#11 – Ruining Music Festivals

28 10 2009

A new type of festival goer has emerged in recent years. First observed around the turn of the millennium at the Melbourne Big Day Out, it goes just to say it did, and because everyone else is. It pays hundreds of dollars to attend festivals, often paying top dollar to scalpers at the last minute after its lack of organisational and budgeting skill prevents it from acquiring tickets in advance.

Big Day OutIt attends festivals only to spend the vast majority of its time hovering around the beer garden or the line for beer in a valiant attempt to avoid actually seeing any bands. This is because it does not in fact know any of the bands playing, not having heard them on commercial radio or seen them on Video Hits (There is one rare exception – when there is a DJ tent, or famous electronic artist performing. In this instance, it instantly congregates with its kind, pops candy, and proceeds to beat the crap out of its peers in sheer happiness at the glowing solidarity provided by Girl Talk’s ‘Shut the Club Down’).

As the day goes on, and it consumes far more alcohol and drugs than it could possibly handle, it begins to get agitated. It has strayed too far from its natural habitat. There are too many emos around. Everyone is wearing black, and Travisty t-shirts are few and far between. It gravitates toward others like it, easily identifiable by a lack of shirt (or aforementioned Travisty apparel), intense sunburn, an Australian flag draped over their shoulders, a Southern Cross tattoo, or all of the above.


Image credit: Riot ACT

Once a group of sufficient size is formed, confidence begins to swell among the herd. It, with the security of its new posse, can now begin hurling insults toward emos, who are identifiable to the herd by their lack of Travisty attire. The herd, the alcohol and the drugs have given it super powers, and it uses those powers for the most worthy cause it can think of: to intimidate foreign-looking people into kissing the Australian flag.

The proliferation of the festival-going, shirtless, sun burnt, Australian flag draped, Southern Cross tattoo bearing bogan has ruined many a festival. In fact, the bogan has the unique ability to ruin any public event, including the Melbourne Cup, one-day cricket, Cronulla Beach (not actually an event), New Years Eve, and Christmas.