Wow. It’s been a massive week. Abortions. Enormous cocaine hauls. Chileans being removed from a hole. What’s more, Things Bogans Like turned one year old, without only once soiling its pants. India-based sportal goings on took place, but are now no more. The bogan didn’t really care especially, although it did get the chance to forgive Sally Pearson. But even though it’s Friday and everyone’s just itching to get to a glassing barn, first you must fire up the coals of your neural barbecues, and throw upon the grill some of these choice cuts.
The bogan watched the rescue of the 33 Chilean miners with great interest because:
- It could boast about Todd & Brant’s similarly heroic ordeal
- It is the only time the bogan will EVER pay attention to Chile so it can act like a worldly cosmopolite
- It didn’t know Chile spelt its name wrong. Stupid country.
-
It is not ignorant to everything outside the scope of its choleric worldview
Bank of Queensland is launching a new “Save To Win” account that offers lottery tickets to lure deposits. This will cause:
- Bogans to flock to BoQ
- Initial and short-lived deposits from bogans unaccustomed to structured saving
- Subsequent exacerbation of any pre-existing gambling addictions, and the possible acquisition of new ones
- All of the above
When sensible Australians everywhere celebrated a court case yesterday, it was because:
- An outdated abortion law was wisely ignored by a jury
- Things Bogans Like avoided its third defamation charge
- Some incredible hot-pink matching attire was worn in court
- Christina Aguillera’s divorce went through
Schapelle Corby’s latest bid for clemency is based on:
- Admitting guilt and apologising for her crime
- Good behaviour and proof of rehabilitation
- A jurisdictional loophole that releases bogans from their responsibility for anything that happens ‘on tour’.
- Faking a mental illness
The Australian dollar has nearly reached parity with its US counterpart. This means:
- Australian farmers will be ruined.
- They will have to shoot the new Mad Max film in Morocco.
- Bogans nationwide will be able to furnish every remaining room of their house with a TV.
- The ALP has not done enough to keep down interest rates.
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Schapelle is hot. Look at her dry rooting that bloke she’s leaning against knowing full well she’ll have her beef curtains parted by that bloke’s tube steak.
I’m surprised that during the Chilean ordeal the Aussie bloke that organised the rescue equipment and drilling didn’t get more of a mention from the bogue masses. Similarly the Aussie engineer that Valentino Rossi must have with him as he moves to Ducati next year means that we must have the best engineers in the world, especially on the 40th anniversary of the West Gate bridge collapse. Farkin immigrant trade’s people.
Shapelle was only going to shag one of them? Good Lord!
To know these things you speak of the bogue must look beyond the superficial. We all know that’s not going to happen.
Giving schapelle corby any attention what so ever is bogan to the maxxtreme. TBL you are bogans. Albeit only for a day.
thumbs up if you think Lalit Bhanot is a monkey himself
I like how the comparison was drawn between the AUD value and Don Bradman’s batting average… Not. *rolls eyes, etc. etc.*
A lot of bogans I know who know sweet FA about economics or the value of the dollar in general or even what a surging dollar means for them are celebrating. Apparently, to the bogan, getting parity with the US dollar is some sort of patriotic Strine achievement.
When I try to explain it, they flip me off and drive away in their Chevy-badged Holden utes.
You beat me to it, Ash.
Things Bogans Like: Discussing exchange rates.
I’m glassing the next #(&% who starts banging on about “stocking up on greenbacks”, like they’re Warren Buffet, only with 3kg of product in their stupid hair.
Ditto the moron who’s planning on “cashing in” by buying a new car. A Holden. Specifically an Australian-made Holden. Good luck with negotiating an exchange rate-based discount there, you twat.
parity = cheap ebay Chevy badges
On another note, here’s some nice friday cheer:
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2010/10/breaking-the-melbourne-council-responds-to-ed-hardy/#comments
Ok, in line with some discussion during the week we have Bogans of the Week
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/confidential/katy-perry-and-russell-brand-plan-secret-indian-wedding/story-e6frf96o-1225939077642
A wedding overseas with a theme gets the vote. Throw complete arsehat Brand into the mix and they are a shoe in. You just know they will be selling the photos and getting the wedding date tattoed just above their dates to remind them of the special day when ploughing the paddock.
secret = post on internet.
Oh by the way Simon, I think I have a blog crush on you.
Dude, I’m all embarrased now. Thanks for making my Friday.
You are the George Michael to Fiona of Tooraks Andrew Ridgley xx
How do you like them apples Fi?
Is it bogan to tell someone to get a room?
Yeh it is!
Well, colour me bogan.
Ha! Brilliant.
just remember to stay away from public toilets in l.a. simon.
and Snappy Snap photo stores
Do you think they will make a Gay Porno about the Chilean Miners plight? But to appeal to the massive bogan porn base, maybe in the film, using creative license, there will be one chick and 32 guys? Or 33 chicks? “Hot Chile in a Hole” It writes itself.
Deep Drilling Hot Minors
Hot Chilli Love Hole?
Wasn’t there a media release that they were not going to talk about what went on down there?? Maybe it has already happened…
Love in a Hole – The story of Chilli Minors.
Cavern Lov’n
This has reminded me that the worlds greatest ever homoerotic movie is getting a sequel – Topgun 2
Not with Tom in it, surely?
Yep, set to play an instructor. He can teach all the flyboys a lesson they will never forget.
Your hole is mine – A drillers tale.
The lead could be a woman called Chile (Chiliannya for the Bogues) and it could be called “Drilling for Chile”
I apologise in advance for any pain or suffering
F*ck you Simon. I now have that song in my head despite the fact I closed the window as soon as I saw the title.
To soothe your mind Shirley: A friday afternoon Rocking Disco Tranny
Awesome Viv. I must have that outfit, though I’d never look as good in it as that bitch.
She is tough competition – she dated Brian Jones, Bryan Ferry and was engaged to David Bowie before becoming Salvador Dali’s “Spiritual Wife”. Youtube some of her other disco tracks – the costumes are out of control. And most people had no idea she was a tranny….
The body doesn’t reveal her tranny status. The voice does. I shall be investigating this performer further.
Do you know the story behind that song Shirl?
Tell me.
Well Noiseworks wrote a new single they were quite proud of and was a bit different to their previous work. The record company did not like it and demanded something more radio friendly. They wrote Hot Chilli as a piss take of what a record company may like. They actually loved it and it went on to become their highest selling single. The band broke up soon thereafter.
The best of 1991. That was a slow year musically in Australia, clearly. Sweet jesus, I just remembered…. Collette “You can ring my bell” Yes, I echo Shirley, F*ck you Simon! Though we can still get that room, Crown Cas perhaps? We can hire a stretch Hummer, I will get a tandoori tan then we can glass c*nts before consumating it all in a pile of vomit, empty cruisers bottles and ripped Ed Hardy shirts.
You’re my kind of gal Hel!
can we watch Chilian porn to get in the mood?
Certainly.
“Caged Miners Get A Raise” should set the mood
Deep, Dark and Delicious could work as well.
“Deep, Dark and Dank, 33 Desperate Dudes in a hole, 69 Days in Mine”
I’ve got a nice subtle one for you.
32 men and 1 hot chilli woman in a cave root each other senseless to survive.
Will that work?
“Root each other raw” would be more subtle than “senseless” I think . Senseless implies a lack of control.
Should we subtitute jackhammer for root, just to keep with the mining theme of course.
Starring “Hot Chilli Woman – She’s Dynamite!!
“Shaft Love”
“Love Shaft 2 : Where’s My Canary?”
For the safe sex generation
Condom Cave- 32 men, 1 lady and a truckload of rubber.
“Cavity Search”
Love Shaft 3 – Return to the hole
…when one cavity leads to another. And another. And another.
Au de Tunnel – Can you smell what’s cooking?
“Tunnel Kunt”
Immediately sorry.
Where the hell did that come from. Have you started drinking Viv?
You can take the queen out of rural Qld, but you cant take Rural Qld out of the queen. Its a term of endearment where i come from.
Tunnel Kunt – The Gympie experience
Tunnel Kunt Does Toowoomba – She was Bored after 5 minutes….”
Tunnel Kunt vs Bundy Bear – Fighting & F*cking aye
Tunnel Kunt – She loves to go down
Tunnel Kunt – Bring Protection
Tunnel Kunt All in the family – The love that dare not speak it’s name.
Chilean porn: doing it with your Oakleys on.
“Chile Kunt: Deep, dark and dangerous”
La Kunt de Tunnel – The French Experience
Got it! “32 in the stink, one in the pink: a chilean love story”
Slow year? Read my Lips by Melissa? All of Rat Cat’s hits? I Touch Myself?
And then there was Better by The Screaming Jets, The Horses by our Darryl…. shall I go on?
You forgot “The Bartman” (f*ck I still know all the lyrics to that)
I was sticking the the Australian releases. Worst song of 91 had to be I’m Too Sexy.
I cannot believe it did not twig with me they had been in the hole 69 days, this thing is SCREAMING for a porno. Clearly, however, I am not bogue enough 😦
Were they really there 69 days? I just though Viv was using artistic licence.
69 days – although technically the last few were rescued on the 70th, but that can be ignored.
I still listen to that Ratcat album – I only recently noticed that Simon Day is actually in that ad on tv with those girls murdering his music on the back of a track. What a band!
Truck, not track.
So do I! I didn’t realise Simon Day was in that ad. I’ll have to look out for him next time.
He’s hanging out of a window watching them drive past killing his reputation as an artist.
John Williamson released the seminal Waratah Street in 1991.
My son would sing along with that ad, so I played him the original and even he recognised it as being infinitely superior. It’s now on his iTunes playlist.
And Simon Day is still HOT. How is it so??
He’s a Simon thats all.
Safe to assume he’s deranged as well then.
I just watched the ad to get a look at him. He is still hot. I guess he’s just one of the lucky ones.
I’d go with that assumption Viv. Probably unco as well.
yes Simon, 69 days, I bet they did that on purpose. Prob could have dug them out earlier but some bogan supervisor was like “NO f*cking way, make tell ’em its gonna take another 3 days so we can’t get ’em all out after 69 days! it’ss be fuck’n sic! Does this vest make my cans look big?”
I’m not sure if I recall correctly but I seem to remember seeing Ratcat and the Falling Joys play. If not the same night, the same weekend. Loved both of them anyuow.
Now Susie was hot!
They toured a festival day in 1991 called Summer of Love – also with The Clouds, and possibly Frente? Many others too. I saw it in Brisbane but I’m pretty sure Triple J toured it to all capital cities.
Would of been Brisbane Viv…I don’t recall Frente ( who were a lot better than given credit for. Damn that awful Kelly St!) but The Clouds ring a bell.
“Where are You Now” by Roxus… and of course, it was the year a certain cabaret singer made a Fairlie lame attempt to gain publicity and further her music career.
Collette’s “Ring My Bell” was a couple of years before 1991… http://www.australian-charts.com/showitem.asp?interpret=Collette&titel=Ring+My+Bell&cat=s
A thing priests like?
On a sad note the smh site the article on some porn studios shutting down due an HIV positive test has generated more hits than the opinion piece by the oxfam CEO wanting to still achieve the goal of halving world poverty by 2015.
The people posted were complainging about tax dollars being spent on aid.
BTW the porn article had a poll that close to 50% respondants were against “actors” wearing condoms as it would ruin the image…
FFS what is wrong with people? When did people become so damn selfish? People health is not something that can be gambled with for your entertainment.
Coming soon on Bogan Reality Network, Dicing With Death.
Will you take the odds?
Coming soon to the Bogan Lifestyle Channel:
“The Dick of Death Vs the Venereal Vag”
Pornos with a safe sex message seems a bit odd to me, personally. They’re fantasies, after all and I don’t think anyone has erotic thoughts about the moment of donning the ‘dom. Perhaps there should be more stringent testing for the lovely participants in this particular field of cinematics.
The problem is that a lot people don’t have the capacity to separate fantasy from reality and model their sexual behaviour based on what they see. This is discussed widely in the context of hard core porn hijacking sexuality and becoming considered the norm. The adult industry has a responsibility to educate the average punter about safe sex through example.
Also, no matter how stringently you test (and they are stringently tested), there is always a potential 3 month window period for HIV to be undetected after exposure. So a negative result today, can be a positive tomorrow.
Some gay porn companies use actors who are already HIV+ in barebacking films, however there is still the risk of the two virus’ mutating and becoming a megavirus, greatly reducing treatment options as the new virus has a whole new set of drug resistance as compared to teh original virus. And then there is the issue of contrating other diseases – chlamydia, gonorrhea,syphilis, HPV, HSV etc etc.
Condoms use should be non-negotiable on a pron set in my opinion.
Yeah I guess you’re right. I forget there’s people who can’t separate reality from fantasy.
They are called bogans, I believe.
I like the use of pron to benote work done by proffesionals. I take it pram is amater porn.
hilarious
Things Bogans Like: highjacking any topic possible to turn it into a discussion about pornography
Nah that’s not a thing bogans like. It’s a thing Viv, Simon and I like.
Hel, I believe you started the whole pornography topic today – pot meet kettle!
Hang your head in shame! I was being utterly self-referential! (Bogans don’t say that! I’m an enigma, wrapped in a riddle wrapped in Fionas left overs)
You didn’t roll your eyes for us Hel.
I’m just not maXtreme enough
Hel earlier today
“Do you think they will make a Gay Porno about the Chilean Miners plight? But to appeal to the massive bogan porn base, ”
Not that there is anything wrong with turning any topic into a porn movie.
No wonder everyone is preoccupied with sex,
look at the questions,
Big Holes, Gettin’ Lucky, Hot Pink,
“deviant and disobedient behaviour”
& Money.
We’re all going to hell, Wheeeeee!!!!!!
already there
I think the whole Chilean miners episode just demonstrates what the power of prayer can acheive.
Great ideas for porn movies?
Touche my love! I just saw an article that said “Chilean Miners came to blows” I bet they did………..
All your Qs answered.
http://gawker.com/5666262/chilean-miners-did-not-have-sex-with-each-other-you-perv
Perhaps, but an even better inspiration for a new bogan euphemism. “Trapped miners”: bogan expression for constipation. “Strewth mate, I need to eat a bit more fruit; got a coupla trapped miners down there”.
Dear fellow students of all things bogan-esque, can I change the focus for a moment please. I need your assistance to answer a question. You would have followed the story of Kiesha Abraham’s disappearance in south-western Sydney a few weeks ago. It was reported that her birth father was admitted to hospital at that time, apparently to have a toe amputated. I scoured the news reports, curious to find out what causes a young male bogan to lose a toe. But to no avail: ttp://theland.farmonline.com.au/news/metro/national/general/stepdad-asked-where-is-kieshas-body/1905968.aspx Was it because (1) he accidently discharged a rifle in the direction of his foot (2) he did it deliberately to evade conscription (3) disgusting personal hygiene (4) none of the above? Was any explanation given at that time?
He probably had an unfortunate experience with tunnel Kunt.
“Jesus Reached Me in My Hole”
Jesus and Tunnel Kunt – Two people, One gaping hole, just pray he gets out alive.
(sincere apologies Brad, Viv and Hel are bad influences)
Viv, I think there may be a part for Torn Assunder in this series of movies.
a part? this is how torn asunder will be introduced to the world. he will be the star.
chubbybloodfart live from a secret location in the North West Kimberley.
firstly may we express our sincere gratitude for the Friday BBo? We had no idea the miners were out, the Indian Sportal Schemozzle had been and gone (was there a bomb?), or that there even was such a thing as cocaine or schapelle. (we thought both were pure mythology)
Through a combination of (remote) circumstance and personal choice, we are not frequently exposed to the Kraken, so the friday round up is a great opportunity to have a bit of a point and laugh.
Sincere thanks.
So here we are in the West. Two things are immediately apparent on crossing the border; Westralians lack their Territorian neighbours passion for lobbing garbage out the windows of their cars and the Nyoongars are quite happy to wave and chat. In the territory the first time I tried to talk to an indigenous lad, he spat on the ground and walked off, the second woman just completely ignored me. Funny, but no one in the territory could tell me what the local name for aboriginals was (such as Koori, Murri, Nunga, Nyoongar etc) beyond a contraction of a longer word, something to do with cheese, or a word apparently approximating the sound a human might make bouncing off a bull-bar.
I’d spit too.
Didn’t get to see the Bungle Bungles. The road was closed.
Same at Windjana Gorge, so we didn’t do the Gibb River Road either.
Nevermind. Grey Gonads would have cut it to ribbons by this end of the season.
Ubiquitous Grey Gonads have become intermingled with Backpackers now too. Backpackers come barrelling into camp after dark, bang lame arse beats until way too late and do fire breathing and fire twirling in the middle off the desert. No joke. Who wants to practise their fire breathing 500 miles from a hospital? Fu€k off back to Byron Bay we say.
did you like the way I used the euro symbol there?
yeah.
me too.
Poignant.
I mean the kimberly is OK if you like spectacular rust coloured buttes and mesas rising out of desolate scrub and all that, and don’t get me wrong… i do like it.
But I miss this place.
nothing to do with bogans, but i thought fellow tbl-ers would appreciate this – watching sbs news, there was a story on the coming mid-term elections in the usa, and they interviewed an illinois steel worker named randy virgin. i think he could co-star with torn assunder.
…oh
and who wants to watch porn when you could be making your own.
unless it’s someone doing a blow up doll with a dildo.
that would be hot.
hey,
If I said I wanted to watch someone do a blow up doll with a dildo, but I actually didn’t want to watch someone do a blow up doll with a dildo, but I just thought the idea was hysterically funny, would that be sarcasm?
*tap* *tap*
is this thing on?
hey simon!
we did stop at the Crossing Inn!
last night actually.
you wouldn’t recognise the place. the bouncer had a breathalyser and wouldn’t let anyone in who blew over. at six pm the joint was still packed to the rafters and I suspect one or two of the patrons may have exceeded the limit soon after gaining entry. a big sign by the door saying if anyone hits a staff member they shut the whole joint. (that would definitely not go down well back at the Humpty Doo hotel) and then a big list of penalties for other offensive behaviour. no takeaways in the whole town except for Hahn Premium Light @ $25/sixpack. same story at Halls Creek and heaps of other places in the territory and FNQ/Cape York. in Katherine you have to show photo ID to buy grog, limit of one carton of beer or one bottle of spirits /person/day and any record of alcohol related infringeness means you can’t buy at all. no wine casks available anywhere outside a major city, though I did see Uncle pick up a dozen box of cleanskins in derby today. rare anywhere to be able to buy alcohol before 2pm or maybe midday at the earliest. By that time queues are generally aound the block. It was three o’clock before I got back to the car in Katherine!
What’s the world coming to?
odd that folks were more than happy to just bar up the windows and sell the stuff to all comers (and from any place in the NT – servo, newsagent, chip shop) for all those years and then complained about the trouble. they must be severely pissed off that the Nanny State has stepped in and interfered so drastically with their right to make money.
Personally I’d legalise huta in the communities and encourage all the corporations and land councils to grow and market it.
I’ll take your resources boom and raise you!
“Hey Brutha, you wanna smoke?”
Certainly changed since late 90’s. The Crossing used to be able to bee seen from satelites due to the enormous stcks of cans around it, and I mean huge. The summer floods would clean it out ready for the next year. All a bit sad really but you are right about the friendliness of the WA side, not really sure why this is.
Morning Simon, Edna says Hi.
the way you described the crossing sounds like a town called Elliot in the NT.
I heard that the NT gubmint is bringing in the ten cent bounty on drink containers. Someone in elliot is going to make a motza.
are people on the east coast aware that while they are waking up and going about their day, the folk in the west are still in bed?
lazy slugs.
must be why the locals are so cheery, it’s all that extra sleep.
the news was two hours late last night though. I complained to SBS.
speaking of SBS, we were continually assaulted by promos for food shows last night, especially during Iron Chef.
My psychiatrist says you can be too cynical, but I’m sure they are trotting out all the old shows again (hairy bikers, two fat ladies, food safari, a fork in the road etc.) in response to the masterchef phenom. Absurd really. As if bogans would ever be caught dead watching SBS, unless it’s for a transient soccer fad. They wont even really catch on to Bear Grylls until nine adds it to their roster. And anyway Iron Chef has absolutely nothing to do with food in the first place! It’s just a freak show.
I’m writing to SBS again.
after I have another coffee.
ok so I’m in a frenzy but access is rare for us these days, so I’m just getting my money’s worth.
I was reading the book bio’s and thought it would be funny to do the same.
My psychiatrist calls this grandiosity or egoism, I can never remember which.
Born in 1967, chubbybloodfart was abandoned by his parents on a shopping trip and raised by English Bull Terriers in the hills of Sandy Bay Tasmania. At the age of 13 he was deported to Kawana Waters QLD after suspicions of financing the Bader Meinhoff Group. After completing his PHD in psychonautics, Chubby embarked on extensive careers in the Military, Power Distribution, Arboriculture, Hospitality, Plantation Softwood, Surfboard Shaping, Phlebology, Solar Energy, Education, Long Haul Transport and Pre Fab Kitchen industries.
He is currently a Full Time Wastrel and Drifter and occasionally freelances as a Warrior Poet.
In 2009 he married eminent Philanthropist, Beauty Queen and Alleged Axe Murderer Edna Focke-Witte. They now have a two year old Bull Terrier of their own.
Chubby is presently touring Australia killing biting insects and looking at stuff.
He hopes to one day rob a bank.
garn.
Chubby your bio is worth 9,9,9,9,9 for sure. I esp liked the Phleabology, which I take to be the study of clots ? From the synopsis of Edna’s I can see thet her bio realy deserves a posting of its own.
Maybe TBL could throw open the floodgates by inviting bios from all the regulars ?What a hoot that would be.
Re the FAE, well in my real world bio I spent aboutfour years specialising in, importing advising the branches of the Australian Military and ,DMO and FDL on specialised batteries. everything from those that go into shells, bombs,missiles and launchers, torpedoes. It is endless realy everything that goes bang in the night has a battery in it. Even the ambush light was an aussie invention which with its mate the verysmall electric remote detonator were realy neat.
Realy aside fro FAE the son of FAE the Hypobaric weapon is todays nasty treat it is an explosive with lots of metal powder that gives a greatly extended explosion. boy does it creat overpressure and just sucks the air out of those caves in afganistan ”
Have a great trip Mrs H and I plan to go for a trip up the north west and the top end. Just waiting for her next pair of hip replacements as the existing ones are 17 and 18 years old and have started clicking so remote and hip dislocation dont go together.
go on Si.
if you do it, everyone will.
shirley, viv, tombarina, james, p!nky, will s, SD, mick, pb, james anti anti, martin, chairman miaow, benny, hel, alyssa KT, pandabater, antosha, nixie, fionas of balwyn and toorak, tone, common man, anti pajero, nelson esq, brimstone, bec, mandi, laura, ash, going bogue, artie, ummm…
everyone…
Chubs, how could I say no to you. I will get on it. I expect full participation. Quite looking forward to seeing what everyone comes up with.
OK, so I’ve just worked out what you’re on about Chubby, and for the first time, I will reveal that:
Scion of the ancient Hungarian Árpád dynasty, Sten finds himself in much-reduced circumstances, living in the vast child-rearing paddocks of Sydney’s far north.
Amongst other exploits, the notably eccentric Sten has completed a solo ascent of the fearsome north face of Victoria’s Mount Buggery while clad in a pineapple suit, spent a time as personal lackey to J R “Bob” Dobbs, descended to the depths of Maroubra’s Fortress, urinated in the front garden of the legendary Roy Slaven, undertook a mystical journey to Mount Victoria while heavily under the influence of Absinth and once flung his own faeces at Fembogue deity Paris Hilton. His hobbies have also included arson, Big Game hunting, bunyip wrestling and compulsive lying.
Now living in a secluded state of contemplative drunkenness, Sten devotes himself to such activities as plotting the ruin of Rob Schneider, the return to power of Galactic Emperor Xenu and the mockery of Bogans everywhere.
excellent.
I love arson!
where are you?
So, last night was ‘exciting new business opportunity’ night. Lots of talk about ‘time leverage’ and ‘wealth creation’. Oh, ‘earning money while you sleep’ was mentioned quite often.
My friends are nice people. I don’t hang out with tools. But their ‘unfeasibly wealthy in 18 months’ friends are massive tools. Condescending, pretentious, name-dropping fuckwits. I guess I didn’t help the cause by questioning their logic but you can’t let that special type of arrogance go by without comment. I did note that they kept clear of me after their ‘informal presentation’. Especially after I was into my second bottle of red.
And you were all correct. It was Amway. I bet these people glass dolphins.
Still in moderation? That will teach me to mind my potty mouth.
Anyhow, at the amway do last night I spied lots of good stuff…self-help books, powerbands, magnetic cure-alls and some jewelry that looked like it should be pandora but to be honest I wouldn’t know the difference. Yet the best of all was the energy drink.
XS. With a giant X. The S is giant too but not as giant as the X. Condescending man swears by his XS. Did I mention the giant X? Pure X awesomeness.
A question. Condescending man told me of a young chap who gave up a highly successful law career at 21and has made a motza out of amway. Now, I was thinking that at 21 the young chap would still be in Uni. (Note: I don’t know much about Universities. The only time I’ve been on the grounds is to watch YouAmI play.)
Is it possible that this man was misleading me?
utter crap – he might have finished his law degree but wouldn’t be admitted. generally that takes a while, and all the lawyers i know were around 23-24 when admitted to the bar and properlay practising lawyers.
damn incorrect spelling!
Mick,
They will all know someone who has made a packet and swear they are on the path and yet curiously all drive 20 year old Magnas.
some other things bogans like:
shouting things from cars.
Mary McKillop.
using other people’s blog for your blog.
see yez.
whoa!
James!
batteries?
I have a 40 amp hour gel battery for the telly and stuff and a 105 a/h for the fridge. The fridge is a waeco 40 litre and supposedly pulls 6amp on 12v power. at the moment it seems to suck the 105 dry in about six hours or about the same on the 40 a/h. It occurs to me that the 105 is fcuked. whaddaya reckon? is there a way to recondition a deep cycle lead acid or should I just buy a new one? is it possibly just the heat? seems I had no trouble ’til we crossed into the NT.
appreciated.
did you still want that .303/.25? Nice and cheap to reload, still drop a wallaby at 100metres.
YAY!
we probably love you best simon.
although viv is pretty hot…
Go on precis you b@stards!
Specific details regarding the life of Edna Focke-Witte are supressed by the United Nations Security Council in the interest of global peace but it is generally agreed her life story can be gleaned from a detailed examination of Pixies lyrics.
The following facts are known to be true:
Born in 1982, Edna achieved enlightenment after a four hour conversation with a wood sprite outside an Adelaide Night Club under the influence of MDMA and psilocybin. She subsequently became one of the world’s pre-eminent anorexics and spent 47 years hunting Nazis in Borneo and Lincolnshire, surviving by reading restaurant menus and inhaling farts mailed to her by wealthy relatives. Her interests are Kabuki Theatre, yodelling, skivvies (the wearing of) and splashing. After rejecting repeated proposals from Giovanni Ribisi she married chubbybloodfart in 2009 keeping her own name for professional reasons. She loathes sand and racism.
west coast!
Turnips I can see your house from here!
I’m sorry I forgot to mention you in the bio request. please indulge us.
pleeeeeaase…
cairns to broome via weipa, karumba, darwin and derby it’s been one of my best ever road trips. Esp with our new bogan awareness. Oh! The pointing and laughing!
Southern Cross Tattoo count stands at 226 after the Bogan in the Broome bottleshop.
(rubbery figures, but the aussie swazzie does appear to be veeery popular in the north, closely followed by seriously dodgy images of Ned Kelly) we have also learnt that up this way bogans don’t drive chevrodores, they drive land cruisers. I actually saw one with the rubber nurries on the tow bar too!
also
just finished listening to kingsmill’s new music show on JJJ. (why is everything two hours late here?) when the f#ck did music get so damn wet and weak and derivative?
does the bogan like wet and weak music? I think so.
It likes what it is told to like.
Mick, condolences again. I thought amway went out with the Sega Megadrive.
Wait until you get to Port Hedland Chubb. You’ll need pen and paper to keep track of aussie-pride type tatts there.
I would suggest turning left once you go past the airport and head straight to Karratha. But then you’ll miss the sights. Big boats and a big salt pile. That’s about it.
Chubs, I often wonder about the music thing. Are we just looking back with rose colored glasses but I think we had some genuinely exciting music released as we grew up. I listen to new releases today and can’t seem to find anything to grab my imagination. Am I looking in the wrong places. I quite like Eddie Current Suppresion Ring and um, um well you see the problem. It does all seem to sound a bit lame 80’s ish. But lame 80’s did give rise to a bit of a renaissance so hopefully history will repeat.
Simon – Glasser at Arms
Purveyor of Puns
Writer of Rhymes
Glasser of C*nts
Simon was raised in rural WA by a family of snobs in the old fashioned don’t come in the house until its dark fashion, which goes part of the way to explaining his lack of familiarity with technology. His life philosophy is that 95% of people are morons, on certain days this % is bumped up. After receiving formal education and learning to drink and drive at Ag College Simon moved to Far Northern WA to work in the livestock industry and continue his study into the effects of Rum on the human body.
Here Simon met his future wife and ceased drinking rum, preferring red wine instead. A short stay in Rockhampton taught Simon that all they say about Queenslanders is true (with rare exceptions Shirl and Tomba) and he moved on to Adelaide.
He is currently married to a wife who stops laughing at his jokes 5 days a month and never knows why she does this (the wife that is), has 2 dogs and works in a sales based job which affords him opportunity to observe the bogan closely.
Despite numerous attempts to have a sporting career Simon is held back by lack of gross motor skills. He is currently exploring cycling as a route to world wide fame and adulation but is probably too old now.
Ash – Corporate Lawyer cum Lingerie Model
Ash was raised by an Indian father and Fijian mother in the southern Sydney suburb of Woolooware, also known as a bogan hotbed. This experience gave Ash the skills required to identify the bogan and take advantage of them.
Currently, Ash is a student at the University of New South Wales studying Media and Political Science. Despite his username, Ash is not a corporate lawyer and his dream of becoming a lingerie model was dashed on account of having a penis.
Vivisection – A Cautionary Tale for New Parents.
Raised by borderline bogans, in a variety of QLD bogan strongholds, Vivisection fled the nest at 17 and just like Charlene he saw some things a woman aint supposed to see. A three year stint living amongst separatist lesbians (who mostly have since turned straight, had children and live in northern NSW) left Vivisection with a complex, often contradictory personality. Years spent living by the maxim “If you don’t wanna F#ck me baby, F#ck Off” has left a Vivisection with a soul that is often described as Torn Assunder.
Since meeting Mr Viv 11 years ago, Vivisection, despite continuing to tattoo himself from asshole to breakfast, has settled down into a sensible, demure life. He now continually improves himself by watching craptastic horror films and undertaking informal studies about Trannie rock, pop and punk music. He expects to graduate form the University of Life, Youtube Campus in the near future.
Vivisection can be lead astray easily and takes great delight in this happening. Lure him with filth, he will be there.
pb was born in 1983 in the st george district of sydney, known until recently only for the inability of its local rugby league team to win anything. pb’s youth was largely uneventful, until her discovery at age 13 of her ability to communicate telepathically with public transport. this led to many years touring the lucrative school fete circuit, performing amazing telepathic feats with buses, trains, and trams, until an unfortunate incident with a sea plane, the details of which are suppressed in an out of court settlement.
since leaving school, pb has done extraodinarily well in avoiding the ‘real world’ by spending the vast majority of her time at universities, where she is again currently engaged. in early 2010, pb discovered tbl, achieved enlightenment, and quickly rose through the ranks to become resident fashion police/fashion designer. her next collection has been inspired by hey hey its saturday and is made entirely of personalised numberplates, power balance bands, and old boost juice containers.
When Tarantino and Rodriguez teamed up to create ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’, the only thing they had in common was their cool filmmaker status. Similarities can be seen in the collaboration that created Shirley Mullet. The contributions of the two country creators were conflicting and often non-sensical but somehow the end product worked, despite what the critics said, and Shirley now enjoys a cult status of her own.
Despite being relatively clever, Shirley lacked the ability to keep up with the latest hairstyles, fashions and acceptable heartthrobs, and thus was shunned by her own sex at an early age. She evolved into a scruffy, skateboarding, musician stoner and remained that way through most of her formative years (except for the skateboard, which she ceremoniously rode down a hill whilst it was on fire when she was 17, after accepting that she was rubbish at skateboarding).
Shirley has had two epiphanies (besides the drug induced ones) in life. The first was in 2004 when she posed as the lead singer of a glam rock band. As a result, she is now addicted to self-humiliation whether in front of a live audience or an internet facilitated one. The second came at the moment her son was born. Shirley now staunchly believes that children are far better people than adults, which makes the labour intensive nature of owning one worthwhile.
Shirley is an aficionado of creative cursing, haikus, monopoly, being unable to choose a career, not mowing lawns, knowledge and all the other stuff that people generally like.
Lurved the write ups!
SD is from the lovely Malabar coast of India which explains her fondness for coconuts. Subsequently she and her siblings departed from its shores and were dragged around India and the globe (always accompanied by her Mona doll) by her parents eventually making her a true coconut – a maxtreme darkie with a dubious predilection for twee white things like Belle and Sebastian and Jane Austen. She always has at least 6 voluminous items of clothing on her, hates veils and one day hopes to wear a bikini and be totally empowered.
awesome!
don’t stop now!!!
we love youse all!
Mick was born at a very young age in the 60’s and quickly turned into what his mother could only describe as “a worry”. Whilst being dragged around country Queensland he quickly developed a love for 70’s hair, fashion and music. Fortunately, his hair fell out but the fashion remains.
A love for alcohol enveloped Mick in his days after school, quickly dragging him into the direction of boganhood. Attempts to get Mick to talk about those days proved troublesome. He is of the opinion that his brain only started fuctioning again on the day he left Toowoomba. None of his friends were able to recall what happened in those years.
Today, Mick looks back at a sporting career as only an ex-jock can…with a total lack of reality. He spends his days trying to educate himself and his nights googling Avatar porn. He hopes to one day combine the two.
simon
re: music
dunno if you’ll ever see this, being in the past an’ all, but
I don’t know about rose glasses. I can still dig on some new music, so I don’t think it’s just me becoming an old bugger. I dug LCD, Kasabian, Vultures, I’ll give you Eddy Current and raise you Children Collide for OzMusic, but I was so disappointed with 2010 last night. granted kingsmill is a record company stooge, but it’s all angus & julia and grizzly bear. Gimme a break! Where’s the regurgitator? Where’s the spiderbait? Where’s the You Am I? Don’t get me wrong, I can dig on some downbeat and chill – two lone swordsmen, bonobo, boards of canada, blah blah blah. so I dont have to rock out, but it’s all just so weak and insipid. where’s the billy bragg, where’s the midnight oil, where’s the conscience? The Kids have drunk the damn Kool Ade Simon! No doubt this is a factor in the cursed bogue menace, no-one questions any more, they just swallow it whole. Maybe this is the music of comfort and indolence. where’s the innovation? Where’s the sonic youth? Where’s the Pixies? God’s help me if anyone says vampire weekend or those sad gits from perth with their sad “psychedelia” guff, I’ll vomit. and the retro kink! One of the TBL staff enunciated it beautifully, explaining kids can’t dig on anything which happened in their lifetime as being cool. He went on to predict a bunch of nirvana inspired retro bands in the next few years. dunno about nirvana, but we do have silversun pickups, the archie bronson outfit, the duke spirit, clearly “nineties bands”.
the bottom line?
people are too prepared to settle for less. just shut up and do what you’re told. I heard todd sampson say “the more people think, the less they spend.”
and from jarvis cocker: “cnuts are still running the world” the cnuts are winning simon! this sad insipid consumerist garbage is proof positive.
hopefully the spawn of Gen Y will be Gen Anarchy and they will smash the whole f#cking thing again.
and maybe that’s just the pattern… Innovation and passion are co-opted to the market eventually until another wave of uostarts come along and smash it up again.
I should try doing this straight and sober one day.
Cheers Buddy!
Good work Chub,
That seems to echo my thoughts. Whilst there are some competent bands out there I just feel a lack of passion, on both sides. There is nothing that I want to pursue. I just think that’s a good song and forget it 5 minutes later. I still remember the first time I heard the Pixies like it was yesterday. Thinking who are those mad f*ckers screaming about slicing eyeballs and I just needed to know, you know?
As youngsters you probably feel more passion and it is all new but I would like to think I can still recognise a good thing when I hear it. Vampire weekend suck donkey balls with their faux reggae crap and Kingsmill has always had crap taste. It will come full circle, it has to cos this sh*t does my head in.
Simon, Chubby, I pretty much only listen to old music now – there is such a rich vein of talent from the past to explore that never made it into the mainstream spotlight. It’s more interesting to discover these than listen to the mediocre rot that gets churned out today. It all sounds the same! *eyes rolling*. Go to the back catalogues, its more fun.
I approve of this message, and I’m one of the “kids” you speak of.
Don’t worry, eventually some of us will create something awesome which our generation can be proud of.
I love Laura Marling, she’s only 20. Does that count? I don’t mind youth culture at all, lots of kids are very good and also do their best to negotiate and be untouched by a world that is saturated with banal marketing because of the olds.
It was different here but when we got MTV in India in the early 90s it was mainly the hyped up stuff of the 70s and 80s that got played as cool – and it really sucked big time-I still cringe when I hear that 80s sound. Plus my relos would listen to it and bemoan the decline of Western civilisation and have some favs from I don’t know some dinosaur age.
IMO the popular stuff never changes-it’s just nostalgia that makes one think it was better.
Tombarina is the first-born of parents who really should have quit while they were ahead. Regrettably, they spawned not one but two subsequent progeny.
This mathematical ludicrousity– three kids, but only two rear-seat car doors –led to predictably violent results during the annual 2000km pilgrimage from outback Qld to the beach in an un-airconditioned Kingswood. The fact that any, let alone all, survived holiday-induced parental wrath is the clinching miracle that got La MacKillop over the line, the saucy minx.
Young Tombarina’s gnat-like attention span, self-righteousness and unusually resilient liver clearly signposted but one career – journalism.
Taking care to work only for mediocre publications, she shone, producing reams of champagne copy plugging Rocky Brahman Week, Feedstuffs’R’Us and the Gayndah Pumpkin Festival. She broke exclusives on council’s darstardly plot to jack up dog rego fees by $1.20 a year, and when Brown Owl called out for a Give Way sign in front of the local Guide Hut, Tombarina proved to be a potent ally in the quest for child safety.
One day, it dawned upon Tombarina that media salaries were horrid and that spin paid waaaayyyyy better. Ergo, she is now a happy little sellout. She lives in Brisbane with her Beloved, Sole Offspring and a one-eyed Blue Heeler, and enjoys Morris dancing, cheap wine and judging others.
Urban Reverie grew up in the 1980s way out on the edge of one of the far-flung galactic spiral arms which radiate out from Sydney. It was a land of people who thought the Daily Mirror was gospel truth, where pink plastic bangles were considered fine jewellery and where Sizzler was haute cuisine.
Young Urban despised this land from a very early age. His fondest childhood memories consist of Grandma Reverie and/or Granddad Reverie taking him on train trips away from this despised land into the city to the State Library, the Botanic Gardens and the Australian Museum where he impressed and annoyed the staff with lots of detailed questions about the names of dinosaurs.
Being a bright lad, the bogans in this land thought young Urban was some sort of oracle, and would constantly pester him for this week’s Go-Lotto numbers. Papa Reverie once won $50 at the pub when five-year-old Urban correctly named the capital city of Canada. Urban is yet to see a cent of this.
Urban’s childhood dream was to live in a small flat in the inner city by himself where he could play with his computer, learn musical instruments and cook whatever he wanted, and generally be the master of his own domain. Which he now does.
Urban moved to Queensland some time ago, only to find that it’s just as bogan as where he came from. A job in a call centre and extensive travel has taught him that everywhere in Australia is as bogan as everywhere else.
Urban Reverie has a life-long fascination with cities and how they work, and is about half-way through a degree in Urban Development. He strongly believes that the urban environment and social conditions have the most profound influence on human behaviour, and that if only we rationally planned our societies, the bogan menace would be greatly attenuated.
Contrary to popular belief, Urban Reverie has no sense of humour, and thinks TBL is actually a scholarly sociological journal.
Urban likes to exercise and does a metric crapload of walking (including bushwalking), and has just taken up cycling. Unfortunately, Urban is also cursed with splendid culinary skills, with the result that he can’t get enough of what he cooks. Which renders his efforts to get fit null and void.
“Give me the boy until he is seven and I will give you the man”.
M E Nelson Esquire’s Anglophile parents picked him up in the pre-Christmas sales of 1971, to become the often neglected middle child of the three Nelson brothers. The middle Nelson grew up in the comfortable bogan-free surrounds of the inner South Eastern suburbs of Melbourne, where table manners, social graces and etiquette were enforced and right wing beliefs and the virtues of the English class system extolled. However, behind the nice middle-class fascade, young Nelson was the victim of child abuse, in the form of being made to wear cable knit jumpers and brown corduroy flared trousers. The abuse continued into the early 1980’s, when Nelson’s Luddite mother denied her brood colour television, VCR’s and computer games which led to many school yard tauntings, especially amongst the richer children.
Although living comfortably in the leafy ‘posh’ suburbs, Nelson’s middle class family were not quite as well off as others in the area. Family Summer Holiday’s were not spent in Noosa or Portsea like the richer folk, but often being thrown into the back of the Falcon, burning ourselves on the vinyl seats and metal seatbeat buckles, to go off camping in the Snowy mountains. Bogans like camping. Many bogans were encountered on these trips.
Whilst the majority of Nelson’s formal education was conducted at private schools, a final year in the public system gave him his ‘rool’ edumacation amongst ‘rool’ people (read: Bogans), opening his eyes to the ‘rool world’. Being branded a ‘private school poofter’ by many bogan class mates, Nelson stuck his head into the books and did surprisingly well. Nelson got himself both book smarts and street smarts.
Nelson and alarge bunch of V8 loving bogans were branded ‘arseholes’ with by Jim Richards during another eye-opening camping trip to Bathurst in 1992. The bogans cheered at being called an arsehole, Nelson cringed. He was also branded a ‘wuss’ by the McPhillarmy Park bogans for not drinking anywhere near the daily 24 can limit.
After finishing a Commerce degree at University in the early 90’s, Nelson struggled to find a decent job during the recession we had to have. During a period of factory work Nelson was exposed to more bogans, unionism, leftist beliefs and the death of Bob Hawke’s Accord system by the introduction of the Liberal’s Individual Workplace Agreements. Workplace Agreements stripped Nelson’s and all the factory bogans rights and whittled their stupidly large paypacket for doing dull repetive labour down to something not worth working for. Nelson and the factory bogans were outraged.
In disgust, Nelson moved to the UK for several years and endeavoured to better understand his parents Anglophilism whilst there. In the UK, Nelson was exposed to a country with a high cost of living and which at the time did not have a minimum wage. After several very shitty jobs working with chavs for stuff all money, Nelson was forced to survive on rice an 39p cheeseburgers from McDonald’s. More real life education. Nelson eventually found well paying work in the UK and travelled around Europe; to hold up the leaning tower of Pisa, to drink beer at Oktoberfest and to celebrate the Australian victory at Gallipoli. In spite of doing all of this, Nelson remembered his childhood lessons from his mother about being nice, respectful and not acting like a dickhead in public. Once again, Nelson found himself to be the one non-bogan amongst a bunch of bogans.
On his return to the land of his birth, Nelson rejected many of the wheres and ways of his early upbringing and moved to the bogan fringe in Melbourne’s North Western suburbs. He bought himself a big LCD colour TV and a Holden Commodore (V6, unmodified and Holden badges intact) and in 2007 for the first time in his life, voted Labor (a decision he now regrets).
In spite of lifetime of bogan exposure in school, at work and in life in general and liking many things that bogans also like, Nelson to this day remains un-bogan. This is due to the total non-bogan environment he was exposed to until the age of seven. However he believes that bogan exposure later in life has made him a better, more rounded and more tolerant individual than what he would otherwise had turned out to be if he had stayed in the bogan-free ivory tower of posh suburbs and private schools. From within the bogan suburb sancturn in which he lives, for the sake of his two young daughters, Nelson is committed to ridding the world of boganity, by setting a fine example in everything non-bogan he does, to encourage bogans to also become non-bogan.
Dgusten was born in 1982, five years after the birth of the last of 2 older siblings. He maintains that the obvious accidentalness of his conception was not the most awkward in the family, given his parents’ shotgun wedding 4 months out from his eldest brother’s birth.
Dgusten always felt he was too intelligent for this world, or at least too intelligent for the Catholic boys’ high school he attended in the middle suburbs of Melbourne. Studying law at university proved the latter to be truer than the former.
Luckily, Dgusten managed to become the least bogan member of his family, which in turn is the least bogan family in his extended family. As many of us do, Dgusten and his family flirted briefly with maxtreme boganism thanks to a boom period for the father’s business dealings in the 80s, a period which involved, amongst other things, a boat, holidays on the Gold Coast and a poker machine in the pool room. But he and his family somehow kept reasonably well-grounded, leaving them to later both laugh and cringe at the rise of the bogan throughout the 90s and early 2000s.
Dgusten has for several years been working as a lawyer, although he not so secretly wishes he was good at something/anything else… like creating a much-loved blog about bogans or such like.
Most recently, Dgusten caught gay, which was interesting. He also has an enduring love of ellipses…
Pandabater cannot reveal his past as he is a member of The IBA, The International Bamboo Alliance.
This group is dedicated to the salvation of all Bamboo species worldwide.
And their greatest enemy is those black & white chinese bastards.
They must be stopped before all Bamboo is wiped out.
Efforts over the past decades were nearly successful in the eradication of our enemies but the rise of the “Do Gooder” has resulted in the explosion of numbers & genocide is only a few short years away.
STOP THE SLAUGHTER ! ! !
SAVE THE CANE ! ! !
Tone materialised this world in 1976 through an intergalactic portal. Nobody is certain of which world from which he originated; what we do know is that the Earth side of the portal was located deep in Adelaide’s Northern Crime Belt.
Whilst little is known of Tone’s home planet, it has been suggested that intelligence and linguistic cunning are its two most highly prized attributes. Why Tone was sent through the portal and dropped off somewhere where these attributes would attract daily attempts at glassware-cranial interfacing is a mystery.
There are theories, one of which being that Tone is a double agent for his home planet and that he was sent down in a humanoid form for fact finding. He is programmed to feel most human emotions and to respond accordingly, which probably explains why he developed a deep-seated contempt towards the lower classes, as he was on the receiving end of much abuse from end of the socio-economic spectrum during his early years on Earth.
Sometime in the late 1990s, Tone broke his programming and started to integrate into normal (non-feral) society. This process has been long and arduous, however he has made significant progress since the deprogramming began.
He is interested in Boganology so that he may understand the mindset behind the culture in which he was involuntarily immersed during his formative years. Whilst the manifestation of boganity may have changed somewhat with the rise of the bogan’s personal wealth, the core principles or boganity – including but not limited to the relentless pursuit of mediocrity – have remained basically unchanged. He is studying for his BBo via correspondence.
Tone’s interests include curling, yelling obscenities at inanimate objects and beekeeping. When Tone grows up, he wants to be Kermit The Frog.
so much gratitude to those who have bio’d thus far.
it’s fabulous to see how much we all have in common. personally, I love screaming at inanimates, think pandas should be left to their evolutionary destiny, once burnt a skateboard resulting in a nasty accident with a seaplane, caught gay for a weekend and consequently became a lingerie model despite having a penis (Fish Eyes!). I delight in filth and have a particular passion for blue “side boob”, I once wore a bikini with a veil and felt massively empowered. I too burnt my flesh on vinyl seats as a child and was afflicted with bogan siblings. I am a private school poofter and wish I could write an humourous satirical blog about anything. My most recent travels have resoundingly confirmed that most humans are morons, especially once you get more than four of them in one place and everywhere in australia is about as bogan as anywhere else. I have come out of it all with a curious interest in danish history for some reason though…
six degrees. we are one.
heading south to the digital wilderness.
much love Beautiful Mutants.
LOL.
Fiona is the result of a pairing with a mater properly described as a “classic beauty” and a pater of both impeccable breeding and old money, her very name is synonymous with class, decorum and breeding. She was educated at the finest schools here in Melbourne (early life) and Europe (for finishing).
Moving back home, she mingled with the local riff raff in her undergraduate degree at the University of Melbourne before moving to the mother country to complete her higher degree in the Classics (at Oxbridge). Upon completion, she returned to Toorak and the ancestral manse and dedicated her life to helping those less fortunate than her (i.e., everyone) by providing instructive commentary on their pitiful lives.
She first came to public notice via the Herald Sun comments section, before being banned by that rapscallion of a sub editor, Bernard Slattery. She then moved on to Twitter and TBL where her witty repartee and incisive social commentary is rapturously devoured by all on a daily basis.
Best pop my bio in here, don’t want o miss the bogue boat, slight edit for posterity! Also change it so I am not making kissy duck faces at Simon ❤
A lapsed Catholic with a love of ill informed gambling and footy tipping, hel is currently trying to make it as a pro photographer and in her down time enjoys burning off the Boost Juice and Krispy Kreme donuts with Zumba and Wii fit. In honour of her mothers Pole Dancing past, hel can often be found burning up the dance floor at The Cas, imparting her diverse musical knowledge on the DJ with unsolicited music requests. She enjoys all the tunes in the cultural music stew, a favorite song would be “Paper Planes” by that Indian chick. Hel is not racist but normally I wouldn’t listen to that shit, even when eating a nice Butter Chicken. She also enjoys Aussie hip hop and MIchael Buble. She makes a point of keeping up to date on current affairs as education means a great deal to hel, a passion she wishes to instil in her twin daughters Tellika and Chanel and enjoys ACA and TT, allowing her to stay abreast of tropical events in the media. Currently decorating her new home in an a great suburb, miles from any form of infrastructure and with the added bonus of the block being only nominally larger than her home (no gardening), she has developed a love of Buddhist iconography and when not too busy with these pursuits finds the time to plan her wedding in Thailand, (which they got a great deal on travel for with Jetstar). She also supports her partner Jaysun, who works in a trade, in his current pastime of getting huge for the impending nuptuals, which is almost a full time occupation, especially since this increased ego and size have resulted in numerous glassing incidents, one where his victim had the audacity to fight back and nearly put an unslightly scar through his South Cross Tattoo. All in all hel is a top chick who only frequents things such as TBL to laugh at Fionas large ass
If anyone notes the “tropical” you do not deserve to be allowed here.
The Battlers Prince: An autobiography (not official)
Born to Queenslanders in Victoria and raised in NSW, The Battlers Prince had it against him right from the start; with no common identity to relate to, it was a blessing in disguise. These unusual circumstances gave birth to a canny ability of being able blend into any environment without actually disturbing it; traits that spit in the face of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle.
Growing up in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, a cultural melting pot of pseudo-elitism and maXXXtreme boganinity, The Battlers Prince experienced and observed the unique machinations of the extreme sides of Australian culture. 13 years of Catholic education warped his mind from a God-fearing delinquent with an uncoordination complex during his primary years to a cynical, disillusioned secondary student, exacerbated by experiencing the unique environment of an all-boys Catholic high school.
Having exercised all energies into extra-curricular activities during his final years of his compulsory education (sex, drugs, rock n roll, sans the sex and drugs part), he came to realise that there was no thought put into his long term future. So much like Jesus wandered the desert for 40 days and nights, The Battlers Prince engaged in a 4 year journey of self-discovery, which eventuated in much enlightenment, but mostly for the benefit of others and not his own.
So eventually he did as what any other wayward soul would do and joined the family business; in his case, the Royal Australian Navy. Here he encountered persons from every corner of this barren, desolate continent, locked together in the one area for the one true noble cause; shoot guns, drink, swear and root like a sailor. Naturally, this environment acted as a petri dish for cultivating and reinforcing a boganic culture. So The Battlers Prince once again engaged and observed this unique phenomena that had so long been erased from his memory during his self-imposed four year exile.
He came to the realisation that this mindset propagated the Australian psyche on maXXXtremely unhealthy levels. Was he going to sit idly by while this menace continued to infest all levels of society? It was this moment that kindled the spark for his own noble cause.
So naturally, he pleaded insanity (‘symptoms’ included refusal to drink, swear casually and trade copious amounts of hard drives dedicated to all forms of pornography), was discharged promptly and now is engaged at university, dedicated to expunge (or at least educate about) the dangers of maXXXtreme boganinity amongst the new youth of today.
The Battlers Prince now lives in the North Shore of Sydney, a refuge for the pseudo-elite, quite literally underneath the transmission tower of the Nein Network studios. To show he is not totally maligned against the bogan, he lives with three of them; one from the hub of NSW rural boganinity (the Central Coast); another from one of the contenders for bogan capital city of Australia that is an actual capital city (Adelaide); and a pseudo-elite from the Eastern Suburbs who displays the traits of a bogan (i.e. misspelled first name and loud, raucous behaviour when inebriated). If they’re reading this, he loves them all for who they are and hopes they realise his poor attempt at satire expressed here are meant to both inflate his own pseudo-elite standing amongst the internet community, and distance himself from his own expressions of bogan culture he may (actually, most certainly HAS) partaken in the past…
Nice. Loved the Heisenberg referrence!
Brraad was born in the early 70,s in Noble Park-not of nobility,and was raised by rabid Magpies-not rabid dogs.A constant diet of 70,s rock,colourful cultural diversity,catholic indoctrination and collingwood indocrination set one up for what seemed a well balanced and functional coarse until i was uprooted and thrust into the jaded greenary of football,meat-pies,kangaroos and holden cars that is Melbournes outer east.A stint at a “boys-only” cathlotonic collage that ended in mutual buggery saw oneself’s presence gracing the halls of the public schooling system whereupon i learnt amongst other things bad grammer,girls can be nice,and unadulterated uneducation was for me which led to me to spend a good part of my 20,s in a debauched haze,traveling far and low,funded by high yeild,low effort vocations(cheers CFMEU)
Alas the penny dropped one day while celebrating my 28th year on the side of the road with a busted bike and bones that one maybe should be adulterated and educated,and Jesus called to me(ha ha) no it was my brother saying get your shite in order.
Got meself some proper learnen on all things building,moved in with some more learned mates in fancy schmancy inner city environs and kept ones bedding dignified.
Sometime later i met a fair maiden and we both came down with a fever that kept us bed-ridden not for days or weeks,but months so i left my good freinds to attend to our illness and we purchashed a sanoturium in the leafy hills from whenced i came from.
The story starts anew everyday now as my little ones lives unfold-truly a fairy tale just like i told.
Love the story’s people’s.
Pinky Has A Brain: A Brief History in Pink (aka “La Vie en Rose”)
Pinky was born in 1977, when lapels where large and her father still had hair. Her town of birth was Subiaco, Western Australia a stone’s throw from aspirational bogan heroes Alan Bond and Lang Hancock, but her father was soon transferred back to the more respectable middle class suburbs of Melbourne.
Pinky was (and remains to this day) the second heir to the family name and was given, as has been done for generations, a French first name. The one and only act of boganity that Lord and Lady Pinky ever participated in, was to anglicise her name from ‘Rosâtre a un cerveau’ to ‘Pinky has a brain’.
Educated privately, Pinky was known at her elitist girls’ school as the one who was always up to something, but was never caught red handed. Much to her PE teacher’s disgust and Pinky’s amusement.
As a child Pinky was known for randomly falling over and having a natural talent for dance. From the age of 5 to 14 she was graceful on stage and a complete klutz off stage.
As a teen Pinky was diagnosed with depression and treated with what she likes to call ‘The Zombie Drugs’ that were popular in psychiatry in the early 90’s.
Being from such a sedate, FoT-like background led to young Pinky being very sheltered from the often bizarre antics of the bogan. However, she has recently (since the advent of TBL) realised that she did in fact know many Maxxxtreme-CUB’s. On reflection, this has given Pinky many, many belly laughs.
Pinky pretty much dislikes everything about the Bogan, but mainly their ability to legally abuse their children by naming them such names as Dakarie (Daiquiri) and Magnetah (Magenta).
Pinky’s only bogan blunder, is that out of stupidity, she married a full on CUB. She looks at this experience as one of naivety, having been so sheltered in her safe middle class suburb.
Pinky now volunteers as an advocate/social worker for people with high-end mental health issues, and she brings an immense amount of passion to the role having experienced mental illness. She is planning to be paid for this very soon. For the work, that is. Not for being mentally ill.
Pinky’s hobbies include pulling faces and distorting them even more in a Mac app called Photobooth; using up her entire monthly broadband quota on watching shows on ABC iView; and arguing with whiny self-righteous deluded religious fundamentalists.
Must give a HUGE shout out to Urban for his help!! CHEERS DUDE!!!!!
Everyone’s allowed one “full-on bogan blunder”, Pinkster.
Marrying a CUB is, admittedly, a cracker but we all have at least one bogueschlockker in our past – or present. I, for example, love Metallica. Love, love, love. And am counting down the sleeps to Bon Jovi.
I know – that’s two. But I’m hoping I can credit my long-standing adoration for Red Kezza O’Brien, passion for Clive James and unbridled lust for Tim Minchin against these two muzakal crimes and plea-bargain down to one…if it pleases the court.
The court finds you not guilty of any crimes Tomba. Your the most unbogan person. LOLz I like one Metallica Album and I love Bon Jovi. I grew up with that music, so it’s a bit bogan but it’s also a bit daggy. 😀
Tim Minchin is AWESOME so I’ll glass ya for him, Clive James is just adorable and I have an odd crush on him since my early teens. Kezz cracks me up.
I put my marriage either down to wanting to ‘slum it’ for a while (I have no idea why, rebellion? lol). I find it funny most of the time 😉
Nothing wrong with Metallica, Tombarina! Indeed, Master of Puppets is still on heavy rotation at stately Árpád manor.
Bogans like post-Black Album Metallica. Modern Metallica is just Nickelback Plus.
Love the bio, Pinky. Your high-school experience sounds somewhat similar to mine, apart from that I went to a co-ed, VERY public school. The fact my cronies and I got away with as much as we did never ceases to amaze me – I’d tell you all about it, but even today, it would still land me in maxXxtreme strife if the wrong people heard about it.
Suffice it to say that a later acquaintance of mine’s father said my cronies and I should’ve been shot for some of the stuff we got away with!
Hey Sten,
Glad to hear you are back in the workforce. You should be able to regale us with bogue tales from behind the bar.
One thing I’ve learned, Simon, is that there is a surprising number of Germans living in my suburb… which is good, because I wouldn’t mind brushing up on my German, and the ones I’ve spoken to seem quite impressed that I’ve been there and taken away a favourable impression of the place.
But yes, Bogue stories will certainly be forthcoming.
Early in 78, somewhere in the n/e of vic just a mere glimmer in my alcoholic turned evangelicast father’s eye ,esmae watson delievered a package to the front door.The Shocked couple unwrapped the basket to find this cute little beast we now refer to as “fatso”.But being of blue eyed blond hair surfer look they were sympathetic enough to throw me in the “hudson wasp” and get a vet check to assure i was unchipped for safekeeping.
Growing up in a sport blinded town and family of middle class(both parents worked) i had to follow suit while unaware neither would help me later in life.So i participated,even reprsented my state in several events but due to those screaming feral sporting parents soon grew tired of the pressure.And THEY wern’t even my own,hence turning to sole related hobbies where you only get back what you put in(no carrying lazy teamates) which also carried over to my staunch work ethics.
As a lady’s boy i was doing well,until i lost my brain during a late puberty spurt and proceded to burn any decent bridge i then had, A bit like the john laws darren hinch starts(totally uneducated/homeless at 15)spiralling down the boganic road to stardom i thought pedalling “elbows” weekly for years was a cool thing as i got heaps of everything the bogan dreams about.But to no avail as it was all under false pretences(yes i was aware)
And this was when i learnt about universities but as a dial a deal not a student per-se,To which some im still friends with even after their graduation of buisness economics,one went one to manage a massive linfox owned company whilst the other is a roadtrain driver lol!!
A decade on of seeing what the bottom was like i vowed never to return there again cutting of all but a few from my “underbelly days” and returning to my strict upbringing morals minus the fruity father, things coudn’t be better as i always was intereted in worldly education and opinions i just never learnt how to express those in a literate or elequent manner.Thus is why i enjoy reading everyone’s manner of communicating without the maxtreme verbal cues.YES it may sound corny but life is only what you make it and brain over braun anyday as most would understand when becoming parenting age themselfs.
So these days “CM” leads a fairly mundane life supporting a mortgage and nice things(not must have brands) trying to avoid bogan barbecue invites and enjoys adrenaline packed hobbies which is the placebo for my earlier years,qiuet nights enjoying the abc’s media watch,etc,etc,Socialising well away from nightclubs and most of importance SATIRE!!!
PS.Fav movie..worlds fastest india
ps.fav city..melbourne
Thanks CM. Your eloquence is expanding exponentially!
Like a snowball gathering steam.
*giggles* @S.G.A. Well you did give me the “elusive” theme to run with.And thankyou.? Has anyone figured out the glitch with the wordpress memory yet. As the gravatar is remembered but not your entry details. I hear spacebook has dropped there print size through the wash as well.Much like the book size hey tbl?