The bogan likes to elicit reactions. Not content with its excessive preoccupation with ignoring the symptoms suggestive of a sexually transmitted infection, it effortlessly consumes its mind with its multitudinous allergies. Allergies are acquired and predictable reactions to normally innocuous substances that are unique to an individual’s immune system. Despite this inescapable medical construct, the bogan’s allergies magically mirror those of Angelina Jolie, Bec Cartwright or pretty much anyone on the cover of New Idea. With the unpredictability of a grapefruit’s squirt, in a given week the bogan may decide it’s allergic to everything from peanuts to dairy to logic. This, despite having eaten a Picnic bar earlier in the day that was washed down with a chocolate Big M whilst driving its car. This curious brand of hypochondria maybe attributed to its flawed understanding of biology, but is in fact, due to its rabid obsession with stupidity.
The bogan will also eagerly lap up any ‘scientific study’ its meandering eyes happen to cast upon and then hastily decide its allergy for the week. If drinking coffee increases hypertension on Monday, it will be assured that drinking coffee will cure diabetes by Thursday. Adding to its allergic arsenal, the bogan was once told by Today Tonight that there may be a vague connection between obesity and one’s thyroid gland. Months later when it finds itself hopelessly fat and asthmatic, it will tell its friends that this new found obesity was due to a dysfunctional thyroid gland acquired at birth. And blame its stupid parents for giving it inferior organs.
Failing to establish the link between its tinea and lack of hygiene, the bogan will infer that the fungal infection is in fact a result of a food that it does not like. It will then loudly scowl at the unsuspecting Asian waiter at La Porchetta’s because he failed to enquire about any existing food allergies. Even though it did not exist at the time of ordering. As Shazza quivers under the weight of her own delusions, she’s ready to dig into 2 kilos of Spaghetti Bolognese, her gluten allergy notwithstanding.
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LOL. Surely Coeliac “disease” is the new bogue allergy-du-jour?
why do you always put LOL before EVERY comment?
to annoy you
LOL :)
LOL. LOL.
Quick out of the blocks this morning miss Fiona…
Seems a lot of kids these days have the ‘peanut’ allergy… I think its so they can ‘legally’ carry drugs…
I can’t remember any kids dropping dead when I was a kid eating peanut butter sandwiches….
LOL. The post came out just as I extracted myself from my pool.
Did Geeves have a Gin Tonic waiting for you poolside?
Fiona of Toorak, you are a bogan, u LOL at the start of every post
I’m wondering if the peanut allergy and others like it are more common these days because women are a lot more strict with their eating habits during pregnancy…or maybe its all in their minds.
Possibly the ultra-hygiene we inflict on infants and babies, and the increase in bottle- rather than breast-feeding. Their little bodies just don’t learn to cope with bacteria, viruses and other contaminants in their environment. Are bogan homes ultra-clean to the maxXx?
Yes, it’s known as the “hygiene hypothesis”, Annette, and there’s been some good supporting studies published in the international medical journals.
It’s been hypothesised that unless the immune system has something to work on, it latches on to anything available, thus the rising rate of peanut allergies, asthma and other dietary allergies in today’s coddled children. It’s why we can’t remember such an incidence as kids – we were allowed to get dirty.
As a health professional, I encourage my kids’ exposure to ordinary dirt and shake my head at cleaning products that profess to kill 99.9% of bacteria – on the floor! Now that’s marketing directly targeted at bogans – they love percentages – they can buy their 90% fat-free diet chips (only 10% fat!) at the same time.
Somebody should come up with a cleaning product that kills the remaining 0.01% that other cleaning products miss
God I laughed so much when reading your post.
I had this mental image of you eating your peanut butter sandwich in the quadrangle back at school, surrounded by all these dying kids yet totally unaware of the mass carnage. Then once finished, getting up looking around yourself and wondering what happened and why does the school resemble some sort of allergic armageddon!
Ethan – that certainly is one way of looking at it….
Haven’t seen many third world children with peanut allergies either.
Sumptoms? Is this another reference to malapropisms? or symptoms with a New Zealand accent?
We continually forget – at our peril – that the only people more focussed on grammar and spelling than us are our readers…TBL
There’s another topic dying for a few thousand replies: “Apostrophes”.
Here’s my fave, and in fact the best apostrophe catastrophe now and forever, espesh as it was painted by a professional on a butcher’s window (Holland Park, QLD, 2006):
“Try our famou’s ham’s $15.99kg”
The apostrophe in “ham’s” is, of course, obligatory, but coupled with the other it makes for a kind of bogan poetry that neatly encapsulates everything (except child-molesterererererers) what makes Our Might Nation great.
Oh, and Paul Hogan.
Happy to help.
Don’t forget the bogans who have reproduced and don’t vaccinate their kids, because they think vaccination causes autism.
I’ve hear some doctors think there may be a link to autism, but don’t recommend against vaccinations.
No doubt an article on ACA/TT with someone trying to find a scapegoat for their child’s condition would be the origin of this trend.
LOL. I don’t believe Jenny McCarthy has her medical degree just yet…
there is no link, the one doctor that theorised this had no hard eveidence to prove the link. but from memory a “celeb mother” come out spouting you shouldn’t vaccinise your childen, as it leads to autism, sterility, ada, adhd, etc so some ignorent sheep followed, and spew the mis-information when eve possible.
Have a look at the fun the brits (the original source of the MMR scare) are having at the moment. Last year when we were over there, there was a bit of a mumps epidemic at the universities as not enough kids had the MMR jab.
I also read one or two cases of kids *dying* from the measles. Again, as a result of this. Whooping cough is on a bit of a comeback too. What fun.
Idiotic.
The original article that promoted the belief that the MMR vaccine was linked to autism has just recently been removed from the literature.
I’m not worried if the bogan does not immunise its child, the less that make it to adult hood the better.
You should be worried if the bogan doesn’t.
Many older folk (not *that* old) won’t have received many of the vaccines that are routinely given to kids now. Mumps is a good example (very painful I’m told in the older man).
Another similar example is whooping cough, which is dangerous in newborns. They can’t be immunised immediately after birth, and even if so, it takes a wee while for the immunity to build (IIRC).
There are others…
If enough folks get vaccinated, then the resulting “herd immunity” (look it up) protects the others, who are not necessarily bogan, or non-imunised by choice.
Also, in a mostly socialised medical system, such as ours, your tax dollars pay to treat the bogan that suffers from preventable disease.
Lastly, the bogan kids (not bogan by choice at that stage) don’t deserve to suffer due to the decisions of their bogan parents.
Goose, you’re right. And the responsible researching doctor has also been recently struck off for tampering with the results.
It’s always worth questioning medical sources, too. I recently read an anti-vaccination article that made a *referenced* claim that “75% of surveyed paediatricians would not vaccinate their children” WTF? So I checked the reference: from a conference of “Paediatricians Concerned About Vaccination Side-Effects”. I can’t even begin to express how angry this sort of shit makes me!
Oh well. They don’t have the MMR injection as children –> get mumps as adults –> become infertile (the boys, anyway), removing themselves from the gene pool. Everyone wins.
people keep saying that, Jen, but it affects more than just the people who choose not to immunise – therefore affecting non-bogans too…
There’s no correlation between vaccination and autism. Bogans and poorly informed parents believe there is because TT/ACA and even (once) The Lancet have produced dumbed down ‘science’ in an effort to give vague validity to the theory.
The only real connection is that parent’s tend to vaccinate their children at around the same developmental ages that autism symptoms begin manifesting – ergo, the vaccination must have caused it. Rubbish.
These are the same parents who when they’re children get whooping cough immediatly blame the ‘dirty, rotten kids’ at kindy as opposed to their own ignorance.
I see, the only link between autism and vaccination is the age of the child. Funnily enough the doctor whom I heard had suspicion of a link specialised in Aspergers, I wonder if any bogans are trying to get their nerdy child diagnosed.
It all sounds a bit like “my pubescent teen is moody so they must have a mental disorder” to me.
I seem to recall that that study was completely discredited…
I can’t remeber wher i read/heard it but there was some discussion linking poor diet, during pregnacy has been linked to the child developing certain allergies. poor die includes both junk food, as well as junk food made to look heathly i.e low fat, low salt high GI shit.
LOL. Perhaps in a quality, peer-reviewed scientific journal like “New Idea”?
Amazing, when you tell these “gluten-free/coeliac” fat bogans that they can’t have chips with their meal because they are cooked in a fryer which has had batter cooked in it, they tell you “that’s ok, I’m not that sensitive”. So, you’re not really a coeliac then, are you? Makes me feel sorry for the poor people who really are.
Or drinking beer, I know of one available micro-brewery beer that is wheat free.
LOL. No one “really is”. If you (claim to) have it, you’re a bogan.
have to defend coeliac disease here. as someone with the disease – diagnosed through gastroscopy and intestinal biopsy – i have to make clear that it is real. but, like persephone mentions, i do get annoyed at people who think it’s ‘trendy’ to eat gluten free. i don’t eat gluten free food because i think it’s cool or something but because my intestines can’t break gluten down. the couple of times i’ve had bad reactions since being diagnosed (from wedges and a sauce) i was virtually in tears it was so painful. the feeling is something akin to having your intestines ripped out. definitely not a fake condition.
as to people who claim to have all sorts of weird and wonderful allergies without having been diagnosed by a real doctor, i agree, they’re morons.
I don’t think TBL is having a crack at people with Coeliac disease per se, it’s just when bogans claim to be coeliac (or have other allergies) as an excuse for being a fussy eater, overweight or just generally being an attention whore. These are the ones that pretend they are going to be sick when someone opens up a packet of nuts 20 metres away.
The worst part is the number of bogans out there crying wolf about there is making it harder for those with genuine allergies to be taken seriously.
oh yes, i know and completely agree. my concern was that, in some people’s haste to criticise those who decide on a whim that they have an allergy/intolerance they can veer into criticising those who actually do have an allergy/intolerance.
Food allergy itself is very rare, especially gluten allergy. Lots of people claim intolerance, perhaps because the rest of their diet and general health is poor, so the body reacts to most everything it comes in contact with – a little bit.
gluten allergy is very rare, but gluten intolerance is not. i acknowledged that people do claim intolerances when they have none, but don’t extend that to everyone. mine was diagnosed through an intestinal biopsy and is not due to poor health, or being overly concerned about germs, like you mentioned further up (although i’m sure this is linked to the increase in allergies, but it still does not explain all allergies). for my case, my body simply does not make the necessary enzyme to break down gluten. nothing i can do about it. i
Agreed, the attention whores who fein allergys are doing people like me who are ceoliac no favors.
I used to go out with a girl with a gluten allergy, and she suffered symptoms very similar to ones you described, pb.
No laughing matter… except for the fact her father was a baker!
that just seems cruel! although you’d hope her father would have used his baking experience to bake her nice gluten free bread – much of it is quite bad and not edible other than as toast.
Huh? The vast majority of beer is “wheat free”.
Beers with wheat added are wheat beers and usually labelled as such.
Perhaps you mean gluten free? Barley (the most common grain used for beer) has gluten… Gluten is partially broken down during the mashing/brewing processes.
It seems as though some folks are using Sorghum instead of Barley, which has no gluten.
A nitpick, but as I brew myself I can’t resist…
I realised I wrote ‘wheat’ instead of ‘barley’ and was expecting someone to correct me.
A few years ago a guy I met was trying to promote his beer, he claimed it to be the only beer safe for coeliacs, which he was himself. He told me it was a rice based beer, I don’t brew so I can’t claim to know whether he was telling the truth or if that was his sales spiel.
It’s true – it just tastes terrible ;-)
It isn’t the only one, though.
Aaaah… a brewer? Excellent!!… mayhaps a delivery of your fine produce to the chaps here at the TBL comment board?
Ha! If I had any fine produce I’d be more than happy.
Alas I am just a hack. While I enjoy drinking the stuff it is not that flash. I do enjoy making it very much though.
I have a mate who’s got coeliacs. He has on occaision enquired about what is cooked in a fryer, ordered his chips on the word of the waitress. Five minutes after consumption starts, he can feel in his gut that the waitress lied.
chips are a real problem. Most eateries get them already processed, in bags. And they are coated with something to make them taste nice and crispy, and it’s flour-based. If a place cuts their own potatoes to make the chips, it’s safe for a coelic, but if they buy the ready-to-cook ones, nope.
Allergy to bogans. Symptoms include, but are not limited to;
scoffs, head shaking, facepalms, head scratching, cringing, head jerks etc.
Alas !! I think I am a sufferer of the aforementioned malady !! How do I treat this affliction !!???!!!
the only known cures are to a) leave Australia or b) join ’em
Not unlike allergies to other common animals such as dogs and cats, the best remedy is probably awareness and avoidance.
While these animals carry allergens that can cause epidermal irritation via direct contact, the bogan is unique as its allergens have also been known to effect people through practically every type of media.
If your symptoms are very severe you can try medication combined with therapy. Common medications are tea, coffee or fresh air and therapy can include open discussion with other sufferers or suitable relaxation exercises such as listening to non-pop music, subtitled movies, reading books without double line spacing and/or large font size and other less popular activities.
A new treatment is on trial too, commonly known as TBL, it can be taken daily or when symptoms arise. It takes advantage of the ‘laughter is the best medicine’ theory, it uses satire to highlight specific allergens so they can be numbed by developing a higher tolerance through understanding.
Whether it is universally effective is yet to be determined, clinical trials have shown it may exascerbate some peoples’ condition while soothing others’. It is actually theorised that some sufferers actually carry allergens while being immune to said allergen at the same time.
Because of this discovery, some people have expressed the need for suitably qualified boffins to create a BQ (Bogan Quotient) examination. The BQ exam would be used for two primary purposes, it would identify which allergens an individual is prone to and also which allergens they carry. Depending on the boffins’ expertise, it is believed the results BQ exam should be enough to classify bogans as it is widely believed that many people have developed immunity to the Classic Bogan while suffering symptoms due to the allergens of the Bogue Nouveau.
(For legal purposes, understand that this post is a work of fiction and should not be taken seriously, that means you, you bogan)
aaah.. Doctor Kaiks… many thanks for you advice!
Kudos. Just plain kudos. I am always appreciative of comments which extrapolate upon the post and enhace it, rather than those which either:
a) confirm the post in a poorly-worded, vitriolic denial
b) offer low-grade banter on the fictional online persona of Fiona of Toorak
c) all of the above
LOL. Jealous much?
glutton-free diet?
no bogan is glutton intolerant
Oh this one was sweet, thanks TBL for more fine work!
It’s so true… everyone’s ‘allergic’ these days. I’m a research scientist, and the current and strongest theory on the increase in allergies is that we are TOO clean nowadays. Our immune system does not get challenged as it used to, and so does not get the proper ‘training’ it needs to recognize an actual pathological threat. It instead becomes too overactive and ends up reacting against molecules that should be harmless, such as gluten. There’s pretty strong evidence for this theory, because as the West battles a rise in allergies, very few people in poorer countries have allergies.
It makes me angry when people say they suffer from an allergy (i.e. coeliac disease), and then go and eat food that would cause a real sufferer to become violently ill. If you really had that allergy, you would never do this!
any chance the some scientiest will come out and validate the “5 second rule” i.e. if you drop something on the floor if you pick it up within five seconds it still ok to eat?
Having toddlers I can tell you that the 5 second rule has now become the 5 minute rule. Never killed ’em yet.
i have found that the more children you have longer the rule gets….
Twas a report on a study a couple of years back suggesting it is more like 20 seconds.
Mythbusters did exactly this. From memory, they determined that the type of food that was dropped was more important than how long it was there.
So sticky food would pick up more germs than a dry biscuit.
Most people could reach that conclusion by inspection…I would hope.
Please TBL, do a piece on the bogans love of things that are clean, Antibacterial hand washes and wiped, air deoderisers etc. One of my pet hates.
Cleanliness leads them to believe that all is well with their lives, but it’s not exclusively a bogan trait. Australians as a people are the most clean-fixated I’ve ever come across, almost like they’re trying to scrub out something that’s invisible to the rest of the world.
air deodorisers are great, I like people to think my shit smells of a field of wildflowers.
The best term I’ve heard for this is making it smell like shit on a date. So true.
shit on a date. that’s ripe! bol
And include in it bogans who buy trolley seat covers for their kids so precious little Chanel doesnt touch the trolley and get germs.
Good point Nicki. I think it was Chris Rock who said that you won’t find anyone in Ethiopia that is lactose intolerant.
I think you’ll find plenty of African’s who are lactose intolerant. There are two type: primary and secondary. Primary lactose intolerance occurs in newborns and is incredibly rare – because as a baby, if you can’t drink milk you die. Anyone who tells you there baby has lactose intolerance is probably full of it. Secondary lactose intolerance occurs in older individuals who could tolerate lactose as an infant. A large percentage of people from cultures who do not drink milk (e.g. most asian cultures) have this type of lactose intolerance.
http://www.smh.com.au/world/science/tutu-genome-offers-clues-to-genetic-riddles-20100218-oed9.html
“The bushmen were found to lack genes for digesting milk and malaria resistance, but most had genes linked to enhanced physical prowess.”
Don’t you think the SMH might have reworded their headline better, to avoid confusion over the secrets of the ballet genome?
id like 2 disagree on that one.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lactose_intolerance#Lactose_intolerance_by_group
and please dont mix up an intolerance, where a particular individual doesnt produce an enzyme 2 break it down and an allergy where the immune system overreacts 2 something.
am lactose intolerant and i know when there was butter on my toast cos i suddenly have 2 run 2 the toilet or get stomach cramps for 24 hours.
also workin in cafes ive have witnessed the fake allergies in action.
customer: “i was wondering if that meals contains any dairy?”
me: “it has butter or fetta or goats cheese or yogurt or cream in it”
customer: “ah thats fine,i can have that”
i was really surprised a few years ago when i was told by someone that oats contain gluten after for years ‘celiacs’ kept tellin me that oats r ok.
great post tho,i did recognise a lot of my current and former customers
I’ll put my hands up for a race-based intolerance of whole milk. Not allergy, mind, just intolerance.
I have found, however, that those beta-casein milks that are out now are great, I can drink a litre of that stuff and feel fine. To prove I’m not spruiking on behalf of any particular producer, I will note that they are all as great as each other, so it doesn’t matter what brand you try (I use whichever one is sold at the grocery store I happen to be at, they are all fine).
Couldn’t let this one go – “a race-based intolerance of whole milk”. Are you saying you hate whole milk because it is white?
Oats don’t contain gluten, it’s just in Australia they’re grown with wheat, so they’re a cross-contamination issue (i.e., the same equipment used to process the oats, processes wheat too etc).
On the otherhand, the avenin in oats may affect some celiacs, so they may need to avoid pure oats anyhow.
I completely agree with you Nicki….
“strongest theory on the increase in allergies is that we are TOO clean nowadays”….very true!!!
Good hold…
Thanks,
Oliver
People think that if they get a bit bloated and/or gassy after eating something they must be allergic to it
Don’t forget the gluten free pizza craze we currently have. The term ‘gluten free’ is just a sales pitch.
We have a hamburger place in Newcastle that offers gluten free buns with asterisks * may contain traces of gluten.. classic!
Its not just allergy sufferers that exhibit behaviours like this.I see it all the time at work (Emergency department).People seem to doctor shop until they get a diagnosis and thats where it ends.Must be cause they also have an allergy (aversion) to reading and/or taking responsibility for their own health.Bogans.
That’s so true Jenni, but I would say that they doctor shop for prescriptions for certain ‘allergy’ treatments. I’ve seen this time and time again (hospitals) and it never surprised me that the main character of people doing this was the not so humble bogan
Oh, what a nice little story I have to relay for this post!
At a group dinner at the local Italian restaurant (not La Porchetta’s, but an actual Italian restaurant), my friends bogan fiance ordered a pizza, but since the menu said it had tomato on it, she asked for no tomato. She also requested that it be topped with bbq sauce (and, before you ask, yes she is a particularly overweight bogan).
So, her pizza arrived, and sure enough, there was no actual tomato on it and it was covered in bbq sauce, but there was still tomato paste on the base… This inevitably led to her unleashing her fury on the nearest waiter, but not until after she’d eaten a couple of pieces of it. Her rants included lines such as “I asked for no tomato and you’ve put tomato paste on it! How dare you!?! I could be allergic to tomatoes, did you ever think of that?!?!”.
Said waiter retreated to the kitchen and had a second pizza prepared for her that did not feature tomato paste (although, I’m sure it would have contained any number of bodily fluids from the staff after the serve she’d given them).
Anyway, once she got the second pizza, she was happy… Happy enough to ask that the first pizza with the tomato paste be put in a doggy bag for her and her partner to take home. Of course, she is not allergic to tomatoes at all, but apparently just wanted to make the point.
Needless to say, none of us have ever returned to the restaurant, because we were all so embarassed by her.
Hilarious.
Especially as that bbq sauce almost certainly had tomato in it…
Ooo now there is an idea for a post…the bogan need to yell at / abuse / threaten and assault waiters, wait staff, shop keepers, bus drivers, taxi drivers or anyone else remotely associated with the service or hospitality industry if they do not get something they like or want…as if it is their God give right to abuse another human being! I was particularly embarrassed by a COB I know who proceeded to yell at an 18 year old waitress because her coffee did not arrive quickly enough.
Similar situation last night:
“I’ve been sittin’ here waitin’ fer me Vindaloo Against Violence fer an hour mate! If it’s not out here in 5 minutes I’m gonna chase ya inta ya smelly f*cken kitchen an’ glass ya, ya li’l ol’ curry c*nt!”
Excuse me. Said incident exaggerated for the purpose of irony accentuation. He was a ‘huge’ gentleman wearing a pretty lairy yellow t-shirt though. I had an spurious allergic reaction to him on sight.
ALAS !!! That is soooo true Trina !!
During my younger days.. I worked in a segment of the service industry whilst at Uni, and my word… the number of bogan stories that can be told!
Let’s just say it was a particular demographic of society whom, on busy days, always tried to sneak their 3 trolley loads of groceries (pringles, coke, disposable nappies etc) through the 12 items or less check-out. One day security had to remove one gentleman (and I use the term loosely) from the center after he unleashed a tirade of C-Bombs at me after I suggested he use one of the regular lanes.
Funnily enough I never had that problem with the people we are apparently too ‘full’ to accomodate.
If I owned “an actual Italian restaurant” I would refuse to make pizzas that had ridiculous things on them like BBQ sauce and pineapple…I would be such a snooty italian.
p.s I bet your friend’s fiance pronounces it “eye-talion”
hahaha, i’ve stopped picking on her pronunciation of certain things after she unleashed on me for picking on her pronunciation of the word castle at a party once. You see, she’s originally from Sydney, and since we all live in Melbourne, the c-ass-tle vs c-ars-tle difference in pronunciation was quite apparent. As was her X-treme sensitivity to being told “If you wanna live in Melbourne and ‘shack up’ with our friend, you have to start talking like a Melburnian”.
All said in jest after copious amounts of alcohol had been consumed, but it didn’t stop her from screaming at me, storming out of the party (after conveniently stopping at the fridge to retrieve the cheap wine that she’d brought), and pretending to walk home. She actually only walked around the block and returned a few minutes later to continue her rant about how I was the worst person in the world, she hates me, she wants to move back to Sydney and she’s so hard done by etc etc.
I found it hard to keep a straight face when I attempted to apologise for hurting her feelings. I had to bite my tongue to ensure that I didn’t say something along the lines of “So it’s ok for you to insist on telling us about the STI’s you’ve contracted over the years, or the abuse you allegedly suffered as a child, or your toilet habits etc, but all of a sudden you’re overly sensitive and embarassed by being called on a pronunciation issue”…
Seriously, I wish TBL could hold a function of some sort for us readers to bring along our biggest bogan acquaintance to share with others. Prizes could be given to the reader who knows the person deemed to have the highest BQ.
A Bogan ‘Dog Fight’! Tremendous idea! For safety reasons though you would all have to give them plastic glasses, less they find out what was really going on!
BogueFights! I imagine it would be a cross between UFC and Bum Fights, only more x-treme. And possibly leaning more toward the Bum Fights end of the spectrum.
In my previous life as a nurse I used to get a laugh taking health histories from bogans. I would have conversations such as (and these actually happened):
Bogan:”I’m allergic to adrenaline”
Me: “Ok, what reaction do you get from it?”
Bogan: “Awww, my heart rate goes up and I feel all nervy and agitated”
Me: “Difficulty breathing, loss of consciousness, chest pain?”
Bogan: “Nah, I just feel jittery and full of energy”
Or
Bogan: “I’m allergic to morphine and that”
Me: “Reaction?”
Bogan: “I dunno, it just makes me feel all spacey and sleepy and that”
Me “Any vomiting, itching, swelling, or difficulty breathing?”
Bogan: “Nah, just real sleepy and chilled”
Kind of the same as saying “I’m allergic to beer. When I have 10 schooners I feel all sleepy and bloated, then in the morning I have a headache and fart a lot”
I’m allergic to Tequila, after a dozen shots it makes me go a bit crazy and vomit.
Yes Jasper,and of course ” do you have any other medical conditions?” ”Nuh.”
”Are you on any medications?” ”Oh just Metformin,metaprolol,Oroxine….” and the list goes on.Scrub out first answer.
hand you a list of medications because they cant pronounce them or tell you what they are for.”Dunno, the doctor just put me on them”.
We get junie bogans who are allergic to codein, buy can have injectable pethedine ( the tablets make them sick though).
I can just imagine Shazza going to meet Kazza and Mazza at Gloria Jeans and ostentatiously declaring she should have a “cup-of-cino with soy, ’cause the doctor told me I was lactose incontinent.”
or LARTAY aka latte
I’d love to be able to hand ’em a very long glass of ice-cold milk in response to their request for a “lartayyy”
Makes me think of the, dare I say, coerced diagnosis of ADHD in children of bogan parents.
Perhaps the learning difficulty/troublesome behaviour was caused by the lack of parental attention or diet during their formative years.
I’ve been witness to many bogan parents whose children crave attention, only to end up being shoved in front of the TV with a packet of chips or told that “they’re tired” and should go to bed.
The parents all the while appear to spend their time attempting to continue their ‘pre-child’ life – smoking ciggies, having parties, going to music festivals, etc…
I’m grateful that my parents took the time to be there to educate and encourage me as a child.
of cause their kids have ADD/ADHD, how else will they get their legally prescribed speed ( Ritalin),
ADHD deserves its own TBL entry.
Second that Tone.
I agree.
Apparently Sydney researchers now have a genetic test for ADHD – no more over-prescribing! Parents taking responsibility for the poor behaviour of their brats!
I have seen a bogan mother give her 1.5 year old coke. My kids are 9 and 10 and haven’t had coke. I was so horrified I couldn’t speak.
I’ve seen 6 month olds drink Coke from a baby bottle. That said, the parent in question was deep in bogan territory (bordering on ‘feral’, tbh). Said parent of the year is the best friend of one of several Bogans-In-Law that I acquired when I got married.
Sigh.
I was travelling between Newcastle and Sydney by train, and not surprisingly a bogan woman (dressed something like a cross between a pirate movie extra and a leather daddy), allowed her youngest of the six children with her to take a mighty swig of her Woodstock and cola.
In case you missed the advertising there’s a story on ACA or TT tonight (can’t remember which) with the headline “Chow Mein Meow – the Chinese restaurant that is serving up kitty to unsuspecting customers” Should be a ripper, I’ll be watching closely with plenty of racist outrage.
Food alergies? The chick at work with alergies to leeks and onions because they make her ‘break out in stuff’ is still my favourite.
I use the threat of being forced to eat peanut butter sandwiches as a way to keep my four year old on the straight and narrow so allergy phobia does serve one useful purpose atleast.
im looking forward to that current affairs chow mien thing too!
While not an allergy per se, what about every bogans fail safe disorder, depression. The copious drugs that are associated with it and the blackouts that occur from drinking 38 UDL’s after 8 valium tablets which gives them the excuse to glass some cunt has always been a winner in my books.
you’d be depressed too if you were a bogan
Once again a debatable one – I sincerely beleive that bogans embrace their boganity therefore it should not be a trigger for their depression. More likely causes would be the non ratings period on commercial TV – NO REALITY TV – NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
All that self-primping (fake tan, Ed Hardy) acquiring of electronics and talking itself up surely indicates the Bogan suffers from low self esteem issues, which associates with depression.
p.s I LOVE non ratings season…this year not so much though…
I thought that there was a syndrome that this whole issue was named after…
It was shown on an episode of House on Channel 10….
Basically, your mind can trick you into having symptoms of an illness that you don’t have, just from seeing someone else with the illness…
The example on the TV show was on a plane, and it was quite clever how they diagnosed the illness and tricked the person into proving themselves that they weren’t infact sick at all…
I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the syndrome… any help…
Subliminal Boganism?
Münchausen syndrome?
The episode is Airborne. I found it from the clues given. It’s mass hysteria.
It’s a good episode. Shows how the mind can cause even a rash to manifest.
Munchausen’s?
Oh,no..they like being sick.
Love the attention.
Correct! Sorry – got the wrong episode in my head.
The type of condition are psychosomatic illnesses. Y’know like in the Simpsons when Lisa’s teacher gets sick….
One kid asks what it is – “that means she’s crazy”, “nah, that means she’s faking it!” are the replies.
That pretty much sums it up!
I saw an episode of Dr Phil (I was unemployed for a year) that was about munchausen bi proxy, where the parent makes their child sick/injured or elongates their child’s sickness/injury for the attention..dear god it made me feel physically ill, but I couldn’t look away.
Yes Jo,it really happens.Had one mother brought her toddler in several times to be told that the child had a virus and to treat the symptoms..Next day she was back and the child had a raging high temperature.Doctor,finally,had enough of the mother and admitted the child for observation(secretly diagnosed Maternal Acopia).As I was taking them to the Paed ward the mother said to me ” I knew they would admit her if I didn’t give her Panadol.”She had rung every family member and friend to tell them little toddler was so sick she had to be admitted.Treatment for said child….Panadol.
wow she actually kind of admitted it to you ( “I knew they would admit her if I didn’t give her Panadol”) poor kid, that’s so freakishly scary.
alas.. I have always said… one should need a licence to have a baby..
Glad the reference to thyroids was in there.
Where would fat bogans be without being able to blame their weight problems on anything other than improper diet and poor exercise…….
I find a number of overweight bogans will also blame “hip displacement” or a similar condition for their obesity. The true allergy if indeed there is one at all is in fact an allergy to realism!! Great post TBL – All this week has been great. Still awaiting a post on UFC and Ugg Boots!!
are they uggs still relevant?
It’s debatable. I think they are. Reeks of “Classic Old-School Bogue” but they made a resurgence in recent yrs where they were deemed fashionable by the new bogan and were lapped up on mass by the new bogan market. UFC is a must though.
Mmm, yes. Pamela Anderson started wearing them with a mini skirt to the shops. Cue mass bogan following. However, that was 6+ years ago. I haven’t seen it lately, have you? Must be due for a recycle by now though!
I expect it will return as does everything regrettable these fools take up.. Unfortunate indeed.. All that’s needed is a pic of someone in Uggs on the cover of No Idea or Womans Day and we’re off and running..
on the cover of No Idea or Women’s Boring Day AGAIN* and we’re off and running ;)
“hip displacement”?
I thought that was something certain breeds of dog suffered due to genetic abnormalities/cross breeding/weight being concentrated on a different area etc
Absolutely not!! The bogan will blame such conditions for their obesity even though it was more a case of the obesity actually causing the hip displacement to begin with if it is in fact a genuine condition. Also prescription steroids seem to be favourite bogan excuse when it comes to being grossly overweight.. eg: “I had a collapsed lung once and was put on a course of steroids by the Dr and ever since I’ve resembled a hot air balloon”
Most fat bogans were also state champion swimmers / ballerinas until their knee injuries and subsequent cortisone treatments lead to their sudden ballooning…
Yes – This is another piece of bogan logic I’ve heard before also.
Or don’t forget…. high-school cheerleaders!
mentioned before was the bogan’s love of being clean, air fresheners n such… how about the automatic mortein/raid fly sprays? Surely this will cause more disease than the insects that they’re supposed to be keeping out
yes!
Any sign of a fly or a bug and it’s out with the spray.
I refuse to use the stuff.
What is wrong with a rolled up newspaper or rubber thong (flip flop)?
A fine misting of neurotoxic materials inside, and a facemask for smog outside
1980’s- ‘My Kid cant drink Coke’
2000’s-‘My kid cant eat Peanut Butter’
God help us!!!!!!(prob the same Mums in some cases too)
Ae you kidding, Adrian? Coca Cola would have gone broke!
When I have kids they can’t drink Coke because they’re not bogans.
my kids are 6 and 4 and i could count the number of times they have had coke on one hand, they get the choice of milk or water and only get a juice/coridal after lunch. on special occations, parties etc they get to have a lemonade, solo etc.
toxic stuff. Coke and Maccas are the root of all evil. Bogans give that shit to their kids from a young age, training them to enjoy fatty, salty, sugary, chemical enhanced food only. Doomed…
You don’t get “trained” as you put it. It’s actually a natural physiological craving to take high carbs when it is available. Oh, horrors – natural is supposed to be good for you…
Trav, I can just see your kids turning out like the Flanders’ children – they’ll get to about 16 and start abusing pixie sticks and then move onto shotgunning soft drinks for the thrill.
Me too the trav. My kids are 9 and 10, and have never had a glass of coke in my house, I know they have had coke but it made my 10 year old so sick he vomited. Now he wont touch it at all. But, I do let them have soft drink but no coke. They prefer water anyway.
We didn’t let kids drink coke. I still remember having a bit of a horrified giggle when talking to a bogan friend on the phone and hearing her scream in frustration:
“Jayden this is the last time I’m telling you! Stop mucking around and finish your maccas and drink your coke and get to bed!”
Probably the same bogan I knew.
Her Jayden would then refuse to go to sleep so his mum would hurtle down the corridor to his room, screaming and yelling at him.
At that stage her bogan teenage daughter would come home, they’d get into a screaming arguement, up Jayden would get, and mum and daughter would proceed to yell at him.
Eventually mum would get Jayden to go to bed by – get this – giving him a chocolate bar.
Five, four, three, two , one – BLAST OFF!
My pet hate is the “detox” (7,14, 28 days) etc
Some dodgey vitamins and herbs in a pill put together by some marketing genius to once again fleece the ignorant bogan who thinks taking some tablet or fluid mixture will “rid them of all toxants associated with your modern lifestyle”.
FFS, thats what your body is designed to do.
So the bogan takes a pill or some ghastly concoction for two weeks, tells other friends of its wonderful results, and continued with its pitiless overconsumption of vast quantities of alochol and saturated fats, because well, it is easier than a balanced lifestyle and diet, and why go through all that shit when a pill can do it for you.
Mmmhmm! Bogan ex-neighbour (same person as below) wanted to go on a detox diet, but said she was reluctant because a friend of hers did one with cabbage leaves, and smelled bad as a result.
However, Bogan ex-neighbour only showered every three days . . .
Yeah same.. The bogan loves a “good detoxin” as reccomended by No Idea magazine.
A “dietician” once told a friend of mine her blood was too “acidic”, and to stop eating white bread, white rice, oranges, tomatos, and basically any healthy and/or readily available food. No mention of the coke and rum binges she went on 4 nights a week… how about “don’t put that shit in your body and get more sleep”?
A dietician wouldn’t have said that. A nutritionist – you know, the unlicensed, unprotected title – would have been all over that. Like Dara O’Briain says, “dieticians are to nutritionists what dentists are to toothyologists”.
I get a teensy bit irritated at some of the class-bias in the comments here. Yes, bogans do have a long list of spurious food allergies, and still continue to eat like shit – which is scary and annoying. At the same time – if you go to the outer suburbs or the country – THERE IS ONLY SUPERMARKET FOOD – and the cheapest food is also the most chemically laden (eg – 1 banana is 70 cents versus a packet of tim-tams for $2!). Processed and chemical laden food became prolific in the 1970s – and so now we’ve had 2 and 3 generations of poor people consuming chemical cocktails – so it’s little wonder that there are kids running around with crazy allergies and food sensitivities. The real lurking horror is the amount of diabetes that all this processed food is quietly generating…..
True, however I live in the inner city and manage to grow fresh fruit, vegetables and herbs in a very small back yard. A packet of seeds cost less than 2 dollars. No one is holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to eat tim tams and as far as I know you don’t need special permits to have a vegetable patch. A packet if lentils is also about $2.
A bogan eating lentils – Now that would be a sight to behold.
Anybody eating lentils (and pretending to enjoy it) is a sight to behold.
I think it’s pretty easy to get good food from a supermarket and even if a banana is 70 cents vs $2 for a pack of tim tams you should actually prioritise your spending so that you are able to usually buy the banana (or something locally grown and in season that is probably cheaper).
Anyway, I don’t think invented food allergies are really the domain of the genuinely poor, it’s more the NAB that is the focus of TBL – aspirational types with no style or brains.
Doctor, this shit about not being able to afford to eat properly is about as bogan an excuse as you can get in Australia. The chemicals and the processed food leading to problems yes but eating badly is a choice any way you look at it.
I’d disagree.
Most food if you can be bothered actually preparing it yourself is better tasting and cheaper than highly processed food.
Macca’s would cost…$30? (I don’t eat there) for a family. For less than this amount of money are you telling me you would have trouble cooking a proper meal?
The reason most people (not only bogans) eat crap food is simple. They’re lazy.
And the clever and duplicitous marketing (directed at children, primarily) makes bogans feel like it’s okay.
This is a load of rot.
The supermarkets stock what the bogans want to buy and eat. You are accusing the tail of wagging the dog Doctor Mayhem.
Bogan ex-neighbour once told me that she was allergic to starch . . . in between mouthfuls of McDonald’s French Fries.
“With the unpredictability of a grapefruit’s squirt”
Genius.
“I have a thyroid condition.”
“Stop eating thyroids then.”
Great Post TBL
As an Actual Allergy sufferer (sufferee?), you will do anything to avoid whatever triggers the allergy, because to me it’s an option of breathing or not (i kind of like the idea of continued breathing). Luckily, mine is pretty obscure & easy to avoid (and i dont like to advertise it), but the amount of idiots that say “why dont you just take it out” when it’s present, continues to astound me. Generally of the NaB variety that find their latest diet or allergy on TT/ACA or in New idea….
These Munchausen by proxy allergies in kids are just laughable…in a tragic way. For instance this mother at my little bloke’s kindy claimed her son was allergic to ‘red things’ i.e. tomato, strawberry and the like. Made all the more painful as my son is actually allergic to sesame and dairy products (not hugely thankfully. He’s not anaphylactic but gets a pretty good skin reaction. He does appear to be growing out of it though) – she was just attention seeking.
Anybody with half a brain would NOT wish real allergies upon themselves or their kin. Unfortunately bogans don’t fit that description.
That poor kid is going to have to live its entire childhood not eating red things….and some of the best things are red!
Most likely a misinterpretation of hearing not to feed kids foods with (artificial) colourings such as red cordial/lollies.
So they switched to green cordial and cut strawberries.
How about the 48hr Detox.
That you can try free at home for 30 days?
Wait! What?
CT
Free 30 day trial? Wicked, she can get 14 of her Best Bogan Friends to try it with her.
The first time I encountered “allergies” was with a few British toffs in Spain who complained loudly (but in posh accents) about every single ingredient (plus the Spanish waiter serving us) and it’s potential to cause their allergy.
Looks like it has percolated all the way down to the lowly masses down under. Or does the Anglo-Saxon/Celtic gene play a huge role?!
I survived the 60s with an allergy to peanuts, but quite a few didn’t. It’s usually severe, it kills you pretty quick if you eat the nasty things. It sucks that people are deciding to be allergic to nuts for lifestyle reasons.
I was gobsmacked that people were pretending to be gluten-intolerant because they’re under the impression that gluten is somehow unhealthy. I have heard them discussing it, and it’s like they’re treating gluten as fat, best avoided.
Allergy to logic indeed. Makes life a lot harder for real allergics who have no choice in the matter.
that must of been hard, I assume food packaging wasn’t marked with “may contrain traces of nuts” warnings on them back int hose days…but I’ve often wondered if people with nut allergies just ignore those warnings because they’re on a very large proportion of packaged food and I guess it would be unlikely to have a reaction
Yeah, no. I have a friend who is allergic to nuts, and he had a reaction when I opened a packet of peanuts at the opposite end of the room. Nut allergies are very serious, and you wouldn’t want to take any risks at all in regards to having it in your food.
LOL. “Must of”. Dear TBL, when is the use of “of” for “have” going to make its appearance as a topic of its own?
oh yes! Good one, Fiona. TBL shou’d of (sic) thought of that already!
The article could perhaps include the various misspellings of ‘definitely’ (definately, deffinatley etc), your/you’re etc and the bogans defiance against being correct/ed.
What about ‘youse’?(?sp) The plural of a plural. MUHAHAHAHA
Yes, your spelling is correct. I know this because I found ‘youse’ in the Oxford Australian Dictionary many years ago, to my immense horror.
Really?? No way?! I’m so unhappy now :(
Get over it ladies. The language changes. ‘Shall’ is no less than a substitution of ‘will’. (Or should for would, to be precise). That Boganism will accepted phrasing in a generation’s time.
(should*)
(writing ‘should of’ in a sentence made my brain implode)
It must be genuinely terrifying to be allergic to peanuts. As mentioned above just about everything has a warning on it.
there are labels warning us of ‘traces of nuts’ on products that have no association whatsoever; what’s flying around in those factories??
My fave are the packets of nuts that have the “may contain traces of nuts” warning label.
Picked up one of those packets from our local Coles just last week :-) Was so good we got another, too!
My favourite was the sleeping pills I bought for a long flight, that “may cause drowsiness”
The same machines are used to process different kinds of foods. Many processing plants process different foods on different days: Monday is muesli bar day, Tuesday is chocolate bar day, and so on. And considering that people who really are allergic to nuts can have severe reactions to very small traces, all food processed on the same equipment needs to be labelled thus.
damn straight – found out not long ago (and the hard way) that our daughter (16mo now) is allergic to peanuts. The hospital trip wasn’t fun. All products are now scanned carefully, and epi-pen is always handy. no family history of allergies, and we’re not exactly religious with the cleaning products, so no idea where it came from :(
Nut allergies come in many flavours – she’s allergic to peanuts but not other nuts, so the labelling has to be specific.
Which is strange, as peanuts aren’t technically nuts. It’d be interesting to know how many people have an allergy of peanuts AS WELL as ‘other’ (actual) nuts. You’d think they’d differentiate between them on packets?
Peanuts are my biggie, and yes, they’re actually legumes. Discovered one night a few years back that I’m also very allergic to split peas! That was scary.
Also some tree nuts, and I used to love cashews and one day discovered that I was now allergic to them, which was a surprise. I avoid all nuts now, it’s just easier. I figure they’re all processed in the same facilities, so likelihood of contamination from a “bad” nut is high.
Ahhhh! So if you find you’re allergic to a new nut, it could be just from it being processed near a peanut, and no real allergy at all – but, understandably, not safe to eat.
A (Kiwi bogan) friend of mine became a “vegaquarian” (no land animals, basically) and soon after developed a severe allergy to prawns and shellfish. Then to wine.
It’s since been discovered that the preservatives 221 and 222 are to blame – used by fishermen and vintners – and not the foods/products themselves…
It’s a good argument for remaining omnivorous!
I’ve often wondered if people with allergies to shellfish and prawns are actually allergic to Sodium Metabisulphate. Many boats will dip the catch in that to keep it fresh, enabling them to stay out longer and catch more seafood. They use this preservative to keep dried apricots looking nice, too.
Exactly! And once your body decides it’s allergic, it’s hard to convince it otherwise.
As for bogans, the charity I fundraise for was holding a sausage sizzle at Bunnings one morning and we’d run out of white bread. When the bogue was offered wholemeal she snapped “no! I’m allergic!”. Priceless.
Vegaquarian? That’s the stupidest word I’ve heard this week.
not really. That bogan could have decided to go vegetarian instead. Thus eliminating the problem concerning seafood.
They do differentiate. Some packets say “traces of nuts”, we only (thankfully) have to worry about the ones that mention peanuts specifically. Others have to worry about tree nuts, and so on.
Probably advised to print it by the legal department.
Costs nothing to print it on the label and may prevent a lawsuit if some bogan worker drops his power bar into the vat which causes an outbreak of reactions.
The warnings are due to Australia’s lax food processing rules, so they use the same machinery to manufacture and package different foods. If you get a non-nut food that was made just after they made a batch of peanut butter, you’re going to die.
I used to wonder why my mouth sometimes swelled up after having Nestle (Club) dark chocolate, then the warnings started appearing and the mystery was solved.
I don’t touch anything with the nut warning on, have had too many nasty experiences. yes, I miss chocolate.
For fuck’s sake! It’s “La Porchetta”! It doesn’t belong to some guy called “La Porchetta”, therefore it has no possessive apostrophe.
Thank you Michael. You’re the first to pick up in 200-something comments the true, non-bogan spelling of the franchise. We think that if bogans continue to refer to it in this way, they will eventually be forced to change their labelling and signage, making us remarkably prescient. Cheers. TBL
Nobody has made it cool to have hayfever yet. Sad. :(
Fiona, have you worked out if you have one or two pools yet ??
What sort of idiot lies about having two pools or has two pools at all ??
Cant beliebe people believe Fiona’s BS
belieVVVVe
Celiac = BOGAN!
no, coeliac disease (celiac is the american spelling) is a medically diagnosed condition, diagnosed firstly through a blood test, and secondly, an intestinal biopsy. it is incredibly frustrating to have people question the reality of coeliac disease and mock those who have it. here is a link that explains the disease fairly well: http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Coeliac_disease
I regularly see people with ‘gluten allergies’ stuffing their faces with gluten rich food.
Funny how ‘gluten allergies’ are unheard of in Asia. Has anyone explored the connection (conXun?) between tattoos and ‘gluten allergies’?
gluten intolerance, not allergy. and no tattoos on me. coeliac disease is less common in asia, but that is due to both genetics and a diet that is rice rather than wheat based. i don’t doubt your accounts of self-diagnosed people eating foods containing gluten, but don’t make the leap to thinking that every person who says the are gluten intolerant or have coeliac disease is making it up.
Are the anti vaccination cretins included under this banner?Have a look on youtube at bogun god and godess Jim Carrey and Jenny MacCarthy ranting about how vaccination causes autism .
http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/Food-allergy-fascists-make-peanuts-of-us-all/?referrer=email
I thought Jacqueline read TBL until I got to “Nanny State” (sans quotes)
Today/Tonight 17th June: 1 in 10 Aussie kids suffer potentially DEADLY allergies, and Australia is the WORLD LEADER in allergies.
Spurious or real problem? :O
Bogan food allergies are proof that Darwin was right, why else would their food try and kill them before they are old enough to reproduce?
The phrase “traces of nuts” means that the food manufacturer can’t trust its bogan employees not to teabag the packaging.