Today, TBL puts your Bachelor of Bogan education on hold to present this post, which marks a watershed in boganic entertainment.
We’re not talking about the Michael Jackson greatest hits record from his pre-paedophilia period, although there’s little to dislike about that, save for the teeth-grindingly bad duet with Paul McCartney. No, we’re talking about the other history: that is, things that have already happened. But the bogan is not excited by the intrigues of the Prussian court. It will not explore the minutiae of Carthaginian naval tactics, nor develop an appreciation for sublime artefacts from the Kingdom of Benin’s golden age. The bogan’s history doesn’t fuck about with such niceties. The bogan’s history is about blood, guts, massive swords, and glory that lasts throughout the ages. It’s about Spartans with immense rigs, and Vikings with horny helmets. Pirate wenches with busts so heaving, the turbulent seas get jealous. History that’s pissed off, soaked in blood, and coming at you like a cavalry charge, making your heart pump like five cans of Steven Segal’s Lightning Bolt. History to the absolute outer limits of maxtreme.
Following in the fine French tradition of getting bogans so excited they simultaneously lose control of their bladders and their wallets, Gallic bogan-baiter Robert Hossein is on a winner with Ben Hur – the Stadium Spectacular. Clearly bigger than all previous incarnations of itself, this incredible stadium adaption of the historically woeful but completely thrilling Hollywood epic starring Charlton Heston, is soon to explode into Sydney’s ANZ Stadium like a 200 megaton, bogan-homing warhead. According to the website, it “combines the scale of the Sydney Olympic Games Opening Ceremony with the drama of the slave who dared defy the Roman Empire”. This high octane gonad-history thrill ride will feature narration by Russell Crowe, a Roman galleon and a 32-chariot race, fulfilling the history quota, but remaining suitably reminiscent of Easternats, with a slightly higher possibility of violent rioting and the rim-looting hijinks. To TBL’s eternal glee, orange TV personality Richard Wilkins also appears to be spruiking this.
Bogans are taunted by the website that it is for two nights only, and have arranged exclusive presale tickets to avoid missing out, but chances are this thing will be bum-rushed by so many bogans that the organisers will fear a bogan revolt, and promise to extend the run until it rivals P!nk’s latest marathon tour of Australian scout halls. For when the bogan can get his history served up with enormous explosions, megalitres of blood and huge guns, when he can watch chariots with spinning blades on their rims doing massive burnouts LIVE ON STAGE, all whilst drinking overpriced mid-strength beer out of a plastic cup, the bogan is a slavering demon for history.
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LOL. O.M.G. This can’t be real…
Holding a Higher Degree in the Classics, Fi, you should be offering your services as a Consultant to this production. Added with your recent BBo studies, you would be a massive asset.
LOL. True. Fortunately, as a young lady of independent wealth, I don’t need to debase myself in this way – or deal with Russell Crowe.
But he’s maxxtreme. You might even get to witness a glassing in the flesh! Surely a lady of your bearing and stature can deign to provide us unworthy commoners with your vast knowledge of the classics while getting to observe these acts of boganity in the field?
LOL. Indeed sir, I can not.
My deep study of Gladiator indicates that a regal person like yourself should definitely be present. Plus you need to lose your repressed heart to the mammoth ox in armour rampaging in the stadium.
LOL. Ew, but he’d be all sweaty and smelly!
Not only is it real, I fear that TBL have (for once) understated said reality. Loved the heaving busts quip…
Since Frank Thring’s death, I have no stomache for Epic Theatre – live or otherwise. Michael Pate was good too.
Mark D: I can understand why. Who can forget Oscar camp standard performance
Thring : for acting method expression – using one arched eyebrow or maybe dropping that hankie to start the Ben- Hur chariot race?
Michael Pate: decked out in that war paint and feathers, trying to play being ‘a injun’.
I wonder if this is presented by the same scoundrels that brought us The Man From Snowy River Craptacular? What next????
You’re probably being ironic, but it is ‘Carthaginaian’
We actually weren’t. Thanks Olly – TBL
So, Billy. Do you like gladiator films?
Ever hang out at the gymnasium?
Only for the articles…
I want to go and mock it and them! Where can you win tickets?
You can probably get them if you open a bank account. Who needs decent interest rates when you might WIN WIN WIN!!
Aw man. It’s tonight! Fark.
LOL. Perhaps it will be shown on TV, thus allowing the plasma in the Grand Sitting Room to be given a workout?
That’s no fun. I want to mock loudly to an audience.
LOL. Perhaps you could convince Wayne Mullett and any little Mullets you have to sit still and listen to the hectoring?
Wayne?
Mister and Master Mullet are frequently subjected to my vitriolic rants. Poor things.
LOL. Surely if a Shirley has a man it’s a Wayne?
Sorry to disappoint you Fiona, but no. Not Wayne.
Did any body else notice that promotional blurb for the show sounds more like Spartacus. I notice the photo is as well…..
LOL. Should this come to Victoria, I hope it’s held at Kryal Castle, thus allowing the bogan to believe the gladiator fights were held in Medieval England. Or Ballarat.
STOP BEGINNING EVERY POST WITH LOL, WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY DO THIS, WHY MUST YOU BE SO ANNOYING?!?@#?!#?
Also while i’m here, bogan facebooking is hilarious:
Damo Chennell watching to farst to furious drift tokyo
fuckin sick
Wow. I’m surprised no one has said this before. *rolls eyes*
Check out the names of her children!
In reply…..
Check out the names of her children!
She must be at least third generation bogue. Someone should offer her a breast augmentation and lifetime of free tanning if she gets sterilised immediately. And her children.
Those names are hilarious! Also:
Damo Chennell My daughters name iz laytiyah chennell
Then the next day he posted:
Damo Chennell Im getting the snip im going to be sor im scared
19 August at 16:18
Maxwell Adam wtf…. u gettn ur ballz snip haha
19 August at 16:56
Damo Chennell yer bro i dont wont to get a other girl pregant rhiz the mother of my child and the only 1 il cherest it to thd day eye die bro
19 August at 17:14
Amber Maxwell Damo your too young! GOSH… Keep in trousers and this shit wont happen ;-)
19 August at 21:44
Amber Maxwell buy condoms and stop knocking up other chicks!
19 August at 21:45
Damo Chennell i had the love of my life amber i fucked up like always we wanted a child tngether i just dñt want another 1 it wou5d be gay
20 August at 08:47
Now this is definitely LOL worthy.
I went to school with this dickhead….nothing has changed….he still can’t read, write or spell. Such a life waster! Does not surprise me….
http://theantibogan.wordpress.com/ documents heaps of idiots on facebook
it could be a bit depressing though
Maybe its TBL’s other project. It’s dark.
But first they should send quarantine the FB bogues till they can write a post that at least seems like the English language.
yet again duh, del *send*.
Kryal Castle!! That takes me back to when I spent a few years living amongst the heathen. And what about The Cuckoo?? is that still going? Bogalicious.
Chris : Yes…….What about the THEATER RESTAURANTS!!!! Like Bull & Bush, Bunratty Castle, Dicrty Dicks or Nero’s
The Minus – 5 star rating places – for has -been entertainers who never even had Support ratings – let alone ever ‘ a star rating EVER’ .The arse end of Show Biz.
Talk about a bogan slip up, here Jeeeeezzzzzzzz
Same menus to start.
Start with some muck soup and a bread roll
(then everything therein – is gender orientated)
Main course: Beef (for the Men) Chicken (for the Ladies)
Dessert: Chocolate Bavarian (Men) Passion fruit Cheese cake ( for the more delicate female palate)
Jugs of Beer -not on the tab- but to be paid for, at the table when ordered.
The patrons they fear -being bogans ….’might just do a runner’.
The management come around, take photos at every table that can be purchased at exorbitant prices when leaving .
The establishments were always left with about 90% of them. One thinks maybe a few patrons were out with someone they should not. What bogan wants to be caught possessing an incriminating ‘night out’ photo for the spouse to find and see?
A trip down memory lane, whacky. When I lived in Melbourne it seemed mandatory to go to one of these kakk-holes for the work Christmas. In retrospect I think I’m confusing Kryal Castle with this shyte-hole out in the north-east somewhere that was a faux medieval castle, but I can’t remember the name. One time when I was queued up at one of these pig-troughs, the very old-school bogan in front of me said to the carvery dude behind the bain-marie: “can I get a Big Mac, mate”, much to the approval of his mates. Said carvery dude didn’t batt an eyelid. “Certainly sir… I’ll just arrange that for you now; can I have your credit card please”. Bogue shrunk about a foot in hight and shuffled off.
You guys are really hitting your straps lately, bravo. Yet another absolute ripper of a post.
LOL. I’m sure it’s my renewed interest in the site that’s propelled the lads to greater things.
i wonder if the cast will be wearing high-waisted budgie smugglers like heston and friend are in the picture.
LOL. It’s Kirk Douglas, not Charlton Heston.
my mistake. i was going by the mention of heston and just assumed it was him.
those high-waisted budgie smugglers/nappies are still very eye-catching, no matter who’s wearing them, though.
People are actually going to that thing? Who!? Who is going to that thing!
Who!? Who does not want to wear the ribbon!?
If only we could lynch them.
I just looked at the official website. The horror. The horror.
There is even a countdown clock until show time! And a Masterchef chef making sweets for select audience members. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Somebody, please drop a farkin bomb on the lot of them. Pleeeeeeease.
On Russell Crowe:
“The best voice in the English language since Richard Burton.
That’s the assessment of Russell Crowe by 2GB broadcaster and Ben Hur ambassador Alan Jones.”
Did I…did I just read that?
As an avid fan of Jeff Wayne’s War Of The Worlds (which can also be viewed live on stage, and will allow me to get in touch with my inner-bogan when it next visits Australia), I just threw up in my mouth a little.
I pay more regard to the nondescript stuff I dig out from my toenails than I do to anything Alan Jones says.
Hehehee… Two Sheds… i like yer name. I was thinking of building a second shed.
Ben Hur ambassador? Hmmm, hanging out with a bunch of buff, leather clad young men. Hard day at the office for Mr Jones.
Russell is pretty tough. His voice is so cool and tough sounding.
I rate Stephen Fry as “the best voice in the English Language” when my sister was little mum and dad bought her one of the Harry Potter books as an audio book read by him. It was an amazing trip to Byron Bay.
I think mum and dad’s line of thinking was 10hours in the car, might as well put something on that keeps the peace.
Orson Welles. Even if only Advertising peas.
I’ll see your Orson Welles and raise you one Ringo Star in Thomas The Tank Engine.
I’ll raise you one David Bowie speaking during “Do They Know its Christmas?”
Where’s the love for Rik Mayall?
Going back in time thanks to ancient relos.
James Mason.
Dirk Bogarde now and then too.
Really any trained Brit actor.
Kenneth Williams? Would be better than Russel Crowe in tonight’s show, except he dead.
LOL. Oh my Lord, I LOVE Kenneth Williams. And Charles Hawtrey. :-)
We all do! I have a book of Kenneth Williams letters – he kept copies of everything – it is one of my favourite books. In one letter,as he writes to a friend from Marakesh, he is expresses his shock to hear that teh public perceive him as camp!
I prefer the decidedly campy Quentin C in tonight’s show.
or Mel Brooks:
This one is for you Fi:
LOL. We all have that, of course. As well as his diaries. Poor, dear Kenneth. His mother was given first class penicillin, however, so she mustn’t grumble.
I know that isn’t Mel Brooks…
I know it’s cliche but no one compares to Attenborough. He’d also be a good choice for narrating the bogans’ behaviour at this show…
I say John Cleese.
Or Brian Blessed. b3ta worship him as a god.
Thats not Heston, thats Kirk Douglas
Do audience members need to turn up in belted nappies to get into the spirit of the thing?
Oops p’bee somewhat duplicating your query here.
that’s alright – your suggestion’s better than mine. rather than just have the performers in costume, get the crowd in on it. stroke of genius, that.
The stroke of genius wold be sell the giant belted nappies at the event and convince the bogues to team with the theme! Have Russell Crowe wearing one up front and they’ll all be in them.
They could be sold illegally out the front of the show , like dodgy band shirts. P’Bee, how many thousand nappie pants can you make between now and tonight? Shirley, how many of us can crash at your place for the night? Somebody, anybody, book me a ticket to Brisbane. Who else is helping flog this poorly made crapola to bogans. Sign up!!
There also seems to be a one arm harness attachment much like a fake tattoo sleeve. p’bee how are your arm guard sewing skills?
chainmail half sleeves? never made one before. you could fashion something out of foil, with a bit of thick elastic to hold it on.
You could all crash at my place, but isn’t this event being held in Sydney?
details, details details, do you know anyone in Sydney with a room?
I’ll make a couple of calls and meet you at the airport.
I’ll have big hair.
I’ll be drunk.
unfortunately i’m busy this afternoon and evening so won’t be able to make thousands of nappy pants in the next few hours. but there’s sure to be a dvd release in the future, so e could make some for that – they can be sold as the special edition dvd pack for and extra $49.95.
P’bee good thinking, even if you are being lazy today. They could be like the Nipple Tassles that were sold with the Showgirls Special edition a few years ago (which i didn’t buy – my only regret, ever)
That’s OK p’bee we know it takes time to get ready for the maxxtravaganza that is going to be Ben Hur.
Just let us know how it all went and if Messala and Ben are still hot and somuldering spear throwers.
Yeah P’bee, what are wearing to the big night? A ye olde slave girl toga? Are you having dinner before you go, or are hoping for some masterchef food?
i was thinking along the lines of the roman centurion outfit, leather skirt and all, but making it more brynne edelsten-like.
Sluturian, the new, ye olde look. Plunging necklines, gaping slits, big jugs and a tangerine glow.. Nice.
exactly. and now i must go and prepare my sluturian look. i need to glue on some huge diamontes and that takes time.
LOL. Slutuwion. Thwow him woughly to the gwound!
..this brightened the outlook for the rest of the day, I’ll be using that one thanks.
This is starting to sound a little too bogue-goes-mardi gras for me.
I thought too of the Ed Hardy nappy but perhaps that is getting cliched.
leather etched nappies with skulls, that are similar but not breaking any copyright laws might sell though…..
LOL. Perhaps. Perhaps not. The main issue would be not knowing if it was soiled or not.
These types shit glitter out of their sphincters, did we not know that?
The Ed Hardy nappies would just become even more bejewelled, ay!
Incontinent pants, more like it. It i about ancients and their history.
Sure, it’s Ben Hur portrayed in an arena spectacular, but it’s no El Caballo Blanco…
Ah yes, El Caballo Blanco, out in the Perth Hills with their dancing horses and mock-Spanish Mission architecture…who can forget?
Almost as lame as Dizzy Lamb Fun Park in the northern outskirts of the city…the less said the better.
I pestered my parents for the longest time to take me to El Caballo Blanco and it eventually paid off. It was awesome!
The ghosts of underpaid workers & overworked horses at the Narellan (NSW) El Caballo Blanco are just about to dissapear with everyFcknthing else in the area under another bogan filled Mcmansion suburb.
Just like Andre Rieu, Swan-C**nting-Lake-on-ice and the Pygmy Wushu Masters of Outer Uzbekistan presented by Michael Coppel… bogans of all shape and hue will always confuse bread and circuses with culcha. As PT Barnum said, “there’s a sucker born every minute.”
Reporting live from Margaret River WA. This is astounding news and I am on the wrong side of the world to get involved. I am going wine tasting in nappies to just feel a part of it all.
Oh and non-bogan of the week goes to the Mandurah bypass, farking brilliant dodgeing that sh$t hole of boganity.
Fruit of the vine, yum.
Hello SGaA, welcome to Wait Awhile: I too this morning have returned to Dullsville, the City That Always Sleeps Unless A Hole In The Ground Is To be Plundered, in a timely manner to dodge both Sydney’s insane traffic and the even more insane Circus Maximus Stupidus spactacular to be held there (notwithstanding those two aspects, I did enjoy my time in the city that isn’t the nation’s capital, though I wouldn’t put it past numerous bogans not to know that that honour goes to Canberra, also of which I too visited and appreciated. But I digress).
Yes, I fully agree with your learned observation that Mandurah is WA’s epicentre of condensed boganity of all stripes: OSBs who live there as it’s cheap on the edges and older parts, the NSBs who live in new apartments in the town centre and the CUBs, who wish that the man-made waterways the live beside in their Tuscanstrosity McMansions rhymed with #124, not content with it merely being an eye-rhyme. Long gone are the days when it was a sleepy fishing village full of fibro shacks and modest tinnies skimming the Peel Estuary for crabs…childhood memories, ca. 1984.
The Kwinana Freeway extension combined with the Forrest Highway has been nicknamed the Bumpkobahn by my pals at The Worst Of Perth, for as much one escapes Crabtown, that one-and-same road does not bypass Bunbury. Now that town is a blight on the otherwise fascinating and picturesque Southwest. And full of bumpkin bogans to boot too.
While you’re on the Western seaboard Simon, try another wine district far closer to Perth—the Swan Valley. Living in the shadows of the upstart Margaret River region (that area only started plantings in the late 1960s!) it has been criminally underrated and is well less than 20 km from the CBD, with many fine wineries to visit (try Talijancich’s Verdelho, a magnificent drop), not mention the microbreweries, artisanal foods (Edgecombe Bros. has amazing preserves) and crafts that flourish for a smallish but dedicated and delighted audience. Only once a year do the bogans descend upon the valley, and that was a fortnight ago while I was out of town, so do as that rabid St Kilda supporter with a tendency to say “umm” a lot tells one to do when it’s something special.
Plus you’ll be avoiding having to deal with those poncybotts from our Western Suburbs (the opposite of Melbourne or Sydney westies) who have colonised Margaret River and driven all the stoned Kombi-driving hippies and surfies of yore out, replacing them with their pretentious money-grubbing wanker types in their luxury brand SUVs…reckon you could glass one of those arsehats for me?
Oh, and have a great time here :)
What about Rock concerts at vineyards? This YOU HAVE TO SEE ! When yobbo bogans decide to be big and try drinking wine instead of amber piss…and in the same quantities!!
Also will they re enact the bath scene from Spartacus and get an R rating?
Plus, it’s narrated by Our Russell.
We have our own little slice of bogan heaven here in SEQ and I’m not talking about the Hyperdome or Harbour Town, I’m talking about;
THE OUTBACK SPECTACULAR
‘What a fucking waste of time that was’.
‘Yeah but they just changed the show to the Lighthorse thingymajig’
”Fuck it, here’s another $100 then!’
Do they admit you …without RM Williams boots on?
delicious.
Such a magnificent turn of phrase. We art green with envy.
or should that be verte?
chubbybloodfart live from port hedland.
we eschewed mick’s advice, partly through need for provisions and partly to see mick’s old Donga. we heard there was a shrine…
the bogan status of broome was confirmed by the trail of empty Corona bottles heading south. not XXXX, not VB, not even EB or Export. Corona. not kidding. doubtless each had a dried out wee wedge of lemon in the neck. we didn’t stop to check.
Apon approaching Hedland we at first thought it had been nuked. drawing nearer the mushroom cloud resolved into a dirty smudge of uneconomic material leeching into the atmosphere from out newman way.
on reflection it’s a beautiful thing: iron ore being smelted into pig iron to be shipped out to china to be made into steel to be shipped to the USA to be made into harley davidsonsons and chevvy ls5 engines to be finally shipped back to Australia and sold to bogues.
the circle of life.
The town where rust never sleeps…
evidence of hedland’s bogue quotient:
they sell 42″ wide screen LCDs in woolies.
never seen that before.
research continues.
I know this is sort of advance publicity for the book but I am slightly over bits of TBL regurgitated as an “article”. Show some originality, writers!
http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/blogs/pep-talk/bogans-you-aint-seen-nuthin-yet/20101022-16w92.html
Oh dear. Get over yourself. You did not invent bogans or the act of observing and commenting on them.
If you notice that a lot of other people notice the same stuff about bogans as you then… that’s coz bogans are comically easy to define and satire. Hence… your thread.
My problem with the SMH article is how shittily it’s written compared to stuff here. And this bitch has a writing job? With the SMH?
Fret not, we’re quite happy in our own lines of work. 90% of journos in Australia have pretty shitty (“quantity not quality”) gigs, and we don’t envy them. You’d be depressed if you knew what percentage of news content is just dressed up press releases from external sources. TBL
“My problem with the SMH article is how shittily it’s written compared to stuff here. And this bitch has a writing job? With the SMH”
My dear emelda my problem is with the quality of the SMH blog post -but I probably expressed myself a tad more elegantly, shall we say?
TBL,
Is there a bigger percentage than 100?
It’s no longer “news”, it’s “newsfotainment”
…LOL
But… it sounds awesome. I’m gonna go and I heard about it from you so thanks lol
Pffft next thing you know they will have “Gladiator Classes” for the wannabe bogan (with complimentary tattoo).
Oh, too late http://www.viator.com/tours/Rome/Roman-Gladiator-School-Learn-How-to-Become-a-Gladiator/d511-2466GLAD
I’ll put money on it that we’re only 6 months away from some personal trainer douche naming a gym ‘The Ludis’ to attract gladiator bogan wannabe clientele.
What other historical injustices could be eligible for the stadium sized bogan treatment.
THE BOB JANE EASTERNATS DISAPOINTMENT RIOT
CRONULLA BEACH, IN THE ROUND
NISSAN WINNING BATHURST 1992
this sounds like a fun game!
the paxtons – the musical
the melbourne storm salary cap scandal
“Schappelle on Ice: She’ll glass the caarnts!”
“Schappelle Ice-escapades”
http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/theatre/devoid-of-horsepower-epics-biggest-race-is-for-the-exits-20101024-16ze6.html
Judging by the comments the bogues will soon be on TT/ACA whingeing about getting ripped off and the French accents.
EMELDA: i think you are missing the point. The modern bogan is not as easy to define as the bogan of yesteryear, and that’s part of fun, especially since the bogan of today is not as self aware as the bogan of the past. If you were writng about a bogan 20 years ago, the list wouldn’t even be half this length, and besides, while commenting on them is easy, communicating with this level of detail, however, is not.
I hope that you guys realise that although writing about ben-hur you have included a film still from the film spartacus. That said, anything that garners an interest in history is fine by me.
We are aware. You are aware. The bogan is most likely not aware. TBL
The problem with bogans who watch historical films is that they are often convinced that these films are correct in every detail, and they are willing to back up this bizarre and mistaken conviction with violent enthusiasm. A couple of years ago I almost got into a barfight with some bogans who took offence to some comments I made about the film 300. This is the story:
I was at the pub with some co-workers and friends for an afterwork drink. We started talking about 300, which had just come out and which we had all seen. When one of the guys found out I was a Classics major, he started asking me a lot of questions about the accuracy of the film.
‘No,’ I explained, ‘the Persian Immortals were not demonic ninjas. The Persians didn’t have minotaurs, and Xerxes was not a ten-foot-tall bondage freak, Spartans actually used formation tactics, etc.’
Midway through the conversation, some bogans came up behind me and said
‘you’re talking shit.’
It was pretty obvious they were out to start a fight, but since we had them massively outnumbered and knew the staff at the bar, we weren’t particularly worried. We decided to find out exactly what I had said that they disagreed with.
I asked them what they didn’t agree with, and they just kept repeating
‘what you said about Sparta…it was bullshit.’
Eventually one of them said something similar to this:
‘I like that movie…and you come along and say all this shit, because you think you’re some kind of genius because you have a degree…but what you said about Sparta is shit. Some of my ancestors were from Sparta…I liked that movie, and what you said about Sparta is shit.’
I told them I liked the movie as well, and they seemed confused. They seemed to think that questioning the truthfulness of a fucking fantasy film amounted to some kind of attack, on them and on a movie which they had constructed some weird intimacy with and decided to view as a genuine historical document. They didn’t appreciate some smartarse university-type questioning the only source of historical knowledge in their lives.
Unfortunately our hilarious conversation was cut short as they were ejected from the bar by a huge Maori bouncer who nodded politely to us.
We nodded back as we sipped our pints, and shrugged our shoulders at our close encounter with the bogan.
Don’t get me started on bogans who watch the History Channel…
those bogans clearly didn’t know the movie was based on a graphic novel.