The bogan wants a rockin’ body. It wants to trim down the fat, tone up, and in the case of the male, get ripped, vascular and generally huge. It wants to finally get the respect it deserves. It wants to be noticed by the opposite sex. To be more confident. More successful. More energetic. But getting a sweet rig is hard. A true Aussie battler, the bogan works roughly eight hours per day, five days per week and therefore simply does not have time in its 128 remaining weekly hours to get to the gym. Going for a run is also out of the question, as this would require venturing outdoors beyond the minimum distance required to get from building to vehicle, or vice versa.
If only there were some kind of quick, easy way for the bogan to achieve the body it has always dreamed of without leaving the comfort of its own home, or missing Australia’s Got Talent. Watching Kerri-Anne during a hangover-induced sickie one morning, it discovers the shortcut it has been searching for. The Ab Krusher, as demonstrated by a pair of orange skinned, all-American models. The quarterback and the cheerleader. The male ripped, jacked, vascular. The female lean, toned, svelte. Both sporting hazardous amounts of silicone and teeth whitener. All that is required of the bogan in order to attain an equivalent level of synthetic perfection is six easy payments of $69.95.
Upon arrival of its shiny new Ab Demolisher, the bogan parks itself in front of the plasma, ready to start shedding kilos. Three minutes in, it knows something is wrong. It is not beaming a radioactive smile. Its pecs are not glistening. No muscle tone has yet become visible. This is nothing like the infomercial. Following a few subsequent sporadic attempts, the Ab Slayer is deposited in the garage, never to be seen again, with the bogan claiming the apparatus caused it to do its back in.
At the turn of the new year, the bogan once again resolves to get fit, this time purchasing the Ab King ProMax. The inevitable cycle repeats like clockwork with the passing of each year, as the bogan chews through the Ab Cruncher, Ab Rocker, Ab Roller, Ab Revolutioniser, Ab Terminator, and Ab Abu Ghraib. Finally, the bogan concludes that its inability to achieve physical fitness is related to a glandular condition, allergies and/or ADHD.
Comments RSS
Trackback
My aunties house is like a museum of fitness equipment. Last time I was there she was using the treadmill to hang her ironing on. I must admit that I bought a cross trainer a few years ago, which now serves the purpose of jungle jim for my bambino.
It’s funny how the “Home Gym ” room didn’t take off like the “Home Theatre” room in the McMansion designs. Not surprising though. I guess all this crap ends up in the garage with the bread makers, pop corn makers, George Forman Grills, soft drink makers, donut makers, hot dog warmers and all the other crap thatthe consumerist bogue can’t help but purchase.
Don’t knock the Soda Stream
Or the George Foreman!! Save your wrath for truly terrible things like the *shudder* snuggie.
You forgot the ultimate bogan accessory, the coffee maker. Why is that all of sudden bogans are now experts in coffee and boutique beer?
“The home brew kit was just too time consuming…”
Couldn’t agree more. Your sophistamacated Bogan digs Gloria Jeans.
I’m guilty of owning an espresso machine! I think the true bogan coffee machine is the $2500 fully automatic machine though. The one that you walk in and press a button for a mid strength latte, no understanding of coffee or effort required.
Guilty of owning an espresso machine? How can you be guilty of that!
The only guilt you should have about an espresso machine is if you purchase one with “intent to bogue”, or if you bought it interest free from Harvey.
If however like me you enjoy really great coffee without having to queue and/or pay through the nose, and like you indicated, haven’t bought one of those wanky self contained do-it-all-automatic machines – or worse – one of those capsule “Nespresso” things that make overcooked insipid thin coffee while generating loads of difficult to recycle waste, then how can that possibly be classed as bogan?
I still use a stove top 🙂 . When I was living at home dad bought a small comercial espresso machine 😛 . That this is mad, pitty being italian it sufferes from having ‘quality italian electronics’, those of you who have owned an alfa romeo know what I mean.
Did it rust too?
if its like an alfa it would be pre-rusted to save time
No “intent to bogue” here, and i paid cash up front! And it isn’t automatic. And I can use it. I think i’m in the clear.
Couldn’t agree more with you regarding the Nespresso machines – we have one at work – better than Pablo, but still below average is how I describe it to newcomers.
@ Benji
I have a coffee machine too. I too am particular about my coffee and probably a little over passionate. 😉
I did pay for it with my mastercard but it was in the black and I bought it online.
I also make a mean coffee, years of working in cafe’s helped with that! 😉
I’m am saddened to know that bogan’s have moved on from International Roast…
Which coffee do you use Benji? I use Bun Coffee…Organic and fair trade…
**Runs too coffee machine**
@pinky were those your coments in the media watch comments section recently??
yes…why? What have I done now?
nothing just curious
Are we talking the blog or teev CM? Cause if you mean teev no, that wasn’t me. Blog, yes.
blog pinky..regarding that belly shot(sounbite) that ch9 did on the victim of a driveby..i whloe heartdly agree with your opion that,s all
@ CM, thank you dude. Muchly appreciated.
Green. Amazingly my local home brew shop (bless them) stock green coffee beans. My current favourite is a Kenyan AA. I really like my African coffees (Asian, not so much). A workmate and fellow roaster once brought me in a brilliant Yemeni coffee, which brought a tear of joy to my eye.
I roast them with a hot air gun/paint stripper (seriously). It works very nicely, and the freshness really does make a lot of difference. Coffee peaks between 4 to 12 hours after roasting, and this is detectable in the taste.
You can roast it exactly how you like it. Highly recommended.
As the home brew shop has a fairly limited range (< 10 varieties) my next stop will be these folks here:
http://store.ministrygrounds.net.au/
The wife and I also go through quite a lot of coffee, and buying green is much cheaper to boot.
Benji,
Do you happen to keep a Civet cat as a pet?
Um no. Not a cat person.
Woopsy. Sorry – didn’t immediately get the reference.
I’ve no inclination to go drinking coffee that once spend time basting in poop.
Benji,
excellent use of “whoopsy” ! giggle giggle snigger
Oh droppings, it must have been my subconscious. Not sure I can really claim credit for that pile of cat dung.
@ Benji
I wish I had the time. I’m enjoying Republica Timor blend at the moment, I only buy organic/fair trade and Mr Pinky has received more than a whinge from me when he has deviated from the laws of the Pinky household coffee. 😉
We usually order large quantities of Bun Coffee, which is a particular favourite of ours. We never order enough and eventually go back to Republica.
I’m a coffee fascist. I admit that. Is that bogan or hipster douche-bag?
http://www.buncoffee.com.au
“I wish I had the time.”
Ahh but you do. It requires of me about 12-15 minutes every two days, and it is a pleasure all of its own. The smell and the smoke, and the feeling of doing something really worthy of time invested, modest as it is.
Alas as Bun Coffee doesn’t do green, they won’t get any business from me. I really can’t go back to preroasted coffee. Yes, it really does make that much difference, and I’m ruined for anything else.
Actually, perhaps that’s a warning. Fleee!
Send me some of yours benji, okay I probably have time, but…umm…I’m going to get it for saying this…I’d rather have it done for me…**Ducks head**
I have long suspected the bogue’s maxtreme consumerism is generating these awful self storage places that seem to be springing up everywhere. Buy up big in a televisual daze, don’t use the stuff, then pay to lock it up in a hideous concrete blot on the landscape.
that’s why they all ‘fold up for easy storage’.
Viv,
You suprised me with the “hot dog warmer”
I have one of those.. It is a caramel and white 2 1/2 year old Beagle that gets between the sheets on these cold nights. Very good it is too.” Bit of a bitch “that as she is desexed.!!
LOL. I have home fitness equipment.
Of course, my fitness equipment is housed in a gym at the back of the ancestral estate, so perhaps it’s not quite the same thing.
It is the same thing.
LOL. No it’s not. I have all commercial quality equipment in a separate house and I actually use it. A girl’s got to look her best after all.
In other words, you like your home fitness equipment…
Of course, the attraction of the “commercial quality” equipment was that it was heavily branded.
Notwithstanding that those brands are, inter alia, makita, victa and stihl.
LOL. No, I like the fitness equipment I have in my home. Or rather, home on the estate that’s become a gym.
Times must be tough in Toorak if you have to turn part of your home into a gym to survive. Have the bogues from whom you are leasing the basement also started renting out their extra garage space?
You can call it an estate, or whatever else you like Fiona. The fact of the matter is you have gym equipment in your home, and you like it.
and probably listens to david guetta while working out
heya
I don’t understand why it is bad to like home gym equipment. I live in Germany, and in winter it snows a lot so I run on my treadmill inside.
MONI
I keep my wife at home for exercise .
Does that count or does it matter ?
Fiona, I’m sure you get plenty of great outdoors exercise from the leaf blower and that nifty mechanical extension arm that allows you to pick up trash from the side of the street without bending over and “doing your back in”.
However, unfortunately it’s not counted as “fitness equipment” if the council requires you to wear a flourescent vest while operating said equipment. So you’re right, it’s not quite the same thing. Close though.
what happened to the personal trainers?
LOL. Nothing. Why do you ask? Angling for a job?
“shed” (noun) It’s how the owners refer to the servants quarters in which you live. See also: Garage, car hole.
?would the salary equal what i get on the biggest loser to show my army might?
LOL. You would be amply compensated for your time / effort / expertise. In your case, I suspect that would amount to one eighth of a pittance.
i work with the biggest loser an cound’t work for one instead LOL.
LOL. OK, this one’s completely indecipherable.
I believe the translation is:
Dear Fiona
I write to express my appreciation for your generous and thoughtful offer of employment.
Regretfully, however, I must decline, as I am already engaged in full-time endeavours alongside a colleague who, I fear, is something of a societal deadweight.
I find this vexing, and suspect I would experience similar frustrations in your employ, if circumstances permitted. Which they don’t.
Yours, etc
Common Man
xxxxx
LOL. Ah. Wonderfully expressed Tomba. I do appreciate the effort at wordsmithery you went to.
Are you the Commando CM?
LOL. More likely, “The Commanded”.
bravo TOMBRINA lol!!!! soz fi i was being a conformist by following lets pick on fi day today if you hadn’t noticed
LOL. It’s pick on me day? Where?
fitness equip,..(.)(.)..enhanced,shed/gym.. please..
If by “pick on” you mean “point out the banalities and inconsistencies with Fiona’s pedestrian and predictable internet caricature of what a bogan imagines a sophisticate to be like” then unfortunately, there is no such thing as “pick on Fiona day” – because that day is every day.
simon is lucid today..missed by many
LOL. Simon is lucid every day. You should try it.
*cough,cough* commando
LOL. If you really ARE The Commando, can I offer you a suggestion. NEVER take your glasses off.
but do i still get to scream at you in a dominatory position?
LOL. No. No you don’t. That would just upset the natural order of the world.
CM, Do you GO commando?
Pinky,
I think CM has tried the Allbran Challenge
lol!!!no..only in defense
I like to think I am succinct, but lucid is good too. Thanks CM and Fi.
LOL. You can be both, they’re not mutually exclusive – and you are both, dear Simon.
*grins self-satisfiedly* whilst inventing a new word.
LOL. That works, because it contains “Fi”. 🙂
Simon,
The invention of new words is surly left to experts …like CM.
??
Perhaps James perhaps, I did get a tick though and you are no slouch with new words and uses.
@simon no woz were like the libra scales..substance vs reality
Sorry Dude, you lost me there.
LOL. Just THERE?
golly gosh plebs one ip adress two avatar,s REALLY…
What is an ip address, not very computer savy me.
Don’t worry Simon – I know what an IP address is, but do not understand what CM is trying to say (and I mark undergraduate essays, and am used to deciphering the indecipherable).
Can you help, Tomba?
Fi,
CM thinks “personal trainers” are “his own pair of dumlop K9’s “
dumlop…that was fresh lol!!!no ..but we(fi and i) both derive from (shoddi)ngton or is that shonington shire council
Fiona, you can just say your treadmill is in the shed out the back.
LOL. “Shed”? What’s that????
You have to keep in shape to perform your nightly duties Fiona.
Come now, martin – when have you ever seen council workers “working” back later than 4 in the afternoon? Night roadworks are the exception that proves the rule.
LOL. Not really, I don’t tend to do too much of an evening. That’s the time I spend with a piece of Classic literature in hand, a roaring fire and the staff on tenterhooks, lest I require something else.
I didn’t realise that nanny positions also included reading to the children. Dear lord, council worker by day and nanny by night. I hope that working two jobs is an acceptable price to pay to be able to afford to live in some Toorak bogan’s basement.
Fiona, I bet you have never worked up a sweat in your life & you have tuckshop lady arms.
LOL. Ew, as if!
Dear Fiona of Toorak,
Just a quick note to alert you to the fact that someone is impersonating you on the TBL Facebook page. The aforementioned impersonator has a shockingly poor grasp of the correct use of an apostrophe.
Kind regards,
Ennie
LOL. Really? I don’t have a facebook page, so I can’t really go and see their um, “handywork”.
It’s either JH or CM…BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
PS. Fi, as if you don’t have FB… 😉
Pinky,
How could you……….!!! ….??.
Put me and CM in the same sentence.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! !
Besides , on a more serious note, anything I have to say to any one is up front. no sneeking of and placing in your end oh s .
Sorry JH, but you do love your incorrect comers. Forgive me? I have post something nice about her, all those people slagging her off like that! Not nice. 😉
@JH
I owe you an apology, it was apostrophies not comers that was given as the clue…I don apologise.
Yours
Pinkelstien
*do
FFS
Pinkelstein,
God i love that !
No real need to apologise. I was realy ,in my own way, joining in the laugh.
But ifn you talking about the Fi slaggers then yes they are a sorry lot. Most of them , if they had half a brain they would be lonely. Or ifn their brains be dynamite they couldn’t blow their own brains out..Or only way they blow their own brains out be by playing russian roulette with one bullet in a pistol.
enough , enough,
I know.
You know the only way they can feel popular is by slagging people who are popular. Sort of attaching themselves to the coat tails of an ignorant rabble.
you take care now
@ JH
I’m work shopping new handles Pinky has a brain is good, but Pinkelstein came to me and I like it. But I wonder if my fellow TBLers will like it.
I know Fi will make fun of me…As always. 😛
LOL. In the interests of honesty, I’d go for Pinkelstein. It’s less inaccurate than “P!nky Has A Bra!n”.
LOL. I do not. How common.
PS – please feel free to assure the FB followers of TBL that they are dealing with a (very poor) imitation of the real thing.
Fi, I have stood up too the Haters on your behalf. We do kinda like you around here…Except when your mean to me. 😉
LOL. I’m not mean to you, I’m … direct. It’s good for you – character building and educational. God knows you need both.
Wukka Wukka Fi, How droll, you’ve used that one on me before. I’m going to take back all the nice things I’ve said about you on FB. Grr
You’re not direct, you’re a bitch, and I’m cool with that.
I’m still waiting for The Ball Tearer to come onto the market. After all, it’s portable (slips easily into a small semi-trailer) and can be used in three easy ways (Standing, Sitting, and Bending Over Clutching Groin And Screaming positions).
Rrrrrip!!! AAAAAARRRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!
“Going for a run is also out of the question, as this would require venturing outdoors beyond the minimum distance required to get from building to vehicle, or vice versa.” HA HA – Gold.
I’ve never been able to fathom why the bogue feels it necessary to drive 2 blocks to the shop, spend 10 mins cursing, trying to find a park, then return with a loaf of bread, still cursing about trying to find a park
Because to the bogan, the car is as integral a part of its identity as its hairstyle, its clothing or its jewellery. Asking a bogan to go somewhere without its car? You may as well instruct the bogan to go down to Fountain Gate / Castle Towers / Tea Tree Plaza naked.
Oh, and walking / cycling / public transport is just for dole bludgers and pooftas and academics in their ivory towers ‘n stuff. And that simply wouldn’t do for the new age bogan.
When they look for parks in shopping malls they take ages to try and get one as close to the shops as possible, even if it means holding everyone up, so they don’t have to walk an extra 100 metres.
I just try and zip round the back where I know it’s fairly empty so I can get it over with and not spend a year inching along in the car park. But I’m usually held up by lazy self entitled idiots who simply must try and nab a space amongst the already full parts. I think they see it as a status symbol.
Martin, my Beloved is one of “them” parkers – he regards parking as a competitive pursuit and refuses to settle for the easy option.
It’s generally agreed in our household that if my Beloved was a superhero, he’d be Parkingman – it’s his special skill.
It $hts me no end.
Sorry: *…one of ‘them’ – he…”
I’m one of them as well. In my case, however, it has nothing to do with laziness or competition – I’m just very prone to losing my car. The closer it is to the entrance, the quicker I will be able to make my ultimate escape. My partner loves my ‘Castanza’ parking skills.
Shirl, I can see how it could matter at a major shopping centre – a *shudder* Westfield, for eg, or the Powerhouse markets – but not at the local pool shop, or bottleo, or deli, or butcher.
This morning, he drove right around the block so he could loop back and get the ‘best’ park DIRECTLY outside our neighbourhood coffee shop. I wanted to stab him in the head with a biro.
Tombarina,
did he want that spot so it was convenient for coffee?
or so he could check out the lovely young titters going in and out ?
or hoping for a brief illicit word with the staff member of his choice?
JH, none of the above. It’s all about the principle.
It’s the ‘best’ park, he’s Parkingman – it’s just how he rolls.
Yeah. That’s a problem, and I understand your violent urges towards your beloved. I would list some things that make me want to stab my paramour so we could bond, but I would be still making my list at midnight tonight.
And that’s why it works, no?
No.
Can’t speak for Shirl, but in my case, it ‘works’ because, thus far, I’ve been able to resist the temptation to bury aforementioned biro in his skull. Oh, and I’m quite fond of him….
I loose my car too Shirley. I park in the same area or else, the kids and I could be looking for a long time…;)
**lose **hangs head in shame**
Home Gym equipment also known as Hard Rubbish Collection fodder – why buy it when every six months an assortment of pre-loved(?) devices are on display throughout your neighbourhood.
Recycle would be sensible – oops, sorry, I see where I went wrong right there!
Peter Costello woud never have approved that, as it does nothing to “grow the economy”, to churn dollars. Gotta spend up, good for the economy, y’know!
Hehehe this entry made me laugh! I know many people whose garages have become museums, housing dusty, cob web ridden pieces of exercise equipment. Curiously, these people are always the first to suggest ‘you should buy an exercise bike so you can work out in front of the TV’….seemingly ignoring their own failed attempts to do the same thing! Now though, the suggestion more often than not, involves the Wii Fit!
I am sorry, I am too lazy to look at the list at the moment, but has an entry been done on ‘doing a round of ‘roids’….I dated a bogan at university many, many years ago (needless to say we did not last long) and this was his solution to just about every form of sporting ailment. Again, looking for the quick fix.
Ah, yes, the “battler” bogue; blessed by anti-intellectualism by never having a job where they would have work to do late into the night or a weekend, yet who has the gall to complain about people taking their ‘hard-earned taxpayer dollars’.
I’ve seen these things become useful clothes racks in the spare room.
I’ve seen machines that just made me think they are back problems in the waiting – and future compo claims
Guilty. When I was a kid I bought this plastic contraption with curve bits to fit around your legs and a plunger thingy that you stuck into your chest, you were meant to push down on it, an alternative to situps. But because it was made out of plastic it didnt work smoothly so it didn’t work at all really. I also have a dumbell and a barbell that I use maybe 5 times a year.
TBL, you have credited the bogan with far greater persistence than it possesses – a total of eight equally ludicrous Abs-Come-Hither contraptions – when we know the bogan will crack the $hts after one half-ar$ed attempt (see: Buying a snowboard).
The male CUB is far more likely to employ the services of some roided-up personal trainer, proud possessor of a Cert 007 in Stretching & Yelling from Gildigulgul TAFE. This won’t work out, either, but the bogan then has someone to blame.
The femmebogue, by contrast, will shell out $1680 upfront on a Fernwood annual membership, which she will attend a maximum of 11 times, equating to a very reasonable $152.72 per session. She will also join a ‘hot yoga’ studio and sign up for pole-dancing.
One area in which the bogan excels is understanding the need to dress for the job. Ergo, it will drop $500 on coordinated lycra and ‘smart’ fabric clothing, plus another $250 on new Nikes before attempting any of the above.
All up, this merry jape will cost a bogan couple around $6000 per year, with nary an ab to show for it between them.
They will then complain about the rising cost of living, and how they’re ‘doing it tough’ because of all the tax they pays supporting dole bludgers, abos, single mothers and towel-headed queue-jumpers.
…tax they *pay*…
Until eventually, the femme bogue decides that what she really needs is larger tits. She will then go to a shonky plastic surgeon on the Gold Coast and demand that they “make them look fake”
“I’ve got the fake boobs, the fake hair, the fake nails and the fake tan, but I’m still a real girl on the inside.”
hahahahahahahahahaha!
LOL. It’s SO ironic that I can easily afford to have all these procedures, but I don’t actually need any – I’m just naturally gorgeous.
You’ve previously confessed to a boob job, Fiona. Do you mean you’re naturally gorgeous since the procedure?
LOL. Puh-lease! I wouldn’t have a boob job. I had some minor surgical enhancement, merely to make me as God wishes he had.
Please elaborate!
LOL. Well, when I came of age, I left the Finishing School and went straight to see a top (oh who am I kidding, THE top) plastic surgeon in LA (of course) and took my undoubted gifts to the next level.
I see. So, you had a boob job, then.
LOL. No, a “boob job” is something you have done on the Gold Coast.
How does that conform to the definition of irony?
I don’t think that it is even incongruous or unexpected.
LOL. I was using the Alannis Morisette definition. 😐
I see – an ironic invocation of irony. Perfectly acceptable.
LOL. Like I need you to tell me!
Not all things are done for your benefit, Fiona. I understand it is hard for one of your station in life to follow such a concept.
LOL. Good point. I laud your efforts at educating the nonliterati that haunt this site.
A malapropism is an unconscious use of an innappropriate word. The incorrect use of the term “irony” here (notwithstanding subsequent attempts to justify it by reference to bogan icon, Alanis Morrissette) is such a malapropism.
See also, entry #26.
Fi,
Please excuse a smutty remark but all girls are gorgeous on the inside
” I did it for myself” – is that because fake boobs are a form of exercise equipment in themselves ie: ‘the real girl inside’has to massage them all the time to stop them turning to stone?
They don’t call them funbags for nothing. Also, the sheer weight of some of the ones getting around qualifies them as resistance training.
I guess when you get the 1000mls they could be technically considered Medicine Balls.
Tombarina, you raise in me conflicted emotions.
One one hand, you are clearly a gifted wordsmith, and your writings makes me laugh and brings a smile to the face. On the other… The stuff you must have seen… You have my commiserations and my pity. How you stay mentally healthy (are you?) is quite beyond me.
True – the same can be said of TBL, but they seem to be more detached.
Detached… numb… TBL
Benj, I’m truly touched by your concern.
And the answer to your question is “wine”. That, and a very strong judgemental streak carefully calibrated so that it never becomes inward-facing.
Either way TBL, you’ve admirably found an outlet that not only eviscerates, but also entertains, and with the “F*cking Book Deal” may actually turn you folks a profit.
Numb or detached, thanks and congratulations all the same.
*standing ovation for the final paragraph*
@ Tubesteak
I read “*standing ovation** as *standing ovulation**
Pinky! I don’t even know what that would entail!
I don’t WANT to know Tombarina. I checked my meds, I’ve had them, so it was defiantly a brain fart. Situation: Normal 😉
“I wanted them to stand out. I just thought if I’m going to spend $10,000 I want them to be noticeable”. “I just thought” – no you didn’t.
hahhahahhahahahhahahahahah!
You know what would have made them look ‘noticeable’?
Getting three….
and one on her back.
…or all four in a row along her back. Like a vapid, blonde stegosaurus.
Handles, for the Analsorarse….
all in different colours.
and sizes
Euw! And ‘euw’ and ‘EUWWWWW’.
I now have a mental picture of something that looks like a children’s toy, only not amusing.
In my vision, the Analsorarse also wears Ug Boots and has hair extensions and big fingernails with a french manicure. Does that make it easier?
*grabs spork, stabs self through temple*
That would be a no Viv.
Well, you can’t please everyone…
Funny thing is that multiple beasts on women are not that uncommon. The milk line goes from under the armpit to the groin on each side. . Those afflicted usually have em off. After all having a 44DDD in the armpit would spoil ones chances of being a table tennis champ !
That’s the best typo ever – “multiple beasts on women are not uncommon” – not during the AFL end of season anyway..
True about the table tennis concerns, also be in the way for playing pool as well I would imagine.
i’m thinking archery would be the worst.
I once saw a piece of fitness equipment that had Chuck Norris on the box – I can’t for the life of me remember what it was called…
Ab Death Wish.
Walker – Ab rearranger.
The Rep-ab-lican.
My memory is a bit fuzzy as I generally avoid television like nuclear fallout and foreigners… but do I recall an infomercial for bendy stick that was supposedly an all-purpose fitness apparatus and cost about $85?
I seem to remember one of those creepy orange androids wobbling one with both hands that was supposed to give you maXXXtreme abs.
Isn’t it interesting that all ab machines conveniently fold flat to fit under the bed after being used for the one and only time. Under the bed…out of sight, out of mind…
Since the the bogue would have at least 4 different max-ab machines, wouldn’t they need to buy a King sized bed on interest free terms from Harvey Norman to be able to accommodate all the machines?
You’re a thinker, Nelson. I suspect you’re correct.
Imagine if HN went into the home gym bizzo.
First they flog some 36-month-interest-free bedroom furniture. Then, the AbMax 3000, the TurboDelt 5000, the MaXXXoCep 7000 and the A$$hat 9000 (all on 36mif) which subsequently take up all available under-bed space, thus necessitating the purchase of a bigger bed (also on 36mif, just like the original bed which the bogan is yet to pay for).
It’s the perfect circle of retail evil.
And the bogue would also need a 3D TV to watch so they can pretend they are exercising outside.
No chance, it would be Hardly Normal !
I have no experience with these devices so the question is do they actually work. Of course they will not work for the bogan due to lack off application. But, if I set myself to it, could I achieve rock hard abs using one of these machines?
Sadly, unless a non-bogue actually buys one of these things, we may never know…
Can we allocate you the task James? Your title can be Minister for Research.
LOL. That’s HILARIOUS! James would need a new outfit to work out in – I’m not sure his cords and sports coat with leather patches on the elbow would cut it.
This is true, Fiona, and to a large extent kills what appeal this idea once presented.
LOL. Oh good. I suspect I’m more relieved about that than even you.
Although my wife may be somewhat disappointed.
LOL. Even though I don’t know her (nor can I imagine how you found someone to marry, btw), I can assure you that she would NOT be disappointed.
I found someone to marry using my intellect, of course. That said, she is way out of my league physically, and that would be the source of her disappointment – that a woman of her looks must continue to be seen in public with a man who looks like a cross between Woody Guthrie and a professor. She constantly tells new friends to withhold judgment of me until I speak, and to not judge me by how I look.
LOL. She’s out of your league physically – OK, so she has four functioning limbs…
Terrible Fiona. I have come to expect so much better of you.
LOL. They can’t ALL be gold James! I DO have other things to do you know.
Not really. I can’t back that up.
Ho Ho!
I think Mr Pinky does the same thing with me. He’s WAY out of my league. I’m sure I’m sure I see some much more attractive girls do a double take when they see us together. But I don’t really care, sucked in I say! 😉
as head of fashion police i’m happy to take on the task of designing appropriate gym gear. i’m thinking a tweed look tracksuit with a collar rather than a hood. decorative elbow patches can also be added if so desired.
Lycra elbow patches, perhaps?
leather-look lycra, even.
leatherette ??
definite possibility.
Is leatherette a real thing?
chain mail ?
Viv, that was chain mail not chained male !!
yes it is , it’s a faux leather.
Wow. Isn’t real leather enough?
Also, JH talking about “chained male” in a thread discussing what I should wear makes me a little uncomfortable.
james, i’ve been conducting important research (google) into coming up with the right fabrics for you. leatherette is fake leather that can be made with more stretch. you can look at some here http://www.fabricuk.com/fabrics.php?fabric_type=162 and even choose your favourite colour. then there is http://www.stretch-leather.com/en/ as well. i’m still looking for tweed-look fleece or other tracksuit material.
LOL. But would you be able to afford leather James?
my comment is awaiting moderation still, but james, i have been searching for suitable stretch leathers and academic-looking tracksuit material and i’m sure i’ll find something worthy.
Thanks pb. After following the first link, I have decided on the “vomit yellow” colour leatherette. I await updates on this important research.
James,
Best you second PB to your department. He/she (sorry) looks to have invaluable research skills.
what about red and black houndstooth fleece? https://www.picotextiles.com/fabrics/checker_plaid_fleece_fabric/houndstooth_blk_red_fleece_fabric/ actually that site has so many hilariously awful varieties of fleece there’s sure to be one for everybody.
and i’m a she, simon. thanks for your compliment on my research skills.
“Research Czar” has a nice sound, I must admit.
With appropriate approvals I am sure we can go with that. To work please. I believe rock hard abs take 10 mins per day for 2 weeks so I should think you should get back to us with a nicely firm within the week and rock hard on target.
What should I wear? The ads I have just watched on YouTube seem to recommend lycra shorts and nothing else, and Fiona’s characterisation of my wardrobe is alarmingly accurate.
Just wear the leather patches. Seeing the rest jiggle about will only help motivate you to keep going.
I like the idea of the lycra shorts, does Ed Hardy supply them?
PB has banned Ed Hardy Simon…:D
please see above – i have suggestions.
something by borat…with a big y front
Czar. Heh. Reminds me of what John Oliver (Daily show) said after the Americans noted that they wished to appoint a “War Czar”:
“Well, this is a critical time in the conflict, Jon. One that calls for a strong leader. And what better title for that leader than one evoking an ineffectual, tyrannical dynasty ultimately slaughtered by Communists in a filthy basement deep in the Ural Mountains? It’s a morale booster. You may quibble. You may say, um, why not a war shah? Or a battle poobah? Um, a combat potentate?”
Perhaps Czar isn’t the best choice. “Research Poobah” – now you’re talkin’.
LOL. I’d go with “pleb”: Research Pleb it is.
Well considering that the thesis component of an M.St is coupled with coursework, I would argue that until you have a higher degree by research (only), you are not qualified to comment.
From Wikipedia regarding the Master of Studies:
“It is a lesser degree than the Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) or Engineering Doctorate (EngD), but greater than the Bachelor of Philosophy (BPhil), and is comparable to the Master of Arts and Master of Science degrees offered at American universities.”
Interesting.
Perhaps I can be of assistance in mediating this little spat?
I, too, as a qualified woolclasser, know the burden of academia.
LOL. For realz.
Fo schizzle!
Is anyone else upset that the urban dictionary is now required reading in order to be able to understand much modern banter?
Word Benj.
I hope I used that correctly.
@ Tombarina
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
@ Benji,
I’m hearing you, I’ve only just found out what IMHO/IMO means…
LOL. A higher degree in the Classics from MY place makes me qualified to comment on anything I choose.
The highest degree it is possible to attain from my university makes me qualified to reject your lesser degree and any qualification it may or may not confer.
LOL. Well, when you attain it, feel free to let me know.
Its like a US Civil War battle between us Fiona. Every time we lengthen our lines and attempt to make a flanking move, the move is checked.
Question is, who is Grant and who is Lee?
LOL. Oh James, you know you wouldn’t have it any other way.
Well, as poor Lee was defeated, I don’t want to be him. But his lineage and noble bearing make him a more worthy match in that respect.
Grant, as a failed alcoholic is a better match for you.
So, all in all, let’s go with that.
But we shall never meet at Appomattox James, never.
I was thinking along very similar lines, I must say, albeit for slightly different reasons. Grant may have been an alcoholic (at times) but ultimately he defeated Lee. Then, while Lee lost his house to a war cemetery, Grant went on to be president.
I do agree on Appomattox courthouse though, for to meet there would mean a cessation of hostilities, which I know neither of us wants.
LOL. A failed President. Who died virtually penniless.
Hmm, the choices do seem to fit better and better.
Also James, please understand that we have a responsibility to our audience…
I admit, some parts of Grant do not fit me (the failure part, for instance). Conversely, Lee’s ultimate failure to translate his intelligence and panache into victory suits you perfectly.
In any case, my first choice – Nathan Bedford Forrest – is not an option, because not only would that put us on the same side (as you say, we must think of our audience), but he also went on to found the KKK.
I can see Fi with a southern drawl clutching a mint julep so works for me.
LOL. Perhaps Jubal Early is the best fit for you James. Ruined Gettysburg for the South, by oddly enough, being late.
LOL. Well, whilst not in my direct lineage the extended clan still maintain an ancestral manse or three in the Southern parts of the US at which I am a not infrequent guest.
Again, Fiona, that would put us on the same side. As would Stonewall Jackson, my third favourite Confederate general. I was thinking of Winfield Scott Hancock or Joshua Chamberlain. Particularly the latter, in fact, as he was also a university professor.
LOL. Bowdoin College, if memory serves me correctly? Chamberlain was also a highly capable soldier, a role I can’t for the life me of see you filling.
I do believe you are correct (about the college).
In any case, I think I might go for William Tecumseh Sherman, because despite his unusual middle name, he might have burned down one or two or your southern ancestral properties on his way to the sea.
LOL. Fear not James, for as you well know, Savannah was saved, albeit for Lincoln’s Christmas present that year.
Perhaps you’d make a better Pickett, leading your men into a fatal charge of maxxxtreme proportions.
A charge that General Lee ordered…
LOL. Exactly. You taking orders from me sounds perfect.
General Pickett, you must look to your men!
General, I have no men, sir!
One of the most poignant lines of the whole war. But that is impossible, as it would place us on the same side.
I will stick with Sherman, who also gave us one of the greatest lines of the war.
“If I had my choice I would kill every [ACA and TT] reporter in the world but I am certain we would have reports from hell before breakfast.”
LOL. It is well that war is so terrible, or we should grow too fond of it James.
Speaking of, care to give us an exposition on this whole “flotilla” business? As a man with a PhD in international relations, I feel your view would be enlightening and educational.
Taking to Lee like a fish to water, I see.
On the flotilla. As far as I can see, it was a terrible decision on the part of the Israelis. Perhaps the worst way of dealing with this issue was to board that ship using commandos and shoot a bunch of people. I am very surprised that some kind of naval blockade was not at least attempted first, as the potential for escalation inherent in using overwhelming force in this case was very high (as we have seen). Israel possesses the naval capacity to deny access to Gazan waters to this flotilla, and to ignore that option and jump straight to the overt use of force seems to me rather short sighted.
Even though at this stage we are short on details I don’t see much coming from this. Perhaps censure in the UN. Maybe a scathing report of Israel’s behaviour, maybe a few angry letters. This will not change matters on the ground though, as the reality is Israel possesses a very robust defence capability, and until it is possible for the Arab states to overcome this capability, Israel will continue to exist as a nation-state in its current form. I am quite interested to see how Obama reacts over the next week or two though – his administration has taken a much harder line with Israel than his predecessors, but it would still be difficult for him to take a much harder line before the Democratic Party start to alienate important constituencies. Watching him strike that balance could be rather entertaining.
LOL. It’s the noble lineage, I just can’t help it really.
What was terrible about the decision exactly? By that I mean, what have Israel (potentially) lost and at what cost?
Nothing and at no cost it seems…
Nothing tangible, at least. In terms of face, it seems to me a bad decision, because there were other options that would have made Israel look good that were ignored. This course of action will cost them considerable international good will, and give its detractors a chance to make some noise in the UN with a much higher level of support than is usual.
When it comes to Israel’s continued existence though, as you say, they have really lost nothing, as Israel does not rely on international good will and support for its existence, but instead its highly compelling and efficient military prowess. Thucydides was right when he said (via the Athenians) that the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must.
LOL. Pray James, if it’s possible to be relatvively succinct about it, how would you resolve the troubles of the region once and for all?
Thanks for the Thucydides quote too – ‘twould seem to be most apt.
LOL. Pray James, if it’s possible to be relatively succinct about it, how would you resolve the troubles of the region once and for all?
Thanks for the Thucydides quote too – ‘twould seem to be most apt.
A state that is more powerful than Israel would need to force a resolution to the situation onto both sides. It would need to force the Arabs to give up claims to territory in Israel, and it would need to force Israel to give up its occupation of the West Bank and to only expand and develop within strictly defined borders. It would also need to provide an explicit security guarantee to both parties, similar to US double-reassurance in Northeast Asia between China and Japan.
LOL. States such as you’ve described exist – why don’t they do as you suggest?
Because it is busy providing security guarantees in Northeast Asia, as well as having a few desert adventures in Central Asia and Mesopotamia.
LOL. And China?
China can not credibly project force that far. So any such move on China’s part would be bluster.
LOL. So China are not quite there as a “superpower” just yet?
Their blue water naval development is really only just beginning. IMHO, a state can not claim superpower status until they have the capability to, much like the US, project their naval power anywhere in the world. I would say that China will take until at least 2030 to effectively develop that capacity.
LOL. Should I also assume they have less interest in ensuring peace in the region?
Certainly. China is much more focused on Southeast Asia and west Africa at the moment. While it does have growing interests in the Middle East, I think these are mainly in keeping the Persian Gulf open, rather than at the Mediterranean end.
LOL. And what are the reasons America is so interested in the region – aside from oil (if there ARE any others)?
That is a mystery to me Fiona. I am of the Mearsheimer theoretical school, and to my mind, US policy in that region seems to carry far more costs than it does benefits.
LOL. Could the cause (or a significant part of it) be domestic pressure from (powerful enough) lobby groups?
It is hard to see where else to locate that pressure. They are particularly well organised groups, and certainly know how to get their message across.
I am personally familiar with their equivalents here in Australia, and when it comes to lobbying and using their personal connections in government and business, they are second to none.
And the Pentecostals. They will not vote for anyone who is not 100 percent behind Israel for good or bad, due to religious reasons. In the US, these groups present a powerful, and rather large, voting bloc. Up to 25 percent of the electorate, according to some.
Who knows whether I am on the right thread!
James your comments have been v incisive as everyone has noted. Just one point – I doubt that the Arab states + Iran are as united as their rhetoric seems to suggest. I would go so far as to say that no matter the public postures some like the Saudis may not be all that keen on a Palestinian resolution. So the inherited status quo is a default position no one wants to change – as for the Americans – considering both the Saudis and the Israelis are their “allies” – their game plan doesn’t seem to be a simple pro Israeli one regardless of the hysteria os some of their constituents?
Yesterday, the 10:30 news on ABC close captioned Netanhayu’s speech as “their world bank clubbed”. All the meaninglessless and meaningfulness of the ME conflict seemed encapsulated in that phrase!
LOL. So, for historically religious reasons, the US finds itself having to support Israel?
Israel clearly sees itself as being “backed into a corner”, with enemies all around.
How much do you feel this to be real and how much merely perceived?
That is a tough one. On balance, I think it is largely true – Israel does have several openly hostile states on its doorstep. However, Israel’s position is not as tenuous as it likes to present. This is partly because, as SD points out, the Arab states and Iran are far from united in purpose and intent, and there are numerous checks on their behaviour, not least of which is Israel’s unconfirmed nuclear deterrent.
I would characterise the situation like this: Israel does have many openly hostile states around it, but this does not automatically translate into an existential threat. This is because, while cornered to an extent, Israel still possesses a far more power than the Arab states and Iran individually, or arguably even in coalition. Plus, Israel’s stance is largely defensive, and after the failure to achieve offensive strategic objectives in Lebanon in 2006, it can only become more so, leaving any potential coalition at a huge disadvantage given Israel’s level of technological sophistication in its military equipment. However, it is not in Israel’s interest to present itself as being secure and powerful, as this would undermine its international image as the underdog.
LOL. Hmm, very interesting James. Thank you for your insight into the matter.
LOL. Upon rereading, a further question has arisen: what is China’s interest in western Africa?
Resources. China is buying up big on oil and various ores in west African states, as well as pumping significant development aid (mostly in the form of infrastructure projects to facilitate resource extraction) into a few African states.
And no worries – its always a pleasure to discuss international political issues. I had not thought that I would find such interest on this forum.
LOL. Well, you are dealing with highly intelligent people – by which I mean me of course.
We’re always interested in developing our minds. It’s what sets us apart from the bogan horde.
“Suzerain of Research”. I like it.
I’m going to flip flop here a little.
I think we’re headed in the wrong direction with regard to your title. Remember, an alternative government needs the support of the bogans, even if they are clandestinely getting the shaft, so to speak.
So I think the biggest problem with your title is the “Research” bit, which will frighten the bogan vote. If you are to be tasked with actual acquisition of new knowledge and research, then you need a title that has nothing to do with that…
Perhaps you can be “Secretary of State for Keepin’ it real” or something similarly meaningless, which diverts attention from what you are really doing.
Maybe Minister for Rock Hard Abs?
I think the Bogans might require you to actually have rock hard abs. If you don’t, it’s probably a non starter.
James ,
I’v said elsewhere here that if you want rock hard abs look no further then the statue of david in Florence. It also prooves that exercise is armless.
Outstanding, Benj.
Only I’d avoid the term “secretary” – a male secretary might be seen as a bit gay, and anything a female secretary might have to say would be drowned out by a wittily repeated chorus of SHOWUZYATITS from the bogan hordes.
I suggest sticking with the familiar term “Minister”. It evokes warm, comforting thoughts of Hawkie, Little Johnny, and pre-toned-down Tone; of a time before towelheads and Tampa, when blackfellas knew their place and to keep their lips zipped; a time when honest Aussie blokes took two slabs apiece to the cricket then drove home; when working women were referred to by their male colleagues as “darl” and “sweetheart” and enjoyed the privilege of fetchign them coffee and having their ar$es patted.
I vote for Minister for Keepin’ It Real.
I should point out that “Secretary for Keeping it real” was stolen from the Simpsons. That may also help with placating the bogans. The minister bit sounds good to me.
Tombarina, you get my vote for best wordsmith on the board.
I am of the understanding that to achieve rock hard abs you need to
A) Have zero body fat around the abs – so strict diet / nutrition at all times
B) Give up any semblance of a social life to maintain rock hard abs once finally achieved – be prepared to be exercising incessantly
C) Be incredibly vain enough to bother with points A and B.
So, if you can be arsed committing to these basic principles, the answer is a resounding , maybe. If you don’t first injure yourself on the dodgy made in China crap that they send you.
It really depends on your genetics. Some people only need look at a ab-roller device to get completely ripped.
For me, to achieve anything remotely resembling abdominal definition, requires a combination of sprinting, weighted situps (ie grabbing a 10kg weight and doing situps, preferably on decline bench) and lots of crunches, time which is better spent on other exercises.
The ab roller type devices, which are essentially a tubular padded frame with a headrest, are good if you have some particular injury that prevents you neck supporting the weight of your head for some period of time, or if you lack the coordination to get a correct crunch movement.
Otherwise the machines are pretty useless, and inferior to unassisted exercises (or weighted).
If it takes that much time, I would much rather spend it pursuing something intellectual so as to improve my abilities in areas which matter.
That’s pretty fucking boring James.
I fear devil’s advocate isn’t using a power balance band.
Y’know, I have days when I look down to where my super-flat tummy used to be and think “I really should do something about that”.
Then I remember that being in generally good shape with a softer tum rather than something you could grate cheese on isn’t grounds for criminal prosecution, and that I’m actually pretty busy, and that I really lurrrrvvvve wine and coffee and cheese, and that I’d rather get an extra hour’s sleep than run in the cold pre-dawn, and that I’d rather read or cook or harvest navel lint or eat my own head than do crunches, and that I really couldn’t be fcked…and then I feel quite happy.
What’s that? Another slice of brie and a top-up? Don’t mind if I do…..
Same here. If I was guaranteed a hot babe at the end of it I might bother. But you’re not are you. This is why gay guys always look really good, because they’re basically guaranteed hot, gay man sex.
I’m guaranteed a hot babe at the end of anything, regardless of what my abs look like (well, within reason – a six pack is not *required* but I doubt a keg would be tolerated).
It didn’t occur to me that a power balance band was all that was missing. Washboard abs here I come!
Devil,
You have a short memory my friend, all you need is a rubberband not effort, cmon bogan up will ya.
Simon I saw some rock hard Abs in Florence. Known locally as the “Statue of David” !!
Do you think James has the right (ahem) assets to get a good resemblance?
Sorry to be off topic but I just had to mention that there’s nearly 300 comments about Schapelle Corby wanting to have a baby on news.com.au. Jesus god help me. This is why life is short. Because people suck, especially bogans.
Can you post the best comments Martin. Love a good laugh.
Noooo. I’m not even looking at it.
My favourite comment is Sarah at 8.13am who thinks Schapelle will be having the baby in a Thai prison.
closely followed by :
Dave Posted at 8:34 AM Today
If the Rudd Government release her they will lose my vote.
Of greater concern is that, under the Westminster system, Dave’s entitled – nay, forced – to vote.
The sooner we’re in power, Viv, the better…..
To be fair on Dave, he most likely just adds another box marked “Mickey Mouse” and votes for a cartoon rat drawn by an anti-Semite. So it all works out in the end.
richard of young at 9.43;
Why doesn’t she just adopt that 2 year old smoking boy….they’d make a great family
Gold
And how is that allowed in a women’s prison?
Would she qualify for the baby bonus?
How will they smuggle in a maxxtreme pram? It’s just not fair on the baby if it doesn’t have a maxxxtreme pram.
Prison in Bali, great place to bring up a child, lots of other kiddies to socialise with, great health care, great education and wow job opertunities.
wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk
Raises a question: is Kerobokan prison a better or worse place to raise a child than Tugun on the Gold Coast?
Gee, I ‘d realy have to think about that.!
That’s a ridiculous question, James.
One is a depressing, futureless hellhole full of criminals and bogans, and the other is Kerkoban.
Gold star Tomba.
Another question
Is it better to have a clinically depressed, boganette, convicted drug dealer like Schapelle raise it,
Or Mother Boguette Rosaleigh Rose who named her children Schapelle and Mercedes?
Or a lesbian couple.
I’d reckon let Angelina raise it for her. She already has 27 nine thousand and won’t notice at all.
good answer, and she is a mix of all three, had her gal pals, calls children hideous things like maddox and is nearly old enough to be a grandmother
A lesbian couple.
I found this recently – this woman has the body most bogues desire, and she doesn’t even use home gym equipment. Just goes to show … http://www.youtube.com/user/charliejames1975#p/u/53/en2oEEu-0fI
Oh dear, Zuzanah’s kitchen bench advice. The diamonte navel piercing and piggy tails sold me on her advice before she even opened her mouth
Don’t be so fast to diss, vivi, those arms and that six-pack don’t just happen …
The body of bogue desire…and the intellect and camera presence of a custard apple.
@ Tombarina
Don’t insult custard apples…they are much more intellectual That…
Bit of a bloke head. Or BOBFOC. Body off baywatch face off crimewatch. Those boobs look fake too.
Y’think? You reckon there’s a nanochance she’s Silicone Sally?
It is nigh impossible for women to achieve that degree of muscle definition and low body fat AND have visible boobage, let alone a set that could take your eye out.
Oh I don’t know. Usually the women who *could* put on weight fairly easily if they wanted to but are disciplined and maybe work out a bit have the boobs and the body. I’ve known a couple of women like that. In fact I see them often enough. Well, not enough, not nearly enough.
They usually don’t make it to hollywood, they’re usually in penthouse or something. Probably because their boobs make them a bit dumb. All that blood being used to preserve them and all that. Though Beverly D’Angelo did ok.
I’m 99% postive those boobs are fake. They look too bulbous in the picture next to the subscribe button.
Miss Dahl,
Asside from the nice little camel toe what else was i supposed to notice ?
Well, for one, you could hear her sage advice about the benefits of diet and exercise. A tiny piece of empirical evidence that the fattest bogans always seem to miss, and yet Zuzana has mastered it. Anyhow, wasn’t this post all about the boganic search for mechanical intervention to enable physical perfection, and how spending zillions of dollars of exercise hardware will do it for you, and all that. Tomba, don’t be mean, Zuzana is sharing her beauty secrets (and I’d wager she’s wearing a good bra, rather than a purchased pair).
Sorry. I am being mean. Ab-envy will do that!
But I remain unconvinced that Zuzana’s chestly delights are solely the bounty of Mother Nature.
I agree. I did some further investigating, and they just don’t bounce around right.
Well developed pectoral muscles in a naturally busty woman plus wearing a tight sports bra (or two) will look like that. I still think there is no surgical enhancement, but that’s OK, we’re here to attack bogans. BTW, just read in SMH online that “Girl Violence is on the rise…45 stitches required …” Any thoughts?
Glass???
new deacriptor for young girl about town “G(C)lassy”
I did too,took me a good 3 hrs too work out they’re fake.
Fi,
‘a failed president who died almost penniless”.
sounds like Edie Amin
for which roll “mad bob Mugahbi ” is presently swatting.
When rock hard abs go wrong, very wrong.
http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/2010/05/the-thompson-twits/
The bogan, cashed up from #60 spends the day #141 at #17. After filling up on #23 & #134 & getting in a quick #66 he jumps into his #28 for the #104 filled journey home. After some 3D porn on his new 50″ the bogan remembers something he saw at #34 & after handing over a new #117 he talks Breantha into trying a bit of #124 on the new #144. Having bought cheap chinese crap means that the #144 collapses & the bogan #116. Despite the enornous pain the bogan takes the only possible action available, it rings #127 for justice.
#124- giggle. You said anal.
@ Pandabater
Round of applause 😀
wow.
Possibly the most scary aspect of pandabeater’s entry is that I did not need to refer even once to the “list” to follow that story entirely. And no, I don’t know the list off by heart, I can barely remember 3 posts back.
Bravo, Pandabeater, bravo. I think this qualifies as a new language. It beats the hell out of SMS-speak.
score 6,7,6,8,5.
sorry ment to add; degree of difficulty 7.5
How do they keep coming up with new contraptions every other week, do they use experts or the 1000 monkey method? Looking at some of the hilarious results I’d say the chances are 50-50 either way.
seems like a real disconnect whenone conciders that all these contraptions, of which Heath Robinson ,would have been proud are all designed in and marketed by yanks,albeit made in china, while at the same time our boags decry american influence and Kultur. Same thing with consumption of junk food for all the popular brands we have the home of the lard bum to thank. Same for the sugar addicts.
“…our boags decry american influence and Kultur…”
Must respectfully disagree, JH. I’d argue the absolute opposite – that if something’s American, it has immediate cachet among our lovely bogan throng.
Alleged varsity T-shirts for non-existent US colleges are rampant, US artists utterly dominate the Australian music charts, and you can’t avoid the Valley girl, West Coast and ghetto affectations in language. Bogans like huge, thirsty US cars (Hummers), smelling like US slurries (Britney, Xtina, SJP, Paris – all parfumiers extraordinaire), and paying for the privilege of serving as mobile clothing billboards (Ralph Lauren, DC Shoe Co, Hilfiger).
Despite its enormous Southern Cross tatt and enthusiasm for hitting the pi$$ on Australia Day, Anzac Day and the Queen’s Birthday, the Ozbogue harbours secret disappointment that it wasn’t born in the USA. Everything would then be 114 percent cooler.
Tombarina,
I dont know, you know.
To me they seem to say verbally that yanks suck but all the items we have mentioned and more are wholeheartedly embraced. ?
He’s a tricky little monkey the bogue, He’s not racist but…
True. Slippery as shiny, orange, tattoo’d, glassin’ eels.
Why so much analysis. When was logical consistency ever part of the bogue’s make up?
In a way, it is a consistent beastie. By and large, the bogue wishes it was American. Hence, it worships lavishly at the feet of anything US-brand-associated.
And analysis IS important – we can’t hope to defeat, or at least outglass, our foe if we don’t understand it.
We’re like Sir David Attenborough – lots of TBL-linked Sir Davids….
Actually, I think TBL broached this subject in the entry about “Holdens”, musing over why the bogan would put an American badge on its Australian vehicle… then show its “aussie pride” with the austika too!
I would agree Tomba, bogans have a highly predictable set of pavlovian responses. Therefore close study should give us the upper hand. As we have seen marketing boffins have the bogan absoloutly nailed, if they can do it so can we. Love the Sir David idea. I am Sir David Glassenborough (or Glassimbrotha), you are Sir David Tombaborough etc.
Excellent suggestion! And I may be able to help re Pavlovian responses for, in another incarnation, I worked in marketing – specifically, in market segmentation and targeting. Unsurprisingly, the bogan is a marketer’s dream, because it IS so predictable.
Like a herd of half-witted gnu blundering en masse across the retail Serengeti, the bogan is loathe to separate from the seething mob. It is very much a collective – as TBL once eloquently put it, always in search of “homogenous individuality”.
The bogan is characterised by a relatively high rate of high school matriculation but statistically very low tertiary education. Their earning cycles fluctuate like a drunken cropduster, and they’re spenders, not savers.
They are, above all, aspirational. However, as the aspiration benchmark is set by a freakish hybrid of their immediate social circle and the Beckhams, happiness is always a credit card purchase away. The result is rapacious consumerism and susceptibility to whichever hot new trend Who Weekly recommends. It’s pathetic, really. But also highly mockable.
Tom,,
all the while the credit providers are circling like she lions to single out the week for a quick feast on a bankrupt carcass.
Who Weekly is a bit high brow isn’t it Tombarina? 😉
I have to do a marketing/advertising for my degree, I’m dreading the course, because I find marketing/advertising the most vile of human creations. Maybe you could do it for me Tombarina? 😉
P!nky, I think you’ll find it interesting if you approach it from a behavioural psychology standpoint.
That’s all marketing is – creating a ‘need’, then filling it. The mechanics of need creation, and the unholy alliance between economics and psychology, is absolutely fascinating.
If at any point during your marcom/ad studies you feel yourself succumbing to the Dark Side, immediately take one copy of Clive Hamilton’s excellent Affluenza, two episodes of Hungry Beast and have a good lie down. You’ll be OK!
DELETE: Hungry Beast.
INSERT: Gruen Transfer.
Tombarina, Another cure would be t stay in bed and watch an hour of Damoz Direct followed by an hour of Gutter Rancid. ?
@ P!nky:
To supplement your daily dose of irony, should you ever feel the onset of lethargy from understanding teh dark art of marketing, I strongly recommend reading Adbusters; this will reinforce your desire not to be overcome by the disease of rampant conspicuous consumption. Available at any half-decent newsagent, amongst other current affairs mags.
he’s not racist but will glass any slope that touches his sister.?
i think that when they look in the mirror they miss the redneck equivelant due to the self infaturation an shallowness that only see,s past their nose to consumerism an competivness..eg:the jones next door
‘If only there were some kind of quick, easy way for the bogan to achieve the body it has always dreamed of without leaving the comfort of its own home, or missing Australia’s Got Talent.’
Excellent line, although I do believe the more committed gym Bogan uses steriods because it’s much faster and cheaper way to achieve that than home equipment. They ‘don’t give a fuck’ about the lethal side effects, only the short term gain of looking good.
How about the less lethal but more embarrassing side effects, like genital shrinkage? What is the bogues’ view on that?
Or does it occur over too long a time horizon for it to factor into their decision-making?
Most likely the latter. Or perhaps such shrinkage could, in the bogan mind, be offset by maxxxtreme muscles, and a very noisy and southern cross sticker-covered HSV.
Or blame it on cold water? Everyone knows it shrinks in cold water don’t they.
I’d hazard a guess that bogans are of the impression that they are so maxxxtremely well endowed that a bit of shrinkage will have so little effect of their overall phallic superiority that it’s a moot point.
LOL. Also, AAS’ only make the testicles shrink, not the penis. Excessive use actually makes the penis enlarge.
Were you able to reverse the process?
@ Gazza…bahahahahahahaha
Gazza,
dont you know that inevitably after a period of expansion shrinkage occurs naturally !
So, James Hunter… you are acknowledging that
a) Fiona has a penis/testes and
b) she suffered shrinkage due to growth hormone abuse?
To me this would raise some concern, regardless of whether she was able to (as Gazza queried) reverse the process.
Da,
you are a most tiersome little chappy sometime.
hrm…. I am going to risk making a semi-serious comment here.
Excessive steroid usage kills the sex drive, and shuts down the natural hormone production process (because you’re chock-full of artificial ones).
the only thing that can get hard is the ventricle walls of the heart.
steroids is a broard term lets say androgens and in large dosage they can cause priapism as can excessive dossage of viagra or cialis.
as you say though large dossage in the long tern causes testicular wastage. It is a matter of homeostasis. This is a diffewrent for of testicular wastage to that which the catholic clergy suffer from !
LOL. That’s why I used the correct term, “AAS”.
Conor Larkin”s coming for you.
Notable here is the bogan’s fear of the outdoors – unless venturing outdoors involves the recreational burning of fossil fuels.
The bogan will almost always choose an exercise bike over an actual bicycle (“Fuggin’ cyclists slow down traffict. Cunts think they own the fuggin’ roads!”).
The bogan will absolutely choose a treadmill over a pleasant evening constitutional because they can’t watch television while taking one.
Of course, since aerobic exercise has little or no bearing upon getting huge, the male bogan has little or no interest in either cycling or walking so such devices remain the domain of the female of the species.
I’ve just watched the new Australian Tourism ad, …………………….um……………..um………………they…………they they sing, yes sing, a lot, for 95% of the ad, very badly, very,very badly.
But on reflection they have done the Bogan a massive favour (F#*K Off Tourists, We’re Full) as no person with ears or eyes from overseas will ever want to come to this all singin, all dancin, all fucked up country.
I’m always surprised whenever I see tourists. I usually think wtf is wrong with you? They must be rich and have done everything else and are doing it out of boredom and desperation.
Oh, FFS. Just saw this godforsaken ad.
Well put, Panda. Unless Tourism Australia are targeting the Helen Keller Fanciers’ Guild, this is the biggest waste of money since…since….well, the last godforsaken campaign.
not “Where the bloody hell are yaz” Ads? Good grief
James
at the moment even usa would be hard pressed to meet its obligations to taiwan and south korea let alone look after its strategic raw materials like oil from iraq.
from our point of view the increasingly suspect capacity of the usa along with its traditional self interest could make the sustainability of a lot of us built and supplied equipment that we currently operate and equipment that we plan to buy and operate questionable to say the least. this is exacerbated by the increasing use of commercial global suply chains for maintainence and spare parts. commonality of hardware may and i underline may offer cheaper initial buy prices and ditto cost of sustainment but in a time of conflict the usa’s own demands would be met first by us bassed companies upon whom the global supply chains are bassed for usa sourced equipment.
Indeed JH. I have some serious issues with a lot of the acquisitions outlined in the 2009 Defence White Paper as a result of similar concerns, and especially the move towards the acquisition of the Joint Strike Fighters (which predates the WP). We could just as easily have accessed existing technology in Spain or France, much cheaper, that furthermore does not come with the kind of operating constraints in time of war you outline above. A further advantage of such an acquisition is that, at least for the Spanish, they are happy to facilitate a technology transfer as part of the purchase which would in turn allow us to produce the materiel here in Australia.
In any case, this is becoming far too serious for this site…
James, you have excelled yourself today and provided quality reading. Thanks.
LOL. Indeed he has. I fear our relationship is reaching an all too unfortunate detante.
LOL. Eeek! *detente*
Fi! Egad! *glass*
James, I concur with Simon. Very thought-provoking; beautifully expressed.
*salutes in ostentatious, yet sincere, fashion*
James re the JSF
very touchy subject the Rafale ot Typhoon are both in the air and both (now) have strike capacity as well as air defence.
God forbid we could do a deal with India and Russia and get the Sukhoi PAK with Israeli electronics and have it here befor the JSF !
Even our success with the Bushmaster is ignored with the ary only at second chance having the Hawkie included for land rovere replacements , odo looked likely to buy the yank ocelot sight unsean.
And this country does not even make a diesel engine !
Look to a country like Sweden with a small population it is the home of SAAB who make the Gripen fighter as well as trucks, then Volvo trucks and busses .. It is just so embarassing.
I cannot resist a discussion with jet fighters.
Typhoon should be adopted.
Someone should start the Su-37 programme.
Although I think the F-16 is still the most adapatable aircraft for all conditions, and hardware and materials can easily be re-fitted.
Here’s my plans for an Aussie Strike Fighter
Combines
The multirole and weapon capabilities of the Typhoon.
The stealth technology of the F-22.
The ability to land on public roads of the Gripen
The ability to be mounted on a carrier, like an F-18 or Rafale.
The adaptability and remodellability of the F-16 or MiG-21.
I guess what we need all depends on who it is we are looking to compete with, RB. The kind of capabilities you have outlined there would be ideal for competing with Indonesia, but is that what we are looking to do?
My other problem with the Defence White Paper is that it does not clearly outline the basis for the acquisitions it proposes. Before we work out what equipment we want for our Defence Force, we need to work out exactly what it is we want (or expect) our Defence Force to be doing.
The one we should look at if we didnt by TTyphoon right now is the Sukhoi T-50 PAK that is underdevelopment as joint venture with India.
it has
Stealth
Supercruse
Long Range
Exceptionally powerfull radar
Extreme manurverability due to the 3D articulation of the jet eflux
We could have Israeli Electronics like the Indians are going to have.
T50 PAK is well into its test flight program
As with India the Russians would have no problem with full technology transfer unlike the yanks who are not supplying us with allsource codes for firmware.Th UK even had to have a real battle to get ?”most” of the source codes.
Suggested reading
“Defence Today”
“Combat Aircraft”
Both good mags
and “Army-Technology.com” a good site that gives daily updates including White Papers.
These are easy reading for basic up dates and certainly infinitely more about what is hapening then what the Australian media tell us.
If it has 3d I’m in James!
Simon,
Yep it does the jet nozels articulate up dpwn and left right in unison with the elevators and rudder.
It also has a movable leading edge filet just above and in front of the engine intakes that doubles as a canard and an intake shock wave moderator. all very cleaver stuff.
Thje shock wave atenuation helps with the supercruise, ie the ability to crurse above mach1 withoutr afterburner.
It’s an excellent craft and I hope they included it in Ace Combat: Joint Assault.
I like planes that can be deployed anywhere, and used for multiple missions.
I hear the French fighters only come with reverse thrusters 🙂
LOL. No, that’s the Italian fighters. Or was it their tanks? Hmmm…
Fi,
the Italian tanks
they had five reverse gears and one forward gear….just in case they got attacked from behind.
Those Italians are well dressed though. Versace designs their uniforms.
LOL. They certainly would be the best dressed POW’s. Imagine Versace unifiorms made of shoddy? LOL.
If one has to flee in disorder, one might as well do it in style.
LOL. Even the Roman Centurions were the best dressed in battle. It’s a long history.
Disagree. The Spartans were the best dressed army.
LOL. But not known for retreating…
No. But were champions at not turning up at all.
My favourite is actually World War One German infantry officers’ winter uniforms. Those leather trenchcoats were of such a nice cut.
LOL. The matching monocles were the piece de resistance.
Hugo Boss did the German uniforms of WWII
Gazza,
That would be the Greek ones ?
clutching at straws with this. the female is easily seduced by this gear, but she’s also self conscious because of all the junk food she eats, so buys it to stay home. the male bores straight down to the local gym to get his ‘guns’ out for everyone to see, but while there does no lower body work.
Excellent observation re upper body-only.
I’m surprised some of them don’t topple over in the breeze, they’re so top-heavy.
Tombarina,
In their minds they have enough keel to remain stable
So true, they look like cartoon characters. Big chest & skinny little spaghetti legs. If only they knew that training legs also helps increase muscle growth in the upper body. I’m guessing there would be less grunting cartoon characters in gyms.
I totally agree with you about this topic. Nice article. Already bookmarked for future reference.
[…] to get fit and lose inches (never centimetres) off its waist, so it spent years embracing the Assmaster 5000 or some other nonsense. But in the modern age, buying strangely contrived exercise equipment over […]