin after a while :)

4 03 2010
David

Hey Going Bogue,
Dare you to say that in Glasgow or Inverness! The Scots Bogue (aka Schemie) makes the Aussies bogans perchant for violence look half hearted and limp wristed.

4 03 2010
Jo

there’s a difference between dick-baggery and down right psychotic behaviour….the bogue engages in the former

4 03 2010
Gavin

dick-baggery, i like it!

4 03 2010
berihebi

I can’t keep up with all these shows. Too many names to remember and not enough to distinguish them from each other. It like they’ve turned into boxing where there’s the WBC, IBF, IBA, WBA, WBO etc etc etc. Hope they ending up eating themselves.

4 03 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

“Hope they ending up eating themselves.”

A concept for a new X cooking X show perhaps?

4 03 2010
Korubell

“A concept for a new X cooking X show perhaps?

Survivor-X

4 03 2010
Antosha

Who’s Got Cannibal X Factor?

4 03 2010
Peter

I wonder if the bogan aspires to be a judge on any of these “talent” “shows” mentioned above? Perhaps not. After all, what self-respecting bogan would want the rum-soaked finger of another bogue pointing out its shortcomings.

4 03 2010
west_melb_anitbogan

a new show called “X-Cook-X-Sing-X”

lol – a sure fire bogan fleecing vehicle. Maybe have Christian Audigier as a guest judge and remix some Ed Hardy classic Tees to have X-Cook-X-Sing-X emblazoned on them.

Would make P!nk look like an amateur in relocating bogan coin.

4 03 2010
Gorey

I’ve just finished looking at the Top 50 albums charts for this year for a feature I’m researching, and Susan Boyle has been at No. 1 since Christmas! Holy fuck, that’s almost three months!

4 03 2010
Henry

THREAT OF STRIKE ACTION; SUSAN BOYLE; BOGAN’s OF EASY VIRTUE AND ENGLISH SLAPPERS

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth.”

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. “Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins,” complains Amir. “And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?”

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.” He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. “How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can’t compete with the private sector?” asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management’s final proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I’ll be buggered if I’m agreeing to anything like that . . . it’s too much to swallow”.

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent, and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations, as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway”.

Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

4 03 2010
Korubell

It’s understood the British have downgraded their security alert status from ‘Slightly Miffed’ to ‘Oh What a Bother’.

4 03 2010
Guinea pig

BOOM ought be happy that their 25% cut is really only 16 2/3% – those extra six virgins make all the diff. for a budding mujahdeen (sp?), right?

4 03 2010
Jo

“Susan Boyle. This middle-aged, loudmouthed frump”
She doesn’t come across as loudmouthed to me, I find her demure.

4 03 2010
Simon

Simon says every reality show you watch steals 10 IQ points. Be careful!

4 03 2010
ant

There could be a whole article on Bogans sitting on the couch watching bogans trying to cook. From what I’m hearing, bogans love these masterchef/kitchen rules shows, where mysterious food happens.

Apparently, that Croquembouche thingy (giant pile of cream puffs) has become a bogan favourite at weddings. It looks posh, I’m told.

4 03 2010
Tone

That, and it sounds vaguely rude when a bogan tries to pronounce it: “we’re gunna have one of them fancy Cock And Bush things at our wedding and shit”.

5 03 2010
Belinda

That’s funny as, even though I quite like both those shows. Infact I watch MyKitchenRules twice when repeated on digital next day, incase I missed a bit.

Shameful, I know!

4 03 2010
Going bogue

Been thinking about impending post number 100 and have felt the need to nominate lap-band surgery – it ticks all the bogan boxes as far as I’m concerned

4 03 2010
Antosha

ALAS !!!

Off topic… and it has been covered before… but it just goes to show how accurate this blog is:

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/man-run-over-by-jet-ski-on-moreton-island/story-e6freoof-1225837061740

cue barbs about reading a news.com publication..

5 03 2010
Ironhalo

#100 – Either lap-band surgery or political swing voting.

Totally agree ‘Going bogue’.

5 03 2010
Korubell

#100 must surely be participation in Second Life. That netherspace where the bogue can ‘get huge’ with a few mouseclicks, where tramp stamps can be changed hourly, where Acca Dacca reigns supreme in nightclubs that don’t exist and where sound-bites rule, and where the boguette can have a new bogue baby every week if she wants. That place where white chicks’ ebonics is standard communication. Where the bogan can have a fleet of Chevoldens which change colour at a mouseclick. That place where Randomness Rulz.

9 03 2010
Jen

Yeah Susan Boyle is from Scotland, not England. but easy mistake to make, people over here (in England) probably make it too.

I think the main thing with bogans (or chavs) and Simon Cowell is that they simultaneously think he’s ‘nasty’ and ‘the greatest musical thinker of our time’. Whereas non-bogans probably just think he doesn’t really know much about music and is simply a capitalist arsehole.

29 01 2011
Beau Ganne

The sheep/herd mentality of the extremely smilarly dressed “individuals” that fit into many categories in Western society I believe would love an Australian Idol/Criminal MasterChef/Cop Patrol/Big Brother/Home Improvement programme sponsored by 4X and Bundy Rum staged at different localities that are instantly recognised by their target audience. Such as Chadston, Fortitude Valley, Westfields Parramatta, Largs Pier, Freemantle and Belconnen.

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