The occasional bogan wants to become vegetarian. Really. However, in a rare example of self-awareness, it knows it has no control over its pathological need for protein, which as far as the bogan knows exists only in beef, chicken and Max Bulk Powder 4000. Therefore, the only logical response to the bogan’s desire to be herbivorous is to first eat ALL of the animals. This is more difficult than it sounds. There are many animals, and the bogan’s appetite for destruction is limited to 80s hair metal and an aversion to salad.
While the bogan is uncomfortable with the idea of where the protein injection comes from, and would most likely shirk at the idea of skinning a cow (despite its boisterous statements), it is perfectly comfortable with consuming the fruits of others’ labour. Male bogans are on an ongoing dietary mission to depopulate entire species via any and all means necessary. Not content with catastrophically disrupting marine environments with fishing boats and jet skis, the bogan has looked further abroad.
Pizza Hut saw this and responded. The male bogan has a clear predisposition to label all green foods as for poofs, and continually derides salads as ‘rabbit feed’ or ‘chicks’ food’. Pizza Hut realised that while the bogan was already partial to a large margarita, that particular variety, in its effort to avoid giving nutritional offence, had avoided almost every food the bogan genuinely pursues. So they visited the slaughterhouse, and said ‘I’ll take it.’
Thus the bogan was gifted with the Meat Lovers’ Pizza. It is the quarter pounder of Italian food, Hemingway on a yeasty base, an atomic protein overdose. Covered in sufficient barbeque sauce to drown an actual cow, the pizza then successfully removes all meat flavour, which is fortuitous, as it would possibly actually turn the bogan to vegetarianism, a previously inconceivable event. When the bogan has the option of 75 different varieties of processed meat slathered in cheese, meat, tomato, meat and meat, all other dining options fade into an amorphous green mass.
Last year, there were about 170,000 hospitalisations for coronary heart disease, and it is TBL’s understanding that the Meat Lovers’ Pizza is responsible for at least 450,000 of them. Faced with the choice between the Supreme, the Hawaiian (bogans, in a rare display of reason, decry the application of pineapple to pizza), the Capricciosa or the Meat Lovers’, the bogan will invariably gravitate to the meal most likely to induce a fatal disease. Not fearful of cardiac arrest, but concerned about an expansion of waist or thigh, the bogan makes up for this colossal intake of saturated fats with a SureSlim shake, a manly diet coke and a few sessions on the AbMaster7400, then hits the sack, healthy and happy.