After an international disaster affecting English-speaking people, or during a period when a particularly debilitating illness gets the attention of the media, the bogan feels that it is incumbent upon it to solve the problem. But even entities as maxtreme as the bogan can feel impotent in the face of virulent disease or natural catastrophes. Thousands dead or dying, heads of state solemnly offering their eight-second soundbytes so bogans know they care; it’s all too big.
First, after discounting travelling to the country where the disease is rife/disaster has occurred when it realises that it cannot locate it on a map or fly via Virgin or Jetstar, it considers donating money. Being unfamiliar with charities, and not being aware of any telethon or charity concert providing a convenient phone number via which to pledge to celebrities, it discards that notion too. It then gives up on the idea that it can help. The problem is just too big.
Two days later at the shops it spies, on the counter, The Solution. Joy swells up in its heart and tears well in its eyes as it reaches down and collects The Solution. It buys a coloured ribbon.
Having seen celebrities wearing these things during the Logies broadcast, it knows they work. Now, on the long walk from the car park to whichever shop it is attending, or at the workplace or schoolyard, the bogan can now loudly – and brightly – advertise just how much of a humanitarian it really is. It cares about poor people in other countries. To the tune of a $3.50 fashion accessory.
Of course, it was only a matter of time before the bogan – in particular the male bogan – decided that pinning a colourful ribbon looks a bit lame on a day-to-day basis. A solution needed to be found, and found it was. Coloured wristbands.
Celebritised by ultramegasuperbogan icon Chris Martin, these brightly coloured demonstrations of magnanimity have at least ten billion times more bogan cachet than ribbons. They have space to actually print the name of the charity on the bogan’s wrist, they sit on a place that the bogan can cover with a sleeve if they feel self-conscious and they are worn by a celebrity in places other than red carpets.
Today, the observant bogologist will see that pink is the ribbon/wristband of choice for the discerning bogan. The bogan realised it could be humanitarian and generous, yet still buy Australian. The female bogan will fight against breast cancer to the death – it needs them to retain the attention of its mate. The male bogan just digs massive cans.