Wow. It’s been a massive week. Abortions. Enormous cocaine hauls. Chileans being removed from a hole. What’s more, Things Bogans Like turned one year old, without only once soiling its pants. India-based sportal goings on took place, but are now no more. The bogan didn’t really care especially, although it did get the chance to forgive Sally Pearson. But even though it’s Friday and everyone’s just itching to get to a glassing barn, first you must fire up the coals of your neural barbecues, and throw upon the grill some of these choice cuts.
The bogan watched the rescue of the 33 Chilean miners with great interest because:
- It could boast about Todd & Brant’s similarly heroic ordeal
- It is the only time the bogan will EVER pay attention to Chile so it can act like a worldly cosmopolite
- It didn’t know Chile spelt its name wrong. Stupid country.
- It is not ignorant to everything outside the scope of its choleric worldview
Bank of Queensland is launching a new “Save To Win” account that offers lottery tickets to lure deposits. This will cause:
- Bogans to flock to BoQ
- Initial and short-lived deposits from bogans unaccustomed to structured saving
- Subsequent exacerbation of any pre-existing gambling addictions, and the possible acquisition of new ones
- All of the above
When sensible Australians everywhere celebrated a court case yesterday, it was because:
- An outdated abortion law was wisely ignored by a jury
- Things Bogans Like avoided its third defamation charge
- Some incredible hot-pink matching attire was worn in court
- Christina Aguillera’s divorce went through
Schapelle Corby’s latest bid for clemency is based on:
- Admitting guilt and apologising for her crime
- Good behaviour and proof of rehabilitation
- A jurisdictional loophole that releases bogans from their responsibility for anything that happens ‘on tour’.
- Faking a mental illness
The Australian dollar has nearly reached parity with its US counterpart. This means:
- Australian farmers will be ruined.
- They will have to shoot the new Mad Max film in Morocco.
- Bogans nationwide will be able to furnish every remaining room of their house with a TV.
- The ALP has not done enough to keep down interest rates.