The bogan covets a restrained life, where conversations convey abstract meaning. A life where merchandising, bright flashing colours, and crass sexualisations are not welcome. When the time comes for a bogan family to design or purchase its dream home, it places immense value in facilitating this classy way of life, and is willing to pay accordingly.
The bogan covets a restrained life, where it may entertain its guests in a proper houseproud manner. A life where it will offer a spread of pre-dinner snacks, a meticulously prepared three course dinner, and then a satisfying post-dinner cigar or cognac in an armchair, while the important issues of the day are robustly debated.
The bogan covets a restrained life, with a formal lounge room and dining room occupying 25% of the floorplan. The dining room contains a hardwood dining table, with matching luxuriously upholstered chairs. Adjacent is a matching hardwood wall unit, which contains Waterford crystal champagne flutes, cloth napkins, and a 57 piece Royal Doulton fine bone china dining set. A life where the post-dinner discussion is conducted on chesterfield leather tub chairs, before a roaring fire. There would be no television in this room, lest the guests fear that their company was not entertainment enough.
The bogan covets a restrained life, and is therefore willing to spend the $15,000 required to furnish these two rooms of their nest in the aforementioned style. A close acquaintance of the bogan, an upstanding chap named Mister Norman, insists that he provides all of the furnishings for the rooms for free*. Flattered, the bogan blushingly accepts the generous offer.
The bogan covets a restrained life, which is why ten years later, Harvey Norman remains good friends with the bogan (despite the occasional robust disagreement over terms and conditions). The formal lounge and dining rooms in the nest also remain as they were.
This is largely because that part of the McMansion has been used a total of 4 times in the intervening decade. Two of those nights were Sundays in the first month, where the bogans fumbled over cheese knives and parfait spoons at the insistence of the adult female, who was quite enjoying the exhibitionist masquerade in front of her friends. Her enthusiasm quickly waned when she realised that the rear projection TV was not visible from the formal dining table, and she was missing Water Rats.
The second two uses came when the bogan female attempted to impress its parents at Christmas time, all fancy. These two events were spaced years apart, as it took her quite some time to forget the unmitigated disaster that her untrained family caused when an open mouthed turkey chew and a guttural yell conspired to send a crystal flute of bubbly into Grandma’s lap.
Last year, one of the family’s teenaged bogans swiped some sort of crooked cup thing to use as a disposable ashtray. Its parents will never realise that their dusty Royal Doulton set now has no gravy boat.