#219 – Online Binary Polls

23 03 2011

You may not know this, but you care what the bogan thinks. Without the amassed wisdom of bogans’ collective opinion, you would, in all likelihood, become a stunted, indecisive, gibbering mess. In the past, the bogan’s only method of informing you of what was right was by telling you to your face. Unfortunately, this leads to conversations with the bogan; steeped in nuance and complexity. This is not comfortable for the bogan. Or alternatively, told to you face via a jagged schooner. This is not comfortable for you.

Enter the internet. After years of having to make do with vox pops in News Ltd newspapers, there was a way to canvas thousands (sometimes tens or hundreds of thousands) of bogans’ opinions at almost no cost. Lifting the method from years of phone polls on Today Tonight and ACA, the trashmedia can almost instantly garner the opinion of massed bogans, then adjust its reportage accordingly.

Faced with the opportunity to opine on everything from John Howard’s rejection by the ICC by a cabal of nefarious foreigners with the gumption to hijack an Aussie sport to the results of the phone poll on the current TV talent show, the bogan can’t resist the chance to tell you what’s right. Yes, the bogan will vote to tell you just how it feels about the result of its previous vote. This has escalated to the point that the bogan will only use the internet to join groups promoting what it thinks, or offer its opinion via the now-traditional binary:

DO YOU FEEL THAT ILLEGAL ASYLUM SEEKERS ARE AN UNNECESSARY BURDEN ON AUSTRALIAN TAXPAYERS? YES/NO

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BURQA IS? YES/NO

DO YOU FEEL THAT THE PROPOSED SUPER MINING TAX WILL ROB ORPHAN CHILDREN OF THEIR FUTURES? YES/NO

CONSIDERING THAT THE LABOR GOVERNMENT IS SHIT, IS KEVIN RUDD JULIA GILLARD A SOCIALIST? YES/NO

WHAT DO YOU FEEL IS THE MOST CRITICAL ISSUE AT THE UPCOMING ELECTION? YES/NO

IS THERE ENOUGH ACTION IN THE LIBERAL PARTY’S ACTION PLAN? YES/NO

WHO WILL WIN MASTERCHEF? YES/NO

The bogan can fan the flames of its rage simply by clicking a box, then clicking another as it searches for the validation of the results, which invariably are 50/50 or 95/5 on any issue. While this activity requires a lower level of bogan rage to be implemented than actually commenting in the appropriate section, it requires far less effort, so the bogan is comfortable that is has contributed to the national political discourse, and goes back to the article on the latest Victoria’s Secret runway show.


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95 responses

23 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. If you don’t live in Toorak, are you a lesser person? Yes or No. YES!

23 03 2011
Stereotypical Stereotyper

Then explain the price of this room – http://melbourne.gumtree.com.au/c-Unit-House-Real-Estate-flat-share-house-share-roomshare-ROOMSHARE-TOORAK-SICK-OF-HOSTELS-W0QQAdIdZ267878844 – it’s cheaper than getting a sharehouse in Queanbeyan (bogan satellite city of Canberra – both old school and NAB)

23 03 2011
Fiona from Not Toorak

That’s because you’re getting half a room, with a 23-year-old backpacker.

23 03 2011
GoldCoaster

LOL that is funny! Toorak’s got nothing on here, that’s for sure. That’s because no-one wants to live in such a cold, god-forsaken place.

23 03 2011
Stereotypical Stereotyper

No, I would never live there, I’m just attempting to poke a huge hole in Fi’s logic.

Quite frankly I’d rather live in Broadmeadows

23 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Just so you know, this blog is set up to pick ON people from the Gold Coast, not provide a means for them to pick on others.

24 03 2011
GoldCoaster

No, it’s to pick on BOGANS. Not the people smart enough to leave Victoria and NSW.

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Everyone knows the Gold Coast is the bogan capital of Australia. You can tell because that’s where they go on their holidays.

24 03 2011
GoldCoaster

That’s where they go on their holidays because they don’t actually live here! They come from all the other places. Well, if they’re going to support our economy by pumping their dollars into it, more fool them, and we’re laughing all the way to the bank.

The Gold Coast is like Boost Juice, Charlie Sheen and Holden retailers – by tapping into the bogan’s maxtreme desires, we’re playing their dollars right out of their pockets and into our hands. Genius, really, when you think about it. Think of GC as the best marketing ploy Australia’s ever had, hence the prosperity of our lifestyle. And, GC City Council has the sense to confine the Bogans to the theme parks and Surfers, like cattle in a crush, so they can do nothing while we stand outside and milk them. Then they go back south to their pens and paddocks to fatten themselves once more, leaving us to reap the benefits in peace.

24 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Oh no! I’ve exposed the conspiracy! Goldstein! Thermopolae!

26 03 2011
AnotherGC-er

You’ve obviously read this (https://thingsboganslike.com/2010/10/06/180-footy-trips/) post.

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Yes. Gotta love the market.

23 03 2011
shakPower

Does Fiona of Toorak have limited vocabulary, hence starts each comment with the same word? YES / NO . YES!

23 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. No, I have a higher degree in the Classics, hence the reason for my superior vocabulary.

23 03 2011
Pendant

“Hence the reason”? Dear oh dear

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Would you have preferred “hence why”?

24 03 2011
James Hunter

Fi,
Please do not make Pendent your “Henceman “

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Very droll James, very droll.

24 03 2011
James Hunter

Fi,
Wow and I did that without even trying !!

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I very much doubt that….

24 03 2011
James Hunter

Fi,
By the by, we passed the auditions with Aust’s Got Talent and look like comming to Melbourne for the Semis. You realy must try to come to the studio audience !!

24 03 2011
GoldCoaster

It’s funny that someone who claims to have a higher degree in the classics never quotes them… in hoc signo…

23 03 2011
James Hunter

Fi, Is tha because there is no “Other side of the tracks” at Toorak ?

23 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Quite James, quite.

24 03 2011
Will S

Fi, you’ve really hooked some today.

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. n00bs!

29 03 2011
rob

The core TBL crew hasn’t lost it’s maxxtreme sophisticated sense of humour. Keep going!

23 03 2011
rob

This is so true. I love the questions listed, especially the leading ones, so funny. I’m amazed (I shouldn’t be) at how many times the mass media uses these “vote polls” to work out how ‘Australian’s’ feel about a topic -and then report on it like its some fact. In all complicated issues, answers don’t simply fall into a yes or no category.
Thanks for another great post TBL.

23 03 2011
Vacuous

Or the classic Holly Walsh line: Do you think that polls intentionally skew questions to achieve a desired result? YES/ARE YOU AN IDIOT AND THINK “NO”?

23 03 2011
Benny Hill

Shit article.

PS – I only vote when Big Brother is on.

24 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “sh**” but I think they’re clutching at straws now. I don’t really understand that, as there are so many things bogans like yet, such as ill-fitting clothes, muffin tops, “My Family” stickers, not desexing their pets, unkempt gardens, ordering rubbish off the TV, “as seen on TV,” daytime TV, supporting a football team that has no connection to them or where they’ve lived, Mitsubishi Evos, Nissan Skylines, other Asian coupes, taking their kids on the brewery tour when they turn 18- it goes on. There’s plenty of good material out there!

So because we’re writing the list that we invented in a manner that you would not had you invented it (note: you didn’t), we’re clutching at straws, yes? TBL

24 03 2011
barkeep @ the Ye Olde Glassing Barn

Good list Gold Coast.
The “not desexing their pets” is a great example.
Although in their defence they don’t exactly “family plan” for themselves, so perhaps they think it’s best left up to the almighty Stork.

24 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

@Gold Coaster

Don’t worry if it seems like there’s some apparent slump in TBL entries to your eyes…I recall once where another blog I frequent, The Worst Of Perth (as approved by TBL), some wiseacres had the temerity to say that TWOP’s well had dried up, only to find that after a brief lull, it was out swinging as witty as ever.

Keep in mind also that the good burghers of TBL are preparing a follow-up to their book, all in the name of further edifying those not full aware of The Bogan Menace, which is a valuable service to the community, as I’m sure there are many recovering bogans who would not have seen the errors of their ways if not for that publication.

Finally, never forget that the bogan is forever intrigued, won over and ultimately bored by whatever ephemeral fads that come and go (I notice that the Zumba classes next to our steady community jam sessions have had a significant drop in patronage of late), in addition to, well, shall I use the term loosely, being a forever evolving beast…not that their “evolution” provides the good of society any net gain. Thus the bogan, like all the idiosyncrasies of Perth that are catalogued by TWOP, is a gift that keeps on giving, even if we don’t particularly appreciate what they offer!

25 03 2011
devil's advocate

Evos are not considered coupes in current parlance – they are 4-door sedans. Some skylines meet the commonly accepted use of coupe, as they are a 2 door enclosed hardtop.

25 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Are they? I don’t really know much about cars. Correction noted.

25 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I suppose. TBL recently came out with the driving like idiots article. That was an absolute clanger!! Maybe they’ve got some more of those in production.

Anyways, why am I being lampooned? I said something smart, whereas the guy who said it was “sh**” said something dumb, yet no-one says anything to him!

25 03 2011
$hruglife

Although not quite as smart as you seem to think. Keep reaching for the stars though!

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Oh heck, I know I’m not brilliant, but it was smarter than, “This article is s***”. When I say smart I meant it actually elaborated on a point rather than just giving it a one word description with no evidence to back up the assertion.

25 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I just think there is stronger content, is all. My observation.

23 03 2011
Chris

Should? YES/NO

23 03 2011
Mr Q

Coming soon to news.com.au:

Q1. ARE YOU A PINKO LEFTY COMMY CARNT THAT SHOULD BE GLASSED?
Yes/No

23 03 2011
GoldCoaster

*undecided*

24 03 2011
Mick

I have a question Mr Q. For twenty years I was an OSB whose glassin’ skills were second to none. I saw the light. I realised I was a tool. Now I’m a lefty, pinko, commie, possibly gay libtard.

Should I be glassed? And if so, should it be by a corona wielding knob-jockey or do it myself?

24 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Do it yourself. If you want something done properly, don’t let a bogan do it.

24 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I’ll glass you, Mick. Would you prefer the act to be done with a Corona bottle or an empty schooner?

24 03 2011
Mick

Perhaps some sort of crystal glass number Ash, preferably stolen from a house in Toorak.

24 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

Posh carnt. I’ll see what I can acquire. Just as well Fi’s secuirty are susceptible to masculine charms.

26 03 2011
brad

the wonders of medication heh Mick?

26 03 2011
James Hunter

Brad,
He’s OK so long as he take then REGULARLY

27 03 2011
brad

no half scripts though James we’ve all seen the resulting chaos when you and chubby take this route!!

27 03 2011
James Hunter

Brad,
Just because I look like a dag, sound like a dag and write like a dag does not mean that I’m not one !!!!

27 03 2011
Mick

Probably more the case of the alcohol wearing off…

23 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I actually got interviewed by one of those survey poll people who come to your home and then sell their data to marketers and political parties. There was no sort of answer for, “I don’t care about this.” or “this is irrelevant” or, “I think voting is stupid” so the surveyer puts you in the “undecided” category, which skews the data to create a body of undecided people, when really we have decided we don’t care or it’s not relevant.

23 03 2011
p'bee

i did a phone poll about this weekend’s nsw election yesterday. unfortunately they didn’t ever have the option i wanted for any of the questions, that they are all useless morons. that answer gets you put in the neutral/undecided category.

23 03 2011
Pendant

I’ve always wanted to be polled by one of these groups just so I could verify that they’re real. Every night during election season you get to hear the results of these polls, yet I’ve never met anyone who has ever participated. It’s all pretty sus if you ask me.

24 03 2011
Mick

I get polled regularly on elections.

Is there some sort of cliche voter they look for in their determination to invoke outrage?

And total agreement with Goldy, they don’t want a well thought out response and opinion. They want a ‘such and such is a carnnt and I’ll never vote for a muslin lovin’ Jew-boy’.

That’ll make a headline.

24 03 2011
Mick

FFS. Muslim.

I’m not sure of the Jewish stance on cotton.

25 03 2011
Edward

So long at it’s not a mixed fabric (e.g. Poly-Cotton), they are fine with it. Hoorah, Leviticus based humour.

24 03 2011
GoldCoaster

Nuanced covering of complex issues = bogan no understand.
Bogan no understand = bogan no buy.

Catering to the lowest common denominator = bogan get it!
Bogan get it = bogan has opinion!
Bogan have opinion = other bogans have opinion!

+ anything that backs up bogan opinion = SALE!!

24 03 2011
barkeep @ the Ye Olde Glassing Barn

Marketing and advertising expenditure? why bother? . It’s so simple.

24 03 2011
Chairman Miaow

I once did a phone poll on Sexuality in Australia for a university, don’t recall which. ‘Can’t be too hard’, I thought, I’m for it personally. And besides the pollster sounded like my elderly spinster aunt. I settled in for the requisite 10 minutes and then spent said 10 minutes completely gobsmacked as she asked about my STDs, homosexual desires, S&M practices and my tendencies to stray from the home paddock.

Lord knows what the average bogan must have made of the poll.

My overriding memory is her dulcet, elderly-aunt tones inquiring about whether I a) had had hetero anal intercourse b) had asked my partner to provide it or c) had engaged in it with a prostitute.

I think I asked her to repeat the question.

25 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I don’t think she was a pollster. She was just a dirty old woman!

29 03 2011
rob

I’ve a hunch it was my current close female acquaintance.

23 03 2011
Bag O'Turnips

Isn’t the polling company used by either one or both of the tele-tabloids of the Trashmedia Kraken called Fifth Finger?

I don’t know what’s better or worse in how these marketing gurus can extract bogan buxx in conducting these spurious surveys via these shows…yeah, like their opinion counts, especially with such loaded binary questions, but I guess the last laugh is on the marketing hacks importuning themselves to the boganry, and getting rich in doing so.

But all of this is moot to me, for all I give this finger of filth is a flash of my middle finger.

23 03 2011
Stereotypical Stereotyper

Here’s a new news.com.au poll, with premade answers
Is the sky blue on a sunny day? Yes/No

Yes: 1% |- |
No: 99%|———|

I found myself on Bolt’s blog (I was trolling, I swear), and I actually found one of his works standing up for school bullies. If I was a bogan, I’d glass him

24 03 2011
Nauseated

I hate that man.

24 03 2011
chris

Yup. Bolta’s a twat alright, but once in a blue moon he actually says something that makes sense. What’s more he can engage someone in argument without talking over the top of them at every sentence. His pudgy doppelganger, Piers Ackerman, on the other hand, is a worthless turd.

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. I love him and agree with everything he says.

24 03 2011
chris

Who? Bolt or Ackerman? Or both? Are you suggesting a bit of three-way action?

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Bolt of course.

24 03 2011
p'bee

surely the hun is beneath someone living in toorak?

24 03 2011
James Hunter

PB, Wouldn’t he be beneath a rock ?

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Andrew is available in other formats, of course.

23 03 2011
devil's advocate

Binary polls being used to generate “news content” shouldn’t be confused with “push polling” which is directed at an altogether different goal.

News.com.au stuff is there as a lazy excuse to make up a story.

Push polling is actually political marketing which has the goal of alerting the respondent to an issue and shaping their opinions, rather than actually eliciting a response. It’s actually quite clever.

So you could ask someone eg: “DO you think the Gillard Government’s attempts to move refugee processing offshore is an appropriate response to the boat people crisis?” – the main aim is 1) to alert people to the existence of a “crisis” and 2) to impress upon people the fact that something is being done. The actual response here is of no importance.

23 03 2011
Fiona of Carlton

Charlie Brooker (a former TV critic for The Guardian) produced a piece not dissimilar but argued it was reality TV that’s given us the silly idea that our opinion is relevant and stands for something.

(Plus you should watch this anyway because the man is a legend)

23 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

LOVE Charlie Brooker. His piece on the trainwreck that was MTV’s My Super Sweet 16 (before Jersey Shore, my favourite trash TV) was brilliant.

25 03 2011
p'bee

that was a work of art.

25 03 2011
Ash - Glasser of Carnts

I had my sister watch it when she was 7 as negative conditioning.

23 03 2011
James Hunter

What do you feel is the most critical issue at the upcomming election? Yes/No That is a GOLD question Sounds like TBL has been reading Foney Rabbits mail ?

23 03 2011
Tombarina

No one did the skewed survey better than Sir Humprey.

23 03 2011
Professor Ratbaggy

I still remember a Herald-Sun one from last year (or maybe even longer ago):
Should the government give a tax cut, or increase funding for (I forget what now)?
Yes/No

I was amazed at the number of bogans who managed to work out how to vote yes or no to that one!

24 03 2011
Tone

IS TBL BLOG ENTRY #219 THEIR WORST EFFORT SINCE #152? YES/NO

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. Yes!

24 03 2011
CoffeeSnob

I prefer the elegant prose of the “Letters to the Editor” in whichever city I find myself in.

Failing that I prefer the Sky News (all news?) tactic of interviewing other journalists to let me know what I think.

24 03 2011
The Quote Train

Is there a way you can block certain comments from appearing when the page loads, i.e anything that Fiona writes?

24 03 2011
Fiona of Toorak

LOL. No.

24 03 2011
Pendant

If you’ve got greasemonkey or similar installed it probably wouldn’t be too difficult. In pseudo code:

for all span in document {
if span.content == “Fiona of Toorak” {
span.parent.parent.hide()
}
}

25 03 2011
chubbybloodfart

Anthropomorphic Climate Change is a conspiracy put about by Greedy Filthy Rich Research Scientists (probably jewish) to further stuff their ermine lined pockets with Supermassive Research Grant Taxpayer Dollars at the expense of Good Decent Captains of Industry and Mum & Dad Shareholder Aussie Battlers and Our Completely Tops Resource Miners and probably the whole economy.
¤Yes
¤No
¤Whatever Alan Jones tells ,me..

25 03 2011
p'bee

i see a new job for you chubby, in writing poll questions for and murdoch press.

25 03 2011
GoldCoaster

I beg to differ. There are too many big words for the bogan to understand, like ‘anthropomorphic’, ‘ermine’, and ‘scientists’.

25 03 2011
Mr Q

Too difficult for the Bogan. Try this, it’s more Murdoch binary:
=========================================
“Given that there is not a 101% consensus among scientists about Global Climate Change, is the introduction of a climate tax:”

* something that we may have to do despite the probable destruction of the Australian economy, loss of jobs and having to live in caves? (2%)

– or –

* totally unneccessary as it will hit real Australians hard in the hip pocket at a time when they can least afford it due to possible interest rate rises in the future? (98%)

———————
Resulting headline: “AUSTRALIANS OVERWHELMINGLY OPPOSE CARBON TAX”

29 03 2011
GoldCoaster

You should work for ACA or TT! Take that as a compliment, because they earn buckets of money.

12 04 2011
Aaron

This reminds me of a Today Tonight poll whiched asked whether Immigrants should adopt Australian values. 99% said yes, while 1% disagreed.

14 04 2011
Steve

It would be funny if one day ninemsn’s daily poll was “Are you still beating your wife?”

1 11 2011
Steve

Today’s ninemsn poll is about Kim Kardashian. Nuff said.

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