The bogan female, for some reason it can’t really explain, just loves Brazil. It has never been. It would probably struggle to name two cities from that country. It is unaware what the national language is, or what any local cuisine might look or taste like. But it loves Brazil. The flag has the Southern Cross in it, which would ordinarily impress the bogan, but it’s barely aware of what the flag looks like, except that they stole our national colours which are on our other national flag, featuring a pugilistic marsupial. It knows that the Brazilians make sick thongs, though, which is an added bonus. The bogan has a vague awareness of the volume of non-faux homosexuality on show at the Rio de Janiero Mardi Gras, and assumes for the purposes of loving Brazil, that the city moves to some other country that it doesn’t like during that event.
The bogan also knows that Brazilians have the most sick beach parties and spend all of their time in various states of undress. As a result, in order to be more like Brazilian chicks, the female bogan proffers its genitalia to a stranger, has her apply hot wax to it, then wrench all of the hair away from the flesh once the wax has set. Most people would find this experience unpleasant. The female bogan, however, comes back every six weeks and pays said stranger upwards of $70 for the privilege.
The male bogan also likes Brazil. Despite its eagerness to declare others paedophiles for a variety of reasons, deep down, the female suspects that the male bogan wants nothing more than to fuck a 12-year-old. Seemingly due to this, every six weeks the hunter-gatherer male forks out the requisite $70 so its partner can visit Bewaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxed or Brazilian Butterfly in order to resemble a pre-teen porn star.
Five hundred years ago a particularly discerning Spanish conquistador observed the natives’ genitalia and told his mate that ‘their private parts were so exposed, so healthy and so hairless, that looking upon them we felt no shame’. In the 21st century, the not-so discerning bogan’s shamelessness is still fully apparent.
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The bogan probably believes that Spanish is the main language of Brazil.
No they definitely think it’s Brazillian..
hearted.
You mean the Brazilians don’t speak English?!
I believe that image just cured me of my insomnia TBL.
LOL. The bogan knows that if they ever go to a place where english isn’t the main spoken language, then said place will certainly be able to understand the next-most-widely-spoken dialect, LOUD english.
Haha great comment! LOUD English with a weird American accent. It’s known all the world over.
DA,
LOUD ENGLISH is what Americans speak !
Half sleepy but also note that Brazil is now in South Africa (nod to bogan geography?)
Bogans Think South Africa is a county in England (y’know – the springboks cricket team), which is part of Canada and therefore still part of the Americas.
So they’re not far off.
#thingsbogansthink
aw c’mon….
Chubby,
boganthink is an oxymoron.
Wasn’t Orwell interested in Boganthink?
True story, when Mrs Nelson told her (non-bogue but dim witted) friend that were going to South Africa for our Honeymoon, Dim-Witted friend bought us a English-Spanish translation book.
The Brazillians do the most amazing Bar B Q’s but I am not sure if the predeliction for bare beaver meat has anything to do with the hunger for well cooked pork and fat glazed beef. But wait, they are all done best with a skewer through them .
and Genghis from Coles/woolworths, As I am sure you know the Brazzers all speak Port a gesers and they are not ashamed of it. You go to Rio and the street signs are all in Portugese,as they should be.I.e. they dont do them in English even though most of the tourists are Americans. The lesson is that why do we in Oz erect squillions of street,shop and dunny signs in Surfers Paradise all in Nippon ? We are an English speaking country and should not be embarrased by that.
I can assure you James, that when in Japan, I totally appreciated every bit of english signage that was available – and they supplied a lot of it. I’ve no problem in helping foreigners find there way around in order to spend money at the Gold Coast. Its not like we have replaced all of the English signs with Japanese and are making the locals learn Japanese to go anywhere.
Also, some of those engrish signs in Japan provide hours of internets-based amusement. IIRC, there are entire websites devoted to it.
I had a packet of “Boon Boon” candies. “for Juicy Girl”
from Honkers I think…
I have a packet of Hungarian “Negroes” from Budapest – they are a mint flavoured candy – the packet has a silhouette of a Negro holding a toilet brush. Another good purchase was my Chinese “Cocking” wine. I always keep it handy when Cocking. A little wine always helps.
You want unintentional clangers? These are beautiful: book titles that beg to be read.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/26/the-funniest-unintentiona_n_551567.html#s84359
I hardly notice the Japanese signage, not sure when JH was last here but it’s usually the souvenir shops who do it (funny that!) and not many council signs (if any). Typical up-in-arms kind of reaction (they’re taking over!! Aughhh!!).
I am always appreciative of any English when travelling. But I don’t expect it.
Saw a joke the other day; two Japanese men laughing with “ROR” written below (“Raugh out Roud”)
Let’s really get JH on fire… a lot of the signage on the GC last time I was there (Easter) was in Arabic… yes, muslimese is taking over.
Apparently the Saudis, UAE and Kuwaitis are 3rd largest tourist group up there after NZ and the Chinese. We should take the English signs just to thwart those darn Kiwis.
This is true. There was even a ‘story’ on it on ACA or TT recently.
Burqas on the beach, JH. Burqas on the beach.
The burqas ladies also love a vajazzling. Its true.
I want the website that proves that.
On second thoughts.
You know, brazilian, I get. I get it’s better for a little Y dining and so on. Vejazzling?? The problems are just endless. Jewels caught in your undies, a little over-vigorous banging from Wozzer and he’s got some bead implants.Shazza itches her herpes and there goes a very expensive crystal. I mean wtf?
Try
http://www.brazillianburquasecrets.com.au
It’s worth mentioning here that vajazzling does happen, but it’s hardly mainstream and is not likely to ever be – not to the extent of the brazilian, anyway. I think the likes of us here just talk about it so much that we’ve led ourselves to believe it’s a rising bogan trend.
I know, tis fun though.
I just googled ‘vajazzle clinic sydney’ and there’s not a one. Urban myth writ proud in terms of numbers doing it. I suspect it’s one of those things that a fading starlet will yap about for a bit of 5 min fame. a la Love-Hewit.
There was a place in Brisbane that was doing it about 4 years ago, before JLH even mentioned it. They didn’t really advertise the service though, I don’t think. You had to be in the know as well as in the money.
Also it looks more like crystal stickers for little girls from Spotlight. Not like actual jewels stuck on I hear.
I did hear that the vatattoo is now in vogue :-)
No website, but burqa ladies are very adventurous beneath that envelope.
And right on cue – link from MsBiatch below
I reckon the twattoo might be a bit of fun – a temporary one, of course. I might spend the rest of the afternoon decided what design I would get.
*deciding.
As a former brazilian waxer from the bogan heartland of Boronia in Victoria, I can assure you that I have “vajazzled” more than one client in my time. They wanted them as a “surprise” for their partner on a special occasion like an anniversary. I should add that brazilian waxing is also sought by men these days and I had a few as clients. Mind you, I don’t know what I would have done if the men had requested “vajazzling” – that would have been strange!!!!!
And apparently they’re not shy in spending a quid. Good on yer ACA for the truly big stories: Horror! Muslims spending huge money in OUR shops. Go home now terrorists!
Those nasty little programs are a true blight and will be first up against the wall when my revolution comes to town. Followed by expensive hairdressers and fat people on planes.
Aah that felt better. Normal programming now resumes.
and what will I laugh at then. Killjoy!
There’s always the Packed to the Rafters documentary. Or the ‘news’ on 7 or 9. Or Alan Jones – he’s a quality gigle in the mornings.
Or in your case Viv, can’t you snicker at the ‘happily-marrieds’ who’ve snuck into your clinic for a check up after an adventure or two whilst on conference in Thailand?
Life’s full of laughs I say!
Some of my xenophobic Gold Coast Facebook friends only today…
(conversation started about creepy Cadbury hand in their new product advertising)
Rod: “see the subtle little symbol on the back or the wrapper?……..how do you feel about that ?”
Alyssa KT: “should I pretend to know what you’re talking about?”
Rod: “Cadbury have been forced (I do know this factual know people in low places lol ) to put the HALHAL symbol on the back of all chocolates other wise a certain community would start a boycot of all their products………hmmm i am not a christian but shouldn’t there be a frigin fish to make all things equal? whats the world coming too ?” (sic)
Alyssa KT: “oh! you’re one of those knobs! It just means everything killed was treated humanely and ethically, no pork and no alcohol. Makes absolutely no fricking difference to you, They didn’t even need to change the recipe. Pahh!”
Rod: “hmmm…..I take a little offence to that….. no i am not one of those knobs…… i know why it happened as i said i know people in low places and know why……. but you think what you like x”
Alyssa KT “reminds me of the outrage over Vegemite having it. It’s nonsense to botycott something you like because they added a symbol to some packaging so some more people could like it too…”
Rod: “your missing the point…… the situation was in reverse…. unless the symbol was placed on …the products were boycotted by them….i don’t support that sort of commercial blackmail and if that makes me a knob Alyssa ….so be it ……i’m a Knob”
Nick: “Mate your spot on with your concern over making concessions to the Muslim menace that is insidiously creeping into our country. These fuckers are so fanatical about their ideology that it’s dangerous in the extreme. There was a travel agent in Surfers who caters for the Muslim tourists who suggested that parts of Surfers be muslim only areas!!!! I’m serious! This wanker wants parts of my country set aside exclusively for Muslim tourists! There are schools no longer permitted to teach history such as the holocaust as it’s offensive to Muslims! How the fuck can history be offensive? It’s the truth so fucking deal with it! I’m serious when I say that in the next 50-100 years the USA may well become the last refuge of the Western way of life. The ball is already rolling and we are too apathetic to realise what’s going on. ”
Hmmmm… hope he moves there soon…
Sigh. I work in marketing and produce ads in slightly different formats for roll-out to any and all countries. Packaging is simpler. No changes required. Keep it the same for all markets. The packaging includes the halal symbol and instructions in whatever language so it can be EXPORTED to other countries. ie made here, exported for lots of $$ to other markets thus encouraging jobs. For bogans none-the-less.
There was a lot of fuss on 2GB some time ago about Arabic lettering on Uncle Toby’s boxes. Exactly the same ill-informed toddle was spouted on the program. When the UT PR flack explained it was so the product could be exported everywhere, there were still calls 30 mins later raging about the insult to aussie workers etc.
And these people voted last Saturday.
What makes me laugh is that there are lot of products out there that have both Halal AND Kosher certifications on the label. In the case of Vegemite, said certifications are right next to each other!
Maybe Kraft should get involved with the Middle East peace process?
I added your comment, Tone, to the conversation, as a “friend who I asked for their opinion”
Rod: “ahhh i love the ignorance of your exsistance…….. Alyssa … i hope we all live in a happy joyful exsistance and that all minority groups or islamic and religious fanatics……oh and the rest of us adapt and we all co habitate because…….. hey your MARKETING people think its right :)
Im just Saying”
Alyssa KT: “I love how the opposite of being scared of a Halal symbol on a packet is ignorance. If you want to live in fear and pander to all the scare mongering, have at it!”
In fairness, halal slaughter is nothing close to humane…
“An animal that has been strangled, beaten (to death), killed by a fall, gored (to death), savaged by a beast of prey (except by a human)” is one of the “explicitly forbidden substances”… so no bashing or strangling or road kill?
Seems every other way is more humane than that?
Oh dear god how frustrating.
The use of the word “boycott” is making my blood boil!!
Not buying something doesn’t make it a boycott knobby!!
I’m a vego so I won’t buy ice cream with gelatin in it, it’s not a boycott it’s making a choice not to eat something that I feel goes against the morals and values I hold.
Argh!!!
Charman Miaow: “I just googled ‘vajazzle clinic sydney’ and there’s not a one. Urban myth writ proud …”
Urban myths! There’s an idea for a TBL post.
Viv, true, but English is the world language. I doubt that Japanese is even on the books.
Superior much?
Shirl,
Well it probably is but the real point is that it is a matter of reality.
Even the French are startying to use English for international business.
I have been to many countries in asia,north and south america,the sub cxontinent and europe and always there are English speakers and I cant remember seeing Nippon more then 5 or 6 times.
You miss the point. Making it easier for the groups of people who holiday here the most to get around and spend all their lovely money is a win win situation.
Never figured the antagonism to visitors – the silliest thing was that questionnaire re Australian values they wanted *tourists* to answer! Almost like visiting North Korea.
Shirl, thats another thing and so long as its a commercial matter i see the reason. I havent been to the gold coasty for about 12 years and one of the reasons i dont go there any more is the suck hole attitude to the Japanese tourists. And the cost.
I can go to Rio for two weeks and all up it cost less and there is better food and a more user friendly atmosphere.
I didn’t realise it was ‘another thing’. All this started with your completely irrelevant statement: “The lesson is that why do we in Oz erect squillions of street,shop and dunny signs in Surfers Paradise all in Nippon ? We are an English speaking country and should not be embarrased by that”.
So it’d be fair to say you’ve absolutely no idea about what currently happens here or attitudes to Japanese tourists?
They’ve been having a wonderful time, actually, ever since those “terrorists” started coming here and copping all the flak instead…
James, isn’t it about making visitors to your country more comfortable? Would you treat visitors to your home with such disrespect?
By an accident of birth you speak English. Imagine yourself as one of the 6 billion who don’t actually speak English. Jap signs on the GC? Storm meet teacup.
“xxxxx much” is ueber bogan, not to mention turdy (although the two are symbiotic).
No it isn’t.
I thought Spanish and or Chinese dialects were the most common language?
English is the most widely learnt second language in the world. Mandarin is spoken by the most people.
Chinese probably but only cause there so many of them in china. Travel world wide with only chinese and see how many hotel desks understand you,(dont) Spaniel is good in Spain and South America but thats about it.
Hotel desks apart, its hard to get by with English in China and many parts of the world.
There are a few reasons for that, James. Firstly, money– are the signs in Phuket, Bali and other bogan holiday prices only written in the local language? Hell no. Bogans are monolingual at best and the locals want their tourist dollars. It’s a basic way to cater to people whose money supports a lot of jobs.
Secondly, Portuguese uses the same script as English and there are more than a few words in common between the two languages. Japanese employs three completely alien scripts and (yes, aside from the borrowed english) has nothing in common with English. ボーガン
The Brazilians certainly do an excellent barbecue. I can heartily reccomend Churras in Darlo. There are similar places in Leichardt and somewhere on the Insular Peninsular (northern beaches).
I’m feeling hungry now.
The Leichhardt place is a taste sensation. Meat, lots of lovverly, lip-smacking, juicy, bbqd meat… mmmm.
Thanks Sten, I have a lousy ham roll for lunch.
Damn, just realised I spelled recommend incorrectly. Ah well.
The problem for me, Miaow, is that living in the vast child-rearing paddocks of far Northern Sydney as I do, is that all these places take forever to get to (the fact I don’t drive and the third-world public transport here really hampers my efforts to sample the best South America has to offer).
(pats ample stomach) One day, my precious.
I could send red-cross parcels up to you. Mind you the postie would have hoards of slavering bogues and bogue-dogs trailing behind waiting for him to slip… cue rolling mist, close up shots of razor like canines and drool. The dog’s wouldn’t look good either.
Hahahahahaha! No, it’s actually quite civilised up here these days. The Bogues migrated to the Central Coast probably about ten years ago. They’re quite the minority these days.
Oh, the ‘Insular Peninsula’… My, my, only a local knows the feeling.
Oh, James “brazuca” Hunter, a self-appointed expert on all things Brazil. Hardly surprising. You should be a politician; after all, politics is showbiz for ugly people.
@james japanese tourists on the goldy contribute about half our GDP. If they want a sign to direct them to the nearest cash fleecery, I say give it to them. Plus it gives international visitors the impression we are open minded and multi cultural.
Although we’re clearly not.
Well said.
Whilst not being particularly moved either way vis á vis pudendal hursutism (though I do like a clean bacon strip* when dining at the Y)personally, I do wonder whether the male bogue ever deigns to strip its pubage and whether the female bogan enjoys being done over by a twelve year old boy?
I just don’t get it.
Why would anyone with an intellectual ranking above that of “cretin” pay Tyffanhy, magna cum laude graduate of Rooty Hill TAFE Academie’d’Beautie, to pour hot wax on one’s nether regions, then rip it off?
&#(k that for a game of soldiers……
I’ve had it done. It does have its positives. It’s an odd experience, though.
I like to leave hair “on top” so as to avoid looking pre-pubescent. When all of it was taken accidentally I refused to pay.
The landing strip look is a bit too Picture mag for my liking. Horses for course, I guess.
Haha – I think the landing strip is a bit naff too.
I was a Home Bloke once! True story.
I trust you have your dodgy pic and blurb framed and displayed in your boudoir. :-|
Chubby I was stuck on a plane and watched a very lame movie called She’s Out of my League. From this I learn that if you want that out of league girl you had better strip your pubage (also a bogan buddy will help you, cue uneasy homosexual jokes).
Tyffanhy!
Enough said.
@ Tombarina
The femmebogue does this in the hope it’ll make Dazza’s magnum cum lauda!
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2010/08/the-orangeman-of-canceria/
Chubby, Yes they do!!!!
My Eyes! My Eyes!
Brazil: not sexy.
(I had to walk inside the tent and connect my phone to the computer just to reply to you simon. hope you appreciate it. and now I’ve done it I’ll be stuck here all day in this place. go out and frolic in the midwinter tropics? oh no! I’d rather sit here and tip the bucket on deadshlts with the likes of youse. how is adelaide BTW simon? we were standing on a sunlit tropical beach with a gentle breeze wafting off the coral sea to sooth the mild sweat the low winter sun had raised yesterday and we were wondering.)
Chub, It is wet, cold (9 or 10) and just f*ckin miserable, has been all winter. I’m off to Singapore and Koh Samui on Friday, so tropics here I come. Woohoo.
Yip Ya!
you want Benjo?
Jiggy Jig?
I plait you hair.
Mushroom? Mushroom?
Full Moon.
that reminds me; take your own boat.
oh piss off.
I hope that heat causes welts on your manscaped regions and the ice to melt in your mai tai.
Certain acquantances of mine were gobsmacked when this sort of thing came up in conversation a few years ago, as I confessed to “not mucking about in the cellar” – I was similarly amazed any of my friends would be vain enough to do so. Worst thing is, these acquaintances of mine aren’t even Bogans.
I feel that it’s contingent on what and how much is done, both for gander and goose.
If you just do a little tidy-up, so that the ladyfolk don’t have Krusty the Klown making a surprise appearance (he-heh-hey-hey!), or the gentlemen removing the radials for racing slicks on their back wheels, that’s perfectly fine. Not to mention the fringe benefits when eating at home, i.e. less chance of requiring the services of a toothpick. A personal disclosure: I keep the yard neat, but allow the shrubbery to form a strong hedge.
But I am of the consensus view of the TBLers here, insomuch as the vegetation removal, clearfelling and scorching, is rather unnecessary, not to mention mildly contradictory, given their reactive hostility to those who’d seek conquest of prepubescents.
Maybe it’s their envy of the young ‘uns (inherent hairlessness for the women, tightness and cluelessness for the men) that subconsciously drive their agendas of women removing their pubes in their entirety. There’s a whole minefield of psychological assessments one could well stumble upon and have explode upon them, so I’ll just survey from the perimeter and chuck a pebble, seeing if that triggers other responses from a safe distance.
*strangers with candy
Chubby – Strangers with Candy = pure unadulterated genius. I’d turn for Jerry Blank!
Candy From a Stranger.
Unfair, TBL.
The femmebogue NEEDS extreme ladyscaping – how else is she to successfully Vajazzle?
The adhesive properties of Swarovski crystals don’t work on tweed, shagpile or terry towelling-like surfaces.
Do Vajazzles get mistaken for warts in a dark room? Anyone ever experienced this problem?
What on *earth* is a Vajazzle? Do I want to know, or is it going to be one of those things I’d wish I could unknow?
Umm, hard to tell. It involves sticking crystals where your pubes should be. Jennifer Love Hewitt is a big fan. Also you can Penazzle if you wish.
The more I discover about Popular Culture through this Site, the less I’m worried about being a No-Friends Shut-In. *I’m* the one all the Bogan’s around here think is weird?
Welcome to the club dude. So called popular culture is disturbing.
rephrase the “warts” question in the context of penazzling.
Hey Ladies…
With Porkswordski crystals, in all their reddened scrofulous glory.
LOL. Why buy ribbed condoms when you can Penazzle?
What happens if the glue is not strong enough?
Then they start peeing jewels, and see it as confirmation of the Inner Princess every Boganista thinks she secretly is. That’s why they always have Ladies In Waiting to hold back their hair as they spew in the gutter.
Or shitting Tiffany cufflinks.
You come to a sticky end
Its really a chicken and egg Q.
What came first – the Brazilian or Vajazzling?
The brazilian, of course. Women have actually removed the hair from their private parts for a very long time. Longer than Swarovski crystals have been available.
I just had a vision of primative woman swanning around sans hair with shiny pebbles stuck on with yak fat.
I really should not visit Port Adelaide.
Simon why am I grossed out and entranced by your vision?!
Why do I have these visions? I may need help.
There there shut off TBL, have a bex and a lie down for a week say?
I’m going to Asia next week for a holiday. Maybe that will help.
You’ve probably seen some neanderthal themed porno at some point, and your vision is actually a memory. It was probably called ‘Caving with Cavemen’ or something.
Cum into my Cave 5 – The secret entrance.
The Clam of the Caveman.
I’m so sorry.
Shirley please write a (illustrated) book with that title. I would totally buy it. It would make a nice addition to Viv’s bookshelf too.
Anyone here a good smut illustrator? My expertise in this area doesn’t extend beyond leaky cocks.
I want a pop version.
pop up version i meant
For a minute there I thought you wanted it Warhol style. A pop-up pop-art porno might sell well, though.
@ Shirl
Get in done in Manga, the Japanese love their cartoon porn and are very good at it.
What would Jean Auel say to that one?
Very funny, as always, Shirley.
“Clam of the Cave Bare”
ON TOPIC!!!
extra points
How would bare Grylls fit into that ?
I read that book as a youngster. My over riding memory is of the heroine getting lots of attention downstairs from male suitors. Am I right?
Great book, was she the first Australopithecus to root a Neanderthal ( kinda like a ye olde Joanne and Warwick Capper) and travel the plains of Africa …
Had never heard of Auel – Sten you have increased my education a wee bit.
How come her books never got the #165 – Sequels treatment?
They did, I’m sure they did “Valley of something or other…” And a film starring Daryl Hannah naked with lotsof blonde hair.
I do my best, SD. My head is crammed with useless, non income-enhancing knowledge. I might as well share it around.
While I know of Auel, I have read very little. The place I stayed at last October long weekend had one of her books, and I started reading it, but to be frank, there were vast amounts of alcohol to be consumed, so I hardly got any way through it.
I suspect the movie was never sequelled because the first one was a box-office bomb. That, and there were no maxXxtreme explosions (admittedly a guilty pleasure of mine). The fact it was subtitled (all dialogue was facilitated by sign language) all but ensured the Bogan of 1986 would not have been interested.
I’m surprised it has been overlooked for a reboot (or whatever film hacks call it), as there is ma$$ive cash-hoovering potential, as far as I’m concerned.
They don’t stick all that well anyway. They come attached to a clear plastic sheet that you carefully pull away leaving the little crystals behind. What I did was applied that sheet to the area required (after I had done the brazilian wax) and let the client remove the sheet themselves. The crystals were notorious for not sticking very well, so that way the client took responsibility for it. I recommended removing it after about half an hour. They were absolute crap!!!! Tacky, tacky, tacky!
always love your work Viv.
And you Missus.
They missed the fact that when a bogan male get’s a Brazilian his mates call it a ‘back, sack and crack wax’.
Along with the Brazilian, isn’t the latest fashion to get your arse bleached? Re: entry (pun) #124.
Technically, if waxing takes place in the crack of a male or female, it’s called a ‘hollywood’. And yes, arse bleaching is becoming more popular. Now THAT’s something I really don’t get.
Can you get it bleached different colours?
I imagine that if you just don’t use a toner you could achieve a delightful cat piss orange, i mean sunset orange. Did anyone see Maragret Cho getting her arse bleached for her reality show? – was hilarious.
I suppose you could. Glow in the dark, maybe?
You could get it tattooed to glow in the dark – there is glow in the dark ink. I imagine that would smart somewhat.
I plan to get a UV tattoo. Not on my anus, though. No sir!
You will have to hang out in dodgy nightclubs for anyone to see it though.
Nah I’ll just buy one of those pocket sized black lights.
You can do random semen checks on the pants of strangers too! What fun on public transport you will have.
Really!? That’s awesome. Can’t wait!
Yes Shirley, a whole, brave new world comes to light with a black light. It will make semen glow – the fresh stuff even wiggles in the light, and wait a BONUS , you can also identify people with Skin Fungus – they will show up under the light too!
Fresh, wriggly semen on strange mens pants. Why have I only just learnt this?!
Yes, on the pants of strangers. Just make sure you don’t have any on your face!
Secret medical centre business!
Shirl,
Maybe you could then play ring a ring a rosey ?
I want mine to be Aubergine!!
Being a winter, according to my 1983, “Colour My Season”s book, I should probably opt for a blue tone. Perhaps violet, *scurry off to get colour wheel* and check for missing chapter on arse colours…
Perhaps with the release of the ‘food for the arse’ cookbook, we could offer a complimentary anal bleach and colour. It’s not all about the food, you know. The dining setting is important too.
Strange how conversations always seem to end up here…..
Too expensive, perhaps a few sample strips, like perfume samples, except one waxstrip and heavily soaked bleach pad – splash of white king will be economical. No need for anything fancy.
I post this every time this topic comes up.
http://www.mynewpinkbutton.com/
How racist, No, My New Brown Button? My New Yellow Button?
maybe we could make a button burqa.
in response female genital mutilation.
don’t hack it out! get a button burqa!
What will they think of next. I did not know discolouration was such a problem.
This is popular amongst gay men. Women prefer to buy the tubes and do it themselves, whereas the men will come and get it done in a salon. I worked in an establishment that catered to gay men and it was popular. For the life of me, I will never understand why you need to have your anus bleached. Does anyone really care? I guess they do! For me, this is the height of vanity.
waxxxxxxxtreme!
This probably should be the first question, but – how is data able to be reliably gathered on the propensity of the bogan to go brazillian? Most of TBL’s posts are both accurate and readily apparent to the casual observer.
I have no real basis for supposing that the hypothesis in this article is even capable of being tested, let alone true.
I’d say the amount of businesses that cater for this practice is a good indication for starters. Can you get discount brazilians at DFO’s?
Also wondering if a Brazilian done in Brazil gets brownie points. Is it like “authentic”
I’d say so. When in Brazil, blah blah blah.
If I went to Brazil I’d get it done. It would only cost about a dollar.
Good point re the $.
The Brazilian is kind of boring, I think. Can’t quite imagine Napolean penning letters to the beloved beseeching her to denude herself.
I don’t understand the appeal of the Brazilian either. Yawn! I like women to look like women.
Sorry to disappoint, but unless you got it done by a random perv in a back alley, it would cost around 15-25 Australian dollars, depending on how fancy the salon/clinic is.
The random perv would probably pay you a dollar and throw in a free breast exam, though.
Used to be a can of beer cost about 32 cents Aus so 25 AUD is 75 cans wow that is expensive or they saw the tourists comming. A bottel of Stolly was $3.50 AUD so be generous two bottels of stolly for a beaver trim.
Essential Beauty, the female Adelbogue’s first choice intimate grooming services, have a branch at Harbour Town Adelaide.
Speaking of which, the evil geniuses at Essential Beauty’s ad agency recently shat out a delightful TV commercial about trading in a Tasmanian for a Brazilian. (Un?)Fortunately, this ad doesn’t seem to exist on YouTube. You’ll just have to come to Adelaide and watch Channel 10 for yourselves.
Sure I know the business exists. But are we to believe that TBL is camping outside said businesses, ascetaining who is going in for what services, and of the ones going for the brazil, assigning a bogan quotient then tallying up the result? And then controlling for regional and demographic effects? This is the only credible mechanism I can think of but would be too resource-intensive to implement.
DA, you think too much. Just have fun abusing bogans.
I know. In the DA world TBL would be standing outside businesses and handing out questionnaires (Q1: Are you a bogan) and then statistically analysing the data…zzzzzzz.
Previous TBL posts (the ones that are accurate) are based on sound reasoning and logic. Asking someone if they are a bogan is pointless because of the response bias, and uneccessary because in the vast majority of cases, it is based on physical or behavioural indicia that is readily apparent to the casual viewer.
However this particular trait – similar to the post on, ahem, certain back-door activities – is by definition difficult to observe in practice. In order to eliminate response bias we would have to objectively identify a cohort of bogans and (reliably) find out how many have brazillianed- then compare this to the control group and see if there is a statistically significant difference.
I’m not saying this didn’t occur – indeed, if anyone were to conduct a sociological experiment of such grand proportions, TBL would be the front runner – I just want to know the details of how this conclusion was ultimately arrived at.
The reason I want to know is because the underlying theory is at odds with my personal experience, having dated both bogans and people with the grooming habits under consideration here.
I believe that given that newer examples of pornography usually feature almost exclusively women without hair down there, that femmebogues want to emulate their favourite pornstar (they do porn…remember, they’re empowered, like P!nk) and can’t wait to see the massive grins of their partner’s face, knowing that now they have their very own pornostar and their own satisfaction that they too are just sooo glamourous and just so like the celebs!
DA, Look at the amount of shops providing lunch time brazilians and the like. It’s a good indicator. Note also the staff working in these establishments. Another good indicator. If it weren’t for bogan custom, these places couldn’t possibly survive in the numbers they do.
what happens to all that waste wax and hair?
maybe I can run my car on it?
I think it should all go to Madame Tussauds – perhaps a new Gorillas in The Mist Diaroma with Dianne Fossey and some apes from Rwanda
you are a true artist.
maybe you can beat Tussauds to the punch.
start with a david hasselhoff.
Some salons recycle it and no, I’m not kidding!!!!!!!!
ewwww!!!
PB its used for the “cut “price jobs !
They heat it until it’s of a consistency to strain. If you ever get waxed, make sure the wax is a good solid colour such as pure white or a vibrant pink. If the wax is a mottley looking colour such as brown or green, get up off the table and leave!
Sure the businesses are run by bogans. THat’s not to say the clientele are exclusively or even predominately bogan.
Of my few experiences in this area, there’s nothing to suggest any correllation between boganity and brazillianity.
Not all of them and not all of the clients are bogans. Your surgeon, teacher or university professor might get it done regularly.
I will not look at my female professorial colleagues in the same way again, thanks to you XXX.
I’ve been forced to work with a lot of Bogans in the Trades over the years. They’re all obsessed with porn, and end up with the twin obsessions of girls having no hair where there was hair before, and seeing how many human and inanimate objects they can stick into every possible orifice before the girl objects.
*They’re all pedos*. Nothing turns their head faster than a blonde girl in a school uniform. Much like their frequently-vocalised hatred of ‘pooftas’, (and pay attention to how many married tradies hang around toilet blocks sometime), I think the constant harping about ‘A Pedo Lives Just Houses From A School. Are *Your* Children Safe’ on Tabloid News Shows is just the same kind of overcompensatory guilt.
I can tell you that brazilian waxing is extremely popular. I don’t even think it is a bogan thing personally. Speciality brazilian waxing salons are in just about every suburb. TBL are also wrong about the price. The range is $30 – $50. If you are paying upwards of $70, you are getting ripped off! When I was brazilian waxing, I had a high percentage of bogue clients, but I also had many doctors, lawyers and professional people come to me. It is unbelievably popular.
LOL@ ” If you are paying upwards of $70, you are getting ripped off! ”
Well, by definition, yes.
RE: the demographic of your clientele, it should have occurred to me that this would be an ideal way of quantifying whether brazillians are disproportionately popular in the bogan sector. It’s not like this work would be covered by beautician/brazillian confidentiality.
Based on what you are saying, it’s just popular in general. I’ve had limited exposure to exposed bogans, but I can vouch for the popularity among the legal fraternity. Still at a loss as to why, though. Certaintly was never done on my account.
“Brazilian/beautician confidentiality” – what a hoot! I could write a book about bogans based on what I heard in that room! The title would be “The secret sex life of bogans”.
I work in clap clinic – i’ll help with some charming tales of “too much information for a phone call” e.g. “my discharge smells”, “my girlfriend caught crabs off the Cinema seats”, “My girlfriend reckons she caught warts from bareback horseriding”, “My 17 year daughter has the most horrific case of herpes i’ve ever seen and she needs a Dr”……
Too Funny!
I kept getting sms mesages from Brazillian Parlour every week for months, always the same message “Shane (not my name?) XXXX Wax for Summer XXXX, Book Now!”
A few times I sent text back “Wrong Number, please stop”. But they kept coming. I finally snapped after aboutthe 5oth message and sent a text
“F#ck off you hairless C#nts!”.
Then I received a Voice Mail message from a pissed off boguette telling me that there was no reason to be abusive! I never heard from them again. So it worked.
Some people just can’t take a hint, can they, Viv? Your story is funny, but for a couple of years, I had the Brisbane coppers harrassing me… they thought I was someone else (the irony is, I *know* someone who went by the name of the person they were looking for). When this particular Sargeant asked me “Are you sure you’re not (insert name)”, I lost it. Went totally bunta, as it were.
Never did hear back from them. Apparently I was also manager of the Albury heliport for a while too.
XXXX wax is that what they do in Queensland?
yes it also lighten any remaining hair by two shades.
and puts your clocks back.
Makes ya talk funny too aye.
Do you need a white ten gallon hat
this whole thing is just a bit too eewy for me.
ewwy and yet funny PB. LOL
Thinking outside the square I assumed that brazillian was so called not because it originated from Brazil but, because it involved clear cutting the rainforest i.e. The Amazon in Brazil.
All fun and games until they set fire to it.
oh! oh!
let me!
er hmm…
That would be a “BushFire” eh Viv?
*snork* *snigger*
Sometimes the men require back burning. Boom tish!
You two have been listening to James H too long.
thank you
Oh, TBL! I have been waiting for this entry for such a long time, and you did not disappoint me!
I once worked in a call centre for eighteen months, providing directory assistance on behalf of a certain mobile telco beloved of cricketing bogans – and if you want a disturbing yet illuminating insight into the inner workings of the bogan brain, I heartily recommend that you work in directory assistance. Believe me when I say, there are so many things bogans like which Things Bogans Like haven’t mentioned yet!
Anyway, the number of bogan bimbos with whiny nasal accents calling up asking for Brazilian Butterfly or Bronzed Brazilian or Brazilian Beauty was mind-blowing. Especially on Thursday nights! The Brazilian Butterfly at Robina on the Gold Coast seemed to be the most popular outlet.
Sometimes, these bogan women with significant deficits in the elocution department would sound a tad nervous. Perhaps even a little distraught and diffident while asking for the number of a Brazilian salon. Which made me imagine the following scene taking place before their call ….
(THE SCENE: A suburban kitchen on a new housing estate approximately 45km away from the city, with a slate floor and plenty of stainless steel appliances, including a double-door fridge, a dishwasher and a wall oven. Despite being a mild, overcast day outside, the air conditioning is roaring away and is set somewhere between “Antarctic” and “Himalayan”.
BOGUETTE is sitting at the dining table filing her nails. She has straight blonde hair and black eyebrows and lashes, and is wearing a teal-coloured tank top from Supré, denim shorts and a pair of Crocs.
BOGAN enters the kitchen stage left. He is overweight and swaggering, is wearing a fluorescent-orange polo shirt, King Gee shorts and steel-capped boots, and has a diamond stud in one ear, a six-day-old face fungus and a fauxhawk.)
BOGAN: (squeezes BOGUETTE’s shoulder) Hey honeybunch, wanna do us a favour?
BOGUETTE: (concentrates on filing her nails) What’s that, sweetie?
BOGAN: (walks to fridge and opens it) Wanna get a Brazilian?
BOGUETTE: Ewwwwwww! No way! That’s just gross.
BOGAN: (retrieves can of Jim Beam & cola from the fridge) Naaah, it’s not gross at all, love. It’ll be just like them girls we watched last night on Backdoor Sluts 9.
BOGUTTE: But waxing makes you all go icky and itchy and stuff.
BOGAN: (opens can) But you’ll look just like them Home Girls in the back of Picture magazine. Don’tcha wanna look like them? C’mon. Get a waxjob, just fer me!
BOGUETTE: But Brazilians are painful and it makes where your pubes used to be get goosebumps and all red and weeping and infectious if it ain’t done right, me friends reckon.
BOGAN: (takes large gulp from can) Carn darlin’, all the other fellas on the motorway construction site reckon their chicks have got hairless boxes!
BOGUETTE: Listen, no means no! I’m not getting a Brazilian, OK? Get over it!
BOGAN: (throws the can at the wall which then falls to the floor and spills its contents) Urghghhhhkughghghrkkurghnt! You backstabbing bitch! Now look what you’ve done! You made me waste a whole can of Jimmy. You DROVE me to this ANGER! You’re supposed to love me, and you always reckon that you love me and stuff, but you won’t even get yer muff waxed! Some love that is, you lying little slag!
BOGUETTE: (drops nail file) But I got yer name tattooed on the back of me neck! Isn’t that true love enough?
BOGAN: Yeah, the tatt’s true love and stuff. But a Brazilian – that’s even truer love! C’mon! You say that you love me? Prove it! I dare ya!
BOGUETTE: (breaks down into uncontrollable sobs) I’m so sorry. I’m ever so sorry. Please … please forgive me. I never meant to get you all riled up and stuff! Yes … yes. I WILL get a Brazilian. I’m so sorry. Now, where did I put me mobile … ?
(THE END)
Wasn’t this a scene on Home and Away?
Great job Urban.
Matthew Newton could do this scene.
Nice work Urban.
Matthew would never use so many words. He has fists.
True, may need a slight rewrite.
The coffe man has just arrived as you speak. Geyser on the way for your writing talents.
I’m disappointed in you, Simon. You didn’t do a coffee geyser! Now go and brew another cup of coffee, re-read my little play, and snort some java all over your monitor. ;)
*Coffee Geyser*
That’s better, Simon! Thank you. :)
That entry deserves a geyser, my oversight so happy to rectify.
Noice!
Agreed.
This post WINS the Internet.
My GOD! That’s beyond scripting – it’s like a scene from the BBC Natural History unit’s latest masterpiece Planet Bogue.
It just needs Sir David Attenborough emerging from behind the genuine Balinese water feature from Bunnings to explain…in his inimitable style…that “this curiously orange species…relies on gaudy displays of sexuality…interspersed with sporadic outbreaks of petulance and violence…to reinforce the mating bond”.
Urban, you’ve surpassed yourself. You’ve transported us all to Amity Quays (28km from the nearest watercourse).
If only Bogans knew Brazil was a country full of brown people.
Sensational, that was a really smooth blog guys ;)
Not as smooth as their freshly-waxed non-hair pies, no doubt :P
Lol Rofl
“Based on a true story”.
That’s so frighteningly realistic, I can just about feel the can of Jim Beam & Cola drying out into a sticky tar-like mess onto the best Chinese slate one can buy for < $20m2.
Sweetheart, I don’t like to push,
but how ’bout losing the bush?
What’s in it for you?
with a lovely smooth shmoo,
I might spend less time up your tush.
Instantly promoted to top comment of the day.
ding ding ding!!!!
Time to lose the hair
I much prefer it bare
Not a job to shirk
Just comes off with a jerk
Then I can put my face down there
There once was a lady called Shirl,
who thought she’d give poetry a burl.
She pumped out some rhymes
that are truly sublime,
She makes Shakespeare look like a girl.
Aww bless. Thank you Tone, a lovely tribute.
Youse guys are true champs! Lovin it.
Genius! Shirley, you really are quite the wordsmith.
I like slate for flooring. Makes a nice roofing material, except when it hails and you have to wait for months to get it from England.
the bogan male place for this treatment is called “Wax and Wayne”
Trent from Punchy. I think it’s an actor but makes me shudder none the less.
It is an actor. Brilliant though. I love Trent from Punchy.
Someone told me it’s the same guys who did the Beached Az episodes. Any truth you reckon?
Yeah, I’ve heard that too. Sounds plausible to me.
Reminds me of Jamie Oliver a bit. With the singing voice of an Angel.
Looking at that disturbing photo again… I bet those tits are fake too.
How about the size of her
watch.
Ugh… overall, quite the swamp-donkey.
And those disturbing eyes. They hold the knowledge of what should be and what actually is.
I was wondering what creeped me out about the photo. Yeah that’s it. It’s the eyes. The eyes of someone with a very small brain but yet has a lot of power and influence. Scary.
For those who don’t recognise this delicate flower, she’s Ice T’s demure wife Coco. I am quite in love with her; she’s the Brynne Edelstein of the states.
In today’s wtf news there is a prophetic vagina tree in Thailand-helps you win the lottery. And it has a “fist-sized sparkling mound” – lottery numbers are vajazzled on it I presume.
Its 100 years old – so is the vag from the look of it.
On topic!
TBL – “Despite its eagerness to declare others paedophiles for a variety of reasons, deep down, the female suspects that the male bogan wants nothing more than to fuck a 12-year-old.”
That is pure gold…
I’ve been and gone again for a while… but to come back to this…
Makes me proud to be a bogan… and a TBL contributor…
(come to think of it – some of my wife’s friends actually refer to the procedure as ‘getting my 12-yr-old’ done…) classic…
…but don’t most girls at that age already have pubic hair, given their onset of puberty being a tad earlier than boys?
Maybe they could call it “getting my 10-year-old done”. Just adds that bit of creepiness to it, as I s’pose some guys think that twelve is alright, being in first year high school, but ten—ewww!
http://gawker.com/5588325/meet-your-new-vagina-decorating-trend-twattoos
So, as we’re familiar with the bogan catch-cry “un-Australian”, does this mean an unshaved woman is “un- Brazilian” ?
today’s clever bogan: http://www.smh.com.au/victoria/snap-proves-a-real-barbecue-stopper-as-magistrate-turns-heat-on-biker-20100825-13rmh.html
PB, can you make me one? I’d wear a BBQ out on the town. To the right event :)
what wouldn’t be the right event?
Good point, Logies – tick, weddings : Tick, Funerals : why Not – Tick, after work drinks – sure: Tick!
I could be as daring as Bryn Hambeast – Eggleston or whatever her name is. I’ll have my tits out, whilst wearing a low cut BBQ.
if you want it to be brynne hambeast-like it needs to be sassy and sequinned.
That could all be achieved in a g-string right?
And friggin huge airbags. Oh and you will need the orange dye, for everything.
I’ll get some tandoori paste at my local Indian takeaway and start my colour transformation – should I do my arse, or should that be sparkling white?
Well I would not be using the tandoori back there, sounds ouchy. Although that can go in Food for the Arse.
Sparkly white. You could give people a horrible shock with the right lighting and pose……
Oooh, I dropped my man-bag, i’ll just pick that up . Bend and Snap!
*Blinding white light, sound of breaking glass*
Don’t, whatever you do, go into the tunnel of white light.
Tunel le Viv.
Can’t believe I still had the original email when it first came out.
A new reboot of something best forgotten. Whats the betting this will be dismal.
ANDIE MacDowell has joined the cast of the upcoming remake of 1984’s Footloose, Entertainment Weekly reports.
MacDowell will play the wife of music-hating Reverend Shaw Moore, who is played in the remake by Randy Quaid. The two previously played a married couple in the 2001 movie Dinner With Friends.
MacDowell joins Julianne Hough and dancer Kenny Wormald, who will take on the lead role of Ren McCormack, played in the original by Kevin Bacon. The film told the story of a rebellious teen defying a small town’s ban on dancing and rock music.
The Footloose remake is set to begin production soon for an April 2011 release date.
Craig Brewer, witer and director of the remake, promised he would be “true to the spirit” of the original film.
“But I still gotta put my own southern grit into it and kick it into 2011,” he added.
oh please make this remake craze stop.
We should all move to a smalltown, run by crazy Christians who ban remakes of movies. And then the teens will sneak out to see them. oh hang on…
A question. If Andie is in 3d will she still appear as flat as a tack. Never has an actress had less screen presence.
Hell must be Andie on an eternally running tape of Is it raining, I hadn’t noticed.
Is it just a coincidence that on tv tonight is
The World Around Us – Brazil Revealed?
Come and see the hairless wonder.
I think I may have seen a Brazilian ‘Wick Camper’ running around somewhere, something like this one…
whilst pole dancing alone in the buff,
a fembogue regarded her muff,
“I could lube up the pole
with the muck from my hole
if I waxed off this hairy stuff!”
#late #lame
Chubs, that is good, disturbing but good. Must watch Showgirls again.
#graphic
surely I get some sort of prize for this:
I absolutely MUST get several copies of this. Thank you!
Are you sure Shirley? I can completely see it appearing on Regretsy!
Oh no way. I’d keep one for myself in mint condition, but I know many people who would LOVE that as a gift.
Regretsy is more bogan than not, don’t you think – but definitely low-end. However, in trying to be less “snobby” and have a more expansive outlook, may I suggest that a copy of this would be a must-have in any Father’s Day hamper or teenage boy’s Christmas stocking!
You can buy it at Polyester Bookstore in Fitzroy – they probably have an online order service. Its under $20 if i recall.
Thanks for the tip. That’s xmas covered. For mum, at least.
Moderation. Drag. wtf?
TBL do rude words have to wait until after fat cat goes to bed?
ok I just wanna say Whittakers Dark Orange chocolate right here.
Even Barbie is in on the act.
LOVE sex tape Barbie.
Does anyone agree with me that the old guy on Spicks and Specks was like the father in Strangers with Candy?
totally, except he moved.
By Jove, you have outdone yourselves, TBL. This is quite possibly your best rendering of the 21st century bogue yet, methinks methinks. Brilliantly, brilliantly done.
It’s such a shame the bogues, particularly my Brazil-loving bogue friends on the Book of Faces, have, for the time being, put me off visiting Brazil. Thank you, soccer-loving bogan hooligan high school alumni of mine. GET ROOTED for dissuading me, inadvertently though it may have been, cos I had really wanted to visit as a Carmen Sandiego-playing primary schooler who, through the eponymous Commodore 64 game, developed a burgeoning interest in South America. “Interest” has almost become downright “antipathy” nowadays. The bogans ruin it for everyone, always have. :(
Maybe one day I’ll be able to dissociate an otherwise surely beautiful place with everything that is bogan. La Sigha.
It’s also the wankers. Particularly people who like to think of themselves as “well travelled”. As if it’s the equivalency of being a great artist or musician or someone sophisticated.
Barbara Streisand.
Herewith a bogan princess stealing the headlines, yet again. The article mentions she’s “young, pregnant and depressed”, perhaps the Brazilian waxing salon turned her away ‘coz she’s got a bun in the oven …. That would certainly cause depression …
national/teen-toyah-tate-drunk-at-180kmh-and-is-free-to-go/story-e6frfkvr-1225910121608
Seems you’ve started something TBL….see today’s subject for Sam http://blogs.smh.com.au/executive-style/allmenareliars/2010/08/26/shavemetoo.html
Yeah. So I had to finish up this rump steak, thought I might as well have it for lunch and then I remembered I had to put some more beers in the Waeco and Lo! There was a cold one left, so I thought it being so hot today …
Anyway I’m sitting here having a beer and a wee spliffie and there’s this giant goanna/perenti whatever stalking around our camp and suddenly a car goes past and this giant lizard startles and scoots up a tree behind me and I look up and blow me down!
It’s cloaca is completely bare!
Must be a female.
Chubby,
It must be a Brazillian so its an illegal import.
Quick call AQIS .
Where the hell is Fiona from Toorak? Surely she must have an opinion on waxed beavers… or maybe not?
It happens in Melbourne – VAJAZZLING!!! I was in the city yesterday and saw a sandwich board sign advertising it in the Strand Arcade : Here’s where to go.
http://www.braziliansunset.com.au/ . It’s not an urban myth – they have sandwich boards people!
and we all know nothing says classy joint quite like a sandwich board.
And that is one sandwich I’d be bored of.